Thursday, December 11, 2008

"Ladies and Gentlemen, on stage for your dancing pleasure, the Tampa Bay Lightning" - Game Preview and Open Thread

Hey look, it's a good old fashioned old school preview and thread. Seems like it's been ages!

Waiting in line details - 7 PM start at the Phone Booth. Game 6 of the epic 7-game homestand, during which the Habs are 4-0-1. Habs actually 6-1-3 in their last 10. Yours truly had to go all the way to Washington DC to see the "1". Lighting suck; let me count the ways. 0-7-2 in their last nine games. Last in the Eastern Conference. Last in the NHL. Crappy Mullet-headed coach recently fired and replaced with a degenerate compulsive gambler. Trap, trap!

UPDATE - thanks to moeman for pointing out the game is on CBC. Apparently, CBC just doesn't have any programming any more. We need a a Kids in the Hall reunion season!

Pay your cover charge to - to our knowlege there is really only one Bolts blog that matters, and conveniently it's called Bolts Blog. Really good, sensible analysis. From Floridians! No, really! Let's take a look at a sample to give us the state of the Bolts:

At this point, they really have nothing to lose. Everything that could happen to this team has pretty much already happened. Trading away key players? Check. Fired coach? Check. Waiving veterans? Check. Injuries? Check. Toxic locker room environment? Check. Players asking to leave? Check. Meddling owners? Check. Incompetent management? Check. Bottom of the league? Check. Declining attendance? Check. It's essentially rock bottom at this point.

Ouf.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Gang Bang, The Dagger, Kovy, and Markov all have more points than games played in the homestand. Yes, Kovy hasn't scored in my lifetime, but he has really been giving the effort over the last couple of games.

Skanky Habs to watch - Pleks, Pleks, and more Pleks. And the Habs PP continues to be a joke, 13.6% for 27th in the league.

Hot sexy Bolts to watch - just watch Vinny and St. Louis, will ya? I don't know if they're hot or not, but they're the only Bolts worth watching anyway.

Skanky Bolts to watch - this may be my favourite stat line I've ever written: Olie the Goalie is 0-1-0, 9.29 GAA, .789 save% in his last 2 games. Jussi Jokinnen and Mark Recchi (wait, he's still in the league?) suck too lately. Face it, when your team has lost nine a row, there will be suckage.

Not dancing due to too many vodka Red Bulls - DOOM actually skated with the team yesterday. W00t! He's still not playing though. And with El "I WILL FINISH MY FUCKING SHIFT EVEN IF MY FUCKING ARM IS BROKEN" Dandy coming off surgery yesterday and Higgy also out, there are some lineup openings. Rhino! Gui! RDS has Gui! on the 3rd line with Little Tits and Pleks. Mad Max, Bégin and Greek Lightning will do the dirty work on the 4th line. TFS has the sniffles, so Jaro might play again.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - let's get in the car and head up to Les Deesses. I know absolutely nothing about it except Deesses means goddess and it's in Laval, so it's got to be good.

Let's hear your old school dirty, dirty thoughts in the comments

88 comments:

Van Hab said...

I heard Melrose got fired because he threw a hissy fit when Stamkos refused to room with him on the road.

"When I last coached in this league, you were a baby....baby"

Habsfan10 said...

Remember last year when some bloggers claimed the Habs were only doing well because of their nutso powerplay, and there'd be hell to pay when said powerplay came back down to earth? One good thing about the craptastic powerplay is not hearing that bullshit.

God help a lot of teams if they start clicking again.

El Dandy is EL MANDY. No, wait, that still sounds sissy. El Dandy is EL DAMN!DY? Ah, fuck it.

Shutdown said...

No fucking way Les Deesses got recognized.

That's my team's home away from home away from home.

Montréaliste1 said...

Laval? I have to disagree here, we have too many wonderful gentlemen's club on the island. How about Kamasutra on Prince Arthur, they actually have sofas there and it's not too sleezy. Expensive cover, tho.

Wait, someone let o'burn out of the trunk?

les_glorieux said...

OK here's the plan: finish my essay, order pizza, drink beer, watch the first period, go get drunk, come back and watch the third period, go get more drunk and celebrate!

Come on Habbies, it's all up to you now.

HabsFan29 said...

@Mtliste - as I am sure Shutdown will tell you, there is a certain je ne sais quoi you get at a Laval cub you won't get on the island.

And I've featured Kamasutra before!

Sean said...

About the power play, at the very least it looks like they might be coming around. Against Calgary, the only reason they didn't score on the PP was because Kiprusoff was playing out of his mind.

The passing, the movement off the puck, the effort along the boards...it's all there. Something just has to break right once, and the floodgates are going to open.

I have a feeling they'll hang 2 or 3 PPG on the Bolts this evening.

fezworth said...

@Sean - Dare to dream....

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

The St. Louis/Lecavelier connection got 2 out of 4 of the goals tampa bay has scored against the bruins. Definitely watch them. You should hope your defense doesn't do the same.

(I of course hope the defense is too busy scoring own goals to notice, but that's neither here nor there).

Montréaliste1 said...

@29: you know your strip clubs! It is kind of a rip off, but it's worth the experience. Still, I will NOT go all the way to ile Jesus for a lap dance, even if they have the metro now!

Unless, of course the lap dance are cheap, like 3 dollars. Shit, that's only 12 quarters!

Shutdown said...

@Montréaliste

Little known fact: Strippers in Laval have coin slots.

wait...

Panic Mode said...

Just a thought:

Should Kovy be playing so much on the PK? Why not have Begin, Lapy, and Kostopoulos do most of the PKing, and give Kovy more time to score?

gillis said...

I'm not sure how much ice time kovy had the other day but when ever the play got exciting, I saw the number 27 on the ice.

He was great on the PK. In the first period he stole the puck, went into the flames zone, skated around the neutral zone a couple of times... it was great. He had the crowd cheering for hmi through the whole commercial break. Keep him on the PK

But the idiots over at TSN used the clip to show that Kovalev isnt a team player, but they didnt mention that he was on the penalty kill and he drained thirty seconds off the clock. TSN is bullshit.

And about pleky, um ya, he sucked, big time. If only Tom K could recieve a pass, make a pass, and shoot. I think they should sit pleky then put him on a line with somebody that could do what Tom K can't (pass, receive pass, shoot).

I love Dagger. Another goal tonight please.

Is Tampa actually starting Kolzig? Please say yes. whos the other guy? Smith? He's pretty shitty too right? Good

I "hate" Brisebois.

Van Hab said...

I look forward to seeing Kovalev win the men's figure skating in the 2010 Olympics. Then he'll have the opportunity to skate around all pretty for two full minutes with nobody else on the ice and accomplish absolutely nothing. Father will be proud, ya?

fezworth said...

If gillis is right, and Kovy was doing his little pirouettes on the PK (I didn't see it in-game), then he can skate around there all he wants, for all I care. As long as the other team doesn't have the puck, I'm happy.

Shutdown said...

Van Hab.

He was killing a penalty and dangled around everyone for like 15 seconds. How could you not love that?

gillis said...

@Van Hab: How did this turn into a Kovy bashing? I was complimenting him for his great work on the PK.

moeman said...

Some great Habs porn here

HabsFan29 said...

you people really don't appreciate Van Hab's humour. as the kids say, it had me ROFLMAO

@moeman - saw that yesterday. was going to feature it in its own post. thx for spoiling the surprise ;-P

moeman said...

Sorry for being premature HF29, sometimes you just can't hold it in.

HabsFan29 said...

especially with some of the photos on this site

Lostinleafland said...

Great site Moeman..hours of entertainment for sure.

So,,as long as Carbo doesn't go Carbo on us and fuck with the lines..again, we should have:
Saku/Big Tits/Dagger
Kovy/GBL/Tangy
Mad Max/Begin/Greek Lightning.

These are a very solid three lines.

I refuse to acknowledge Gui/Little Tits/turtleplek until one of them remembers how to score. They're disposable parts who shouldn't get more than 7 mins of icetime.

El Dandy has just moved into folklore legend!! you'll tell you're grandkids its the game that HF29 lost his jinx and Dandy finished a shift with a broken arm

moeman said...

Trudat HF29. Even the venerable Robert L. at EOTP is now posting HFHish gameday/postgame 'photos'.

~~~

Also, should Brunet get prematurely annoying tonight (what are the chances of that, especially with Gui! playing) the Habs new Thursday night channel, the (turn your head and cough) cbc/hnic, are carrying the game for the FrAnglais amongst us in this great Canadian (not a typo) nation.

Go Habs!

Go Pants!

Go Gui! (to Florida, in a package deal, for Blow-Me-ister)!

fezworth said...

That is fantastic. I love it, very much.

HabsFan29 said...

thanks for the CBC info moeman. that deserved a post update

gillis said...

@LLL: Don't worry about the fourth line, two bads make a good... oh shit theres three of them,

the fourth line sucks balls

lostinleafland said...

I like turtleplek, I really do..but he needs to wake up? he's gone colder than a street walker working Hamilton in December....

moeman said...

Good simile there lostinll.

another good one from Robert L. at EOTP; "Since their Cup win in 2004, Tampa have gone downhill faster than Rita McNeil on a skateboard.

lostinleafland said...

I heard Rita got caught smuggling at the border?.

She was caught with 10lbs of crack...

(I know, its an oldie.)

Van Hab said...

What are the chances of Brunet finishing the game with a broken arm?

moeman said...

@VanHab, how fast can I drive to Montreal?

Also, Rita Moreno is 77?!

gillis said...

I say get turtleplek off the third line. Kostopoulos has been playing much worse then Plekanecs has. Higgins was even worse. Sure kostopoulos isn't a very skilled player, but that doesn't matter, why is he playing with a guy as skilled as pleky. I haven't seen Tom K receive one of Pleky's passes properly in the last few games. Plekanecs can't play alone.

The team is being carried by: Tanguay, Dagger, Gorges, Markov, Begin, Mad Max, Hammer, Bouillon, and the goalies.

That's not very good if you ask me. I say its time to shake everything up. Make a trade.

Now I feel like Obama:

The genius of our founders is that they designed a team that can be changed. And we should take heart, because we've changed this line-up before. In the face of tyranny, a band of patriots brought an franchise to its knees. In the face of loss, we put people back to work and lifted Lord Stanley's Cup. We welcomed immigrants to our shores, we opened railroads in our arena and we heard a Carbo's call to let victory roll down like water, and righteousness like a mighty stream.

Each and every time, a new line-up has risen up and done what's needed to be done. Today we are called once more - and it is time for our Montreal Canadiens to answer that call.



I might have forgotten to change of few words, oh well

Antolovesdéesses said...

Déesses? The bomb. I live next door to the greatest crappy strip club on the north shore. The floor is sticky, the dj abrasive, the drinks overpriced, and the girls... ahhhh the girls! THEY are just lovely!
I hate Rick Tocchet. Is that ok?

moeman said...

RDS' pic of tocchet looked like a mugshot. Oh wait ...

lostinleafland said...

Christmas comes early to Ontario..Habs on CBC..mid-week, live...I have renewed faith that there is in fact a chubby, red-nosed, crappy suit wearing man (other than Harry Neale...) and he knows what real hockey is all about.

HabsFan29 said...

let's do it!

YES Jim Hughson! now i dont have to make the Brunet vs. Bob Cole choice...

moeman said...

I think I just saw Elisha in the crowd!

HabsFan29 said...

and i saw Lita Ford and Carol Alt

Breezer!!! Kill me

moeman said...

1-0

Breezy and not on his own net.

Kovy is a fucking horse!

LiLL said...

Kovy is inspired!!!!

moeman said...

If Carol the cougar ever leaves Yashin (not likely cuz he's banked $90+M), it'll be Carol+Alt+Delete.

moeman said...

Oh. Burn.

Anonymous said...

What a rip from St. Louis.

Anonymous said...

What was that about watching for St. Louis and Lecavalier, again?

Does every French-Canadian player have a big game when he visits Montreal? It sure seems like close to 100%.

HabsFan29 said...

this is becoming a disaster quickly

Lostinleafland said...

Pack your bags wee Tits,,,Steel town is calling

moeman said...

eesh

Anonymous said...

Fuck. I'm still at work. maybe I ought to just stay a few extra hours, it'll be less depressing than watching the Habs lost to the fucking lighting.

I predict Youppi waxes Lecavalier in the hallway during the first intermission.

mmmm. Youppi + wax in the same sentence makes my area feel funny.

Van Hab said...

That Anonymous was mee. my area felt so funny I slipped and posted before adding my name,

moeman said...

I thought Youppis got waxed.

gillis said...

I don't know why I'm hooked on plekanec today.

He played a pretty good game so far. At least he's not playing like a sissy girl. I'm also glad that Carbo is putting him on the PP where there are players with actual skill.

moeman said...

Turtlepleks should challenge the ref and spear Vinny at the next face-off.

Lostinleafland said...

what's the name of that dumb ass with Ron Maclean tonight? Ex-player?
fuck,,take the marbles out of your mouth arsehole?

He's worse that Bradshaw on football.."when I played,,blah blah blah."
I'd take Brunet over this grade school drop out.

Anonymous said...

what's the name of that dumb ass with Ron Maclean tonight? Ex-player?

Was that P.J. Stock?

I've taken to calling him Mumbles.

Lostinleafland said...

Is that P.J.?? check out the stats..
"Stock totaled five goals, 26 points and 523 penalty minutes in 235 NHL games."

Obviously, he can't play hockey, can barely speak and must be giving out the famous CBC executive blow jobs to get this gig. Atta boy Mumbles.

HabsFan29 said...

hey hey PJ is a HUGE FHF fan. and was a gracious host to me and hf4. but yeah, he can mumble

"plekane trips over the blue line"

oy pleks, pleks, pleks

HabsFan29 said...

fans are gettin' antsy

Lostinleafland said...

HF29,,maybe he could host tupperware parties?
I'll redirect my fury elsewhere...maybe on Markov right now...-2 and fuckin' around on the PP.
oopps -3

HabsFan29 said...

bad to worse

copyranter said...

Boy do the boys look like pieces of shit tonight.

matt - fear the collapse said...

A shameful display......
Kovalev, shoot the fucking puck sometime.

wrap around curl said...

I just wanted to make sure none of you boyos are attempting suicide.

I ask because I care.

matt - fear the collapse said...

Okay, time for a d-man with a shot...right now Brisebois IS our D-man with a shot...very sad.

lostinleafland said...

send out BGL.
Halak is getting killed.

matt - fear the collapse said...

Such an embarassment...

The fans can boo Lecav all they want...him and St. Louis are still ass fisting the Habs.

lostinleafland said...

Is it possible they've been at home for too long? GBL needs a piece of strange to get that jump back in his step?

Shutdown said...

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

moeman said...

My word verification is;

s u c k l a t u

I kid you not.

HabsFan29 said...

alright ive switched to RDS. maybe it was a CBC jinx. plenty of time

but still, the sucklatu level of this team right now...

wrap around curl said...

I heard Max Lap Dance smacked around Stamkos. Good on him.

moeman said...

Think I might switch over to CSI:Montreal. At least there the corpse scenes are technologically cool (if you like that sorta thing).

Matt D'Agostini said...

Hmmm, I guess I am the only one who can score on this team...

Olaf Kolzig said...

I stole this game.

Roman Hamrlik said...

Since I have been here I have played with O'Byrne and Brisebois...little help Bob?

Alex Kovalev said...

I kinda suck don't I?

Alex Tanguay said...

Me too.

HabsFan29 said...

it's nice to have this inside view of the game tonight

not even a sniff of any sort of comeback. just alot of booing from the fans. pass the meth

matt - ftc said...

Did Tanguay play tonight? I haven't noticed him out there.

Gui Latendresse said...

Man, being a professional hockey player is hard work. I mean, I stopped eating McDonald's...I took 4 power skating lessons and I'm still slower than Mark Recchi.

Anonymous said...

it's nice to have this inside view of the game tonight

Obviously that is why the team is playing so poorly. The players are all on the web instead of skating! :)

Jaro said...

Vee don't vin. Jesus back soon.

Pierre Boivin to Bob Gainey said...

"Psst, Bob, wake up...psst...Bob. We just lost to the worst team in the league, or PP is near the bottom in the league and our top players are accomplishing nothing..."
"Ohhh, damn, I was having the nicest dream. I was the GM in Florida, lying on the beach, not a care in the world, lots of sleep..."

Jay Bowmeister said...

Sam Pollock once said, the team that gets the best player in a trade wins.

Bob Gainey said...

I was never that big on creeds...

lawyergirl77 said...

Dear Christ on a cracker that was painful shit to watch.

Koivu is out with a lower body injury?? Ugh, kill me now...

Sean said...

Well, that game sucked a whole giant barrel of dicks...

I suppose when trying to look objectively, this was the sort of banana-peel game tailor-made for a complacent performance - at the end of an epically-long and successful homestand against an opponent riding a nine-game losing streak. Still, these are points that a good team picks up along the course of the season. Seriously, how often do the Red Wings lose games like this? How many times do you think the Sharks are going to entertain a bottom-feeder like this and play 6 minutes of competent hockey? The answer is rarely or never, which is why they are legitimate Stanley Cup contenders, and we I fear are not.

Van Hab said...

Hm. I was out to dinner so I only caught a bit of the third period and although I don't think Tampa played particularly well, I've got to say I feel that the team plays differently in front of Jaro. Jaro can have a great game like Tuesday where the team just feeds off his confidence and dominates in a way that they rarely do in front of price, but it works opposite as well, where if Jaro has a bad game the team skates on eggshells just waiting for mistakes to happen. With Price, the team mentality is much like his...shit might happen but it's just water off a duck's back and we can get right back in it. Once Jaro lets in a soft goal, the team consciousness is on a chilly beach in Novopogorvsk.
Then again I'm drunk so get away from me and just get some fucking points, get a 4th defenseman, trade Kovalev, and show me your tits already.

BrizzleGrizzle said...

so, i was at my Windsor Spitfires game (in their brand new arena tonight) and was greatly disapointed by a 4-0 loss, first home loss of the year and I was like well, at least I can come home and be happy the Habs won.. nope, they lost too. Whats going on? damn ..