Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Habs Need Some Tits, er, Positive Mojo - Pivotal Game 4 Preview and Open Thread

Big thanks to the Habs Girls group on FB and especially its glorious leader Mike for providing the awesome pic. I only wish I had been the painter.

The word "pivotal" is bandied about quite often when referring to playoff games. "My God, it's the pivotal Game 2!" might not make much sense, but with the Habs down 2-1, you can damn well bet this one fits the description. Come back with home ice advantage for a best of three series, or slink back to Montreal down 3-1 and not a chance in hell of moving on. It's a simple equation. And the Habs need all the positive mojo they can get to find the right side of that equation. So we're gonna try not to be negative for once. Sure, I know that's a change for us, and that's not why you come here, but we gotta try something, right? So go ahead and paint your tits and read these exclamation point-laden bullet points to get your positive juices a-flowin':
  • 7 PM start, Wachovia Center. It's on CBC, so you can watch the fabulous Bob Cole! And the equally fabulous Don Cherry! Like fine wine, age has only made those two guys better;
  • We praise the fine bloggers of the Flyers, Flyers. Femme, eager to go psycho, and Flyers Goal Scored By. Today we add Cuseadelphia to that list. Seem like nice chaps;
  • Breezer is back in the line-up! As Fezworth correctly pointed out in the comments yesterday, we've lost both games with him out. We have been saved!
  • We welcome the return of the delightful Mike Knuble to the Flyers line-up;
  • Who cares which goalie plays for the Habs? They are both wonderful!
  • Habs are kicking ass in the SOG department! 36-23 in Game 2, then 34-14 in Game 3;
  • Martin Biron is undoubtedly a leading Conn Smythe Trophy candidate, and Danny Brière is near the top of playoff scoring. Well deserved!
  • Unrelated to the game, Sean Avery has been hospitalized with a lacerated spleen. We wish him a speedy recovery, he's such a fine amiable fellow that the entire hockey world should rally around.
Too much?

BREAKING NEWS - Coach Carbo to Use "Eeny Meeny Miney Mo" to Choose Tonight's Goalie

(TSN) Hot on the heels of Jaro's outstanding performance on Monday, Habs coach Guy Carbonneau was on the fence about whether to start Price or Halak in goal in tonight's pivotal Game 4. After some soul-searching, he decided he will turn to the children's favourite "eeny meeny miney mo" game to make his selection.

"I figured, you know, there is really not much difference, and it seems the decisions I make don't really affect games anyway, so why not?" Carbo said. "It's not like one of our goalies has been annointed the franchise saviour or anything. So I'll just call them into my office at 5 PM, and do that eeny meeny thing. I don't think it will affect their performance at all."

Other selection processes that were ultimately rejected included a coin flip, one potato-two potato, and letting the goalies fight to the death "Amok Time"-style with the winner getting to play and mate with the hot blonde chick who sits behind Carbo at the Bell Centre.

The Game Day Skate for Pivotal Game 4

Bullet points for what you missed while having some acid-induced nightmares in memory of the discoverer of LSD...

  • Well this is gonna be a dull and short second round. Pens, Wings, and Stars all take 3-0 leads in their series. Yawn;
  • Let's take a quick look at the Playoff scoring leaders. All the ususal suspects are there in the top five - Jagr, Crosby, Brière, Malkin, the Little Fuckity-Fuck. Wait, what?
  • Iggy, Malkin, and your winner Ovie are the Hart finalists.

Pivotal. We expect to use that word all day.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Post Wherein We Prostitute Ourselves for Fun and Profit

You know, during these here playoffs, FHF has been deluged* by requests to promote assorted crap. We are generally above this sort of thing, but if it gives us a chance to post a pic of a hooker with calves that A-Rod would kill for, we figured WTF.

Two acts of prostitution today. First, you have one day left to enter the Bring Home the Cup Contest. You could win a big motherfucking HDTV, tons of delicious yet fattening and cholesterol-laden Pepsi and Lays products, an Xbox 360 and more goodies. All of it brought to your house by Mark Messier, who will have the real fucking Stanley Cup with him! Yeah, yeah, I know it's Messier and you probably hate him, but he's got the Cup dammit! You can drink booze out of it or piss in it or whatever you want! With 19 of your friends. What a prize.

Our second act of prostitution is to tell you to watch the Stanley Cup Playoffs on Versus! Where the fuck else you gonna watch it? You know, assuming you live in the U.S.A. and actually have Versus on your cable, and don't get CBC. Then make sure to watch the Stanley Cup Playoffs on Versus!

I feel dirty.

(h/t to MYFO and their The Weekly Whoring series, which is our obvious inspiration)

*if deluge means "2 or 3"

I Was Incredible! Feeledelfia 3, Mentreal 2


You kent alweys get wat you want, you kent always get wat you want, but if you try sometime….lalala. I lav thet song, reely fentestic museec.

Game at Bell Centre waz so baad for teem, but was joke for big clown Cari. Put your stupide red nose on your nose clown Cari! You pley like litel clown and kids laf at you and you are clown! Hole teem say to me, its ok the stupide clown pley better next time.

So we take aroplane to Feeladelfia. Stupide teem sing baxing song wen we land. You no baxers Mentreal Cenediens! You hackey guys! Hackey guys and clown guy, this is reel name of teem. Hello, I am Jaro. I pley for hackey guys and clown guy.

Now game stori. Big clown go to net. So crazy things heppen. I pley hapskatch in halls and when I cam back to bench I see only 3 filadelfia guys on ice. We are 5! I no wat heppen. Same thing in league in Parkesh when one pleyer pleying and he fall becase he skate no tied! Ha! He fall all the time. Wen he go beck to bench to tie skate, he make mistake and tie he skate to player next to him skate! Wen coach tell them to go pley they fall together on ice! So fanny!!! I think filadepihia pleyers do same thing on bench in 3 game. Stuck on bench on no cant move. Hahaha.

Mentreal so sad for filadelfia we tell feelaphia pleyers, its ok we no score on you, we pass pack until they come beck. So we pley with pack on all the ice for 2 minoutes. Pheeladelfeea pleyers untie skate laces and go beck on ice.

Then Mentreal tell golie Biron, its ok golie Biron, we have open net and you not in your position becase you fall, we wait for you to go beack in net and we shoot pack in your belly, its no fare to shoot pack if you not in your net golie Biron. If we can we also hit post for you to give you the time to bo beck to your best pasition. I hear Kepten Saku tell Biron this. Biron give him big hag. It look very man gay, like Tchecoslovaka Sunday opera.

In second period, I watch beeeautifoul blond woman behind coach Carboner all period. She make my penis go to my pads. I tell her I like her and leek the glass so mach. We probably get married soon. Then Cari soooo jelos of Jaro, he cry in net like baby clown and say “I want marry her, I want marri her!”. I laf so hard. You think beutifooul girl like this want fat guy like you? Cari you cat your hair you look like peecack. I call you Chanel 5 Cari always now! And you want girl? No way Channel 5, she is for me.

So Cari pley 20 meenutes of so crep hackey. Filadelphia have 1 shat in second period and score 3 gols! So in break, coch tell me Jaro, you pley period 3. I tell coch “ no, I have date with Virginia, blond girl behind the bench!” Cocah no understand and I have to pley. But she watch me so I pley good. I make so many saves! Two! Two saves!!!! Marri me Virginia!!!!!!

Teem try to fix Cari crep clown hackey but also no want to hurt Biron feelings so only make 2 gols. Mentreal want to be nice becase every fieldephia fan have oroange ts-hirt say “Cenediens”. Papa call me after geme and say “That was most incrredibel golie performance alltime in history of Chekoslovakia. Everbady is celebrating with big parade outside. You make two saves and give all children hope. They change name of street from Havel Street to Havel Boulevard . women hagging each other crying saying ‘did you see Jaro saves?’ Tomoarrow no work here, netional haliday”. Coach tell me that becase my 2 saves I probably ween Conn Smythe trophy. I think so too. Cari ween Clown Smythe trophy!!!

OK bye!

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, April 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being a prostitute and suing girls Gone Wild for $10 million...
  • Well that was a hell of a... third period. TFS gets pulled after two periods after letting in 3 goals on 12 shots. Habs lose 3-2. More later today;
  • Uh, that's it I guess.

Who's panicking?

Monday, April 28, 2008

Things are Heating Up - Game 3 Preview and Open Thread

Ask and ye shall receive! I wanted some emotion on Saturday night and I guess I got in the form of a Tom Kostopolous sucker punch to the face. Note to all other Flyers - taunt Greek Lighning at your own peril. That Mediterannean emotion will take over and you'll get what's coming to you.

That punch / facewash was only part of the story of the nastiness. The coaches got into a war of words over it. During the game, there seemed to be pushing and fracases after alot of whistles. Big battles along the boards. Some crease and goalie shoving. A playoff series is beginning to emerge. So with the heat rising, let's hit the bullet points to turn up the thermostat even more:

  • 7 PM start, Wachovia Center. Good seats still available! Habs did win twice there during the regular season, but of course that means dick all;
  • God bless the fine threesome of Flyers blogs, Flyers. Femme, eager to go psycho, and Flyers Goal Scored By. Ryan's post about NHL'ers taking internships is killer. And Nadine: 3 down, one to go!
  • The SlowGreekBang Line has been our most dominant line all post-season, so of course Carbo is breaking them up. Habs I/O reports the lines will be: KoKoHigg, Pleks and the two Tits, Slow Gui! and the Greek, then Mad Max, Streit and Bégin. Oh Ryder, will we ever see you in a Habs uni again?
  • Also, Rhino plays again, let's hope he's starting to get comfortable. Breezer continues to be sidelined by his mysterious leg injury. Give it up - which one of our three loyal readers went Gilooly on his ass? I owe you dinner!
  • Props where props are due - Brière, Biron, Timonen, Umberger, Jim Dowd. I knew Habs should never have let Dowd go as a UFA;
  • TFS - who's worried?
  • Other, less important, suckitude - Mad Max, Gui!, El Dandy. And PLEKS! How can I forget him? (thanks matt-ftc);
  • On a more positive note, I think we actually played one of our best games of the playoffs Saturday Night. Seriously. Their hot goalie dominated our shaky goalie. I really feel good about that performance (TFS excluded). Am I on crack? (or meth? wait don't answer that).
We will be watching some of the game tonight at casa del HF29's mom. Look for a special appearance in the comments! So behave. Or not. Mom can swear with the best of you.

The Flyers: A History of Evil - The Origins of Evil

(Reuters) - Between February of 1692 and May 1693, the village of Salem, Massachusetts and its surrounding environs were the site of one of the most tragic and terrifying events in Colonial US history: The Salem Witch Trials. Accusations of witchcraft in the sleepy Puritan area exploded in an orgy of fear and superstition, with neighbours accusing neighbours, young women falling prey to mysterious forces, and tales of covens of child-killing, man-seducing evil witches roaming the countryside. Hundreds were imprisoned, many more suspected, and nineteen souls were condemned to eternal damnation after sensational trials and executed, most by hanging (one unfortunate was crushed to death by stones). To this day, a blackness hangs over the good people of Salem, partly a result of the hysteria that gripped the citizens ... but partly because evil places begat evil. Long have legends been told of those that escaped the grasp of the authorities, those who continued to practice the black arts, and who spread evil far and wide. This is one such tale.

Among the accused of the Salem Witch Trials was one Prudence Goodwin, imprisoned 0n August 13, 1692 after being accused. However, Goodwin never stood trial; on October 31, 1692 an empty cell, broken shackles and a strange orange and black "P" symbol burned into the floor were all that remained of Goodwin's presence in Salem. Legends persisted that Goodwin escaped South towards Philadelphia, terrorizing the lands as "The Jersey Devil" before moving further afield. Family histories and ancient black magic ritual verses found near Sault Ste Marie, Michigan in 1763 reveal a coven celebrating their founder "Mother P", and subsequent rough diaries and land title documents from a Robert P. Goodwin were found in an abandoned hovel emblazoned with the same "P" of Prudence Goodwin's in a small settlement in present-day Manitoba in 1804. The diaries discuss the birth of Robert P. Goodwin's daughter Agnes, who married settler Joseph R. Clarke in 1861 and moved to Flin Flon, Manitoba.

On August 13, 1949, Robert Earle Clarke was born in Flin Flon, with the Philadelphia Flyers logo burned into his chest.

The Flyers: A History of Evil in Video Form

Everyone keeps talking about this video and keeps sending it to us (thanks to Montréaliste and Nose Bleed Bob) so we figure we should post it for posterity, despite it being out of date already.

I have many jokes about Hitler and Bob Clarke, but they're pretty insensitive to Hitler, so I'll hold my tongue.

The Game Day Skate for Monday, April 28th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of smoking some weed on the off-season...

Alighty off to Philly for Game 3. Emotions are finally starting to run high. Now we've got a playoff series.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Who's Worried?

Looks like no FHF wants to write a review of last night's 4-2 loss. My feeling is that we're all starting to secretly worry about TFS and we're scared to admit it. Totally outplayed by Marty Biron last night. Ick.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

A History But No Present of Evil: Flyers Game 2 Preview and Open Thread

For about 15 minutes on FHF you may have seen some chick in a cat suit. Pretend it never existed. I had a whole thing about wanting a "catty" angry, gritty hockey game but when i hit publish it was just stupid. I realised The Evil Flyers had taken over my brain or something. Or it's the meth. So I deleted it. My problem I realise, is that I have no hatred for the present Flyers. Only the Past ones. That's why we've been writing a history of evil on FHF. Past Flyers are much more fun to hate. Booing Briére is just not cutting it enough as a hatred. That's why I tried to invent some stupid cat thing based on some hot stripper pic I had, because I have no real hatred for this version of the Flyers. Not to mention, we seem to like their fans and bloggers. So cmon Flyers, you've got at least 3 more games to make me hate you. Anyway, here's an evil looking stripper insteaad and most of the rest of the post I deleted, which is a pretty decent preview. No point wasting it. It's like two for one!

So, you know, game one was alright. Pretty exciting really, what with the crazy bounces and goals and a happy ending. But it was exciting in the regular season sense. Both teams were tired and sloppy from their 7 game series. The couldn't give us the epic, tough playoff battle type of exciting. There was that Richards hit on Kovy (btw, no attempt to injure imho, though others disagree), but no real chippiness. So that's what I want starting tonight (well, not attempts to injure) - emotions. Grittiness. Dirt. A playoff series, for fuck's sake. Here's some bullet points to get the catfight going:
  • 7 PM start. Have any of you been to that lame "tailgating" thing next to the Bell Centre before games? What's the deal?
  • Be sure to pray to the Holy Trinity of flyers blogs, Flyers. Femme, eager to go psycho, and Flyers Goal Scored By. Nadine, i'm working on getting HF4 and Panger over to take your dare. They're stuck in a strip club, as usual;
  • SlowGreekBang Line. Who loves ya baby?
  • And Kovy. You know, he does stupid things, he disappears for periods or games sometimes, but in the end he always seems to get plenty of points in the playoffs, again this year a point per game;
  • Hot for the Flyers - Jim Dowd!
  • No line-up changes, meaning Breezer is free to score more goals (into his own net! [rimshot]) while Rhino's built-for-the-playoffs giant body languishes in the pressbox;
  • Here's what I think. The Flyers were tired in game one, and we were pretty lucky to win. This game is going to be a lot tougher.

Alright enough talk from me, let's hear it from you. Go hockey, go pants, etc, etc.

The Pensblog and Bullshit Bulletin* Have Tea

In the Pens' crazy motherfucking 5-4 win over the Rangers last night, the refs had a huge say, calling a (perhaps) questionable interference penalty with under four minutes left in the third of a 4-4 game, leading to Malkin's eventual winner on the PP. You can see it on TSN's video at about the 1:50 mark. The victim of the interference was Hockey Jesus himself. As you can imagine, the fine folks over over at The Pensblog say simply "Martin Straka interfere(d) with Crosby trying to get it. Interference is a penalty." On the other hand, our old friends over at Blueshirt Bulletin have a different take: "Did Straka interfere with Crosby? Possibly...with Gomez having swatted the puck off Marian Hossa's stick, neither team had possession, so it may have been Crosby interfering with Straka -- or more likely just two players battling for a loose puck. ... Crosby dove, so he got the call, a call that was not being made any other time in the game on behalf of any other player, let alone at such a critical juncture."

We asked the two blogs to sit down over tea to try to resolve their difference of opinion. The following is a transcript.

Pensblog: Good day to you, fine sir. A delight to be with you.

BB: Good day to you as well. May I begin by saying how lovely it is to sit down with you and converse in such a rational manner. Civilized discourse is the key to a harmonious society, especially in the blogosphere.

Pensblog: I tend to agree. If I may, to begin, you must acknowledge that Mr. Crosby was prevented from using his glorious rapidity to get to the puck, which by definition is, in fact, interference.

BB: While I have no quarrels with your definition, good sir, I do believe that is not the issue. The question was whether in fact it was poorly timed, with under 4 minutes to go in a 4-4 playoff contest.

Pensblog: I must respectfully disagree. Should not a penalty be a penalty whenever it occurs? It would seem ungentlemanly to change the rules throughout the course of a game, would it not?

BB: Well good sir, the art of refereeing is subjective at the best of times, there is no reason external factors cannot influence what should and should not be called.

Pensblog: No, my good man, it is not subjective, there is a definition of a penalty and it should be called the same regardless of the situation. That's pure objectivity.

BB: Bite me, dickwad.

*tm Pensblog.

Friday, April 25, 2008

The Flyers: A History of Evil - Terror in the Skies

September 8th, 1980 (AP/UPI) - Still stinging over their loss to Bob Nystrom and the Islanders in the 1980 Cup final after dominating the regular season with a 35 game unbeaten streak, the Flyers start an international incident on their way to Florida for a pre-season camp. After overhearing a pro-Islanders comment from a fellow passenger, the enraged Flyers overpower United Airlines Flight 367 crew and hijack the plane, forcing a landing in Cuba. The Flyers threaten to execute a passenger an hour until their demands are met: the retroactive awarding of the 1980 Cup to the Flyers and the heads of Isles sniper Mike Bossy and star defenceman Denis Potvin delivered to the Spectrum "on a sharpened Sherwood". Cuban dictator Fidel Castro calls the Flyers "la naranja y diablos negros" (the orange and black devils) as the bodies pile up on the tarmac of Havana International Airport. US Army Rangers are finally able to subdue the Broad Street Bullies using a combination of silver bullets, tear gas, and firewagon hockey.

Go Greek Lightning - Habs 4, Phlyers 3 (OT)



Although we here at FHF would never suggest to an attractive young lady such as this keep her jersey on, it's probably too early to be jumping off the Flyers bandwagon just yet. Besides, girls like this look hot in any hockey Jersey, even if it is the Face of Evil.

AND THIS IS WHY HE SHOULD BE LOCKED IN A TRUNK: the Flyers first goal is deflected behind TFS (tm) by the anti-Saviour, Breezer. Where oh where is Rhino??

Is it too early for lunch? Some guy named 'Hamburger' got credit for the first goal.

Who knew we'd long for the days of Jim Dowd? The former Hab (well, he's a former a lot of things) doubled the visitor's lead in the first, scoring one of the prettiest goals of the playoffs. Coming from JIM FREAKING DOWD though (the same guy who was waived earlier this season by the Flyers) in itself makes it another fluky goal. Hey, it's not how they go in, it's how many.

Those must have been some good intermission hotdogs in the dressing room. After coming out flat in the first, the Habs took their play up several notches in the second.

Denied. The Habs seemed to be turning the tide in the second, when Big Tits was awarded a penalty shot on a somewhat generous call (since he did get a shot off, IMHO), but was stoned by Biron's pad save. Small consolation, Big Tits did look sweet with those nifty puckhandling moves.

What are they, related? Big Tits gets is back a couple of minutes later on an amazing play with Little Tits: Sergei picks off a Jeff Carter pass in the neutral zone, tears down the ice, cuts across the slot and fakes a shot while letting the puck slide over to big brother Andrei, who rips it behind Biron. Like they were sharing a brain.

High stick? What high stick? Turtleplek fires a shot on Biron while penalty killing, which is deflected up. Kovy, following the play, swipes it out of the air and the refs call a goal. Replays show Montreal fans inconclusive results. I'm pretty sure at least some Flyers fans felt was a high stick - good thing they don't riot over these types of things in Philly. Well, too bad - the Habs have suffered from enough bad replay calls (I still can't let that early-season game against the Pens go). Still, it's nice to catch a break.

And now another city hates you, Joffrey. Mere seconds into the third, Lupul puts the Flyers ahead again on a PP. More pressingly, what's with the "o" instead of an "e"? Are his parents dyslexic??

Relax, AK27 is back. Worried? Who was worried. Everyone knew that the game plan was for the Habs to stay a goal down until the dying seconds, then pick up a powerplay, pull the goalie, have the opposing center's stick break on an offensive-zone faceoff, resulting in their best player grabing the loose puck and ripping a shot top corner to extend the game to overtime. Then winning one the first shift in OT. Just like Coach Carbo drew it up int he dressing room before the game.

And that is why Mike Richards is the true heir to Bobby Clarke. Not only was that late call clearly a penalty, Richards should get a suspension for intent to injure as he stopped and turned into Kovy's knee. We're not hold our breathe for any announcements by Colin Campbell, though. In Richard's defence, he thought he was going after some guy named "Kharlamov", not "Kovalev". Names beginning with "k"s and ending in "v"s can be tricky for brain-dead goons, though. (Jinx)

Maybe Philly should just let the other team score the second goal. For the 2nd time in their last three games, the Flyers jump out to a 2 goal lead, just to watch it evaporate.

48 seconds. That's all it took for Greek Lightening to strike in OT (sorry, too easy). Have we mentioned we like that SlowGreekBang line?

Stats that make us feel good : Little Tits leads the way with 5 hits, as the Habs outhit the big bad Flyers 38-28, and the Habs win 60% of faceoffs.

Next Game against the same Evil Evil opponent: Saturday in MTL should be a good rematch, with Philly expected to pick it up a notch and both teams looking for a 60-minute (at least) effort. This will not be over quickly, folks.

We Love Flyers Fans

Big thanks to FHF friend Wufpirate of Carolina on Ice who just pointed us to this awesome online photo gallery of Hot Flyer Fans. The Habs Girls group on Facebook needs to pick up the pace.

Yeah, yeah, I know there was a game last night and we'll get to it eventually. But hot chicks!

The Morning Skate for Friday, April 25th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the return of NFL dick jokes...
  • Tastes like souvlaki and vodka this morning, as Kosto and Kovy are the heroes in Habs' 4-3 OT win. A weird yet thrilling game, which you can see in the long-form video (Bob Cole warning). More later today;
  • From around the blogosphere: Habs "stole one" over at Cuseadelphia. Seems like the Flyers fans around our comments agree. Whatevs;
  • Wings hold on to take their opener over the Avs 4-3;
  • Team Canada's World Champioship entry is bolstered by the likes of Spezza, Heatley, and Mathieu Garon.

If Game 1 was any indication, this is gonna be a hell of a series.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Bring on The Bullies - Game 1 Preview and Open Thread



I may not have HF29's archive of insanely hot girls, but I figured hot female + habs jersey + very short skirt = good start to Round 2.

HF29 is in a dentist's chair right now, getting his front teeth put back in by our good friend Dr. Randy Gregg. Panger thanks him for the opportunity to post the Game Preview - and for all those things 29 mysteriously picked up for him from Foot Locker on 'Tuesday'. I also thank him for setting the precendent for the following lazy, bullet-point ridden post (really, we like to read comments from our readers more anyway):

  • #1 seed Montreal faces #6 seed Philadelphia in this first game of their second round series in the National Hockey League's playoff for the Stanley Cup. But if you didn't know that, why the fuck are you reading this anyway?
  • 7:00 pm EDT/5:00 pm MDT at Le Centre Bell in Montreal.
  • CBC, RDS (TV) CJAD, CKAC (Radio); Tsn.ca/rds.ca (webcast) - which LG77 informs us is well worth the 3 bucks, cause you get to see DOOM before the game in his tighty whiteys, we're guessing.
  • TFS(Tm) faces Marty Biron.
  • Both clubs coming off big Game 7 wins, with Montreal lucking out with an extra day of rest.
  • No lineup changes planned for Habs, so Breezer is going to bring his game-full-of-turnovers while Coach Carbo leaves Rhino's muscles in the press box. Which is fine, cause it's not like the Phlyers play physical or anything. Yeesh.
  • The new #1 line of Kovy-Saks-Higgs (we're now soliciting nicknames for this new combo) remains together, with Turtleplek in the enviable position of playing between two tits all night. Lucky bastard. Let's hope the Bros. turn another Titty Trick tonight.
  • Daniel Briere led all scorers with 11 points in the first round. Bell Centre Fans, you may continue to boo him every time he touches the puck.

Go Hockey! Go pants! GO HABS GO!

We surpassed 100 comments last game people, let us know what's on your mind and let's go for the century mark again.

Behind the Blue Line: A Look at the Defence and Goalies

Hey, look! Finally some actual hockey analysis instead of made-up history. After HF4 did a yeoman's job looking at the Forwards, yours truly and Panger tag-team to take a look at the folks who will try to stop the other team from scoring.

DEFENSE
Habs - with DOOM finally rounding into form after his injury, the Habs D corps is looking as solid as Fergie's abs. We've got the terror-inducing body checks and shot-blocking of DOOM, the veteran presence of Hamrlik, the feistiness of Gorges and Franky B, and the (alleged) offensive talents of Markov. Even Breezer is not sucking, tied for third in Habs playoff scoring [bangs head against keyboard]. Throw in Rhino if he plays, and the fact that Streit has gone back to forward where he can't be frightened by opponents like he was in his games as D against Boston, and this gang looks good to go.

Flyers - Saku's BFF Kimmo Timonen really showed something against the Caps. He played well offensively (especially in Game 7, where he set up the winner) and did a fabulous job shadowing Ovie. He's small, but very smart and quick. Kimmo's partner Braydon Coburn is a reasonable facsimile of an NHL D and led the Flyers in +/- during the regular season. If that pair does as well against Kovy as they did Ovie, Kovy will get frustrated. Of course Derian Hatcher is Derian Hatcher, close to 200 PIM during the regular season and tied for the Flyers lead in +/- during the Caps' series. I don't know any other Flyers D.

Edge - Habs, but with Timonen playing out of his mind, I think it's closer than some people think.

GOALTENDING
(by FHF resident goalie expert Panger76)

Lots of parallels here: both keepers are hybrid-butterfly goalies drafted in the first round (albeit 10 years apart) and who lead their respective teams to a 7-game series win in their first NHL playoff experience. I suppose this isn’t to surprising since when Biron played in Buffalo he was behind a multiple Vezina and Hart trophy winner. Still, Buffalo won nothing in those years (haha Sabres suck…but wait, we’re making of fun of the Flyers. OK.). In the first round, TFS had 2 shutouts to Biron’s one, and had better stats (GAA and Save %). The both got 4 wins though, with Biron grabbing two in OT. So not too much to pick from stats wise. Reputation wise…well I don’t remember Biron leading his country or any of his teams to any championships. Of course I didn’t follow his career in midget.

The big difference is size: Price is bigger by a couple of inches and many pounds, which will come in handy when Flyers forwards are crashing the net and the refs keep their whistles in their pockets. Size not just between Biron and Price, but between Price and the last goalie the Flyers faced, some guy named HueT. Anyone who underestimates how important TFS’s size is is not paying attention: Habs fans couldn’t have been presented with a better illustration of why Gainey traded HueT that they replay from game 7 when HueT got smoked by an onrushing Flyers forward, was knocked out of the net and the Flyers popped the puck into the deserted cage. Price won’t be knocked around so easily.

Two big questions: can TFS(tm) continue to play well beyond his years and steal some wins for the Habs? And on the other side, will the French-Canadian kid step up his game like so many other Quebecers playing in Montreal?

[HF29 note: I thought we were supposed to have the answers Panger ;)]

Thank You for The Concussions


Let's take a look at the two 12-packs that will attempt to wreak some havoc one another. How do the Douze in Montreal match up with the Douze in Philadelphia?

The Two Headed Dragon: Montreal can now throw 2 major spears at the opponent, with Saku Koivu ready for the start of this series. Prior logic dictated that Carbo would have wanted to hit the opponent with two lethal lines, however Game 7 against the Bruins provided one of the surprise moves of the season: Koivu centered Kovalev and Higgins, leaving Mario and Luigi Kostitsyn together on the second line with Pleks. The combination was effective and fans are now promised that their 2 best players will be together for the first time in over 4 years.

The other Two Headed Dra..hey? where's the other head?: Montreal seems to be faring well against teams with a concussed superstar. The face of the Boston series could have been dramatically different had Bergeron suited up for the Bruins. Here, Simon Gagné, with his history of concussion issues, has been sidelined for the rest of the season. And if the Bs were toying with the idea of bringing Bergeron back, that idea is out of the question as far as the former Remparts phenom is concerned. This leaves Brière with his redeeming 11 points in round 1 as the only proven, tried and tested offensive threat on a team filled with excellent secondary scoring prowess.

Secondary Scoring Prowess: Lupul, Richards (breakout season), Prospal, Hartnell, Carter. Don't look for these guys to roll over. It's a great mix of grit and skill, all these players capable of changing a game and a series on a dime. The lifelong adage in Philly is that size does matter and these guys all have a few inches on each member of the Canadiens' member. Montreal does have the speed and the skill, and hidden treasures of its own. Little Tits has shown that he can elevate his play, but is also capable of fending off rioting idiots swarming his Porshe. If the reuniting of Koivu and Kovalev created a new 1st line, then the two Tits and Pleks can create the back end of a killer one-two punch. On verra.

My Third Line is Better Than Yours: Without Smolinski, TK, and Begin, Montreal would have lost the series to the Bruins. They all share MVP honors and have given the team a steady blue chip presence that will yield hit after hit, stride after stride, and block after block. They played at a furious pace and provided the leadership every winner must have on its 3rd line. Carter, Upshall, Umberger. The CUU line. Let's hope they do play like ass. They have combined for 10 points in 7 playoff games, with Carter contributing 4 goals.

Sit Your Ass Down Guillaume: self-explanatory

Stevens Wears a Lucky G-String: Both rookies, both stretched to 7 games in the opening round. Can Stevens defeat Hermes Guy? Carbo was outcoached by Claude Julien and took time to respond to Boston's surge. He did reunite Kovy and Koivu which threw everyone in this city off-guard. It was a great move. Stevens is going to have to control his players and contain their overly agressive ways. He also has to take a page from Julien's book to neutralize the Habs power play.

Bonne chance to all. Not you, Philadelphia.

Breaking News: Same Old Same Old

Is it sacrilege to have a reversed logo on a hot body?

I just listened to an hour's worth of audio on Habs I/O to get all the latest breaking news from the heart of the Bell Centre.

Here it is: Carbo's not changing anything from Game 7. That is all. The pic is to distract you from the uselessness of this post.

Can the Threesome Become a Foursome*?

*not the good kind with 3 women and me, but 2 guys and 2 girls.

You guys already know about Flyers.femme and eager to go psycho, but I thought I would take a second to introduce you to the third member fo the killer Flyers blog troika, Ryan of Flyers Goal Scored By. And not just because he just wrote a really nice (yet possibly sarcastic) profile of FHF. Ryan brings the funny, so check him out over the next 7-14 days.

Ryan this one is for you: Jim Dowd was a fantastic... converter of oxygen to carbon dioxide.

The Flyers: A History of Evil - Red Army Massacre


January 11, 1976 (AP/UPI) - In what was billed as a friendly exhibition match between the Flyers and the Soviet Red Army team, Philly goon Ed Van Impe replaces his stick with a harpoon and repeatedly stabs Red Army star Valery Kharmalov until the Soviet finally collapses in the right face-off circle near Flyer goalie Bernie Parent. Fearing for their safety, the Soviets retreat to their dressing room and refuse to finish the game, only to be forced back onto the ice by a mob of Flyer fans carrying bricks, bottles, and the severed head of Soviet stickboy Sasha Kaminsky. Pravda runs the above artist's rendition of the Flyers on-ice introduction the next day.

The Game Day Skate Blogalicious

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of coming up with some sort of content on the morning after a night with no games, and the big hockey story is that Brian Burke is going nowhere...

OK we've got a busy day ahead, assuming the lawyering doesn't get in the way. Some more A History of Evil, maybe some sort of actual hockey analysis god forbid, and undoubtedly some half-naked chick(s) to bring us to puck drop. Conference semifinal action on FHF - catch the fever! Of course, fever is the first symptom in many STDs, so be careful.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

HF29 Finds One Good Thing About the Flyers

This is Rachael, one of the Flyers' Delta Dental Ice Team. I have no idea what the Ice Team does, or what Delta Dental is, but Rachael lists Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam as one of her favourite songs, which is an HF29 favourite too.

Rachael is the only non-evil thing about the Flyers. Don't say FHF didn't have something nice to say, Flyers fans.

From the Department of Self-Pimping

FHF was proud / flattered / totally indifferent to have been approached by Wyshynski, formerly Deadspin's NHL Closer, to write a eulogy for the Bruins season on his new baby, Yahoo!'s Excellent Hockey Blog. HF10 stepped up to the plate and knocked a three-run double off the wall. The only reason he didn't hit it out of the park was he was limited to 600 words, and we all know 10 needs at least a thousand to fully lay out his B's hatred.

Be sure to check it out. It's our last word on the B's. Until next year.

The Flyers: A History of Evil - Bulldozers 1, Orphans 0


June 3, 1966 (Reuters) - Needing to house his newly-won expansion franchise, Flyers owner Ed Snider buys and bulldozes St. Jude's Roman Catholic Church and the adjoining Sisters of Mercy Orphanage to build the Spectrum, the Flyers home from 1967 to 1994. The now homeless orphans are put to work laying the foundation for the new rink. Those that survive the harsh building conditions find employment afterwards as combatants in Snider's pit-fighting ring in the Spectrum basement.

The Flyers: A History of Evil - Ron Hextall Arrested for Assault With a Deadly Weapon

June 1, 1987 (AP/UPI) - Fresh off his Conn Smythe-winning, Stanley Cup Finals-losing performance, Ron Hextall was arrested late last night for Aggravated Assault with a deadly weapon, to wit, a SherWood model 8100 goalie stick, outside Tiki Bob's Cantina in Philadelphia. Witnesses saw the netminder viciously attack several patrons screaming "I'll get you, Kent Nilsson, you little Swedish Fucktard!!" Chico Resch was unavailable for comment.

The Morning Skate - Special Conference Semi-final Matchup Edition

As a result of last night's action, here are your Round 2 matchups:

Prince of Wales
Philly @ Habs, Thursday 7 PM
Rangers @ Pens, Friday 7 PM

Clarence Campbell
Avs @ Wings, Thursday 7:30 PM
The Little Fuckity-fuck @ Sharks, Friday 10 PM

Flyers, eh? TMS can live with that. We'll get you some sort of stripperriffic preview over the next 2 days (shit, tomorrow night already?). And I'm sure we'll have some sort of fun with Nadine of Flyers.Femme and maybe Kristin of eager to go psycho too (oooh, another threeway!), so stick around. It's better than rioting.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Order Has Been Restored: Habs Shut out Bruins to End the Misery


Wait, it took HOW LONG?: The Habs move on in the playoffs, finally defeating the hated Bruins 4 games to 3. Based on the regular season, it shouldn't have taken that long for the 1st place team to dump an 8th place team they beat 8 straight this year, but all credit to Claude Julien and the Bruins, who outthought, outhit, outworked, and outplayed the Habs for arguably 5 of 7 games. If Montreal had lost this, it would have meant weeks of "what went wrong" articles, calls for Carbo's head, second-guessing of Gainey's deadline moves and non-moves, and taunts from opposing fans. Now we shake our heads, curse under our breath, and sweep the glass and debris off Ste. Catherine as we look forward to a hammering from the Rangers or a borderline assault from the goons in Philly.


Welcome Back, Tits. Have a nice vacation?:
The series ends how it started, with the Brothers Tit scoring mere minutes apart in a dismantling of the Bruins. Nice of the boys to show up for games 1 and 7 ... apparently there was some sort of Belarussian holiday the week of games 2 thru 6. Seriously, though, those two need to stop disappearing in games against the B's. Although last night ...

I saw the future, and it is good: Kovy and Koivu are still the engines making this team go, and bless em for it, but they won't be around forever. That's why the sight of Pleks and the Brothers Tits scoring goals, passing it around on the powerplay, and skating circles around Bruins was a very, very good thing to see. That's a potentially lethal top line for the next ten years if everyone stays on their current trajectories, folks. And the second line can be anchored by ...

Why, Mr. Christopher Higgins! So Glad You Could Join Us: Panger's Recently Reacquired Boy Higgins seems to have finally shaken off the malaise that plagued him almost all season, and what great timing. Higgins played a blinder last night and was the best player on the ice in my opinion. Thank goodness. A fired up Higgins/Koivu/Kovalev line and a flying Pleks/Tits/Tits line could give the Rangers or Flyers fits.

Zdeno Chara is a big dumb jackass: Deked out of his shorts by Streit on the second goal, in the box for the backbreaking powerplay that lead to Big Tits goal to make it 3-0, a number of missed chances throughout the series ... yep, that's money well spent by the B's. It got to the point in this series where I thought Milan Lucic or Phil Kessel should have been getting the "boo every time he touches the puck" treatment because Chara offered very little menace or threat to the Habs.

And your little sidekick too: Overheard by HF10 when the Brad Boyes/Dennis Wideman trade was being discussed between an NHL scout and another party:
Other Party: Brad Boyes sure doesn't suck.
NHL Scout: Dennis Wideman sure does.
That is all.

And a child shall lead them: Carey Price bounces back in a big way. Comparisons to Dryden and Roy to continue in mainstream media until further notice.

And yet, I fear the worst: Savard/Lucic/Kessel is a scary proposition to think about for the next few years (at least until Lucic injures himself a la Cam Neely and Kessel is shipped out West because he's too expensive). Add a few better defenders and Tuuka Rask to this team, and suddenly the Bruins are causing trouble in the top half of the East. Fuck. Well, at least we know Jeremy Jacobs will be too cheap to get them any help come trade deadline so they'll still go out in Round 1.

Lucky tie Lucky tie Lucky tie!: It's ugly, but it works. Much like most of the Bruins. (Booyah! I'll be here all week. Tip your waitress.)

Sorry to disappoint you all: Leaf fans all over rejoiced in the Sens early demise and were all excited about a potential Canadiens collapse. They remain disappointed but optimistic that the Habs will go out quickly in round 2. What they don't seem to get is that for a team everyone earmarked for out of the playoffs, this whole season so far has been a bonus ... with the promise of a young, talented, exciting team WITH some playoff experience coming back next year. It's been a fun ride already no matter what happens next ... something our disappointed Blue and White brethren can't say. But don't worry. Brian Burke will save them (just as soon as someone else builds him a farm system ... what?)

Who do you want?: Depending on the outcome of Ovie vs the Bullies tonight, the Habs get home ice versus the Rangers or the Flyers next. The Rangers might be the hottest team in the league right now, with all their talent gelling at the right time. The Flyers youngsters are always tough, and Danny Briere is starting to earn some of his keep. Both sets of lunatic fans will flood our message boards and make stupid comments (our friend Nadine excepted.) Any preferences? I think if the Rangers/Habs can recreate the awesome that was their regular season matchups, they might have the series of the entire postseason. And I think that's where we're headed. Look for Bettman to pull a David Stern and do everything possible to match Crosby vs Ovechkin and New York vs Montreal for the networks.

TMS Rants: What the fuck is wrong with you people?

By "you people," of course TMS is not referring to our three awesome readers, but the fucking idiots who chose to riot after the Habs' Game 7 5-0 win last night. Sure, FHF readers may have trouble with the law on occasion (welcome out, free4life!), but you're not a bunch of fucking idiots.

I awoke at my usual ungodly hour this morning full of excitement. Ready to write TMS in all its post-series win glory. I was even going to praise Coach Carbo! That'll tell you what kind of mood I was in. Sure, the praise was going to be tempered by the first of many "act like you've been there before, Habs fans" mini-rants that you're going to get from me over the next day or two. But as I turned on CJAD, the news hit me like a ton of bricks. And my immediate reaction was what the fuck is wrong with you people?

Look, I enjoy a good riot as much as the next guy. I've been there. But after a Round 1 win? Are you fucking kidding me? The fine people at Reebok and Foot Locker (TMS wears a size 9, thanks!) did not deserve to have their stores smashed and looted. The Montreal police did not deserve to have their cars burnt like in the video above. And the happy Montrealers who just happened to have parked downtown last night certainly did not deserve what they got.

Now I'm sure it was not a majority of celebrators who did nasty things. It was undoubtedly a small group of people who were hell-bent on destruction probably no matter what happened at the game. But the "one bad apple spoils the bunch" axiom is staring us in the face here. We'll have to watch our step walking downtown this morning because of all the broken glass on the streets thanks to those bad apple fucktards.

Montreal is the greatest city in the world. I'm proud to call this city my home for nearly 40 years. But now we look like idiots to everyone else. So this morning, I am no longer proud. I'm just fucking embarassed.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Time to Start Drinking Heavily - Game 7 Preview and Open Thread

"We went to a lot of challenges this season. We weren’t supposed to be in the playoffs or finish first overall. We always found another level. We always responded well to what’s in front of us, and I don’t think it’ll be different tomorrow."

- Coach Fucktard Carbonneau, yesterday's press conference

You know what would make a difference today, fucktard? You doing some coaching instead of worrying about your fucking lucky tie. Not just pretending something good will happen. Not implementing some useless defensive system on the eve of the playoffs when your team led the fucking league in goals scored this year. Do you even look at the stats? Oh, and Bruins were on the ice yesterday, working hard in prep for the big game. You gave the guys the day off to masturbate. Who needs practice now anyway right? We're playing so well, no need to change anything. Fucktard.

Hey ho, I'm back from LG77 rant land. That was fun. Couple of quick notes to get the conversation started, and of course, as this may be my last preview for the year, they are in bullet point form:
  • 7 PM start, Bell Centre, all the usual crappy (RDS excepted) media outlets;
  • Happy Patriot's Day to our friends at Bruins for Life and Ghosts of the Garden. Sam Adams and Pawtucket Patriot Ale for everyone!
  • Lineup changes? I doubt it. that would involve, you know, coaching;
  • I could give you a bunch of stats about history, and Game 7's, and 2004, but fuck that shit. One and done, that's all that matters. Plus, I need to save blog real estate space to post the awesome photo below. Big thanks to uber-hot Habs fan Carolina and her equally uber-hot friend Jessica for permission to post. I love this town. Go hockey pants.

The Game Day Skate for Game 7

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of your opponent coming back from 3-1 down to win the series...
  • Buh-bye, defending champs, Mickey Ribs is too powerful for you;
  • Flames force a Game 7 of their own. If no Canadian teams are left in the playoff forest, does the CBC hear it?
  • Red Wings move on. Wings pass Leafs for second all-time on the playoff series win list. I'd make a joke about the Leafs never winning another playoff series, but Habs fans are on no position to say anything of the sort.

Game 7 tonight, excitement, yada yada.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Bruins Passover Habs - Boston 5, Montreal is going to lose this series


The Great Sea parted, with Bruin players and fans amassed unmercifully on two compressed fronts. The Habs army began to march through with confidence, in praise of this great breach. And soon thereafter, the walls began their devastating descent on the trapped Canadiens, caught in a bewildered state of paralysis and confusion. If the Bruins had appeared the weaker opponent for so long a time, incapable of winning let alone scoring on this Montreal team, today they are now transformed, the better team of the series. The waves conquered the Canadiens and tumbled on them with fury.

Now, as the team is left to lick its wounds on the shores following this devastating storm, all that is left is the certainty of a seventh game and an imperative need to draw from faith. Because all that is left is faith. And it is said that Carey Price rose from the sands, where he had laid in sadness and fatigue, and climbed atop a mountain in search of guidance. As he rose to the peak, his heart swelled with hope. The skies began to change and a breeze started to blow, and a faint rumbling could now be heard all around him. Carey turned his glaring eyes towards the distance. A hollow voice called out to him. Lightning cracked the red sky open.

-Carey Price. Carey Price!!! CAREY PRICE!!!!

- Yes, God? Is that you?

-CAREY PRICE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MAN.

- I know God, I'm not worthy.

- EIGHT GOALS IN THE LAST TWO THIRD PERIODS? YOU'RE FUCKING KILLING ME, CAREY PRICE.

- I know God, please don't be angry, I'm just tr

-ANGRY? I'M NOT ANGRY I'M FUCKING PISSED CAREY PRICE. DON'T BE ANGRY HE SAYS.

- Please God, let me explain.

-LET ME EXPLAIN, LET ME EXPLAIN, YOU SOUND LIKE A LITTLE BITCH CAREY PRICE. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MEDAMNED MIND?

-No God, I promise I haven't. It's just been two bad third periods.

- DON'T YOU EAT A FUCKING PORK RIB AND CALL YOURSELF SHLOMO, CAREY PRICE. YOU'VE BEEN A FUCKING FISH OUT THERE. A FUCKING FISH.

FLAPPING, SUCKING FOR AIR, BOUNCING AROUND LIKE A FUCKING FISH. YOU'RE KILLING ME MAN.

-What do I do God? Help me.

-WHERE THE FUCK DO I BEGIN, CAREY PRICE! YOU WAIT TILL GAME FUCKING 7 TO SCALE THIS FUCKING MOUNTAIN FOR ADVICE? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THIS IS, COSTCO? WAIT UNTIL THE RESERVES RUN DRY THEN LOAD UP FOR A FUCKING YEAR? YOU THINK THIS IS FUCKING COSTCO, CAREY PRICE?

- No God, I swear I don't think this is Costco. I'm just desperate.

-YOU FUCKING MORON STOP SLOUCHING AND STAND BEFORE ME LIKE A FUCKING MAN! YOU'RE MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF.

-Sorry.

-YOU TAKE WHAT I'M GOING TO TELL YOU, CAREY PRICE, AND YOU FUCKING TAKE IT GOOD. THEY DON'T MAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE SO YOU LISTEN GOOD. YOU LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY AND THEN YOU GO OUT THERE AND FUCKING GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS.

-You bet. Tell me.

-FUCK YOU'RE SUCH A PUSSY. OK, THIS IS IT. TEN THINGS. TEN FUCKING THINGS CAUSE I DON'T THINK YOUR LITTLE ATROPHIED BRAIN COULD TAKE ANY MORE. TEN THINGS TO GO BY.



  1. THOU SHALL NOT EVER TRY A HASEK MOVE AT THE END OF THE THIRD PERIOD AND ATTEMPT TO STOP THE GAME WINNING GOAL WITH HIS BACK TO THE PLAY.

  2. THOU SHALL NOT ALLOW THE OPPONENT TO SCORE ON YOU AT WILL WHEN YOUR TEAM'S OFFENCE HAS SUDDENLY COME OUT OF IT'S FUNK AND PROVIDED YOU WITH ALL THE GOALS NEEDED TO ADVANCE TO THE NEXT ROUND.

  3. THOU SHALL NOT DROP A PUCK IN FRONT OF THE CREASE AS IF ONE WERE FEEDING A FUCKING DOLPHIN.

  4. THOU SHALL REMEMBER THAT SINCE THOU ALREADY RUINED THE PASSOVER SEDER, A BIT OF OVERTIME WOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING KILLED US.

  5. THOU SHALL NOT OPEN UP THE FIVE HOLE AS IF IT WERE AN EGYPTIAN VAGINA.

  6. THOU SHALL NOT SHAVE HIS HEAD LIKE A STUPID CHILD IN THE MIDDLE OF A PLAYOFF SERIES AND THOU SHALL NOT ALLOW OTHER TEAMMATES TO INDULGE IN SAME. YEAH SO WHAT IF THERE ARE 2 RULES HERE, THESE ARE MY FUCKING COMMANDMENTS.

  7. THOU SHALL NOT EAT ANY BREAD DURING THE PLAYOFFS. IF THOU ISN'T MAKING ANY BREAD DURING THE PLAYOFFS, THEN THOU SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO EAT ANY.

  8. THOU SHALL NOT DISPLAY PICTURES OF GARTH BROOKS ON HIS FACE MASK AND LOOK LIKE A PHILISTINE HICK.

  9. THOU SHALL NOT ALLOW COMPARISONS TO OTHER ROOKIE GOALTENDERS GET TO HIS HEAD.

  10. THOU SHALL NOT LOSE A SEVENTH GAME. CAUSE IF YOU DO, OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!

....NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

Carey began his descent, visibly moved by the experience. He trekked back to the shores where his deflated teammates had been resting after the night's collapse.

The Captain lifted himself off the ground when he saw Carey appear out in the distance. The whole team rose to their feet and watched him approach. He stopped and stood before them. "Guys, I think I have the solution".

Then the Captain spoke: "Dude, what's with the grey mohawk."

We Are Witnessing the Collapse*

*tm FHF commentor Matt.
HF4 should be along with a full review soon. Just wanted to throw my two cents in. I like the way the logo on the signs on the building reminds me of the CH. That is all.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Oy Gevalt - Game 6 and Passover Preview and Open Thread

This evening, HF4 and yours truly will partake in a tradition that goes back to biblical times - running into the other room to check the TV for the Habs playoff score during a Passover Seder. Of course in recent years the tradition has died somewhat as the Habs were barely playing this time of year. But it's back. In honour of the tradition, we present this preview with a look at the Jewish holidays:

Simchat Torah - the holiday where we dance. The dance on ice goes at 7 PM tonight in Boston. Let's hope visiting Habs fans are treated better than this guy, who got his face danced on.

Purim - commemorating the Jews' deliverance from their enemies. Be sure to check out our enemies, the Big Bad Bruins. At least they ain't as bad as the Persians. If the Habs lose tonight, you may wish to participate in the Purim tradition of wearing a mask to disguise yourself.

Rosh Hashanah - The Jewish New Year is all about rebirth and renewal. The return of Saku and Franky B to the lineup could bring the rebirth of the team. Let's fucking hope so.

Yom Kippur - the theme is atoning for your sins. Let's see, who needs some atonement right about now? TFS, Pleks, Higgins, Streit, Big Tits, etc, etc. Basically, the whole fucking team.

Hannukkah - the Festival of Lights and oily fried foods. Mmm, donuts. The holiday lasts for 8 glorious days. This series has now lasted for 9 totally unglorious ones. This Jewish holiday gimmick has now clearly run its course.

OK less Hebrew school, more hockey. Remember, on Passover you must drink 4 glasses of wine. In each period.

Friday, April 18, 2008

A Little Something To Cheer Us Up (well, the hetero men and gay or bi women anyway)


OK fuck it. It's a beautiful Friday (in Montreal at least), sunny and headed for 24 Celsius. We're in a good mood, we want to spread the love, so we're not talking about the game anymore. If you want a snarky review, please check out the awesome new Habs blogs we've discovered lately, Kovalev's Kousin and Dennis Kane's Excellent Montreal Canadiens Blog. Habsfan1993 (nice name!) really brings the snark over at KK, so you should totally check him out. He had me at his bio: "Greatest Hab ever? Easy. Oleg Petrov."

Very special thanks to Habs fan and fitness model Rowaida Touma for the pics. You can see more of Rowaida in her YouTube video. Be nice to her - she spent 14 years fighting Taekwando, so she can kick your ass.

TMS Feels the Panic

Hey kids! Games happened last night. Flyers, Stars, Sharks and Avs all got their 3rd win, and are well poised to win their series. You know who also has three wins, but on the other hand are not particularly well-poised to win their series? Yes, of course, our beloved Habs. Our beloved Habs who totally shit the boat last night in a 5-1 loss.

I've broken from the usual TMS format to highlight a couple of things from the open thread last night that make us feel the panic. Matt brilliantly went from "ftc" to "fear the collapse" to "we are witnessing the collapse" in a matter of minutes. Rips it, scores! hit the record books to point out the eeerie similarities between 2004 and 2008, in terms of margin of victory and win patterns, which are identical so far:

2004:
G1: Boston won 3 – 0
G2: Boston won 2 – 1
G3: Montreal won 3 – 2
G4: Boston won 4 – 3
G5: Montreal won 5 – 1

2008:
G1: Montreal won 4 – 1
G2: Montreal won 3 – 2
G3: Boston won 2 – 1
G4: Montreal won 1 – 0
G5: Boston won 5 – 1

He then contemplated ritual suicide. Finally, LawyerGirl77 got home from the game and laid down a rant of epic proportions where TMS agrees it belongs - on Carbo. Go read it.

We feel the panic. It's well deserved. More later today.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Time to Clean Up This Mess - Game 5 Preview and Open Thread

Seriously, time to clean up this mess of a series. Let's just end it already. Some very quick notes, I'll let you guys figure out where today's discussion should go:
  • Habs have 4 players tied for the team lead in scoring in the playoffs. Three of them are Greek Lightning, Slowinski, and Breezer. That's just not right;
  • Streit has a sore hip and will not play. Ryder gets his spot;
  • Saku actually skated today, but is not at all ready to play. Franky B is also still on the mend;
  • For the B's, Aaron Ward is questionable and apparently Chara has sore ribs or something. Someone want to pull a Bobby Clarke on Kharlamov?
  • For those of you on the Facebooks, I have discovered this aweseome new group of Habs Girls. Thanks to Stevey for pointing it out;
  • FINALLY, a decent Bruins blog has been created. Meet The Big Bad Bruins. Welcome to Blogtopia kids, too bad your stay may be a short one;
  • Keys to the game: Habs need to put the puck in the fucking net. That is all. Well, and Our Saviour needs to keep it up.

K let's hear your take. I'm tired of the sound of my voice, er, typing.

The Game Day Skate for Game 5

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Eva Longoria...

Hey, Habs can win a playoff series tonight! You know, if we can figure out how to score goals.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

13 to go...1 to bury the Broons


I know Carey Price is a devout Christian and would probably find all of this blasphemous..but fuck it, I'm going to hell anyway: Praise Carey! He's MY saviour.

TFS(tm) lived up to the hype last night and carried the Habs to a 1-0 victory in Boston. Are the Bruins the most powerful offensive force in the NHL? Hardly. But Mr. Price stood tall all night long, took some risks that paid off (see Sturm, Marco) and as usual never looked like he broke a sweat. His puckhandling skills around the net consistently kept the Broons from setting up a cycle down low, and he's big enough that he makes the saves in traffic. As a result, he's the first rookie goalie to earn a playoff shutout since, you guessed it, St. Patrick in 1986. Team defence kept the Bruins from having any truly great scoring chances, except while shorthanded in the first. The third went by relatively quickly considering we were clinging to a one-goal lead, thanks to my new found devotion to and faith in TFS(tm) .

Now I'm going to do something that makes me feel icky: Breezer is playing well. Hell, he's been the only defencemen that has made a solid outlet pass, and he scored on an absolute bullet of a shot - everyone watching the game down at the Rose & Crown (shout out to Bryan and Fezworth!) thought the puck had gone over the glass, such was our collective disbelief that Breezer could play the role of offensive hero - or indeed anything other than pylon.

While I'm playing 'bizarro' FHF today, let me also praise Carbo for doing the obvious and moving Swiss Mister - who's new nickname could have been 'asphalt' for the number of times he's been run over in the series thus far - to forward and bringing back big, bad Rhino (although even Rhino looks like a child next to Count Chocula...that freak.) I didn't miss Milk Carton, did you?

Unfortunately the Dance a dix line continued to do a whole lot of nothing (except for Big Tits crashing the net on the PP leading to Breezer's goal), ditto Little Tits and Higgins. Where or where art thou, Saku?? The complete disappearance of our offense (save for the SlowGreekBang line, who once again was the Habs' best) is a huge fucking worry, and Turtleplek & co. did little to dispel the "little girl" comparisons. It's Tiny Tim, people!! Get some shots on net.

Thursday night is Bruins Elimination Game #1 - and the Habs better bury them then, otherwise Julien's troops may get some ideas about making amends for thier 2004 debacle. Too bad for them that we have TFS in nets, not Raayyyycroft. And if he plays like he did last night, it'll be lights out in Beantown. Jinx.

Bring on Ole!

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, April 16th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of knee surgery...
  • Goodbye everyone! Black is white, down is up, left is right, and Breezer is the hero as the Habs win 1-0 and take a 3-1 series lead. TFS was pretty ok too. More later;
  • Flames get a whole 10 shots in the game and lose 3-2 thanks to Joe Thornton's winner with 9-2 seconds left. Joe Thornton as playoff clutch? Damn, it is bizarro world;
  • Danny Brière looks more like the MVP than Ovie in the Flyers 6-3 win over Caps, getting 2G and 1A. BOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Sorry, just warming up for any Habs-Flyers series to come;
  • In case you missed it, Jose Theodore has been excellent (really!) and last night he helped the Avs tie their series against the Wild with a 5-1 win;
  • Ducks finally realise the playoffs started, take Game 3 with a 4-2 win.

Paging Habs offence, you're needed in surgery.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

And now for something completely different... Pivotal Game 4 Look Ahead and Live Discussion

Longtime FHF regular Bryan (that's the Bryan with a "y") wanted suicide girls as a replacement for the strippers. I found him a suicide girl stripper. Don't say FHF doesn't listen to our three readers.

If ever there was a "pivotal" Game 4, this is it. Take a 3-1 stranglehold or slink back to Montreal for the start of a best of three. Habs have sucked out the joint for the last two games. Don't believe me? Listen to the team:

We had our chances, but we aren't working, we aren't talking on the ice and that's why we we're in trouble - Steve Bégin
Some of the players need to realize that we're in the playoffs - Carbo
The last two games, I played like a little girl out there - TurtlePlek

I love that last quote. I may type it in every FHF post I write 'til the end of the playoffs. But I digress. Back to my point. And my point is that Habs need to get their shit together. And fast. The things that need improving include, but are not necessarily limited to:

  1. The PP, 1 for a million in the series so far;
  2. The Danse à Dix line needs to uh, score;
  3. Coach Carbo needs to, uh, coach. After a crap Game 2, he did nothing. After a crap Game 3, let's hope he takes some action. Move Streit up front, put Rhino in. Is that so fucking hard? Look at me, I'm an NHL coach;
  4. Markov, Higgins, Ryder, and Streit need to show up.
Things that are just fine:

  1. TFS(tm);
  2. The SlowGreekBang line;
  3. My alcohol and meth intake. After extensive testing, I feel I have found just the right balance.
On the line-up front, Carbo reports this morning that he's keeping it all a big secret until game time. Ooh, sounds like he has a plan. There's a first time for everything.

If you want info from the other side, check out Ghosts of the Garden. The boys had been pretty slow through March and April, but have really picked up their coverage in the playoffs. I've seen Doobie around these here FHF parts, and he seems nice. For a B's fan.

OK, less bullshit and lame meth jokes from me, more comments from you. What are the keys to the game?

The Game Day Skate for Game 4... with Pictures!

Habs fans in Blueshirt country - thanks to FHF friend and commentor Damion who sends in this photo of ballerinas and lawyers watching Game 2 in his Big Apple apartment. Two points of note: Damion is the only Canadian amongst all these Habs fans, and you can see his prized posession, his old Forum white seat, in the bottom right corner.

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a Marilyn Monroe sex tape...
  • Fork, meet the Sens' season. Even with Alfie's return, Sens lose 4-1. We don't like to give up on teams down 3-0, especially those supported by our internet BFF, but even he has given up, so I guess we can to;
  • Preds get back in the series with a 2-1 win over the Wings;
  • It looks like TMS is missing a hell of a series out West. Wild beat Avs to go up 2-1 in a series where every game has gone to OT;
  • Canucks dump GM Dave Nonis. Remember the good lod days when just the coach got fired for missing the playoffs?
  • Great, now that Sean Avery has a rule named afer him, he's gonna be even more of a douchebag / dick / fuckwit / asshat (thanks for the swear words, ladies of FHF).

Alright, time for dicking around is over. Time for our best players to show up. Turtleplek himself admits he "played like a little girl out there." Time to elevate his play to a tween boy.

Monday, April 14, 2008

HF10 Sums Up Our Feelings About Last Night

This morning yours truly asked if anyone had a review of last night's game. HF10 quickly responded with:

Yeah, I got a review:

Other than Greek Lightning and TFS, everyone fucking sucked last night. Bad Kovy is back. Doom made some nice hits and spent most of the night out of position. Milan Lucic is a little fucker and rapidly climbing my most hated player list.

However ... the Habs have played two absolute garbage games in a row, and the Bruins have only got one overtime win to show for it. Get their heads screwed on straight again, and this is still over in five. Carbo? Over to you.

Maybe we'll talk more later, maybe we won't. But that about sums up our feelings right about now.

The Morning Skate for Monday, April 14th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a curling world championship. Hey, someone must have that dream...
  • When does a 2-1 series lead make TMS feel like shit? When the Habs suck (The SlowGreekBang Line excepted). We got some good playoff hockey in a 2-1 OT loss, but that's about all we can say. More later today;
  • On the other hand, Flames have all sorts of effort in coming back from 0-3 down to win 4-3. Curtis Joseph gets the win for Calgary. Did I read that right? He's still in the league?;
  • Devils get back in their series with a 4-3 (OT) win. Oh, and Sean Avery is a dick. But I guess that's not news;
  • Mighty Caps can't score, Flyers win 2-0.

Panic time!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Game 3: The Series Shifts to Boston for The Baddest Game of Them All - Game Preview and Open Thread


This is THE game kids. By the end of it, it's either a series or an almost-done deal. There is no bigger game than game 3, uh, or game 5. Game 7 is pretty big too.

This is what you need to know:
  • the game is at 7pm at the TD Banknorth Fleet Centre Boston Garden

  • Mike Milbury is an idiot

  • The Habs top ranked power play bailed them out of a significant amount of fecal matter, but it stands as their only PP marker of the series. Boston figured it out maybe, after 12 games?

  • Carey Price stood on his head, or rather on Garth Brooks' cowboy hat, in Game 2. People, with all the history this franchise has to offer, its number 1 goalie has Garth Brooks painted on his mask, and we haven't said a thing about this yet?

  • This game is huge.

  • The Thunder Rolls.

  • Tim Thomas played a great game in Game 2. That's enough, Tim Thomas.

  • Alexei Kovalev, star of the newly released DVD, AK 27, needs to give Pleks a boost and fully revive this first line.

  • Chris Higgins should drink a concoction of Base, Fuel, Red Bull and a latte from Starbucks and kindly proceed to wake the fuck up.

  • Ef-fuckin'-haristo, TK, we didn't know what kind of jewel we had on our hands.

  • If we win, Saku will be enjoying more champagne and chocolate foot massages at Spa Diva.

Habs community, readers of this weblog, let us unite in comment in our drive for a 3-0 lead.

Habs Don't Deserve Shit: Listless Effort 3, Hard Workin' B's 2 (OT)

We've got another game to look forward to in less than 10 hours, so there is no time for niceties (like yours truly ever holds back). Habs were outworked and outplayed last night. Point final. We won because of TFS and the refs gave us enough PP's eventually we had to score one. Let's take a look at the storylines:

TFS is God - 37 saves. Lots on in-close chances. As all around him were crumbling, he just stood in there and did what he had to do. Playoff goaltending at its best. In his second NHL playoff game. At 20 years old. Excuse me, I need a tissue.

Kovy: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly - The Good was the redemption he got scoring the OT winner, and the magnificence in the offensive zone as he did all the work on Little Tits' 2nd period goal. The Bad was his inability to do much on the PP until the OT winer. The Ugly was what he got redemption from, his stupid retaliation slash that got him two minutes and got the B's the tying goal. Veterans who do that shit in the playoffs should be benched. Good thing Kovy refuses to go back to the bench most of the time, so he was on the ice to score the winner.

Open your fucking eyes - the refs were, uh, not good. They missed what they needed to see, they saw what they needed to miss. Both teams could rightfully complain on this night.

Other crap - Markov played like it. Must have had a bad pre-game meal, because he shat his way across both zones. The PP, given every chance to win the game, even thought they finally did, was tentative and weak throughout. May have something to do with Slowinski getting major minutes on it. Whoever picked the 3 stars was the ultimate homer. The stats sheet says we had 28 giveaways. That can't be good. Ryder and Higgins need to show up soon.

Just so I can't be accused of being completely negative - I thought Hamr had a great game in both ends. The Kosto-Slowinski-Bégin line continued to be the spark. We're up 2-0, I guess that's something.

See you in a few hours. At least I don't have to get on a plane. Who came up with this joke of a schedule?