Monday, June 30, 2008

FHF’s Stripperiffic Guide to 2008 NHL Free Agency


We finally thought of an excuse to picture our favorite Featured Performer, Ms. Jenna Jameson. Seriously, there's a reference to her in there somewhere.

NHL Free Agents are alot like strippers. Come July 1st, NHL GM's will be like the guy who just broke up with girlfriend - let's call him Bob. The ex may be a crazy jealous bitch sucking Bob’s will to live, like a 35-year old 12-goal scorer sucking up salary cap space, or a young hottie who was out of your league to begin with, like a 25-goal scoring RFA coming out of his entry level contract. But just like most NHL teams when they reflect on thier last season, most times Bob is disappointed with the outcome of the relationship and he's eager to look around for a better partnership. Bob is out to play the field again – and to pick up the most promising free agents, so to speak.

At times like this, Bob feels the need to make a big splash to re-introduce himself to the marketplace. For Bob – being a man, and therefore not being of the best judgment all the time, thinking with something other than his brain and all - this means heading down to his favourite gentlemen’s club somewhere on Ste Catherine Street Ouest. For NHL teams, this means chasing FAs at noon on July 1st. In both cases, wallets are open looking for entertainers. Both are willing to overpay, and in their desperate rush to hook up with a free agent, their perception of the true value of the entertainers is fucked up. In other words, too often both of these poor souls are about to overpay for similar disappointing results.

In order to help both Bob and NHL clubs, FHF relies on its years of personal research to bring you our stripperific guide to this summer’s NHL Free Agents. Hopefully this will allow our favorite team - and Bob - to avoid any unfortunate mistakes in thier relationships, like asking Sergei Samsonov out to dinner again.

The “Featured Performers”

They’re absoluely drop-dead gorgeous, everyone a perfect "10", and they bring exceptional talents to the table (hehe). You’re pulling out your wallet before you’ve even saddled up to the stage, because this kind of entertainment is going to cost you both kids’ college funds.

NHL translation: Cream of the UFA crop. Best talent available, but they’ll demand a premium in remuneration and commitment. Bob will need to pull out his ATM card and find a comfortable chair. NHL GM`s will need to pull out a calculator and find a capologist. While the talent is undoubtedly there, it'll keep costing Bob until 2015.

Montreal is rumoured to have offered Mats Sundin $8M over 2 years, which seems fair given it's a short term deal. If Ryan Malone can score $7M per (although it is front-loaded), someone will give Marian Hossa $8.5M a year over 5+ years. And they better have a centre like Crosby to get him the puck if they expect him to score at his playoff pace. Montreal has a shot at one, not both. Brian Campbell may be the prototype for the New NHL with his skating and puck-moving skills, but it`s hard to believe he`ll be a perennial Norris trophy candidate, which is why he`ll be overpaid at $7-8M per for more than 4 years. Although there are rumours linking Campbell to Montreal, it seems unlikley with two $5M plus defencemen already. The Blackhawks are supposedly ready to offer $8M per.

The “Main Stage Attractions”

They’re hot and have no major flaws. All you need is one drink to get your motor running and start to forget about how you lost out on the featured performer of the evening.

NHL translation: Not the top-tier/big name catches, but solid upgrades for the top two lines/defensive pairings.

Michal Roszival May be the 2nd best defencemen available, but shouldn’t command more than $3.5M per. The Rangers and Oilers could get into a bidding war over Wade Redden, resulting in a conmtract worth north of$4M per for more than 3 seasons -well out of the Habs' price range. Brian Rolston arguably belongs in the featured performer this off season, but doesn`t have the big name recognition of the top tier guys – yet. If he moves to a major hockey centre (say, Vancouver?), his profile might skyrocket (of course, Brian’s skyrocket won’t carry his reputation close to Roberto Luongo’s Jenna Jameson-like heights.) His point total might skyrocket playing with Vinny in T.Bay, and he also would be the next best option for Montreal after Mats & Marian. Cristobal Huet is the best goalie available, but as Habs fans know all too well, he may be good, but he hasn’t proven to be great over the long haul. Still, a team like Tampa or LA will keep the Frenchmen knee deep in Camembert for as long as he wants. Corey Stillman seems to score wherever he goes, so he might rope some poor GM into giving hm $3M plus a year, even though he’s a complimentary player at best. Andrew Brunette would be a cheaper, but less flashy option with less upside. With the addition of Tanguay, don't look for these guys in a Canadiens uniform next year.

The “Mid-Week Stalwarts”

In the dark corners of your favourite gentlemen’s club, there's nothing wrong with them. However, exposed to the harsh light of day their drawbacks are accentuated. Best enjoyed after a least a couple of drinks.

NHL translation: good players, if they play a limited and set role they can be useful. However, exposed to the harsh light of a March road game, their drawbacks are accentuated. Due to injuries or off-seasons, their stocks have dropped - and in theory, so should thier salary. In theory.

Brendan Morrison would be in the last group if not for an injury plagued season; someone desperate at centre (i.e. Columbus) might make a big pitch, including MTL if they strike out with Mats & Marian, although he is smallish. Brad Stuart has to decide between more money in SoCal or a better fit in Detroit, where he excelled in a limited role. Supposedly some Montreal fans see him as our 4th D, but that ain't happening. Kristian Huselius could be a steal on the right team at the right price, which means Atlanta will overpay for him and he’ll be on waivers in 3 years. Montreal is better off with Tanguay. Mike Commodore may be one dimensional but seems to have a Tie Domi-like cult following; hopefully NHL GM`s will figure out it won`t take much to overpay considering his limited potential - I am confident Gainey will. Much has been made of Mark Streit’s versatility, but he says he wants to be a full time defenceman. He’ll be a small defenceman (just like half of Montreal’s back end), but some other team is going to give him more than his track record commands anyway. We’ll see how he handles a different role than in Montreal - and he is undoubtedly gone if Mats or Marian signs. Jay Pandolfo may be the latest in the seemingly annual July 1st ritual of free agents fleeing New Jersey – but Pandolfo may regret leaving considering his style is so suited to his current team. Ron Hainsey may have some offensive skills, but doesn’t play an all-around game or use his size - like the stripper who is packing the 36 double d’s beneath a thin layer of lingerie, it still looks nice, but you're inevitably left wanting more.

The “Last Calls”

Some moderate to major flaws are apparent, but still enough there to be interesting - especially after several rounds of shots.

NHL Translation: Over-the-hill free agents or those more interested in off-ice puruits (Alex DAigle ruled this category before he retired). These guys come with baggage. And unlike the NFL, NHL GM’s seem to care about their player’s drunken rule-breaking.

Todd Bertuzzi is a grumpy headcase who needs very strong lockeroom to keep him reined in. Still has a huge profile, so he'll get another shot - HF4 hopes in Montreal. I doubt it. The question with Jose Theordore is who will show up: Focused, athletic and intuitive Theo? Or I’m-a superstar-who-can-bang-whorish-celebrities, flopping, erratic Theo? Either way, is that a smart $5M gamble on anything longer than a year? Sean Avery may be a total jerk, but would thrive in the right environment, which he had in NY. Rumour is now T.O., which would make for a great porno starring Long Don Cherry and Shot From Behind Sean Avery. Admit it, you loved Darcy Tucker in Montreal. Question about him is really the same as for Milk Carton Mike Ryder: was last season a blip or a sign of things to come? Ray Emery is a mess who might be playing the wrong sport.

The “You believe them when they say they’re 23” Girls

These are the girls that seem too good to be true – too sweet, too girl-next-door, too, umm, underage. One major problem: often have a “Pretty Woman” complex and expect you to profess your undying love, publicly.

NHL translation: RFA’s. NHL GM’s show their love with huge front-loaded numbers and lengthy contracts which, in retrospect, all too often seem to take lifetimes before expiry. They're attractive because they're young and usually haven't hit thier peak. If there is movement here, look for a trade rather than a free agent offer sheet.

Jay Boumeester and Mike Green headline this group, as two of the best young defencemen in the game. It seems unthinkable that Washington wouldn’t do anything to keep Green feeding Ovie 90-foot passes – even if a lot of those passes end up going in the other direction. Boumeester could move, as Jacques Martin seems to have followed the path walked by all too many Quebecers: after moving to Florida, the slow, relentless decent into senility and madness was inevitable. Corry Perry isn't going anywhere, unless Brian Burke really is going to Toronto at the end of the seaason and he scams his way into giving Perry to the Leafs.

The “You can tell they’re pushing 35 even if they don’t admit it” Women

On the other end of the spectrum: you’re wondering whether they take their kids to work with them.

NHL translation: Guys who were stars when Don Cherry was relevant.

Take your pick : Jaromir Jagr, Pavol Demitra, Doug Weight, Markus Naslund, Jason Smith, Bobby Holik and Mike Peca. Only Jagr seems even likely of ever having a major impact again. None of them are getting any better, so contract length is key cause NHL teams are on the hook for any salary given to an over 35 year old. Right, Cliff Fletcher?

TMS Reports on UFA Eve Live from Sweden

This is Elin Nordegren, a.k.a. Tiger Woods' wife. It would be quite easy to dream of her while missing these bullet points about possible Sundin-related items...
  • "Mats Sundin in no rush to decide his playing future." There's a quality lame excuse to post a hot Swedish chick of a TSN headline;
  • Lightning sign Ryan Malone and Gary Roberts away from the Pens. Sure, you need some players, but 7 years $31.5 mill for Malone? Does the NHL have a salary cap or no?
  • Speaking of $$$, 5 mill per year for Jeff Carter???
  • TMS would like to take a moment to say goodbye to Michael Ryder. We still don't know which female relative of Carbo you slept with to piss him off so, but we always liked you, even when we called you Milk Carton Mike.

Just 20-something hours left til the frenzy begins. Stay tuned to FHF for all the breaking news from Sweden.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Habs UFA Preview

UFA day "falls" on a Tuesday next week. Lame connection I know, but lame excuses to post hot chicks is what we're all about.

With less than a week to go before moving day in Quebec, and the first day of unrestricted free agency, HFH takes a look at the Habs needs and which UFA's are available to fill them. Then our favorite part: we judge them based on whether their addition would be money (in the Jon Favreau/Vince Vaughn sense of the term) or a disease - say, like an STD acquired in a wild road trip to one of Montreal's many gentleman's clubs (STD!)

Number 1 Centre

Mats Sundin - Without re-hashing the old "is Koivu a true number one centre" debate, the fact is that the Habs have exclusive negotiations rights with Sundin, and if he signed with the Habs he's be their No.1 centre.
$$$! Mats puts the Habs over the top in their Centennial Year.
Simply put, Montreal's entire UFA strategy hinges on Mats. If he signs, that won't leave the Habs with much room to sign any other UFA's except to fill specific holes.

Third Line Centre
Assuming Mats does not sign and the Habs don't re-up with Slowinski, they'll be in the market for a 3rd line centre (unless they give the job to Chips). If not:

Bobby Holik - A big, shut down centre - but would have to take a HEE-Yuge paycut. Not likely in this weak market.
STD! probably after visiting Cleopatra's with Vancouver sometime in November. Bobby's going to ask for more cash that Bob is willing to give him. Probably a good thing, because otherwise it could see a Radek Bonk-like outcome here.

Mike Peca - a little on the small side, but if used in the right way (i.e. less that 15 minutes of ice time) he can still be effective. In other words, his days as a Leaf didn't completely ruin him.

$$$! Big upgrade from Slowinski.

Veteran backup/depth goalie
J-S Aubin - so-so career, will likely sign a two-way contract, won't demand big bucks. Plus he's a Quebecer.

$$$! He's probably let his career NHL ambitions die, so what more could the Habs ask for than a depth goaltender who's a little dead inside?

Patrick Lalime - Not likely, primarily because I question whether he has the stones to play in hockey-mad Montreal.
STD! Bob likes stones. Won't even be in the NHL next year.

Jocelyn Thibault - Don't laugh, he could be this year's Breezer. Not so sure he's ready to accept the possibility of being sent to the AHL, though.
STD! I've compared him to Breezer. 'Nuff said.

Fourth/Fifth Defenceman
Assuming they can't afford Marc Streit at $3M a year, the Habs will only sign a d-man from outside the organization for a much lower number. So there are no Wade Redden's on this list:

Jaroslav Modry - puck mover, effective if not overused and only made $1.2M last year.
STD! picked up from someone dirty eastern European hooker on the streets of Pardubice. Would probably prefer Europe over another NHL stop to finish off his career. Plus he reminds me of Janne Niniimaa.

Patrice Brisebois - just accept it.
$$$! which is ok, as long as he's carrying Rhino's jock all season.

Wildcards
Owen Nolan - Saw him play on Calgary this year, and he played physical, was a leader and even scored some timely goals. He'd be a great addition, especially to a team without a true pugilist. I doubt there'd be any reason to come here, though.
$$$! Love this nasty Irishman!

Sean Avery - Yeah, right. And monkeys might fly out of my butt.
STD! cause you know he's already full of 'em.


MONDAY: we look at who Bob may chase if Mats doesn't sign.

TMS Tribute: Goodbye William F. Leitch

Yes, we know we wrote about it when he announced it, but we must acknowledge that today is Will Leitch's last day at Deadspin. We have said it a million times, but there would be no FHF without DS. There would be no sports blogosphere as we know it without Will Leitch.

Yesterday the blogosphere turned out to roast / pay tribute to Leitch on DS. We really enjoyed Bill Simmons' piece and the KSK guys. We think they are all worth a read, and they show what he meant to all of us who write sports blogs from our moms' basements. Or those of us who just need to waste time at work.

For the last time, Will, God speed, and good luck. Go Cards. Go Buzzsaw. The T-Shirt on the right says it all.

/dick joke

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Salary cap = story with numbers = Danica picture

So TSN is reporting that the salary cap for this year will be $56.7 million, up 6.4 mill from last year.

FHF resident mathematician Danica McKellar says that's alot of money. We believe everything she says.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, June 26th

Bulet points for what you missed while dreaming of the return of the 110-yard field...

UFA frenzy begins in less than five days! Panger's working on a stripperriffic preview for you, so check back often 'cause who knows when the hell it will be posted.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Happy Birthday HF4!

Allez Les Bleus!

Oh, right. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. They'll score in the next tournament 4.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Sundin Sweden Something Something Sorry I'm Distracted

This is Victoria Silvstedt, Swedish supermodel. She was a world-class skier and posed for Playboy. She's mildly attractive.

I bring her up because as we discovered yesterday, this Sundin business is a great (lame) excuse to post Swedish babes. And there is Sundin news! Well, if you can call Bob Mackenzie of TSN reporting news.

So Big Fat Bob reports that Sundin is most likely headed to free agency. Bob (Habs' Bob) wants to go to Sweden and woo Sundin with promises of cash and playing in a fishbowl worse than Toronto, but Mats is cock-blocking him and has shown no interest in the visit. Also interesting is that Sundin wanted to have the Rangers have the exclusive negotiating rights the Habs have now, but the Rangers already have too many over-priced Euros and weren't interested.

Rest assured we will continue to cover the Sundin story as long as our supply of hot Swedish babe photos holds out.

Monday, June 23, 2008

I, for öne, welcome öur new Swedish överlords

Got an email today from fifth Hab Fan Mike. He asked why "there was no Sundin talk on the blog." It was a point, well, taken. I responded: until he signs, or doesn't sign, or shows some fucking interest in actually playing here, what's the point?

I just realised the point - posting pictures of Swedish babes.

So is he coming? Do we want him? I'll let you guys decide. While I welcome our new Swedish overlords, I'm really indifferent to the whole Sundin thing.

P.S. Fuck you, LA Times. The wild times will continue here forever.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

2008 Draft: Habs land a playmaker and a bunch of kids Carbo will never see in a Habs uniform

In Bob We Trust - specifically, we trust that the guy he just traded for isn't the second coming of Denis Savard circa 1990. At least he got in on the trade action, which saw 13 first round picks traded.
...Oh, and the Habs picked a few 17 and 18 year olds that won't be wearing a Habs jersey before Guy Carbonneau gets the axe. Here's a quick recap (of the picks)/preview (of the players we may one day see at the Bell Centre - probably because they bought tickets).

1st Round/25 Overall
TRADED FOR Alex Tanguay (LW)
Key Stat: Born in La Belle Province
Grew up a Nordiques fan, but after enduring Iron Mike and the defensive shackles in Calgary for a couple of years, he should be feeling good about a move to an offensive-oriented team - he did waive his No Trade clause to come to MTL. Time will tell if he's better than Greg Nemisz (the guy Calgary drafted 25th), but right now - and more importantly, for this centennial year - there is no question Montreal won this trade. It's also nice to see Montreal pick up a player at a discount, instead of giving them away at 10 cents on the dollar (see Lemieux, Claude. Damn you Sylvain Turgeon!).

2nd Round/56 Overall
Danny Kristo (RW)
Key Stat: 18 goals in 47 games (USHL)
Shockingly, the Habs reach out for an American for their first pick. Sound familiar? Timmons must be banging some NCAA recruiter. Anyway, there is no way this guy is in the Komo/Fisher/McDonough/Pacioretty category. Playing the equivalent of high school hockey, Kristo seems to be in the Marty St Louis mould: a small, quick scorer with soft hands. Also extremely young, he's a year away from even starting college. It'll be awhile before we hear about him contending for a roster spot.

3rd Round/86 Overall
Steve Quailer (RW)
Key Stat: 6'3"
Tall, but lean winger with "lots of potential" i.e. "we hope we didn't screw up with this pick because he was rated 130th overall before the draft." Also off to college this year. This also adds another winger to Montreal's stable of prospects, a position in which they had the least depth going into the draft

4th Round/116 Overall
Jason Missiaen (G)
Key stat: 6'08"
Dude's big. Really big. Has been the backup to Trevor Cann (OHL All-Star) in the Pete, getting off the bench just 18 times last year, but at least improved his stats this season. Hopefully he will be their starter next year. Likely another long-term project destined to go the Yann Danis route in Hamilton as Carey Price racks up Vezinas in Montreal.

5th Round/138 Overall (acquired from Calgary)
Maxim Trunev (F)
Key Stat: 1 game in Russian Elite League this year
Supposedly a highly skilled winger, this will likely be one of those home run or strikeout type picks. Let's call him the next Datsyuk, just for kicks, rather than the next Perezhogin. Even if he's any good, who knows when we might see him come over to North America **coughAlexeiEmelincough**

7th Round/206 overall
Patrick Johnson (C)
Key State: 7th Round selection
Oh look, another young American kid on his way to college. Way to think outside the box, fellas. That's ok, we're too distracted sewing Tanguay's name onto our old Ryder jersey to care.

Now that the draft is over, 10 days to UFA season! We'll hopefully get around to previewing that for you. And hopefully said preview will involve the signing of a certain Swedish centre who used to play his hockey on Quebec. If so: suck it, T.O.!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Tanguay's $5.375 Million = We Need Math Help

So the Habs land Alex Tanguay for a useless 25th pick in the draft (and a 2nd round for a 5th round exchange next year). All in all, a pretty sweet deal. But in the world of the salary cap, you can only ask yourself, do the numbers work? As lawyers suck at math, we have turned to FHF in-house mathematician Danica McKellar to work out the cap numbers for us. We needed to know if we can sign Big Tits and the rest of our FA's and still have room for a possible Sundin deal. Here's what she said, or at least what we thought she said:

"carry the one... differential equations on the curve... Winnie Cooper... sweet, sweet love... add it to me, ADD IT TO ME!!!!..."

Well that wasn't much help. Let's just say Tanguay is a decent scoring winger who should mesh well with the Habs offense. He's a French Canadian player who is actually excited to play here, and even waived his no-trade to do it. He's not Jokinnen who we really wanted, but at least Bob made a splash. We'll reserve real judgment until the summer plays out. Or until he gets ripped in La Presse for his first three-game pointless streak and freaks out at the pressure on local talent in Montreal. That'll be fun.

Friday, June 20, 2008

We're Going MILF Hunting! FHF Draft Open Thread

So at FHF we have one goal for the draft this year - to find this year's version of Kyle Turris' mom, MILF extraordinaire from last year's draft. We're gonna get good and drunk, throw in some meth and strippers for flavour, and comment the hell out of this evening's activities. So if you're around and bored, please join us and rate the draftees' moms (and girlfriends, but only if they're 18 and over - h/t moeman). Sure, you can even comment on hockey, or this whole Sundin business (h/t PPP).

If this is your first visit to FHF today, be sure to scroll down to the next post, as HF10 as outlined what you will see at the draft tonight. It's so eerily accurate, you probably don't even have to watch!

We'll see you in the comments at 8 PM.

It's Getting Drafty in FHF Headquarters


It's NHL draft day, the day every team has hope, and every shot of a top prospect in the stands holds the possibility of a glimpse of a hot girlfriend, sister or mom. Draft days can be totally predictable, unpredictable, glorious, or downright painful, but there are certain things you can take to the bank this year, summarized in this handy, totally random list of an entirely coincidental number:

Ten Things You Can Bank On Happening at the Draft:

1.
Steven Stamkos is going to get picked first, either by Tampa (ya think?) or whomever pays them the ransom they would want to trade out (Ottawa? Columbus? St. Louis? Pittsburgh?)

2.
Wildcard Nikita Filitov (hands like Kovalev, wheels like Bure, head like ... ?) will go anywhere from 2nd to 20th. Look for someone (Toronto?) to try and jump up a few spots to get him for sure.

3.
There will be a massive run on defenseman, everything from offensive whizzes (Doughty, Del Zotto, Pieterangelo) to defensive stoppers (Schenn) to monster projects (Myers).

4.
Gainey and Timmins will swerve all of us by passing on everyone's "they'll take the top-rated Quebecer" choice Nicolas Deschamps to nab a high-school defenceman from Minnesota or Wisconsin. Seriously, why does every "expert" have the Canadiens automatically snagging the French kid? Wasn't the Angelo Esposito thing just last year?

5.
There will be at least one trade that makes the Ottawa crowd go "OOOOOOOOHHHH!!" and three dozen "Calgary trades the 38th and 64th picks in 2008 to Carolina for a 2nd round pick in 2009 and the rights to Bret Hedican" type deals as the GMs get bored.

6.
Some poor kid will sit there for two days with his Mom, Dad, sister, brother, girlfriend, and ailing Grandpa and not get picked.

7.
Detroit will pick some Euro no one has ever heard of, and he'll win the Conn Smythe in 2014.

8.
Pierre Maguire will LOVE at least ten guys in the first round. "Gonna be a MONSTER for New Jersey!"

9.
Some Eastern European will slap on his new cap without bending the bill and will look like a doofus.

10.
We will spend 75% of our draft viewing hoping to find the new Kyle Turris' Mom.



Happy Draft Day from TMS

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of going number one...
  • Bob Gainey had a press conference yesterday. He's looking to trade for an impact forward, and hopes to sign Big Tits. Yawn. Have a press conference when you actually do something, Bob;
  • We're still hoping to give you some kind of FHF draft preview, but of course time is getting thin. In the meantime, enjoy the boys from MYFO who did a preview on Deadspin with all the wit and dick jokes you've come to expect.

Depending on our drunkenness level, we'll be live-ish blogging the draft tonight with strippers and meth. Our focus will be on finding this year's version of Kyle Turris' mom, so pop in with your dirty comments.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I Don't Even Have A Joke Title Here


So according to reports, king of asshattery and the man who has ruined hockey Gary Bettman and his dumbass lackeys in the league offices are threatening to boot MSG, the very powerful owners of the Rangers (and Knicks, and Madison Square Gardens, and half of Manhattan) out of the league for having the temerity to challenge the NHL's Chinese Communist Party grip on all team websites and promotions.

So, let me get this straight: Owners who are shady and under investigation for numerous fraudulent business deals named "Boots" are okay; Owners whose monster pharmaceutical companies are also under investigation are okay; Ownership groups who are engaging in what might appear to be tampering with other team's contracted personnel are okay; and money-losing, garbage franchises in horrible markets are preferred to passionate potential owners and rabid hockey markets, because the potential owner is a bit of a maverick, and those types are never good for a floundering league. But you're going after one of your flagship franchise's owners because they had what could be a legitimate gripe about your half-assed promotional skills, even after the Courts ruled in your favour? Good fucking God.

We've got no love for the Rangers, but I certainly would back them against that fucking little twit Bettman.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Hot Babe with an Actual Relationship to Hockey of the Day

This is Carrie Milbank. She was once a Houston Texans' cheerleader and is sweeping the internet lately, so as keepers of the flame of hot chicks and hockey we just had to post her. Her actual relationship to hockey is that she hosts The Hockey Show on NHL.com. You can read an interview with her on Japer's Rink, you know, if you like words instead of pictures, you sick fuck.

FHF - your home for quality entry draft coverage.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Experts at TSN Report Sun Will Rise Tomorrow

In the video of "Canadiens Draft Lookahead", John Liu of TSN states unequivocally that the Habs will "take the best player available when their turn comes around" (at the 0:34 mark).

My god, it's like they can see into the future or something. No need to watch the draft now.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Habs Soon to be Awash in Old Overpriced Finns

As seems to happen every off-season, Saku Koivu is once again trying to convince his pal Teemu Selanne to sign with the Habs. In case you don't read the French that link goes to, I will translate:

Teemu Selanne is a 104 year-old winger who set the rookie goal-scoring record playing for a team that today's NHL fan will swear doesn't exist.

The main stumbling block to any deal seems to be Bob Gainey's insistence Selanne actually play more than a quarter of the season.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Hot Babe With An Actual Relationship to Hockey of the Day Morning Skate

This is Alyssa Milano. Her company, Touch, produces a line of clothing for women for the NHL. She has been known to say her favourite sport is hockey (after baseball). She was even featured in the Montreal Canadiens magazine. I'm sure you dreamt of her while you missed the facts featured in these bullet points:

  • The Yann Denis era in Montreal comes to a close. Jaro said "there no room for heem";
  • Oranje rule!
  • We have something for our female readers today, buried in this post of Alyssa Milano's tits. Blogger friends "Dave Schultz" and Wrap Around Curl have a hottie goalie bracket running. Ca-rey! needs your votes.
BTW, for those of you who don't think Alyssa is hot, fuck you. Are you looking at that picture?

Friday, June 13, 2008

The Morning Skate for Friday, June 13th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of coming back after being down 24 points, or alternatively having nightmares of Boston sports fans becoming even more arrogant and insufferable...
  • NHL Awards voters prove they actually watch hockey, giving Bruce Boudreau the Jack Adams over Carbo;
  • Ovie gets the Hart as MVP. Oooh, I'm so surprised. In other "news", Lidstrom wins the Norris and Brodeur the Vézina. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......;
  • Reports have Craig Hartsburg as the new Sens coach;
  • Four Habs Fans is given the "Best Blog To Incorporate Good Looking Girls" Award by the fine folks at We Bleed Teal. We're assuming they're fine folks, they are Sharks fans after all.

Happy Friday everyone. Enjoy the Group of Death matches. Friday the 13th, Death, ooooohhhhhh.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Hot Babe With a Seriously Tenuous Relationship to Hockey of the Day

This is a German soccer fan. Soccer is a sport where teams try to put something in some form of net, just like hockey.

Okay fuck it, this is a soccer post. Please note that I have selected a woman from the awesome Euro 2008 Girls site who all the FHF can agree to hate. HF4 is a Bleus supporter, Panger goes for the Azzurri and yours truly is Dutch all the way. HF10's team, sadly, sucks moose cocks and was unable to qualify for Euro. Anyone want to guess who that is?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Ex-Habs Great Trevor Linden Announces Retirement

Former Habs great Trevor Linden will announce his retirement today according to TSN. In 107 glorious games with the Habs, the talented and classy center amassed 63 points and helped lead the Habs to the playoffs zero times. He will be remembered for his solid two-way play, grit, determination, and frequent injuries.

We really don't know why he's standing in front of those Canuck logos in the above photo.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Hot Babe With a Tenuous Relationship to Hockey of the Day


This, for those of you living under a rock since the mid-90's, is University of Kentucky alum/sometime actress/race car driver wife Ashley Judd. She posed for the schedule/calendar of the University of Kentucky Hockey Club back in her heyday. Random other C and D-List celebs have done the same, including a disgraced Miss America. While we can't say we approve of the UK hockey team's jersey choices, on a muggy summer day when very little actual hockey news we care about is happening ... (Ron Wilson? Wake me when you get John Brophy back behind the bench!) we salute their "let's get hot chicks to pose in our sweater" philosophy.

Plus, it beats trying to figure out a draft preview. What are we picking, 25th?

Monday, June 09, 2008

Habs Re-Sign Mad Max; Sidney Crosby Curses Under Breath


Reports out of Montreal are that Bob has made his first move of the summer, re-signing our favourite French shit-disturber Mad Max to a two-year deal. Sidney Crosby can already hear Max yammering at him as they skate down the ice, and he isn't pleased that Max's stick is being shoved there at all.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Hot Babe With a Tenuous Relationship to Hockey of the Day

This is Erin Andrews, sideline reporter for a variety of sports on ESPN, none of them hockey. Occasionally, however, ESPN broadcasts hockey news, usually at 2:30 in the morning. Not that we'd know, fucking piece of shit CRTC and CanCon regulations.

A serious "we are not worthy" to The Big Lead commenter Cortes for the pic, a screen cap from the NBA pre-game last night.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Blogosphere Now 63% Less Emo

Will Leitch, founder and editor of Deadspin, has just announced he is stepping down as its editor. Blogtopia is suddenly deprived of one of our fearless leaders, if not the fearless leader.

I have made no secret of my man-crush for Leitch. Having met him in person, having exchanged emails, I can vouch for the sincerity and niceness of the dude, despite his bizarre love of the Arizona Cardinals. I've always said that FHF was started because there was no Habs blog "in the best Deadspin tradition." We only hope to have tried to meet the quality standard Leitch has set for the rest of us.

God speed Will, and good luck.

/dick joke

Fire Up Your iPods: HNIC Song Won't Remain the Same

First they changed the logo, now this!

The Toronto Star is reporting that in its infinite wisdom, the CBC has decided not to renew their licensing agreement with the composer/owners of the most famous theme song in the country, meaning next year Hockey Night in Canada viewers will not start their Saturday nights with the awesomeness of what the composer calls "Canada's second national anthem." (In university I thought that was "New Orleans is Sinking" ... but what do I know.)

Sad, really that the CBC ruins a great month for them (exciting finals, ridding themselves of doddering old men, etc) by nickel and diming their way out of the song we all grew up with. I suppose they needed the cash for more Air Farce reunion specials and clever gags perpetrated against French people. That sleepy policeman gets me every time!

Ah, fuck it. What do Habs fans care? We're all watching RDS.

TMS Reports - Thrilling Off-Season Begins Today

The gloriousness that is the hockey off-season begins in earnest today as the Habs look to bolster their line-up with a quality front line center. Sounds familiar. Bob Gainey also hopes to tweak the 3rd line and perhaps add some veteran depth on D. Analysts everywhere are calling this off-season one of the most exciting ever. Habs fans are optimistic and delusional as always that we can sign a big name UFA.

Oh right, Red Wings win the Stanley Cup. Whatever.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Is This The Night?

As the possible last game of the year is upon us, we present a hot chick drinking from the Cup.

My penis: You really can't beat that.

My head and heart: But she's touching it! And she didn't win it!

I'm confused now.

H/t to The World of Isaac. A pictorial worth viewing.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

The Goaltending Gods Finally Have Their Revenge



John Tortorella, pictured, is out as Tampa coach. Or maybe he just looks like that to goaltenders.

Johnny goalie killer will hopefully take his anger, frustration and bitterness out on the person who really deserves it: Tampa GM Jay Feaster. Of course, the 29 other GM's would disagree, as Jay-bird laid out a road map for his colleagues on what NOT to do in the New NHL.

  • Overpay for three players and fill out the rest of the roster with minor leaguers and overpaid vets: check.
  • Ensure that none of those players includes an NHL calibre goalie: check.
  • Trade one of your team's 4 top-6 players for a 2nd rate goalie who you will later assign to the minors while taking another huge cap hit: check.
  • Miss the playoffs a mere four years after winning the Cup: check.

That being said, I'm sure John Grahame is bent over laughing in Omsk. Good riddance, Johnny goalie killer, and may you spend eternity in the afterlife playing goal without a facemask - or jock.

TMS Reports - Nation Sleepy, Jay Leno Asks "What the Fuck Happened to My Show?"

Peter Sykora scored sometime in the middle of the night last night to give the Pens a 4-3 (3OT) victory that kept the octupi at bay for one more game. The Wings had the Cup in their grasp with about 30 seconds to go in regulation, but Max Talbot was able to bang home a game tying goal past Chris "there goes my Conn Smythe" Osgood. Marc-André Fleury was the real story, stopping 55 of 58 shots including several (obviously) game-savers throughout the OT's. TMS only assumes they were game-savers, it was way past his bedtime.

Is the hockey season over yet? Habs need to sign a big UFA.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Detroit Red Wings Win the Stanley Cup

The Detroit Red Wings claimed the 11th Stanley Cup in the team's history last night thanks to a 2-1 win over the Pens. The Wings rode Henrik Zetterberg, solid D and excellent goaltending from Chris Osgood to take their first title since 2002 and their 4th in the last eleven seasons.

Wait, what? You say they're only up 3-1? Whatevs. Stick, fork, done, etc., etc.