Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Who's going to play hockey against the Canadiens: Lightning in Tampa. If there is hockey in Tampa, by extension of this logic, do they play cricket in Mississippi?
What's at stake: Big game tonight, so much at stake. Like do we go 21-9-6, 20-10-6, or 20-9-7? Can you believe it? One of these things will actually happen!!! Can we stand this much intensity? I mean, is it physically possible?
When: 7:30, pm. just in time for all Quebecois to get ready to watch the game, in Tampa. Wonder if the home announcer will do the game in both languages, English and bad English (sorry Tampa Bayers, I've heard you speak, it's called a thesaurus, and no that's not a dinosaur).
Who the fack do you think you are, calling your arena the Forum despite being in the hockey developmental stages that are the equivalent of spermatozoa?!!! The St-Petes Times Forum. Go screw yourself Tampa.
Quebecois stars who are way too, look at me I'm a Quebecois star and I won't ever play in Montreal, because I just signed a 23-year contract worth 347 million dollars, but my team has been averaging 12 points a season because you don't win with quadriplegic goalies, to watch: Martin St-Louis leads the team in scoring with 31 points, followed by Vinny Lecavalier who leads the team in goals with 14 (to go along with his 16 assists and his very attractive girlfriends).
Next Hab to score three goals: Canadiens' goal, his third of the season scored by number 31, Carey Price!!! Either him or Mad Max will score the Habs first three, after having netted their last three. He will then go on to score the team's next 24 goals.
Will ZombiePleks remain Zombie Zombie Zombie eh eh eh, it's in your haaands, in your haaands Zombie...: sorry, gotta love the Irish rock bands.
Great Lightning blog: Chaseday. A great blog on lightning.
Can the Habs win again in Florida, thus proving that Lightning can in fact strike twice at the same place and produce a cheesy pun for this phenomenal blog? Let us know in the comments and don't leave till midnight tomorrow so we can all ring in the new year together.
Can you just imagine hot Montreal babes on skates in tight Habs gear and short skirts collecting hats thrown on the Bell Centre ice? And then having sex with me? Dare to dream kids. MAD MAX went MAD last night and scored 3 goals. No surprise to be honest. Since his benching a while back, you have to give the guy credit. Working, working, working all the time. Good to see the kid get rewarded. My only concern is he's not leaving room in the line-up for our boy CHips who should be playing with the CH already.
Some other quickie notes about the game yours truly only watched on Canadiens Express at 2 AM after a night of debauchery. Habs get their 3000th regular season win in their history. ZombiePleks actually skated like a living human to catch up with a puck and buried it, scoring for the first time in 11 games. Kovy has mad skillz in attempting to pass and having the puck carom off a skate for a goal. I loved Bégin dropping the gloves. BGL who?
The post-holiday road trip is going well for a change. I'm sure it won't last.
- With the game tied 2-2, Habs turn to MAD MAX who scores the last 3 goals in the Habs 5-2 win over the Cats. ZombiePleks seems to have taken to his new nickname and even scored goal. More later today;
- Habs legend Jean Béliveau was taken to hospital after a wee health scare but released later and all seems well;
- Rangers have a crazy 3rd period comeback to beat the Isles;
- Sharks back on top of the league after a 3-1 win over Dallas;
- Claude Lemieux, comeback!
- The Subbanator makes like Bobby Orr in a 5-1 win over ooh, ze Germans in the WJHC.
Monday, December 29, 2008
We pay tribute to the newly-alive ZombiePleks. He may not score, but he's got the BRAINS to feed Big Tits. Here's some quickie bullet points to de-zombify you for Florida:
- 7:30 PM start in Florida (GO GATORS!! Sorry). Habs have actually gotten points in 4 straight games. Really?
- Panthers aren't that bad. Sure, they've lost two in a row, but they are in there fighting for that 8th spot in the East;
- Congrats to the awesome The Litter Box, the only good Panthers blog, for joining up with SB Nation;
- All eyes on the ZombiePleks to Big Tits combo, the Gretzky-Kurri of the 2008 Chirstmas holidays. Habs goalies also looking good. As my Xmas gift to the Habs, I won't mention any coldness;
- Corey Stillman your best bet for a hot Cat;
- Future Hab Jay Bouwmeester sort of meh lately;
- George Gillett may be distracted as his other team, Liverpool FC, is dealing with some issues as captain Steven Gerrard was arrested yesterday for a bar brawl;
- South Florida is one of the meccas of strip clubs. Try Club Diamonds in Miami Beach for your post-game adult needs.
- Leafs lose at the expense of Ovie and our old friend Theo;
- Sens lose their 12th straight road game. Read that again. Yegads;
- After their 8th straight win, B's now tied with the Sharks for most points in the league. After scoring his 14th goal, Michael Ryder now tied with John Leclair for ex-Hab who will come back to haunt;
- Kazahkstan takes a 15-0 pounding from Canada at the WJHC's.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Ok, the game has started, forget the pic so let's make this quick:
Game: Habs Pens
Where: North Pole
Time: about a half hour ago.
Who's hot: i've never heard a Penguin say "fuck it's hot in here!"
Who's not: Thomas Plekanec
Good blog: Pensblog
Crap, Pens just scored.
Talk to me. I bet we don't get a single comment
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Seriously, as the Habs take their Christmas break, FHF may be on a break for a day or two as well. Yours truly is off to the land of the 56k modems for a couple of days, and the rest of the boys have, like, family commitments or something. Or not, they may show up, you never know!
So Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukkah, or Happy whatever event you may or may not celebrate at this time of year. As our gift to you, enjoy the ultimate gallery of hot Christmas babes. Here's one for the ladies. FHF's only wish is for Pleks to become de-zombified. C'mon Santa, you can do it!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
You know, it's pretty amazing how this video of Sidney sucker punching Boris Valabek in the groin (repeatedly! from behind!) has been pretty much ignored. It made it onto Deadspin over the weekend and Puck Daddy spoke out yesterday, but generally this story has not really been discussed heavily in the MSM (if at all), and it looks like the NHL is going to do absolutely nothing about it.
There is no doubt Bettman has silenced everyone. Except us! Fuck you, Gary. Stop playing favourites and take a stand. We will not stand for groin shenanigans unless strippers are involved.
- Leafs seem to be able to score more goals than the Habs, take a 6-2 win over the Thrash;
- Crosby gets a call from the refs and the league in OT (really? you don't say) to lead the Pens to a 4-3 win over the Sabres;
- Other games happened, but they were out West so they don't count (no offense Van Hab).
Monday, December 22, 2008
- Tom Kostopolous, Gazette story about the game
Absolutely fucking right Tom. Habs played 10 minutes of hockey, the second half of the third period. Blame the refs all you want, and yes the refs may have crapped the bed, but that doesn't excuse 50 minutes of completely lifeless play. There were only really two or three players making any sort of effort. Price played decently once he got his sea legs back, and Mad Max and Gui! had some French Connection chemistry. Otherwise, we sucked for most of the game.
That is all.
- Habs go into the Christmas break the way they always do, with a loss, 3-2 to the Canes in OT. Meh. Referees' whistles or not, that game was meh. I'm sure we'll expand on that thought later today;
- Bruins train keeps rolling, 6-3 over the Blues. Michael Ryder scored his 12th goal, more than any Hab. Oy;
- Devils take care of the Flyers in a shootout.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Let's do with the love and hate. Go Carolina! Your research triangle universities are good at basketball. And I enjoy the fine, deadly tobacco you produce. And... and... and seriously this gimmick has run its course. How can I even hate Carolina? Well, maybe for stealing the Whale. On to the very quickie bullet points to get it on:
- 7 PM at the Phone Booth, last game 'til next Saturday;
- Didn't we play these guys, like, this week? Ah yes, we did, that penalty-laden affair we blowed chunks (blew chunks?) and lost;
- Canes Country gives you all your Canes news;
- Hold the phone, TFS(tm) will be in nets!
- HF10 has been given a day off from laundry duties as a birthday present;
- Keep an eye on Kovy and Little Tits for the Habs, Whitney and Corvo for the Canes;
- Revel in the suckage of Zombie Pleks;
- Sleep off your holiday party hangover for your post-game entertainment, or grab a Creemore and toast HF10.
Let's go to the videotape as we continue with the love and hate theme we've got going around here. Oh Kovy, how we love you. Oh Kovy, how we hate you.
Love: The work he did on Little Tits' tying goal (4:40 mark of the video)
Hate: We wouldn't have needed a fucking tying goal if you didn't take a stupid fucking penalty in the FUCKING OFFENSIVE ZONE with less than 10 minutes to play in the game, leading to a PP goal. If I may repeat my comment from the open thread, AARRRGHHHHHHH.
Love: The classic Kovy wrister from his office in the left face-off circle that won it in OT (6:05 mark). Fuck, he put that puck through a hole the size of a stripper's Youppi! And I'm talking about a stripper that works at a classy club, not one where they are really hookers.
Hate: The fact that the Habs PP doesn't take advantage of Kovy's abilities from his office on a regular basis. Forget setting up from the point, GIVE IT TO FUCKING KOVY. Jeebus Carbo do some coaching.
Love: As LG77 pointed out, Kovy's elevated play when he is wearing the "C". Eight friggin' shots on goal and all sorts of jump last night. Goals in 3 straight games.
Hate: Why the fuck can't he be like that all the time??? I know we ask that question on a daily basis, but fuck. Seriously, if he had played with that same passion throughout his career, he would have ended up in the Top 10 career scoring. Maybe Top 5.
Love: The way he seems to be elevating Little Tits' game.
Hate: The way he has no effect whatsoever on Zombie Pleks' game.
Love: The Habs tuque he was wearing in his post game interview.
Hate: What's not to love?
Other things to love about the game: The fourth line especially Bégin and BGL smiling broadly during a fight, Jaro, and our third period play.
To hate about the game: less than 24 hours to enjoy it. Canes tonight.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Go Buffalo! Your wings are the ultimate game day food. You ability to support a football team despite multiple Super Bowl failures, a dump of a stadium and a dick of an owner is admirable. And... and... and. Right, we love Buffalo. But we hate the Sabres. Actually, of all our division rivals, we really don't hate the Sabres that much. We even still feel badly for you about the foot in the crease. Anyway, let's get it on with the bullet points:
- 7 PM start at the Bell Centre;
- Habs coming off a good solid win after sucking for a while, Sabres warming up with five wins in their last seven games including a 5-0 shutout of the Kings last night, and are only 4 points behind us in the standings;
- The teams have split their two games this season;
- While we sorta hate the Sabres, we really love Kate over at The Willful Caboose;
- Your hot Habs are Gui! with 3 points in his last 2 games, and Little Tits even came alive against the Flyers;
- Pleks is certainly not alive, still zombifying with no points in seven games;
- You can add Big Tits to the injured list. In practice yesterday, Little Tits joined the Danse à Dix line;
- Jaro will go again, with TFS(tm) possibly coming back tomorrow night;
- The Sabres offense has been coming alive lately, with Derek Roy having 6 points in his last 3 games, and Pominville 6 in 5;
- Maxim Afinogenov on the other hand is pointless in 4;
- We're not going back to a strip club if the streak is working (don't worry, that won't last), so it's post-game Torah study for all.
Friday, December 19, 2008
This is how perspective is everything. I watched the game at a friend’s place, pretty much uninterrupted, whereas 10 has a family, and obligations, and chores and a washer and dryer.
4 :Habs start the first period on fire. I enjoy my first glass of Liberty School Cabernay Sauvignon. Everybody’s raving about the fire coach Carbo lit under the team’s ass. Play is fast. I’m on my second coupe. My friend BR and I accidentally take each other’s wine glasses. We laugh and enjoy being a part of high society. We have a piece of cheese. It smells of armpit, only enhancing our confidence in the taste to come. Dagostini scores what is becoming a signature goal. Hard at the net, quick hands, fierce desire. We collectively wonder if Chris Higgins can take notes with a sore shoulder. Seconds before this opening marker, hundreds of miles away, 10 leaves his couch for a few seconds….
10: Laundry load one: Switched sheets and towels and MiniHF10 pj's that were washed at 4:30 am but not dried(late night pukefest! Joys of parenting!) into dryer. Came back upstairs. 1-0.
4: The ladies are alone at the table now, abandoned by the men whom have taken to a higher cause. We spend the following minutes having the age old iphone or Blackberry Bold debate. The second goal is scored and we start to believe that the Canadiens are serious about this evening. Moments before this second tally, 10 leaves the tv for a few more seconds….
10: Laudry trip two: Sorting. Colours ... whites. Colours ... MiniHF10 (different detergent, dontcha know.) Let's see ... colours, colours, whites, colours, MiniHF10's, whites, colours ... put on load of colours. 2-0.
4: High fives going around like the clap in the 70’s. The Habs are for real. The power play is clicking, the cheese is doing the trick, because our mouths smell like squirrel farts. Habs strike again and we all embrace. Yet across the border, 10 is compelled to leave his seat, minutes before…
10: Laundry trip three: Switch colours over. Throw in second load of colours. Bring first load of MiniHF10 pukefest sheets upstairs for folding. 3-0.
4: No sooner do I suggest wanting to enroll my children in Liberty School that the Flyers make it 3-1.
10: Folding interlude. Fucking Aron Asham. 3-1.
Laundry trip four happened during intermission.
4: We’re all convinced the Habs will run away with it when Kovy scores on the bomb from Begin. We also wonder why he plays so well when wearing the “C”, maybe pretending the letters C-C-P followed.
10: Laundry trip five: Switched final load over to dryer. Decide against turning dryer on, since it is now 9:30, dryer is exceedingly noisy/squeeky and live in semi-detached house. (Neighbours have young kids. No concern over MiniHF10, who can sleep through atom bomb when not puking.) 4-1. Caught the replay. Nice pass.
4: I try to warp my brain around Benoit Brunet calling Gui! the best natural scorer on the team, and wonder if one can naturally score 8 goals a season.
10: Folding. Folding. Folding. 4-2. Folding. Folding. Return some items back to laundry room because lousy machine did not get puke smell out entirely. Folding. Folding. Gui! Game over.
I'm not going to rehash any of the "rental player" comments, because Not-So-Welcome Mats will be hearing that one for the rest of his sorta-kinda tainted career and retirement. And if you're looking for the enraged, bitter, "he shoulda signed with us" Habs fan point of view, move on. Frankly, I'm almost blase about the whole thing. Seriously, the Canucks? The fucking Canucks? When it looked like Mats to the Rangers was a done deal yesterday, I sent the rest of the FHF the following email:
"Guys, if Sundin announces today, I got something to say about it. Actually, whenever he announces, I've got something to say about it. Spolier alert: There's a wee bit of cursing."
I was ready to go Mickey Ribs wild on Mats. The idea that he would jerk around so many teams for so long (yes, our beloved Habitants included) and then sign for the Rangers made my expletive regulator blow right off. Not sure why. Now, with Mats signed to the Canucks, I'm strangely zen about the whole thing.
Well, not entirely zen. The breathless, will he, won't he, he sold his house, the Rangers have a deal in place, the Canucks offered him $50 billion dollars and the Sedin twins' sister, Bob Gainey met Mats and cooked him a lovely seafood dinner, CONSTANT FUCKING MEDIA BARRAGE drove me batshit. At the very least, Mats Sundin deserves a massive fuck you and a smack across his big bald undecided pate for allowing this fucking circus to go on for so long, especially considering the countless rumoured deadlines he or his agent put in place all fucking summer and fall. Fuck.
At least now, after the wailing, gnashing of teeth and "love him/hate him" debate from Toronto subsides, and the signing is beaten to death from every angle, we can all expect to hear a lot less about Mats, his vacation habits, his desire for privacy, the rumoured deal Fletcher had in place, blah blah blah. It's over. For fucks sake, it's finally over.
Until his first fucking game. Then it's really over. Until Hockey Day in Canada, which just happens to be the only Canucks-Leafs meeting this year. Then it's really, really over. (Fuck. Ron Maclean and Kelly Hrudey and PJ Stock and Steve Armitage and Cassie Campbell and every other fuck at the CBC are going to flog that fucking dead horse for 12 straight hours ... it will make a Manning vs Manning Superbowl look subdued).
But for now, we can rest, knowing that the Canucks have greatly improved their chances of getting steamrolled in the Western Final by San Jose instead of meekly surrendering in the semis or quarters to Detroit or Anaheim or Chicago. Fucking bravo, Mike Gillis. Fucking bravo, Mats. (Once again, I'll leave the "Mats will go to the place where he has the best chance to compete for a Cup" stuff to others.) [Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough.] It's finally fucking over.
- Habs scored five goals? [checks again] Gui!, Little Tits and Kovy all scored? [checks again] Habs score 2 PP goals? [checks again] Habs play well and beat the Flyers 5-2? That can't be right;
- Mats finally makes a decision? [checks again] No really, that can't be right;
- Sharks get crushed 6-0 by the Wings? Seriously, this isn't right.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Go Philly! Your goal of having the sexiest cheerleaders in the NFL is a worthy one. Your ability to slap some fried meat and cheese on a bun is second to none. Your skills at throwing batteries from the 700 level are beyond reproach. You have a real kick-ass art museum and some awesome 18th century architecture in some cool neighbourhoods. We love you Philly. But we hate the Flyers. Let's get it on with some quick bullet points:
- 7 PM start at the Phone Booth, first of 3 games in 4 nights here in Montreal;
- It's on the CBC;
- Habs have lost 3 straight, Flyers have won 5 straight. Oy;
- While we hate the Flyers, we certainly love Flyers.Femme;
- The only important piece of news you need about tonight is that DOOM will play!!! W00t!
- Looks like Jaro will go again. And Ben Maxwell is back to Hamilton as BGL is back in the line-up;
- As mentioned in TMS, the Danse à Dix line is back. Kovy is sort of hot (7 points in his last 7 games and finally a goal) so maybe he can revive the zombie Pleks;
- I do very much like the Lang-Tangy-Dagger combo Carbo has come up with. I'm sure it will last 2 shifts, tops;
- Plenty of hot Flyers to watch - Carter, Richards, Knuble, Timonen. And that doesn't even include their leading scorer (Gagné);
- Habs PP 28th at 12.9% vs Flyers PP 2nd at 27%. Again, oy;
- Still no post-game adult entertainment. Koran study for all.
Panger just informed us that he's not feeling well. That's right, people, Panger's been hit by the superkillerflubugwestnileinfluenzamancold virus.
And we believe him.
You see, this is Panger, last seen a few weeks ago looking very macho.
But now things have changed and Panger has fallen to the virus and it may be irreversible. Hold your breath people. These are the latest images of Panger :
- Ex-Hab Trevor Linden has his number retired by his other team and they honour him with a win over the Oilers;
- Scott Clemmmmenssen leads the Devils to yet another win;
- Gaborik comes back to the Wild, but Todd Bertuzzi's OT goal powers the Flames to a 3-2 win;
- Columbus beat the Sharks? Really?
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
If you were one of the fortunate ones to catch one of the weirdest hockey games of all time on television last night, then at least you can now face the world with a stronger sense of self.
That game was weird and I am not as weird as that.
My family’s not that weird.
My chronic eye twitch isn’t that weird.
My Lana fetish from Three’s Company isn’t that weird.
Howie Mandel’s germ phobia isn’t that weird.
The whammies on Press Your Luck weren’t that weird.
Sam Donaldson, … no he’s weird.
Conrad Black writing Pulitzer prize material from jail isn’t that weird.
What is weird however is this. The Carolina Hurricanes go on 5 power plays in the first and finish the period with a total of 5 shots. What’s weirder, the Habs had 3. Weird is the referees awarding a penalty shot to a Guillaume Latendresse who was never in the clear. Weirder still, Gui! fires a rocket over Cam Ward’s shoulder from the slot to make good on the penalty shot. The shot makes Brett Hull look like Jessica Tandy in the 90s (the 1990s).
Weird is how the Habs dominate a game that doesn’t yield any real breaks. Weird is how the team shoots itself in the foot with the type of brain dead decisions that would draw the envy of the Bush administration.
Weird is how George W. Bush revealed his mutant abilities by ducking that shoe toss. It felt like that scene from Superman II where Clark trips into the fire at the hotel in Niagara Falls and gets up unscathed, leaving Lois thinking, dude, you gotta be Superman come oooon!
But last night’s game was weirder.
11 penalties, most of them fully warranted. One after the other, and so on, and so on, like that 80s shampoo commercial.
The 80’s, hmmm. Bob Berry. That was also weird.
Kovalev scored his first goal in 20 games. Totally bizarre. He makes a flat line, no cerebral activity in sight play with 30 seconds to go in the game as the Habs finally gain the zone. And he almost ties it 25 seconds later in what would have been the best redemption since Shawshank.
Like a weird night out with a weird encounter and a weird morning after. So people, this is my advice. Get up, put your clothes on, exchange your awkward “hey, good morning”, and go home.
Hot Babe with an actual relationship to hockey of the day to distract you from the crap game last night
So this is Hillary Duff, girlfriend of Isles forward Mike Comrie. But you knew that already. She's newsworthy today because it was just announced she will be gracing the cover of Maxim in January 2009. As if that's newsworthy. Shut up, I'm the blogger, I decide what's newsworthy or not.
Lap dance to FHF friend Goozo for the tip and photo
- Kovy scored a goal!!! Woohoo!!! And... Habs lose. After taking 600 penalties. Half of which may not have been really deserved. Not that the Habs were great or anything. More later today;
- At least SLC should feel as bad as us as the Sens are outplayed by the lowly Thrashers 4-1. Oh look, he feels worse;
- Leafs win third in a row! Oh, great;
- Oilers crushed by the Blackhawks 9-2;
- Flyers win fifth straight;
- Iggy has 2G 2 A in a 6-3 Flames win over the Blues.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I am now in one of my "Habs don't deserve hot chicks until they play better" modes for the previews. Let's hope we get out of it quickly, or soon we'll hit the male strippers. We're just gonna ramble for a bit on about the sucky PP and the fact that Breezer is our hottest offensive player [/slits wrists]. Habs have sucked all the creativity out of me. It's been replaced by pure bitterness.
Game time is 7 PM in Raleigh. Habs have lost 3 of their last 4. Carolina has lost 4 of their last 5. Oooh, clash of the titans! Canes have dominated this series lately, 11-2-3 in their last 16 games against Montreal, including a 2-1 win in Raleigh in the last game where the hero was Sergei Frakking Samsonov. Want to know more about Sergei? Be sure to check out The Life and Times of a Caniac.
Hot Habs? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NO ONE. We suck. Oh, wait, I seem to have forgotten someone. Not sure why, there may be a mental block. Some player with a 71 on his back has scored goals in each of the last two games. I'm not sure who it is though. Ah well.
Cold Habs? THE LOT OF 'EM. How does thee suck? Let me count the ways. Fuck it, let's just dive into those power play numbers here. 29th in the league. So close to last I can taste it! Habs are 4 for 46 in their last 10 games. It's not just that we're not scoring, we can barely even set up in the zone. Specifically cold are Pleks and lots of Tits, and the Artist Formerly known as The Artist Formerly known as The Enigma.
Injured Habs? The list will very soon be rid of DOOM, but for now it still includes him, TFS(tm), Saku, Higgy, Broken Arm Shift, and BGL. Jaro will go again tonight, his 4th straight start. I think he's been OK throughout, he has deserved better.
Canes have at least been scoring, as they have a hot player or two. Eric Staal has 4 points in his last 2 games, and Tuomo Ruutu the same thing. Canes PP is really not much better than the Habs though, 27th in the league.
No strippers for your post-game entertainment. Until we play better, it's Bible study all around.
Fuck the Habs in the comments. Talk about something more interesting. Maybe how The Subbanator is gonna dominate the World Juniors?
Monday, December 15, 2008
Mats Rodin Sundin (pronounce both last names in French, it’s funnier) has taken his sweeeet sweet time deciding whether or not his 37-year old frame can overcome the grueling 10 games that will remain on the schedule when he decides to come back. Also, one has to wonder how his full fledged baldness will affect his play.
I read an article a few weeks ago on how men’s reaction-time decreases gradually past the age of 40. That’s why athletes who are still built like tanks well past their prime no longer, i.e. Mark Messier, have the reflexes required to act with quick agility on the ice. There is decreased activity in a part of the brain that houses reaction times and the ability to MAKE A FUCKING DECISION WITHOUT TAKING SIX MONTHS!
Imagine Christmas over at the Sundins.
Mats Sundin: “Knock-Knock”
Nephew: “Who’s there!?”
SIX MONTHS LATER
Mats Sundin: “An apricot”
Imagine what a 3 on 1 rush would look like:
“3 on 1! Sundin streaks down the ice with Kovalev and Kostisyn! Only one defender back! Sundin carries the puck past the blue line! Kovalev dashes alone towards the net. Kostisyn’s just behind! Sundin is waiting, trying to figure out the best option. He’s contemplating his choices now! What action! He’s scratching his head in confusion! What a move! He’s clearly unsure now! The wingers are waiting for a decision! Kovalev gets on his plane and circles around the ice, waiting for Mats to make up his mind! Sundin’s doing nothing! It’s furious action now! Oh Baby!”
There’s this great SNL commercial, where people at the office hint at a guy’s tardiness by greeting him with a long white beard. Bob Gainey needs to do that. Sundin walks into his office and Gainey turns around in his swiveling chair with this long white beard that drops to his chest and this purring black cat on his knees. If Gainey conducts negotiations in an eastern European accent that would also be cool.
Imagine Inny Minny Miney Moe with Sundin.
“Inny Minny Miney Moe, catch a tiger by the toe, tiger’s big and you are slow, I like tiger’s you should know, been to Kenya with my bro, bro’s a doctor in Malmo, Bangkok’s great it’s not so-so, should you go there let me know, get tickets to ping-pong show, astrophysics make me glow, read a book last week on snow, never snort a line of blow, my old socks have gotta go, tic tac toe, I have to go to the bathroom, bathroom needs some re-no-va-tion, rest of house needs some re-too-ling, you’re it.”
Holy poop, Mats, it’s just a freaking hockey season. Shit, I just had this terrible thought. Imagine, you need this emergency transplant and Mats was the only match for your kidney. And Mats is all like:
Rest in peace.
The site is the shiznit kids. If you want to waste time, you could spend hours in there. There are some cool features on the Goalies, the 24th Cup and Jacques Demers (wait, he can write now?). But the real time waster is the interactive timeline where you can click on the Habs memorable moments and find out more. And all the players are there, from The Rocket to Sean Shanahan. Who? Exactly.
Next time the Habs are on the PP, just picture Larry to Serge and back to Larry, firing it in and Shutt burying the rebound. Good times.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Please talk amongst yourselves in the comments, I'm going out. I have a sudden urge to get a physical.
Friday, December 12, 2008
This week I play great hackey against fenetestic teem the Calgary Fires of Flame. Oh so good game I pley like cousin of God. I too great for Fires of Flame and they try score many goal on me Jaro but they don’t know how to put pack in my net.
And whole crap teem Mentreal come to see me in my net after game and say “Oh Jaro, you so perfect, oh Jaro we ween because you pley beautiful hackey and we so bad teem we cant ween nothing if you not pleying in the net, please Jaro we want to make statue of you in new plaza outside Bell Centre”.
So the next day, I wait all day at home for teem to call me to see me make pose for new Jaro statue. It coud take long time to make big statue and is so expensive becase I only want statute to be in gold. So I wait all day, I don’t take nap and nobady in teem call me to make pose for naked Jaro statue.
I so tired to wait all day and so mad I sleep bad the hole night and dreem all the night of litel Jaros posing naked everywere for litel naked Jaro statues, and that one statue is litel baby Jaro drinking milk from mama Jaro boob.
I get to lacker room the next day and stupid coch say “Jaro, you pley again tomorrow against Toumpa Light”. Great teem Toumpa, with litel ant player Marty St-Louwis who so stupid he no from St-Louwis. You litel player Marty, my name is Jaro Las Angeless, now! Oh litel Marty! I not barn in Loss Angeless! Oh Marty!
Now I so angry for no gold Jaro I don’t want pley good hackey for Mentreal and fat Cari. But coch say Jaro you pley because I decide and I coch and I have power and my doghter is very fentestic.
So I pley game and teem pley so bad again, like Fires of Flame game when I beet teem by my alone self. So this time, I imagine teem come to see me after we ween in game and I pley like hero and they say they make big statue of me. Nat this time Mentreal! I nat wait again for you treeks.
So I make Toumpa great teem look like teem that ween Stanley Cap for seven years every day. And Marty crazy name score anytime he want on me. He also so small when big pleyer Vinny score he put Marty in hand and pick him up and give him kiss like agly giant that kiss small frog at end of movie when giant realize frog is not bad person and a good friend.
Fak you Mentreal, and fak you naked gold Jaro!
I just wanted to let you know that I'll be doing the review today.
It will be up by 3ish so please come back this afternoon.
Now, if you don't mind, after last night's disaster, I have to go back to vomiting.
- Oh the suckage. Tampa comes alive, Marty and Vinny take care of the Habs 3-1. Not only did we suck, AGAINST THE WORST FUCKING TEAM IN THE LEAGUE, but the bodies are dropping like flies, and last night was Saku. Oy. More later today;
- I'm sure other games happened, but I'm too fucking annoyed to write anything else.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
"Ladies and Gentlemen, on stage for your dancing pleasure, the Tampa Bay Lightning" - Game Preview and Open Thread
Waiting in line details - 7 PM start at the Phone Booth. Game 6 of the epic 7-game homestand, during which the Habs are 4-0-1. Habs actually 6-1-3 in their last 10. Yours truly had to go all the way to Washington DC to see the "1". Lighting suck; let me count the ways. 0-7-2 in their last nine games. Last in the Eastern Conference. Last in the NHL. Crappy Mullet-headed coach recently fired and replaced with a degenerate compulsive gambler. Trap, trap!
UPDATE - thanks to moeman for pointing out the game is on CBC. Apparently, CBC just doesn't have any programming any more. We need a a Kids in the Hall reunion season!
Pay your cover charge to - to our knowlege there is really only one Bolts blog that matters, and conveniently it's called Bolts Blog. Really good, sensible analysis. From Floridians! No, really! Let's take a look at a sample to give us the state of the Bolts:
At this point, they really have nothing to lose. Everything that could happen to this team has pretty much already happened. Trading away key players? Check. Fired coach? Check. Waiving veterans? Check. Injuries? Check. Toxic locker room environment? Check. Players asking to leave? Check. Meddling owners? Check. Incompetent management? Check. Bottom of the league? Check. Declining attendance? Check. It's essentially rock bottom at this point.
Hot sexy Habs to watch - Gang Bang, The Dagger, Kovy, and Markov all have more points than games played in the homestand. Yes, Kovy hasn't scored in my lifetime, but he has really been giving the effort over the last couple of games.
Skanky Habs to watch - Pleks, Pleks, and more Pleks. And the Habs PP continues to be a joke, 13.6% for 27th in the league.
Hot sexy Bolts to watch - just watch Vinny and St. Louis, will ya? I don't know if they're hot or not, but they're the only Bolts worth watching anyway.
Skanky Bolts to watch - this may be my favourite stat line I've ever written: Olie the Goalie is 0-1-0, 9.29 GAA, .789 save% in his last 2 games. Jussi Jokinnen and Mark Recchi (wait, he's still in the league?) suck too lately. Face it, when your team has lost nine a row, there will be suckage.
Not dancing due to too many vodka Red Bulls - DOOM actually skated with the team yesterday. W00t! He's still not playing though. And with El "I WILL FINISH MY FUCKING SHIFT EVEN IF MY FUCKING ARM IS BROKEN" Dandy coming off surgery yesterday and Higgy also out, there are some lineup openings. Rhino! Gui! RDS has Gui! on the 3rd line with Little Tits and Pleks. Mad Max, Bégin and Greek Lightning will do the dirty work on the 4th line. TFS has the sniffles, so Jaro might play again.
Post-game adult entertainment establishment - let's get in the car and head up to Les Deesses. I know absolutely nothing about it except Deesses means goddess and it's in Laval, so it's got to be good.
Let's hear your old school dirty, dirty thoughts in the comments
- HueT shuts out the Sens, making the Sens the lowest-scoring team in the NHL. We would make an "oh how the mighty have fallen" joke but it would just come back to bite us in the ass;
- Broons finally lose a game thanks to Brent Johnson and Ovie;
- Wings take a 4-3 OT win over the Flames;
- Vanek scores two more in the Sabres' 4-2 win over the Lightning.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
- Fuck yeah, The Dagger. No fear. No quarter given. No remorse for grabbing a fucking loose puck, banging it out of the fucking air, almost losing control, regaining, dipsy-doodling and burying it. Four goals in four games. Take that to heart and shove it up your ass, Gui!
- Gang-banging the Tangy Russian - you knew eventually, Carbo would come up with this line (he tried all the other combos) and eventually it would pay off. Last night was it. We bitch on Kovy for not scoring, but he did plenty of other good fucking stuff last night;
- Jaro!!! meeke many save and show Coch Carboner who boss;
- El Dandy playing the rest of his shift with a FUCKING BROKEN ARM. God fucking love you, sir. That's hockey Don Cherry would be proud of;
- Take your fucking pussy complaints Coach Keenan and shove them up Elisha's ass (ooh, sounds like fun!). Phaneuf cut inside at the very last second as Markov was setting up a perfectly legal hit. Yeah, fuckface, I'm sure he wanted to injure a player for no reason at the end of a game the Habs had well in hand;
- All in all, pretty fucking pleased with ourselves, and happy the curse of HF29 was bullshit. Until the next game.
Of all the Joe Sakic injuries, there is no doubt this is our favourite. Though tearing your rotator cuff while cleaning your own fireplace flue was good too.*
*possibly made up, unlike snowblower story
- This whole Kovy-Lang thing may work out even if Kovy never scores again - Gang Bang had 2G 1A and Kovy two helpers as the Habs beat the Flames 4-1. Dagger continues to make us love him (4G in his last 4GP!) and Jaro deserves some credit too. And the HF29 jinx is proven to be bogus. Unfortunately, get ready for 30+ minutes per game of Breezer 'cause El Dandy broke his arm. More later today;
- Flyers win 4-3 over the Isles, clusterfuck developing in the Atlantic division;
- The Mullet rips into the team that fired him, fails to admit he sucks as a coach.
FHF regular commentor Grrreg gives his take on the Habs from the other side of the pond at The Soft European. His front page currently features a Lanny vs. Larry mustache off, some freaky Olympic mascots, Miss France coverage and a Led Zep photo. All of it done cleverly in two languages. Pierre Trudeau would be proud.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
This is what you get when you google "Calgary Flames Girls". Her favourite book is the dictionary - we're thinking she though the question was "what is the only book that you own?"
Admittedly, this pisses me off way more. At least Rangers' fans know how to treat him.3. The Red Mile myth. All it is now is an excuse for bars to paint stupid "Go Flames" crap in their windows, being nothing more than a marketing label. Nary a boobie to be seen. At least some academics at the U of C are looking into the phenomenon, for the purposes, I can only assume, of how to re-create it.
2. 1989. Al MacInnis. Doug Gilmour. Joe Nieuwendyk. Theo Fleury. Mike Vernon. Lanny McDonald. In roughly that order. I especially hated how MacInnis owned Roy in the finals. It broke my 13-year old heart and forever soured me on the Flames. An unfortunate handicap when you end up moving to the city. Thankfully, we one first in '86. Plus there's the 24 to 1 Cup thing.
1. The collective delusion amongst Flames fans that their hometown team somehow competes with Edmonton's. The Oilers really are much better in every way. 5 Stanley Cups to 1. Gretzky, Messier, Kurri, Coffey, Lowe and Fuhr vs. Gilmour, Niewendyk, Fleury, MacInnis, Suter and Vernon? Please. Even the Oilers jersey's are better.
Alright Habs, let's get a measure of revenge on Calgary for the Stamps' Grey Cup win. Let's hear your thoughts in the comments, and if you're a Habs fan in Calgary, hope to see you at Flames Central!
UPDATE - Ed(HF29)'s note - the following was sent into FHF from reader Hurricane Eye in response to this story. We can't verify its veracity, but we're not journalists so who gives a shit. It amused us.
So I'm walking home around four yesterday when I spot Dion Phaneuf heading in the same direction, on Metcalfe, just north of Ste. Catherine. Since I'm fast and he's slow, I catch up to him. How did I know it was him? Well, he was big and had an NHLPA hat on. Also, he looked right at me and asked how to get to the Sheraton Centre. I told him to head south a block and then west two blocks; since I was heading in the same direction, we crossed the street together, where he bitched about the cold. ("Fuck! It's not this cold where I live." "Where's that?" "Calgary." Aha!)
Once we cross, I point out René-Lévesque - one block from where we were. Except he thought I had originally meant the short little street that runs just south of Ste. Catherine, where the infotourism centre is. Once he realized just how long the block is - about the length of the Sun Life building - he yells, Fuck!, and hops in a cab.
What a wimp. Of course I decided not to tell him that Sean Avery would have walked...
- Leafs end 3-game slide with a 4-2 win over the Isles. Jason Blake led the Leafs with 3 points. Really?
- Sens blow three one-goal leads, end up losing with 10 seconds left in OT, 4-3 to the Panthers;
- Bruins beat Tampa 5-3 for their 14th win in 16 games. They're also 10-1-1 at home. I won't even mention which Newfie is their 4th leading scorer. Jeebus;
- Vanek gets his league-leading 20th goal to help rally the Sabres to a 4-3 win over the Pens.
Monday, December 08, 2008
There are also tributes to the 24 Cups and all the retired numbers, as well as all the bricks the fans bought for no apparent reason. Guy was overheard saying he looks forward to butting out smokes on people's bricks for years to come.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
PRAY TO THE LORD.
Praise the LORD!
PRAISE BABY JESUS!
Because we all know that to believe in Him is to recognize the strengths within ourselves that bond us to His greatness. Because we all know that we got-ta, got-ta, got-ta believe!
And we know that when the Devil wins he steals from our greatness and takes away from the Lord’s creation. Oh heavenly Jesus! Pray for us when the Devil attempts to take our faith, corrupt our souls and poison our hearts. Pray for us sweet Jesus!
Pray for the Devil worshippers who come into our Cathedrals and rob us of our victory, who bring tears to our children and empty our gasket of hope. They do the Devil’s work, and so Devils they are, but in their victory they merely bury their souls deeper into the eternal tyrannies of hell.
And we shall be relieved. Because Devils we are not, and the Devil’s work we will not do, because the word of our Lord it is not.
In the war you wage against our spirit, in your victory you may only know defeat, you will only assault the kindness of Jesus. And he is not assaulted easily, you wretched Devil.
“And we know that we are of God, and the whole world lieth in wickedness. Go Habs go”. (1 John 5:19).
Loucifer, can take his points, the Prince of Darkness may carry the score, yet the followers of the righteous path will hold their heads high and bask in the radiance of the Lord, for even in defeat, they only know triumph.
The Devil’s work will not succeed. He is doomed forever and will be banished in the “lake of fire”, that we have come to know as New Jersey.
Loucifer, the defrocked angel, merely attacks the good in the Lord’s creation because he knows that he must act to exist, whereas the Lord’s creation exists because it’s all it knows, despite itself. And you can see the Lord’s love and pray to His grace before our new statues standing guard outside our Cathedral. They are carved out of the Lord’s breath, erected to defy the strike of the Devil. Be gone, you devil for you are not welcome here.
Be gone, you devil, for you are not WELCOME HERE.
BE GONE YOU DEVIL! FOR YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!!!
BE GONE YOU DEVIL! FOR YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!!!
And take Alex Kovalev and his stupid late penalties.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
We're fucking serious about this winning streak business people. Three games in a row we've done our Google image search for "[opponent team name] girls" and just thrown the information out there; three games in a row we've won. We won't even mention the other streak that yours truly has not been able to watch those three games in a row and we've won, 'cause we'll be watching tonight. Wait, what?
Game time tonight is 7:00 PM at the Phone Booth. Hot CBC action! Habs have won the aforementioned 3 in a row on this epic homestand. Devils are hot as hell (see what I did there?), 6-1 in their last 7. Marty who? Habs have actually beaten the Devils in their last 3 games. I find that hard to believe. First Devils game of the year means Ookies! Yes, Schnookie and Pookie are still rocking over at Interchangeable Parts.
We have some hot Habs! Really! Big Tits 6 points in the 3 game winning streak. The Dagger is rolling! And let's give that 4th line the credit they never got 'cause we didn't review the Rangers game. On the other side of the ledger, Higgy pointless in four games, Kovy goalless in four hundred. DOOM still rocking the coach's suit. Not even Carbo is stupid enough to fuck with the lineup that won the last two.
Plenty of hotties for the Devils. Elias 13 points in his last 7 games, Gionta 9 in 6, and Parise 7 in 5. Elias scored the game-tying goal AND the winner in OT against the Flyers on Thursday. I cannot for the life of me remember when we played the Devils and Brodeur wasn't in the net. Devils suckitude on the PP is not too suprising, but their 28th ranking on the PK must be a typo. These are not your father's Devils.
When the game is over, how about heading over to Montreal institution Super Sexe. Ooh, a new website. Helloooo. Seeing "contact" on the website is confusing.
Here are some non-NHL topics for discussion - Raptors lose Triano's debut, Eric Guay takes a bronze in a downhill, NFL players get reprieve by a judge, and most importantly GO GATORS!!!!
Friday, December 05, 2008
FHF: Uh, we're really sorry Mr. Laraque. By some crazy coincidence, all of us were busy last night and no one saw the game. But we heard it was great, and you were outstanding. And you looked great in those old school C-A uniforms.
BGL: Don't patronize me, cocksuckers.
BGL punches HF29 in the face, rest of HF's run away like Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Making an inappropriate comment about an ex-girlfriend while being Sean Avery? 6 games.
Giving FHF another lame excuse to post hot chicks? Priceless.
- Bégin! Mad Max! Laraque! The Dagger! Habs offensive stars lead the way in a 6-2 win over the Rangers. Dagger was actually the first star. Gui! who? More later today;
- AND the Leafs lose. What a night!
- Sharks win 9th in a row. That's really quite impressive;
- Sid the Kid has four assists to lead the Pens as they spoil Paul Maurice's debut for the 'Canes.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
We're taking Crash Davis' advice pretty seriously. Two games in a row we've done our Google Image searches and just thrown the info out there and we've won. We're doing it again.
Rangers visit the Phone Booth tonight at 7:00, not the usual weeknight 7:30. That's because it's a special Original 6 matchup thingy, with guests at center ice and the whole thing is on the CBC. Like we said, Habs have won two in a row. Rangers have won 4 of their last 5, including last night in a shootout over the Pens. They once again lead the Eaastern Conference, thought the Broons have a million games in hand. The last time the Habs played the Rangers was that epic 6-5 comeback win. That won't happen again. Hey, I wonder what our old friends at The Blueshirt Bulletin are up to?
Well, at least we've got some Habs warming up. Big Tits broke out with 3 points in the Thrashers game, and Pleks played well too. We hope he's coming around. Captain K still a rock. Let's throw The Dagger in there, 'cause we love the way he may dump Gui! out of the lineup forever, because he knows HOW TO GO TO THE FUCKING NET. On the cold side, Kovy's goalless streak is now at 14 games. Higgy pointless in 3.
For the Blueshirts, Henrik Lundqvist has been outstanding, 4-1-0, 2.27, .931 in his last 5 games. Gomez and Zherdev leading the way for the offense. Chris Drury has cone cold.
Carbo sticking with the exact same line-up that beat the Thrash. We always say, coach, your best moves are the ones you don't make. Does this mean that we may never see Little Tits again?
Since there's not much left to say, here are some NHL topics for you to comment on this afternoon while we wait for the game - Avery apologizes, 'Canes welcome back Paul Maurice after axing Laviolette, Joe Sakic will be out 6 weeks with a back injury, Danny Brière out 4-5 with a groin, and the Raptors fire Sam Mitchell. Wait, what?
So join us in thanking all our awesome commentors and readers for their support through these 1000 posts. It's proof of... something. Like, we have no lives.
God help us we celebrate with a win over the Rangers tonight.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Then hope evaporated again. Turned from liquid to gas in 59 seconds flat. 59 seconds out of a Three Stooges movie. Or Laurel and Hardy's "Who's on first?" bit, except it was "Who's On Thornburn?". You could see even calm-as-a-Hindu-cow Price was pissed on that third one.
Carbo kinda/sorta at least thought about calling a time-out, then didn't. And you know what? I hope Koivu - or Kovalev, or whomever is supposed to be the leader on this sinking ship - whet to Coach and said something like this:
"Don't call a timeout, we need to kicked these fuckers' teeth in. Guys, what the fuck are we doing not winning against the Thrashers? A team that is in LAST PLACE in the NHL. A team with lame-ducks owners and a hopeless GM. A team who's best player will be traded within the year because he's certain to leave that crappy franchise when he's a free agent. A less talented team than us, and a team we should be beating in our sleep!"
I hope they said something like this, and I hope that blowing that lead was a turning point, a wake up call, a "insert cliche here", because Atlanta sucks. I can't stress that enough: Atlanta sucks and there is no good reason to blow a three-goal third period lead at home when you are firmly in control.
But I have hope, that they'll turn it around, play interested, play as a team, win. My most cherished hope at this point, though, is hope that the above picture isn't prophetic.
- Habs try desperately to lose in one really bad minute but end up winning, 5-4 over the lowly Thrashers. Big Tits had a 3-point night and Matt "The Dagger" D'Agostini (we're working on it) looked more at home than Gui! ever did getting in front of the net for his first NHL goal. More later today;
- The NHL suspends Sean Avery indefinitely for his "sloppy seconds" comment about the lovely Ms. Cuthbert and Dion Phaneuf, so he didn't play in the Stars' 3-1 win over the Flames. Damn we were hoping to see Phaneuf try to kill the douchebag, and we're thinking he's done alot worse things to get suspended;
- Ron Wilson's return to San Jose doesn't go to well as the Leafs fall to the Sharks 5-2;
- Flyers ride the force of their old-school orange jerseys to a 4-3 OT win over the Lightning.
If you haven't yet checked out FHF regular commentor Copyranter's Habs Fan in NYC, do it now. He hates stuff, which is obviously right up TMS' alley.