Saturday, January 31, 2009

It's a Superbowl Weekend Megapost Preview Review Open Thread of Love

Are you ready for some football??? YEEEHAWWWWW!!! Are you ready for some hockey???

/crickets

Right. Well suck it up people, you are going to sit through two Habs games this weekend and you are going to LIKE IT. If we're gonna waste 6 hours of our Super Bowl weekend watching a worthless bunch of brain dead fucktards (© LG77), you're going to suffer with us. But if you think that we are going to waste one minute of our time previewing and reviewing all weekend, you are sorely mistaken. We've got chili to make.

Here's as much as we'll say. Habs play the Kings today at 2 PM, and will lose to the Bruins tomorrow at 2 PM. Consider this post your one-stop shop to talk about both games before, during and after, and to chime in with your Super Bowl thoughts. Go Steelers! Go Cards! Go cheerleaders! Go wardrobe malfunction! To get you psyched up, please enjoy this video of two women getting bodypainted in Steelers and Cards unis. Mmm, nipple-y.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Sexy Friday is HUGE in Finland

This is Finnish porn star Monika Star (serious NSFW alert). She was born in Helsinki. There is actually a story behind me mentioning Finland today.

As all bloggers do, recently I was looking at our site statistics to see where all of our three readers are from, what their web surfing habits are, and their sexual preferences (Google Analytics is quite powerful). I noticed that FHF had a huge traffic spike from Finland recently. A little digging, and I came across the awesome Karhuherran Murinat blog, who had these nice words to say about us:

"Kansainvälinen nykymodernin feminististisen urheilututkimuksen edistämispalkinto puolestaan myönnetään asiallisesti käyttäytyvien herrasmiesten ryhmittymälle nimeltä Four Habs Fans. Universumin vetävin lätkäseura, huono huumori ja sisällöllisesti arveluttavat naisenkuvat ei voi olla läpeensä mätä yhdistelmä. Suosittelemme lämpimästi."

That's high praise! Google spat out this translation:

International current modern feminististisen sports research for granted in fact behaving in the group of gentlemen's named Four Habs Fans. Universe vetävin hockey club, bad humor and content dubious female images can not be rotten to the core mix. We recommend warmly.

Thanks! And Happy Sexy Friday to all our Finnish readers. You are the sexiest readers we have.

*as always, Sexy Friday copyright KSK.

"The fucking worst time of your life" - Panthers 5, Suckity-sucks 1


Multiple lap dances to Robert over at Eyes on the Prize for shooting this our way. Robert captured this moment for posterity, and it is outstanding. TFM(tm) swearing in his post-game interview. He should write for FHF!

Apparently Carey went a little batshit in the room after the game, throwing his pads around and generally being royally pissed off at being left to the wolves by his teammates. Good for you, Carey, we're pissed off too.

Consider "the fucking worst time of your life" as your game review. Next up, Sexy Friday.

TMS considers ritualistic suicide for Friday, January 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of your bus strike finally ending...
How about Vigneault for Carbo straight up? It's one of those trades that could help both teams. This is not the way we wanted a pre-Super Bowl weekend Sexy Friday to begin.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Panthers Game Preview and Open Thread: Slump-buster Edition



Three losses in a row = no excuse to post hot chicks. If women were as crass as men, Homer Simpson would be the poster child for female slump-busters.

Hey Habs fans, your favorite sports team, in a slump? There is a tried and tested two-step solution: First, pray to an imaginary deity. After realizing there is no god, go out and find a slump-buster. Then feel shame. Although not as much shame as Breezer.

Waiting in line details: 7pm EST/5pm MST in Florida - another away home game for Montreal. Game is on TSN in English! Yay Pierre MacGuire! Finally, an opportunity to ignore Homer Brunet.

Hot Habs: Does Breezer count? I mean, he didn't allow any turnovers from the pressbox last game. That's something. Actually Markov has 11 points in his last 9 games - but it's probably not a good thing that a defencemen is leading in scoring.

Fiery Cats: Up front, the underrated David Booth has 17 points in his last 13 games, while on the backend, ex-Fredericton Canadien Tomas Vokoun is starting to salvage a horrible start to the season with pretty numbers (1.88 /.933) in his last few starts.

Ice Cold Canadiens: Um, all of them. Duh. They suck, will miss the playoffs and we'll all be wearing Leafs jerseys in an few months, remember?

Pouting Panthers: Bryan McCabe is to this space what Breezer is to the trunk of my car: he just belongs there.

Why the Habs may win: to impress Jay Boumeester in an effort to lure him away. We're one defencemen away from the Cup! (Wait, what? I thought they were going to miss the playoffs?) Last time in Florida Mad Max notched a hat trick, so maybe he is to the Cats what John LeClair was to Montreal. Carey Price was supposedly pissed off after the Lightening loss, so maybe he steals one.

Why the Habs shall lose: Breezer is back in the lineup. Panthers are hot with 5 wins in their last 8. While it's nice to get the injured players back, it'll be a while before they hit their stride if the last game is any indication (yeah we're looking at you, Trade Bait Chris Higgins).

OK people, on the count of three we all pray to Jebus. One, two...

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, January 29th, 2009

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of deadly cell phones...
The road trip comes to an end in Florida tonight. Whatevs.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Little Tits likes to go bowling

Alright, the desire and or ability for any one of the FHF to review the crapfest last night is absolutely zero. So fuck it, we're moving on. To bowling!

Hockeyblogtopia patriarch Puck Daddy (actually Puck Daddy writer Dmitry Chesnokov) has a kick-ass interview with the Habs' own Little Tits. It is great stuff, lots of details about Grabovski, Little Tits' favourite players, the fact he thinks Sid the Kid is the most overhyped player in the NHL, and bowling.

Lighting game? What Lightning game?

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, January 28

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of sexy vegetarians...
Sigh.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Habs invade Super Bowl country - Tampa Game preview and Open Thread


Please enjoy the Lightning Girls sexy bikini photo shoot. It's a preview / open thread with video! What a time to be alive...

So apparently there is some football game in Tampa this week. You may have heard about it. By far, the most important fact about the game is that there are 43 strip clubs in Tampa. I know this because all the articles mention it. Pshaw, there are 43 strip clubs on Ste Catherine Street between Peel and St Laurent alone. Anyway, of course that means old school preview time...

Waiting in line details - 7:30 PM start at the St Pete Times Forum, soon to be renamed the stpetetimes.com Forum. Did you know you can get a package of two tickets, two beers, two dogs and a parking pass for $39? Jesus fucking Christ, I think you can buy one beer at the Bell Centre for that (if you're lucky). Habs eked out a shootout win in Tampa over the Christmas holidays after losing one to the Bolts earlier in December. Bolts are starting to show signs of life, having won six of their last nine and can now at least see 8th in the East standings. Habs suck, losers of their last two.

Pay your cover charge to - Bolts Blog of course. Like there are any other Bolts blogs. Seriously, there are no other Bolts blogs.

Hot sexy habs to watch - Markov, with 10 points in his last 8 games, has taken over the team lead in scoring. Anyone else worried that our leading scorer is a D?

Skanky Habs to watch - let's hope TFS' solid first period in the ASG got him back into playing shape. ZombiePleks seems to have returned, zero points in his last 5 games.

Hot sexy Bolts to watch - Vinny, Marty, Vinny, Marty, Vinny, Marty. You know the drill.

Skanky Bolts to watch - Both of the websites I use to write the hot and not sections of the previews list no cold Bolts. Uh-oh.

Your featured dancers for the evening - Higgy makes his triumphant (?) return, and will play with Saku and Dagger on what will ostensibly be the fourth line. Rhino is a "strong maybe" to play, according to Pat Hickey.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - the cream of the crop and the most famous of the 43 is Mons Venus. They even have a live dressing room cam (NSFW, duh).

Super Bowl predictions and / or strip club stories are welcome in the comments

BONUS VIDEO!!! Courtesy the always awesome moeman from the comments. I heart Ovie. And hot chicks dancing.

The Game Day Skate is Back, Baybeee!!!

Finally some real hockey tonight. The second "half" of the season begins tonight with the Habs playing snowbird in Tampa. Higgy is back in the lineup (for his trade showcase?) and the return of Rhino / death of Breezer is hopefully imminent. We'll sort it all out in a preview later today.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Making Sweet Luuv


I don't remember how awkward puberty felt but it must have been something like Saturday at the Bell Centre.

My good, tender, gentle Lord was that ever a bull blasting beating my brain did not need.

There's this guy I know, and he's pretty cool, and he said this about the Skillz . I don't know about you guys, FHF readers, but I agree with him.

If I could have had a small midget kick me in the balls every six or seven minutes or so to wake me out of my boredom, I would have signed up for the experience.

If I could have taken that singer by the throat and pumped a full gallon of dijon mustard down her pipes, I would have done it. Swiftly.

If I could have asked the league to make that last breakaway event A TAD FUCKING SHORTER, I would have sent the fax.

Did you happen to catch Brain Burke give that interview on CBC? If you had to sum up his answer about the state of the all-star game, it would sound like this: IT'S A GAME! A FUCKING MEANINGLESS GAME! ENJOY THIS FUCKING MEANINGLESS GAME! JEEEESUS JUST WATCH THIS CRAPPY SHITTY FUCKING EMBOLISM OF A GAME AND SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLE! IT'S A GREAT GAME! IT'S A GREAT FUCKING, BORE ME TO MY GRAVE, FESTIVAL OF A GAME! SO JUST SIT YOUR FAT ASS DOWN AND LET ME WATCH THIS ENTRAIL EXPLODING FUCKING EXCUSE FOR A FUCKING HOCKEY GAME!!!

Then he smiled:




Lord, thank you for Sunday which was actually enjoyable. Thank you for Alex Kovalev and his redeeming powers. Thank you for his ability to rescue the NHL from a disastrous Saturday.


I remember now why I don't miss puberty. I was awkward looking, I was NOT having sex, and I was NOT having sex.


That's what Saturday felt like, like NOT having sex all over again.


Sunday, we were makin' sweet luuv again.

Rhino is charging back

The Montreal Canadiens have recalled Ryan O'Byrne from Hamilton.

Apparently, Panger's trunk is filled with a certain French-Canadian defenseman once again.

Alright, maybe TMS was a little too brief


So the review of the ASG that was just "Kovy!" may have been a bit too short. So here are all of Kovy's goals compiled by some dude watching RDS. That "change-up" shot he took on the first one was outstanding.

Also of note, the awesome stretch save of Tim Thomas in the OT, and the subsequent standing O by Habs fans. For a Bruin! It's the bizarro-Bell Centre. Of course, I can't find video evidence of that. I may have dreamed it.

TMS Reviews the All-Star Game

Kovy!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

It's the All-Star Weekend Open Thread of Love

And the weekend open thread of love makes it's triumphant return! Here' s a place for you to share your thoughts on life, love, Sid the Kid, Kovy et al. Whatever's on your mind, let it out. We're your psychoanalyst. Watching the skills comp? The ASG? Let's hear it. Actually, HF4 will be at the skills comp tonight and may chime in with a review of some sort. So what do you think of Bettman putting the hammer down? The circus around Vinny? Did anyone watch that Habs special on CBC last night? How was it? I totally missed it. BTW, if you want teh funneh, the MYFO boys are live-blogging the weekend. But do they have lesbians kissing?

As always, "Habs Suck" comments are welcome, even if it is the open thread of love. What do you love?

Friday, January 23, 2009

Bikinis + Ice Dancers = Sexy Friday Fun


Do you like hockey? Do you like sexy women in bikinis? Of course you do, or you wouldn't be here. This gem is the Florida Panthers Ice Dancers Calendar shoot. Really, what else do you need on a Sexy Friday? Some choice quotes from the vid:

"The shoot was a bit chillier than expected"
"I was pretty much just shoveling ice... in a hot bikini!"

Here's more Panthers Ice Dancers goodness, including a link to buy their all-new swimsuit calendar for 2009. My credit card is already out.

*As always, Sexy Friday copyright KSK

It's a free-flowin' ramblin' bumblin' stumblin' Sexy Friday All-Star break TMS

Morning everyone! As there were no games last night, we're gonna dump the bullets and just ramble on for a bit. After yesterday's Marissa Miller bikini pics, today we've got Alessandra Ambrosio bikini pics. Hellooooo. Or are the ribs showing turning you off? My penis is confused. How about that All-Star Game, eh? Sid the Kid has pulled out. That's not a reliable method of birth control Sid! Kovalev is your East captain. I have no idea why. TFS(tm) will also be playing the rookie-sophomore game. Maybe he can play his way into shape. TSN has some Ultimate Canadiens Team thing happening. Seems totally lame without Stéphane Lebeau. Sens have put Gerber on waivers. That is not surprising in the least. Have a very Sexy Friday everyone.

*Sexy Friday copyright KSK

Thursday, January 22, 2009

When Nothing in the Universe Makes Sense: Devils 5-Habs 2




I have no idea what in the world happened last night in New Jersey. It reminded 

me of a great line spoken by comedian Lewis Black who after having heard someone 

say something truly idiotic, says "that's when the left side of my brain looked at the right

side of my brain and said, 'it's pretty dark in here' ".


In congruence with the massive confusion felt over what the Habs have done in the past few

days please allow me to turn the reins over to two people who may shed some light on the state 

of affairs.


HF4: Mr. President, can you...


President Obama: Yes! Obama here!


HF4: Mr. President, you are here with former Liberal leader Stéphane

Dion.


President Obama: Yes, yes. Here I am, I mean I am here, Barack 

Hussein, here, I am, I, with Mr. Dion.


S.D.: Do you mean to say that the President Obama is going to be 

here former one day?


HF4: Could you repeat that? 


S.D.: Well you said he was here with the former leader, you mean 

a before I am a former leader, not now, now I'm not the leader, 

only before, that's when I am the leader.


President Obama: Are you feelin' ok?


HF4: Gentlemen, let's just move straight to the game. Mr. President, 

what did you think about the game?


President Obama: I mean, the chief justice told me the game was at 6.

So I'm like, cool, this is cool, I'll just run down, have myself my

pick-up game, drink my gatorade and watch the game. So I do that and


HF4: But the game was at 7.


President Obama: Yup. It was at 7. So I missed the first period.


HF4: Mr. Dion, did you expect the Canadiens to have such a hard

even with Martin Brodeur out with an injury?


S.D: Oh, for sure, Brodeur is great goalie, and if he play today,

today if he play, he be the best in the world, but it's impossible,

because he's not playing today, so Montreal don't know, so he can't.


President Obama: Sir, any relation to Dan Quayle?


S.D.: I don't really eat quail, it's not time for the hunt, you know,

not today, today we can't hunt, so you ask me about the quail today or

in the summer? Today?


HF4: Mr. Dion, why is Carey Price playing when he's going to be

risking an injury. Did you find his play a bit rusty last night?


S.D: Look, for sure, if he play like this in November, he be bad,

but its not possible, because it's now January, so it's not an injury

you know like that.


President Obama: Anyway, so I call up the chief justice on the phone,

and I tell him that he gave me some bad info. And so he tells me to 

leave the gym and rush home for the second. He tells me he knows

this great shortcut and I'm like, alright, you know best. So the 

driver follows these directions and now we're drivin' around in 

circles. We're totally lost with the judges false directions.


HF4: And so you missed the second period.


President Obama: Voilà.


S.D: Same thing happen to me many year ago. I suppose to see 

my friend in Westmount. He tell me, take Dorchester all the 

way down. So I think when I drive, it's not possible. Today, 

today, this is René-Lévesque, not Dorchester, so when do you 

want me to take Dorchester, before when it was called that? When

did you invite me to your home, before? When it called Dorchester?


HF4: Folks, the game. I want to know if you think the Canadiens 

losing back to back games will affect them going into the all-star

break.


President Obama: Listen, I Barack Hussein Obama,...


HF4: Yes, Mr. President, what do you think?


President Obama: CAN I FINISH A DAMN SENTENCE IN THIS MUTHERFUCKER?


S.D: You can finish it now, but you started it before, so it's like

you already finished before and now you are starting it again.


HF4: Go ahead Mr. President, I won't interrupt you.


President Obama: Look, what you want me to say! I did it all backwards!

I finally got home and saw the third, then I watched the second that 

Michelle had taped on the RVP and then I saw the second, so from my 

perspective, they finished strong. But that Kovalev went to bed 

before it all started.


HF4: Any last words?


S.D.: Good morning!


President Obama: Habs Go Habs! 

The Morning Skate for Friday, January 22nd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of getting the oath right the second time...
  • Alright, now I can say it - Habs Suck. I didn't see it, but I can only assume we suck after a 5-2 loss to the Devils. More later today? We'll see;
  • B's beat the Leafs 4-3 in a shootout, with Michael Ryder getting the shootout winner;
  • Speaking of ex-Habs, take a deep breath 'cause Mickey Ribs got his first career hat trick in the Stars' 4-1 win over the Panthers;
  • Flyers didn't have much of a problem beating the Thrashers. More proof Habs suck.
Welcome to the All-Star break kids.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Oh Captain My Captain - Devils Preview and Open Thread

No one seems to want to talk about last night, so here's a new thread for you to look forward. The basic facts about tonight's game - 7 PM in Jersey, Ookies, Koivu, TFS(tm), and Brendan Shanahan. Please God let us go into the All-Star break with a win.

Personally, I'll be watching Lost.

Put a naked chick in front of the net we'd have had a better chance to win that game - Thrashers 4, Habs 2

"Let’s just say I missed my target almost as badly as Jaro missed the puck last night"

- HFF33akaPanger re his need to bill some lawyer hours today

Uh, yeah. To be honest, I really didn't think we played all that badly last night. Yes, Jaro's first two goals were a disaster. Yes, the D really got their signals crossed on the second one. Yes, at times some of the forwards seemed pretty Zombie-riffic. Yes, the Habs' habit of playing down to crappy opponents is frustrating as hell.

But really, especially in the third, Lehtonen was the difference. Habs outshot the Thrash 36-24. So for that, we'll hold of on the "Habs Suck". For one day.

The Game Day Skate for Wednesday, January 21st

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Marisa Miller in a bikini...
  • Alright, and we're back to the sucking! Halak gets pulled, Habs can't solve Lehtonen in a 4-2 loss to the Thrash. More later today. Maybe;
  • Remember the preseason when everyone had the Pens and the Habs battling for first in the East? Yeah, good times. Pens now in 10th after a loss to the Canes;
  • Sens beat Caps. [checks again]. Yes, Sens beat Caps;
  • The Rangers get back to first in the Atlantic with their win over the Ducks;
  • Talk about crazy standings, Coyotes now 5th in the West after a win over Wings. The Wings!
  • The 15-year contract man is out for the year.
Habs visit beautiful New Jersey tonight. We are nervous.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Yes we can have a Thrashers Game Preview and Open Thread

Some Presidential beefcake for the ladies

Can we watch the game from Atlanta at 7 PM? YES WE CAN (if we have RDS)

Can we win our 9th game in our last 11 because Atlanta is the second-worst team in the league? YES WE CAN

Can we pay our cover charge to Bird Watchers Anonymous? YES WE CAN

Can we agree that Titty Titty Gang Bang is one of the hottest lines in the league? YES WE CAN

Can we be scared of Ilya Kovalchuk? YES WE CAN

Can we believe that TFS(tm) is ready to play, but may not start tonight anyway? YES WE CAN

Can we be sick of HF29's Obama man-crush today? YES WE CAN

Can we brilliantly comment on the state of the Canadiens during the game tonight? YES WE CAN

TMS is thinking about politics, race and history


As we (well, "we" in the sense that Canada is the 51st state) turn from Martin Luther King Day to this historic Inauguration Day, TMS can't help but think about things other than hockey. Sure, the Habs head to Atlanta for a game tonight, but that's the furthest thing from our mind. We can only think of what President-Elect Obama has accomplished, how far the human race has come, and how far it still has to go.

But watching Barack Obama today, sleep tonight MLK, for your dreams have been realized.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Hockey! Tits! Uh, yeah, it's hockey and tits

video

I decided I don't feel like staring at Claude Lemieux's ugly face all day. Luckily, the FHF inbox just hit the jackpot. I really don't know why the whole intertubes automatically thinks of FHF when there's some tits and hockey thrown together. C'mon people, we're all about the analysis! [laughs maniacally]

Anyway, several lap dances to LeNoceur over at MYFO who shot this our way. Apparently, he's got some spies in the NHL video department, who sent him this gem. As Lenoc said to us, "I guess this is how the camera crew keeps busy during the TV timeouts." Look at that camera work! And look at her tits! Er, I mean her ice-shoveling skills!

Fame and glory to the reader who can figure out which Stars Ice Girl she is. I would do it, but my right hand is busy.

Hero of 1986 Playoffs Back in the NHL

I guess this is the most interesting story of the day for us to comment on. The San Jose Sharks, a team that needs absolutely no help whatsoever, have called up Claude Lemieux from Worcester of the AHL. Claude Lemieux is pictured here playing in the Habs-Oilers Old Timers Game at the Edmonton Heritage Classic in 2002. He was an old-timer seven years ago. I repeat, HE WAS AN OLD-TIMER SEVEN YEARS AGO.

lap dance to Van Hab for pointing this out first

The Morning Skate for Monday, January 19th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of going to the Super Bowl...
If (like me) you only use FHF to waste time at work and don't read us on the weekends, make sure to scroll down to check out the goodness from our busiest Sunday evah.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

E.T.: Extra Time - TWO FOR ONE MOVIE AND GAME REVIEW by Jaroslav Halak



The game

Thees jast great game for me but teem pley like crep. But all hole game I look at Otawa and they make me sad in my heart. Like if my heart have litel eyes and litel heart teers come out of eyes in my heart and I cry inside. Otawa you so diferent now! Before, last yeer, I go to Otawa and have very soft poo in my ass becase so nervous otawa so good! Otawa you before like King Kong of hackey and stupide teem like Mentreal like Empire Building and you climb all on us teem I cry on bus every time to Otawa becase I know Otawa you Kong and me litel great Jaro like butterfly with eating deesorder.

But Otawa, you change! You no Kong! You like alien, like agly alien in the space outside from the planet of erth! Hahahahahaha! Otawa so like alien.

You have Elliott in teem! And he like bicicle. And he so young and stupide. And you have big guy with long neck! He always say to pleyer on his line "Heatley phone home". And everybady on teem eat peeces of reeses! Otawa like alien teem! From the space!

Mentreal so bad teem to pley I had big dreeem. I lose tooth in last game and make pray to be trade to fentestic teem Toumpa for Mentreal receeve agly Vinnie. When i wake up in room I feel all disgasting saliva on my face like 20 guys kiss me on mouth! Gross! (I wake up with my penis that go down to my pads again - it heppens every time!) But no trade for now and I still share jab with clown Cari who alweys say "Hey Jaro, I feel good, I pley tomorro!" And I laf becase Cari so clown! This is my teem now Cari and I hate Mentreal becase its asshole teem but its my asshole!

....

Otawa you pley like lost alien that crash to Otawa. You have so bad lack Otawa! You crash in city so boring and sleep city! You have big space wessel and you crash in Otawa and make so mistake! If you crash a bit more away you crash in Hemilton most great city and beeautiful in world! Home!!!

i make fentestic saves against alien Otawa even when Mentreal wining 4-2 in third periood and i hev to pley good to win for teeem. But Otawa make treeks to me and score 2 gols! Ha! So you score alien gols Otawa and you think you win game? I pley like genious in extratime and shootout and Otawa go back to the wessel.

The movie

E.T. My favorite movie with beautifoul Dru Barymorore. She look so old when she 4 I want to marry to her!

Eliott he so scare to see the ET he give him beeer to make him relax and dress sim in costume of girl so ET can be soft like woman. Eliott so smart in movie! He so brave to when he let all frogs go out of can! Eliottt you are Schindler of frogs!!!! This is other Speilberg movie soon.

But Eliott brather and Mom so scare of ET becase he have so bad breath and Eliott mom tell Eliott to brash teeth every night. Also he want to phone home all time and Eliott Mom say, "look ET this is 1982, we no have cell phone! so you cant just call home!" Poor ET! He not know what to do!

So Eliott say 'hey! lets fly bicycle across moon to make poster for movie!" And ET jump up and down and so happy! Then CIA come and want take ET to make ET soup but Eliott protect ET and take him to forrest to go back home becase alien friend is a bit boring all the time. ET show Eliottt treeek with finger that glow and Eliiot think "this is so good idea! i can invent pen that have red light that go out of it and point at people in movie and at women boob in bar and have lats of sex!". Then ET go home and everybady cry in movie.

Wow, so good movie.

RETROACTIVE REVIEW: AWAKING FROM SLUMBER: HABS 3- PREDS 2


SORRY FOR THE DELAY FOLKS! I'VE BEEN IN A DEEP COMA SINCE THURSDAY NIGHT. THE COMA WAS INDUCED BY THE SECOND PERIOD THE CANADIENS AND PREDATORS DELIVERED TO MY BRAIN. I SUSPECT YOU ALL EXPERIENCED SIMILAR PROBLEMS WHICH IS WHY I'M SHOUTING TO KEEP YOU ALL AWAKE, MYSELF INCLUDED.

THE PREDATORS PLAYED A PERFECT ROAD GAME. MY COMA WAS A PERFECT COMA. I COULDN'T HEAR OR FEEL A THING. A PREGNANT ELEPHANT COULD HAVE SAT ON MY FACE FOR SEVEN, MAYBE EIGHT MINUTES, AND I WOULDN'T HAVE BUDGED. SAM KINISON COULD HAVE RATTLED OFF HIS LIFE STORY AN INCH AWAY FROM MY EARS AND I WOULDN'T HAVE FLINCHED.

IT'S AS IF 40 HOCKEY PLAYERS AND 2 COACHES GOT TOGETHER AT 6:45PM ON THURSDAY NIGHT AND SAID "LOOK, WE'VE GOT AN IDEA, LET'S MAKE THIS THE MOST AGONIZINGLY BORING GAME EVER PLAYED IN THE HISTORY OF HOCKEY, NO IN THE HISTORY OF SPORT". "SHOULD THERE BE GOALS?" "MAYBE BUT ONLY IF NECESSARY". "SHOULD THERE BE CHECKING?" "ONLY IF YOU HAVE TO, TRY NOT TO THOUGH". "NOW GET OUT THERE GENTLEMEN AND MAKE US PROUD".

AND SO IT HAPPENED. HEADS IN THE CROWD BECAME HEAVY, DANGLING FROM SIDE TO SIDE, WOBBLY OVER THE SHOULDERS. YAWNS COULD BE HEARD EVERYWHERE, LOUD ONES, THE ONES THAT END IN THOSE WEIRD BACK OF THE THROAT SCREECHES. AND PEOPLE BEGAN TO SLEEP ALMOST AS IF FAIRY DUST HAD BEEN SPRINKLED ALL OVER THE BELL CENTRE.

THE TWO ANDREIS AND GUILLAUME DID APPEAR TO BREACH THE COVENANT BUT THIS DID VERY LITTLE TO DISTURB THE ENJOYMENT OF MY COMA. IT WAS AN EXCELLENT COMA. AT ONE POINT, GUY CARBONNEAU LOOKED OVER AT ALEX KOVALEV AND SAID :"FUCK! YOU GUYS ARE DOING A HECK OF A JOB CAUSE EVEN I'M GONNA KEEL OVER HERE!". JAROSLAV HALAK WAS HIT IN THE FACE BY A NASHVILLE PLAYER AND LOST A TOOTH. HE PICKED IT UP AND DARTED TO THE DRESSING ROOM WHERE HE HID THE TOOTH UNDER HIS PILLOW AND WENT TO SLEEP. 

SECURITY HAD TO USHER PEOPLE OUT OF THEIR SEATS AT THE END OF THE GAME, THE FINAL SIREN ONLY AWAKING A FEW.

THE CANADIENS RETREATED TO THEIR DRESSING ROOM TO FIND LITTLE JARO FAST ASLEEP AT HIS STALL. "AW, LOOK AT THE LITTLE GUY, HE'S SO PRECIOUS", MARKOV WAS HEARD SAYING. THE TEAM SHUFFLED AROUND THE ROOM QUIETLY. SEVERAL PLAYERS FILED PAST HALAK AND KISSED HIM ON THE FOREHEAD "SLEEP TIGHT, LITTLE BUDDY".

I ROSE FROM MY COMATOSE STATE AT 7PM LAST NIGHT, JUST IN TIME FOR THE GAME IN OTTAWA. 

Maxim Laperrière Gets Winner in Shootout


Look ESPN, I know you have given up on hockey and everything, but would it kill you to get the name right of the guy who got the winner? For fuck's sake, the back of his jersey was clearly visible earlier in the highlights, AND after you showed him scoring. Can you even read?

Gotta love the slo-mo then explosion move though. Mad Max, shootout king. When did that happen?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

D'oh! It's a Sens Game Preview and Open Thread

Your cycle slut of the month is Marge Simpson. Her turn-ons include thievery and liquor. Her turns-offs include underpants, pedestrians, and justice. Miss Simpson, I think I killed my pencil...

In honour / tribute / theft of our internet BFF and master of Simpsons references SLC of Five for Smiting, we're hitting the Simpsons quotes for your preview.

The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore - The action goes down at 7 PM at the arena in Kanata. It's on the CBC, let's just hope there's no Bob Cole involved. Habs have won both matchups this year. Sens are 22 points behind the Habs in the standings. I think that last happened in 1912. I'll stop with the mocking though, 'cause Sens have won two in a row and are showing signs of life. This game has trap written all over it.

I like my beer cold, my coffee hot, and my homosexuals flaming - Titty Titty Gang Bang has amassed 25 points over the last six games. Markov has a five-game point streak.

I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah - Meh, everyone's playing pretty well I guess, no real Zombies.

Could God microwave a burrito so hot that He Himself could not eat it? - Alfie, Heater, Spezza, yada yada. And the Sens are now riding the hot rookie goaltending of franchise saviour Brian Elliott over the two game win streak.

I wonder where Bart is, his dinner's getting all cold, and eaten - Brian Elliott's surge has come because Alex Auld is Alex Auld, and Martin Gerber was sent to the AHL for "conditioning".

Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie - But you can hurt half the Habs lineup. The list hasn't changed, though TFS is apparently itching to play and may yet make the ASG. The Sens are missing Volchenkov and Cody Bass.

The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding - for some post-game adult entertainment, please enjoy (or be totally freaked out by) this Simpson porn. It's amazing what's on the intertubes.

The sooner commentors talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word. Kidding!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Sexy Friday's Hot Babe with a Tenuous Relationship to Hockey of the Day

We can't just have stupid TMS sitting there all day on a Friday. While we wait for a review of the game last night, please enjoy Andrea Varesova, Slovak Supermodel who dated Jaromir Jagr back when he played hockey. You know, in a league not owned by the Russian mob.

Enjoy her sexy slideshow (nsfw)

*Sexy Friday copyright KSK.

The Morning Skate for Friday, January 16th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of surviving the Miracle on the Hudson...

  • Take the two points and run kids. Habs beat the Preds 3-2. A classic meh win. More later today;
  • B's win. Are we just playing for fourth in the East now?
  • Leafs beat Canes in a wild one;
  • Your token west bullet has the Canucks losing Roberto Luongo's return to the ice. Against Phoenix, who is suddenly good now? When did that happen?

Bundle up, it's cold out there kids. Or stay in and do meth. Your choice.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Nashville! Uh, uh, uh... I've got nothing. Game preview and open thread

After the hype that was the Bruins game, Nashville seems like a bit of a let down. So let me tell you a story. I had a friend back in law school who could be quite the party girl. She tells me that there's this band in town called Nashville Pussy, and she knows one of them, she's going to the show, and I should go with her. I think I had plans, or I was just scared of a band called Nashville Pussy, so I didn't go. Next thing I know my phone is ringing at 5 in the morning. My friend called, she was hanging out with the band and they were all drinking and doing coke all night. And the bass player (the one on the left up there) was hitting on her. I've been a Nashville Pussy fan ever since. Decent punk, metal-ish rock, and they can turn a swear word into a lyric better than anyone. With hits like Go Motherfucker Go, High as Hell, and Keep on Fuckin', it's like they speak to me. Anyway, on with the preview, in handy bullet point form:
  • 730 PM at the Phone Booth;
  • Habs coming off the B's loss, but still on a 5-0-1 streak at home;
  • Nashville has won 3 of their last 4, including over Chicago and the Pens, and are actually 7-2-1 against the Eastern Conference this year;
  • This is the teams' only meeting this season;
  • The only Preds blog I know, Pred Joe, seems to have stopped updating. Anyone know any others? UPDATE - lap dance to Nashville reader GT for pointing us to On the Forecheck;
  • Big Tits has a five game point streak;
  • Keep your eye out for Shea Weber if he plays (leading all NHL D in goals), JP Dumont and Martin Erat for the Preds. Pekka Rinne is their hot goalie;
  • Koivu has suffered a setback in his recovery and won't be back tonight as planned. Kovy is apparently sick now and may not play. Gregory Stewart has been called up to maybe fill in. BGL has back problems, not his groin as was previously reported. Carey Price may be dead;
  • Will Marc Denis ever play?
  • Jason Arnott probably won't play for the Preds;
  • For your post-game adult entertainment, enjoy these photos of Nashville Pussy.
Please help us out with some reason to care about Nashville in the comments

NHL looks to play outdoors in Vegas, baby! FHF road trip being planned

According to NHL COO John Collins, Las Vegas is being considered as one possibility for the next "Winter" Classic. The game would actually be played on the Strip.

While the FHF tend to disagree about whether playing in the Big Owe is a good idea or not, I think we can all get behind this one. You know, assuming the Vegas Pin-Ups pictured above show up. And strippers. And hookers. And meth. Can you get all that stuff in Vegas? Party time!

(lap dance to SportsbyBrooks via With Leather)

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, January 15th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a casket lined with fine Corinthian leather...
Nashville in town tonight. Ah, the glorious historic rivalry.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Nobody wants to review that shit, so fuck it.

Pretty much sums it up. The Bruins (and possibly the refs?) fucked em.

Well, we either didn't see the game or we're too fucking pissed at losing to the Bruins to fucking review it. Don't worry, you black and gold wearing fuckers. You'll fucking get yours in the fucking playoffs. 

HF4- Hold it right there, HF10!

Before we ask the Bruins to collectively suffocate on the smell of their own farts, let's not forget how the Habs made Chara look like Charo for a couple of periods.

Let's not forget how Halak played one of his better games this season, square to the puck, round in the bum cheeks. 

Let's not forget how the power play is starting to look like the menace it has been for the last 2 years. Let's not forget that I would still welcome Vincent Lecavalier on this same power play with molasses all over my body. 

Let's not forget that Tomas Plekanec is starting to look like that slightly better than not too shabby center we saw last season. Let's not forget that we would ship his ass to Tampa for Vinny Lecavalier, Romanian container style (in return we would get one container holding Vinny and another containing the molasses).

Let's not forget that the Habs held Patrice Bergeron off the score sheet last night, which required a total team effort. 

Let's not forget that Harry Sinden will never be a member of the Montreal Canadiens and that no matter how well he plays for the team Marc Savard will be devising schemes to urinate in Sinden's ears for as long as he remains a Bruin.

Let's not forget that Benoit Brunet's laugh during broadcasts will soon land him the role of the Count on Sesame Street. "Quel but de Guillaume, son troisième but, trois buts, HA HA HA!" 

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, January 14th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being arrested because of your Facebook photos...
Deep breath, TMS. It's a long season.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

It's time to get fucking serious - Bruins Preview and Open Thread

Seriously, it's time to get fucking serious people. No more dicking around. Sure, Carbo's off to the All-Star game because of our record. Sure, the pundits claim we are one of the class teams of the East. But as the second half starts, it's time to see if we measure up against a really good team. The B's are a really good team? Fuck and yes. Tops in the East. One point back of San Jose for best in the league. Leading the league in goals against. Sure, they're coached by Claude Julien, but that hasn't stopped them. We said that the Capitals game was a test, but we got your real fucking mid-term exam right here [grabs crotch]. I'm fucking swearing a lot 'cause I've got the HF10 B's hatred building up. Let's fucking get to it, shall we?

Waiting in line details - 7 PM start at the Boston arena named for a Canadian bank. On Versus for the minuscule subset of the population that reads FHF, is American, and actually gets Versus. Habs are riding a ridiculous 9-1-1 streak while the B's have won 17 out of their last 20 (with a 10-game win streak thrown in there). Jeebus. So far this year, B's have won one regulation game (a crappy 6-1 effort in Boston), and the teams each have a skills comp win.

Pay your cover charge to - 4-1-0, 1.81, .938 in his last 5 games. Marc Savard and David Krecjijcjcji are both averaging more than a point per game, and are +29 and +25 respectively.

Skanky Bruins to watch - same note as the Habs.

Not dancing due to too many vodka Red Bulls - the list is the same as always for the Habs. Koivu is close, close, close, but no cigar. B's also have injury issues. Besides the usual (Sturm, Bergeron), leading scorer Phil Kessel is now on IR with the kissing disease. And it looks like Lucic may not play either, thus disappointing those looking for blood in the form of DOOM's revenge.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - Ten's Show Club has a golf tournament. That's all I need for an endorsement.

Make sure you are fucking serious in the comments

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, January 13th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of making the Hall of Fame (you're getting closer Hawk!)...
Bruins tonight. FUCK YEAH. Let's get it on.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Keep Alive: The FHF Half-Assed Half-Season Sorta-Kinda On Time Review

Did you know the Habs hit the halfway point this weekend? Did ya? Huh?

Really? You knew? Well, bully for you Mr. Checking the Schedule Smartypants Fuckface. I guess you can stop reading right now.

Whatever. For the rest of you, in the grand tradition of the one other time I did this, here's The FHF Half-Assed Half-Season Sorta-Kinda On Time Review. In handy stream-of-consciousness form.

We're what? You're fucking joking. I'm pretty sure this team sucks!: Last year at this time? 2nd in the Northeast, 5th in the conference, 21 wins, 13 losses, 8 OTL. This year? 25-10-6, 2nd in Northeast, 4th in East. For all the whining and gnashing of teeth that gets done around this team, for all the worries about the Bruins morphing into the 1970 Bruins and destroying the planet with their awesomeness, the Habs are ahead of last year's pace and riding an 8-1-1 streak. Fuck, really?

All-Stars! All-Stars! All-Stars!: And so, after all the ballot-box stuffing, all the complaining, all the embarassment that is fan voting, your Eastern All-Stars feature Carey "TFS" Price as starting goalie, Markov and DOOM on defence and Kovy skating with two guys playing for the tenth place team in the conference. Of the four, Markov certainly deserves it, Price's numbers are good but not as good as some others (Tim Thomas immediately comes to mind), DOOM is an FHF and neutrals favourite for his hitting and general all-around badassery, and Kovy shouldn't be anywhere near the rink that weekend. If you look at DOOM as the fan's acknowledgement that maybe fancy-pants goals and stickchecking isn't all you want in a defender, then his election is a good thing. My only wish? That all Kovy and Tanguay's votes had gone to Koivu so he could be named captain, start, and get the ear-blistering ovation he so richly deserves from his hometown crowd. Now I get to hope DOOM breaks someone in half instead. I'll see the replay because I ain't wasting any time watching the game.

The New Guys: Gang Bang Lang is leading the team in goals, points, missed open nets, and ability to mesh with anyone. He's currently leading the charge of the Tits brothers and can also be found hanging out with Kovy in the "former Pens with groovy mullets on the downside of their careers who still weave magic sometimes" section of the dressing room. As a Plan B from "Fuck You" Mats Sundin, he's been terrific.

BGL keeps getting hurt, and he's slow as death when he plays. If he tears Chara's or Lucic's head off before the season is done, it's a successful signing.

Tanguay is also hurt after a promising start. He showed more goal-scoring skill than I anticipated, and the promise of Koivu/Tanguay/Higgins was enticing. Jury still out.

The New Kids: Dagger! Max Pack! Chips! Maxwell! (Okay, not really Maxwell). Weber! As the injuries piled up, Dagger provided a jolt of goal-scoring electricity and helped the team over a rough patch. Max Pacioretty continues to give us all glimpes of awesomeness, and makes the Rivet for Gorges and a 1st (Pacioretty) trade take on mythic proportions of one-sidedness. Chips finally got the call back up, and has looked fine ... which is what you want from your checking line centre-types. Maxwell needs some work. Weber looks to be struggling a bit with the speed and I shudder to think what might happen against a top-flight team. Still, Dagger! Max Pack! Whoooo!!!!

The Subbanator deserves his own damn paragraph!: PK F'in Subban is great. I hope Bob doesn't trade him. He's not even on the team and he might be my favourite Canadien.

The stat that made me go WTF? more than any other: It's not that our leading scorers (Lang and Kovy) are on pace for 64 points. It's not that Mad Max has more goals than Gui! Gui! Gui! and Little Tits, and only one less than ZombiePleks. It's not even that Max Pack has a shooting percentage of 33%. It's this: Josh Gorges, plus 16.

Habs would be dead in the water without: Mad Max and his fucking crazy channelling of Guy Lafleur the past few weeks. Josh Gorges and his mystifying chicken-head-cut-off style of defending resulting in a plus 16 and all sorts of important ice-time (he's averaging over 20 minutes a game!). Dagger and his timely goals. Lang and his timely everything. Breezer, routinely making the safe play and chipping in with a dozen points and a plus 6. Whoa. That and an inexplicable ability to pull games out of the fire. Hold on, kids.

Things to look forward to or worry about: What happens when all the walking wounded return? Where do Higgins and Koivu and Tanguay and Laraque and El Dandy fit in? Can Gorges keep it up? Is Price hurt worse than anyone is letting on? If he is, can Jaro keep winning? Is Bob going to mess the chemistry up with a monster deal for Jay Boumeester or Vinny Lecavalier or Ilya Kovalchuk? Can I get an indication of what sweater number PK F'in Subban is getting, so I can order it now? Will the fucking Bruins please fall back to earth, and will someone shoot Milan Lucic down off a building King Kong style before the playoffs? Can the Habs keep winning, hold down a top-four spot, and avoid a trip to Jeff Carter and Mike Richard's house of goons for at least two rounds? If Bob trades for Tomas Kaberle, do I have to refrain from calling him soft as Craig Janney? Can you believe El Dandy finished that shift with a fucking broken arm??? What the hell is with all the road games in the next few months? Will someone please explain how this is the 100th anniversary, so the Leaf fans can find something else stupid to complain about?