Saturday, February 28, 2009

We'll do anything for a good streak - Sharks Game Preview and Open Thread

After yesterday, our new streak is "hot chicks Tom Brady has had sex with"

Greetings from the Adirondacks, from this "remote mountain lodge" with high-speed internet and five channels of ESPN. What a time to be alive. So let's take a quick look at tonight's game with one of my patented long-winded run-on paragraphs. The game starts at 7 PM at the Phone Booth, and it's on CBC for viewers in Quebec, Alberta and B.C. The rest of you losers have to suffer through the Sens-Leafs suckfest. Habs have won 3 in a row! [has heart attack]. The Sharks may be good. They've won five of six and lead the league with 93 points. The Chum Bucket is fucking funny. Pleks and Kovy seem to be on their way back to being last year's models, 7 points in 3 and 8 points in 4 respectively. I'm sure I don't need to tell you to keep an eye on Thornton and Marleau for the Sharks. No doubt the Montreal rfaithful will greet Claude Lemieux warmly. Now let's talk special teams. Habs are over 40% on the PP since The Semitic Saviour's arrival (now all the way up to 17th!), and can't seem to find a 5 on 3 PK they can't kill. The Sharks, however, have the 2nd best PP and 6th best PK in the league. Nice combo. Habs going with the exact same lineup as last night, including Jaroslav Allah. Nabokov has the sniffles, so Brian Boucher will be between the stripper poles for the Sharks. How about some Shark Porn for your post-game adult entertainment? It's not what you think.

Go Pants, baby! Except for you Bridget. Then it's Go No Pants.

Phantom Penalties to the Rescuuuuue! Habs 4 - Flyers 3 (O.T)

Alex Kovalev's family celebrates another three-point showing for the talented Russian

At first, it looked like the train wreck we have often shielded our eyes from. Two quick goals, a slow and stunned Canadiens' squad once again hurt by terrible mistakes in their own zone and an unwillingness to pay the price in front of their own net.

It must have been a weird opening faceoff for Glen Metropolit, who grinned a helpless grin at his former teammates at centre ice. 

It was a clumsy first for Roman Hamrlik who has looked nothing like the man Bob Gainey acquired last year. In the spectrum of giveaways, Hamrlik didn't simply "cough" the puck up, he "tuberculosised" the puck up. I'm not kidding. It looked like this.

- Mike Richards: Hey, Roman, here's the puck.
-Roman: No thanks, I have tuberculosis, you can have it.
-Mike Richards: Geez, thanks Roman! Hope you feel better.

With 5 minutes left in the first, the Habs had had enough. They had been able to get some good shots on Antero Niittymaki, a name RDS strangely makes sound like a Japanese Formula 1 driver. "Nitoumaki's still in third, Matsuzaka's just behind! Button has overtaken Barrichiello but this race in Nuremberg is all about Nitoumaki!   The man's from Finland people. Finland. The only thing remotely Japanese about Finland is Mika Hakkinen, you know, in that strange David Hasselhoff in Germany kind of way.

The team finally came to life with Zombie Pleks doing the Zombie dance. Another goal on his resume over the last few games, and while he still stands as the worst 17-goal scorer in the league, we'll take'em all and do the Zombie with him every single time.

Greek Lightning hits a few seconds later and makes it a game. The Habs wouldn't stop there, with Kovalev wristing one right by Nakataka Nitoumaki. Flyer fans got mad, several Habs fans were probably molested in the washrooms during the first intermission but it's a small price to pay for victory, and trust me Habs fans, if you make the trek in a Habs uniform to watch a Habs game in Philly, you're all in this together. 

The game settled into a more tight checking affair, with Philly tying the score at 3 and Montreal incapable of getting anymore Zombie love, or Kovy After The Nap magic. Both teams traded chances throughout the third with nothing giving.

Can you all tell I stepped out after the first period and went out for supper? That's how you bullshit people. You just throw in the ambiguous "tight-checking game", "traded chances", yadayada. 

But I did watch the overtime and the Flyers got screwed by some less than reffing. Upshall gets called for goalie interference, while I don't think he so much as blinked at Halak. The power play was obviously designed to ignite fireworks in Jerusalem and make all observing Jews regret keeping the Sabbath and missing the game. Matty finally ended it after several attempts and we all broke out the chopped liver.

Kovy made a great move to thread the pass over to Matty on the winning goal and thousands of miles away, the strong Kovalev women pictured above celebrated into the wee hours of the afternoon.

Call it a great night for the Russians, the Zombies, and the Jews and a less than great one for the Japanese. Nitoumaki was seen after the game drunk at a karaoke bar.

Friday, February 27, 2009

TMS presents the Game Day Skate Flyers Preview and Open Thread (huh?)

Bullet points for what you missed while wondering what the fuck is going on at FHF headquarters today...
Hey did you hear that Tom Brady finally married Giselle Bundchen? Seems as good a reason as any to post

So FHF's lineup has been depleted this week. As noted yesterday, Panger is in Hawaii (fuck you Panger), and HF10 has been dealing with some family stuff (good stuff, not bad, so don't worry). And in a couple of hours yours truly is taking off for the weekend, leaving HF4 to mind the store for the killer Philly-Sharks Friday-Saturday double. So to help him out, your game preview is coming a little early today. And as befitting TMS (and the fact that I stil have to pack), you damn well better believe it's in bullet point form...
  • 7 PM start in Philly, and it's on TSN;
  • Habs have won two in a row! What a streak!
  • Philly has taken 7 of 9, and has solidified their hold on that East 4th spot, 4 points up on the Habs with 2 games in hand;
  • This is the game that always tears Kristin of eager to go psycho apart, given her dual loyalties;
  • Pleks and Markov are your hot Habs. I kind of miss ZombiePleks for some reason;
  • Mike Richards has 9 points in his last 4 games;
  • We know that The Bratislava Bra is starting, but other than that it's tough to get lineup notes at 7 AM. Most like El Dandy won't play, as he's asked to be traded;
  • Danny Brière is expected to come back tonight after missing the last 35 games;
  • I can't even think about post-game adult entertainment at this hour. I've heard that there is porn on the internet, maybe you can find some.
Take care of each other in the comments today kids. Go Pants.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Menachem! Nooooooooo!!!!!

Just when you think you've got a chance for peace in the middle east, they ship your leader to Dallas.

Begin! Menachem, we'll miss you so! You who could stare down the enemy with bravery and might. You who could galvanize protest against the pervasive lack of the dedication that has ailed us for too long.

You, Menachem, whose eyes stared convincingly onto the horizon of hope and commitment. You, who led not with the emptiness of the word but with the abundance of the action.

You, Menachem, you have paved the way for a new generation of young men who will remember how much you toiled, and how moist the brows over your endless blue eyes were rendered by the toiling.

We will miss you Menachem, and in our sorrow, we may only wish that the man we welcome in exchange for your wrenching departure, Doug Janik, reveal himself as but a desperate fraction of the badass mutherfucker we grew to love.

Doug fucking Janik.   

The first of what will be too many posts about the trade deadline (e3)

This random photo of hot models is just to distract you from the fact that this post contains virtually no intelligent hockey analysis

With FHF resident actual hockey expert HFF33akaPanger sunning on the beaches of Hawaii (fuck you Panger), yours truly is forced to write this post. With the trade deadline less than a week away, let's take a quick look at what may or may not happen to some interesting players.

Jay Boouwmeester
Probably the most likely player to move prior to the deadline. But all of a sudden, the Panthers are actually good and may (will? should?) make the playoffs. We don't know how this affects their decisions about trading the pending UFA.

Chris Pronger
The Ducks are in salary cap hell, and Pronger's $6.25 mill contract ain't helping matters. With the Ducks sort of meh right now, expect some front-runner to grab Pronger to beef up the blueline.

Keith Tkachuk
He'll get traded, but he'll end up a Blue again anyway. It's some crazy Lost time loop thing.

Martin St. Louis / Vinny Lecavalier
Not. Happening. The Bolts have said as much, and the price will be too high anyway. They're here just to rile up Habs fans, or make them drool.

Marian Gaborik's hip
Damaged at the factory, could be available at a big discount.

Doug Weight / Bill Guerin
Let the Annual Pillaging of the Isles begin!

The Tronna Maple Leaves
Kaberle! Antropov! Kubina! Everything must go!

Let's hear your trade thoughts in the comments or I'll get Bob Mackenzie to sit on you.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, February 26th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of seeing a winning team play at the Olympic Stadium...
Seriously, congrats to the Impact. What a fucking run. Makes me want to go to Mexico next week.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Look! How to They Put No Goals Behind to My Net!!!! Habs 3 - Canucks 0


Ca-ri! Ca-ri! CAAA-RI! CAAAAA-RIIII!!!! You stupide fat, agly, lazy, retard, smell, wale! No no Jaro you no pley you make stu for team? No no Jaro, you no came to restorante with teem becase you have breth like corpse. No no Jaro you cant to call me animore becase I not marry you after only 9 days. That is now over, in the past and the past is tomorrow!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA. I am king of Disney Land and I'm going to the wooorld!!!!

Coch Carbonner aske me before game last nite if  want to pley again. He say, Jaro you my hero and Cari is in container in boat to Tibet, ssshhhhhh!!! I say ok coch, it's Jaro time and coch give me super cool hifive. I tell teem that nobady put goal to me, and teem say Jaro you better than Baraka Bama. I sey you stupide guys! I not blek pleyer? I no Larak Obama! And teem laf so hard! Oh Jaro you craaaazy!

So I jamp on ice and man with voice like czech toilet sing baby Canada song. Oh Ca-na-da, You such a big Fat Wale. My ears have blad inside. Why no have good song with great singer like TLC? Don't grow crashing waterfals, lalalala. 

While the song I look up and see the big 33 number and say hey he talk to the net before game and he win mach so now i try! I turn to net and say, Hey you, net, you and me, we have a destiny and we gonna be right. No! Just kidding! I look at to net and say, Hey net, it's me, Jaro.  You be good with me today ok? Net, you remind me of my girlfriend in Bratislava. She has bra that look like you, net! Big big bra. Net, you play like bratislava bra today ok? Hold me together, like good bra, ok net? Ok, net, song is over now, so tell evrything I just say you to the posts so evrybady clear ok?

Teem pley bad in game. Kovalev not attach his pampers well and he pley like baby who make pee in pampers and cry for two hours but parents too busy becase they putting cocane in nose. Breezer make big mistake and vancouver player come to me with pack and I have to make nobel save, but Breezer so stupide again when he take pack from me on line of my net! Ok, Breezer loser I shoot pack from blue line in next power pley, ok? 

Fans screem Jaro Jaro Jaro and I screeem Jaro! with them. So mach fun! Vancuver so great teem, almost like leafs of mapel, so i understand why sundineen go to vancuver. Peeple say so much rain in vancuver! Ha! better than snow! snow here is everywere. Especially snow in lacker room and in restorante in bathroom with my new friend pacwale mangiggila, but he say that secret so ssshhhhhh!!!!

No gols to put in my net, and coch sey after game, Jaro, we move # 33 a litel to the left. And I sey coch I lav that song too! To the left, to the left, every litel baby in a box to the left, so goood! 

Cari now in contaner going to tibet and Mentreal Cenedien my teeemm!!!!! And I pley in Fildelfia again and I see my blonde girlfriend who call police when I go to see to her at home at 3 in the morning with candoms and choclate and contract for marry. She will lav me, even after she ask where fat wale is and i say IN TIBET IN CONTANER. HAHAHAHAH!!!!

Free Tibet. 

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, February 25th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a Beyoncé nipple slip...
Hey, we've won two in a row!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The game wherein Montreal fans warmly welcome Mats Sundin with a polite round of applause - Canucks Game Preview and Open Thread

Remember last summer? Remember when we wasted our lives patiently waiting for the Matsiah while staring at hot Swedish chicks? Of course you don't. It never happened. But we're pretty sure the crowd at the Bell Centre remembers. No doubt they'll thank Mats for his diligence in not making a rash decision. All we can say to Mats is he should thank God this ain't Philly. Let's hit the bullets in tribute to what Flyer fans would do if Mats had spurned them:
  • 7:30 PM start at the Phone Booth. It seems to be on Sportsnet Pacific, meaning it's probably blacked out everywhere but BC and Alberta;
  • Habs have won... one in a row! Canucks, after sucking big-time when Mats got there, have gone on a tear, winning 8 of 9 games and jumping from 11th to 5th in the West;
  • Canucks beat the Habs 4-2 on the Habs' recent Western swing;
  • Orland Kurtenblog is your source for all things Canucks and beyond;
  • Kovy is coming off his best game of the season, and Pleks and Big Tits are riding with him. The Semitic Saviour and Markov are scoring points, while the latter's defensive coverage has been, er, not good;
  • The Sedins are scoring (big surprise) and Mats has a point per game over the Canucks' good stretch;
  • Halak will get the start again after his 44 saves on Saturday. Carey who?
  • We thought Tangy was oh so close to returning, but after meeting with doctors he's still out a week or two. And in case you missed it, Franky B is out for at least 2 weeks;
  • For your post-game adult entertainment, in tribute one last time to Mats, enjoy the Swedish Department of Sex (seriously NSFW).
Let's hear your best Mats taunts in the comments.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, February 24th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of zombie Lindsay Lohan...
Habs take on the hot Canucks tonight. Didn't they beat us, like, just last week?

Monday, February 23, 2009

Rangers' Tom Renney axed; Carbo's breathing becomes laboured

Fresh off the recent Pens' firing of Michel Therrien for sucking up the Eastern Conference standings, Tom Renney has been fired by the New York Rangers after their 10th loss in 12 games.

Kovy may have saved Carbo's ass on Saturday.

The Morning Skate for Monday, February 23rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning an Oscar...
Happy Monday everyone. Let's hope this week is a little calmer than last week.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Gone Baby Gone - Two For One Game and Movie Review: Habs 5 - Sens 3


The Game:

This is horrible news. Our beloved Canadiens are missing. The team that doesn't play defense, can't score, can't hit the net, won't hit a human being, likes to take a hit of crack was NOWHERE to be seen yesterday afternoon.

It seems that the operation began as early as 12 pm when masked men started making their entrance in luxury cars at the Bell Centre parking lot. The masks worn were inspired by the Mission Impossible series, and appeared as exact representations of the players' faces. The shrewd tactics eluded building security and the 22 men were allowed to trickle into the Canadiens' dressing room unsuspectingly.

Meanwhile, in a St-Henri warehouse nearby, the real Canadiens laid in a dark room, tied up, and helpless, grimacing in fury despite the handkerchiefs stuffed in their mouths to muffle the screaming. Only Andrei Kostitsyn was able to let out a few words from the side of his congested mouth: "It's 2 o'clock and I'm going to miss my happy finish on Parc Avenue!"

Coach Guy Carbonneau entered the dressing room to find the men half dressed and quiet. He delivered a 4-minute sermon reminding the team of what they had learned in practice the day before. The men shrugged their shoulders in confusion. "What was the lesson we learned yesterday?", Carbonneau insisted. After a tense silence that needed to be broken, the man who looked exactly like Francis Bouillon said "Team, it's all about the team". Carbonneau accepted the answer reluctantly.

The players made it on the ice to start the game and things went remarkably well. The man who looked EXACTLY like Kovalev made a perfect pass to the PERFECT imitation of Tomas Plekanec. On the bench after the goal, the Kovalev imposter frantically pointed towards the guy with the Plekanec mask "You're mustache!!! It's falling off! Fix it! Fix it before they see it!".
Then the Kovalev imposter jumped back on the ice and stopped a Senator from leaving the zone, hopped on the puck and wristed it past Ottawa's goalie. "This is strange", he said, laying on his back, the puck sitting behind his goal line.

The fake Canadiens jumped to a 4-0 lead and everything was going according to plan. At the warehouse, Pasquale Mangiola was montioring his squad's progress on the various screens he had set up in his headquarters. "Perfect", he relished. "This is perfect". His right hand man. Vinny de la Vinny looked at him in awe: "Boss, I can't believe those Tits brother's gave you all this info without asking questions! Players addresses, DNA samples, doubles of their house and car keys! I mean you got EVERYTHING! Now we can just let the boys do this job and we'll make millions off the bets! Boss! You're a fuh-king genius! It's a beautiful thing!" Pasquale looked at Vinny de la Vinny confidently: "On Tuesday, Vinny, we win 8-3, we put Vitto, I mean Carey, back in nets. Vegas won't know what hit'em, badabing, badaboom!"

The team was locked-up for the entire afternoon. Andrei realized what he had done and was horrified. How long would they hold them in here. How long till the next happy finish. What about Sergei? Would Sergei catch on to this plot? Would he save us?

The impostor team played a strong game, but still did not want to leave all traces of normalcy behind. For these reasons, they still allowed nearly 50 shots on impostor Halak, and looked very much like the real Canadiens in doing so.

This team of impostors we saw last night may turn out to be made of the stuff fans have been longing for. We may never want to real team to be rescued. The entire team has been kidnapped and nobody knows. To find them, AXE marks the spot. In the meantime, the real Habs are Gone Baby Gone

The movie: Gone Baby Gone

Morgan Freeman, sit your pansy, sagging narrating ass down for TWO minutes and tell me what the hell you were thinking when you kidnapped that girl!!!! Fool, are you trippin?!!!!

Ben Affleck, all is forgiven, even Jersey Girl. No, not Jersey Girl, that's unforgivable. But Daredevil is forgiven and forgotten. That was some smooth directing son. Glad you were original enough to remake Mystic River, the movie that was released two years before, we really needed a fresh, new, modern perspective of that film.

Casey, if it looks like an Affleck, talks like an Affleck, quacks like an Affleck, has a last name that is Affleck, then we know it's an Affleck. Good performance playing Mark Wahlberg.

Ed Harris, you slip into the villain's shoes so easily and we love you. You can be an astronaut, a dying poet, or a badass corrupt cop, it's all good baby. You can play nude Macbeth and we're in for the treat. You can play Norbit's twin, it's fine by me.

Strong movie. Weird breakup at the end, which was very Affleck like. This was probably Ben's secret wish to have J-Lo abducted and killed. Good luck, Benny. As MJ once said, Heal the World, Make it a Better Place.

Ko-vy! Ko-vy! Ko-vy!


Not sure if we'll have a real game review at some point on this lazy Sunday. I just wanted to give two quick impressions from the Bell Centre yesterday, and they're both Kovy-related. The building was fucking dead at the start of the game. One exception - when Kovy was introduced on the scoreboard during the player intros. You'd have thought The Rocket (who Kovy gets paired with on the scoreboard) himself had come back.

And talk all you want about Kovy's killer pass to Pleks (0:14 mark) or his steal-and-bury-it goal (0:40), but I will always remember the play that didn't make this 5 minute highlight reel. Kovy on the PK, diving to clear the puck from the zone. I have a tear in my eye just thinking about it.

Combine Kovy's performance with the Semitic Saviour of the Power Play, and Bob is looking like a frakking genius.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The traveling circus comes home - Sens Game Preview and Open Thread

Drug dealers, Tits, and the mob. Kovy's Bob-ordered timeout for "rest and reflection". A team that has won 3 of its last 15 games, including the just-concluded 1-4-1 road trip. The Habs' circus has come home to meet the Montreal media circus, for the afternoon opener of CBC's cash grab celebration of our national pastime, Hockey Day in Canada. Let's hit the bullet points to try and sort this one out:
  • 3 PM start at the Bell Centre, on CBC as mentioned;
  • Habs have taken all 3 games from the Sens this year. Jinx!
  • Habs are fighting for their playoff lives, while Ottawa is now at the top of the East also-rans, and there may still yet be hope, especially as they've gone 5-2-2 with the new coach;
  • With our eternal man-love for internet BFF SLC of Five for Smiting, we often omit other great Sens bloggers, like the artist formerly known as Sherry and DHS over at Scarlett Ice;
  • Kovy will be back on the ice, with the all of a sudden hot Mob-lover Big Tits (5 points over the last 2 games) and Pleks (4 in 2);
  • Jaro will get the start;
  • At 7:30 in the morning it's hard to find out any other line up notes. Update these yourself in the comments, okay?
  • Will Tangy ever play again? And Alfie is out thanks to a puck to the face;
  • For your post-game adult entertainment, thank the Sens for (re-)acquiring Mike Comrie, giving them a 1-2 WAG punch of Hillary Duff and Carrie Underwood that any team in any league would kill for (lap dance to gillis for pointing that out).
Yours truly got lucky with a friend's corporate season tix, so I'll be seeing the circus in person. Look for me in the awesome / sacrilegious / evil half-half Habs jersey. First one to spot me in the comments wins a prize, like a line of coke or something.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Hockey Players Like to Make Love to Beautiful Women and Lose to the Pittsburgh Penguins : Pens 5 - Habs 4


It's hard to know where to begin. Another loss, "to build on". Somehow the coaching staff has found contentment in taking the positives out of an overall negative situation. Rumors have been coiling around the team like a venomous snake and have transformed a classy organization into tabloid fodder that would make the Brits proud.

It's easy to stir controversy when the team is losing. You feed off the negative energy and become far more receptive to the the angry tidal wave that fans and media set-off. When the team is winning, they become untouchables. You can snort coke off a lama's ass if you're at the top of the standings. Nobody wants to hear it, nobody wants their bubble to be burst.

Well, KA-fucking-BOOM!

Forget your bubbles, forget your fabled team, forget the honor, the legacy, the legend. Forget your Béliveaus, your 100 years, your 24 cups. What we have today at the Bell Centre is a round- the-clock circus. Shriners galore. The team should trade in the hockey helmet for the fez and start taming elephants instead of opposing goaltenders.

And it's embarrassing. Why does this team need to grab headlines for all the wrong reasons? Everything that is supposed to go down in history becomes marred by controversy. On an afternoon where the Habs are playing the league leading Bruins, THE  hated rival, love or hate those pajama jerseys, it was all leading up to something; something eventful, something to remember. Instead, that game turned out to be the reference point for the ensuing collapse. Kovalev was benched for the third, totally slighted before the very fans that were cheering his All-Star MVP honors a week before. 

The wheels came off at that point, and odd reports concerning player conduct started propelling the eager rumor mill, which only needs the faintest breath in Montreal to reach incredible momentum. The media took to this side of the story and went to town with it. 

Last night, Ron Fournier promised he would be staying in studio all night to ensure proper coverage of a story that would have a drastic impact on the city. He alluded to the fact that players may even be arrested on the tarmac as soon as the plane would land. 

What we have that passes as hard news is that Andrei Kostitsyn and his little brother Sergei are both horny young males, who may enjoy a drink or two or three or drugs and may like to hang around a "shady" guy. And this is supposed to become the headline of the year. You think Gotti may have had a drink or two with some high profiled athletes? Professional athletes shmooze with wise guys and this is what we use to stir the pot more?  

How naive does the media think the public is? A portion of the story does raise some eyebrows, like why "Shady guy" allegedly had financial data that belonged to the players in question. Is there a gambling controversy on the horizon? It's hard to tell, but this is not the kind of news that makes it to the front pages in Montreal. This is supposed to be old wives tale material that begins with, "I heard he slept with her and partied with them and drank this much and woke up naked in this park and got traded because of...."

Are we supposed to call the Kostitsyn party route news? How is stating the obvious news? Athletes party. they party hard. The sleep with beautiful women. They do it for free, they pay for it. The booze it up, they eat their filet mignon at night, and they have their pasta lunch and nap before games. So in the midst of this losing streak, all of this unnecessary attention to the most irrelevant gossip only serves to disassemble the entire image of a team that today looks like a blazing sinking ship.

You want news? This is news. As a result of last night's loss, the Habs are now just four points ahead of ninth place Carolina. That's all I want to hear about. Maxim Lapierre can bequeath his entire estate to a snail for all I care. Saku Koivu can tattoo a picture of Oprah on his ass.

Enough with this circus.

TMS brings you the Tits and Drugs for Friday, February 20th

Tits? Drugs? We think of Lindsay

We don't even know where to start with this. We should mention the Habs lost last night, a 5-4 entertaining affair in Pittsburgh. Habs finish the road trip 1-4-1. Ugh. But all of that is secondary to the "big story" this morning.

Apparently the Tits brothers (and to a lesser extent, the Hamr) have been palling around with a drug dealer just arrested last week. Pasquale Mangiola - get used to that name, you'll be hearing it alot over the days to come - bought cars and apartments for the brothers, and arranged for some, er, companionship. The gang and the Hamr were seen in bars together. Oooh, juicy!

All sorts of rumours about half the team being on coke and that's why we suck, but we'll just shut up about that. We're a quality news source here! Bwahahahaha. Anyway, much more to come as this all plays out.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Penguins shorty preview and open thread

Sorry kids, real life got in the way this afternoon, and after the brilliance of the Lost preview how could I top that anyway. So here's the basics, in handy bullet point form:
  • 7 PM start, on the CBC for some reason (oh, we're playing Sid, there's your reason);
  • Carbo is going with the same line up as last night, including TFS;
  • CJAD reports Carbo told the media they were a bunch of idiots for all the Kovy BS (I'm paraphrasing), and RDS says Kovy is all good and will be back practicing with the team tomorrow, after RDS stirred the pot yesterday with a bunch of stories from Russia. Wait, what?
  • All hail The Semitic Saviour of the Power Play, and TFS' old goalie pads;
  • The Flower thinks the Habs suck, and Bob was a dick to Kovy, and Carbo can't coach;
  • Crosby, Malkin, you know the deal;
  • Dan Bylsma makes his home coaching debut for the Pens.
Go Pants, go meth, etc., etc.

Better than a stick in the eye: Habs lose, sorta.

It looks like it hurts, but it's not as bad as you think.

When is a loss not a loss?

Well, never, actually. A loss is a loss and it fucking sucks. Last night's loss sucked. Unless you want to get into the Tavares/Hedman sweepstakes, losses are never, ever good (and even then, what kind of torture is it to rationalize losses? Tell me Islander fans didn't have some mixed emotions about losing to the Rangers last night.)

However, there are some losses that are more palatable than others. For instance, when your previously dead-man-walking team goes toe-to-toe with the reigning MVP Ovie, the world's scariest defender/rover/goalscoring blueline menace Mike Green, and the rest of the Caps offensive machine, and when your previously maligned "number 1 centre" plays out of his turtleneck, and when your franchise goalie starts to resemble the player drafted fifth overall, not the sieve of the past month, a loss is a little more tolerable.

Of course, the punch in the stomach way they lost still made me unleash a string of expletives on Whats-his-name Steckel and his epileptic ostrich goal celebration. Fucking Steckel. Sounds like the villain in a Vince Vaughan/Will Ferrell movie.

The Sky is Falling: Well, they still lost. They are still in a horrendous slump. They still gave up a lead with less than five minutes to go. Markov and DOOM still looked terrible for most of the night, and there still wasn't much to talk about 5 on 5. Price sucked horribly in the shootout, which at one point was supposed to be automatic points for the Habs. Mad Max did not look like he was playing at Mad Maximum Speed ... perhaps he was gearing up to face old QMJHL enemy Sidney Crosby tonight. I do find it interesting when a game like that out of Max disappoints. That kid has made a tremendous leap, I tells ya, because the game he played was still pretty damn good.

Plan the Parade: Har har de har har. Good one. Still ...

The Caps have only lost 4 times at home this year. They might be the fastest, slickest team in the league, and Ovie, Semin, Backstrom and Green are terrifyingly good. The Habs didn't play intimidated, weathered all sorts of storms, and had a chance to beat one of the top three teams in the East on the road. Price was outstanding for long stretches. Can you imagine what the score would have been if "last week Carey" was in nets? He got beat by a piece of magic from the best player in the world and the tying goal was a deflection he never saw. One game does not indicate that TFS has returned, but it sure is encouraging. Pleks looked like the Canadiens best player ... an inch to the right and his shot off the post is a game winner. Higgins scored. CHRIS HIGGINS. Oh, and Mathieu Schneider made Bob look like a genius for at least one night; 3 power play goals, with Schneider and Markov instrumental in all of them.

No Lap Dances, because if all the rumours are true, all the young guys on this team are partying too much already. Except Josh Gorges, who I believe is working up the courage to ask a girl down to the malt shoppe and just might hold her hand! (You go, tiger!) Provisional Lap Dance* for Bob for the Schneider trade being a smashing opening night success. Provisional Lap Dance* to Kovy improving this team by getting his disruptive dipsy-doodling ass sent home.

Penguins ce soir. More on that later, if 29 can stop talking about Lost.

* Provisional Lap Dances can be revoked, suspended, or turned into Provisional Bricks through the Condo Window at a freakin' moments notice. Hey, we're irrational Habs fans. We love you, but fuck you too, just in case.


The Game Day Skate for Thursday, February 19th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the President coming to visit...
  • Even though the Habs lost, that might have been the beginning of something better? Of course we were watching Lost, but by all accounts the Habs played a full game of hockey last night, only to lose in the SO. Hey, you know who might have helped in the shootout? Kovy. We're just saying. Oh and Ovie had some miracle goal. More later no doubt;
  • Rangers stopped their own bleeding with a win over the Isles;
  • The Columbus Blue Jackets are hot baby! Their win over the Blues put them in 5th in the West and 6 games over .500 for the first time in their history. Woohoo! This three sentence bullet points fulfills our West quota for the week.
Pensburgh tonight. Let's hope the effort continues.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Habs are totally Lost - Caps Game Preview and Open Thread

I'm a Sun fan, especially with her new 2007 badass attitude. Do you prefer Kate? Claire? Dead babes like Shannon, Ana Lucia, Nikki, or Charlotte? Man I love this show.

Seriously, this team is Lost. Wayward. The sky is falling. The Black Rock is sinking. You know the metaphors. Anyway you slice it, I only wish the Habs could flashback to the mid-70's. Here's a preview for those of you who will be watching the game, while I'm watching to see if the Oceanic 6 get back to the island. So grab a glass of MacCutcheon and dive in.

Waiting to enter the numbers - 7:30 PM start in Washington. Available on TSN. Caps have taken two of three this year, including the Theo shutout I remember all too well. Habs have Lost 15 of their last 16 (or thereabouts).

The Others - I don't think I need to introduce you to A View from the Cheap Seats anymore. We all know CapsChick rules.

Hot like the Swan Station imploding - Captain K is playing OK. The rest of the team blows. Though I didn't see much of the West Caost trip, maybe we have some good players? Hahahaha.

Frozen like the wheel below the Orchid - Many, many players. TFS especially, who's getting the start. Let's hope Carbo hasn't scarred him forever, and his new old pads help.

As old as Richard Alpert - Mathieu Schneider makes his version 2.0 debut for the Habs.

Hot like Sawyer and Kate doing it in a cage - Ovie, Semin, Backstrom, Green. Like this is news?

Cold like Jeremy Bentham's body - Caps are good. No one here.

I don't know what the fuck is going on either - RDS has the following lineup. Try to keep track:

Higgy-Koivu-Dagger
Big Tits-Pleks-Patches
Stewie-Laps-Kosto
El Dandy-Chips-BGL

Markov-The Semitic Saviour
Hamr-DOOM
Franky B-Gorges

The Dharma Initiative makes porn is your post-game adult entertainment (nsfw-ish, but not really).

Apologies to all the non-Lost watchers out there. Let me have it in the comments, I can take it; I'm tough like Ben.

The Game Day Skate for Wednesday, February 18th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being a California Civil Service worker...
So the Habs are in Washington tonight. So many questions. Your preview may be on the late side, as we wait out the day f0r more Bob tweaking. And stories of Kovy napping. Oh speaking of Kovy, La Presse is reporting that Bob has been actively shopping him for two weeks. Guess that bag of pucks offer was insufficient. We would have taken it.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

All that scoring has Kovy tuckered out, ordered to take some nap time by Bob

Tweak, Bob, tweak! Bob has ordered Kovy to skip the next two games in Washington and Pittsburgh, for "relaxation and reflection."

That'll cure him. Plan the parade kids.

Little Tits disappear from Montreal

The supply of Tits in Montreal has been cut in half. Sergei Kostitsyn has been assigned to Hamilton, with Gregory Stewart taking his place.

Bob tweaks while Rome burns. We need a major move already, especially after the Capitals beat us 8-1. Oh, that hasn't happened yet? Sorry.

Can Mathieu Schneider Turn the Team Around?

Schneider addressing the media in the locker room after his first practice with the Canadiens

Bob, you've been trying to sell us the youthful energy of Jay Bouwmeester for a month and now we've gotta settle for this?

I'm not sure this is going to work. At least, the team is in no risk of losing the Viagra account.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, February 17th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of not getting arrested for smoking weed...
How about a young Mathieu Schneider pic to brighten your day?

Monday, February 16, 2009

Hanukah Arrives Early, ....or Late.

Jews in Montreal are hysterical over the news that Mathieu Schneider is back in Montreal

The Jews are back on our bench! The Jews are back on our bench!

Stir the Matzah Ball Soup Ma! Curl up and watch When Harry Met Sally for the 17th time. Rattle off those Jewish Nobel Prize Winners again, cause THIS IS HAPPENING!

Mathieu Schneider is back.

Oy, has it ever been lonely since our Matty left us with our circumcised shmekels in our hands. It was a day that left our hearts as heavy as Ariel Sharon's,...as Ariel Sharon. One minute he was there, he was representing Côte-St-Luc pride all over the world, the next, he was gone, as gone as a peace process in Gaza.

G-d willing, he is here to stay and will bring back honor and pride to our team, and excellent latka recipes for us to enjoy.

Put on the tefilin, our payers have been answered. Respect the Sabbath and honor thy parents because glory glory is here.

Throw the pork away, Mazel Tov, we have been saved. our real Messiah is here and he is beautiful. Tear down your fences of hatred, and let the love pour in your hearts, for we have been so alone for so long. But alone we are no longer, because he is back, and his penis was cut when he was 6 days old, and it probably hurt him like hell, but they gave him some wine to knock his senses out and we Jews experience our first hangovers with bleeding dicks, so pray for us.

The Cup is near. Kiss the mezzuzah when you get home. The Cup is near.

Habs Offically Suck. Canucks 4, Suckity-sucks 2


Kovy the Kancer sucked, and needs to be traded - or treated with chemotherapy to ensure his attitude doesn't spread to healthy parts of the "team", whatever they may be. Captain K sucked - yeah I said it. HF10's Boy Higgins sucked. Bit Tits, despite the goal, and Little Tits both sucked (well, except if you're Pierre Houde - go watch HF4's TV in the post below). My Boy Chips sucked, especially on faceoffs - you're a centre now, jackass! Mad Max sucked for not growing out his hair again a la Samson (yes, that's a Bible reference. Darwin most certainly does not suck, though). LaWreck sucked for not kicking someone's ass. HF29's boy DOOM sucked (and if he's injured, he sucked for not sitting). Markov really sucked. Cube and Hamr sucked. Price sucked for ... uh ... not getting any good shots to stop? (OK that's just a "retroactive suck" for the Edmonton and Boston games.) Pleks sucked for getting suspended from playing. Tangy and Guimauve sucked for not getting better already.

So who does that leave? Two rookies (Patches and D'ago), a guy locked in my truck (Breezer - yeah, I said it) and two guys who were healthy scratches when the "team" didn't suck (Greek Lightening and El Dandy). And Jaro - well, don't think I'm going to be pointing any fingers at the goalies when the "team" in front of him have given up like 100 shots in the last 7 periods. (I put "team" in quotes because they're really 18 individual skaters right now.)

We suck. So what do we do? Trade 'em all and fire Carbonneau. Riot in the streets if Gainey doesn't trade for Lecavalier, Boumeester and Terry Sawchuk's ghost. Remember that Ottawa - Ottawa - has won 4 in a row under a new coach and feel shame. Declare 2009 "Most Sucky Centennial Season Ever."

[Forget that San Jose and Boston are both currently sucking, and that there is plenty of time to stop sucking before the playoffs. Perspective? Not at FHF. Panic rulz!]

Tell is what you think sucks in the comments. Personally, I think coming into work on a holiday sucks.

...oh, and this review sucked, too.

Pierre Houde Loves the Pair



In the middle of a horrible road trip, during another excruciatingly painful performance, Pierre Houde reverted to what matters most.

The Morning Skate for Monday, February 16th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of CanCon regulations for the internet, eh?
  • Let us all remember the FHF weekend of supermodels fondly. That streak didn't last. Habs suck, yada yada, fire the coach, yada yada. This team deserves none of our creativity after a 4-2 loss to the Canucks;
  • Pens got the "pre-season East favourites who failed to live up to expectations and may miss the playoffs so we're firing the coach" ball rolling yesterday with the sacking of Michel Therrien;
  • Ovie has a hat trick in a 4-2 win over the Panthers;
  • Beware the Devils, who beat the Sharks 6-5.
Welcome to Day 1 of the Official FHF Carbo Sacking Watch.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Seriously, enjoy these supermodels while you can - Canucks Quickie Game Preview and Open Thread

Let's be honest here, Habs are terrible. They played one period and needed 46 saves from Jaro to beat a mediocre Avs team. I'm pretty sure this "streak" will last one game. So enjoy ladies like Julie Henderson while you can.

The beauty of the current streak (supermodels and quickie previews) is that it's like, zero work for me! 10 PM EST start. Habs have not beaten Vancouver since 2003. Jaro gets rewarded with another start, ruining TFS' B.C. homecoming. Other than that, I have no lineup news yet. Make sure to boo or throw things at the TV when you see Mats. Or cheer. Or drink heavily. Your call.

Let's hear predictions on Habs-Canucks fans split tonight in the comnments. 50-50?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Habs 4, Avs 2 - FHF to post ridiculously hot supermodels until we lose

There's really only one story from last night's win - Jaro made 46 saves. Habs still suck, but we needed a goalie to steal one to stop the bleeding and we got it.

The win was no doubt due to our posting of Bar Refaeli for the open thread. So dammit, we're posting supermodels til we lose. Of all the streaks we've had at FHF, let's hope this one lasts a long time. Mmm, Brooklyn Decker.

And one other note - many lap dances to FHF regular Baroque for giving us a new link for the Interwebs quotes in the sidebar. Canada's National Newspaper has taken notice. Next stop, the Moose Jaw Times Herald.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Please, hot chicks, help us! Avs quickie preview and open thread

Some quick notes - 9 PM on TSN. Chips was recalled and made it to Denver, but I don't think he's playing. Rhino is a healthy scratch. Jaro starts. Don't ask about the lines. Bar Refaeli is the hottest woman in the world (this week), and we hope and pray she can help us. If she can't, really, who can?

Go read HF10's Ten Things to Hate in the next post to psyche you up for the game, and Go Pants. I don't have the faith or the balls to write Go Habs.

Let's hear your fave all-time SI Swimsuit cover model in the comments. For you kids, you should know they used to have these things called "magazines" which were made of paper and had, like, stories and pictures and stuff. And SI put hot women in bikinis on the cover once a year. Now get off my lawn.

Ten Things I Hate About ... the Colorado Avalanche

Hate you and you and you and you and ...

First, we hated the red-headed stepchild of the Original Six. We decided to direct some bile towards our most hated of rivals. We took a look at the evil that lurks in Pennsylvania, and HFF33/Panger reserved a special hate for the city he currently toils in. After the events of this week, we could hate on a million things about this year's version of the Canadiens, but you all seem to cover that nicely in the comments. So where does one put all that hatred? Why, towards our former blood-feud cousins who moved out West and struck it rich, that's who.

10 Things I Hate About the Colorado Avalanche

10. They used to be these guys.

9. Colorado Avalanche sounds like a goddamn MLS name. The Avalanche and Lightning need to go. Now.

8. Pierre Lacroix, the smug, pompous, agent-turned GM who slimed and sleazed his way into a stunning run of success and then slinked away to become Avs president just before the wheels came off. His every press conference made me want to take a shower.

7. Colour scheme? Terrible. Jerseys? Ugly. Logo? Uninspired. Bigfoot print? Pointless. The one time they almost got the jerseys right, they just copied the Rangers ... and then they promptly stopped using them.

6. Paying Darcy Tucker a living wage? Reason enough for a hate list.

5. The Hit and the stupid, overblown rivalry that resulted. You would have thought that Detroit-Colorado was the first and only rivalry in hockey history the way it got discussed. Claude Lemieux was, is, and will always be a prick, former Hab or not.

4. I hate the beating they are going to put on the Habs tonight. This would be higher if the losses weren't so frequent lately. I'm getting kind of numb to them, sort of like the Houle days.

3. The appalling lack of respect for the origins of the franchise. You reissued the retired numbers of Peter Stastny, Michel Goulet, Marc Tardif and JC Tremblay, but the stellar, monumental, 128 game (including playoffs) Avalanche career of Ray Bourque warrants a place in the rafters? What a slap in the face to the Nords, their fans, and to the actual Avalanche legends who should one day rightfully go to the rafters, (Joe Sakic & Peter Forsberg, for instance). [For the record, the Hurricanes have also neglected their heritage in this way; of the relocated WHA teams, only the Coyotes continue to honour the Jets retired numbers. So Carolina sucks too. We'll get to them someday.]

2. Trading for and winning a Cup with Bourque drove me crazy, but what made it worse was the year-long "16W" campaign, making it seem like it would be a Shakespearean tragedy if poor widdle Ray retired Cupless. Listen, no one has a divine right to get their name on the Stanley Cup. Plenty of superstar players went their entire careers without winning a Cup. The whole "win one for Ray" crap was so overblown and nauseating I actually cheered for the fucking Devils in that final. Fucking Lou Lamariello and the Devils, people. Think about that.

1. If you aren't sure what I would hate most about the Colorado Avalanche, you're on the wrong site.

The Game Day Skate for Friday, February 13th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of trying to interview Joaquin Phoenix...
Habs in Colorado tonight for the first time in three years. In honour of the occasion, an old FHF favourite will make its return today. We're sure you'll hate it.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

A Question for Our Readers

Not much to say about last night's game, but I hear a picture is worth a thousand words anyway. The choice is yours, FHF reader: which one is more appropriate after last night's game?



Or



Let's hear how bad the Habs suck in the comments....again.

The Morning Skate Gives Up on Thursday, February 12th

Fuck this fucking team.

On the plus side, I just read through the game thread and was quite amused. Well done kids - you're all much funnier when we're losing.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Flower has the answers - Oilers Game Preview and Open Thread

So the Habs will be playing the Oil tonight at 10 PM EST at Rexall Place. We all know about the Habs' woes, losers of 8 of their last 10. Oilers are fighting for their playoff lives, 10th in the West but just 3 points out of 6th. For a hilarious Oilers read, check out Black Dog Hates Skunks. I don't know who will play, and frankly, does it matter anymore? There are plenty of story lines (Souray!), but most of them involve how much the Habs suck.

Fortunately, yesterday Guy Lafleur spoke to RDS about the Habs', er, difficulties, and he knows what's wrong! He knows how to fix it! Remain calm, all is well! As is our custom, we happily translate Guy's comments for those unfamiliar with the language of Molière Mitsou.

"Le leadership commence au septième étage et descend jusque dans le vestiaire"
This ship is totally rudderless, and we are totally screwed.

"Selon moi, il y a des cliques dans cette équipe-là"
This team is not playing together and they seem to be fragmented. What they really need is a night out at the disco together.

"Si ces joueurs sont incapables de produire et d’aider l'équipe et bien qu'on les change."
Trade Kovy right fucking now.

"On peut les remplacer par ces joueurs dans les mineures qui veulent jouer et qui donneront leur 100% pour gagner le match"
Seriously, Kovy is giving like 15% out there. Back in my day, sure I gave only 15% on some days (mainly when I was hungover), but I had the team to cover for me. That Tremblay prick did whatever I told him.

(re the possibility the Habs will slip out of a playoff spot) "Il ne faut pas y penser!"
I'm freaking out at the thought. Can I bum a smoke?

The Game Day Skate for Wednesday, February 11th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the SI Swimsuit Issue...
  • Florida beats T-dot 5-4, tightens East 4-10 clusterfuck. Are Habs in 10th yet?
  • Sharks beat the B's 5-2 in a clash of actual good hockey teams;
  • Paul Kariya is out for the year after hip surgery. Wait, Paul Kariya still plays in the NHL?
  • Habs go bowling, get drunk and then go get hookers. Hey, whatever works.
The Alberta swing continues with Edmonton tonight. Tomorrow, Fort McMurray.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Thanks Flames Fan for a Memorable Evening - Flames 6, Habs 2



It has been 2 years less 16 days since I moved to Calgary.

What a wonderful city...no curbside recycling...the size of your engine is heavily valued over our children's future...public transportation is a joke, partly because so many people refuse to stand "too close" to their neighbour on the C-Train...snow removal is done by one dude in a F-150...downtown is deader than Elvis after 6pm...everything is at least a 20-minute drive away and you can't even get around without a vehicle...and due to wonderful economic planning, the bottom is about to drop out of the economy while huge infrastructure costs remain since no one is willing to pay any taxes - especially Big Alberta Oil.

So maybe I should take Flames' fans advice and "go back to Montreal" since I'm a Habs fan, although I now make this city my home, sometimes to my chagrin. I'm also apparently "gay" since I like the Habs, as I fund out when the turned "Oley" into "You're Gay" (probably news to Mrs. Panger who was the entire reason I moved here). Wonderfully original heckling Flames Fan - both sophomoric and discriminatory. In thier defense, I suppose it's difficult to be clever when all you do is go on beer runs and yell at the other teams fans while virtually ignoring the ice.

What made this game especially bitter is that the early going was great - the walk down 17th Ave (aka the Red Mile) to the Saddledome with 20 Habs fans singing and cheering while cars and buses honked their support. The atmosphere before the game was electric. Watching warm-up with the 60% Habs fans from the second row, all of us desperate to see our boys in person for the first time in years, was unforgettable. The Habs crowd chanting Go Habs Go while the rest of the crowd countered with Go Fames Go was special. I especially enjoyed talking to the non-asshole Flames fan sitting next to me throughout the game.

Losing I could have lived with - although not happily - just seeing my Canadiens in my city for the first time. Hanging out with fellow Habs Fans in Calgary* (*TM FHF commentator Bryan Driscoll's Facebook group), including the said Mr. Driscoll (thanks again for the ticket buddy!).

Make no mistake: the Flames kicked the Habs ass. Two SH goals. Halak was weak. The Flames seemed the only team feeling an urgency to win. Kovalev was absolutely invisible. Even at the end of the first with MTL up 2-1, the sneaking suspicion that the Habs were in for another "L" was nagging. There is such a thing as losing with class, which too many Flames Fans don't seem to understand or care about.

OK, so I know that every segment of a fan base has it's asshole contingent, but last night's game was ruined not by the Habs play but by the aforementioned assholes. I guess it was my fault for expecting more, but reminded me why I would never cheer for the Flames - straight or gay.

I guess stealing anther city's franchise and winning one Stanley Cup in your entire history gives you the right to belittle the history and tradition of the flagship franchise of the NHL - and a Canadian cousin, no less. Oh yes, I forgot: Quebec isn't really in Canada. (I guess I should have added "no understanding of or familiarity with Canadian history or politics" to the second paragraph).

Well done Flames Fan, well done. Oh, and congratulations on the win.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, February 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being caught doing steroids...
Is the road trip over yet?

Monday, February 09, 2009

Habs On The Road Again, looking for answers, man - Flames Preview and Open Thread

Whoa dude. So I hear the boys are going out West for 6 games. What's up with that 9 PM start man? That's like, 8 hours after 4:20, so I'm totally spaced by then and crashing. How am I supposed to stay awake? Twinkies I guess. Plus, 9 PM is the start time for my Simpsons reruns. Don't fuck up my schedule man.

Habs are totally fucking lame anyway. Losers of 7 grams out of their last 9? No way! And I heard the Flames are sucky too, losers of 4 straight. On the plus side, the Habs players look totally baked out there! Kovy's floating around in la-la land like he totally got into the chronic. And that Jesus kid is staring right through the puck as the puck goes right through him. I want some of that icky!

So me and Woody were hanging out on the bus. He tells me the Habs would totally improve their play with some hemp unis. And help save the environment! That's like, win-win! Unlike the IRS. That's totally lose-lose.

Say hi to FHF cats Panger and Bryan who will be chillin' at the Saddledome tonight. That building's shape is freaky. What's it shaped like anyway?

The Game Day Skate for Monday, February 9

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning a Grammy...
Let the road trip begin! Calgary tonight. To paraphrase Carbo yesterday, it's a good time to get outta dodge.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Grab your Tits, it's the Battle of Belarus

Look, I am sure nothing will come of this Battle of Belarus. Like Tyson-Spinks in 1988, there is just too much hype. But fuck, it was the easiest headline I ever wrote. Tune in to the CBC at 7PM and let the fun begin.

Your preview is Jaro starts and I agree with HFF33, Habs Suck. Panger, on the other hand, is an idiot.

/insert Michael Buffer "let's get ready to rumble!" here

The Sky Is Falling In Buffalo: Sabres 3 - Sucky Habs 2


That pretty much sums up last night's game.

The split personalities of HFF aka Panger review the Sabres/Habs game:

HFF33: I can't believe we lost to the Sabres. The seventh-place Sabres. We're now 7 points from missing the playoffs. We suck. No, wait - THEY suck. The Habs suck. Kovalev and Higgins suck cause they either don't have the right letter or none at all. ZombiePleks sucks because he's been feeding on his coach's brains, and after about 30 seconds he's starving to death. DOOM sucks for handing the Sabres the game-winning goal. Price sucks for that first goal from the blueline that even I would have been embarrassed to let in. Franky sucks because he's a midget (which is much more noticeable when he's playing beside Rhino). Rhino didn't suck actually - which just means he'll be traded to Philly for a bag of pucks in a month. They sucks, and they're gonna lose to the Leafs tonight, while Little Tits is going to be beaten up by Grabovski and we'll all be wearing Leafs jerseys by midnight.

Panger: Miller stood on his head and stole a game. It happens. Take a pill.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Habs need to keep working - Sabres Game Preview and Open Thread

Look, there is no question why the Habs beat the Pens. They worked. They skated. They played together. If this woman can strip and iron at the same time, there is no reason the Habs can't, you know, skate and pass at the same time. It's much less dangerous than ironing while spinning on a pole half naked.

Waiting in line details - 7:30 PM start HSBC arena. Game is on TSN so we can all avoid Benoit. Sabres are coming off a nice 5-0 win over the Leafs, and are a mere 5 points behind the Habs in the standings. Uh-oh. Habs have won the last two against Buffalo.

Pay your cover charge to - Top Shelf... where Mama hides the cookies turns the best goal call into the best blog name.

Hot Habs to watch - Hmm. The reunited Danse à Dix line came back to life a bit in the last game. They may be ready to break out (crosses fingers, sacrifices chicken blood to deity). The Hamr is becoming an offensive force lately.

Skanky Habs to watch - anyone worried about TFS? I'm just asking.

Hot sexy Sabres to watch - Vanek has 13 points over his last 8 games. Tim Connolly has 8 goals over that same span. Ryan Miller has the gaudy line of 2-0-0, 0.00, 1.000 in his last 2 GP. Alrighty then.

Skanky Sabres to watch - unlike Miller, Lalime has a 0-2-0, 3.53, .887 line in his last 2 GP. Let's hope he's the starter.

Line up du jour - BGL is in. El Dandy, while ready, won't play tonight. Breezer did not go to Buffalo (couldn't get out of Panger's trunk in time) so we assume that means Rhino plays.

Post-game adult entertainment - enjoy a gallery of sexy waitresses serving Buffalo wings.

Do you like your Buffalo wings with blue cheese dressing? Discuss. Oh, you can talk hockey too.

The Game Day Skate for Friday, February 6th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of getting dissed by the French...
  • Well give Ottawa credit, they managed to at least take a point off the B's which is something the Habs couldn't do last time. 4-3 (SO).
  • Panthers continue to battle for 8th, beat the Isles 3-2. Watch the highlights - Zednik does this little hurdle thing on the way to a highlight reel goal, it's pretty cool;
  • Ovie gets his 200th career goal (already? fuck he's good) but the Caps lose.
Habs hit beautiful Buffalo tonight. BGL is back, and expect to see El Dandy this weekend too.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

A! Whadaya Doin'?!

Hey Chris, that little "A" on your sweater? Yeah, say bye bye, and if you don't like it?...


Sexy Thursday's gone country to sell hockey tickets


So with an actual game tomorrow, Sexy Friday has been bumped up to Thursday. Or you're just time-traveling à la Lost.

Above is a new commercial for the Nashville Predators. The Preds have enlisted the help of sexy jail bait country singer Taylor Swift to help sell tickets. Not a bad little commercial. I like the whole country - Nashville connection, though frankly Taylor looks like someone's little sister in the spot and not particularly sexy. But she was #57 on Maxim's Hot 100 last year. For a much more Sexy Thursday-worthy Taylor, enjoy this video of her with Def Leppard singing Pour Some Sugar on Me. Thank you Taylor, I believe I would like to do just that.


Lap dance to Forechecker over at On the Forecheck. Sexy Thursday is based on Sexy Friday, which as always is copyright KSK

The Morning Skate for Thursday, February 5th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of an Ashley Judd - Sarah Palin catfight...
Hey look, HF4 wrote a post last night. At least I think it's 4, it's all positive and happy and shit, with alot of "nice this" and nice that". You should scroll down to check it out.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

A Thumb is Removed From an Ass: Habs 4 - Penguins 2


If there's one thing someone could teach a Penguin, it's balance. The penguin demeanor is one of awkward shuffling.  A penguin often looks like a man rushing out of the toilet with his pants down to his ankles as he darts to a nearby room to get some reading material.
 
Shut up, we've all been there.

So if there was anything the Penguins could learn on this night, it was balance. Coach Michel Therrien needed to be reminded of balance early on as he put his two stars together on the top line, leaving the other three void of any potency.

Conversely, coach Carbonneau had balance on his mind, and composed four lines that stood out because of their familiarity. And for the first time in a long time, the team felt like an old shoe. Kovy reunited with Plekanec and Big Andrei. Higgins and Koivu guiding the young Dagostini who exploded onto the scene with them when he was first called up. Pacioretty, Lapierre and Little Sergei makes intuitive sense. A fourth line used sparingly to throw its muscle around.

Balance, stability. It all made sense. And the cows came home. The jitters seemed to evaporate and the players responded to Carbonneau's coming to his senses with poise and determination. They played with a sense of direction. With the weird line combinations taking a night off, the players settled down and they all contributed evenly.

Kovy's line didn't look like a bunch of world beaters but they weren't erratic. And they kept at it, with dividends to celebrate in the third. The two rookies, Max and Dagger, made it look obvious that Carbonneau must keep them in the lineup, for these are NHLers not AHLers. Lapierre's confidence is now soaring and he is now the reliable spark maturing into a creative forward, propelling my man feelings to new heights. And last night, it is said right here that Sergei played his best game of the season, because it's far easier to have two hands on your stick when a thumb belonging to one of those hands is not firmly embedded up your ass. Bravo Sergei for using your dexterity for other purposes.

Nice job showing the coaching staff that Lang and Latendresse may not have to be the focus of gut wrenching nostalgia. Nice effort by Carey although it is written here that his game still needs some work. Nice work by the coaching staff in reuniting old friends. I haven't seen this much balance since the Jenga competition at the World Cup of Nerdiness.