Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Morning Skate for Thursday, April 30th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of becoming extinct...
  • Not much;
  • Don Cherry's worst nightmare comes true as the Hart finalists are Malkin, Ovie, and Datsyuk.
Hawks and 'Nucks get the Round 2 festivities underway tonight. Canada's hopes rest on you, Vancouver.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Ol' Puck Coach still has a few things to get out of his hairy head

Yesterday, La Presse published their interview with the old coach who we all now look back at with fondness. Or hatred. Or a little bit of both. Carbo had a few interesting things to say, which as usual we are happy to translate for all our friends south of the 49th who don't speak the language of Mitsou.

"Est-ce que j'ai regardé les matchs du Canadien en séries? Pas beaucoup...Pour moi, c'est important de m'éloigner un peu, de faire le vide"

Did I watch that piece of crap team in the playoffs? Fuck and no. It was important to put as much distance between myself and you dicks in the media as was humanly possible.

"Oui, j'ai entendu parler des partisans qui criaient mon nom au Centre Bell... C'est réconfortant, c'est plaisant de savoir ça."

Yes, I heard about the Bell Centre fans screaming my name. It's nice and all, but where the fuck were those fans when I was leading the team to glorious losses to the Leafs in February? That was the time to scream my name. Could have maybe saved my job.

"Ça n'a pas fonctionné cette année, mais ce n'est pas à moi de dire ce qui s'est passé"

Yeah, Habs had a pretty shitty year. How am I supposed to know what went wrong? I was only the head coach.

"Est-ce que j'aurais fait quelque chose de différent? Pas quand j'étais là."

Would I have done anything different? Don't be ridiculous. Well, except maybe the losing.

"Mais je ne pense en avoir commis une (erreure) quand j'ai dit publiquement que j'étais à court de réponses. Ça, c'était plus de la frustration, parce que je devais répondre aux mêmes questions des journalistes trois fois par jour."

You dicks in the media and your repetitive idiotic questions are now haunting my dreams, and I was frustrated back then not being able to tell you to fuck off.

(re who was really responsible for his firing) "Je ne veux pas embarquer là-dedans. Je ne sais pas ce qui est arrivé, je vais peut-être chercher à le savoir un jour, mais pas maintenant."

I have no fucking clue what goes on in the minds of hockey executives. Some day, when I become a GM, I'll know.

(re his future plans) "Ce n'est pas moi qui vais choisir où je vais aller, a-t-il conclu. On verra. Mais je pense que j'aimerais être de retour derrière un banc la saison prochaine"

God forbid I get a job offer after the Habs crappy performance this year, I look forward to coaching next year in a place where the fans don't understand hockey. Then I'm sure I'll be successful.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, April 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the first 100 days...
  • Holy crap! Caps complete the comeback from 3-1 down over the Rangers, thanks to a late Sergei Fedorov goal for a 2-1 win. That sound you heard was Gary Bettman orgasming at the Ovie-Sid the Kid Round 2;
  • HOLY FUCK! Canes score two in the last 1:20 of the third to beat the Devils 4-3 and advance to Round 2. Seriously, HOLY FUCK;
  • Canada wins their Double Eye pool thanks to a 7-3 win over Slovakia. Jaro was pulled after letting in 5 goals on 17 shots. Can you blame him? He was really rusty.
Round 2 starts Friday Thursday, if, you know, you still care about hockey.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, April 28th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of swine flu...
Double Game 7's tonight! If the Devils and Canes play a Game 7, does anyone notice? I'm pretty sure I have nothing better to do on a Tuesday than hang out here and / or at MYFO's live blog, so pop in and say hi.

Monday, April 27, 2009

A Roster Spot is Now Open: Ranger Earlobes Now in Play

This guy will take a spot on the Capitals' fourth line to replace suspended Donald Brashear. With the gap in his mouth, it's unlikely the Rangers will bring any further biting charges against Washington. But the deterrent factor will be there. 

Look for the Rangers to play with earmuffs. 

The Morning Skate for Monday, April 27th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning in double OT...
  • Caps force a game seven against the Torts-less, collapsing Rangers;
  • WhalerCanes also force a Game 7. That looks like a hell of a series, to bad no one watched it;
  • Marty St. Louis has a hat trick as Canada takes the all-powerful Hungarians 9-0.
Is it October yet?

Saturday, April 25, 2009

The Weekend Open Thread of Love Makes its Triumphant Return

I just figured out one good thing from the Habs exit. TWOTOL (pronounced twat-all) is back, baby! And it's chock full o' redheads for Panger.

For those of you new around here, TWOTOL is the place for you to talk about anything. Care to discuss Ovie's highlight reeler from last night? Want to dis Torts for benching Avery? Stamkos lighting it up against Belarus? Share a recipe? Are you watching a game? Hockey? Hoops? Baseball? (Go Jays? WTF is up with them?) TWOTOL is the place to share your thoughts. Are you outside on this 25 degree and sunny day in Montreal? No worries, TWOTOL will be here when you get back.

Of course bitching about the Habs is always cool, even if TWOTOL is all about the love. What do you love?

Friday, April 24, 2009

Not Even These Guys in the Fake Suits Could Save Us

For a few minutes, there was hope.

Then those few minutes passed. 


The Morning Skate is looking for the light switch on Friday, April 24th

Hey kidz! How y'all doing on the sunny sexy Friday? TMS here. Thought I'd pop in just to let you know we're alive. No bullet points, but you did miss some stuff while you were tucked into your racing car beds. Marty came up big in a 1-0 Devils win. Flyers staved off elimination. The BJ's (giggidy) are toast. The Sharks are on the brink after a 4-0 shellacking at the hands of the FUCKING EIGHTH SEED (sorry, sorry, still some lingering bitterness).

The big story around here though was the Habs meeting the media. Here's Pat Hickey's take, but the best recap comes from our own LG77 and moeman who did an awesome job in the comments yesterday transcribing everything from the presser as it happened. Many lap dances to both of them. Go check it out if you missed it. And one last View from the Massholes - my forbidden love Raquel has penned an ode to the Habs. Pink jersey alert, but we deserve it.

So now we come to the annual "stick around, FHF is not going anywhere in the off-season" message. We've got the draft in our own building, UFA mania to deal with, and plenty of lame excuses to post hot chicks. As soon as I find where HF4 turned this thing to black, things will be back to normal before you know it.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

GOODBYE MY LOVERS

The FHF declare 2 days of mourning. Team not worthy of full seven days of Shiva.

Post your condolence messages here. Don't cry my angels. 

Can you pass it on to your wife? - classic.

For the love of fucking God please just win ONE FUCKING GAME - Game 4 Preview and Open Thread

Those fake tits should be embarrassed wearing that logo

Alright I'm just gonna get this over with early in the day so I can actually maybe get some work done (yeah right). Let's face it, this series has been a disaster. This 100th Anniversary season has been a fucking disaster. You can go ahead and blame injuries, blame reffing, blame Bob, blame Carey, blame Rollie Melanson, blame Benoit Brunet - look, there's a lot of blame to go around here. I don't give a shit about blame. I give a shit about the Habs, and right now the whole fucking thing is embarrassing.

Here's your preview for tonight - I don't give a fuck. I'm sure the game starts at 7 at the Bell Centre and I'm sure that there will be some players on the ice. Hopefully only 6 at a time. I don't know who they will be, and I don't fucking care. The only thing I want is for them to fucking care. Like they seemed to for the first 30 minutes Monday night. Do that and you can win a fucking game and salvage some pride. Salvaging pride - look what we've become.

Or just lose already so I can get on with my life. That'd be fine too.

Want a win or a quick death? Discuss.

The (possibly last) Game Day Skate for Wednesday, April 22nd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being wiretapped...
Well, well, well, this is it? Who knows. If you haven't yet, be sure to scroll down to read HF4's whacky brilliance from late yesterday. He's mapped out a road for Habs success in this series.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Well Fuck: Bruins 4 - Habs 2

Think this guy could do something? No? Yeah me neither.

This is what I think we could do to salvage the season.

I hear that Milan Lucic has been cooperating with the feds in order to coordinate the European takeover of Slovakia. I also hear that Lucic has been covering up his real accent, and really speaks like Nicolae Ceausescu with a mouthful of peanut butter nestled in his cheeks. I also hear he is returning for the slaying that will be known as Game 4 tomorrow night at the Bell Centre.

So, we get big Georges Laraque, who's overtly anti-Slovak, to dress up in this very gay black latex costume and surprise Milan Lucic in his 46th floor hotel room at the Mariott in downtown Montreal. Laraque breaks the door down and administers a beat down on Lucic's body. He then lifts him with Herculian force and throws him through the window, sending Milan to the death fall of a lifetime.

That takes care of Lucic.

The Bruins are all freaked out by the news and are convinced that a Bruin killer is out to get them.

Now we've got their attention.

We then hire ex-Hab Rory Fitzpatrick (call him Roryshach) to go around breaking Bruins fans fingers in Montreal bars, to enhance the freak-out factor. We give Roryshach a cool rag to hide his face with and let him go apeshit on the Bruins faithful.

Then we get to work. Zdeno Chara. Tall but stupid. We use this to our advantage and get Roryshach to lure Chara to this secret nuclear power plant a few miles out of Candiac. Zdeno thinks Roryshach looks cool, he loves his name and follows him to the power plant. Once inside the facility, Roryshach loosens his Canadiens wrist watch. The two enter this very cool radioactive chamber and Roryshack casually drops his watch. Zdeno, the always acquiescing friendly giant bends over to pick up the watch but as he rises, he finds that Roryshach has vanished and that the heavy metal door securing the chamber has slammed shut.

Zdeno starts to scream arrrrrghhhhhh!!!!! And Roryshach is cracked up watching the scene unfold from the outside. The pressure inside the chamber rises to catastrophic levels and Chara spontaneously combusts. A few hours later a huge Chara summons the power to reverse the disintegration and re-emerges as a bald and blue giant with understated genitals. He is still powerful, but has lost the ability to use the slapshot, rendering him useless and color clashing in a Bruins uniform.

Well done Roryshach.

Blue Zdeno then shows up for the game day skate tomorrow leaving the players in a total state of shock. Patrice Bergeron proceeds to have a concussion. Zdeno is ashamed and teleports himself to Mars where Tim Hunter has been waiting.

Marc Savard escapes to Antartica with his cat Bursitis to retreat and ponder the Bruins' options for Game 4. Lucic plummeted to his death, Chara's blue and on Mars with Tim Hunter, Bergeron's got another concussion and Roryshach is probably looking for him next. He begins to write in his journal "What the Fuck Now?". But Bursitis is hissing loudly. Savard's too late. Rorsyshach has found him and he's not alone, having brought that Korean usher from the Forum with him. She's in this tight red latex Forum usher outfit and she's escorting Roryshach into Savard's lair by the arm. As they enter, Savard knows it's too late. The Korean usher begins to sing the national anthem, as she did in the 80s, and Savard's head explodes. They fly back to Montreal with the taste of sweet victory on their lips, on board the Owl Ship that pilot Alex Kovalev has been flying in.

A few minutes before game time, Claude Julien announces that there will be a few roster changes. The Habs win the next four games and beat the Bruins in 7. Montreal goes on to win the Stanley Cup and nuclear warfare is averted. Roryshach is rewarded by being elected to the 2009-2010 all-star game.

See? No big deal.

Oh Via Rail, you do amuse me (in soul-crushing fashion)

We'll possibly get around to reviewing the game soon. Possibly not. We're kinda depressed here at FHF headquarters. But about an hour ago I received this awesome email from Via Rail, which I thought I'd share:

Dear Mr. HF29,

Don't let your travel plans get in the way of your love for hockey!

If you're planning on travelling between Toronto and Montréal in the coming weeks, just board Train 66 or 67 in VIA 1 class and you'll have exclusive access to the VIA 1 Lounge Car. The Lounge Car’s 42" flat screen HDTV will feature all the action of the Stanley Cup playoffs-so you won't miss out on anything. Cheer on your favourite team while travelling in style!

Book today! May the best team win!

They know me so well. Toronto here I come!

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, April 21st

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of government alien cover-ups...
  • Fork, stick, done, etc. No one really believes we can come back from 3 down, do they? The thing is, Habs played pretty decently in the 3-2 loss. For the first 2 periods anyway. Especially considering that line-up. Well, all that and a nickel will just get you more heartache these days. We don't know what that means either; we're too distraught this morning to be coherent. More later today;
  • Unlike us, Flames managed to at least win one;
  • Capitals too.
Maybe we'll get hit by a bus on the way to work today to make the pain go away.

Monday, April 20, 2009

If we flame out, let's at least do it in style - Bruins Game 3 Preview and Open Thread

I see your calls for Marisa Miller, and raise you four other Victoria's Secret models

"Jesus, I hope they win tonight, if only to salvage some pride. And enough of the cheapshot bullshit; you're the Montreal Canadiens. Act like it."
-HF10, in a morning email

I hope 10 will forgive me for using his email without permission, but it so perfectly summed up my feelings going into this game tonight. The Montreal Canadiens are not playing like the Montreal Canadiens. Have some fucking pride. Skate. Work. Follow Métro's example. Play hard, play fair. DON'T FUCKING TAKE STUPID PENALTIES. Well, unless you want to jab your stick in Chara's neck. Then feel free. Some very very quick bullets to set the table:
  • 7 PM start at the Phone Booth. Over / under on the sound of the first booing from Habs fans? I've got 7:24;
  • I think by now you should know all the B's blogs to read;
  • Habs have come back from a 2-0 series deficit five times in their history, most notably in 2004 against the Bruins;
  • Bob was totally silent after the morning skate today on his line-up. No mention of goalies, Tits, Daggers, or anything. Maybe hiding the surprise return of Lang?
  • Post-game adult entertainment has been suspended pending the Fucking Habs ability to show they can actually win a hockey game.
You've got 7 hours left to get drunk before the game kids. Make 'em count.

The Game Day Skate for Monday, April 20th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of getting on a plane to Jamaica...
Inside View of the Massholes
  • The Big Bad Bruins are honest about thinking Lucic crossed the line. In case you hadn't noticed, BBB is run in part by one of the many reasonable B's fans who've been hanging out here, Sheriff25. Between him and CH and my forbidden love for Raquel, my whole B's fans hatred thing is taking a real hit;
  • Stanley Cup of Chowder speculates on who the Bs will call up from Providence to replace Lucic and Hunwick.
Do or die tonight.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Somebody Wake Me When The Playoffs Begin: Bruins 5- Habs 1

Indifference: The Habs, dead. Us: Not giving a shit

Well, what happened last night was exactly what I feared for Game 1. It's worse now to have this occur in Game 2.

Picture this series like what you tell yourself when you go to the dentist: "It'll be over soon".

I hate everything about the Canadiens right now. I hate the way they've been coached. I hate the total lack of giving a shit espoused by the entire second line. Ship the two Kostitsyns out of this city pronto, far, far from our nightclubs and our women. Carey Price is so unstable I want to check him into the Douglas. The young D is scrambling its way into one lapse after the other. The Penalty Kill looks like a geometry class,  a Bruin mission to carve out every single possible hypothenuse in the offensive zone.

I hate how the team can start out strong only to collapse into a numb shell after a single goal against. I hate how soft the Canadiens have become. I hate that the Lapierre line only has thuggery to show for after two games, and that Latendresse has not had a single interesting offensive incursion since this all began.

I HATE GEORGE LARAQUE ON THE FIRST LINE, AND I HATE BOB GAINEY EVEN MORE FOR PUTTING HIM THERE.

Where is Saku Koivu? Quote me folks, we are watching his last days in a Canadiens uniform and as much as it may pain me to say, it's time. For him, for us, for everyone. Bob Gainey? It's time. For him, for us, for everyone. How many rounds has this team won under Gainey? How many moral victories are we to absorb as redeeming realities?

No more. Let this series die as quickly as it began. Two more games of this almost hockey and we're done and can turn our attention towards something that is worth our while, and that may just include watching a mighty Bruins team throw its weight around for a couple more months.

Are we giving up now?

Well that was unpleasant. The only option now is a Jaroslav Allah miracle.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Put up your dukes, bitCHes, things are getting ugly and it's only the Game 2 Preview and Open Thread

That was quite a little ending to Game 1, wasn't it? As HF10 so level-headedly put it yesterday, "neutral corners 'til Saturday, all." Well it's Saturday. Time to come out fighting.

The ending of Game 1 had it all. Well, except an actual fight. DOOM's face wash / eye gouge. Kosto's flying elbow. Kovalev's stick thief (kudos to Stanley Cup of Chowder for tracking down the fan). The whole melee started by Mad Max being Mad Max. And I would love to give you my take on the whole thing, except for one serious problem.

I totally missed it.

As soon as the empty-netter went in, I got up in a huff and went to the bathroom (2 Boréales and 4 Irish Whiskeys; please note the bizarre coincidence between those numbers and the final score). As I walked out of the room, I changed the channel. I was so annoyed at the loss, I couldn't take dealing with any discussion of the game. I think I turned on 30 Rock, but not even Alec Baldwin could make me laugh at that point. I was angry, and my hate of the Bruins was reaching HF10-level proportions. And the Bruins didn't really do anything wrong. I just fucking hate losing to them so much. So please, Fucking Habs, take this one tonight so I can know it's a series. Crush those fucking bitCHes. Here's some bullets to set up the fight for you:
  • 8 PM start in Boston. You hear that, EIGHT PEE EM. An extra hour to drink pre-game!
  • My new thing is to watch RDS during play, then immediately switch to CBC when I hear a whistle to avoid hearing Benoit speak. It's heaven;
  • The Big Bad Bruins brings the homerism, but bring it with teh funneh so I can live with it;
  • The line-up at practice yesterday was the same as the Game 1 lineup;
  • I make the hot Habs as the Métro-Higgy-Tangy line. Fuck those guys were fun to watch;
  • In the so beyond cold he may really actually be dead department, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only ZombiePleks! I like what Bob said yesterday, "he's our only option at centre." Nice vote of confidence there;
  • As a little aside, have you heard the Habs are for sale? Bring on Céline! Well as it turns out, George Gillett doesn't want to sell. He just wants someone to give him cash for minority interests in his three sports teams. Serge Savard, NASCAR owner!
  • In the vaguely good news department, Andrei Markov has been skating;
  • For your fight-based post game adult entertainment, check out Ultimate Surrender (majorly NSFW).
Take your best shots in the comments

Friday, April 17, 2009

Bruins 4, Habs 2: Everyone Go to Your Corners and Come Out Irrational!

I've already read a lot about last night's game, and the consensus seems to be that the Habs can take some sort of moral victory away from their 4-2 ("3-2 with an empty netter!" you might say) loss to the Bruins last night. Price played pretty well, the Canadiens didn't wilt under the B's physical pounding, BGL was a relatively effective foil for Chara, and but for a stupid penalty by Josh Gorges, or a late whistle on the first goal, or terrible reffing, the Habs had the Bruins. "A couple of bounces" you say ... "one more call going our way" ...

Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Fucking bullshit. This series might not go five.

The Sky is Falling: They lost. To the Bruins. Chara was dominating, Kessel was flying, Lucic levelled a dozen people. The Habs spent huge chunks of time scrambling in their own end. Breezer was a fucking abomination, ZombiePleks was/is a fucking disgrace, D'Agostini looks like a career AHLer and Big Tits has lost the plot being stuck with those two millstones. BGL on the first line was a nice change-up that messed with Chara's head ... but Koivu and Kovy essentially played shorthanded on offense. Every time the Bruins looked interested, they nearly ran the Habs out of the building. The first Bruins goal was a gong show, with FOUR Canadiens allowing Krejci and Kessel to pop the puck loose and put it in. Argue whether the whistle was late all you want, but that was a joke. The bottom line from my point of view was this: The Bruins played like crap for long stretches and still won. The Canadiens played as well as they could (save for a couple of bounces) and still lost.

I'll get to the shit at the end of the game in a moment, but believe me, if it wasn't getting it's own paragraph, it would be in this section.

Plan a very short, token Parade: That was a hell of a performance from Price (not properly covering pucks notwithstanding.) He played calm, and looked square to the shooter. He made some very nice stops and gave the Habs a chance to win. If he keeps it up, the Habs won't suffer the humiliating beat down that every expert has predicted. The BGL experiment was an inspired gamble by Bob; it worked to a point. The Metro/Higgins/Tanguay line looked fantastic. The defence held its own under an onslaught of large, angry black and gold wearing fuckers carrying sticks. There are things the Habs can work on. It might just be too late for this year. At the very least, the Bruins know that they can be beaten. That's something positive, I guess.

And now, we come to the ranting, WTF is anyone thinking? portion of our program: Oh hell. Where do I start with this one? The bullshit at the end of last night's game has caused pretty well everyone to voice an opinion, and let's just say there is quite a range of viewpoints. Robert L at Eyes on the Prize has one viewpoint. Stanley Cup of Chowder has a different one. Naturally, Habs-haters worldwide can't resist jumping into the fray . Here's what I think:

I love Robert L's passion for the Habs and think his site is a treasure trove of history, game talk, and general Habs love. But he's off his rocker blaming that scrum on anyone other than Mad Max. I don't see Kessel saying or doing anything to warrant Lapierre's idiotic "message sending", and while I hate his Cro-Magnon guts, I see nothing wrong with Lucic jumping in to defend his team's leading goalscorer. Unless we discover Kessel insulted his Mom and sister, Lapierre acted like a classless shit.

I appreciate most of what Greek Lightning does for the Canadiens, but his brain must have left his body before he tried to throw that elbow at the end of the game. When you've already levelled someone from behind in a nationally televised game this year, you might not want to pull more stupid shit. Now, that being said, I've watched Greek Lightning for two full years in a Habs jersey and those are the only two times I've thought "oh fuck, that wasn't right", so everybody needs to lay off the "he's the scum of the earth" stuff. There's a big difference between Daniel Carcillo or Ryan Hollweg and Greek Lightning.

Ah, DOOM. Was it an eye gouge or a facewash? It looked a lot like DOOM, his arms being held by the ref, was pawing at Hunwick and got him in the eye. Intentional eye gouge? I hope not. But where is this camera angle where Hunwick is being held by anyone? In the video I see DOOM's arms mostly tied up and Hunwick's not. Later, there is a linesman between them, and DOOM definitely fires some punches into Hunwick (and Hunwick looks like he's trying to fire back.) I'm not arguing that he didn't do it, but somebody needs to stop fucking crying that DOOM took on a defenseless child in a streetfight. Fuck me, last week DOOM got mugged from behind by that asshole Lucic while he was tussling with Thornton and his face got shoved to the ground Steve Moore style. No outrage? Of course not. Habs haters are too busy cuing up the time Lucic beat a one-armed Komisarek and claiming he never drops the gloves.

Anyway, it all makes Saturday very interesting, and it gives all of us internet experts one more thing to bitch about. Classless Habs fans? Thug Bruins fans? No dog in this fight Leafs fans? Neutral corners 'til Saturday, all. (Hey, at least there won't be any ratings arguments about which team is getting the national broadcast, right?)

The Morning Skate for Friday, April 17th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being a founder of the Pirate Bay...
  • FUCK. We guess you could look at the Habs loss two ways. On the one hand, they played well, Bob had some sort of game plan (albeit a whacky one), we showed we can make this a series, it was a great playoff game. On the other hand, FUCK. I'm going with the latter. More later today;
  • Blackhawks beat the Flames in OT;
  • BJ's aren't reaady for prime time yet, lose their Playoff premiere to the Wings;
  • Ducks prove an 8 can beat a 1;
  • Doug Risebrough is out as Prez/GM of the Wild,
Inside View of the Massholes
  • Stanley Cup of Chowder has his Game 1 review up already, it's just a nice fact-based approach;
  • You may have noticed a "Raquel" hanging out here. She really brought teh funneh in her Habs-B's preview over at mass hysteria. Raquel used to be famously known around the interwebs as futuremrsrickankiel. Not sure why she changed it (HGH?), but if only we could date within the division, she could be futremrshf29.
We would say Happy Sexy Friday everyone, but we're too fucking annoyed.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Enough of this talking bullshit, let's play hockey. Habs-Broons Game 1 Open Thread

Put a hit of meth in her cleavage and this is my ultimate fantasy

Seriously, enough fucking bullshit analysis. You've read everything we've written over the last 4 days, there is nothing left to preview. You know the game is at 7 PM on RDS and CBC, you know the history, you know the best Bruins blogs, you don't care who is hot and not because it's a new season anyway. Maybe you care about the lineup, but you already know that it's the same as the last few weeks, with BGL on the fourth line and Dandy on D. You know who's injured. You know there can be no post-game adult entertainment, because if the Fucking Habs win you'll have too much adrenaline to focus, and if we lose you'll be to depressed to get it up.

Go hockey, go pants. Go you Fucking Habs.

When I say "enough of this talking bullshit", that was not directed at you guys. Just so we're clear.

Ten More Things I Hate About ... The Boston Bruins

Photo courtesy of fellow Bruin hater and valued commenter LG77

It's the playoffs, and it's Habs vs Bruins. While we reserve a special place in our hate-filled little hearts for the B's all through the year, the springtime is when we ratchet the hate to new, bile-filled levels. And even though we did this last year, there's plenty more to hate about our black and gold suited bastard Original Six foes. Thank God for Vermont, otherwise the Massholes would be right across the border.

Ten More Things I Hate About The Boston Bruins

10. Donald. S. Cherry. Sinden and the Bruins gave this xenophobic, loud mouth ignoramus his first shot at the big time, and ever since he blew the too-many-men-on-the-ice game he's been an annoying dick. Thanks, Boston.

9. Hey, speaking of moronic talking heads on the CBC who used to bleed black and gold, it's Mike Milbury! Look Milbury, we all know you hate the Habs. We all know you held a grudge against Lafleur for so long you refused to name him to the All-Star team until the NHL stepped in and made you. We just don't need to hear you rip the Habs every time you open your mouth, especially when they AREN'T EVEN FUCKING PLAYING.

8. Last time we hated on the Bruins, someone mentioned I missed hating one Ken "The Rat" Linesman. Consider that snivelling, dirty little fucker duly noted and hated on. Bonus hate points for the fact that Linesman was a Bruin, Leaf and a Flyer. You can't get much more hated than that around here.

7. Stan Jonathan. Butch Bouchard. Fuck. Every time the Bruins and Habs get into it, some idiot Bruins fan brings up the night Jonathan demolished Bouchard. I assume it's because it was the only thing the Bruins won vs the Habs in 45 years.

6. The Richard Riot happened after a brawl with the Bruins went off the rails. Coincidence? I like to think not. Rocket should have found Hal Laycoe in the parking lot and eaten his heart.

5. We're at number 5 and we still haven't mentioned this. Good God. The mustard yellow. The jagged edge. The lame fonts. The severed Yogi Bear head. You're a goddamn original six team, for the love of Guy. Have some dignity.

4. This whole Michael Ryder was disrespected crap is starting to piss me off. Robert L has the right take on it here. Ryder, his lousy plus minus and his one-dimensional game can bite me at this point.

3. The night the lights went out in the Garden during the Finals ... seriously? A pro sports franchise can't even keep the fucking power going? Oh, wait, the Garden was old, you say? That was the problem, you say? Listen, the lights in Fenway don't just randomly go out and it's older than the Garden was. The fucking Bruins were too damn cheap to renovate, that's the problem. That night made the entire NHL look fucking bush league.

2. Look at the roof of the Bell Centre. 24 Cup banners, 14 numbers retired for 15 players. The Bruins? 5 Cup banners. 10 retired numbers. Banners for President's trophies ... conference championships ... division titles ... the only things missing up there are the banners for the third place finish Esposito had in a hot-dog eating contest in 1969 and Tim Thomas's first runner-up ribbon from a Drew Carey look-a-like competition held in Cleveland in 1997.

1. It's the playoffs, Habs vs Bruins, and I haven't read anyone, anywhere, who thinks Montreal can win. I hate that most of all.

The Game Day Skate says OH YEAH WE'RE FINALLY DROPPING THE MOTHERFUCKING PUCK BITCHES

How about a random shot of tits in the morning? That get you fired up?

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of divorcing Mel Gibson...
A whole other set of bullets and links
Inside view of the Massholes has been blended in this morning with a bunch of other stuff. Deal with it.
  • If you only check FHF at work (what's wrong with you?), be sure to scroll down to HF4's forwards preview written during yesterday's dinner hour;
  • Red Fisher thinks we have no chance;
  • The crazy kids at Cycle like the Sedins have put together mini-blogs for each of the Playoff series. I would say that's a lot of work, but they got idiots like us to do the work and write for them. Check out 5 questions with yours truly, and Stanley Cup of Chowder's;
  • CHATHA is pissed that a Boston hotel is giving discounts to Habs fans;
  • Stanley Cup of Chowder presents great moments in Habs diving history. Yeah, you really can't get us angry by calling Mickey Ribs a diver;
  • And finally, to get you fired up, here's Montreal rapper Annakin Slayd doing this year's French version of last year's 25 (Feels like '93). For a rap video it is sorely lacking in skanks and hos, and frankly it feels more like 1997 than 1993, but whatever, I'm a sucker for a Journey sample:

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Forwards That Have Gone Backwards: Another Reason to Pessimize (that's not a real word, is it...)

Chris Higgins, Alexei Kovalev, Saku Koivu, Andrei Kostitsyn, Sergei Kostitsyn, Tomas Plekanec, Georges Laraque.

7 forwards that regressed considerably in comparison with the previous season.

Maxim Lapierre, Guillaume Latendresse, Tom Kostopoulos.

3 forwards that have taken a step in the right direction in 2008-09.

Alex Tanguay: Too injured to rate, but a pleasant addition who has brought a good offensive dimension to the first line.

Robert Lang: See you in round 3, or rather the third hole.

Token rookie: Gregory Stewart, I like you, you're a decent man, and I'm sure you pay your mortgage on time, and you can tell a lot by someone's timely mortgage payments.

Your highest scoring team in 07-08 has taken a considerable step backwards; 7 steps backwards, with 60% of this team's forwards having fallen in terrible slumps at various intervals of this all-important year.

About 3 weeks ago, so we're talking about 70 games in, while glossing over the team's individual stats I came across a figure that truly shocked me. I actually found it so unlikely that I quizzed a bunch of friends who were no where near the vicinity of a correct answer. Question? How many assists to you think Chris Higgins has so far this season. Answer: 9.

I couldn't believe it. 9 assists. Sit on that for a moment.

I don't care about the 20 plus goals brother Andrei has scored all year. They came in bunches that would make the Brady's jealous. His play has been so uninspiring that one has to wonder whether or not he actually attempted to play himself out of Montreal. His brother has been nothing more than an on-ice and off-ice side show, with a few verbal jabs in Mikhail Grabovski's direction to boast about.

You have to admire the Lapierre line's desire. If Maxim has shown desire, what has really caught my attention is Guillaume's blossoming leadership skills. I never saw that coming.

Assume the first line picks up where it left off; you need the Plekanec line to contribute, otherwise it's game over. Assume the Bruins shut down the Koivu line; it's game over. So Zombie guy, guy who hangs around with a pimp guy, guy who hangs around with a pimp guy's brother, rise from the frealing dead boys and do something that turns the light behing the opposing goalie a bright red. Sound good?

You wanna win in the playoffs? Easy. Two scoring lines, a gritty third line that contributes those timely goals and a fourth line that plays an honest and errorless shift.

Because they're playing the Boston Bruins, against forwards that have all taken a step...forward, including Michael Ryder, to add insult to injury.

Savard, Lucic, Krejci, Kessel, Recchi (61 points!). A healthy Patrice Begeron who's shown that he's ready to go.

You want to beat these guys? You skate, you skate like fucking Kristi Yamaguchi and you move the puck forward and quickly.the.fuck.out.of.your.zone. C'est aussi simple que ca (which means, quebecois prefer natural breasts - so that's what you say people when you come across a pretty woman in Montreal).

I don't like the matchup. I don't like the Habs' chances, and I think that for once this decade, logic will prevail and the better team will win as easily as the standings indicate it should. The key is that first period of Game 1, which scares me to shits. I have this feeling that Boston will come out FLYING and pound Montreal into bondage. I'm afraid that sets the tone for the rest of the series. If the Habs can manage to come out of that first period not trailing 3 or 4-0, then I'll breathe easier. If we win Game 1, call it a real series.

And one last time, no mention here of Mathieu Dandeneault because Mathieu Dandenault being a less than average defenceman did not make him a first line forward, Guy Carbonneau, you monumental, ...drumroll....asswipe.

32nd Semi-Annual Habs-Bruins Playoff Preview: Goalies and D-Men

If the Fucking Habs are to have a chance at winning this series, TFS (tm) will have to be this hot.

Defense wins championships, as the cliche goes. Right now I'd settle for a first round series win - and if that's gonna happen, the Fucking Habs had better figure out a way to shut down the Broons second-ranked offense. Seriously. The Boo-ins finished right behind Detroit. So let's see how the goaltending and defense stack up.

Masked Men

The Good

TFS (tm) has played way better down the stretch and seems to have gotten his groove back. Halak is way better than Emmanual F.

The Bad

The Broons goalie duo of Tiny Tim and Manny the A-hole won the Jennings trophy for the team giving up the fewest goals. Tiny Tim will also likely be a Vezina trophy candidate (although Luongo is gonna win).

The Ugly

Montreal, on the other hand, finished 20th, giving up 51 more goals. Yeah, that sucks.

In fact, all the stats favour Boston, so lets forget about those.

The Prediction

Let's go with our gut, which tells us that TFS(tm) is going to play every game of this series like game 7 of last year. Meanwhile, Tiny Tim is going to play like a castoff from a second tier European team.

Just keep in mind that our guts have shit for brains.

Blueliners

The Good

Ummm...I think Bob will manage to find 6 healthy defensemen come Thursday. I think.

As dominate as Chara can be, he's also not the most mobile dude at 6'9, and skill guys like Kovy can make him look like Treebeard coming out of the corners. Although he pretty much always looks that way anyway.

The Bad

It starts and ends with the B's Shaved Gorilla. He'll probably play about 45 minutes a game, including all PPs and PKs. Really the Habs best bet is if he gets hurt again. (I hope BGL is reading this. If you are, Google "Bobby Clarke" and "Valeri Kharlamov".)

I hate to say it, but it's clear Montreal has no one to match Treebeard. Two weeks ago I'd have no problem saying that, as a unit, I'd pick Montreal's group 1 through 6 over the Broons collection of Treebeard and 5 guys no one outside Bahsten has ever head of, except maybe Wideman. But after the fucking Leafs game...well, just another reason to wish that Grabitchski gets gang raped in a Belorussian prison.

The Ugly

Markov is hurt and even if he plays he won't be the impact player he has to be. The Semetic Saviour has been an inspiration playing hurt, but a 39-year-old with a bad wing isn't going to carry a team into the finals. DOOM needs to play like he did last year, not the mediocre play of this season. And he needs to plant Lucic 5 times a game. Hamr's contract is looking like more and more of an albatross. I love Georges, but he's not a difference-maker. And if Breezer is among our leading scorers again...kill me now. Franky B is probably playing for a contract - and Rhino for a career - but neither is likely to have much of an impact, if they play at all.

The Prediction

I fucking hate to say this, but the Shaved Gorilla is the major difference here - unless someone can render him ineffective (read: Gillooly him). Of course, IF: Markov makes a miraculous recovery; Hamr forgets he's old; Gorges morphs into Guy Lapointe; and Breezer spontaneously combusts; THEN, we have a chance.

So what I'm saying is that we have hope.

And not much else.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, April 15th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of forgetting to pay your taxes (USA only)...
Inside View of the Massholes


Big day at FHF. We're going all in with the rating of supermodels, er, Habs-B's preview, with Panger looking at the D and goalies this morning and HF4 looking at the forwards this afternoon. Ooh, actual hockey analysis!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

FHF Rates the Supermodels, er, Previews Habs-Bruins: The Basics

Brooklyn Decker rates an 8 out of 10. She loses 2 points for agreeing to marry Andy Roddick

Welcome one and all to the always highly-anticipated FHF posting of hot chicks, er, playoff hockey analysis! The annual FHF board meeting / group meth binge has finally taken place, and the only thing we could all agree on through our meth-rage was that supermodels are super. So here they are.

Over the next couple of days we'll take a look at the forwards, D, goalies, and maybe some other crap in this epic battle that we've all seen before. We'll top it off on Thursday with our first ever sequel, "Ten More Things We Hate About the Bruins." To set it all up, here are some basic facts that you will not know if you have been hiding out at Chez Parée for the last 30 years, Actually, given the number of hockey players who go to Chez Parée, being in there for 30 years you probably know more about hockey than us:
  • This Adams Division semi-final Eastern Conference quarter-final is a best of seven series in a 2-2-1-1-1 format (I told you these facts are basic). Who remembers the best of three series that existed in the 70's?
  • A Habs-Bruins playoff series has happened thirty-one times already. 31! That's fucking INSANE. Habs have won 24 of the 31 including last year's, meaning... absolutely fuck all;
  • Habs only managed one measly shootout win against the B's this year;
  • Bruins ended up with 23 more points and 12 more wins than the Habs;
  • With that said, DOOM had this to say about the series: "It doesn't really matter what's gone on in the season. What people care about is how you finish and what you do in the playoffs. We've accomplished our goal (of) extending our season and now that we're here, anything can happen. It's all about the now, not what's gone on in the past." Amen, brother. And we'll just ignore that "how you finish" part;
  • Here's the series in a nutshell, courtesy Robert over at EOTP.
As HF10 said, it is so on, you black and gold wearing fuckers.

Seriously,

We weren't kidding. The Habs and their fans are coming to your town, and you cuddly, overrated, soon-to-be-exposed teddy bears are in for a right good ass-whupping, pundits be damned. Your black and gold wearing asses are getting fucking kicked all up and down the Causeway come Thursday, and not even your sainted Red Sox or Celtics will ease the pain. Book it, fuckers.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, April 14th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Phil Spector. Da doo ron ron ron, baby...
  • HIO's report from practice yesterday has the standard lineup from the last couple of weeks, but with BGL on the 4th line and we guess El Dandy on D;
  • The Gazette's story on BGL being in the lineup needs a new headline writer;
  • Avs dump their GM.
Inside View of the Massholes
We're gonna use this space for a second set of bullets, keeping track of what our friends in the Broons blogosphere have to say. You know, if they could speak in complete sentences.
2 days, 13 hours til puck drop. I'm tired of waiting already.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Dear Bruins,

This is you, 4 to 7 games from now. It is so on, you black and gold wearing fuckers.


The Morning Skate for Monday, April 13th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being an unlikely Masters champion...
  • Flyers lose, and lose home ice advantage in the Battle of PA;
  • Blues win, make it all the way the 6th in the West, will play the Canucks;
  • Blackhawks beat the Red Wings, sweeping an end of season home and home;
  • And the regular season endeth. And the Lord sayeth let thine playoff beard grow, or thine golf clubs be cleaned;
  • Lap dance to FHF regular Boob Gainey for the Jack Todd link from today. We would say something is up Jack's ass, but that seems to be his standard these days;
  • Here's your full Playoff schedule. Thursday at 7 PM, that's all you need to know. Also you gotta love that old school 8 PM Saturday night start time.
You mean we have to wait four days? Man we better find some lame excuses to post hot chicks or it will get boring around here. Oh and I guess we'll have some kind of playoff preview, as soon as we have our annual board meeting and group meth binge at FHF headquarters to plan it all out.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Let the hype begin

So let's just pretend last night never happened. Except TFS, who was really into it.

The Battle of Pennsylvania. Rangers-Caps: NBC's and Versus' wet dream. Canes-Devils: wake me when it's over.

And Habs-Bruins. It really isn't the Playoffs without that matchup, is it?

Saturday, April 11, 2009

We Still Loath the Broons, but Tonight's About the Penguins: Game Preview and Open Thread


After seeing this picture, Panger bought a Tuxedo and booked a flight to Antarctica.

Last game of the season? Wow, has it been 90 games (including 9 exhibition) already? It seems like just yesterday the Fucking Habs were getting pasted 8-3 by Boston in Halifax. It was September 22 you say? Wow. No more time t0 look back - although I'm sure that will happen soon enough - as the Fucking Habs must win today to avoid playing the Broons in the first round. Is facing the Ovie-led Caps any better? I say yes, because frankly I'm just sick of playing Boston, and if we lose to them (I have a sneaking suspicion this is not an upset year) I'll have to join HF10 in ritual hari-kari. Yes, we're both samurai.

Anywho, me likie the bullet points as much as HF29, so let's set up this regular season finale, FHF style:
  • 7:00pm EDT/ 5:00pm MDT, Bell Centre, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, The World.
  • Saturday night means CBC and RDS. Although I'm not sure if the Montreal game will be available anywhere but Quebec as the CBC will probably pimp two non-playoff Southern Ontario-based teams nationwide (I'll let you figure out which), giving Don Cherry one last chance to give the Leafs a verbal blowjob.
  • I'm praying the this is the last regular season game for Homer Brunet. Fucking idiot. Please wake up, Mr. Head-of-RDS-On-Air-Talent, and bring back Yvon.
  • While they are still officially in Fucking Habs territory with three straight losses, it was encouraging to see them outplay Boston in the last half of the game, and not fall for Boston's goonery/bafoonery. Speaking of which, I'm now officially gay for Micheal Komisarek: all is forgiven Doom. Just wanted to share.
  • Oh, and before I forget: fuck that little fucktard Lucic and that Shaved Gorilla, Chara.
  • After looking like they'd be playing golf come April only a couple of months ago, the Pens have a shot (albeit slim) at 4th. They've won 3 in a row and 7 of 10, and they've got something to play for. Terrific!
  • Apparently Bob is panicin...err juggling his lines tonight: Saks plays with the Hands of Stone, BGL and Stewart (do we not have a nickname for this guy yet?), Metro plays with Kovy, Tangy gets a rest and Rhino gets his ass nailed to a press box seat. TFS (tm) starts - not surprising since he loves to play the guy who went higher than him in the 2005 draft.
  • Headline: Penguins Summon Satan. I haven't even read it, but I can tell you that this is a great article, just for the title. Here's praying (pun intended) he signs with the Devils in the offseason. Of course I've said that for the last 10 years.
  • ZombiePleks has now gone 12 straight without seeing red. But he promises he'll turn it on in the playoffs. Peest, Pleks: It's not a switch. It's called going to the net. Look into it. Big Tits has taken up residence in this bullet, too.
  • Gino Malkin has to qualify as the hottest player in the league this season, as he leads Ovie by 4 points with a game left for each. Sid the Kid gets an honourable mention for sticking up for his league-leading teammate by fighting Keith Ballard. Here's the tape. I can only assume this is from a Cats broadcast because there is no way that Ballard "cleaned Crosby's clock". (And yes, broadcasters, when your team's leading scorer gets hammered, you DO have to respond.)
  • After starting out hot playing next to Sid, Bill Guerin has come back to earth like John Glenn: too old to think he'll ever go back up. MA Fleury is cold, too, giving up 4 goals a game the past couple, with a GAA well below .900 (that's bad).
  • For more Pens-friendly fare, follow Rhonda's Penguin Obsession.
  • No strip club tonight kids, it's Holy Saturday. Go pray to your gods.

Two quizzes for the commentators tonight: first, who would you rather play, Boston or Washington, and show your work. Second, let's get Gregory Stewart a nickname, he's earned it.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Habs Avoid Another Passover Heartbreak: x- Montreal 4 - Boston 5 (OT)


Mathieu Schneider got out of bed on Thursday morning, constipated from a full day's intake of Matza. His throbbing shoulder reminded him that the second night of Passover was not the only thing keeping him from suiting up against the Bruins.

"Agh, the Seder...", he thought to himself. "What the hell am I up against?. Koufax refused to pitch on Yom Kippur. Mel Brooks shut down Blazing Saddles for a week on Passover. Marv Albert took a night off from sado masochistic nipple biting on Rosh Hashanah. Can I really play tonight?"
The confused Jew stepped outside and decided to walk and ponder. He walked far, he climbed, higher and higher, to the top of a mountain. And he heard a voice...

GOD:"MATTY"

Schneider: God? Is that you? Is it really you God?

God: No it's Katie Kouric with a hollow voice, of course it's me! Is it really you....pff!

Schneider: God, I'm torn. So's my rotator cuff, but don't tell anyone.

God: You can't keep secrets from me Matty. I know about the shoulder. So's my rotator cuff...pff!

Schneider: I need to play. This is a contract year. I'm 39. Time's running out. Look at Jimmy Connors. He had that last great run at the US Open when he was 38 and then he just disappeared.

GOD: Don't you talk to me about Jimmy Connors Matty! Don't you dare bring that up! How can I ever forget that run. He beat Krickstein in the quarters! That handsome young Jewish boy took him to 5 sets and Connors just took his dream away! Krickstein's mother could never boast about her son after that. You know what that's like for a Jewish mother?!

Schneider: God, I NEED to play tonight and miss the Seder. I'm not Koufax, I'm not Albert. They're both better Jews. I'm, I'm just a hockey player.

God: If you suit up tonight you little pecker, you better obey the following ten, ALL OF THEM, you got that?

Schneider: I got it, promise.

GOD: K, HERE GOES. AND DON'T MESS IT UP LIKE THE LAST GUY I SPOKE TO:

1- THOU SHALL NOT FINISH EIGHTH AND MEET THE BRUINS AGAIN IN THE FIRST ROUND OF THE PLAYOFFS MAKING THIS THE MOST OVERDONE SERIES SINCE GOLDEN GIRLS WENT INTO SYNDICATION;

2- THOU SHALL NOT RELY TOO HEAVILY ON CAREY PRICE TO CARRY THE BURDEN BECAUSE IT IS APPARENT THAT CAREY PRICE IS TO THIS TEAM WHAT REALLY OLD JEWS WERE TO THEIR BRETHREN WHEN CROSSING THE DESERT IN THE EXODUS FROM EGYPT: JUST DEAD WEIGHT;

3- THOU SHALL NOT JUDGE PASQUALE MANGIOLA IN LIGHT OF HIS ALLEGIANCE TO A LESSER FOLLOWING: ST-LEONARD;

4- THOU SHALL NOT TAKE COMMANDING LEADS IN A GAME AND SIT ON THOU'S LAURELS FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE GAME ONLY TO LOSE IN OVERTIME ON A FLUKE PLAY BY RJ FUCKING UMBERGER;

5- THOU SHALL PRAY FOR THE GENTILES AT THE BELL CENTRE WHO CHOSE SIMPLE PLAN'S SONG AS THE GOAL THEME OVER THE...GAJILLION SONGS IN EXISTENCE ON THIS HEAVENLY MOSTLY JEWISH NOBEL PRIZE WINNING EARTH;

6- THOU SHALL ATTEMPT TO CONVERT JAROSLAV HALAK TO JUDAISM BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE AS HE SEEMS TO FILL A HOLE IN THE SUCCESSFUL JEWISH EASTERN EUROPEAN YOUNG AND PREMATURELY BALDING CRUX: THIS MEANS THAT FORCED CIRCUMCISION WOULD BE DEEMED ACCEPTABLE DURING THE COURSE OF ANY HAZING RITUALS IN THE LOCKER ROOM ;

7- THOU SHALL ONLY DRINK KOSHER FOR PASSOVER ENERGY DRINK, GATES-O'JERUSALEM-RAIDS, PALESTINIAN PUNCH FLAVOR;

8- THOU SHALL NOT ASK BOB GAINEY TO DEMONSTRATE ANY EMOTION BEHIND THE BENCH DURING THE PLAYOFFS AS THIS IS AKIN TO ASKING ARIEL SHARON TO GET UP AND GET BACK TO WORK;

9- THOU SHALL NOT PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION TO THE 100TH ANNIVERSARY WHEN WE ALL KNOW THAT IT'S THE 120TH SEASON THAT REALLY MATTERS;

10- THOU SHALL GROW PROPER PLAYOFF BEARDS ALONG WITH MATCHING PLAYOFF HASSIDIC CURLS;

NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

Schneider: Thank you God.

Schneider got to the Garden in time for the morning practice, played for the Habs, scored an important goal, and helped the team clinch a playoff spot. Then his mother called and told him he should have been a doctor.

The Morning Skate allows himself a moment of celebration on this Good Friday

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of breaking par at Augusta...
  • FUCK YEAH! PLAYOFFS MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
  • Okay TMS, chill out. That's fucking embarrassing. The Habs are supposed to be in the Playoffs, it's in the good book;
  • In all seriousness, Habs lose 5-4 in OT and clinch a playoff spot. They were led by Dagger's two goals and The Semitic Saviour who should have been at a passover seder like TMS. From all accounts, it was a decent game and made people think we could compete in a series against Boston. You guys broke 300 comments once again, well done. Anyway, more later today;
  • Rangers clinch the other final spot in the East, making Gary Bettman and NBC smile;
  • Caps clinch second in the East, so Habs will get either Boston or Washington depending how Saturday night shakes out;
  • The West is still messy. The Oil is out but 6 through 10 still not set;
  • The next Winter Classic will be at Fenway.
OK TMS is off to the land of the 56k modems for a couple of days. Not to worry though, the land of the 56k modems is outfitted with a 42 inch HD LCD for the Saturday night finale. Roughing it is tough. Enjoy the long weekend everyone, and Happy Easter.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Maybe this bevy of supermodels in bikinis can help us get ONE STUPID LITTLE MEASLY FUCKING POINT - Bruins Game Preview and Open Thread

If they can't help us, who will?

We just don't know what to do anymore. And really, who has any confidence that the Fucking Habs can get a point tonight and clinch a playoff spot?

(...)

That's what I thought. I'm just gonna lay out the basic info here and then get out of the way to let you guys argue over whether Schneider is playing. 7 PM start in Boston. Habs have taken 1 of 5 against the B's this year. Woohoo! B's are on a 7-0-1 run at home. That's a streak dying to be broken! Sensible Bruins blog

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, April 9th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being kidnapped by pirates...
Happy Passover everyone! Be sure to sneak into the other room during your seder tonight to watch the Habs get creamed by the Bruins.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Bunnies! Rangers 3, Habs 1

Habs lost last night. Tired, overmatched and undermanned.

But look, bunnies!

Next up: Bruins. That'll be better.

The Morning Skate is really annoyed for Wednesday, April 8th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being gay and getting married in Vermont...
  • FUCK. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. No seriously, fuck. FUCK! More later today;
  • Panthers did lose however. But still, FUCK.
Fuck.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Marisa is gone, our playoff hopes aren't; New streak starts tonight - Rangers Game Preview and Open Thread

Well, our wonderful streak with a certain hot SI swimsuit model is done, but there is still business to take care of starting in New York ce soir. Business. New York. Wall Street. Wall Street, the movie. 80's greed. 80's hot SI swimsuit models. Elle. Turn back the clock to when Elle ruled the earth, the playoffs were safely clinched with a month to go, and the Rangers trotted out garbage like Mark Pavelich on the first line.

Despite all the sky is falling talk, a win by the Habs tonight clinches a playoff spot at the Rangers expense. A loss in OT and a Panthers loss clinches a playoff spot too. 3 games to get in ... who would have thunk we'd be this close to the edge? As an aside, after all the fun we've had with the Rangers and fuckheads like the Blueshirt Bulletin, dropping those loudmouth, God's-gift-to-mediocrity, ONE CUP IN 70 FUCKING YEARS, smug asshole fans and their overrated team out of the playoffs might be even better than last year's miracle on de la Montagne. Is there any neutral party out there who likes the Rangers? I think one-time commenter and Bruins fan B's fan for life said it best:

"I would hope you said they suck at life, because they do. But I try not to think too much about them, as I have no time to think about a waste of space such as the Rangers."

Jesus, even Bruins fans think they're better than you.

Drop the Rangers out of the playoffs and the whole hockey world will applaud, Habs. No Sean Avery sightings in the playoffs!

On to the points of bullet-like appearance:

  • 7:00 pm from Madison Square Garden, the world's most famous non-hockey related events arena;
  • Habs lost to the Sens to halt momentum, now 5-3-2 in last ten. Rangers 5-4-1 but lost last two;
  • There's Rangers news out there, I'm sure, but the only one we know of is the aforementioned Blueshirt Bulletin ... and it's now basically a placeholder for a pay site called Blueshirt Bulletin +. Times are tough writing about the 6th most popular pro sports franchise in NYC, methinks;
  • Hot Habs list reads much the same as the last week, Kovy/Koivu/Tanguay. Lukewarm Rangers include $300 million man Scott Gomez (9 pt in 12 games.)
  • Uh, Zombiepleks? AK46? Anytime you're ready. After a hot start, Nickolai Zherdev has hit a wall. Deadline acquisition Nik Antropov started well in a Rangers uniform before the inevitable knee injury (PPP and Eyebeleaf just nodded their heads knowingly).
  • Habs debating activating potential new owner Serge Savard to help out on the powerplay. Schneider is either out for the season or raring to go tonight, depending on who you want to believe. Markov is a definite out, unless he's not. No, wait, he is. Maybe. Rangers appear healthy in body, if not in mind. Sean Avery still an ass, though.
  • Word is Price gets the start, if he's over the "flu". King Henrik the Slumping should get the start for the Rangers, unless NY wants to put their playoff lives in the hands of Steve Valiquette.

    Your post-game entertainment is either the delicious tears of the Rangers faithful or more pointless blaming of Brad May and Mikhail Grabovski for ruining our season with clean hits.