Friday, July 31, 2009

Sexy Friday's got soul



Here's some Sexy Friday news and notes in handy bullet point form for y'all:
  • A very special congrats to one of our sexiest regulars, Lawyergirl77, who got married yesterday, breaking the hearts of single hetero male FHF'ers everywhere;
  • It was suggested by regular Tom that we head over to Psycho Lady Hockey (Sexy Friday loves psychotic hockey fan babes) and vote in her poll (on the right side, scroll down a bit) so she chooses the Habs as her new team. My issue is that she lives in Toronto, why is she not a Leafs fan? Then I'm reminded that Toronto is already full of Habs Fans (HF10 included), so why not have another spy behind enemy lines;
  • Speaking of psycho ladies and hockey, lap dance to friend of FHF GoldenGirl11 for providing the excellent Beyoncé photos. Despite her alias, she is no Bea Arthur. Much more of a Rue McClanahan.
Well that wraps another week of crappy summer filler. Tomorrow is August, people! We're getting closer. Finally, you can call this post TWOTOL too, as we're off to the land of the 56k modems pretty soon. Nothing's happening anyway, and it won't kill you to look at Beyoncé all weekend.

Sexy Friday as always copyright KSK

The Morning Skate for Friday, July 31st

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of losing your first game of the season...
We're not sure if Sexy Friday will have the same luster after your perverted suggestions to HF4 yesterday, but enjoy it nonetheless.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Morning Skate for Thursday July 30, 2009 - The Thursday 5 à 7 Bachelor Party Edition


Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of my arraignment in Court following my bachelor party....

  • There's this whole Coyotes getting a RIM job story out there, and personally I find it gross and very degrading to animals, so I won't comment any further.
  • I don't like it when fate fucks with destiny, so after a long illustrious career being a first rate asshole, Schumi you should thank your lucky stars for your continuing heart rate and stay retired.
  • Kyle Wellwood's agent has promised that his client will play in Vancouver next season; in other news of similar importance, the barometric pressure in Bergen, Norway is 100.09 kPa.
Ok now the important stuff. As some of you may know, I am tying the knot next month. As a divorce lawyer, I have compiled enough to-do and not to-do lists to avoid any complications during married life. My bachelor party goes on a Thursday. Some of the boys are taking the day off, some will be joining that night. Why a Thursday? Good friends coming in from out of town deserve to be there and they are all worth the wait.

But will the party be? This is the site of hockey and boob. What better place to poll the world about what we should do on this day? Today, in the comments, I'm giving you the chance to help construct a party that will make the Staals look like Judy Garland. Wait a sec, wasn't she high on heroin or something? You get the gist.

Rules:

- I will not have sexual intercourse with a prostitute
- I will not have sexual intercourse with one of the boys
- I will not be humiliated on stage
- My penis will not be revealed at any point during the festivities
- I will not jump out of an airplane or fall from any place higher than a bar stool (what I call the Herve Villechaize suicide)
- Scenes from the movie the Hangover can be simulated, but I rather not end up with child 2 days before my wedding, that would kind of start the marriage off on the wrong foot.

Let us know what you think and help make it a night to remember...or forget.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, July 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of living in a state where pot and strippers are the answers to your financial woes...
Christopher Higgins brings teh funneh
So the FHF inbox received word from Scott of 12 Angry Mascots that our old pal Chris Higgins would be hitting the comedy stage at Comix Comedy Club in NYC tomorrow night. Our NYC-based readers may want to get drunk and check it out. Here's Chris showing his comedy chops promoting the show. He says "poutine"! Il se souviens!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The return of summer filler: Brushes with Habness - Toe Blake

I was going through the old archives for no reason except to realize how much we used to suck [ed. note: yeah right, "used to"] and came across all sorts of stuff we used to do in the summer to fill time. They have returned. To remind you, or for the noobs, Brushes With Habness is a feature begun two summers ago on FHF, wherein we, the FHF, tell you riveting stories about our brushes with Habs and people in the Habs family. Mmm, that's good filler.

I grew up down the street from Toe Blake. This was during his retirement years, but he lived no more than a 30-second bike ride from my childhood home. I never met him. We were warned not to go to his house at Hallowe'en so as not to disturb him. I used to use his side lawn to sneak on to the golf course behind his house late at night. There was also a park across the street from his house which was named for him after he died. I used to play the classic 3-person baseball game "running bases" there. The park is so small it doesn't even appear on this map.

Thrilling, huh? Come back for more crappy summer filler soon.

Big Wood is, uh, big. And friendly!


As there continues to be no news whatsoever to report beyond the ever-popular "no news to report" story, we present another episode of Morning Skate theatre. Here we have the HMCS Hal Gill behind the scenes of his first visit to the Habs, at what looks to be their practice facility. He plays the role of the friendly giant who's "just like us" well. Look, he drinks coffee! He plays with the kiddies! He struggles to say two words in French!

And he's clearly a full head taller than everyone he meets. He's gonna make a hell of a pylon in front of TFS.

Monday, July 27, 2009

The Morning Skate for Monday, July 27th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of getting into the Hall of Fame...
  • You know if RDS.ca can't even come up with a hockey story for its front page, there is fuck all that you missed.
Look for the new FHF swimming and diving blog "All Wet" coming soon.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Sexy Friday's going all Perez Hilton on your ass

So maybe you recognize the lovely lady above, former Miss Universe contestant Maika Desnoyers. She is, of course, Guillaume Latendresse's girlfriend. Or is she? Let's gossip!

Yes, rumours abound this week that the couple has split up. These are of course just rumours perpetuated by bloggers, mostly based on a bunch of Facebook status messages. Also, a reader over on 25Stanley claims to have seen Gui! Gui! Gui walking down Ste-Cath holding hands with Quebec chanteuse Annie Villeneuve:


She's alright, but she's no Miss Universe contestant. She does win points for having a twin sister, also a chanteuse, Suzie:


Mmm, twins. I admit that his whole thing would be much more fun if there wasn't a child involved - Maika is the mother of Gui's one year-old son. Sexy Friday doesn't like when kids are hurt in the process of so much sexiness.

Finally, for Jen23 and all the other ladies out there, Sexy Friday goes to the locker room to see what all the fuss is about:


Lap dance to friend of FHF Goozo for the tip. Goozo, despite being from the same hometown as the Villeneuve twins, swears he's never had sex with either of them. Given his rep, we find that hard to believe.

Sexy Friday as always copyright KSK

The Morning Skate for Friday, July 24th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of staying unbeaten...
  • Here's some story about Little Tits and an interview he gave to a Belarus newspaper about last season. Doesn't seem to be much new or surprising in there;
  • Brian Burke, Tomas Kaberle, blah blah blah;
  • Puck Daddy looks at the three goalies who will face the most pressure in the league this year - HueT, Turco, and a certain TFS;
  • While we're linking to other blogs, we thought Hex really killed it over at MYFO with his piece on the signing of Martin Biron.
In case you haven't looked to your right yet, the countdown clock is back. Frankly, it's making us more depressed. But as moeman pointed out yesterday, at least it's showing a 69 on this Sexy Friday. Have a good one.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Andrei Markov is the 42nd-best player in the league

I just can't pass up a chance to re-post this picture

Adam Gretz over at NHL Fanhouse has found an excellent summer time-waster by counting down his Top 50 players in the NHL right now. I remember thinking to myself when he started there was no fucking way any Hab would end up on the list. So I was pleasantly surprised to see when I logged on this morning that he had Andrei Markov at #42.

Gretz' inclusion of Markov stems mostly from his being the second highest scoring defenseman in the league last year, as well as him being "more than capable" in his own end, even though he's "prone to the occasional turnover at the wrong time." You got that right buddy.

I enjoy the fact that Markov's ranking is also the Answer to life, the universe, and everything. So, do we think he's the 42nd-best player in the league? Or is he only the 43rd?

TMS thinks it's one of those days...

...when absolutely fuck all is happening. Sure, the Islanders seem to be stocking up on veteran goalies and there's that whole Marian Hossa shoulder business, but overall, yawns-ville. Is it Sexy Friday yet?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

TMS thinks this was all kind of pathetic

So the newest Ottawa Senator was introduced to the media and all of Ottawa yesterday in a ceremony that we thought was a little much for a 36 year-old enigma. All sorts of stuff about him wanting to play with Heater. That would be interesting.

But what we really got from all his interviews and the stories was that he wanted to stay in Montreal. I mean, just look at the pic above, does he look happy to you? He literally looks melancholy to us. Bob offered him enough money to stay, and he wanted to stay. So why isn't he here? Was it his agent's stupidity? No one can make a fucking phone call?

Anyway, this is it. One last goodbye to Kovy. Pathetic.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

More Mediocrity for a Year


The mighty Turtlepleks will be here for another 365 days.

Salary: Too high.
Fashion Statement: Turtleneck's are out for now. Very big in the WKRP in Cincinnati days, then made popular in the world of hockey by Wayne Gretzky to make his skinny neck appear larger. Color me Badd used a colorful variation of the turtleneck in the 90s.
Are turtles cool? Yes. Do you watch Entourage?
Where will he play?: In Montreal, unfortunately.
No, I mean, on what line?: In Montreal, unfortunately.

Back to my retirement.

Welcome goalie who will eat your children while they sleep!

Habs have announced the signing of goalie Curtis Sanford to a one-year, two-way deal. Financial terms of the deal yada yada.

In 19 games with the Canucks last year, Sanford posted a 7-8-0 record with a 2.59 GAA and .906 save%. Hey, that's alright. We'll just ignore the back spasms and groin that put him on IR. And we won't even mention his just-above Panger-esque stature.

With Marc Denis gone, Sanford will either be the number one guy in Hamilton or the backup to TFS after we package Jaro, Pleks, two defencemen and a prospect for a less zombie-like center. Or he's just a little insurance.

The mask comes from his nickname "The Sandman." Unfortunately he doesn't wear it anymore after he had a contest for fans to design his new mask last year. But if you think we're gonna pass up the chance to say "Sandman" so we can post the video below, you're crazy. Wake the fuck up.

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Morning Skate welcomes you to the dog days of summer

If anyone has any hockey news, we'd be happy to hear it.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

The Weekend Open Thread of Love doesn't have much to say...

...because it's got a tongue down its throat! [rimshot]

Fuck there does not seem to be anything hockey related going on right now to talk about. We've officially landed in the post-UFA pre-training camp lull of the hockey off-season. I don't even have a TWOTOL topic starter for you. We always come back to Bob I guess. Robert over at EOTP has an outstanding rundown of all the Gainey moves over his regime. And I mean all of them. My god Robert does a lot of work while I surf for porn. So what's the over / under on Bob getting the axe if the season starts like crap? I'll go with November 28th, when Ovie scores six in an 8-1 Habs loss at the Big Owe.

All other topics are good in TWOTOL as always. I'm up early to watch The Open Championship. Go Tom! Suck it Tiger! The Als have a big clash tomorrow this afternoon. Anyone see a good movie lately? Anyone watch True Blood? Anyone have a good BBQ recipe? TWOTOL loves a good recipe.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Sexy Friday is big down under


In our daily search for "hockey babes" on YouTube, we came across this ad for the Gold Coast Blue Tongues, an Australian hockey team. Yes, they have hockey in Australia. I didn't know that either. Anyway, their marketing department has a bunch of clever mates. I am sure I've seen this around the interwebs before, so sorry if it's old. But it's new to us!

And sorry about the ending. To make up for that, here's Australian supermodel Miranda Kerr.


Sexy Friday as always copyright KSK

TMS Allô Police: Knuckles Nilan Arrested



Chalk this one up to monumental stupidity. We really don't know why former Hab Chris Nilan would feel the need to steal a bathing suit from a store in a mall. Oh wait, we do know, because he told police:

"I just wanted to save a few bucks"

In this economy, can you blame him? But our old enforcer couldn't just accept responsibility and pay a fine or return the suit. He had to mix it up:

Police said Nilan struggled with store security officers who followed him out of the store.

Of course he did. Those security guards were taking cheap shots at the bathing suit in front of the net! But our favourite part of the whole story is this tidbit from the article:

Police said Nilan threw a punch at one of the guards, but missed.

The amount of irony in that statement is blowing our mind on this Sexy Friday. Have a good one.

Lap dance to Deadspin

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Morning Skate takes a closer look at the schedule for Thursday, July 16th

Well as you all know by now, the NHL schedule was released yesterday. Here's the entire season for the Habs. Motherfucker, there's a lot going on there.

First off, we're still not sure about the Olympic Stadium cash grab celebration of hockey. The Caps are scheduled to play here November 28th, but there's no indication (yet) that the game is at the Big Owe. We'll keep an eye on that.

Leafs! Habs! Opening night on HNIC in Tronna. Should be fun. Habs open with five straight on the road, including a West Coast swing? That's fucking bizarre. Look for Panger and the rest of the FHF Calgary crew October 6th. Home opener is October 15th against the Avs. We've got the December 4th game against the B's that's the official 100th anniversary.

We'll see Kovy for the first time in Montreal October 17th and Higgy October 24th. Dou$harek gets mercilessly boooed for the first time October 31st. Saku won't be coming to visit, but we'll go see him March 7th.

The schedule is actually pretty brutal 'cause of the Olympic break, but it will be the same for everyone. 12 times we'll play 3 in 4 nights. Twelve! That's fucking ridiculous. Fifteen back to back nights. But at least the home-away balance is better than last year. The longest road trip is 7 games over Christmas, including the Florida swing. Hang on to your purses, ladies!

Check your watch games include a 5 PM start New Year's Eve in Florida, a January 3rd matinee against the Sabres, and the usual Super Bowl weekend double matinee.

All in all, not too bad for the Habs. Around the league, there's some other interesting stuff like Fenway, Stockholm, and Helsinki, but we don't give a crap about the rest of the league, right?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Gui! Gui! Gui! to frustrate us for at least one more year

RDS is reporting Tenderness has signed one year contract for $803,000.

This is the year he breaks out into the dominating big winger he's supposed to be, right? Right?

/crickets

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, July 15th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of another AL win...
  • Our old friend Greek Lightning is off to the the WhalerCanes. After Saku, this may be the loss that has us most upset. Godspeed Tom;
  • Dale Tallon's inability to use a fax machine costs him his position as Hawks GM. The new GM has a familiar last name, Stan Bowman;
  • In case you missed moeman doing our work in the comments yesterday, here's a rundown on the numbers that will be worn by the new guys.
It's NHL schedule Wednesday! Should be a national holiday.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Morning Skate looks forward to hockey in the giant toilet bowl with penis we call a stadium

How many times can we argue about this? Today we'll do it again! The Globe and Mail reports that Ovie will play the Habs sometime in November at the Big Owe. The NHL schedule is scheduled to be finalized today and released tomorrow. The article adds that the season will open with Habs-Leafs on October 1, and there will be some games in Stockholm and Helsinki too. And B's-Phlyers at Fenway on New Year's Day. I'll believe all this when someone actually makes an announcement.

In other news , what's old is new again as Jacques Lemaire heads back to New Jersey to coach the Devils. He's taking Mario Tremblay with him. Also, if any of you were having dreams / delusions of Tanguay's return to Montreal given his unsigned status, his agent put that to rest.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Welcome excuse to post Swedish supermodels!

6'3", 196 lb, 21-year old Swedish forward Andreas Engqvist has been signed by the Habs to a three year deal after impressing during development camp. Financial terms were not disclosed, yada yada. He spent the last 3 years in the Swedish Elite League with Djurgardens IF.

His compatriot is the leggy Caroline Winberg.

The Morning Skate for Monday, July 13th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of your wife being accused of your murder. RIP Arturro...
Enjoy the baseball all-star break. Now we can talk even less about baseball, if that's possible.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

The Weekend Open Thread of Love is really fucking hungover

Holy crap I'm not as young as I used to be. Happy 35th to the K-man. I need to stop drinking vodka.

ANYWAY, I bring this up because before the boys got totally ripped, there was some real hockey discussion last night. The consensus seemed to be that the Habs haven't improved, and people have lost faith in Bob. Even with, or because of, the Mara and Moen signings. Is that true? Discuss.

TWOTOL is off to the land of the 56k modems after he has some aspirin and maybe a bloody mary. Hair of the dog, kids.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Welcome Depth Defenceman!... and Sexy Friday!

In Bob We Trust just signed someone named Paul Mara. He's 29, 6'4, shoots left, and enjoys long walks in the park.

Start planning the parade.

UPDATE: This post has been Sexy Friday'd by HF29. Meet Alexis Skye, who's also 6'4". She shoots left as well, and enjoys laying her tits on top of the heads of 5'8" forwards.

The Morning Skate for Friday, July 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of putting up 50 points...
It's a beautiful Sexy Friday in Montreal. Enjoy it.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Au revoir, mon capitaine


Lap dance to Sonia who put this in the comments yesterday. It made mom of HF29 cry. Everyone should watch.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Koivu a Duck


Now that just doesn't seem right.

One year, 3.25 M.

Plays with close friend Teemu. Buys house in Orange County. Stars in The O.C reunion episode.

Ed's note (well, HF29 note) - please scroll down to the next excellent post from HF10 for a little more analysis on what Koivu meant to us all.

Kovalev? Goodbye. Koivu? Good luck. Komisarek? Good riddance.

Not shown: traitorous fucking pigdog defensemen.

So it's been a week since the grand free-agent frenzy started, and the Canadiens are a mixed bag of what the fuck that really won't get sorted out until we see if Bob actually had a plan or just threw money at anyone who wasn't part of last year's monumental cock-up of a season. Those types of arguments will last as long as Leaf fans gloat about how Flyers North will beat the Hobbits/midgets/Lollipop Guild/Roloff Family into submission next year (which should be until they realize that at some point, all those thugs will take penalties and pay dearly for it - we hope.) I'm reserving judgement on who the Habs kept, solely because I don't have a fucking clue what will happen. I'm resigned to hoping for the best and expecting something far less. Sort of like the last 15 years.

No, today is the day to talk about the ones who went away, got away, or were shamefully pushed away. Kovalev. Komisarek. Koivu. In that order.

Kovy, the Superstar that Never Was:

And so the era of Kovalev ends fittingly, with all sorts of rumours, mystery, rabid fans defending "L'Artiste", just as many rabid fans wishing he would fuck off, and an anticlimactic finish (the Sens? That's it? Not the Penguins to play with Malkin, not LA to mess up the young kids, not a reunion with Jagr in Russia?)

On any given night, Kovalev was the best player in the rink or the worst. He was dominating and controlling the puck for minutes at a time, or shying away from contact on the boards. He was making a mockery of physics with a wrist shot from an impossible angle or taking a stupid penalty. He is, for a generation of younger Habs fans, the closest thing to a non-goalie superstar they have ever known. To the older generation, he's a modern day Pierre Larouche; talented beyond most mere mortals and never able to put it all together in the package it deserved.

The stories surrounding Kovalev run the gamut from "slacker/cancer/bad influence/only tries when Koivu is out" to "great teammate/amazing work ethic/great mentor for the kids". Given what I saw on the ice and the implosion of the dressing room last year (including Kovy's infamous walk in the snow with Gainey) I lean more towards trouble than terrific. And with Gainey clearly looking to take this team in an entirely different direction on ice and in the room, Kovy's time was clearly up. I will remember the fantastic performance in the playoffs against Boston, the epic comeback against the Rangers, the night he crushed Darcy Tucker, the countless one-timers that sizzled into the top corner, the myriad of tricks, the goal he destroyed Chara and Thomas on. But I'll also remember the bizarre pronouncements, the amount of times I shouted at the tv because it looked like Kovy was taking a shift or a night off, and that I knew I would kill to put his talent into the body of a guy who played full-bore like Steve Begin just to see what would happen.

In the end, I don't have any ill will towards Kovalev. I appreciate that he came to Montreal and then re upped with them when they were struggling badly on ice and off. But I am not about to shed a tear for his departure or curse at him for going.

I will save my bile for ...

Komisarek, the ungrateful turncoat:

(Note to Leaf fans who seem to think this Komisarek hate is irrational: Please review what you said about your former captain when he was contemplating his future about one year ago. That's a pretty big glass house you live in.)

It's not that he went to the Leafs. I hate the Leafs, but I hate the Bruins more. What drives me (and so many other Habs fans) to white-hot-levels of "Komisarek is a Judas" hatred is the perception that Komisarek essentially gave the finger to an organization that:

a) Announced he was priority number one in free agency, over the beloved team captain, the talented Russian fan-favourite, and the French-Canadian scorer the team gave up a first-round pick for just a year earlier;
b) Thought so highly of his input and contributions that they asked him to coach while he was injured this year;
c) From all reports, bent over backwards to help him and his family when his mother passed away; and
d) Made no secret of the fact that they considered him future captain material.

Komisarek received an offer from Bob Gainey that was reported as 5 years, $20 million. He left for the Leafs for 5 years, $22.5 million. According to reports, Komisarek never even gave the Habs the opportunity to match the offer. He bolted. That, more than anything is what hurts. The franchise drafted him, taught him, had plans for him. The fans adored him, defended his questionable tactics when other teams accused him of late hits, not fighting, or cheap shots. We all suffered the guffaws and countless youtube replays of Komisarek getting destroyed by Milan Lucic and stuck by him. The Canadiens and the fans invested in Mike Komisarek, and he didn't invest anything back. That's why we're mad. That's why we turned so quickly. That's why next year, I will cheer every time he gets caught out of position trying to make a big hit, every time he gets thumped by Lucic, every time he takes a stupid penalty. That's why he's getting his ass booed at the Bell Centre for the rest of his life. Like that fucker Grabovski, he looked the Habs franchise in the eye and spit; So fuck him. He could have learned a thing or two from:

Koivu, the man who deserved better:

Lost among the rage over Komisarek's departure and the stupidity of a rally for an enigmatic 25 goal scorer was the shabby treatment doled out to the most important Montreal Canadien of the past decade. Saku Koivu never became the elite scorer his early seasons promised due to a combination of bad luck with injuries, bad linemates, lack of size, whatever. He never lead the Habs to a Cup, which is how legends usually get made in Montreal. He was never fully embraced by a large segment of the fan base, either because he wasn't Francophone, or didn't score highlight reel goals, or because he had the misfortune of being the leader of the most rudderless, Three Stooges-esque collection of Habs teams ever (thank you, Mr. Corey and Mr. Houle and Mr. Tremblay).

The measure of Koivu's worth to the team and city can't ever be quantified in points-per-game or trophies won. His tireless charity work, his ability to come back from knee injuries and cancer and almost losing an eye, his calm and dignified response to the barbs lobbed at him over language by the Guy Bertrands of the world, his willingness to get on with the business of playing hockey without complaining about his contract, or his linemates, or his lack of support from certain fans all speak to the man he was. Koivu was a throwback to an earlier incarnation of Montreal Canadien; The class of Beliveau, the guts of the Richards, the little big man tenaciousness of Joliat. He isn't as fast as he used to be, and he isn't strong enough to continue to battle for 25 minutes a night against the Getzlafs or Malkins of the world anymore. But his time with Tanguay and Kovalev last year and his work with kids like Little Tits and Gui! Gui! Gui! surely show that he had something to offer on the ice to go along with all he brings off it. Obviously none of us know what transpired between Koivu and Gainey over the past year, and we don't know what kind of offers or counteroffers were made. But in my opinion, Koivu deserves better treatment from the franchise he has served so well for so long. If by some miracle he returns, I will welcome him with open arms. If he is indeed done as a Canadien, I will wish him nothing but the best and hope that his next appearance at the Bell Centre results in a deafening ovation. He deserves that. He deserves better than what he's received so far.

TMS Salutes Joe Sakic

After twenty years in the league, Joe Sakic is expected to announce his retirement tomorrow. Here are his stats and awards, but they don't really tell the whole story, do they? And it's a fucking amazing list of what he's done. But he's one of those players who just exudes class and leadership, our two favourite intangibles. And he may turn out to be the last player ever to stay with the same franchise for 20 years.

Enjoy retirement Joe. The 2010 Olympic team will miss you, but you deserve a nice vacation, not to mention every single accolade that's coming your way. And we're sure you'll kick some ass in whatever you do next.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

UFA-Day + 7


I maintain that Megan Fox can attract a quality UFA or two...this is certainly not a lame excuse to post hot chicks.

A week and a half after UFA Day and with the ensuing chaos reeked on the Habs roster, FHF thought it would be fun to provide it's devoted reader(s) with a little breakdown of what next season's roster would look like if the season started tonight - especially given the Habs don't have enought money to spend on any more mpact UFAs. For the next 5 years.

First line: this is based on Bob's statement that they may put some "muscle" on the top line because Scotty & Brian are midgets:

Max Pack-Gomez-Gionta

Which leaves the second scoring line looking like this:

Calamari-TurtlePlek-Big Tits

Thankfully this means Gui! will not be relied upon for scoring and can play next to Mad Max on the third line, with Dagger an upgrade (hopefully) on Greek Lightening in the scoring department. Maybe he'll fight a little more next season like Greek Lightening, too. (I'm going to miss writing "Greek Lightening." Greek Lightening Greek Lightening Greek Lightening. Ok. I'm good.)

Gui!-Mad Max-Dagger

Fourth line has some interesting options:

Stewart probably has a spot to lose, but hopefully Swedish import Mikeal Johansson will show enough skill to merit a spot, either on wing or at centre. Metro could also play here. The only prospect I can think of with a shot is Ryan White, who has Mike Keane-like upside, in Pierre Maguire-speak.

At centre, I hope My Boy CHips finally sews up a roster spot, with Metro or MJ as depth players. Ben Maxwell is in the mix as well. Guys like Brock Trotter (a porn name if I've ever heard one) and Louis Leblanc would have really long shots.

On RW, BGL's groin/back/carousing will limit his games-played, so let's hope Little Tits has a breakout season without Kovy the Kancer (just bitter...and he hasn't even lit up the Hab for a hat trick yet). If not, then I'm hoping Bob keeps one of his 10 UFA's - El Dandy, whose late season play hopefully earned him that 7th defencemen/spare winger contract Bob is looking to hand out.

Stewart/MJ - CHips/Metro - BGL/Little Tits/El Dandy

Defence and goaltending are a little easier:

Markov-2.0

Hamr-Georges

Big Wood- Rhino or Weber or Carle or PK

Unidentified UFA (El Dandy?)

TFS/Halak

So that's the way we see the Habs lineup looking on an early July afternoon. What are your thoughts?

Farewell MJ

The only gloved hand that matters today.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, July 7th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of your girlfriend buying a gun...
  • Habs' (or at least Habs fans') dreams of Francois Beauchemin end in Toronto, where he signs for 3 years at 3.8 mill per. Saw an interview with him on RDS this morning and he said he hoped to play in Montreal, but Bob's offer was not what he wanted in terms of years or numbers;
  • Jacques Martin is happy with the midgets (minus Big Wood) Bob gave him, saying we got younger and faster (again, minus Big Wood). He also said he would consider the "group captain" thing;
  • Jacques gets some help - Perry Pearn as assistant and Pierre Groulx as goalie coach. I think I speak for everyone when I say to Pierre LEAVE CAREY THE FUCK ALONE;
  • Here's a headline that will make your morning: "NHL to investigate Leafs for tampering";
  • Blackhawks have trouble with their fax machine;
  • Canucks sign Andrew Raycroft. Pencil Luongo in for 80 games.
From the department of self-pimping
Montrealers may be familiar with the excellent local blog Midnight Poutine. Yours truly took a spin on their Métro Roulette. Writing without swearing or naked chicks wasn't easy. Someone go comment over there please. It's fucking embarrassing.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Kovy jogs down the 417

Peace right back at ya, Kovy. Alex Kovalev, Ottawa Senator.

May your enigmatic ways frustrate SLC for years to come.

Millio...Uh 200 Man March Won't Bring Kovy Back


200?

I've seen more people protest bans on rottweilers in Westmount.

Kovy, ciao bella.

Minister Farrakhan claims 4 million people marched for Kovy at the Bell Centre yesterday.

The Morning Skate for Monday, July 6th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning your 15th major...
  • Pleks is going to arbitration. "Mr Arbitrator, I would like to present evidence that Mr. Plekanec is, in fact, a zombie";
  • Some people who wasted $300 on an authentic Reebok Kovalev jerseys protested for his return yesterday outside the Bell Centre;
  • There was no such protest for Saku.
Can Kovy just sign somewhere else already so we can end this foolishness? And someone please sign Koivu, it's not fair to a guy that's all class.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Happy Fourth of July American Comrades

Once again on this July 4th we are reminded that there are Habs fans everywhere. From New York to Tennessee to Cali, there are FHF readers. So to you, we wish you a damn fine Independence Day with much fireworks and beer. We'll even go so far as to chant "U-S-A! U-S-A!" But only because you produce so many fine babes, as seen in the American Flag bikini collection over at KSK. And you produce thrilling political drama like Sarah Palin resigning yesterday. My god that was fantastic - the rambling, the grammar, the honking geese in the background. Never change America.

Interesting piece over at La Presse this morning. Mathias Brunet thinks that all the Habs UFA's were overvalued, considering only one of the ten has signed somewhere, and Bob was right not to offer contracts. A La Presse reporter who says Bob knows what he's doing! It's bizarro world. Around the league, Rick Nash re-upped in Columbus for 8 years, and Ryan Smyth was traded to the Kings.

Will there be moves over the U.S. holiday weekend? Who knows. Consider this your weekend open thread of love. We'll check in with a new post when one of those petitions works.

Friday, July 03, 2009

The Morning Skate for Friday, July 3rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a naked Bar Rafaeli video (no seriously, click on it, it's a naked Bar Rafaeli video. Greatest. Sexy Friday. Ever.)...
  • We're starting to think Dany Heatley may have to slink back into the Ottawa dressing room;
  • Hockey Canada unveils its invitees to Team Canada training camp for the Olympics. Notably absent are Spezza, Osgood, and Stamkos. Notably present is Lucic;
  • El Dandy is waiting patiently for a Bob phone call. Actual quote from the article: 'I have my cell on me!"
If you're still trying to decide nicknames for the new guys on this Friday, make sure they're sexy. I hereby name Hal Gill Big Wood.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

The Morning Skate tries to catch his breath for Thursday, July 2

Whew. That was some kind of day yesterday wasn't it? With the Als winning their opener? We kid. Frenzy indeed. Bob spends like a drunken sailor to create the new #1 line of midgets pictured above. While we sat there mouth agape, deciding whether the signing of Hal Gill deserved its own post, Panger was working like a maniac trying to keep up. Well done Panger. Let's try to recap the Habs and ex-Habs from the previous 24 hours:

Welcome: Camalleri, Gomez, Gionta, Gill, Spacek.
Goodbye and thanks for your service: Bégin to B's
Fuck off and die: Komisarek to Leafs
In limbo but we're not optimistic: Kovy, Lang
In limbo but really probably no chance we'll see them: Koivu, Tangy, Scneider, Breezer (please, please)

The rest of the league was pretty busy too, most notably Rangers signing Gaborik's groin to a huge deal, Hossa going to Chicago and Havlat going to the Wild. But the day will always be remembered around these parts for Bob's giant fuck you to everyone who says he never does anything. Happy now?

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Welcome Little Gionta!

Add Brain Gionta to the top line with Gomez and Calamari.

5 years, $25M.

According to Eklund (I know, I know), the Habs have about $7M* left to sign Pleks, Dagger, CHips and Tenderness, for the following roster:

Gionta-Gomez-Calamari
Big Tits-Pleks-Little Tits/Dagger
Patches-Laps-Tenderness
Metro-CHips-Laraque/Stewart

Markov-Gill
Hamr-Jaro 2.0
Georges-O'Byrne/Weber

TFS
Jaro 1.0

Doesn't seem like there is a lot of dough for Kovy or Tanguay or Saks or Lang. Doesn't look like a Cup winning roster, either.

*Editor's note: ok it's still me. I looked again and remembered why I'm not an accountant. It's more like $12M, so plenty of room to sign Kovy at $4.5 and maybe Lang for cheap. So how about this forward lineup:

Gionta-Gomez-Kovy
Big Tits-Lang-Calamari
Patches-Pleks-Dagger/Tenderness
Stewart-Chips/Metro-Laraque

Bob rebuilding the 2005-2006 Devils

Brian Gionta at 5 mill per for 5 years.

As the RDS headline says, Bob is on fire. This is exhausting.

UPDATE: I swear that link said "Bob est en feu" for at least 5 minutes.

Buh-Bye DOOM. We Hate You Already

The Leafs? Really? Wouldn't want to be Komo those Saturday night's the Leafs are playing at the Bell Centre. You think the fans hated Grabs...

At least Brian Burke showed his true idiot colours by overpaying for a guy who couldn't score with a fist full of Euros in a Amsterdam brothel.

Welcome Midget Mike!

OK so maybe I though he was fishy, but now I'm hoping for the best out of Mike "Calamari" Cammalleri ($30M over 5 years). I saw him play in Calgary and I can tell you that he didn't put up all those points just because he was playing with Iginla.

Buy-Buy Tanguay. Oh well, we never figured out a good nickname for Alex T. anyway.

Welcome Giant Defenceman!

Hal Gill, 2 years, $2.25M per. Now TFS (tm) won't be taller than all of his defencemen.

So it's looking like this for next year:

Markov-Gill
Hamr-Jaro 2.0
Weber/Rhino-Georges

Buh-bye Breezer. Rejoice!

Welcome Jaro 2.0!

Jaroslav Spacek, 3 years/$11.5 million. Can't wait for the first "Jaro Twins" post from HF4.

Buh-Bye Komo. We miss you already.

Happy CanadaUFA Day

OK everyone take a deep breath and look at this practically naked babe. Breathe, breathe. It'll be fine. Scott Gomez is a good player, and he's excited to come here.

So Happy Canada Day eh? Fuck I love my country. Canadians don't say that enough. But damn it's good to live here.

And Happy UFA day. No doubt shit will go down today. No doubt we'll be here making stupid comments about it and making lame excuses to post hot chicks. Should be fun. C'mon Bob, we still have faith! JayBo may be gone, but Heater is available. How about a Gomez-Kovy-Heater line? Not bad, eh?

Mmm, these fine Molson products go so well with cereal.