Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year's from God's Waiting Room Panthers Preview and Game Thread

The often dreaded Florida Christmas two-step continues with a visit to the suburbs of Miami to meet old friend Tomas Vokoun and the Panthers. Put down your shuffleboard stick and pay attention, or no Matlock after dinner!

Waiting in line for the $5.00 Surf and Turf Early Bird Special:
It's Florida on New Year's Eve, so naturally it's a 5:00 pm start at the National Car Rental Center. Habs a totally unexpected 5 and 1 on seven game road trip, Panthers losers of last two and in the muck of the 7 to 11 crowd.

Hot as Morty Dershowitz's 22 year old grandaughter who is down for a Christmas visit:
Oh look, it's the Canadiens broken record: Pleks. Squid. Big Tits. Secondary scoring alert! The Giant Mexican Chicken may become our new favourite photoshop. Andrei Markov, who loves ya, baby? Every fucking Habs fan in existence, that's who. For the Panthers, well ... they're kinda the poster children of middling, average, not-too-hot-not-too-cold. But Dominic Moore has two points in his last two, and Keith Ballard hasn't clubbed a teammate over the head for weeks, so that's something. Remember when the Habs made the choice to keep Jose Theodore over Tomas Vokoun? Ever wonder what the last ten years might have looked like if they chose differently? Yeah, me too. Vokoun still facing a ton of shots, still keeping a middling franchise in games, still deserves a chance with a real contender. The Jaro/Price Vokoun/Theo comparisons should scare everyone ... unless TFS plays every game like he did last night.

Colder than Mrs. Berenger in room 243 (CODE BLUE!!):
Panthers leading scorers Stephen Weiss and Nathan Horton are both scoreless in the last few. Old Leaf whipping boy Brian McCabe is also pointless in two. Run up and down the Panthers line-up and there's a lot of arrows pointing down right now. Of course, that means their gonna shell the Habs silly. For the Habs, despite some promising signs from all three, Little Tits hasn't completely broken out of his slump, Mad Max is a press box seat waiting to happen, and seriously, who the fuck does Matt D'Agostini have pictures of? I've fucking had it with that guy.

Broken like Mr. Mendelbaum's hip after he took a spill in the dining room:
Mara looks like he's still out. Hamr still limping but gamely playing on. Jaro might have pulled groin after making luv to meny meny sexy womans after his heroics last week, who knows. Florida without David Booth long-term, Dmitri Kulikov for a few more weeks, with Rosty Olesz and Cory Stillman game time decisions.

The Retirement Home Gossip:
Check out LitterBoxCats, your "Florida Panthers Commentary and Discussion Colossus". You put Colossus in your own blog description, you get mentioned here. Also helps if there are NO OTHER PANTHERS BLOGS ON EARTH.

You post-game Matlock viewing and adult entertainment: Line dancing in the recreation center at 7:00. Bingo at 9:00. Fuck, the Panthers play a slapshot away from South Beach and it's New Year's Eve. Do you really need my help on this?

Happy New Year from FHF to all our lovely readers. Since I'm guessing we aren't getting Habs/Red Army '75 redux tonight, here's hoping the booze is flowing, the champagne at 12:00 is cold, and the person you kiss is hot and available.

Habs Road Trip Turning Magical in Florida - Habs 2, Bolts 1 (OT)

All those who thought the Habs would win 5 of the first 6 on the road trip from hell raise your hand. Liar. No way you thought that. You would have been thrilled with .500 on this thing. Now with one left, there is a chance for 12 points out of 14. That's ridiculous. But the Habs went into the friendly confines of Florida last night and came out with a full value OT win. Well, full value for 40 minutes at least. This was a game in 3 acts, like any good Disney movie.

The First Act where the heroes work hard yet are not necessarily rewarded for their efforts

I do not recall 40 minutes all season where the Habs played that consistently well. What was beautiful was all four lines seemed to be generating pressure, and keeping the puck in the offensive zone. If anything, our top line was the worst of the four. GMC started to show why we could have a true second scoring line, and it paid off with the only goal. I recall the 3rd line working their asses off as usual and generating several scoring chances, and even noticed Dagger for good things not bad. I recall thinking to myself that Mad Max, Little Tits and The Urologist is a lot of fucking offensive talent for a fourth line, and if they could in any way start to use that talent, this could be a scary team. Then I remembered we're talking about Mad Max and Little Tits here, and snapped out of it.

Credit the defence as a group as well in Act One. Hamr's return seemed to solidify everyone. Solid D, good job clearing the puck out of the zone, and generally kept control. If this is our D every night, we should be happy.

Alas, for all our heroes' 28 shots through 2, all the time in the offensive zone, all the chances, all the control of play, it was only 1-0.

The Second Act where the heroes face massive adversity, yet manage to survive the difficult obstacles because you know they are going to pull it out in the end

Well, blech for that 3rd period. Sitting back on the one goal lead, not getting a shot for half the period, just blech. Not blech? One Franchise Saviour. Talk about keeping us in it. No chance at all on the one that went in, he made save after key save. That continued into Act 3.

The Final Act where the heroes are led by the true leaders who rise up to conquer their demons, and win the day

On to OT, where after a game-saver or two from the Saviour Who Has Had Enough of this Talk About Jaro as the Number One Goalie Thank You Very Much, our leaders rise up after being relatively quiet. Squid picks up a loose puck, punches it out to Pleks, Squid skates like a madman to catch up and be the decoy as Pleks blasts the game winner. Cue the raised arms, cue our heroes group hug, and cue the closing credits.

The Inevitable Sequel that may or may not be a disappointment

Habs close out the road trip at 5 PM tonight in Sunshine.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

We're handing out mid-season grades for our Bolts preview and open thread

The second half of the season starts tonight at 7 PM in Tampa. Tampa is alive again and into the 8th seed clusterfuck, TFS gets his first start in forever, and Hamr's back. That preview may be short, because before the second 41 begin, we need to have Danielle Lloyd help us hand out some grades for the first 41. We're only handing out grades to players who have played at least half of the first half games (goalies excepted), so this will be a quicker read than Ms. Lloyd's acting resume. And of course, remember that Panger's hockey opinion is much more valuable than mine.

SuperPleks (A+++) - when was the last time the Habs had a top 10 scorer who had more than a point per game? Exactly. May you lead the Czech Republic to a silver medal.

Squid (A-) - Bob's best off-season move by far. Doesn't get a straight A for his apparent inability to score on the road, but otherwise he's been full value.

Jaro (B+) - a .924 save % and thieving meny game from big fat wale Cari overcomes his agent's dickishness.

The Urologist (B+) - look, we didn't pick him off the scrap heap for his defense, we got him for the PP. Mission accomplished; Habs have the best PP in the league.

Hamr (B+) - was our most important D before he got injured, putting in huge minutes and doing everything asked of him.

Big Tits (B) - remember, we're grading the whole first half here. If it was just the last ten games, he'd be up there with his linemates.

Métro (B) - continues to be a decent 3rd liner with PP time.

Gomez (B-) - look, if he didn't make $8 million per year, you'd be thrilled with him as your 2nd line center.

TFS (B-) - a rough patch or two or three, but still a 2.75 GAA and .912 save %. That's not necessarily Franchise-saving material, but still pretty good.

Mara (B-) - I was (probably rightly) criticized for my undervaluing Mara in the quarter-season review, but I don't think he's played any better since.

MOEmaN (B-) - has he slowed down lately? Maybe? Maybe a C+? What do I know, I'm on vacation (read: drunk at 11 AM).

Gorges (B-) - gets extra credit for being the only D with a perfect attendance record.

[Ed. note: man that's a lot of players with some form of a B. Here's an inside joke for Panger, 10, and LG77 - they must have paid their fees.]

Gill (C+) - not as bad as we thought he'd be. Some nights. Some nights he's worse.

Jaro 2.0 (C+) - he's a healthy body who is a defenseman.

Rhino (C) - the only player with enough games (barely) to qualify for a grade who has zero points. Zero! That's pretty cool. He's not bad or anything, he just seems sort of, I don't know, there.

Mad Max (D) - showed flashes of brilliance in a game or two after Gui! left, but may soon be in even Bertrand Raymond's doghouse for his suckitude.

Dagger (D) - he just sucks.

BGL (F) - beyond sucks. Enough of him already.

Incompletes (played 20 games or less) - Vodkov, Gionta, Poule, Little Tits, Pyatt, White, and a bunch of other Hamilton bus riders.

Incomplete (author stupidity / drunkenness) - PatCHes. I fucking can't decide on a grade after thinking about him for 20 minutes. I have him him everywhere from a B to a D. Help me, commentors. Then go ahead and disagree with my grades. But remember, you'll also be disagreeing with Ms. Lloyd. She may punish you.

The Game Day Skate for Wednesday, December 30th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of coming up with some clever TMS opening like "Good Morning Habs Fan!" (thx for the sub work Panger)...
  • Pens chase Ryan Miller, but this inspires the Sabres somehow who come back from a 3-0 hole to win 4-3;
  • Isles win, refuse to go away from the 8th seed bubble;
  • Taylor Hall finally comes alive at the World Juniors with a hat trick, and Canada continues its prelim round domination with an 8-2 win over Slovakia;
  • I don't know what's worse - the fact that today's noontime Canadian Olympic team announcement is so hyped that's a big live event on all the sports networks, or the fact that we considered calling this TMS an open thread for said announcement. What the hell, consider this your open thread for the announcement.
Montreal to find 10,000 supporters tonight in Tampa.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Everyone Hates Kerry Fraser and Everyone Is Right: Sens 3, Habs 2

Look! GG11 is back, and the FHF has a new nickname for the Habs' new second line of Brian Gionta, Scott Gomez and Benoit Pouliot.

Not living in Montreal anymore, I'm not sure if the city was awakened by torch-bearing mobs bearing pitchforks and burning effigies of Kerry Fraser and Bil McCreary. It seems like everyone - even Ottawa fans - have reason to fucking hate the crappy reffing display last night. (Although check out LDude's insightful commetns in this mornign's TMS in defence of Chris Neil's disallowed goal. Good points, but that call could be made on half the goals scored these days. And this is an admission from a goalie. Lap Dance to LDude anyway, just for quoting from the NHL rule book. Lawyers love that stuff.)

Of course, as Senators Lost Cajones admits, Ottawa still needed their goalie to steal a win. Sound familiar? Well it should - so no bitching about the outcome here. Every W has been unearned on this road trip, and the Habs have 8 of 10 points to show for it.

Mostly I'm in a forgiving mood - not just because my house is finally family free, but also because the return of the Little Giant has had at least two positive effects. First, it gives the Canadiens a legitimate second line and some much needed secondary scoring. Second, it give us an excuse to come up with yet another bizarre line nickname that you,too, can use to condescend to non-FHF reading Habs fans: the Giant Mexican Chicken Line.

Looking forward to your car-industry jokes in the comments. (Think acronyms.)

TMS for Tuesday, December 29th 2009

Good morning Habs fan!

While HF29 nurses his meth hangover and scoures the gossip pages for celebrity boob, err, I mean his glorious return tomorrow am, here's yesterday's recap:

  • Habs lose at their own game as Pascal LeClaire plays Jaro and steals two points that the team in front of him didn't earn. Oh well, you live by the sword, you die by the sword. More on the terrible reffing (on both sides of the puck - calm down SLC) later. Meanwhile, let's hope the troops learned sompin' - like, bury the third fucking goal when you have the chance, motherfuckers.

  • Thankfully, Bruins lose too. Let's hope the Lightning have had thier fill of W's for the remainder of the year.

  • Eric Staal scores a pair and adds 3 assists as the Canes drop the Caps 6-3. Nice try, Eric, but you're not going to make the Olympic team now. Let's hope the Caps can eventually recover from the devastation of losing their captain (his name was Chris Clark, by the way) to Columbus.

  • Flames beat Oilers 4-1 in the latest Battle of Alberta. Let's hope Edmonton fans don't commit mass suicide as a result - mostly because I've got plans to be in Edmonton for New Years and that would be a bummer for me. Well, more of a bummer than spending New Year's in Edmonton.

Over at the WJC, Canada pummels the Swiss 5-0. No swiss cheese jokes here - and not just because goalies always deserve better, so BACK OFF (sorry, a little personal there) - as Swiss 'tender Benjamin Conz stops 94 of 103 shots including the previous game against the USA. (Hmm, maybe the Habs should draft him, he'd feel right at home.) Let's hope the rest of the tourny gives us more than a foregone conclusion - yes, even if it means (shudder) Canada loses a game. Better now than at the Olympics.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Can Halak Steal 5 in a Row? Sens Game Preview and Open Thread


GG11 is still on vacation so we tought we'd give her a break. However, we're too busy watching Canada-Switzerland at the WJC to google image something interesting, so lame excuse to post hot chick/Mike Fisher's main squeeze, Carrie Underwood it is!

Boxing week shopping has evaporated any brains cells the last week's alcohol consumption left behind, so can't think of any interesting theme - here's some smart ass hockey "analysis" (allegedly) instead:

Details: Puck drop at the "insert name of financial giant"Place in Ottawa tonight for game 5 of 7 on this holiday road trip for les Habitants.

Hot: Jaro owns this paragraph. In fact, the NHL named Jaro The Younger first star of the week. Why? Um, he was pretty good last week - outright stealing at least 6 points (maybe 8) for the Habs. If the Canadiens do sneak into the playoffs, keep that in mind. Oh, and Jaro asked us to pass on a message to his teammates:
Jaro seez: play some fucking defence tonight.

Someone had to score, though: SuperPleks is still on a tear, plus Gomez has a goal and three assists in the last 2. We're still going to remind you of how great it is to have Markov back.

For Ottawa, it's probably not a good sign that Anton Volchenkov is their hottest player with 2 points in 2 games. Kovy probably has dual motivation this week: not only playing Montreal, but an Olympic snub, too. Mike Fisher is having a monster season, and can take solace in the fact that if he doesn't need a ticket to Vancouver in February he can spend the week banging his uber-hot future wife on a beach somewhere.

Not:
Mad Max and Dagger seem intent on punching their tickets out of town, but after the second and third periods against the Leafs, they're not alone in this category. Milan Michalec has no points in 3 games and Pascal Leclaire has given up 4-and-a-half goals a game in the pair of games since his return from a broken cheekbone. As with Benoit Brunet back in the day, history says it's just a matter of time until he's back on the IR after he trips and falls through a glass coffee table, or gets his hand stuck in a snowblower, or his dog bites him or something equally bizarre.

Lineup notes:
it's officially a game time decision, but looks like Little Giant and his huge heart is back tonight - and we just heard Gomer splooge again, all the way from Calgary. If he's back, Saggy Tits probably can pick himself up a bag of popcorn cause he'll be in the press box - if not in his agent's office demanding a trade again. Snore. Hamr might go too, meaning The Urologist may take Dagger's place in the lineup. If they both go, only Mara is left in Dr. Mulder's waiting room. Well, until Squid breaks his leg or something equally bizarre fucks over the Habs' playoff chances again.

Ottawa is hurting right now, with Alfie and Spezza on the sideline. Didn't they make up 2/3 of a great line just last season? What ever happened to the left winger on that line? Someone should look into that story. Far too little media coverage about that.

As usual, go checkout SLC:
there are probably other Senators blogs, but we don't care.

Post-game entertainment: The NuDen (NSFW, duh) had Nikki Benz on stage back in November. Sorry we missed that. We'll definitely pay more attention to the schedule from now on.


Comments go here:

Game Day Skate (Holiday Edition) for Monday, December 28 2009

Good morning Habs fan!

While HF29 is in the land of 56k modems, I'll be keeping you company in the mornings for a few days. Don't worry, he'll be back soon. Let's review what happened while you and I were sleeping and/or recovering from a turkey coma:

Last but certainly not least, The Little Giant may be back against Ottawa tonight! FYI, Scott Gomez just splooged reading that sentence. Check back for a real game preview later.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The System Works(?) Habs 3 Leafs 2 (OT)

Apparently the Habs beat the Leafs 3-2 in overtime. I say 'apparently' because I only caught the first period live due to family/holiday obligations (I use the term "obligations" precisely - if you, too, have had more shots over the past several days than the Habs opponents' just to get through meals with family you schlepped across continents to escape, you know what I'm talking about).

You know what? I think I've see this game before, so here is your game summary:

  • Canadiens score early and then hold on for dear life.
  • SuperPleks is a god - or is at least playing like a bona fide first line centre.
  • Gomez is looking much better.
  • Big Tits is on a role; Saggy Tits, not so much.
  • It's good (no, GREAT) to have Markov back.
  • The Energized Bunny has nothing on Jaro.
  • It's fucking sweet to beat the Leafs, no matter how ugly or undeserving.
  • Suck it Dou$charek. Third star, my ass, you pylon.

Besides the gratuitous Leaf bashing, sounds like any one of the past 3 road games.

If the definition of a 'system' in sports is that a team plays the same way every game, the Jacques Martin Era has officially begun in Montreal. JM's version of The System is apparently to get outshot by a ton but deposit more of our shots in the back of their net.

Maybe it's the mix of copious amounts of tryptophan and Captain Morgan's still circulating through my pulmonary system, but I can't figure out if I'm happy or not about this. On one hand, a win is a win. On the other, getting outshot 50-10 every game doesn't sound like a Stanley Cup-winning formula.

I could talk about not letting an inferior opponent back into the game. I could write about taking bad penalties. I could discuss relying too much on your goaltender. There are any number of cynical and/or negative observations I could add about this game.

You know what else? Fuck it. I'm just going to enjoy a win over the stupid fucking Toronna Maple Laffs on HNIC. Go Habs Go. Leafs suck. Plan the Parade along the usual route. Yadda yadda. I'm too worn out and beaten down by the "holidays" to be negative or cynical.

Just don' t think you're off the hook, Canadiens. Because when I do have the energy to care about anything other than when the holidays (and family visits) are over, you're in trouble.

Unless, of course, they keep winning. Then we'll talk about the System working.

Friday, December 25, 2009

It's the waiting in line for fantastic savings early Leafs vs Habs preview

I knew I should have kept that receipt ...

Hello, shoppers! HF10 here, live from the parking lot of Future Shop, waiting in line for the HEE-YOOOGE savings to start. Nothin' says birth of the saviour like 37" plasmas for $499. If your like me, you just got finished seeing everyone else off to bed as the turkey and egg nog worked their triptyphanerific magic, so it's time to evaluate your recent Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa bounty. Get anything good? Got a trip to Old Navy in your future to return some flannel pyjama pants? Somehow end up with Red Wing socks? Tis the season for ...

Waiting in line at the returns desk: Saturday night, the CBC and RDS, 7:00 pm from the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. Bleu, blanc, rouge and blue and white all over. Goodwill towards men fucking ends TODAY, you truculent little bastards.

Hot like an Iphone with 5000 apps: The Super Amazing Story of Wonderpleks, Squid and the Big Tits continues. Mr. Andrei Markov is back and scroing at will. Metro bagged a pair last game after a big drought. The Urologist keeps scoring. Jaro is starting another goalie controversy. Even Scott Gomez escapes my wrath for now with some solid play and a three assist night. For the Leafs, Tomas Kaberle leads them in scoring and has three points in his last three, and don't look now but Mike "Traitorous Douchebag" Komisarek is rounding into hardhitting, make life miserable form.

Cold like the gravy sitting in that pot at the bottom of the dirty dishes: BGL hasn't made a useful contribution since he was a Penguin. Mad Max is more like Max & Ruby at this point. Matt D'Agostini is fucking terrible. For the Leafs, 3 is the magic number: It's the total points scored by Phil Kessel, Matt Stajan, Alexei Ponikarovsky, Nick Hagman and our old friend Grabs in the last six games.

Broken like the $100 toy you gave your shit-disturbing nephew less than 20 effing minutes ago: Habs still missing Gionta, also Mara, possibly Hamr. Leafs Victor Stralberg is questionable, The Monster always seems one cheeseburger from more heart trouble, and here's hoping the massive hole in Toskala's catching hand is still there.

Annoying like your crazy Uncle Milt, but it's the holidays so you've got to talk to them: We get periodic visits from PPP, Chemmy, eyebeleaf and jaredoflondon around here. If you like, you can visit all of them (bring rumballs or fruitcake!) over at Pension Plan Puppets. Be nice, for gawdsakes. It`s the fucking holidays.

Post-game entertainment: Put on the fire-log dvd, grab your third turkey sandwich of the day and your fifth rum-based beverage and relax. You and your family have earned it.


If you got anything good, brag about it in the comments.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Fucking Christmas from TMS

TMS is off to the land of the 56k modems for several days so we just wanted to take the chance to wish you all a Merry Christmas and the most joyous of holiday seasons. The rest of the Scooby Gang will have your back through the Leaves Boxing Day spectacular and whatever is after that. We'll be back early next week some time.

Hey, Habs won last night! .500, bitches! Sure, we rode some shaky first period goaltending from the Canes and let up 40+ shots to the worst team in the league, but whatever. We had tons of chances too, our PP is literally #1, and SuperPleks and Gomez had 3 A each. Merry fucking Christmas everyone!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

It's time to get into the Christmas spirit for this Carolina preview and open thread

Ho ho ho! And ho! Let's stop with the bad sexual entendres and let's get festive everyone! Of course, it's easy to get festive when you've won two in a row! Woohoo! Plus, it's sort of a voluntary day here at my office, so we're drinking Irish coffees this morning. Double Woohooo!!!!

OK, how about a stat that everyone is talking about to get you and me down from this Bushmills-induced 11 AM high? Habs have not won on December 23rd since 1945. 1945! To give you some perspective on how long ago that was, back then I used to buy only a half-gram of meth at a time. My how times have changed! On Dasher with the preview!

Waiting for Santa - 7 PM start in Carolina. In the only other game between the teams this year, Habs needed a shootout in Montreal to win back in November. Canes suck big time, mired in last place in the Eastern conference, and in the whole league for good measure.

Put up a stocking for - Life and Times of a Caniac is just good, honest reporting on the Canes.

Hot like the fireplace you put the stocking up over - I would like to dedicate the Habs portion of this section today to the greatness that is Pleks right now. He's in the top 10 in league scoring. He has as many points as the following NHL stars - Backstrom, Richards, St. Louis. He has more points than the following NHL stars - Marleau, Kovalchuk, Stastny, Iginla, Kane, Zetterberg, Alfredsson, Stamkos, Nash, Malkin, Lecavalier. OPEN THE FUCKING CHECKBOOK BEFORE JUNE BOB. ENOUGH OF THAT STUPID BULLSHIT "DON'T NEGOTIATE DURING THE SEASON" POLICY.

For the Canes, ah, um, uh, looking, um, Sergei Samsonov has 2 goals in his last 2 games.

Cold and dark like the coal Santa left in your stocking because let's face it, you're the naughtiest motherfucker this side of Kim Jong-Il - Little Tits pointless streak up to 10 games. Metro not doing too hot lately either. Is Dagger still on this team or is he in Hamilton? Seriously, I really don't know. For the Canes, Brind'Amour pointless in 10, Jokinnen pointless in 3.

Donner, Blitzen, and Vixen (heh, Vixen) are all out with lower body injuries, putting Santa's perfect record at risk - so Mara and Gio have come back to Montreal. Gio has taken a step back and can't skate for four days. Hamr is out. On the good news front, the Benoit Pouliot era is upon us! He'll play with Gomez and Little Tits. Jaro gets his 3rd straight start. Let's face it, he deserves it.

Post-game holiday adult entertainment - a whole gallery of sexy Santas should keep you warm and entertained while waiting for the real Santa.

Let's hear what you want from Santa in the comments

The Game Day Skate for Wednesday, December 23rd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of 8 hours without Blackberry service...
Plenty of injury updates for the Habs as they prepare for the Canes tonight. We'll sort it all out later.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Take the two points and run. Habs 4, Thrashers 3 (OT)

With apologies to moeman and Steve Miller...

This here's the story 'bout Tommy Pleks and our Jarooo
Two young players, with nothing better to do
Than get outta our house, help the win streak go to two
And here's what happened when they decided to cut loose

They headed down to, ooh, old Atlanta [clap clap clap clap clap]
That's where they ran into some real hot pants-a
Jarooo stop meny men while shooting at his nets-a
Tommy Pleks, got four points, Habs won

Go on, take the two points and run
Go on, take the two points and run, hoo hoo hoo
Go on, take the two points and run
Go on, take the two points and run, Jar-oo-oo

The Urologist, he's played everywhere but Texas [clap clap clap clap clap]
You know he knows just exactly where the nets is
He's playing forward now, his two goals were justice
Jarooo's agent is sending Tweets and faxes

Jarooo, whoa, whoa, he slipped away
Tommy Pleks caught up to him later that day
They got the two points, hey
You know they got away
They headed down south where they play 'Canes on Wednesday

Singin, go on take the two points and run
Go on, take the two points and run, Jar-oo-oo
Go on, take the two points and run, ah-ooo, Pleks
Go on, take the two points and run, Jar-who?-who?
(solo)
yeah, yeah
Go on, take the two points and run, yeah, yeah
Go on, take the two points and run, ah-ooo, Pleks
Go on, take the two points and run, Jarooo-oo-oo
(fade...)

The Morning Skate salutes Martin Brodeur for Tuesday, December 22nd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a whorish-looking Lindsay Lohan topless...
  • Wait, Habs win a second game in a row? That can't be right. [checks boxscore] Ah, 50 shots against, it IS right! Urologist, Jaro, and Pleks combine for a bunch of heroics in a 4-3 (OT) win. More later today;
  • Sometimes we think we don't fully appreciate the greatness that is Marty Brodeur. Finally gets #104 (over the Pens) to take over sole possession of top spot on the all-time shutouts list. Félicitations, Marty;
  • Marty's possible successor Ryan Miller was great in leading the Sabres to a 3-2 (OT) win over the Leaves;
  • Marty's possible successor Tim Thomas (we're stretching here) gets his fourth shutout of the season to lead the Bs over the Sens;
  • Speaking of the Sens, mazel tov to Mike Fisher and Carrie Underwood on their engagement. You crazy kids have a bright future;
  • Just because this is fun to write: Coyotes still on a roll.
  • On the other side of the ledger, Philly continues to lose.
Can we interest you in some video highlights after a win?

Monday, December 21, 2009

Habs escape snow of Long Island, find southern belles in this Atlanta preview and open thread

Look, we said the hot chicks would be back when we won, and voilà! Let's just dive right in, because we have nothing to say about Atlanta as we played there, what, last week?

Waiting in line details - 7 PM start at whatever they call the Atlanta arena. What am I, a tour guide? Atlanta has won 2 of 3 from the Habs so far this year, and all games were one-goal affairs. Habs on a thrilling one-game win streak! Atlanta coming off chasing Marty Brodeur early Saturday night (though they lost the game), and are in a playoff spot sitting in 6th in the East.

Pay your cover charge to - check out Getting Pucks Deep. "If you like crappy pictures, puckbunny comments and dumb jokes...you'll love my blog." We already do.

Hot sexy everyones to watch -Vodkov and Tits. That sounds like it would be an amazing HBO half-hour dramedy. For the Thrash, Kovy has 5 points in his last 3 games, Antropov 3 in 2, and Kubina 5 in 3. Seems like they're getting great goaltending as well, from Johan Hedberg who's 5-2-0, 2.01, .934 in his last 8 games. And let's mention Ron Hainsey, just for the fun of it.

Speaking of hot, what would you say to a random hot chick in the middle of the preview? Would that be something you would be interested in? Merry Christmas.


Cold skanky everyones to watch - for the Habs, Little Tits pointless streak has now reached 9 games. Squid pointless in 3. For the Thrash, their backup Ondrej Pavelec is cold, 1-3-0, 5.20, .872 in his last 4, including that blown lead Saturday night.

Speaking of cold, what would you say to two random hot chicks in the middle of the preview? Would that be something you would be interested in? Happy New Year.


On the main stage - Habs are getting healthy. Man that's fun! Benoit Pouliot has been recalled from Hamilton (lap dance to LG77 for the tip), no word if he's actually in the lineup tonight. Gio skated with teammates this past weekend, but is not quite ready to play. Same for Hamr. Jaro, fresh off his shutout, starts again. His agent drools.

Post-game adult entertainment - enjoy the Georgia Poon of the SEC. Yeah I know UGA is in Athens, not Atlanta. Shut up.

Mmm, comments.

The Game Day Skate for Monday, December 21

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of dying of a heart attack at age 32...
Headline: Habs manage to escape the snow of Long Island, will play Atlanta 2night.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Hallelujah


All manner of wenches celebrated The Return of The Man.

And in the beginning, there was an injury to The Man...

And The Prophets did tell The Fans, "Behold, The Tendon has been Sliced, and it is Holy...in that it has a big hole in it. Let it be written: The Man shalt not return until after the peoples of the world are united by 5 rings under shadow of great mountains."

Lo, and The Fans of the CHosen Team felt low. For their hearts did sink, as The Fans knew that the CHosen Team had only The Turtle and The Squid to turn to for light. And they knew the path would be long without The Man, and feared the return to Dark, non-playoff, Times.

And the CHosen Team, they did lose to the Devils. And they did lose to the Wild. And The Fear of the Collapse did grow in the hearts of The Fans.

But The Man knew that The Prophets knew not of what they spoke. For The Man had a gift, the power to heal. And The Man believed he would recover more quickly and more fully than a mere mortal man could hope. For, truthfully, The Prophets were stoned.

And The Man said quietly, "Tendon, Heal Thyself" - and it was done. And it was all good.

And when The Man returned, he could see that the CHosen Team was drowning as it approached an Island. And The Man, he did say:

"To swim, ye must skate, hit the net and backcheck hard."

And so The Man walk out to the Island over the Water, stretched out his hand and pointed to the net. And then he said: "Shoot here." And it was done, and the Red Light did illuminate.



And lo, The CHosen Team did started to swim. And once again The Man he did point to the net and said: "Let there be Goals." And the Chosen Team did score again. And Again. And with the Return of The Man, the CHosen Team conquered the Island.

And The Fans rejoiced, for it had been many generations since The Fans had reason to cheer. For The Man gave them hope. Hope that one day, The CHosen Team would once again lift the Holy CHalice and drink from the Good Cup.

But The Fans, The Fans they did not hold their breathe, for they continued to Fear the Collapse.

If you'd like to join me in h-e-double hockey sticks in the afterlife (although I'm guessing god probably has a sense of humour), join me in celebrating the Return of The Man in the comments.

Desperate times call for desperate measures - Isles preview and open thread

Let's face it, Habs need a fucking win. I'm not greedy. Just one for now. That would be lovely, thank you. On the heels of Sexy Friday's cancellation, we figured we'd continue our no hot chicks policy until a win. Desperate times.

So the game gets underway at 7 PM in Long Island. This is game #1 of a the annual Christmas road voyage from hell, the time of year when the Habs usually suck up the joint so that the whole family can enjoy some quality entertainment at the Bell Centre. This year, it's Cirque de Soleil. Fuck you, Cirque de Soleil. Although, now that I think about it, Habs are already sucking up the joint, so maybe the trend is reversed this year. Hope, hope (delusion, delusion). Habs have won two games against the Isles this year, both in the 514. Isles are just as bad as the Habs right now, so maybe there's hope (delusion). We would like to date the 7th Woman.

Big Tits is on fire. Fire, I tell you! I don't know what it is, but I like it. He's making up for his little brother who is pointless in 8. Props to the Urologist who might end up as a forward tonight, but he's held the fort on the PP. No props to the 8 million dollar black hole of suck. Though in his defense, he's playing with no one. And he does seem to be working. Just not contributing. If that makes any sense.

On the Isles side of the ledger, not too many on the hot side. The cold side, however, is loaded. Okposo and Tavares pointless in their last 3, our old buddy the Swiss Mister is slowing down, and they have no goaltending.

OK, on to the reason any of you have any interest in this game whatsoever. You didn't think I was going to lead with that did you? I had to get you to read all the way down here. And now look at you. Steam coming out of your ears as you frustratingly scream at your computer monitor WHEN THE FUCK IS HE GOING TO TALK ABOUT MARKOV ALREADY??? Well, shut your trap, here you go. While we are all thrilled he returns tonight, let's not go treating him like the Franchise Saviour. First, we already have one of those. Second, the guy hasn't played in two months. He's going to be rusty, and he's not playing 30+ minutes in his first game back. Third, a hockey team is 20 guys, not one. With all that said, FUCK YEAH VODKOV IS BACK!!! WOOHOOO!!! PLAN THE PARADE, BITCHES!!!111!!11!!

In other injury news, no word on Hamr though he's with the team on the trip. Gionta is also with the team, and spent 45 minutes skating yesterday by himself. It's a start. Gomez was spotted praying for his return. Jaro is getting the start.

No post-game adult entertainment listings until we win. You'll have to do penance instead. Try following l'Antichambre on Twitter. That's painful enough.

Vodka shots for everyone in the comments.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Morning Skate for Friday, December 18th

Bullet points for what you missed whiled dreaming of a topless Rihanna...
  • Well, we can think of at least 3 good things about the Habs' 3-1 loss to the Wild. 1. Habs got of the schneid and had 30 shots. 2. Gui! didn't score. 3. We were out getting tanked at our office Christmas party and missed the whole thing;
  • Unlike the Habs, the Rangers ended their losing streak;
  • Pens win another battle of PA;
  • Jimmy Howard (who?) gets his first career shutout for the Wings;, but Wings fans are more worried about Zetterberg getting injured from a huge hit;
  • Thrash win a wild one over the Stars.
Sexy Friday has been canceled until the Habs win a fucking game.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Return of the Beautiful People: Wild Preview and Open Thread


Somewhere Bertrand Raymond is, indeed, screaming.

Apparently we're already hitting the panic button here at FHF it seems, so I guess I'll do my part to ratchet up the fearmongering:
  • 4 losses in a row and no signs of improvement - especially in the discipline department;
  • Up against a team that has won 8 of 10 - mostly on the road. Apparently, Marian Gaborik and all his points can take MSG and his ridiculous contract and shove them up his ass;
  • Our two best defencemen are now sidelined (Markov and Hamr) - and the blueline wasn't that good to begin with;
  • Our biggest offseason splash, Scott Gomez, officially sucks donkey balls, getting booed every time he touched the puck down in the swamp - for no good reason!! (They should be cheering that someone else has to pay this guy);
  • Stupid, stupid penalties galore and another last minute loss;
  • Our franchise tender can't stop a knuckleball so high and outside that even Vladimir Guerrero wouldn't swing at it;
  • Meanwhile, our backup goalie - and current most beautiful player - wants out. He's likely not the only one;
  • Last home game of the year for MTL; and
  • Did I mention all the stupid penalties yet? Yes? Okay, just making sure.
And to top it all of, tonight marks the beginning of the Second John LeClair era. Maybe letting Higgins, Kovy, Tanguay, Bouillon and Greek Lightning go didn't burn us too badly, but just you wait. Gui:( has 3 goals and 4 points in 10 games since leaving La Belle Province. While that pace still works out to only 25 a season, you can bet he'll explode tonight while the guy we traded for (could play potentially? maybe?? hopefully???) in the minors sometime this week. Remind me again why people want Gainey to trade Halak?

At least one segment of Montreal fans will be happy about Gui's return, besides Guy Bertrand: 12-16 year old Habs fan girls everywhere have their panties in a bunch. Trust us, HF4 checked. Personally, I think tonight's game will have as much beauty as this video:



Alright all you beautiful commentators, let's hear your version of the Habs collapse in the comments.

Season possibly spiraling out of control, in December no less! Devils 2, Habs 1

If I may repeat a word so often used amongst the Jews and as recently as in yesterday's preview, oy. Fourth loss in a row. And this one was, in a word, ugly. It's not that we played that badly, to be honest. For a long time there, it really looked like we were playing a decent road game. Yes, we got six hundred penalties in the first, but we killed them, and even scored a shorty. We had decent goaltending, kept the opponent's chances to a minimum, kept them on the outside. The way you want to play on the road against a good team. It was, if I may, Jacques Martin-esque. Well, except for the penalties. Did I mention the penalties? Anyway, it seemed ok for a while.

But then, well, this:



Look, it happens all the time. A weak-ass shot is going two feet over the net, you lazily reach for it with your trapper, don't trap it, the puck bounces downward, off the crossbar, and lands in the crease behind you. But you don't know where it is, so you slowly back into your net, look around like you're totally lost, only to knock the puck in with your heel. Happens every day! So you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on. Well, for the Habs, not so much. We may remember this incident as the moment all was lost. In December. For those of you inclined to panic, please commence doing so right now.

Of course, it wasn't only that moment that doomed us in this game. Plenty of other blech. 3 shots in the 3rd, a total of 18 for the game. That's not good. We have 8 million dollars vanishing before our eyes. Look, I'm not totally blaming the Mexican, at one point his linemates were Tom Pyatt and Métro. That's a fourth line. In Hamilton. BGL is just a waste of a body at this point. Did I mention the penalties? Oh, and for good measure, our most important defenceman since Markov went out, Hamr, limped out of our lives with a lower body injury.

I haven't decided if I'm freaking out yet, but I think I can sum up how I feel this morning with one (sort of) word: sigh.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

CHappy CHanukkah to Squid and everyone - Devils preview and open thread

As I am sure you all know, tonight is the all-important 6th night of the Jewish Festival of Lights. It's important because it's when all the little Jewish kids go "FUCK, we only have two more days of presents" just before mom slaps the kid and says "in Africa, they don't even get presents!" thus starting the kid down a path of a lifetime of Jewish guilt. It's true, it happened to me when I was young. Us Jews are all about tradition. So grab yourself some of the traditional Hanukkah fare of fried calamari and let's plotz all over this preview.

Waiting for the messiah - 7 PM start from the swamps of Jersey. First meeting of the teams this year. Habs on a 3-game losing streak, all by 1 goal, while the Devils are 8-2 in their last 10. Oy.

Awesome shiksas - first Devils game of the year so we get to re-acquaint ourselves with the awesome librarian-ness and awesome cooking tips of the awesome Ookies over at the awesome Interchangeable Parts. Did I mention about the awesome?

Hotter than the oil to fry your latkes - SquidPleksTits, SquidPleksTits, SquidPleksTits.

Cold like your mom when you don't call. Why don't you call? All I ask is a phone call once a week. Is that too much to ask? - Little Tits now pointless in 6.

Hot like the 7 flames on the menorah tonight - Elias, Parise, blah blah blah. One of the greatest goalies of all time, blah blah blah. Oh, he's going for the record 104th career shutout. He'll get it tonight, it's only fitting.

Cold like your mom when you aren't married yet over the age of 40. Mein gott! All my friends have at least 6 grandchildren. And what have you given me? NOTHING. I HAVE NO SON. - see 8-2 in their last 10 note above, no one really cold for the Devils.

Oy gevalt, my back. Call Uncle Morty to get me an appointment with his orthopedist - the usual. Rumours have Benoit Pouliot playing with the Bulldogs this weekend. Some quick line juggling, with Mad Max to the 3rd line for some hot Max and Max action, with Métro down to the 4th. TFS with the start.

Post-game adult entertainment - Jews don't talk about sex.

Please enjoy some foods fried in oil in the comments

The Game Day Skate for Wednesday, December 16th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of getting tear-gassed...
  • Pens easily win the Battle of Pennsylvania, 6-1. Looks like the Flyers need a goalie;
  • Quick quiz: who is in first place in the Western Conference? Nope. Not them either. Nice try. Keep guessing. Still don't know? After last night, it's the LA Kings;
  • Blues beat the Flames;
  • I don't want to, but as a member of the Quebec media I'm required to point out that Gui! scored last night;
  • Jason Spezza could be out a while.
Habs in the swamps of Jersey tonight. We're not optimistic.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Jaro want traide right fakking now

Coch Martooni alweys play Big fat wale Cari all games and Jaro not get chence. I want to go on the new teem, like Pheely. Jaro want to pley in citee where brothers make love each other.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, December 15th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of someone finding 22 million of your old emails...
  • Habs lose. It was sort of exciting, in that "FUCK, they scored again, YAY, we bounced back" kind of way. But this team has a penalty problem, and it's starting to show. On a good note, Pleks-Tits-Squid is fantastic. On a bad note, no one else can seem to score. Meh;
  • To make things worse, the Leafs are nipping at our heels in the standings after they beat the Sens;
  • Flyers beat the Bs in the Winter Classic preview;
  • Thrash beat the Rangers in the skills competition, after Johan Hedberg had made 48 saves in regulation;
  • Couple of hat tricks last night - Steve Sullivan for the Preds and Nathan Horton for the Panthers.
CRTC something something. Is this essay done yet?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Habs need to stay awake - Sabres game preview and open thread

By the middle of the second period Saturday night, there was no question in my mind that the Habs were in need of a good nap. 4 games in 6 nights will do that to you. The bad news of course is that this week, the Habs get to do that all over again. There is only one cure for sleepiness (well, one legal cure), and that's Red Bull. Replace the Gatorade with Red Bull and plan the parade, baby! Hey, if it's good enough for BGL, it's good enough for the rest of the team.

We're a bit overloaded today finishing up our Communications Law essay (if you want details of CRTC Public Notice 2009-329, we've got time for that), so we'll use the trusty bullet points to set it all up:
  • 7:30 PM start in Montreal. Teams have split two games this year. Buffalo is hot, winners of 7 of 9 and in first place in the Northeast division;
  • Katebits rocks over at The Wilful Caboose;
  • Pleks, Big Tits, and Squid being hot is starting to sound like a broken record, but I have no problem with that. Hamr and The Urologist putting in points from the blue line;
  • Cold Little Tits, on the other hand, I am beginning to have a problem with. How many chances did he fuck up on Saturday?
  • Hotness in Buffalo (if it's ever hot in Buffalo) begins and ends with Ryan Miller. Even I'm rooting for him to make the Olympic team. Vanek and Roy are your forwards to watch;
  • Good 'ol Craig Rivet is pointless in 6;
  • On the injury front, well, you know the drill. Markov, despite TMS' reports to the contrary, may not be so ready to return. Urologist listed as questionable for a laceration. Jaro gets the start;
  • For your post-game adult entertainment establishment, head out to Cleo's before those bastards tearing up the lower Main get rid of it.
If you could talk about Communications Law in the comments, it would really help me out.

The Game Day Skate for Monday, December 14th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of staying perfect...
Buffalo comin' to town this evening.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Two for One Game Review Movie Review - This Kovy is a Genius Too, Wall to Wall-e: Atl 4 - Habs 3 (O.T.)


OK, last time I tried this, my post was devoured by the ogre that is known as the worst Internet connection of all time, courtesy of Second Cup No Internet.

Review:

Very able effort by both teams to get a good game of hockey going in the middle of Georgia.

To me that's like getting:
  • good cricket in Nunavut
  • awesome synchronized swimming in the Serengeti
  • great figure skating in Mumbai
  • under 10% unemployment in Quebec. Ohhhhhh!!!!!!
The Thrashers showed why they've been holding on to a playoff spot this season and the real Kovy showed how tremendously good a Kovy can be. Does anybody beat a guy on the outside the way this Kovy does? Does anybody combine the amazing reach, heavy wrister, incredible acceleration, all-world hands that this Kovy can throw at you? He was my choice for best player in the NHL until Kovy sans K showed up and showed us how to redesign the way the game is played.

Two saves that make the best of the season list, as far as this game goes for Carey. There was a time when 4 goals against spelled another night of heads hanging low and what ifs for TMS, but this was as good a loss as they get for a goaltender. He's totally finding his game again and this is what the team will need to make the top 8 by year's end.

Good point on the road, but not if it comes after relinquishing a 2-0 lead. The Habs stopped skating midway through the game and the Trasher work ethic took the momentum away from Montreal.

Full points to Big Tits for showing this Kovy that the two play a similar game when both in their respective groove. Goaltending and secondary scoring, Markov and Gionta, and things could start getting interesting.

The movie review: Wall-e

It's amazing how this movie can claim the rights to being one of the best animated features of all time.

It's amazing because this is the movie's script:


......

.....

......

30 minutes in.....


Wall-e: Aghhhhhh!!!!!!

......


.......

.......

Wall-e: Ooooh!!!!!


Eve: Directive

Wall-e: Wall-e

Eve: Eve

Wall-e: Eva

Eve: Eeeeve

Wall-e: EEEvva

Eve: EEEEEVE!

Wall-e: EEVAAAA!

.....


......



......

One hour later....

.....

Wall-e: Eeeeeevaaa!!!!

Eve: Walleeeeeeeeee!!!!!


Wall-e: EEVEEEEEEEEVAAAAA!

Eve: Wall-eeeeeeeeeeee

The end.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Stripped Down Habs hit Hotlanta to face the Thrashers

the only reason I ever wanted to be a pro athlete was to get VIP treatment at a strip clubFresh off a loss to the defending champs, the Canadiens travel South of the Mason-Dixon line for a scrap with Ilya Kovalchuk and the free-scoring Thrash. Will it be a Patrick Ewing style Gold Club happy ending, or a Gold Club trial-type fiasco? Find out tonight!

Standing in line watching Ewing and the rest of the Knicks get waved right in: 7:00 pm at the Phillips Arena in Hotlanta, on RDS and the currently free Centre Ice. Habs coming off the loss to the other birds from Pittsburgh, Thrashers coming home after a dismal 1-3 road trip.

Hotter than Atlanta after Sherman paid a visit on his way to the coast: Price lost last game but he's wearing his TFS mantle again: 2-1-0, 1.68, .947 in his last three. Pleks and Cammi scoring and is that a warmed up Big Tits? Yessir, it might be. For Atlanta, Ilya Kovalchuk is hot now but is going to be mid-August at Turner Field hot as a free agent if he doesn't sign an extension soon, Rich Peverley leads Atlanta in scoring, and Maxim Afiniganov has found a new lease on life. Must be a mint julep fan.

Less action than an engineer at Georgia Tech: Bryan Little was probably pencilled in as Kovalchuk's centre pre-season and is struggling with 3 goals on the season. Sophomore goalie Ondrei Pavelec has discovered the proverbial slump, and is 0-2 with a 5.44 goals against and .850 save percentage in his last two starts. For the Habs, Little Tits has cooled down after returning to the big club with something to prove, and while Travis Moen is still giving his 110%, he's pointless in 6.

Busted like a cocaine orgy at the late, lamented Gold Club: Gionta and Markov are inching ever closer but are still out. Paul Mara didn't make the trip, and Jaro 2.0 is hobbling and needs a break. The Thrash is without supposed franchise goalie Kari Lehtonen, whose back finally gave out after carrying the franchise's expectations since he went 2nd overall in the 2002 draft ahead of Jay Bouwmeester.

Your hook-up to the raging nightlife in Buckhead: Check out Bird Watchers Anonymous for your Atlanta Thrashers news and views.

Post Game Entertainment: Has Patrick Ewing taught you nothing? If that ain't your thing, Atlanta is a Southern town full of hot Southern Belles. For the ladies, if the men of Georgia Tech can pull themselves away from their home-made robots and Star Wars Monopoly, you've got yourself the ultimate in nerd chic for the evening.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The Sexy Friday Morning Skate pays tribute to Captain Kirk and his excellent PK while saying Fuck You to Chris Lee

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of the Olympics without curling hottie Jennifer Jones...
  • Pens 3, Habs 2. We played pretty well. We showed we can compete with the Pens. Once again, the PK was perfect. Sure, the winning goal was bleh, but TFS was heroic throughout. Chris Lee doesn't just intend to blow, he actually blows;
  • Leafs almost have a comeback in the 3rd, lose to Bs when Mark Recchi pots 2 to put it away;
  • Ottawa shuts out the Flyers;
  • Daniel Sedin gets a hat trick in a 4-2 win over the Thrash;
  • In the "that's pretty cool" department (well, for us), yours truly made it into Drew's Janboroo on Deadspin yesterday, for our "Gametime cheap beer of the week" submission. Wildcat really is crap. Maybe you can use it to drown your sorrows.
Oh look, the incident is on YouTube already:

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Topless player week continues - Pens preview and open thread

It's amazing what three wins in a row can do for my mood. Wheeee!!!! Habs are playing tonight! I'm giddy! Of course, we're playing a real team, so I imagine by the 2nd period the expletives will be flying. But for now, let's enjoy it. The thought of Megan Fox and Sid the Kid having sex, I mean.

Bit of a crazy day around my life today, so we're hitting the bullets to set this baby up:
  • 730 PM start at the Centre Bell. Habs have lost both games to Pitt so far this year, including that 6-1 loss where Sid got the tossed hat treatment. Habs might actually be the hotter team coming in, with the aforementioned 3-game win streak, while the Pens have lost two in a row;
  • Igloo Dreams is just the good hard facts about the Pens, game by game, without the attitude of some other blogs who shall remain nameless;
  • Plenty of hot players lately - Squid, Pleks, Big Tits, TFS, Hamr, and even The Urologist!
  • Not too many cold ones. Little Tits pointless in 3;
  • Sid has 12 points in his last 4 games. That's not bad. Malkin 4 points in his last 3;
  • Fedotenko pointless in 4;
  • Bring on the injury news! Actually it's better than we expected. Jaro 2.0 will be playing tonight after being very questionable. Who knows what that means for Yannick Weber who got called up yesterday, while Ryan White went down to Hamilton after possibly costing the team a few bucks. I'm sure they can find a few bucks from the 100th cash grab. TFS gets the start, despite Jaro's brilliance Tuesday. Mara (aka Yukon Cornelius, lap dance to Ronan), also injured, won't play, and no word on how serious his upper body is, though he's listed as day-to-day;
  • Interesting tidbit - Habs have only one D who has played every game this year. Care to guess?
  • For your post-game adult entertainment, pleasure yourself with this Penguin sex toy.
Allez les pantalons!

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, December 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of accepting the Nobel Peace Prize...
Pens tonight, assuming they get here because of the weather. Plenty of lineup news which we'll get to in the preview.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Success: Habs 4, Sens 1. Epic FAIL: Bob's ability to multitask


int., Bob's office

JM: Bob, I'm having problems with D'Agostini. I need to bench him. Can you get Ryan White back up here so I can have that extra body?

Bob: Sure, no worries Jacques. You go back to coaching and being serious, I'll take care of that for you.

Bob: Now where did I put that number for the Bulldogs? Hmm. (into intercom to secretary) Rolande, get me Hamilton on the line. Brrrrrinnngg.

Guy Boucher: Hamilton here.

Bob: Guy mon ami, I need Ryan White up here pronto.

Guy: Pas de problème boss. He's on his way. I'm used to not having anyone around here anyway. BTW, will I be getting Sergei back soon?

Bob: Haha, good one. Merci Guy. (into intercom to secretary) Rolande, make me a reservation for lunch. My work here is done.

int., Bell Centre box, sometime in the first period

VP hockey operations Julien Brisebois: Good to see Ryan up here again. I have big plans for the kid.

Bob: Me too, I like him.

Julien: And you took care of that other thing, right? Sent notification to the league he's on the roster now?

Bob: Um, yeah, I did that... earlier. Yeah, earlier, that's the ticket. I made that call, sure. Spoke to, uh, what's-his-name at the league office. You know who I'm talking about. That guy? Excuse me for a sec, Julien. [leaps up, rushes out of box]

Julien: Where you going Bob?

Bob: Bathroom. I had Mexican for lunch.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, December 9th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of or having nightmares of a naked Lindsay Lohan...
  • 3 in a row? Really? I guess so. Habs beat the Sens 4-1, all thanks to Jaro and his meny meny save. Pleks helped out with 3 helpers. The PK was on the ice all game and didn't let up a goal. Over .500!
  • Peter Laviolette gets his first win as Flyers coach;
  • Some guy named Saku gets the OT winner for the Ducks.
Mmm, video highlights of a win.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Habs 3 - Flyers 1 - Habs vs. Sens FHF Game Review Preview Movie review

Review:

We win. We get as many shots as the Palais des Congrès handed out in the last week to fight H1N1. In case you're unsure about that one, it's time you brush up on your inluenza litterature.

Max Lapierre makes a cute move on a Flyers D making the wrong dive in the wrong direction. Squid makes it a routine score for a rare moment of pulse on this night.

Forget any talk about carrying momentum from Friday into this game. Look at it more like a new page on a new book that had nothing to do with the charged love fest we were treated to.

The game was a total bore, despite the Urologist slapping a sharp one down low to make it the game beyond a depleted Flyer lineup.

Full marks to Danny Brière for reminding Montreal that he chose another woman of the tit of Montreal and that he still looks good and we miss him and we think we're totally over him but we're really not because nobody laughed at our jokes the way he did, and looked so sweet in his sleep the way he did and cooked such magnificent foods and just got us the way he did.

But whatever, we're over him.

Thanks to both teams for coming up with...

HF29 here - Just got a frantic call from HF4 from Second Cup. He's been kidnapped. No, actually, he wrote about 1500 more words after this that have vanished into Second Cup's crappy internet service. We're preparing the lawsuit as we speak. He's got to run, I've got to run out too, so this is what you get for preview and open thread. Habs-Sens at 730 in Ottawa, go visit SLC, Jaro starts, Pleks and Squid rule, Gomez sucks, Mara is injured, etc., etc.

Go pants. But not to Second Cup. P.S., the movie was Wall-E.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, December 8th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of (or having nightmares of) having ten mistresses...
  • Habs win! With a record number of shots! Errr, record LOW number of shots. Jacques Martin is quite proud. Pleks with two assists. Mad Max with an assist that made you think he actually has some offensive talent. .500 baby!
  • Leafs, on the other hand, explode for 5 unanswered goals to beat the Thrash;
  • Ovie back from suspension, scores 2 in a win, ho hum,;
  • Martin Brodeur gets a shutout, ho hum, ties Terry Sawchuk;
  • Canes get their first road win of the season, in Pittsburgh no less;
  • In honour of the Sens game tonight, check this in case you ever wonder what happened to Alexandre Daigle.
We're trying out a new embedded player for your highlights today. Well, if there could be considered "highlights" from that yawner.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Phlyers' heads exploding just in time to meet the Habs

So you thought the situation with the Habs (prior to Friday) was bad? You ain't seen nothing. Flyers were fresh off losing 6 of 7 when they fired coach John Stevens and his head exploded, all Scanners-style. TSN analyst Peter Laviolette takes over, and they promptly lose 8-2. Dan Carcillo gets like, 1000 minutes in penalties that night and gets suspended for 4 games. The death spiral mantle maybe seems to have been passed from the Habs to the Flyers (knock wood). Let's set this baby up with some help from a few choice quotes from the greatest head-exploding film of all time.

Welcome to our little psychic gymnasium - 19h30 au Centre Bell. Habs on a one-game winning streak! Phlyers on a 4-game losing streak. This is our first meeting this year.

I'm going to suck your brain dry - our good friend Kristin at eager to go psycho can suck our brains dry any time.

And yet an assassin managed to infiltrate this group - Squid's Friday night hat trick gives him 15 goals, way ahead of anyone else on this team. TFS has the eyes of a cold-blooded assassin these days, and we like it.

Why are you such a derelict? Such a piece of human junk? - We'll just say after Friday night there are no cold Habs. Enjoy that while you can.

You and your brothers and sisters can bring a glory and a brilliance to our society that has never been seen before - there is no one bringing glory to the Flyers right now.

They're all pathetic social misfits. Unstable. Unreliable. - All the following Flyers are listed as 0 points in their last _ games: Carter, Richards, Giroux, Pronger, Timonen. Ray Emery is in his own stratosphere of patheticness, instability, and unreliability.

Bring the world of normals to their knees - Speaking of knees, or lower-bodies, or ankles or whatever, Little Tits is a go for tonight. TFS gets the start. Pouliot might be ready to go for the weekend. Ryan White is back to Hamilton. For the Flyers, Simon Gagne is still out.

I drilled a hole in my head. Where? Kind of obvious, isn't it? - Your post-game adult entertainment is educational. Learn the drill sex position with handy computerized graphics (sorta NSFW).

Let's see if we can scan each other in the comments

OK, Now that We're Done Celebrating and Crying, Viggo Fucking Mortensen?? Are You Shitting Me???

Ok, it’s all over now. We’ve packed up the emotion and dismantled the stage. It’s not about “Oh, Happy Birthday Montreal Canadiens, we love you, you look so young for 100!” anymore. And poo-pooing on the ceremony a mere 24 hours later wouldn’t have struck the right chord with anyone. But it’s been 3 days now and we’re over it. And now that we are, one question begs to be answered.

VIGGO MORTENSEN ???!!!!!

That’s so left field that if measured in actual baseball geography, you would have to build a whole other stadium to the left of the current stadium and have your left fielder play there all by himself on a giant and separate fucking left field.

By choosing freaking Aragorn, the Habs just blew the doors open on the strangest, nonsensical, non-affiliated what the fucks one could think of to speak at the Habs’ centennial party.

I mean, at this point if you’re gonna go with Aragorn, you might as well go with the entire cast of nutjobs on the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

But why stop at Tolkien?

I mean if you’re going Viggan, you can venture even further and ask, I don’t know, Dolly Parton to introduce Patrick Roy! Wooooooweeeee!!!

Forget that, I mean, if Viggo’s in the house, why not just ask Harry and Sally to come on down and introduce Jean Béliveau!? That makes a ton of sense. Sally could have that famous deli orgasm right there at centre ice!

Hell, why stop there? I mean Viggo’s role in the ceremony was such a natural choice, to emulate that logic you would need to ask Freddy Kruger to introduce Ken Dryden.

And while we’re at it, maybe E.T. could have introduced some of the players. Get him to point at them with that glowing finger. Put him behind the goal and get his finger to light up every time the Habs score. Hell he should have been there.

Good job, Habs marketing brass, what a spectacular choice, asking Viggo Mortensen to walk down the red carpet on one of the most important days in this storied franchise's history. I mean what happened? Was Homer not available for the evening?

Or maybe you just could have asked fucking Benji to do the honors.

If you were going to make a splash in the surprise guest effect market, you could have asked Willy who would have been just ELATED to be there.

Viggo “Aragorn” Mortensen as the best choice to introduce Guy Lafleur? What you talkin’ bout Habs marketing brass?