Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It's Game 77 and it's the Hurricanes. Our creative juices have run dry.

As written in TMS this morning, Carolina - feel the excitement! ZZZZZZ. I'm not sure if it's because we're in, like, month six of the season, or the fact that I have eaten about half a cow over the last two nights of passover seders, but I've got a pretty blah feeling today. Actually, maybe it's the two pounds of matzoh that's blocking the exit of said half-cow that has me so blah. Juices! Bodily functions! This is quality blogging, people. So without a theme or any creativity whatsoever, allow me to ramble on a bit about this evening's hockey contest. Don't run away, Anonymous! I promise there will be some moderately entertaining jokes. Well, at least one anyway.

So the game is at 7 PM at the Bell Centre. Hot McSplooge action will come exploding out of your TV. Habs are allegedly a decent 6-2-2 in their last 10, but we suck much worse than that, if you phrase it as "we've lost 4 of our last 5 games." Carolina, 5-4-1 over their last 10, claims to be in the playoff chase only being 7 points out of a spot, but srsly, gimme a break. They're toast. Well, until they beat us tonight. Habs have won both games against the Canes this year, including one of those games back in December when Jaro was routinely stopping 50 shots a game. Good times.

Hey, did you know there is a Brazilian Canes blog? It sure looks like it, though my Portugese is a bit rusty. For a Brazilian Canes blog though, there is a real lack of Brazilian girls (tastefully NSFW). Big missed opportunity there.

I guess maybe we have some hot players. Big Tits has 4 points over his last 3 games, and Pleks has points in 3 straight games. The Mexican continues to make us forget that he makes EIGHT FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS. Whoops, I guess he hasn't really succeeded there yet. Your hot Cane is Jussi Jokinen, who needs one goal to reach 30 for the first time.

Plenty of crappiness (boy I wish I could crappiness) to complain about. Little Tits pointless in 5. The CHicken is a shadow of his former self. As a related aside, did you know people are talking about sending Gui! to the World Championships? As like a top 6 forward? I'm bitter like maror (look it up). Your cold Canes are Brind'Amour, Staal, and Samsonov. For some reason I miss Sergei Samsonov. I don't know why; he was fucking terrible for us.

Ahh, Team Clinic. Métro is out 6-8 weeks, but he swears he'll try anything to get back sooner. Mara still out for the season. I really can't give a crap about who's injured for the Canes. I'm delighted to announce TFS gets the start. I still feel bad about how he got screwed in his last one.

To help you get the thought of my matzoh-blocked bowels out of your head, enjoy this pic the hottest ice girls in the league, the Canes' Storm Squad. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to invest in some bleach stock.

The Game Day Skate is obsessed with the standings for Wednesday, March 31st

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Kelly Brook in lingerie...
  • UGH. After a great night Monday, last night was a standings disaster. Let's start with the Bs win over the Devils in OT;
  • How about Atlanta over the Leafs?
  • And the Rangers getting a win too;
  • Not to mention Kovy getting the OT winner for Ottawa. Over the Caps no less. Their fifth win in a row no less. Forget about catching them;
  • The good news is no one has any games in hand any more, and in fact Habs a have a game on the Thrash, and we're still technically in 7th. Also, we think we can put a fork in everyone from Carolina on down now;
  • No doubt some other games happened;
  • Métro officially out 6-8 weeks;
  • Oh look, Habs sign a big American college defenseman.
Canes tonight. Feel the excitement.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, March 30th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of losing your UFC event...
  • For a night when the Habs didn't play, we did pretty welly! First up, a Bruins loss to the Sabres, which included Tim Thomas getting chased;
  • Next, an Atlanta loss to the Hurricanes;
  • We're still in 7th;
  • Ducks celebrate Selanne's 600th goal with a win, that includes a goal from our old boy CHips;
  • Métro tells Radio-Can he's done for the regular season;
  • There's some shenanigans about the Coyotes possibly going to Winnipeg;
  • Here's a headline to warm your heart: "Marc Crawford punishes the Little Fuckity-Fuck" (we're paraphrasing).
Mmmm. Tuesday.

Monday, March 29, 2010

The Morning Skate for Monday, March 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of making it to the Final Four...
  • Oh sure, Marty gets chased from his net the day after he plays us. And against the Phlyers no less. Fuck you Marty;
  • Pens need a shootout to beat the mighty Leafs;
  • Flames hanging on to their playoff hopes for dear life, beat the Caps;
  • Chicago picked the wrong time to start playing like crap;
  • Here's the Gazette story on Metro's status and what a great guy he is. It doesn't officially say he's done for the season, but it sounds like he's done for the season.
No game til Wednesday. Spend your time eating matzah.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Devils 4, Earth 10,0000000000000000 kilowatts saved ... and isn't that what's important, people?

The New Jersey Devils, the living embodiment of Earth Hour, shut the power off for 60 minutes. Like always. David Suzuki approves of their conservation efforts ... saving red lights from going off since 1994.

The Sky is Falling:
Well, with the Devils, the sky never actually falls. The Devils inexorable grinding down of opposing teams is a lot like the booby trapped ceiling in an Indiana Jones movie. It slowly, surely comes towards you until it squeezes your breath out and ends it with a whimper instead of a bang. For the past 15 years, it's usually the ending the Habs get. Montreal didn't play terribly, and New Jersey wasn't at their best, but their system is freakishly effective unless you have the otherworldly talents that can unlock it. The Habs don't. And now it looks more and more likely that they could be playing for their playoff lives until game 82. Fourth line lynchpin and surprise power play ace Glen Metropolit went down with what appears to be a shoulder injury, taking away some of the sneaky offensive menace in the bottom two rungs.

Plan the Parade: Things to take away from this one? These are not the remorseless killing machine Devils that throttled the life out of Yzerman, Federov, and a talented Red Wings team in the 95 finals. This Devils team looks beatable if they meet in the playoffs (delusion metre off the hook? Possibly). Jacques Martin (possibly forced by an injury to Metropolit) shuffled the deck and tried different looks, which is a nice change. Gomez and Gionta were flying at times, Cammy had two assists, and Little Tits showed flashes that the coaches must have noticed. Even some first line duty for Sergei. Big Tits scored again, and may be the happiest guy in the room to see Cammalleri back drawing away defenders and tilting the ice away from Andrei's space.

Other stuff I was thinking about during this most holy turn off the lights for one token hour to save the planet evening:
Jaro 2.0 is Gainey's worst offseason move by a country mile based on his performance of late. Andrei Markov seems off. Dominic Moore had his quietest game as a Hab - I barely heard his name. Bob Cole drove me crazy because every time he said "Motteau" I thought he said "Otto" and kept looking for former Flame beast Joel Otto in the faceoff dot. That Tim Horton's commercial with the guys doing cliche Canadian things would be a lot more effective if they hired actors who could fucking skate ... those two skate like the Indian exchange student we had on our intramural hockey team in university. I don't trust Halak sometimes. He makes me nervous and I can't say that about Price when Price is on. Jaro makes it look hard sometimes. Fuck me, I'm gonna be pissed if the Leafs sneak out of the lottery picks. Carbo is the worst colour guy ever. He'd be in the three-man booth in hell with Joe Bowen and Harry Neale for sure. Turns out the Devils have no one wearing a number over 30. I know that couldn't work for a team with so many numbers in the rafters like the Habs, but that's kind of old school cool.

Scoreboard watching: Sens, Bruins, Sabres and Thrashers win; Flyers, Rangers, and Panthers lose. Habs stay in 6th, two up on Bruins and Flyers, four up on Thrashers, 6 on Rangers. Of course, they all have games in hand on Montreal. Hey, remember when Montreal had played a bunch of extra games for no reason, but "don't worry, they have a week with only 2 games so everyone else will catch up?" Well this week Montreal played four times to jump a couple games ahead in the played column again. The lesson, as always: The NHL is fucking hapless in every single fucking way. It seems like this is Montreal's lot every year (and yes, the Habs could make it a moot point by winning), but there has to be a mental strain that comes with looking at the standings and doing the calculations and seeing your playoff position change when there is nothing you can do about it. I'm not sure how there isn't a computer scheduling system out there that can't keep everybody withing a game or so ALL YEAR LONG. At one point this year I think somebody had SIX games in hand on the Canadiens. That's fucking ridiculous.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Classic Albums Presents Bon Kovy New Jersey - Game Preview and Open Thread

Running out of Jersey cliches, Habs versus Devils, Parise/Kovalchuk/Brodeur vs Gomez/Pleks/Markov blah blah blah 7:00 at the Bell Centre. Let's get to the music! (Apologies to moeman, 29, and the hairmetal stylings of one Mr. John Francis Bongiovi, Jr.)

"Born To Be Our Goalie"

Your dad was a goalie back in the day
Took up photography 'cause of bills to pay
Now you're the French goalie that got away
Our love, our Cups

Wish back then they'd drafted you with pride
Wouldn't need a good offence with you on our side
Without you our Cup hopes fade and die
Our dreams, our pride

You beat the Habs like a drum (all night)
Shut them out and score one (your play is airtight)
And I'll never let go cause
There's something I know deep inside

You were born to be our goalie
And Marty, we were made to be your fans
Coulda had something to believe in
Even if we don't know where we stand
Only God would know the seasons
We could have had if you had been the man
Cause you were born to be our goalie
And Marty, we were made to be your fans

Win two Cups, blow the world away
Two Olympic golds also on your tray
You ain't fancy, Marty that's OK
Your time, your way

When your team keeps it close better hang on tight
Buckle up, Marty, it's a bumpy ride
Habs are fighting for their playoff life
Our world, our fight

If the Habs play real hard (all night)
There's a chance they'll get by (and it's alright)
And I'll know that you'll be fine
In my heart till the day that I die

Cause you were born to be our goalie
And Marty, we were made to be your fans
Coulda had something to believe in
Even if we don't know where we stand
Only God would know the seasons
We could have had if you had been the man
Cause you were born to be our goalie
And Marty, we were made to be your fans

[Solo]

You beat the Habs like a drum (all night)
Shut them out and score one (your play is airtight)
And I'll never let go cause
There's something I know deep inside

Cause you were born to be our goalie
And Marty, we were made to be your fans
Coulda had something to believe in
Even if we don't know where we stand
Only God would know the seasons
We could have had if you had been the man

Cause you were born to be our goalie
And Marty, we were made to be your fans

You were born to be our goalie
And Marty, we were made to be your fans

Bon soir, Montreal! We love you!!!!!!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Tribute to the Geek: Habs 4 - Panthers don't tie it late to win the game in a shootout

Hard work. Meticulous. Smart. Gio is our geek of the week.

His offensive outburst last night helped the Habs hang on to a 4-1 win over the Panthers.

After the game, Gio went home to design the perfect female robot, the Vagionta. Gio is a huge fan of the movie Weird Science and hopes to retire from hockey some day with Vagionta and their three robot kids.

Gio is also hoping, while Vagionta comes to life, that he can ask Lorraine out to the prom next month, although Biff seems to have his eyes on her. Maybe Gio can knock Biff out in the parking lot and win Lorraine's heart.

When that's done, Gio should help solve cool math problems at the school he'll be washing floors in. Do it Champ.

Then, Gio's expecting to finally lose his virginity after having waxed the hair off his body. Hopefully Gio can do this without driving his other sweetheart, Laura Winslow away.

Then Gio expects to dwell in a cave with his asthma inhaler with the rest of the Goonies and take some time off, while he comes to terms with his sentiments about the ogre Chuck and his affection for Babe Ruth chocolates.

Gio's our favorite geek and we hope he gets Laura Winslow pregnant soon. Hopefully that doesn't drive Vagionta to a murderous rage; but he can just deprogram her so it's cool.

It's a commentor-submitted Sexy Friday TMS!

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of moeman submitting pics of superdupermodels...
Seems like forever since we've seen long-form video highlights after a win.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Welcome Back, Kammi Review and Cats Open Thread


Last night, on a very special episode of WELCOME BACK KAMMI

Welcome back, Kammi. We missed you - and so did your buddy, "Big Tits" Epstein. Look how happy he was to see Kammi, twice beating Vice-Principle Mr. Millerwood, including on an exam 40 seconds into the school day. Marc-Andre Horshack was pretty excited to get back into the class room too, helping out his buddy 'Big Tits' Epstein on the second exam. Vinnie Markarino may be well into his comeback, but we're still excited he' back. Boom-Boom Subban wasn't in class last night, but we miss him and hope he's back in the big classroom soon.

And just when everything was all fun and games, Vice-Principle Millerman shuts the classroom door and all hell breaks loose in the 3 minutes before the bell. In the last scene, Kammi and the Sweathogs are bested by Mr. Millerman in detention.

Must be a two-part episode, sit-coms always have a happy ending for the good guys. Let's see what's on tonight.


And now, on a very special Golden Girls preview with Tomasina, Stephanie, Nathannette and Davina (wait, shouldn't they be the Cougars instead of the Panthers?)"

"What time is dinner? Of course I mean the early bird special."
  • 7:30pm Bell Centre, RDS HD
"Hotter than one of Blanche's hot flashes. And that's hot."
  • Big Tits potted 2 after scoring one in the shootout against T.O.
  • Squid and the Urologist both got points in their first game back in months
  • Halak has saved 94% of shots over the last three games
  • Scott Clemmenson is better - 96% in the last 2 games
  • Davina Booth and Stephanie Weiss both have 4 points in their last 4

"It's cool out Dorothy, put on a sweater why don't you?"

  • Moore, Little Tits and Metro haven't scored in three games. So much for scoring depth
  • Where did CHicken go?
  • Micheal Frolik is looking forward to a career in Europe with one point in 7 outings
  • Tomas Vokoun is playing like a Tomasina, giving up almost 3 1/2 goals per the last couple of games

"At my age, everything hurts and I'm lucky if I wake up in the morning."

  • Travis Moen, his 50 stitches and half an eye are back in the lineup tonight
  • Paul Mara is done. Wonder where he'll be playing next year
  • Colin's kid Gregory is a maybe for the Cats
  • TFS' ass has been re-nailed to the bench
  • Yes, really, that is all the injury/lineup news. Until Gomez and Hamr go down tonight, of course.

"That reminds me of a story from back in St. Olaf..."

  • Cats are 7 points back from Boston with 10 games to play. Good luck with that.
  • They have won 2 in a row, though
  • Habs magic number is now 13
  • 2-1 MTL in the season series

Do you think JM cares about beating the Cats or are you unsure he has any emotions at all? Tired of hockey talk? Let's hear your favorite classic TV sitcom moments. Mine all involve Alyssa Milano and Who's the Boss.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, March 25th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of arms control...
  • As usual, you can look at last night's 3-2 (SO) loss to Buffalo in a couple of ways. The good way is that the Habs played an outstanding 56 minutes and totally deserved to win. The bad way is that we crapped the bed for 4 minutes and it cost us a point. Your call;
  • Gaborik comes alive and helps lead the Rangers to a 5-0 win;
  • Caps take the Pens in a shootout, with the shootout winner coming from Mike Knuble?
  • Detroit continues to surge.
At least there's no time to panic today. Back to work against the Panthers tonight. We can only hope it comes with another PJ Stock F-bomb on l'antiCHambre.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

A Squid and a Urologist ride to the rescue on a Buffalo (preview and open thread)

And the cavalry has arrived! We're saved! The suckage will end tonight, thanks to two players! The PP will score 4 goals! The pathetic effort of the last two games will be totally forgotten!

Yeah right. We'll see.

In effort to shake things up, how about a new format for a preview? Reverse order bullet points!
  • Your post-game adult entertainment is the Ol' Buffalo Porn Site;
  • In the biggest injury news since Vodkov came back, (in case you missed it) Squid and The Urologist will be playing. Though we've lost Travis MOEmaN's face for tonight. That moves DarCHe Vader to the 3rd line to replace MOEmaN, and The Urologist will play on the fourth line. And your starting goalie is... The Big Fat Wale!
  • Buffalo doesn't really have many cold players, except Craig Rivet is pointless in 6. But they don't pay him to get points;
  • While several Habs could be considered cold, let's go with Big Tits as the coldest. Maybe the presence of the Squid will make him perkier;
  • Plenty of hot Sabres. Derek Roy and Jason Pominville both scoring well, and Ryan Miller is Ryan Miller;
  • For the Habs, hmm. The Mexican maybe? And Gio is always working hard at least;
  • Katebits over at The Willful Caboose is always worth reading. She is also one of my many hockey blogging lady crushes;
  • Game is 7:30 PM at the HSBC Arena in Buffalo. This is the fifth of six meetings this year. Buffalo is 3-0-1 so far. Ugh. The Sabres, after a bit of a slow-down, have picked it up recently, lots of it on the road (3-1-1 road trip) and riding a 3-game win streak. They are on track for the division and can even see the number 2 seed. No worries, Habs play to the level of their opposition, right? RIGHT?
In the spirit of the preview, please start with your post-game comments.

The Game Day Skate for Wednesday, March 24th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of having a request for your DNA withdrawn...
  • Mondo action from the teams surrounding the Habs in the clusterfuck last night. Just above us, Ottawa apparently decided to use the Habs game as a springboard for the rest of the season, beat the Phlyers by a 2-0 score. Just below us, Bs cool off the Thrash with a 4-0 win. Not sure if either result is good or bad. At least neither game went to OT;
  • Panthers cling to some playoff hope after beating the Leafs;
  • Bolts' playoff chances are even slimmer, but at least they finally won a game;
  • We're sure a bunch of games were played in the West;
  • The NHL Board of Govs passes a rule about hits to the head, but the NHLPA seems to be stalling on it. Down Goes Brown does his usual killer job of explaining why (lap dance to ezzelohar).
Habs in Buffalo tonight. Rumour has a couple of old faces back in the lineup. Let's hope it helps.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, March 23rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Mila Kunis in GQ...
  • Well it's official. We're the suckiest team that ever did suck. Can't skate, can't pass, can't score. A power play that is too painful for words. Habs lose 2-0. Travis Moen's face got slashed by a skate but all reports have him as being ok (if 25 stitches can be considered ok). That's the only good news from last night. The Suck-o-meter goes from 0 to 9 in two games. Forget 5th, or 6th, or the division, and start worrying again about even making the playoffs;
  • Red Wings are getting better, beat Pensburgh. Look out West!
  • Avs tie it with 6 seconds left, but Kings win in OT.
Would you say it's time for our viewers to panic? Yes I would Kent.

Monday, March 22, 2010

The Fight for Fifth Place! Sens preview and open thread

An epic clash! Fifth place is on the line!!! It's the single-most important sporting event in the history of the universe!!!11!!!

Until Wednesday.

Take five - 7:30 PM start at The Bell. It's listed as being on Sportsnet East, but I'm guessing it's one of those regional dealies that will be blacked out outside of Ottawa / Gatineau. Both teams sitting on 79 points. With the Phlyers' loss last night, winner moves into 5th place in case you hadn't heard. Habs coming off that Leafs ugliness Saturday night, Sens riding a five-game losing streak. Sens have dominated the Habs this year, winning four of five.

Our favourite five - FIVE for Smiting, duh. Sorry today's Photoshop isn't epic SLC, but after the weekend genius around here, our creative juices ran dry.

Hot like Albert Pujols - After mailing it in Saturday night, maybe I should put no one here, though Gio's two goals were a highlight. For the record, Vodkov has 7 points in his last 5 (though his point streak was snapped Saturday), Little Tits has 5 over his last 4, and Dominictrix 4 in 4. For the Sens, the lone bright spot lately was Spezza's hat trick Saturday against the Stars.

Cold like a goalie who just let in a 60-footer through the five-hole - Despite Saturday night, no individual player is really cold for the Habs, though Big Tits still isn't really doing much. Habs PP blows lately, a mere 5 for 32 since the Olympics. On the Sens side, a certain Alex is pointless in 9. And the Sens have goalie issues. Like that's news.

It's a five-hour wait in any Montreal ER - In case you hadn't heard, Mara will likely miss the rest of the season to have shoulder surgery. Despite rumours, neither Squid nor the Urologist will play tonight according to Stubbs' Twitter. Jaro gets the start. Sens are pretty healthy, though Milan Michalek is day to day.

A nickel for this thought - Remember the off-season when we all screamed bloody murder at the non-signing of Kovalev? Now who would you rather have as your first line wingers - Kovy & Tanguay or Squid & Gio? Exactly.

Post-game adult entertainment - A five-way video on RedTube. Is hardcore porn NSFW? I guess, but I don't know where you work.

How would you celebrate an ascension to fifth place? Let's hear it in the comments.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Leafs 3 - Habs 2 (SO) & FHF EXCLUSIVE


TORONTO, ONTARIO, CANADA - - The National FHF Enquirer has obtained EXCLUSIVE text messages sent from Toronto Maple Leafs General Manager Brian Burke to then Calgary Flames’ defenceman Dion Phaneuf – some 10 days BEFORE the trade that brought Phaneuf to the Leafs was completed. These texts reveal several private, super-secret meetings between Phaneuf and Burke.

“This is damning evidence against Mr. Burke and the Leafs organization”, said Calgary Flames GM Darryl Sutter, “but that doesn’t mean we want that overrated pric back. But another draft pick would be nice. The Leafs give ’em away all the time anyway. ”

One series of texts, revealed below, exposes Burke’s desperation for a physical, hard-hitting, all-around truculent defenceman. Another exposes how the trade almost fell through when the two secret buddies were almost caught by a Calgary real estate developer and friend of unnamed Flames’ brass – an episode which, according to anonymous insiders, would have scuttled the deal due to Sutter’s notorious obsession with not allowing any leaks of deals to the media.

Unfortunately Phaneuf’s phone records only contained messages received from Burke – or “Burkie” as he appears in Phaneuf’s contact list – leaving Phaneuf’s role in the relationship conveniently unknown. Some have speculated this is yet another step in Burke’s attempt to forget the whole episode – along with the fact he has to pay Phaneuf $6.5M a year for the next four seasons.

Here are the unedited excerpts of those texts:

Burkie: Sent: 05:46 PM 01/20/2010:
Heading back from the rink now. How close are you?
Burkie:Sent: 06:01 PM 01/20/2010:
I will leave an envelope at the front desk under “Mr. Daniels.” Your room will be 305. Get settled and let me know when you are ready to see me. I will be in room 201. Make sure absolutely no one sees you.
Burkie:Sent: 06:18 PM 01/20/2010:
Oh i know. Not at all. Just glad and suprised i can do that to get you.
Burkie:Sent: 06:53 PM 01/20/2010:
How close are you? Hurry:) What do you want to eat
Burkie:Sent: 07:10 PM 01/20/2010:
Anything simple. No turkey unless it's a club sandwich
Burkie:Sent: 07:38 PM 01/20/2010:
Head to the elevators and go to the door, it will be open with the dead bolt. I have to get back here to wait for the food.
Burkie:Sent: 07:47 PM 01/20/2010:
Sweet. Dont come down here yet. Lots of people in the hall. I will let you know when it clears
Burkie:Sent: 08:35 PM 01/20/2010:
There is a room service cart in my hall. Be careful
Burkie:Sent: 09:06 PM 01/20/2010:
Come on down. Its quiet here in the hall now
I want to you be on our team. I need that so bad. Now:)
We need to wear Calgary down

Burkie:Sent: 03:32 PM 01/21/2010:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make them trade
Burkie:Sent: 03:35 PM 01/21/2010:
In a week. I will try to wear them down
Burkie:Sent: 03:36 PM 01/21/2010:
After i trade you better start sucking less and playing hard

Burkie:Sent: 04:24 PM 01/22/2010:
Ok. Now your talking. Whatever i want. You are mine
Burkie:Sent: 04:39 PM 01/22/2010:
Whatever else turns you on. You tell me what you like
Burkie:Sent: 04:48 PM 01/22/2010:
You are. Always will be. Don't trust people

Burkie:Sent: 04:21 PM 01/23/2010:
Where do you want to be playing

Burkie:Sent: 03:37 PM 01/25/2010:
Do you ever hook up with other teammates girls?
Burkie:Sent: 03:38 PM 01/25/2010:
You didnt answer the question
Burkie:Sent: 03:38 PM 01/25/2010:
Really. You. You have done just about everything havent you
Burkie:Sent: 03:39PM 01/25/2010:
Never done it. I think i would get stage freight Maybe
I will be over in 10mins
Burkie:Sent: 03:40 PM 01/25/2010:
Why dont you come over here now instead
Let me know when you leave your room

Burkie:Sent: 10:40 AM 01/27/2010:
Guys from calgary. Investors. So my real estate agent being [sic] suggested that we go back to my room at the mansion for lunch. He doesnt know about us, obviously
Burkie:Sent: 12:06 PM 01/27/2010:
Oh my god. If they were with me. You would have ruined everything
I told you. Oh my god. I cant believe what just happened
Burkie:Sent: 12:08 PM 01/27/2010:
Don't Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined the whole deal. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck

Burkie:Sent: 04:24 PM 01/30/2009:
Ok. Now your talking. Whatever i want. You are mine
Burkie:Sent: 04:02 PM 01/30/2010:
I want you to treat them rough. Throw them around, spank and slap them
Slap their face. Treat them like a dirty little loudmouth. Put your stick in their back and then shove it down their throat
Burkie:Sent: 04:10 PM 01/30/2010:
Then tell to shut the Fuck up while your slap their face and pull their hair for making noise
Burkie:Sent: 5:00 PM 01/30/2010:
I really do want you to be rough with them. Slap them around and punish them . I want them to beg for you to stop. Hurt them all over to convince them to let you have the puck

Burkie:Sent: 07:43 PM 01/31/2010:
Great thing is we have a life time of this

Oh, and the Sky is Falling, the Leafs won in a shootout and the Habs blew a chance to move up to 5th. At least the sky will be falling while the Habs play in the first round of the playoffs and still get to pick a guy in the first round of the draft this summer. Bitter? Me? Nah. Your Comments?

Saturday, March 20, 2010

The Hockey Sweaters - Canadiens at Leafs Game Preview and Open Thread


The winters were long, long seasons. We lived in three places - on the internet, in front of the tv, and at work or school. But our real life was on FourHabsFans. Real battles were won on FourHabFans. Real strength appeared on FourHabsFans. The real leaders showed themselves on FourHabsFans.

I remember very well the winter of 2010. We all wore the same uniform, the red, white and blue uniform of the Montreal Canadiens, the best hockey team in the world. We all shaved our heads like Scott Gomez. We laced our skates like Tomas Plekanec and taped our sticks like Andrei Markov. We did drugs and drank beer like Carey Price. We hung out with Russian gangsters like Sergei and Andrei Kostitsyn. Truly, we knew everything there was to know about the Montreal Canadiens.

One day, my Mike Komisarek Montreal Canadiens sweater was covered in tape that said "traitor". My mother said, "if you wear that old sweater, people are going to think you cheer for Komisarek still." My mother started to look over the internet for a new sweater, and did what she always did. My mother did not understand a word of English, so she sent an email to Monsieur Eaton:

Dear Monsieur Eaton,

Would you be so kind as to send me a Canadiens' hockey sweater for my son, HF10, who is 36 years old and a little bit tall for his age? Docteur Mulder thinks he is a little too thin. I am sending you $300. Please send me the change if there is any. I hope your packing will be better than it was last time.


Of course, Mr. Eaton's store went out of business many years ago, leaving only a Centre in Toronto bearing his name, so La Baie answered my mother. Two weeks later we received the sweater.

That day I had one of the greatest disappointments of my life! Instead of the red, white and blue Montreal Canadiens sweater, La Baie had sent the blue and white number 81 sweater of Phil Kessel of the Toronto Maple Leafs. I had always worn the red, white and blue sweater of the Montreal Canadiens. All my friends wore the red, white and blue sweater. Never had anyone at FourHabsFans worn the Phil Kessel number 81 Toronto sweater. Besides, the Toronto team had been beaten 3 times out of 4 by the Canadiens this season.

With tears in my eyes, I found the strength to say: "I'll never wear that uniform".

My mother agreed that wanting a Montreal Canadiens Mike Cammalleri number 13 sweater and settling for a Phil Kessel number 81 Toronto sweater would not do. She sent another email asking for a trade. Instead of a proper trade, they sent her three very valuable Bruins sweaters. The letter explained that we could order "Hall" or Seguin" for the sweater in June, and names and numbers for the other two sweaters in June 2011. It is a strange place, Toronto. They have a tres bizarre way of running their business.

When I arrived at FourHabsFans to discuss the game that is going to happen live at the Air Canada Centre at 7:00 pm on CBC and RDS, I wasn't concerned about the three potential Bruins sweaters that had been traded for the one Phil Kessel sweater. I was wondering if the Canadiens could win their seventh straight against a Toronto team that had won four of five. If a red-hot Jaro Halak and the GMC line could keep the momentum going if the Monster was looking for his fifth straight win. I was not concerned about being banned from the comments because of a blue sweater; I was more concerned with Cammalleri's health and what the possible return of the Urologist would do to the lines. I wondered if Mike Komisarek's bum shoulder will make him damaged goods for the rest of his huge contract. I wondered if the rebuilding job done by window-peeping Brian Burke was already on track with Toronto's youngsters playing so well.

Just in case, I went to church and I asked God to send me right away, a hundred million moths that would eat up my three Bruins sweaters, a spate of injuries to the Leafs that would keep them in the lottery, and 11 more wins in a row for the Canadiens.

With sincere apologies to the great Roch Carrier and his classic tale.

Friday, March 19, 2010

It's a feel-good Sexy Friday Open Thread of Love!

It's Sexy Friday, bitCHes! Could there be anything better when the Habs are doing well? I think not. And the sexy is everywhere. March Madness brings the sexy fans. And Tiger Woods is not only a golfing machine, but a sexting machine too (sample: "I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth"). We need a cigarette.

Plenty to open thread of love about this morning. Hockey, for instance. Lots of action in the East last night. The Bs went after Matt Cooke with some fisticuffs for the Savard hit, but lost the game 3-0. Sens lose to the streaking Thrash, who streaked right by the Rangers into 9th because they lost to the Blues. Buffalo beats the Bolts, maybe putting Habs' dreams of the division out of reach. Panthers lose in a shootout. And fuck the little fuckity-fuck Stars who had a two-goal lead over Philly but lost 3-2. And somehow the Leafs beat the Devils. Leafs are hot baby!

So what does it all mean for the standings and playoff chances? Fuck if we know. The stat geeks upped our playoff chances by 1.8 percentage points. We dropped to 7th because of the Flyers win. At least it means that FINALLY some other teams have played the same number of games, like the Sens who also played 71 and are only one point up on us. Rangers have also played 71 and we have a 7 point cushion on those losers.

In other hockey news, the NHL gave James Wisniewski 8 games for his hit on Brent Seabrook. Whatever. The spinning wheel of NHL justice is making us nauseous. Out in the West (like we care), the Nucks beat the Sharks. Also, we should mention it was the Yotes who were the ones who beat the Panthers, their 7th straight. We bring this up only because we want to mention that they actually sold out their Saturday game against Chicago. Phoenix is hockey-mad, I tells ya!

On the Habs front, The Urologist skated with the team yesterday for the first time. Squid is getting close to doing the same thing, saying he's in no rush considering how well the Habs are doing. And in "we don't fucking believe it" news, La Presse is reporting that The Goat has discussed with Markov's agent Don Meehan about a contract extension. "Contract extension" is something we swear we haven't heard in reference to a Hab in decades.

OK, open thread of love to your heart's content.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Welcome Hunter Bishop!



Apparently The Goat likes his relgious zealotry (yeah, I don't know if that is a real word either). Is he a Hunter? Is he a Bishop? No, he's a Hunter Bishop!

Don't know anything about him? Ditto. But it was the same with Brock Trotter a couple of years ago and he may even play in the NHL someday. Let's hope it turns out more like the Darch/Bergeron signings.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, March 18th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of March Madness...
  • You really didn't miss much. So scroll down and go read HF4's piece posted late yesterday if you haven't yet. It's the feel good hit of the year;
  • Devils beat the Pens, sweep the season series;
  • Calgary won a big game for them, keep Detroit in their sights for 8th in the West;
  • Saku had the winner in the Ducks 4-2 win over the Hawks. There was some sort of ugliness with checks and hits and such and such that we can't quite figure out;
  • Decent piece from Stubbs on Carbo's 50th birthday about that whole firing thing.
Sorry for those of you used to TMS 6 AM postings. Blame Hydro-Quebec.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Habs March Over Manhattan: Habs 3 - NYR 1

What to make of last night's showing in New York City? How do you define the Rangers' performance? Listless? Lifeless? Worrisome?

Yeah, I kinda like that last one. If that's the best Tortorella can get out of his guys in what was a huge game in Manhattan, you have to wonder what kind of commitment he's going to get down the stretch. Maybe the real huge game for the Rangers is their next one against the sagging Bruins. Maybe the seventh place Habs were already mentally out of reach.

Maybe the hint we can take is that we can start to take this Canadiens' team seriously. You've got to like it when a team catches fire just before the playoffs. You like it even more when they do so early enough to avoid the exhausting grind that leads to a last gasp playoff berth. This is a very good mix.

The Habs' play of late doesn't remind us of two years ago when they won the conference and had us seeing a deep run, and it's certainly not the win-or-die plight they've managed to find themselves in year after year. The Habs are looking poised to enter the playoff picture with what we can call managed expectations.

The fact that they're in the conversation at all is quite amazing. A team is going to lose its 200-man games to injury and Montreal has certainly not strayed from that rule this year, but it's the quality of players affected by ailment that makes their position all the more enjoyable. The fact that they are probably going to win over half their games is a stunning reversal of fortune. Long story short, the Habs have no business being where they are. But they are.

We're seeing that they may actually be a thoroughly well coached team, lead by a young understated goaltender who has slowly pulled the spotlight away from the one we all wanted to hand the podium to. We're seeing that the small moves made by Pierre/Bob may have actually yielded essential dividends. Pouliot, Moore, both were strong last night in this crucial game. Both worked hard, nose to the grind, no cheating.

Montreal walked into MSG last night and threw a Jacques Martin sleeper-hold over the Rangers. It made for the dullest hockey you'll ever watch and was an agonizing experience for my ADD riddled existence, but it worked. Two points in regulation in an ugly road win against a conference rival breathing down your neck with 10 games to go in the season. Who's going to moan and groan about that. Right now, it doesn't need to be pretty.

Say what you will about Scott Gomez. He's a very good hockey player. Does he deserve his 8 million? This could be the answer: full points to him for getting ready to bag 60 points despite having lost Gionta for an important part of the season. Full points to him for proving to be the perfect match for Benoit Pouliot who may have been playing his entire career when he arrived to Montreal. Kudos for proving to be a fantastic puck-carrying centreman who'll get you to the offensive end rather effortlessly and get the puck to the right guy just as quickly once he's there. Kudos for not making any noise whatsoever in a room that has been replete with bullshit and drama over the last couple of years. Bravo to Gomez for restoring a sense of quiet honour to the room. It may not amount to 8 million dollars worth of production on the ice, but I'll take Scott Gomez and his inflated salary over 5 million dollars worth of noise and ego. Factor in a few dollars for that kind of personality. That's money well spent.

Same goes for Gionta. Does it ever.

"This one's Optimistic", Thom Yorke would say. Why the hell not. Maybe it's the smell of spring which reminds me of the brisk walks to the Forum on playoff nights when I was a kid. Maybe it's because I actually really like this group and want them to do well. Maybe I believe in the possibilities.

The Habs could have thrown themselves right back into the quest for sustenance had the Rangers taken the points from them last night. It wasn't even close. And it renewed a sense of mounting optimism, dare we call it that.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, March 17th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of getting a Nexus One...
  • Six in a row, bitCHes! Of course, it helped that the Rangers failed to show up. Well, except Lundqvist. And Avery let everyone know he was there with a slash on Gomez after the game was decided. Little Tits scored in his 3rd straight game. Good solid road game. That felt good going into these four days off;
  • Bs take care of the Canes 5-2, thanks to a 3 goal outburst in the 3rd. One of those goals came from Mark Recchi, who tied Guy Lafleur on the all-time list. Recchi and Guy, they're like the same player;
  • Lefas beat the struggling Sens again, letting Habs fans dream of, what, fifth place? The division after a Sabres loss? Sorry, we're hallucinating this morning;
  • Nashville lets the Phlyers have a point;
  • Tampa loses to Phoenix, is sliding down the East;
  • Same thing for Florida, who faced an Ovie-less Caps team that still scored 7 goals;
  • John Tavares had a five-point night in the Isles 5-2 win over the Nucks;
  • Pleks "doesn't want to be a distraction," will negotiate with the Habs after the season. Crap.
Happy St. Patrick's Day to all. Enjoy a breakfast Guiness with these video highlights.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

No Sleep 'till Playoffs - Rangers preview and open thread

With apologies to moeman and the Beastie Boys...

No sleep 'till...
Playoffs!

Foot on the pedal - sound of ice under metal
Habs are running hotter than a boiling kettle
Their job ain't a job - it's a damn good time
City to city, win streak is at five
On location - playing around two nations
Dominictrix never on vacation
Tonight in New York at time seven-thirty
DarCHe do what he do best - gettin' down and dirty
Ain't no faking - no money Pleks making
Going coast to coast watching Vodkov shaking
While you're at the job working nine to five
Bleu Blanc et Rouge at the Garden cold kickin' it live

No sleep 'till

Another plane, another train
Another four-point game
Another girl another night
Another blackface blight
Our Jaro is crazy, he belongs to us
He's pushed Big Fat Wale to the back of the bus
Season's winding down - tick tock tick tock
Seven more wins - playoffs are a lock
Habs should thrash Avery like it's going out of style
Gotta read Ranger Pundit cause it's worth your while
Four on the floor - Andrei's through the door
Little Tits he be back because he's scorin' some more
We got twelve games left to go, JM's got our back
Get seven more wins and playoffs will be whack

No sleep 'till
No. Sleep. 'till playoffs!
No. Sleep. 'till playoffs!

Ain't seen the sun since we started this band
Twenty-niiine, get on the mic my man
"Born and bred Habtown - CBC mine
They call me Allen M, but I'm Twenty-nine
Like a lemon to a lime - a lime to a lemon
I play with oven mitts and FHF women"
Scores near the arena, with stripper shows
Some naked pictures and classy hoes
Step off East - get out of Habs' way
Riding power of Pants to the month of May
Bs, Bolts, Thrash - put 'em all to sleep
And we'll be rocking playoff party eight days a week

No sleep 'till
No. Sleep. 'till playoffs!
No. Sleep. 'till playoffs!
No. Sleep. 'till playoffs! Playoffs!
No. Sleep. 'till playoffs!
(guitar solo)
No. Sleep. 'till playoffs! Playoffs! (repeat) ...

Yes, I know No Sleep 'till Brooklyn is on Licensed to Ill and not CHeck your Head. Don't Sabotage our playoff chances with your nitpicking. Let's do this thing.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, March 16th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning a Paralympic gold medal...
  • Ovie gets two games for his boarding from behind. On the one hand, that's better than the zero games we were expecting. On the other hand, Mad Max got 4 for an identical hit, even though the TSN panel tried to convince us Max' hit was worse. Nice try, panel;
  • Thanks Devils for holding on and beating the Bs;
  • Wings beat the Flames in the battle for 8th place in the West;
  • Edmonton and Columbus played a hockey game.
Bright lights of Broadway tonight.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Was this Not Mildly Racist?

Not even a tad?

I mean REALLY! Do all white guys have spiked hair?

The Morning Skate gets hit from behind on Monday, March 15th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of tearing your Achilles tendon...
  • Ovie gets a game misconduct for hitting Brian Campbell into the boards from behind. Caps win 4-3 in OT, but no one cares about that. Video is below, decide for yourself if it was a dirty hit from a dirty player who gets no punishment because he's the face of the league;
  • Around the clusterfuck, Pens do us a favour and beat the Bolts, AND Malkin gets injured, so he won't be available when the Habs play the Pens in the first round;
  • Sean Avery is the hero for the Rangers, with two goals and a lot of being a pest in their 3-1 win over the Phlyers;
  • Thrashers are denied a point by the Yotes;
  • As a result, the standings look pretty good;
  • Tronna crashes back to Earth;
  • Gui! gets his (gulp) 24th goal in a Wild win.
Over / under on number of games for this hit? 0.5

Sunday, March 14, 2010

TMS Weekend reviews - Habs 3, Bs 2

Bullet point for what you missed while having nightmares of losing an hour's sleep...
  • Well, well, well. Habs win their fifth in a row. 5th in a row? Fifth in a row. 6 0f 7 since the Olympic break. We are finding it a bit hard to believe, but it's true. Frankly, while we may be hot, I don't think we played all that well. But frankly, neither did the Bs until the 3rd period. The winning goal came thanks to a bounce from heaven. Whoopise Tuukka! The beneficiary of said largesse was our best player right now, one Little Tits. Playing on the fourth line. After 1G 1A against the Oil, 2G last night. His second straight first star. Of course, JM doesn't have him on the PP because, um, he's our best player right now? Trying to keep him rested? Fuck if I know. Despite his two goals, the play I'll remember from him is hustling to negate an icing call in the last two minutes with the Habs holding on for dear life. Sergei! Hustling! Also hustling? The Dominictrix (lap dance to moeman, but we're still taking suggestions) who is winning converts with every game he plays. Jaro didn't have much to do until he robbed Sturm late in the game to keep the one goal lead. Enjoy the standings today, because this is the week those games in hand get caught up.
Let's go to the videotape. Too bad it features Bob Cole and Carbo attempting to pronounce Kostitsyn.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Who's Next - Bruins Game Preview and Open Thread

Four wins in a row. People getting healthy. A host of scoring options. A rampant Giant Mexican Chicken.

Who's next?

Our Auld Black and Gold wearing enemies, that's who. The Bruins.

Getting in Tune: 7:00 EST, at the Centre Bell. On RDS and CBC and, for you masochists who can't get enough bullshit homerism from Jack Edwards, NESN (unless there's some breaking news about Jon Papelbon's new strikeout celebration, in which case a breathless NESN will drop the B's faster than Habs fans fill TD Banknorth Garden for the playoffs). Habs winners of four straight, even if the last one was a messy shootout win over the league-worst Oilers. Bruins dismantled the Flyers 5-1 on Thursday and are 7-2-1 in their last ten.

Who Are You? His name is Cornelius Hardenbergh. He has a HockeyBlogAdventure. He definitely won't pee on you if you show up at TD Banknorth in a Habs jersey (I think). He's as rational and level-headed a Bruins fan as you'll find. I know. I find it kinda weird too.

The Kids Are Alright: That Guy Boucher is doing something right in Hamilton, I tells ya. Little Tits? Playing much better. Ben Maxwell, Tom Pyatt, the cameo from PK "F'ing" Subban? All kinds of win. Kinda wish he'd been given a shot with Matt D'Agostini (damn you, waiver wire! Damn you all to hell!!!) so I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my life hating his "Habs circa 1998-2001" level play. Bruins getting good contributions from youngsters Blake Wheeler & David Krejci (each a point a game since the Olympics).

My Generation: Well, almost my generation. Mixed bag with the oldsters, as Hamr and Jaro 2.0 look gassed but Mathieu Darche is the minor-league vet making it tough to leave him out of the line-up, Glen Metropolit continues to play as if his life depended on his next shift, and Hal Gill alternates between shutdown colossus and colossal waste of space. For the Bruins, former scoring hero Mark Recchi continues to contribute, and big fat jerkface Tim Thomas is earning less and less of his big fat contract, having been usurped by the Star Wars bounty hunter/goalie named Tuuka Rask.

Trick of the Light: Which sleight of hand artists do we get to see in between the posts tonight? Knowing Martin, Jaro's less-than-stellar outing on Thursday could mean anything. A chance for Jaro to redeem himself, or another shot for Price? Who knows what Happy Jack has in mind? The Bruins have to choose between the big fat jerkface and the bounty hunter. Personally, I would rather see the big fat jerkface get shelled even though the Habs bombed Rask the last time these two teams met.

Going Mobile: Bruins picked up Dennis Seidenberg at the deadline to add some pop to their powerplay and make some stretch passes. He teams up with Zdeno Chara and Dennis Wideman to give the B's three solid puckmovers at the back. Habs linchpin Andrei Markov is almost all the way back from his injuries, and makes this team a totally different proposition to play against.

Baba O'Riley:
I'm just throwing this in here because a) it's one of the best intros to a song ever and b) it will drive any random Boston fans reading this crazy because it will remind them of noted Yankee hothead and Red Sox nemesis Paul O'Neill's every at bat at the old Yankee Stadium.

Substitute:
The Habs won't have to use substitutes for the Squid and the Urologist much longer, as both are said to be nearing a return. Mad Max doesn't deserve his spot back but he might get it at the expense of Maxwell. For the Bruins, noted whiny bitch Marc Savard won't be embarrassing himself trying to call out Sidney Crosby or anyone else for the rest of the year after that brutal cheapshot from Matt Cooke. Miro Satan and Andrew Ference are both questionable due to groin injuries. Insert your own not that there's anything wrong with that Bruins dressing room joke [here].

The Song is Over:
Yep, it is. Trash your living room like you're Keith Moon on tour. Just don't take 32 sedatives before you go to bed. It won't turn out nearly as well as you think.

Comments, favourite Who songs I missed, anal retentive comments about how some of these songs aren't actually on Who's Next? Share em.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Shame on us all: Habs 5 - Last place Oilers 4 (s.o.)

I confess, I told GG before the game that I wanted two pics, one representing the Habs drowning in Oil and the other depicting the Oilers drowning in poutine.

Dumbest idea ever.

On that note, going to a shootout against the Oilers?

Dumbest idea ever.

So without further ado.



Forgive me.

The Morning Skate for Friday, March 12th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of your prom getting canceled because of lesbians...
  • There are many ways you can look at the Habs 5-4 (SO) win over the Oilers last night. On one hand, we played like crap and should have lost to the worst team in the league. On the other hand, it's two points. On the other hand, Jaro was terrible. On the other hand, we've lost many games we've deserved to win, so maybe this was just karma. On the other hand, well, I'll just STFU already;
  • B's prepare for our Staurday night tilt with a dismantling of the Flyers, 5-1;
  • Toronto is hot, baby! Help the Habs by denying the Bolts a point;
  • Atlanta is fading, lose to the BJ's, which gives the Southeast division title to the Caps. On March 12th;
  • Panthers are slipping to the bottom of the clusterfuck, lose 3-0 to the Avs;
  • Kipper shuts out the Sens;
  • Sharks score 6 goals in the 3rd to beat the Preds 8-5.
Let's go to the video.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

FHF Classic presents a Habs-Oilers preview and open thread

FHF headquarters is crazy busy today, what with all the lawyering and meth taking. So with our apologies, we've had to dig into the vaults to rerun an old Habs-Oilers preview from the 1982-83 season. Given the state of the Oilers today, this is probably way more entertaining anyway.

Waiting in line to see Chariots of Fire details - 8 PM at the Forum. This is not one of the rare Habs games on TV during the week, but at least we've got Dick Irvin on CFCF radio. Oilers are hot like heck, winners of 16 of their last 18. Habs are struggling, winning or tying only 70% of their games this year. The glory days may be behind us.

The newspaper will never be replaced - Oilers D Kevin Lowe somehow already has a newspaper named after him, Lowetide.

Hot like the "computer software program" Lotus 1-2-3 - Mats "Smurf" Naslund is on fire, 10 points over his last 5 games. Can Europeans succeed in the NHL? For the Oil, Wayne Gretzky is looking like he may break every NHL record someday. Currently on pace for a 200 point season. Messier, Anderson, and Kurri are on pace for 100 points each. Think we'll ever see that again? Grant Fuhr continues to solidly backstop a non-existent defence.

Cold like the prison Lech Walesa is stuck in - Habs have goaltending issues. Neither Sevigny nor "I ain't no Gump" Wamsley has been able to really step it up. Could you imagine having two decent goalies instead of two mediocre ones? That would be awesome. Oilers are playing way too well to have any cold players. This is a dynasty in the making, people. You know, if they could only beat the Isles in a playoff series.

It's like the final episode of M*A*S*H - The Flower is on the shelf with some knee trouble. Tripped on a pack of smokes he dropped. He'll never be the same.

Post game adult entertainment - More Heather Locklear, working undercover as a stripper (teehee!) from the hit show TJ Hooker. Enjoy.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, March 11th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the long-term benefits of smoking...
Oilers tonight. Just pray to the Oreo that Habs aren't looking ahead to the Bs.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Habs are delicious in milk

lap dance to friend of FHF ncbeets for the photo

In lieu of a review of a game which none of the FHF seem to have seen, we present you this photo of the miracle Oreo. Just like those people who find Jesus in grilled cheese sandwiches, we can find Habs logos everywhere.

We're definitely making the playoffs now. All praise to the God of Creamy Filling.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, March 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Kobe beating you with 1.9 seconds left...
  • I love winning. It's like, so much better than losing, you know? Habs 5-Bolts 3. Everyone seemed to score, including 2 from Mathieu DarCHe. Wasn't he someone's castoff? The Mexican with three points. Niittymaki gets eaten. Habs never trailed in this game. We like that;
  • Fuck you Leafs, for not putting away the Bs in regulation. On the other hand, thank you Leafs (that felt dirty) for at least denying the Bs a point. 4-3 (OT);
  • Elsewhere around the clusterfuck, Phlyers win, Thrashers lose, and Panthers beat the Wild (fuck you, Gui);
  • So we're still in 7th, and everyone still has a bunch of games in hand. When the fuck do these games in hand get made up already?
  • Oilers are the cure for the Sens post-Olympic doldrums;
  • Nucks rally from two 2-goal deficits to beat the Avs 6-4;
  • Enjoy NHL-level highlight videos of the Subbanator.
Highlights, win, yada yada.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

We're having a playoff math lesson for our Lightning preview and open thread

It's that time of year that when the mathematician in all of us comes to the forefront. It started in the comments yesterday, with L Dude's formula:

Well, the Habs' mission is clear. Just like the road trip, continue to play .750 hockey. With 15 games remaining, that's 22.5 points (let's call it 22). 92 points is more than enough I think.
10 of the remaining 15 games are against teams below the Habs in the standings. Win them. There's 20 points. Take 2 of the 5 remaining to OT. So a mere 10-3-2 record will assure us of a playoff spot.

And then LeDouze linked to the geekiest, greatest page of statistics I've ever seen on the internet. I have no idea what any of those numbers or graphs mean, but it seems to give the Habs a 58.5% chance of making the playoffs. I could live with those odds.

One of the most watched playoff trackers is Mirtle's The Playoff Push. Currently, he is predicting that a mere 87 points will be enough to make it to the Playoffs in the East. That leaves the Habs with only needing a 8-6-1 record in our last 15 games to make it. That seems almost easy.

With a need for us to always be abreast of the latest information about our playoff chances, you'll see we updated the sidebar with some of these links. You'll want to click on them every day, study the numbers and get your inner geek on. They say sports are all about the numbers, and Miss Lloyd up there will get pretty annoyed if we don't take our math seriously. So at the risk of irritating Miss Lloyd and succumbing to her discipline, my reaction to all these numbers is the following:

It's a load of crap.

Want the Habs to make the playoffs? The equation is simple. Just win some fucking games. Beat the teams you're supposed to beat. Avoid giving up cheap points to the teams around us in the clusterfuck. Don't go on any real losing streaks. Play well. Play hard. Dig into the corners, stop backing down on D, ride a hot goalie, play for 60 minutes and you'll get in. As the old cliche goes, you gotta take 'em one game at a time, and the good Lord willing, things will work out. Let's start with tonight vs. the Bolts, previewed in bullet point form so I can get to my Miss Lloyd discipline already:
  • 7:30 PM start at the Bell, though that might be a bit delayed with some Olympians in attendance;
  • This is the fourth and thankfully final meeting with the Bolts this year, with the Bolts up 2-1;
  • Habs coming off their 6 out of 8 points road trip, and the Bolts coming off breaking their 5-game losing streak with a win over the Thrash;
  • Raw Charge is your source for all things Bolts;
  • The Giant Mexican CHicken is carrying the offence now, with Gio scoring in each of the last 3 games. And Peks has goals in his last 2;
  • Puck Daddy calls St Louis-Stamkos-Downie the best line in the NHL right now, and the stats back him up. Stamkos has a 16-game point streak, with 15G and 14A, Downie has a 10-game point streak, and Marty has 7 points in his last 3 games. Stamkos is behind only Sid and Ovie in goals. OK, then;
  • Our Tits need to get going. Big is pointless since he's back, and Little has just one point in his last 6 games. Though I thought at times he was the best player on the ice Sunday;
  • Bolts may have goaltending issues, with both Smith and Niittymaki not having great records over the last little while, though apparently Niittymaki was better in that Thrasher game;
  • Twitter has The Urologist and Squid finally on the ice today, but that's a long way off from playing;
  • Post-game, enjoy the full Danielle Lloyd teacher gallery (sort of NSFW, for hand boob).
Let's see your playoff equation in the comments

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, March 9th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of peace in the Middle East...
Wow, you really didn't miss much. Bolts at the Bell tonight.

Monday, March 08, 2010

From HF29's Famous Last Words Department: "3 minutes left. This game is so over." Habs 4 - Rubber Duckies 3 (SO)

So it was a lovely weekend. Great weather, saw a few friends, Habs take care of business Saturday night. What better way to end it than a Habs Sunday night game? Against a beatable team? Finish off the road trip 3-1 and come home in a playoff spot. Sounds like a plan.

Then the Habs played the first period. Ugh. You know, really it wasn't that bad in the offensive zone. We had chances, just couldn't finish. Oh Squid, where art thou? BEEP BEEP. What's that sound? It's the sound of the Habs' D backing up. And backing up again. And again. 3-0 Ducks. Don't blame Carey, haters. Blame the D.

This game is essentially over. Price pulled. Back and forth to the Oscars goes the remote. There were a couple of highlights in the meantime. Beautiful stretch pass by Gorges to Pleks for a breakaway to get our first goal. Some Jaro-on-Jaro violence. But overall, this game was not particularly entertaining. Habs continued to generate a little offence, but couldn't bury anything. By the third period, it looked like the teams were skating in Jell-o. All except for Little Tits, who seemed to have a spring in his step. But as the third period came to a close, nothing was happening. By three minutes left, this game was over. What's on the History Channel?


Oooh, classic. Fantastic dramatic re-enactment of the Attack on Pearl Harbor from both the Japanese and American perspective. Brings back memories of my father, who was a huge WWII movie buff. This will be a great thing to fall asleep to, and I should get to bed because I have an early meeting tomorrow. Go brush my teeth, tidy up the oven mitts, get into bed, turn on the History Channel. Before falling asleep, I set my clock radio alarm. I check the volume on the radio (I don't have a separate volume knob for the radio alarm) which is tuned to CJAD as always. I hear the dulcet tones of Rick Moffat doing play-by-play. Huh?

What? Is this on tape delay? And now why is he talking about overtime? A shootout? Is this a replay from an old game? WTF? In a daze I switch the TV to RDS. Habs going to a shootout. Apparently, this is what I had missed:

- Dominic Moore working hard in the Ducks zone, picking up a loose puck, beautiful feed to Gio, goal! 3-2, 1:50 left
- Jaro pulled for the extra attacker
- Markov getting a nasty two-fisted slash on the hands from Corey Perry, no call
- Bobby Ryan picks up the loose puck caused by said slash, fires at the empty net, misses
- Habs putting on late pressure, 15 seconds left, beautiful feed from CHicken to Markov, goal!
- Markov to Perry: Suck it, dickface!
- Perry to Markov: Eat my glove, fuckface!
- Scrum ensues.

Just an average three minutes of hockey.

Now, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I hate shootouts. I want to see the NHL go back to 60-minute ties. But if all shootouts had this much drama, I may get converted. Down to the last shooter who needs to score to extend it, Gio shoots and Hiller saves. Sort of. Sliding back into his net, puck dribbles through him somehow, and goal! We have life! Uh, the play is being reviewed? In a shootout? The overlords in Toronto confirm the goal. After a Jaro save, Pleks hits the ice, the same Pleks who hasn't scored in a shootout since before there were shootouts. Goal! An average road trip becomes a successful road trip.

Thanks to three minutes I totally missed.

The Morning Skate is speechless for Monday, March 8th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning an Oscar...
Maybe watching the highlights will give us our speech back.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Attack of the Mighty Giant Mexican Chicken Ducks: Saku's Revenge Game Preview and Open Thread

Terror on the Pond! It's a horde of bloodthirsty Ducks vs GMC! Can Coach Bombay direct Saku to delicious revenge, or will it be fiesta time for the Habs? Coming soon to a tv near you!

Programming note:
This won't be as full of Oscar talk as you think, since I've boycotted the Academy since they stole Best Supporting Actor from the fat kid who plays Jewish goalie Goldberg in the Mighty Ducks franchise. Ordinary People over Raging Bull looks like complete common sense next to that travesty.

Opening credits:
8:00 pm in Anaheim at the Honda Centre (aka the Pond). Live on RDS as always. Habs had the big win in LA last night, Ducks got whitewashed by the Coyotes 4-0. Oh, perfect. Now they're pissed.

Names above the title on the marquee:
You know, the stars. Habs have two hot goalies? Seems so. Ducks have strongest Swiss fortifications this side of Konigstein Fortress in Jonas Hillier. Low scoring? Not if GMC, Pleks, or Gold Medal Ducks Ryan Getzlaf, Corey Perry and Scott Niedermayer and silver medalliet Bobby Ryan have anything to say about it.

Guys hanging around the catering truck, hoping not to get fired:
Let's see ... I don't think Andrei looks fully back yet. Habs defence still a patchwork quilt of hanging on for dear life. Our old friend Chips is still minus 12 and pointless in 3. Did the trade rumours get to James Wisniewski? He's pointless in 4. Actually, when you get shut out in your last game, hot is kind of in the eye of the beholder.

Off the project due to creative differences:
Squid and the Urologist keep this space warm. Mad Max still sitting in the corner for a few more games. Ducks major loss is Joffrey Lupul, out after back surgery.

Straight to video things you might not care about:
Ducks are in a scrap for a playoff birth in the West and have been busy trading. They have former Leaf malcontent Jason Blake, Lubomir Vishnovsky and Joey MacDonald in the flock now, and Coach Bombay figuring out the district lines changed to get Adam Banks up front was a stroke of genius. Watch out for the triple deke after the flying V attack, because that's a game-changer.

Watching a Game: A THREE-PART ACT: Habs 4 - Kings 2, John Leclair is held off the scoresheet

It started with loads of promise. Nice 10pm start. My wife is taking her best friend out to dinner. Got the TV to myself and the west coast is clear for 3 periods of hockey and a night of enjoyable solitude.

I'm into it. Well fed. Pumped after having woken at 6:30 for a half day of skiing. Even more pumped by my Jukari class in the afternoon. Took good care of myself. I'm high on positive vibes. I'm ready for the game.

So are the Habs, apparently!

Gio scores a pace setting game and the Habs are off to an early lead before the game reaches its first minute. Super pumped. I'm totally being rewarded for having taken care of myself. The Habs are now outshooting the Kings 7-0 and there's over 15 minutes to play in the period. 55 more minutes of hockey to go! WooooHOOOOOO!!!!

I'm renaming Ryan O'Byrne Evander Holyshithecantfight.

Oh, the Kings are turning the tide, and knock the Habs off their stride a bit. No worries, I'm still totally feeling it. Nothing's getting me away from


Whoa! How'd that get in there?! I swear I didn't.... it's not because my wife's not home that I think I can just.......arghhhh......

Ok, so back to the game. Things have evened out a bit as the first draws to a close. Oh, a little yawn...Felt good. I'm still totally awake. Totally. Awesome day today really. That first line is skating circles around the Kings. I'm switching back and forth between the Week Oak at CBC and the Benny Houle Show on RDS. I can't make up my mind. Both are equally average tonight. Yawn....Is it midnight? No? Only quarter to 11? Hmm, coulda sworn it was midnight. I'm up though, I'm up. No worries.

Yawn.


First intermission. I should get up and get a glass of water. I'm thirsty. Don't want to get off the couch, the walk to the kitchen feels like an expedition around the globe. I'm so thirsty though...YAAAAWWNNNN.

Alright, let's get this second period going.

Wooooo! Big goal by Michael Moore. I mean Dominic Moore. I'm up! I'm up! Totally awake. I grab the iphone and tweet something about the goal. Habs are back in the lead, I feel this surge of energy coming on.


I wonder if Leclair's gonna pot the OT winner again tonight in L.A. How awesome would that be? How much time is left in the game? Has Alec Baldwin played a shift in this period? Seriously what's up with the fruits on the car? I'm up, I'm up, I'm totally

....

....

....

2:00 am. front door opens.

Wife: Honey, come to be bed. the Habs won 4-2. I saw it at the restaurant.

Me: You went out to watch the game at a restaurant with your best friend? I must still be asleep.