Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, November 30

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of letting Facebook users name your baby...
We need a game, pronto.

Monday, November 29, 2010

The Morning Skate for Monday, November 29

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of WINNING THE FUCKING GREY CUP WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
  • Well Boston lost to the Thrash too, so all of a sudden we don't feel so bad about Friday;
  • Eric Staal had a goal with 3 seconds left to tie the game, but Ovie got the only goal in the shootout in the Caps' 3-2 win over the Canes;
  • Wings sweep the weekend home and home against the BJs in a battle of conference leaders. Wait, Columbus is a conference leader? We gotta read the Western standings every once in a while;
  • If you're in the 514 today and have some time and some blood, why not give it?
While the Grey Cup is awesome, on the flip side we have lots of death today as Pat Burns will have his funeral and the loss of the great Leslie Nielsen. We're sure he would want us to laugh tho. Surely you can't be serious?

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Calvillo to Gio, Touchscores!!!! Alouhabs 3 Sabres 1


This could be an awesome Sunday. After shitting the bed Friday, the Habs bounced back and played what seemed like a decent hockey game last night. After Laval crushed Calgary to win the Vanier Cup yesterday, today the Als can win their second Grey Cup in a row. We are GIDDY.

First, le Club de Hockey Canadien. As you may have seen in the comments last night, yesterday Continental Airlines, the wind, and JWoww's tits conspired to keep me in Jersey and miss the first 2 periods of the game. So I assume it was a good game, what do I know. Here's an idea. Let's you and I watch the long-form video highlights together and see what we missed:



0:00 - Oh fuck, it's Mr. Senility, Bob Cole. At least I'll get some easy jokes from that. And at least he is old enough to know hockey traditions about jinxing and so forth, right?

0:23 - WHAT A HIT by ...? Bob didn't quite catch his name.

1:27 - TITS!!! SCORES!!! (mmm, tits at Scores) Looks like we had about a 3-minute 5-on-3 PP. For a minute there we missed the net so many times I was worried we would blow it as usual.

1:50 - beauty pass from CHicken to DarCHe to spring him in all alone. CHicken really has some offensive skills. Too bad his linemates never do.

2:11 - Bob pronounces melee "may-LEE". It's not like he comes from a country with French as a second language or anything.

2:17  - Josh Gorges attempts to simultaneously leg tackle and fist Jochen Hecht (who Bob calls Mike Greer) during the may-LEE.

3:05 - Price tells Derek Roy to get that weak-ass shit out of here as he calmly stops him with the right pad as he breaks in alone. TFS looks sharp tonight, he may get a sh---

3:45 - Tits, Gio, 2 on 1! Gio to Tits, Tits to Gio, and Gio SCORES!!!!! So many scoring chances and so many misses for the Captain lately, this has made me ferklempt.

4:05 - Carey is gang-banged in his own crease. Bob refers to the crease as the "blue ice area". At least he's not colour-blind.

4:27 - PleXXXe to Gio, sausage pass, SCORES!!! 2 goals for the Captain! I'm not crying, it's the dust in my apartment.

5:00 - PleXXE, Tits, Gio working some magic but a nice Miller save. At least we found one offensive line that seems to work. At least tonight. BTW, did Gomez play this game? He seems absent from these highlights.

5:20 - heroic save by TFS in close with just under 8 minutes left in the game. He's sure to get a shu--- now. Bob finally gets something right when he says "Price is the man again".

5:31 - Price doesn't see a weak shot from the point and there goes the shutout with 1:13 left. It's nobody's fault, I'm sure.

Well that was a hell of a game. While robbed of the shutout, Carey gets his league-leading 14th win, already more than he had all of last season. This weekend is going swimmingly. Let's set up the game that will hopefully make it perfect.

Waiting in line for a Kanuk coat because it's FUCKING FREEZING around here - 6 PM EST start from Edmonton on TSN. A rematch of last year's Grey Cup, won by the Als because the Roughies couldn't count to 12.

View from the Prairies - my Google search for "Saskatchewan Roughriders blog" not surprisingly came up pretty empty. Rider Prider was the best I could do.

Hot like anywhere but Edmonton - Als RB Avon Cobourne dominated the East final with 163 yards rushing and 53 receiving. For the Roughies, QB Damian Durant was full value in only his second year as starter, leading the league in passing with over 5000 yards throwing to the Canadian Air Force.

Cold like these Edmonton is cold jokes - Als' secondary can be suspect, and I don't think K Damon Duval ever fully recovered from his hamstring injury this year and I'm worried about some important late game field goal.The Riders have peaked at the right time, and really have no one cold.

On the sidelines and staying there - Als safety Mathieu Proulx is out with a knee (hurting an already suspect secondary), but will be replaced by Etienne Boulay, so RDS is happy.

Post-game adult entertainment - if you think I'm passing up a chance to post another vid of Als CHeerleaders, you don't know me. GYFA!!!!!!


Saturday, November 27, 2010

CHrack that whip, Black Friday review ~ White Saturday Preview


Auld Bangs Twyne ~ 47 fucking shots, 3 went in, 2 were flubbed, don't blame the big, bald one. Need a recrap of the no-show, see J.T. for her perfectly perfunctionary period-by-period bullet points.
~ ~ ~
Apart from the daily murders, frequent fire miles and digested blue-CHeese dipped CHicken wings at Frank and Teressa's AnCHor Bar, Irv Weinstein and Ed Kilgore will tell you that the Sabres puck packing punk boys in Buffalo blue, blazed and busted the lowly leaf. Speaking of the leaf, they need hilarious help making noise but at least they have their TeenBeatish überfanblogboy james mirtle cranking out mcsploogian gems like this.

Tonight's teams current standings. Your Montréal Canadiens are 5th in the league, 14-8-1 , 6-4-0 in their last 10 and find ways to get shutout. The slugless Sabres are 24th, 9-12-3, 6-3-1 in their last 10 and find ways to keep Rivet out.

Buff blogger die by the blade has a nice logo.

The game is on RDS à 19h, that's 7PM for our Anglo FHFriends.

cbc.ca is streaming the game, WARNING: probably bob cold doing the play-by-play, he's usually bundled up with some other sad Habs-hating-hack.

Yeah its COLD, just step outside, then come back in for some HOT. Why wait, take off the ovenmitts and warm up your hands.

Ryan 'Silver' Miller (17-7-5 lifetime record vs. the Hab) vs. TFS™ (7-4-3 with a 2.10 goals-against average in 14 career starts against the Sabres is 2-0 with a 1.50 GAA this season) should warm the cockles of those that love a great goaltending matCH. No need for this early Xmas present.

Buffalo Captain Craig Rivet is rumoured to be on the trading block or not. Hopefully he gets traded to a warmer climate as we know he hates to shovel. Whilst here, thanks to Bob Gainey for the Josh Gorges+pick(=Pacioretti) deal.

CHocula needs to re-align the PleXXXe~Squid~BigTits line, pronto. Prize fighter PFK might have to be ready for Round 2 of his pugilistic partners after last night. I predict don cherry will rip into Subban. Subban said Bogosian kept asking him to go and he was disappointed because "if you're going to go, go. Don't play ring around the rosie."

Ding-a-lings are thoses,
Crotch's jacket full of po$ie$
Hush! don! hush! ron!
We’re all dumbed down.

The web has sent this daughter,
To play in the ocean's water.
ah-tishoo, ah-tishoo.
Her top falls down.


Speaking of falling down. If you can give a pint and not faint, "The Canadiens will hold their annual blood drive from, 8 a.m. to 7 p.m. Monday at the Salle de pas perdus at Windsor Station. Current and former players will be on to greet fans in the drive which was initiated by the late Claude Mouton and Jean Beliveau in 1981."

~ ~ ~

Now CHrack that whip!

Jacques, CHrack that whip!
We'll give the past the slip
FHF meth is like crack
Bring free ice cream back!

When a problem comes along
You must whip Mex
Before the CHream sits out too long
You must whip the PP
When something's goin' wrong
You must whip the Sabres

Now whip them
Into shape
Shape them up
Get PP straight
Go forwards!
Tits! ahead
Try to deflect one
It's up to Lars
To whip him
Whip Miller good

When a good game turns around
You must whip them
Or you'll never live it down
Unless you whip them
No one gets away
Until they whip them

GG say, whipped it
Whipped it good
iRiRi say, iWhip it
iWhip it guud

[AutoCorrect Interlude]

Kirk, CHrack that whip
Give the Sabres D the slip
Step on Divin' Derek Roy
We don't want Craig Rivet back

When Buffalo comes along
You must whip them
Before the blue CHeese sits out too long
You must dip it
When something's goin' wrong
You must TFS™ it!

Now whip them
Into shape
Shape them up
Get PP straight
Go forwards!
Pants! ahead
Try to deflect one
It's up to Moen
To whip him
Whip Miller good

Go You Fucking Habs!

Go You Fucking Als!





Friday, November 26, 2010

Auldomatic for the People: Atlanta's Southern Rock Preview and Open Thread

Alex Auldomatic for the People gets the start tonight in Hotlanta, just 75 miles from the spiritual home of America's greatest ever garage band, R.E.M.  This thing pretty well writes itself:

What's the Frequency, Kenneth? Live from the aforementioned Hotlanta, 7:30 start.  On the RDS frequency, as always. 

Talk About the Passion:  Is there a passionate Thrashers fan out there?  Is there a passionate Atlanta sports fan anywhere? Maybe at BirdWatchersAnonymous

Oddfellows Local 151: Goalies are an odd fraternity (Exhibit A:  Panger.)  Tonight, former collapsing Russky Ondrei Pavelec faces off against well-rested Alex Auldfellow Local 151 for the Habs.

Superman: Plexxe remains the do-everything, save-everybody man up front.  Atlanta traded their Superman (and apparently a box of kryptonite) to New Jersey last deadline, but has high hopes for youngsters Niclas Bergfors and Evander Kane. 

Shiny Happy People:  Thrashers aren't really that happy being mired in mediocrity, but former Blackhawks Dustin Byfuglien and Andrew Ladd have lead them to three straight wins.  Habs continue to roll behind a rejuvenated Gio, Cammy, and the PK Subban show. 

Radio Free Europe:  Lego scores!!!  Lars gets a reward for all his hard work.  AK46 woke up from his mini-slumber.  Thrashers Nik Antropov is a horrible minus 10. 

Everybody Hurts:  Thrashers Freddy Modin is questionable tonight.  Markov obviously still out. 

Finest Worksong: Hey, who doesn't love the job being done by Gill, Gorges, Hamr and Spacek?  And Alex Picard?  Good for you, buddy.

All the Way to Reno (You're Gonna be a Star): Zach Bogosian went third overall in 2008, right after Steven Stamkos and Drew Doughty and ahead of guys like Luke Schenn, Tyler Myers and Erik Karlsson.  The Thrashers desperately need Bogosian to become a superstar like Stamkos and Doughty. 

So. Central Rain (I'm Sorry):  I'll apologize to Scott Gomez for all the bad things I've said recently when he strings some more good games together.  He has looked better lately, but that's not saying much. 

Strange Currencies:  Big ticket capital of the South Atlanta struggles at the gate and can't keep it's own free agents.  Montreal's tax-to-death government didn't prevent Gainey from splashing the cash a couple years back.  Weird?  A little. 

I'll Take the Rain: 40 cm of snow hitting my old hometown as we speak.  I'll take the rain in TO instead, thanks. 

It's the End of the World as We Know It: Almost.

At My Most Beautiful:  GG11 covered yesterday's American Thanksgiving, but don't forget today's overdose of US College football rivalries:  West Virginia vs Pittsburgh, Colorado vs Nebraska, Alabama vs Auburn, and on Saturday, Michigan vs Ohio State, Florida vs Florida State, LSU vs Arkansas, Oklahoma vs Oklahoma State, and the greatest of them all, Notre Dame vs USC.  Oh, for the days Lou Holtz and the Irish would punch those LA bitches right in the fucking mouth.  In honour of this football awesomeness on a sexy Friday, let us give thanks:

This is my fourth Thanksgiving trying to sell this pic and now that 29 is away I'm going to use it dammit even though I'm a day late!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

HF29 goes to Newark and comes out alive - Devils 2, Flames 1 (SO) and Habs 4, Kings 1

The pre-game excitement at the main entrance was palpable
So last night, thanks to a generous uncle, yours truly was thrilled to head into the heart of the urban nightmare that is Newark, New Jersey, for the Devils and Flames. I'll just make a couple of quick observations before I get to the most important part of this story:
  • The Devils are terrible. I mean TERRIBLE. They have no offense and no defense. Yes, they won the game in a shootout but for the second and third periods, they did even less than the Habs did against the Flyers. And the Flames are no Flyers. They're terrible too. All in all, a terrible game, were it not for a PP in OT that generated some offense finally;
  • If you want to complain about Gomez, go watch Kovalchuk. He did absolutely nothing all night, and he makes way more than the Mexican. I feel better now;
  • The Prudential Center is an outstanding arena. I walked around even up to the upper deck, and the sightlines are amazing. Not a bad seat in the house;
  • Most importantly, there is room to MOVE AROUND. Wide, spacious aisles. Space to walk or stand behind the last row of any section and watch the game. Wide, spacious concourses with tons of concessions and SPACE for fuck's sake. Did I mention SPACE? This is one of the concourses DURING INTERMISSION:

  • Now admittedly there were not 21,273 people there (13,202 according to ESPN) but seriously you could put 40,000 in those hallways they'd still have room. Fuck I hate the Bell Centre;
  • Almost everyone wears Devils gear. Quite impressive;
  • Enough people understood my Kansas City Scouts jersey and its significance and told me how cool it was. This is a hockey crowd, no question. They booed at the right time, they cheered when they felt the Devils needed a boost (the whole game basically) and they didn't need any explanations about what was going on. Good crowd, even with their team sucking.
And now, the important part of the story. The greatest picture in the history of the internet (well, for me anyway):


That's of course yours truly and the Devils Dancers (well, half of them). They were quite friendly. Hysterically, the one to my left tried to cover up the KC scouts logo before the pic was taken, because she said that "only Devils logos can be in pictures with us." I explained to her and her whole gang the history of the Devils. They were so impressed we all went and had sex together after the game. The jersey is a babe magnet.

Oh yeah, Habs win 4-1, and Lego is finally rewarded with a goal. I heard it was a good game. Whatever, I was busy having sex with cheerleaders.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Habs try to avoid royal ass kicking - Kings Game Preview and Open Thread


Fresh off a capitulation in Philly that would make Vichy France proud, the Canadiens try to regroup and hold on to Fortress Centre Bell with a visit from an array of Kings. Throw down the red carpets and rose petals!

Royal Invite Says: Tonight, at Fortress Centre Bell. On the RDS at 7:30. Habs coming off the big collapse in Philly, Kings got royally screwed in Ottawa on the same night.

Serfing the Habs: Price is still hot. Mad Max scored two goals so here's hoping it's a trend. Gomez is troubling everyone. Pleks, Big Tits and Cammy are cooling off. Gio is back on form. Defence is still a mish-mash. Weber might sit for an actual forward on the fourth line (Darche). Habs are amongst the lowest scoring teams in the league and that can't continue if they want to keep winning.

Since we don't see the Kings and their royal retinue very often, let's take a few moments to review this majestic lineup:

Forward thinkers: Kings have an outstanding group of youngsters up front, with vision, leadership abilities, and hip-swivelling moves. Young center Jesus (King of Kings) Christ makes the apostles on his wings better men with his do unto others assists. His ability to take unholy amounts of punishment and shoulder an immense workload despite his smallish frame inspires this team to greatness. Speedy young winger King Tut has the golden touch, making smash and grab raids all up and down the wing/Nile. Sometimes his youthful exuberance gets the best of him, so he is best paired with some veteran advisers. Flashy King of Rock Elvis Presley dazzles with his swiveling hips, matinee idol good looks and nose for the goal. Only his conditioning holds him back.  Whispers about rampant substance abuse continue to dog Presley, despite the efforts of  LA GM Colonel Tom Parker to nip them in the bud. 

Defenders of the Realm: Big bruising defender of the faith King Henry VIII will be ready to take on Montreal despite a festering leg wound; something about the French language always gets the big Tudor fired up. Henry is a ruthless leader on the blueline, and unsuspecting opponents often find themselves looking up from the ground after the notorious headhunter lays into them. The wild card on the Kings defence is the madcap Burger King; after years as a quiet, stoic leader, often overshadowed by more successful rivals, Burger has unleashed a wild side that has made him a cult favourite with Kings fans. His game has expanded greatly from the days when he was only known for his Whopper of a slapshot; now he has a number of different options to throw at you any time of day.

This Gilded Cage: Lanky stopper Charles, Prince of Wales hasn't even fully grasped the reigns as a King yet and already there are those clamouring for him to be passed in the succession line by youngster William Wales. Charles is seen by many as a decent enough caretaker, but fans are drooling over the potential for greatness they see in blond-haired, blue-eyed Will. Those fans will likely be disappointed for the foreseeable future; Kings management is unlikely to flout thousands of years of succession planning on a whim. However, if Charles abdicates and becomes a free agent, the Kings could really reinvent themselves behind Will's charisma and youthful vitality.

Royal Bards:  Up-to-date info on your favourite Kings gets proclaimed from the highest ramparts by Battle of California and Jewels from the Crown

Got any royal proclamations to make?  Anyone hosting a future-king wedding party on April 29th?  Let us know in the comments

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, November 24

Bullet points while dreaming of going from down-and-out drug addict to American League MVP (this story of redemption is Candace Cameron-Bure approved);
  • One game in the NHL last night, and only 9,000 and change watched the Pacific Division leading Coyotes whitewash the Oilers 5-0.  If we haven't mentioned it before, Gary Bettman can go fuck himself;
  • A certain 5th overall pick is leading the All-Star game goalie vote as a write in candidate;
  • Ovie and Semin yuck it up with Kovalchuk after Caps get shut-out ... fat Bruce Boudreau nearly choked on his Double Down he was so mad;
  • Kings in town tonight.  Probably more on that later, if I can get myself organized;
  • For those interested, HF29 is making a rare tv appearance on TSN tonight as the Devils host the Flames.  He'll be the one at the Prudential Center rocking the vintage (stripper approved!) Kansas City Scouts jersey.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Not-so-deep thoughts on Flyers 3, Mad Max 2


As mentioned in TMS, I'm still trying to process my thoughts about the game last night. Five hours later, I still don't have a coherent theme running through my head. So there's only one way to try to come to a conclusion - shit out all my thoughts, random-style! So with apologies to those who do the quick bullet reviews much better than I (Number31, Boone), here are some superficial thoughts about last evening's sporting contest:
  • Well that was pretty dull from a violence perspective. Where were all the fireworks? Despite my desire for peace, I was expecting war. I can't even rant about goonery, for there was very little. Please do better the next time we play;
  • So exciting to see the glory of a francophone goal-scorer in action! A wondrous 50 foot wrist shot that should never have gone in! A beautiful lame duck shot traveling 3 miles per hour deflected by a Philly D between Boucher's legs! Quel marquer talentueux!
  • Approximate time the Habs spent in the Flyers zone between the start of the second period and about 3 minutes left in the game: 0;
  • Here's a list of allegedly offensive players who failed to show any offense whatsoever last night: Gomez, Gio, Squid, Pleks, Gomez, Tits, Gomez, Gomez;
  • Here's a list of allegedly defensive players who failed to show any defense whatsoever last night: SpatCHes, Hamr, SpatCHes, Hamr, Picard, SpatCHes, Hamr. Maybe I am being a bit harsh on the Czechs. They had some moments, like 2 or 3. Not 60;
  • What drug did the Habs take during the first intermission? I want some; I want to be a lethargic zombie too!
  • I know what the drug is, it's the Count Chokula Choke 'em Defensive Shell (available in tablets and 40-minute time release capsules);
  • I don't recall a Habs faceoff win all night;
  • Carey Price is a good goalie;
  • Carey Price is a good goalie;
  • Carey Price is a good goalie;
  • Carey Price is a good goalie even with more men in his crease than in a Jasmin St. Claire sex scene;
  • Yanick Weber on the fourth line is turning into an EPIC FAIL. Srsly, what's the point? IIRC, he didn't even do anything on the PP. IMHO, it's impossible to go from playing 25 minutes as an aggressive scoring D in Hamilton to 10 minutes as a checking forward in Montreal. WTF, why bother?
  • Lego is working his fucking ass off shift after shift more than any player on the team right now. Maybe try throwing him with some actual wingers Coach? Give him some of Gomez' playing time? Or is any of this too logical for you?
  • CHicken showed some real flashes of brilliance last night. CHicken showed some real stupidity on a tripping penalty last night;
  • The moribund PP that was showing flashes of coming around is headed back to being moribund;
  • The last two periods were just a replay of last year's playoffs right? Flyers use their size, Habs can't use their speed and the goalie is left to the wolves. Mmmm, flashbacks;
  • There's a classic Star Trek episode on TV in the background as I write this - Balance of Terror. In the ep, our heroes on the Enterprise (the Habs) battle the evil Romulans (the Flyers) in a tension-filled chess game of cat and mouse played out brilliantly between Kirk and the Romulan Commander. Each side has its strengths, and spends time looking for the smallest weakness in their opponent to exploit in order to strike the right blow to win the battle. In the end, Kirk plays dead in order to draw the Romulans in for the kill, and the Enterprise wins. Last night was nothing like that. Except for the "playing dead" part.
IN CONCLUSION, the sky is falling. Today at least.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, November 23

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a Canadian winning the NL MVP...
  • We're still trying to process our thoughts about last night's 3-2 loss to the Phlyers. On the one hand, you can't win them all. On the other hand, we deserved to lose; we played one good period. On the other hand, we hate the Flyers and that fucking hurt. On the fourth hand, you can't expect to win when basically three or four guys show up. We'll try and sort out our thoughts and give you more later today;
  • And the Leafs won? Fuck me;
  • And the Sens beat the Kings meaning the Kings will be pissed when they play us Wednesday? Double fuck me. Kovy got his 1000th career point btw, only the 3rd Russian to do so;
  • At least the Bs lost, 3-1 to the Bolts;
  • Devils 5, Caps 0. Huh? What year is this? It's 2002 apparently;
  • Stephen Harper and the Federal government hates Quebec, won't build free arenas;
  • Ex-Hab Valerie Bure won Battle of the Blades. Did someone say Candace Cameron Bure? Did you know she's like some religious zealot now? Are we off topic yet?
OK, deep breath.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Blessed are the peacemakers - Flyers preview and open thread


You just knew that there was going to be a lot written headed into this game tonight. Huge grudge match in light of Mike Richards' (NHLPA player of the week!) post-game comments last week about PFK and respect and cockiness and blah blah blah. I was going to dive right into it myself. All sorts of ideas for previews about grudge matches and wars and battles and respect and all sorts of things. Fuck those Phucking Phlyer bastards and their goonery, the shit was on.

But then over the weekend, as you know by now, Pat Burns died. His death kind of put things into perspective, you know what I mean? A guy with more fire in his belly than a hundred Flyer goons and more class than everyone in the history of the Flyers organization combined had lost his battle with a horrible disease. It seemed like a good time for reflection, not anger. Contemplation, not bitterness. And PFK himself has done his best to diffuse the situation. He could have spoken out like he always does and said things like "Mike Richards will get his, don't you worry." Instead, he has shown poise and class beyond his years and let everyone else do the talking. He'll do his talking on the ice, thank you very much. In light of all this, it seemed kind of stupid to play up this whole war, to fan the flames of bitterness between these rivals. It seemed a better time to try to make peace. We can put the ugliness of the last game behind us and enjoy a hockey game that is hard-fought yet respectful. It's time to sign the Camp David Desharnais Accord of 2010.

With that said, as soon as one of those goons takes a run at PFK, the shit will be on. It will probably happen 2 minutes in.

Waiting to smoke the peace pipe together - 7:30 PM start in Philly, on RDS and TSN Habs on BellTV. I don't have to tell you what happened the last time these teams met. Habs coming off a shutout of the Leafs, Flyers coming off a shootout win over the Caps. Habs a mere one OT loss behind the Flyers in the Eastern Conference standings.

Our partners in peace - if we can make peace with the insane commentors over at Broad Street Hockey, we can make peace with anyone.

Powerful like an MLK speech - Squid a point per game over his last seven. TFS leads the league in wins and shutouts. I'd also like to give a shout out to Lars Eller, who continues to play well despite not scoring. Hang in there Lego, you'll get one! For the Flyers, Richards has 4 points over his last two games, and Pronger 3 points over the same span. Of course, given the Flyers' last two games were 5-4 and 8-7, you're going to have a lot of players with a lot of points over their last two.

Cold like Nelson Mandela's Robben Island cell - The Mexican and The CHicken both pointless in 3. For the Flyers, considering their last two games, you've got to consider their goalies are now pretty suspect.

Weakened like Gandhi on a hunger strike - Still no word on Vodkov's absence time. For the Flyers, Carcillo is out two weeks with a sprained knee, and Michael Leighton is still on IR.

Post-peace adult entertainment - Mmmm, naked hippies (nsfw).

Peace out, brothers and sisters.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

GET A SHORTY ~ submitted screenplay/game synopsis

Original movie directed by Barry Sonnenfeld,
based on the novel by Elmore Leonard,
screenplay by Scott Frank,
parodied by moeman.

RATED PB - Contains strong language,
mild violence, great hair, tits.

FADE IN FROM BLACK  ~ R.I.P. PB

MAN'S VOICE; Looks fuckin' cold out there. 

EXT. Wienstein & Gavino's ~ MONTRÉAL NIGHTLIFE 

It is cold. leaf fans walk by hugging themselves, pulling up their blue and white collars (to hide their shame)

INT. CENTRE BELL CENTRE ~ GAME TIME 

CHili PRICE, early twenties, stands in his crease with P. F. KARLO, a (supposedly) low level mob type. CHili smokes a cigarette, stares out his mask at the people in the crowd, CHanting CHili! CHili! CHili!

P. F. KARLO; Guy on the radio said it's gonna get down and dirty in Philly.

CHili PRICE; Let's play this one first. Don't be too cocky tonight.

CHili watCHes a gorgeous #31 Habs-jerseyed woman in the reds pause to tighten the scarf around her CHest . . . She looks through the glass, sees Chili looking back.

P. F. KARLO; CHeck out the CHest on that thirty-one ~ those are a thing of beauty, for CHrist sake! (then) Yo, CHili, you're spacin'.

CHili CHuckles.

~ ~ ~

1ST PERIOD - PLAYERS ON THE ICE, PUCK DROPPED

BOBCOLD; Let's game the game started.

CHili turns to his net and studies P. F. Karlo a moment, then . . . the game starts.

CHili hears LAFFTER on the ice, in the stands and then FOCUSES on the pressbox so that CHili can now see a GROUP OF TORONTO BUSINESS MEN sitting there, one of them is 1000th GM game Brian Burke, the other, Phaneuf. We hear MORE LAFFTER and now CHili turns and looks over at . . . the leaf, even more LAFFTER.

CHili and Bageldog standing by the crease. P. F. Karlo, sucking on his mouthpiece, smiles. 

P. F. KARLO; Bageldog, how ya doin' ya mensCH? 

BAGELDOG; Okay, P. F. Karlo. You? 

P. F. KARLO; I'm feelin' kinda but not quite cocky. Savin' it like CHili.

BAGELDOG: Feels like I gotta fifth of Manischewitz in me, watCH me score tonight.

END OF FIRST, 0-0 ~ TFS™ and Blue Monster can't be beat.

~ ~ ~

INT. CROTCH'S CORNER - stale air, smells like an old unwashed AHL jock.

CROTCH; (back from fighting with his tailor Boudoir Glam) I'm telling' ya, da mob'll kill him. Nobody crosses da mob. Hey, Kid Kadri, polish my shoes.

MCLAME; (smirks, sneers, almost swallows but spits the still warm splooge on Crotchs' clown shoes, flips Kid Kadri a HNIC plug nickel) ; Yeah, I'm with you on that.

~ ~ ~

2ND PERIOD - PLAYERS BACK ON THE ICE, PUCK DROPPED

BOBCOLD; Let's game the game started.

Bageldog focuses on the face-off (Habs won 36 of 54 on the night), goes to the net, tips it, scores a fuckin' SHORTY, waits for acknowledgement.

Chili PRICE (smiles) ; Thats all I need.

END OF 2ND, 1-0

~ ~ ~

INT. HOTAIR HOTSTOVE, (nice new Boudoir Glam suit for Eric Francis)

MADMIKE; Send Collie Campbell a horse's head.

~ ~ ~

3RD PERIOD - PLAYERS ON THE ICE, PUCK DROPPED

BOBCOLD; Let's game the game started.

BACK AND FORTH PLAY, A GAME PB WOULD'VE LOVED

PICARD GETS A STICK TO THE FACE, HABS DON'T DECLINE THE POWERPLAY, YEAH!

SQUID'S MAGICAL STICK; Cammi, scream out Dou$harek's name.

SQUID: Dou$harek! Over here, I'm in the clear!

SQUID (RIPS A HIGH HARD ONE-TIMER, FALLS TO HIS KNEES); Fuck Dude, next time CHeck out the colour of my Pants! Crowd roars with laughter and glee. Burke rips out his hair. A stunned Phaneuf looks over to find his girlfriend.

BLUE MONSTER; FUCK! (Thx Esther)

END OF 3RD, 2-0, Game over.

~ ~ ~

CHilly outside. CHili inside. It's a regular fuckin' CHili-fest. Hey, waiter give Mr. CHili Price a big fuckin' bowl of First Star CHili!

CHili turns from net and low-fives P. F. Karlo!

CHili points to another hot babe in the crowd, flips her the game puck. She whispers 'Call me' or something like that.



INT. POSTGAMESTOVE Again the men all laugh respectfully at BOBCOLD's stupid calls.

CHili smiles the best he can at the idiot . . . Bageldog smiles for the camera.

BOBCOLD; Let's game the game started.

~ ~ ~ 

OUTAKE ~ Rocket Richard and BoomBoom Geoffrion greet Pat Burns at the pearly gates.

ROCKET; We gave you two extra minutes for the nice hair Burnsie.

BOOMBOOM; Hey Pat, did cbc/hnic broadcast your tribute?


FADE OUT to Bleu, Blanc et Rouge.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

It's All About Burnsie

Habs v. Leafs, 7pm, Hockey Night In Canada.

How appropriate.

Enjoy the game, just like a certain former coach of both teams.


As if either team needed any more motivation for tonight. Should be a good one. And we'll get back to ripping the Leafs next time, we promise.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Merci Pat, from all hockey fans

Pat Burns,
great man,
great coaCH,
great career,
~ ~ ~
May you Rest in Peace


Ed.'s (HF29) note - the following tribute was written by HF10:

Early in the summer, PPP asked us if we wanted to contribute a memory to be sent to Pat through other bloggers.  We were only too happy to oblige.  We don't know if Pat ever saw this piece, but we hope he knew he had fans across the whole hockey world, including this little corner of the internet.  We wish nothing but peace to him and his family.

Pat Burns: An Appreciation that Matured as I Did


I was 15 years old when Pat Burns became coach of the Montreal Canadiens. At 15, I devoured everything I could about hockey and the Habs, but the news that the new coach was a former cop from Gatineau didn't really resonate like it would in today's 24 hour-internet-blog-twitter-Sportscentre world. At 15 years old and living two hours north of Toronto in 1988-89, the coach of the Montreal Canadiens made very little difference in the grand scheme of things.

Until I saw the team play.  And win.  A lot.  Burns, Patrick Roy, Chris Chelios, Mats Naslund and the rest had a phenomenal year that got them to the Cup final against a loaded Calgary team.  The combination of Burns' coaching and an All-Star goalie and defender like Roy and Chelios?  Fate. All it needed was some traditional Canadiens firewagon offense and this team was off to the races.

It never happened.  The Habs were always good through Burns' tenure, but never great.  Even worse?  They weren't fun to watch.  I thought they were boring and the antithesis of the great Habs teams of the 70's I first fell in love with, and of the legendary Rocket and Beliveau lead teams my Dad idolized. When Burns left the Habs for Toronto, there was a sense of relief that the Canadiens would get back to being the team I loved to watch, not just the team I loved.

It didn't exactly work out that way.  The Canadiens loosened the offensive reigns, but didn't return to the glory years.  However, Burns and Toronto were a perfect match, as the Leaf's traditional work ethic and grit married to Pat's hard as nails approach and defensive acumen (with a healthy dose of a dominating Doug Gilmour and Wendel Clark, among others) made the Leafs one of the best teams in the league.  By then, I had reached the age where the importance of coaching was much more obvious to me, and living in the Toronto media market meant images of a scowling Burns behind the bench or an intelligent Burns answering questions in a scrum were daily occurences.  I have been a Montreal fan all my life, but my lasting image of former Canadiens coach Pat Burns is of him threatening to tear off a smug Barry Melrose's head at the Gardens in the '93 playoffs. Burns is a Leaf legend, and deserves to be so.

Even after he lead the hated Leafs to new heights, or drove me crazy by moving to an even more hated rival in Boston, I liked the man.  I liked that when I moved to Montreal for law school the owners of the Old Dublin pub had his picture behind the bar.  I liked that his teams worked hard.  I liked that he was bright and engaging and funny in interviews.  I liked our shared Celtic heritage and that he finally won a Cup (even though I didn't like the Devils).  I like that Burns' likeability transcends the sometimes bitter rivalry Canadiens fans have with Leafs and Bruins fans.  That we all agree on the greatness of Pat Burns the coach and person speaks for itself. I wish 15 year old me had realized how good a coach Pat Burns was.  I know 36 year old me does.

RIP Pat.

A Habs Loss In Three Themes: Preds 3, Habs Another Zero

Yeah, that sucked. Again. And what's with all the shutouts? Is it some kinda rule that you have to win by shutout now? Anyway, to reflect the poor effort of the Habs last night, here's another Twitter recap:

GiantTurtleSquid take the night off. Decent effort, no bounces. No one else steps up up front. Goc with a pair. Pekka Rinne. (122, who-hoo!)

And now I'll rip off the bright ideas of my cohorts cause it's Friday and I'm still kinda stoned:

Theme One: Goaltending History

There was over 37' of goaltender dressed last night: 6'6 Andres Lindback, 6'5 Pekka Rinne, and 6'4 Alex Auld and 6'3 TFS(tm). This is the reason I'm not in the NHL. 9 to 12 measly inches.

Which is to say that Montreal and Nashville are goaltending factories. Montreal drafted and developed Garon, Theo, Halak, Price and Vokoun. Nashville can also claim Vokoun, and since he's left they seem to thrust a new unknown into a starring role every year: Chris Mason, then Dan Ellis, then Rinne and now Lindback. Meanwhile, the Goon Squad down in Philly haven't found a goalie on their own since Hextall. And the Lindros Trade was almost 20 years ago. (Those of you old enough to remember Hextall running an ambush on Chris Chelios back in '89 that an al-Queda operative would have been proud of may now freak out about how old you are.)

Theme Two: Cowboy Movies

The Good: Cheering Francis Bouillon. Well done, Bell Centre fans. But I'm glad he's not good enough to crack our top 6. Have a nice career, Franky!

And this:



(For the record, she's 20 so I'm just creepy, not a felon.)

The Bad: Sergei Kostitsyn and Andrei Kostitsyn. They were so bad they don't even deserve the honour of me using their nicknames. Well done on the booing of The Younger, Bell Centre fans. Have a nice KHL career, Sergei.

And this:



(Those eyes would get me to do bad things...)

The Ugly: minus 8, GiantTurtleSquid, combined. Ouch. Count Chocula, let the pushups begin!

And this:


(Okay, I'm excited for Potter, sue me.)

Theme The Third: Sexy Friday!

Here's FHM's top 5 Sexiest of 2010. And here's a link to the Top 100. Now go waste the rest of your Friday doing...um, something.

#5 Blake Lively

#4 Britney, bitches

#3 Kristen Stewart

#2 Megan Fox

#1 Marisa Miller

I'm gonna go get baked and see Harry Potter Part 7 Part 1.

The Morning Skate for Sexy Friday, November 19

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Nathalie Portman in a thong...
  • Maybe we can just forget last night's 3-0 loss to the Preds ever happened. Maybe that will make life easier. Of course, if it exposed how much we may suck, well that's a problem. Dip in the road or first game in a slide? Great opposing goalie or scoring problems again? We'll see we guess. All we can say is GOC! God we love that name. Sounds Klingon. More later today if we can stomach it;
  • Swiss Mister II was called up yesterday to uh, sit in the pressbox?
  • 8-7 Bolts over Philly. My goodness;
  • Bruins really nipping at our heels in the Northeast after their 4-0 win over the Panthers, thanks to Tuukka Rask this time and a Lucic hat truck;
  • Even the Leafs can beat the Devils;
  • Our old friend the Little Fuckity-Fuck got his first two goals of the year including the OT winner as the Stars beat the Sharks 5-4;
  • NHL Wheel of Justice lands on 3 games for Olli Jokkinnen.
OK Preds, we bow to your superiority this morning. You bested the Habs in ice girls' bikini photo shoots. Happy Sexy Friday all.


via good old 25Stanley

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Unforgiven: Nashville Game Preview and Open Thread

 Unforgiven: The Return of Sergei

Tonight on RDS and the mystery TSN secondary feed, noted troublemaker Sergei "Little Tits" Kostitsyn returns to the scene of his (alleged) crimes against team unity to face stone-cold killer Carey Price and a showdown with his long-lost-in-a-fog-but-better-now brother Andrei. Sergei left the wild frontiers of Montreal and headed to Music City to join big gun toting Shea Weber and learn some honky tonk but tonight he and the Predators come into the Molson's saloon looking for a fight after being blown away like tumbleweeds in Toranna last game. Saddle up!

Cast of characters:

The Stone-Cold Killer: TFS stats for the last four games: 4-0, 0.75 GAA, .979 SP, 2 SO. That sound you hear is the wind whistling through the Preds dressing room as they contemplate those numbers.

The Gunslingers: Big Tits and Cammy each have 3 points in their last 2 games. Captain Gio has 5 in his last 2. Pleks has 6 in his last 2 and is on pace for 94 points. These boys are shooting the lights out, I reckon. For the Preds, youngster Cal O'Reilly and old warhorses JP Dumont and Steve Sullivan are leading the way, although none are exactly dead-eye shooters at the moment.

The Sheriffs: The Preds win with defence, and their defence starts with big gun Sheriff Weber and his deputy Ryan Suter. Along with former Hab Frankie Bouillon, the Preds usually make life in their zone tougher than a night at the OK Corral on Wyatt Earp's worst day. Habs D makes second appearance without Russian Gun Andrei Markov. Can old saddle hands Roman and Jaro keep rustling forwards away from the net? Can the Lightning Kid PK avoid distractions from the Mike "Coward of the County" Richards interview? Will Josh Gorges be the unsung hero who gets to kiss the rancher's daughter in the end?

The Wounded: Russian Gun Andrei's six shooter is holstered indefinitely. Halpern's bell got rung off the saloon doors on Tuesday so he might be shakier than a farmhand on hooch. Nashville's Matt Lombardi got conked on the head by a flower pot off the brothel's second floor during a shootout last week so he's concussed.

The Drifter: Funny as hell but still menacing tough guy Wade Belak won't have much to do tonight so he'll drift around unless someone like Travis "Prairie Gumption" Moen stupidly decides to take him on.

The Angry Loner: Yeah, this is the part where we discuss that low-down dirty scoundrel Sergei "Little Tits" Kostitsyn. Word by way of the wagon trail is ol' Sergei is strugglin', with 3 points and a minus 4 in 12 games. He's also reputed to have had some run ins with boss Barry Trotz. What with the Habs playing so well and Sergei still letting his ten-cent head mess up his million dollar skill set, it looks like the Habs win that trade even if they only have tumbleweeds in the press box to show for it. However, keep an eye on that varmint tonight, because the return to the saloon he was run out of on a rail might motivate Little Tits to go guns a blazin'.

The Pony Express: Get yer news on those dirty low down dawgs from Nashville via On the Forecheck.

The Posse: Final word goes to the posse, which has something to say to anyone disappointed this post isn't an epic Tits versus Tits fest. For entertainment purposes after the game, rustle up a posse for yourself!   

Got anything else to say, cuss, or croon about?  Put it in the Grand Ole Opry of comments.

The Game Day Skate gets just a little rant-y for Thursday, November 18

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of another Olympic medal for our favourite redheaded Canadian...
  • Having to go play a hockey game after you've just been to a memorial service for your coach's daughter who committed suicide is not a recipe for winning. Canes 7, Sens 1;
  • That game came in the wake of a fascinating trade between the Canes and Flames for all sorts of reasons. 1. Greek Lightning was involved. 2. Darryl Sutter traded his son Brett. 3. Darryl Sutter traded his son Brett who had been arrested for assault the week before;
  • Jaro lets in 7 goals in the Blues' 7-3 loss to the Wings, their fifth straight loss. Even worse, he scored on himself. That is not a typo;
  • The Bruins were down two men in the 3rd but Tim Thomas held the Rangers off for a 3-2 win;
  • New coach, but the Isles are still bad;
  • The Pens ended their futility against the Canucks with a 3-1 win;
  • Look, originally I had planned to go all out rant-y on Mike Richards and his PFK comments. It was gonna be epic stuff in the best TMS Rants tradition. Then I thought to myself, well, maybe he's not worth my energy. Fuck that little pussy. You lost, your team lost, your team gooned it up and I'm not gonna waste my time on a piece of shit like you and your threats to one of our favourite players around here. Take a look in the mirror you David Booth-destroying asshole. Take a look at your own fucking teammates. You, who wanted to fight Andrei fucking Kostitsyn, want to talk about respect? Fuck you. And fuck the media outside Montreal for thinking his comments may have some merit or something. Oh, a rookie is supposed to WAIT to have to defend his teammates and play hard and do everything he can to help his team win? Fuck you. And fuck the NHL for not even thinking about doing something about one player threatening another. Some have suggested an undercurrent of racism in the comments. I like to see the good in people so I'm not going to fall into that trap. Mike Richards is just an asshole, pure and simple. Not worthy of being a captain. Well, worthy of being the Flyers captain I guess. That is all.
Tits vs. Tits tonight.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

This week in Habs goalie sacrilege: Habs 3, Evil Phucking Piece of Shit Goon Squad 0


I know how much you all enjoyed last week's sacrilege, so here we go again! Look, it's not my fault I'm slated to write up these tough Tuesday night games and TFS goes out and plays with poise to a shutout. You take what's given.

Before we sully this post with tales of Philadelphia goonery, let us recall the simpler times of George Hainsworth. Now there was a goalie! They always talk about statistics and sports records that will never be broken, but that 1928-29 season was something to behold. He played every minute of every game. Suck on that, fat Marty. Out of his 44 starts, 22 of those were shutouts. Fifty fucking percent! Suck on that, Jaro. You know how many games the Habs won that year? 22. Talk about a lack of goal support. They say his glove hand was magic. Take a look at the trapper he had to use. That's right, he didn't even fucking have one! How badass is that? This guy rules. You know who has the Habs' record for most career shutouts? GH. Lowest career GAA? GH. Lowest season GAA? GH. Lowest career playoff GAA? GH. God I miss Robert L.

What was my point again? Oh yeah, I'm a rambling old man and Carey Price is a great fucking goalie.

Since GH was all about the numbers, let's use some digits to recap last night's action:

41 - shots faced and turned away by TFS. Didn't seem like quite that many, and there weren't a lot of quality chances I thought, but maybe it's because he's just making shit look routine now. He almost looked bored on a night of 40 shots. Or maybe it's the poise.

20 - shots faced and turned away by TFS in the 2nd period. Definitely felt like that many. And some quality ones too.

1 - number of head boo-boos to Jeff Halpern after a semi-head shot with a semi-elbow from semi-behind (I'm being kind on all 3). Into the boards. While defenseless.

3 - points for Gio last night, and number of straight games in which he's scored. Remember when we said once Gio and Gomez get going, we might really have something? Well once Gomez gets going, we might really have something.

15.7 - % success rate of the Habs PP today after 2 more PP goals last night. Up to 19th in the league! Andrei who?

Indeterminate - time of Vodkov's absence.

6 - epic PKs by the Habs (out of 6), including some 5 on 3 time. Habs now 89.3%, first in the league.

13,495 - number of penalty minutes given out in the 3rd period. Estimate only.

432,579 - number of Philly cheap shots not called by the refs. Estimate only.

1,378,365 - number of attempts on PFK's life this season. Estimate only.

45 - jersey number of goon Jody Shelley, sent out by Peter Laviolette on the power play with 2 minutes to go in the game in order to goonishly goon. Plus ça change...

0 - number of punches thrown by Mad Max in his first fight since taking boxing lessons this summer. But his form looked good! And he stuck up for his teammates and went after the guy (Powe) who killed Halpern, so I guess that's something.

10 -  number of games since the Goons had lost in regulation going into last night. Suck it, Goons.

10 - douche level on a 1 to 10 douche scale of Chris Pronger and his petulant "let's steal the opposing goalie's shutout puck" business. Phucking Pronger.

3 - more games this season against the Flyers, including next Monday in Philly. Phuck those phuckers. All of you people who argued in the comments yesterday for the Goons as which team we hate most now have Exhibit A.

5:55 - running time of these long-form video highlights after a win.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Winding our way down on Brière Street ~ Game Preview



Stuck in the middle with goons ~ tsn says hostilities are renewed at 7pm, rds has a picture of colin campbell and mcsplooge's buddy pronger but we know that Giroux and Brière will be mentioned all fucking night long on the FrenCH CHannel

TKO'd ~ Canadian citizen Vodkov is down, Picard in, latest PHI rat Carcillo is out

Down for the Count CHokula ~ Let's go Lars, jab, punCH, uppercut, lead with your CHin, break out that first goal

Hot peppers on that CHeese steak ~ PHI is 9-0-1 (12-4-2 for the season)

Still full of angry CHicken wings ~ Our Habs are 7-3-0 (11-5-1 for the season)

In this corner ~ Movembered TFS™ is a star and PleXXXe is well, PleXXXe!!!

In that corner ~ Иван Драго Bobrovsky

Should be a good fucking tilt.

Gonna Fly Now and buy me The Beatles Box Set on iTunes.

In the meanwhile, pop in that Gerry Rafferty 8-track or download the Foo Fighters cover and singalong.

~ ~ ~

Winding our way down on Brière Street
Stick in the head, grovel at Collie's feet
Well another crazy play, you smirk the game away
and forget about everything

This city's fandom makes you feel so bold
It's got so many nutjobs and it's got no soul
And it's taken you so long to find out you were wrong
When you thought the PHucking PHlyers had everything

You used to think that it was so ea$y
You as a Hab still makes me feel queasy
But you're tryin', you're flying' low
Another Cupless year for you and we will be happy
Just one more year because your Gmen are still crappy
But you're cryin', you're cryin' now

Way down the ice there's no red light in TFS™'s place
He closes the door, he's got that kid look on his face
And he asks you "where have you been?"
You tell him you spent time in the sin bin
and you talk about creamy CHeese cupcakes

TFS™'s got this dream about being in CH Pants!
He's gave up the BOOze and the one night stands
And now he's settled down, Jaro's in some quiet St. Loo town
Habs fans finally forget about everything

But you know the Habs'll always keep movin'
You know the Habs' are never gonna stop groovin'
Cause they're rollin', they're a rollin' on

And when we wake up it's a new TMS morning
The blog is shining, it's a post meth morning
But you're going, you're going down

Go You Fucking Habs!

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, November 16

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of setting a Monday Night Football scoring record...
  • The world waits for news on Vodkov. He certainly won't play tonight and various reports have him out 3 months, 8 months, a year, or the millennium. GG11 has her own take on the medical speculation;
  • In prep for the Habs tonight, the Flyers went out and crushed the Sens 5-1;
  • Normally you'd say "wow, the Bs shut out the Devils, not the other way around." Not this year;
  • Jaro allowed 6 GA as the Blues continue their slide, losing their 4th in a row;
  • Speaking of goalies, last week's NHL first star is a certain TFS;
  • Ryan Calllahan had the Gordie Howe hat trick in the Rangers' wild-ending 3-2 (OT) win over the Pens;
  • Speaking of the Rangers, Sean Avery is an asshole;
  • There's a whole kerfuffle about Colin Campbell and some emails, but we're too lazy or disinterested to figure it all out. Colin Campbell will do what he gonna do and ain't no one gonna stop him;
  • We have our first coach firing of the year! Islanders, no surprise; 
  • The Bruins tracked down the drunken chick who kicked a hole in a Garden bathroom pillar, and she apologized. For what, being awesome? The woman is a hero, dammit;
  • Your power rankings people are finally giving the Habs at least a little love: TSN has them 6th, ESPN 7th, THN 7th too.
In advance of the Flyers tonight, we have our first ever reader-submitted Photoshop! Lap dance to habs4eva for the submission. Mmm, breakfast.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

There's a Hab for that ~ Game/App Review

Well that was some PleXXXian 7-2 fun until it turned to anger. Down goes Vodkov, OuCH! Read some J.T. for the status of the CH's D.

Power up your smartphones kidz and make sure your iTuna account has coin, its time to buy some apps.

iSave by TFS™ (Pricele$$)

Description: after deleting your Jaro 1.0 app (don't worry its backed-up), your iSave App becomes your personal Jesus, praise it.

Categories: Games, Sports, CHurCH

Rating:

Language: Spoken in twisted tongue

Downloads: too many to count

Customer Reviews:

"Its so hot it keeps my head warm." ~ Alex Auld

"WTF!" ~ Twitted by Halak's agent

~ ~ ~
iD by Blue Line (cost recently lowered but still worth it)

Description: In version 2 of the pairings, this app grows on you and it plays well with iSave. Use the pivot feature to view Gill in landscape mode. He fits better on the iPad version.

Categories: Health, Sports, PFK!

Rating

Language: Mostly English and CzeCH, sometimes Russian

Downloads: as many as there are blocked shots, lots

Customer Reviews:

"Its genius, like my system." ~ Jacques Martin

"I like using the Gyroscope feature!" ~ P.K. Subban

~ ~ ~
iStaaled by Ass Holes Inc. (worthle$$)

Description: In version 2 of this First Person Shitter game, this app features a WhalerCane that takes out a star Habs player. Enjoy the permanent loop level.

Categories: Health, Sports, Medical

Rating:

Language: @#$%^&*)?!

Downloads: Only works on fucking jailbroken iPhones.

Customer Reviews:

"Penalize what? I love this app!" ~ Blind ref

"Oh brother, though art bad!" ~ Jordan Staal

"Remember to buy that extra protection plan" ~ Vodkov

~ ~ ~
Net Flix by Seven Different Habs (8 free angry chicken wings)

Description: Don't blink using this app as you might miss one sweet goal after another. PinCH & Zoom yourself to PleXXXian giddiness.

Categories: Fun, Fun, Fun

Rating:

Language: ET LE BUUUUT! translates into any language

Downloads: Cane goalie's still cleaning out their jocks

Customer Reviews:

"Shit." ~ Cam Ward

"Merde." ~ Paul Maurice

"I just love using the setup button!" ~ PleXXXe

~ ~ ~
iFives by Two Kids Having Fun (pennies from heaven)

Description: WatCH P.K. and Carey send eaCH other messages. There's text, sound, images and video. Doesn't play well with BBMers.

Categories: 1st Star, 2nd Star, 3rd Star

Rating:

Language: go lo Bro

Downloads: keep em coming boys

Customer Reviews:

"I'd rename it iSmile" ~ Borat Gauthier

"Someone's gonna kill him." ~ glenn healey as blogged by don cherry

"Needs an iTuna song" ~ HF4

~ ~ ~
HabHab Revenge by The 2010 Canadiens (101 years of value)

Description: Based on the AroundMe and Groupon apps, this game is finally here after years of development. A refreshed version uses the team's multi-tasking, GioPleXXXeScoring, bob cole noise cancellation mics, better 3rd period battery time and faster processing power to full advantage.

Categories: Hockey's Greatest FranCHise

Rating

Language: FrAnglais

Downloads: The Molson Family thanks you, keep buying

Customer Reviews:

"Les Canadiens sont là!" ~ anti-CHambre members at the Bell Centre

"Its sucks." ~ brian burke

"Whats a Hab?" ~ the one lonely Cane fan in existence

"This app needs CHeerleaders!" ~ Kevin Lowe

"11-5-1!" ~ FHFrontPageDude
~ ~ ~

iBR by Angry Pure Wooler ($101)

Description: translation app that changes all your text to Québecois regardless of the keyboard language you choose, also available for the AnDruid platform

Categories: Orange, Blue, Grey

Rating

Language: Blue, um I meant Bleu

Downloads: 49.9

Customer Reviews:

"Meilleur que Bleu Nuit." ~ michel bergeron

"I need a cigarette." ~ Louise Beaudoin

"It smells old." ~ CHantale Macabée
~ ~ ~
Remember™ by The Mom ($100)

Description: Memory Minder app for kids, you can keep track of CHores, sCHedules, Mother's Day. Uses built in vibration as back massager.

Categories: School, Sports, Lifestyle

Rating

Language: Français, English, Hebrew, FaceTime

Downloads: Only available using Parental Controls

Customer Reviews:

"Thanks Mom, I love you!" ~ insert your kidz name here

"Its like a chocolate cupcake only better." ~ Moey

"Help my battery is at 8%!" ~ iRiRi

~ ~ ~
Try Finding My iPhone in the Bell Centre by LG77 (you can't afford it)

Description: aka WhereTF!isLG77!?, this is a great looking GPS-based app that uses Voice Control, triple tap and speak the name of a FHFer in attendance at the Bell Centre. If s/he answers, free beer at Hurley's! Doesn't work on the white iPhone 4. Oh, wait.

Categories: Beer, Social Networking, Beer

Rating

Language: Fucking iOS, what else is there?!

Downloads: can only be installed by Bumping your fave FHFer

Customer Reviews:

"Fuck!" ~ LG77

"You CHipped a nail, again!?" ~ Foula at Avanti

"Fuckin' BlackBerry!" ~ HF29

"Help my battery is still at 8%!" ~ iRiRi

"The iPower to be your fucking best!" ~ moeman

~ ~ ~
iPants! by FHFixxx ($10)

Description: your personal stripper app with shake and vibrate, take a picture of your fave Hab or Hab fan and undress him/her with a swipe of your, um, finger

Categories: Games, Health, Business

Rating

Language: Body

Downloads: heh

Customer Reviews:

"Its just like the real thing but I wish I could use it with my ovenmitt on!" ~ HF29

"Hip Hip Souray!", "Two beams up for Captain Kirk Muller!" ~ FHFemmes

"Tits!" ~ FHFHommes

~ Have a powerful day bitCHes, G Y F H! ~