Fear the Situation: Jersey (Shore) Game Preview and Open Thread

Urge to kill...rising

Fresh off the shutout of Florida, the Habs host Marty Brodeur, Snooki, Zach Parise, Pauly D and The Situation in the Bell Centre. Hit the tanning salon, put on your finest Ed Hardy tee, and enjoy the trainwreck!

Waiting in line at Karma, Bamboo, or some other ridiculously named, neon filled, Guido infested Jersey Shore nightmare: RDS and the CBC will show you the goods at 7:00 pm from the Bell Centre. Habs on big one game shutout streak, Devils were on a three-game winning streak before last night's game against Tampa was called midway through because the fucking power went out. Congratulations, Jeremy Jacobs and the Boston Bruins; that time the power went out in the Boston Garden during the Finals versus the Oilers now looks slightly less embarrassing. SLIGHTLY.

Hot like Pauly D spinnin' tunes or JWoww fightin' other Jersey Shore biatches: All hail the Giant Mexican Chicken, which has given the Habs secondary scoring ... or is it primary scoring? (see below). Andrei Markov has slowed slightly, but that's gonna happen when nobody is scoring. Jaro. JAR. O. Stopped a ton of shots again. Shutout again. Kept the team alive again. Where is this team without it's goalies? Down in the Taylor Hall sweeps, that's where. For the Devils ... hmmm ... can't think of anyone who is hot other than OH, EVERYFUCKINGONE. Marty Brodeur is ageless and sets a new record every time he laces on his skates, Zach Parise should terrify every Canadian Olympic hockey fan because he and Ryan Miller give the US a puncher's chance, and Travis Zajac is the 6-3, 200 pound centre the Habs have needed since Bobby Smith left. By the way, the Devils have won 14 of their last 17 versus Montreal. Just sayin'.

Cold like Sammi when Ronnie is shakin his Guido-self on the dance floor without her: Remember the excitement when GMC started clicking and we all celebrated the arrival of secondary scoring? Well, since Big Tits went down, Pleks and Squid are scoreless in 3. Max Pac is also scoreless in 3. Matt "I've got pictures of Bob, Jacques and the Molson Brothers performing a satanic ritual with 3 CEGEP girls and a goat" D'Agostini is scoreless in fourteen fucking games. FOURTEEN. FUCKING. GAMES. He spent time on the "first" line last game. Read that last sentence again and tell me you're happy with this team's development system. For the Devils, when you are cruising along atop the conference or close to it, everyone is livin' large like The Situation in the hot tub, but Patrick Elias may finally be on a downward slope. Watch him score a hat trick tonight.

Busted like Snooki's face after the infamous punch heard round the Shore: You've probably heard the news: Big Tits has knee trouble and is out for up to six weeks. Little Tits is still a few games away, and Rhino is questionable as he returns from family matters in B.C. Jersey is missing defender Paul Martin indefinitely with a broken arm, Dainus Zubrus indefinitely with a busted kneecap, and valuable winger David Clarkson has leg issues.

Watchu lookin' at? You gotta problem wit' us?: We have no problems with our good friends the Ookies over at Interchangeable Parts. Any lovely ladies who can keep their senses of humour after willingly watching Devils hockey year after year are okay in our books. We're almost positive neither of them have hooked up with Pauly D or The Situation.

Post-game adult entertainment: Grab some Crystal and join JWoww, Snooki, The Situation, Vinny and Pauly D in the hot tub. Just make sure you take a shower afterwards.