Little People Can Do Big Things Like Bullet Point Previews When Timing is of the Essence (Thanks, NBC and Point Park University Commencement)

So the original title of the preview was "Little People can do big things, but they're on a deadline because of the stupid schedule and the Igloo's dumbass decision to rent the rink to some fourth-rate Pittsburgh trade school for their graduation while their defending Cup champs/main tenants are defending their title so it's all bullet points and quick thoughts preview," but that was just a wee bit too long for Blogger. But the point is made, we had no time to think thanks to the schedule. Hey, bullet points are quick! Let's do bullet points! Herewith, our team effort series preview, all thanks to Point Park University. Fuck them and their convocation Saturday and their most famous alumnus, that used-to-be-funny-now-right-wing-asshole Dennis Miller.

The Goalies bullets by Panger:

• Halak needs to channel the ghosts of Vezina and Hainsworth and Durnan and Worsley and Plante and Dryden and Roy for the Habs to have a chance. He could steal a couple - but 4 is asking a lot.
• JM better not give another start to the Fat Whale, even if Halak gives up 5 and gets the hook 2 minutes into the first. Even if Halak's appendix bursts. Even in the event Jaro needs a limb amputated. Should he actually pass out on the ice due to sheer exhaustion, JM better strap him to the posts a la Milhouse.
• Fleury, like Theodore before him, just needs not to self destruct. Like if he went back to those hideous yellow pads.

The Defense bullets by HF29:

• Hal Gill;
• Hal Gill;
• Hal Gill;
• Did we mention Hal Gill? Talk about a story. Not re-signed after winning the Cup with the Pens last year. Played like a MONSTER the whole Caps series, blocking every shot he could see and basically being 1.5 players on the PK;
• Along with his partner Josh Gorges, USS Gill helped shut down the Caps offense. Can they do the same to Sid, Malkin, et al? Won't be easy. Sid plays a much grittier game than Ovie, down low and against the boards and behind the net, always a bull with the puck. You can't just get in front of him as he comes down the wing and block his shots like they did with Ovie;
• Is something wrong with Markov? Played a lot of minutes against the Caps but didn't really dominate in any way. We would love to see a return of the Markov we saw just after he came back from the injury;
• Habs D wildcards: PFK, The Urologist, and Jaro 2.0's mysterious infection of death;
• The Pens D is not the Caps D. They can't be as easily exploited. Gonchar is not as bad a defensive liability as Mike Green was. Like Gonchar, Goligoski and Letang also get points;
• Then they have some shutdown D your average joe sports fan never heard of - Eaton, McKee and Orpik. All of them were positive +/- against the Sens;
• I'm out of D bullets. What am I, a hockey expert?
  

The Forwards bullets by HF10:

• Someone needs Andrei to spread the goals out a little. Three in a seven game series good; all three in one game less helpful.
• Chicken sure can skate better than Gui. He got replaced by Travis Moen on the top line. Enough said.
• Giant! Mexican! MoeMan! Played some inspired hockey versus Ovie. The ante just got upped.
• JagrPleks was fairly quiet after Game 1's heroics, wasn't he? But Cammy is full value right now, getting goals early and often.
• Habs got fantastic work from the ditch-diggers. Mad Max is ready to re-annoy Sid. Dominic Moore scored that goal. I wouldn't trade throw-in Tommy Pyatt for Chris Higgins straight-up right now. Metro needs to get back to full-strength but he's almost there.
• Jaro's crease just got more crowded, because unlike the Caps, Pens are coming full speed towards the blue paint. Jordan Staal, Bill Guerin, Max Talbot, Chris Kunitz, Pascal Dupuis and Tyler Kennedy won't have any issue with getting ugly goals.
• Matt Cooke: Still a cheapshotting ass.
• Here's hoping Malkin stays asleep. Deadline addition of Alex Ponikarovsky didn't help as much as the Pens hoped. Ruslan Fedetenko always seems to score one back-breaking playoff goal.
• Looming over everything is the FACE OF THE LEAGUE (Bettman's fantasy) himself. With Malkin sleepwalking most of the year, Crosby has single-handedly dragged this team whereever it needs to go. 14 points in the first round. 14. 51 goals in the regular season. An Olympic gold. Impossible to knock off the puck down low. Not too get too McSploogy, but Sid the Kid is a hockey-playing terminator right now and far and away the best player on the planet (in my opinion.) Fun fact: He has 25 career points in 18 games versus his childhood favourites. He's 22 fucking years old. We could be writing this paragraph for another 15 years.

Some closing random bullets:

• Game tonight is at 7 PM, on the See Bee See. We're getting Bob Cole according to Stubbs. Great, now I'll be slitting my wrists watching Benny Brunet;
• Pens won 3 of 4 from the Habs this year. Meh. But it's a whole new season!
• Here's The Pensblog's excellent take on the Habs and the series. Honest and accurate (and funny as always). What's wrong with them today? We expected way more hating;
• Chris Lee is one of the refs tonight. Fuck Chris Lee and Fuck the NHL. Seriously, Fuck;
• Fleury, Talbot, Dupuis, Letang are all "playing in front of friends and family" as they say. That smells trouble;
• Special teams are important;
• When you start writing ridiculous obvious tripe like "special teams are important," you are officially out of bullet points.

So that's it. The pants are off, the beer is poured and the puck will be dropping soon. This is your open thread in case that wasn't clear or you're drunk already. Go you fucking Habs!!! Go you fucking Pants!!!