INT. The tastefully decorated dining room of HabsFan29.
HF29: Thank you all for coming and joining us for the first annual FHF passover seder. I am deligh--- BOONE GET AWAY FROM THAT SCOTCH. We've got four glasses of wine to drink.
Boone: Fuck off.
HF29: Language, Michael. This is a tasteful, meaningful occasion.
Boone: Look you little pissant shit, this isn't the HIO comments section and you're not my dickface of an asshole editor. I will fucking speak the way God intended us to fucking speak.
HF29: As I was saying, I am delighted so many of the Montreal Jewish hockey community has gathered here to celebrate our people's release from bondage. Tonight, we will tell the story of---
Squid: Is this going to take long? I've got somewhere I need to be.
HF29: No no, don't worry. A few prayers, a quick nosh, and you're outta here. Six, seven hours tops.
Squid: Uh, ok. Excuse me, I just need to uh, use the washroom.
Sound of door closing and glass breaking
HF29: Hope he's ok in there. No one else has anything they'd rather be doing, right? Jeff?
CHallah but for the next eight days Matzoh: No no I'm good. I once skipped a game for Yom Kippur, so this is no big deal. Plus I'm injured. I can stay all night, though I should be reclining.
HF29: It's time to ask the four questions. We need the youngest person here. GoldenGirl, what happened to Squid?
GG: (peeking under the table) He just scored! WOOOO!!!
HF29: Put that iPhone away.
GG: I was just, uh, checking on my kids.
HF29: OK now it's time to recall the ten plagues---
A loud BOOM interrupts
Boone: What the fuck was that shit?
HF29: Just the meth lab in the basement. Ignore it. We can now enjoy the festival meal.
Matzoh: Mmm, this dessert is delicious.
HF29: Jeff, you can't eat that Danish I got at a coffee shop. It's passover.
Matzoh: Whoops, sorry about that. I better go to the bathroom to uh, get rid of it.
Boone: I better go with him.
HF29: And now it's time to open the door to welcome Elijah the Prophet. GG, go open the door. LEAVE THAT FUCKING IPHONE HERE.
GG: (opens door) Whoa there's a short little Jewish guy here. Looks kind of like Gary Bettman.
Bettman the prophet: After careful study the results of which I will ignore to substitute my own opinion, this seder is doomed to fail. From now on I decree that all passover seders shall only be held in the Southern States. So it shall be written, so it shall be done.
GG: Back in a sec, just need to use the bathroom.
HF29: (stares at empty table for 20 minutes) That's it, I give up. If only there was someone who could take control and lead us to the Promised Land...
HF29: NEXT YEAR IN JERUSALEM BUT FFS NOT DURING THE PLAYOFFS
Fin
*****************************************
Wandering around for 40 years waiting - 6:30 PM start at my cousins'. For the rest of you, 7:30 start at the Bell and of course it's on the concussion-loving CBC. If there's one good thing about tonight for the Jews, it's that it will be mercifully free from the plagues of Cold, Galley, Healy and Cherry.
Keep those un-kosher crackers out of your Stanley Cup of Chowder.
Hot like the desert sands on the Jews' sandaled feed - Mom of 29's brisket kicks ass. And her delicious kugel. Oh, and Squid, Gio, Gomez, PFK and TFS.
Flat like matzoh - The Bruins big forwards (of both size and stature) like Lucic and Krejci have sucked. And their defense is no prize either. Tom Thomas' rebound control.
Bleeding like a slaughtered lamb - no official word that the Shaved Gorilla playing, but he was on the ice this morning so I'm sure he'll go. No word on Tits though he also skated this morning, and CoaCH Moses won't announce his lineup until close to game time.
Post-seder / post-game adult entertainment - You don't have to be Jewish to enjoy these 30 Hottest Jewish Women Under 40.
GYMatzoh-lovin'FHG!
I went to the coffee shop looking to buy a Glenn Healy. They told me someone may have deposited one in the toilet, but not fish it out. I went anyway, but it had been flushed. Too bad that entire crew of hacks at CBC can disappear too!
ReplyDeleteOy dats funny stuff.
ReplyDeleteAlso, that top 30 list never gets old, seriously. Off to the Bar Refaeli.
29, save me a little of Mom's kugel will ya?
29 - you totally screwed up your impression of Boone. He swears way more than that. And his editor is better described as a "FASCIST dickface of an asshole editor".
ReplyDeleteGet your facts straight...
(I keed, I keed because I love!!)
I enjoyed the 30 HJGUT, Brook Burke, stands out for me.
ReplyDeleteHave a great Seder.
I knew you guys were jews but i didn't know you were hebrews... mazletaf or however you spell it and good luck with everything!
ReplyDeleteI'm not Jewish but I'm a big fan of Harrison Ford. I'm pretty sure Adam Sandler said he was the guy who was 1/8th Jewish...
ReplyDeleteAnywho I was just wondering if there was any word on whether Zden'eau (as in 'no water') was playing tonight. I kind of hope so, just to hear the decibals amped up by a few dozen.
I can't fucking work with the game less than 5 hours away! Not saying shit to the Bumbling B's fans in the office. Don't want Karma bitch-slapping me before Thursday night's sweep.
Good be smited! I'm looking forward to Great Friday!
Please, on this hliest of days - I ask for nothing except a competent effort from the Habs.
ReplyDeleteNow GYMFCHG!
sorry...should have been - "holiest"
ReplyDelete@Kmaxx: I'll see your 'competence' and ask for a win
ReplyDeleteBegone pestilential B's
GYFHG!!
I am honoured, of course, to be making a guest appearance on a site devoted to Judaica and pornography.
ReplyDeleteI would point out, however, that verisimilitude is somewhat wanting because unlike my great and good friend LG77, I am not compulsively and unimaginatively foul-mouthed.
And I understand hockey.
But on the eve of this great religious celebration, why emphasize what divides us?
Happy Passover everyone.
And remember what Moses said when he came down off the mountain:
"The good news is I got Him down to 10. The bad news is adultery is still in there."
Please God, let this not be another 1996 (2-0 up on the Rangers, come home and then lose four straight) or 2006 (ditto, except with the Whalercanes).
ReplyDeleteGo Habs Go.
Did anyone see the Boston cream donuts at Timmy's around Montreal?
ReplyDeleteThey've added the CH logo to them!
All Hail Tim Horton (the donut shop not the Laffs deceased defenseman).
Are Boston cream donuts Kosher?
If dipped in meth or scotch?
GYMFBroonSlayingHG!
@Michael - ZING. As always, your words wound me, my friend. Good thing I take neither them nor you particularly seriously... *cough*
ReplyDeleteAt least we still have our cranky brand of sarcasm to untie us.
@GG: your work NEVER loads at the office but did just now?!
ReplyDeleteWOW, super cool, I'm all verklempt (spelling?) *sniff*
Truly great stuff
GYMFBSHG!
Competence and all business - for Patches.
ReplyDeleteGYMFHG...and the CotU media can go Schtupp themselves.
@bill 10-4 On this holiest of days and after the season that we, the most devout of Habs fans, have endured, please remember the immortal words of the Sacred Goat and of, I believe much later that same day, HF29 - when they described the team as competent. Competent = "the system" = a win for the Habs.
ReplyDeleteI therefore ask, as I did before Game 1 and Game 2, only for another competent performance.
I'll be at work today, following the game through this comments section. Keep me posted FHF!
ReplyDeleteWV: If the Habs lose i would be sadde.
@Mr. Natural
ReplyDeleteif you get your techie-dudes to look at the site, all restrictions will come off. it worked for me.
did you guys "out" Boone for swearing to pay him back for telling us all GG's real name? (twice)
outed as a swearer? he's a journalist. nothing to out
ReplyDeleteWell, given the zero-tolerance policy at HIO, I assumed he was an alter-boy or the jewish equivalent.
ReplyDeleteSounds like we will be seeing Tits tonight.
ReplyDeleteI hope Choucula sits Chicken instead of Swiss Miss II
ReplyDeleteHeard SM2 might be on D+O duties. No CHicken?
ReplyDeleteG Y F H G!
@LG - if only cranky sarcasm could untie me, my life would be perfect, but as it is I'm constantly tangled in messes that my cranky sarcasm just makes worse. Fortunately I have you and the rest of the FHF chosen people to keep me entertained, so life's no so bad.
ReplyDelete@moe - I'm looking forward to seeing Tits tonight... last time I saw Tits at the Garden, I was reminded of our quest for the mythical "power forward", which I had thought was like a quest for a unicorn ... just when you think you've found one, it gets smashed into a stanchion.
Facts that can not be disputed.
ReplyDeleteAnother good word for Chocula.
New exam room, no computer. I guess I won't be watching the Habs while my students suffer away.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I can whip up a quick multiple choice exam....
mcsplooge says Bell Centre fans booing the shaved gorilla will amount to squat. Says being booed is seen (by the player) as a sign of respect. Uses PFK! being booed as an example. Twisted fuck.
ReplyDeleteGFYMCSPLOOGE!
ALL BUSINESS. FOR PATCHES.
ReplyDeleteGO YOU FUCKING HABS GO!
ok leaving soon to go pray and eat and so forth. be excellent to each other and GYFCHG
ReplyDeleteis it 4:30 yet?
ReplyDeletecan't-fucking-wait,
fuck da broonz
go you mother fucking competent pants go.
@ moe, pee-air knows, he's michael's guru
techies ran in an internet feed. woo hooo
ReplyDelete@soperman: Happy invigilating!
ReplyDeleteand again, GYFHG!!
thanks Bill 10-4
ReplyDeleteit really freaks them out when you stand at the back of the room for five or ten minutes...
tsn showed the PatCHes! hit twice and jon loo says the Habs need to play a road game. Um, maybe CHeck the Habs at home record.
ReplyDeletePathetic
ReplyDeleteSo John Lu (Loo? both names mean crapper) thinks the Broons have them just where they want them?
tsn showed the PatCHes! hit 2 more times going into commercial to hype their next 1/2 hour where they will show it again. Stay classy toronto-based tsn.
ReplyDeleteanother great article on Canada's ugliest clown;
ReplyDeletehttp://www.themetropolitain.ca/articles/view/964
fuck the broonz
GO HABS GO MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!
I missed 2 views of the PaCHes! hit on tsn, that is 6 in the first 31 minutes with more coming ... KYP.
ReplyDeleteGreat article ti-cul, i especially hope Cherry reads this line.
ReplyDelete"There may not be anything overtly homoerotic about watching one man pummel or severely injure another, but the parallels still exist; the build-up, the dance, the…release."
tsn showed a modicum of integrity and only mentioned the PatCHes! hit and did not replay the images. The 6 times they did show it they did not include the amp'd up sound.
ReplyDeleteNice find ti-cul. Merci.
ReplyDeletehalf an hour bitches!!!!
ReplyDeletego Habs and fuck da ba-broonz
shit you not, vw aquhabs
dry, chara, dry.
ReplyDeleteI am done with Sergio, what the fuck is with the filter tonite, three times I have gone to log in for Google ID
ReplyDeleteI see a PFK goal, a rush, a split defence and a deke.
ReplyDeleteGYFHG
i see chara sitting at la cage trying drink enough water....
ReplyDeleteWV - "asksheak" as in "I would ask sheak but i don't know where he is...."
cbc/hnic says after the 'aftershock' of the shaved gorilla going dry that it is 'great news!' that he is playing.
ReplyDelete@Ukee: I like LOL.
ReplyDeleteJesus H. CHrist (sorry for referencing the other team at this sacred time) what the PHuck is going on in the cotU?
Is it me or are they getting worse. Discuss amongst yourselves.
I guess it's that way in everything, Exp. Roman Empire good, great then bust-o.
I have a question to all those non practicing CHristians hanging around here (notice how Jehovah has no CH in it) if I want to express my respect by eating unleavened bread but do not have any, is it OK to eat regular bread?
Also if I can eat regular bread is it OK if I choose rye?
If it's OK to eat rye bread, do you think I'm bending the rules a little if I have two slices and separate them my a medium fat at the Kosher deli on the main?
just asking...
Go You Mother Fucking Habs GO Go Go!
Phuck da Broonz, da shaved ape, PHucked Phaced Marchand (every time I see his shit eating grin I have the urge to pound my fist into his face, but now that I think of it not so much grinning of late) Cherry and most of all my new favorite P(ussy) J(erk off) Stock, dear Lord please remove him to a better place.
PFK, TFS, Tits, DDD, Lego, Mex, Hammer, Pyatt (who the fuck was that in the Broonz end the other night!) all you beautiful guys (NTTAWWT) Go you Mother PHuckers Go!
And of course Die PHucktards Die!
That is all.
cbc/hnic all trying to find solutions for the bruins. I ask. Why?
ReplyDeleteinspired by you Mr. N.
ReplyDeleteDry Babroonz Dry
and fuck da brooonz
@moeman
ReplyDeletei would not worry about hnic looking for solutions for the broons. look at how well that strategy worked out for the leaf...
@moeman, might as well give it up man, hnic crew all despise les Canadiens for various reasons. Fuck them all. Lets watch RDS.
ReplyDeletedrop the puck already.
ReplyDeletethe waiting is killing me
Rask.
ReplyDeleteheh, mystique about being a bruin. Sure.
ReplyDeletenow now Mr. Cherry tells me the guy's name is Task.
ReplyDeletei can hardly wait to see Rask start with the hissy fits against his own D.
Fuck da leaf!
ReplyDeleteHoly Shit. Beliveau with the torCH!!!!!
ReplyDeleteBurn Bruins Burn!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteFuck dem all
ReplyDeleteLove the opening. *wipes tears*
ReplyDeleteGYHG! *blows kisses*
i am losing some definition on my ten foot screen
ReplyDeletetried to convince a colleague he was way too sick to go to the game tonite.
ReplyDeleteI think even on his deathbed he would have gone
B's head fake, tiny tim is in.
ReplyDeleteTOO MANY MENNNNNNNNNN!!!!!
ReplyDeletehistory repeating itself???
ReplyDeleteTMM
HAHAHAHAHAHA
FUCK
ReplyDeleteack
ReplyDeleteFUCKKKKKKK
ReplyDeletehnic'ers are happy
ReplyDeleteand another great save by Price
ReplyDeletegald to see he's on his game
I don't like how the Habs are looking tonight. Probably cause they're playing catch-up.
ReplyDeleteBetter cash in here.
What a fucking asshole.
ReplyDeleteheh, the shave gorilla will have to maim someone before he gets a penalty. Oh, wait.
ReplyDeleteHabs are discombobulated. C'mon boys.
ReplyDeleteCAREY
ReplyDeleteCAREY
CAREY
Maybe home ice is a disadvantage this year. Worse case scenario, last game is played in Boston.
ReplyDelete1st bonehead penalty?
ReplyDeletegomez for a change
galling is disgusting
ReplyDeleteDOUBLE FUCK
ReplyDeleteSighhhhhhhhhh. :(
ReplyDeleteoy oh boy
ReplyDeleteThis is because I'm not wearing the same shirt as Saturday, right?
ReplyDeleteEven Kirk looks deflated...
I thought glee was on Tuesday night. hnic'ers are sick.
ReplyDeleteWow, they're TERRIBLE. Talk about a bunch of headless showboats. A bunch of individuals on the ice, not the team that did it all this season.
ReplyDeleteIts almost as if galling played for boston.
ReplyDeletewe are in the suck
ReplyDeleteBrunet just refered to CHicken as 'Benoit' just like he did w/ Guillaume. Hmmm...
ReplyDeleteWe've seen better. Looks like Jekyll/Hyde came to the playoffs too! And I've seen enough of Pouliot.
ReplyDeleteMaybe they all went to the Seder and had a bit too much wine?
GYFH!!!
Wahhhhhhh.
ReplyDeleteSTFU 40 minutes left to play.
GYFHG!
Im sorry but we just have to win this fucking game. HNIB is unbearable.
ReplyDeletelet's be honest and admit it was never going to be a Habs sweep.
ReplyDeletenot to say it wouldn't have been nice ....
we're coming form behind and that's when we screw up the most.
they'll regroup
CHag sameaCH folxx! I had refrained from commenting during the game out of superstition., but now I guess it doesn't matter much.
ReplyDeletesome notes on the game so far.
1. fuck all pregame ceremonies, they just up the pressure
2. fuck white towels...
3. fuck taunting the other goalie, that's always backfires, makes them feel too important.
4. fuck you CHicken you're inept!
5. fuck you SpatCHko step aside if you are not up to the game. Feign an illness or something.
6. nice timeout CHokula for once!
7. GYFHG!!!!!
Kill that moron's penalty and keep pushing, boys. Please. How do you scratch Weber but keep playing CHicken?
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna be sick.
ReplyDeleteGet the demons out now boys.
ReplyDeleteWhy do they always have to make it so hard for themselves? Just like in the regular season, every important game or every opportunity to grab 1st in the NE, well, you know the rest...
ReplyDeleteAnd I realize I am being a total Debbie Downer right now. Apologies!
ReplyDeleteNo such thing iRiRi as we are all down but not out.
ReplyDeleteT I T S !!!
ReplyDeleteBIG TITS!
ReplyDeleteAK46!!!
ReplyDeleteFuck Yeahhhhh Tit$$$$$!!!!!
ReplyDeletehey, bob cold STFU!
ReplyDeleteI'm not opposed to a Bobby Clarke special at this point. Chicken make yourself useful!
ReplyDeleteJust as I'm typing ... TITS!
Win or lose, they got two lucky goals but AK46 made Chara look like a drooling pylon.
ReplyDeleteheh, hnic finds a non penalty to the Habs. Nice work fuckers.
ReplyDeleteLots of time.
ReplyDeleteAll that effort to keep the puck in and...Cammy misses the pass for what would have been a good shot :/
ReplyDelete"If you thought at the beginning of the series that the Habs would win four straight, I believe that you were alone in that thinking" - S. Momesso
ReplyDeletemy choice is this hockey game or a crazy Belgium cops/bad guys/zombie movie
ReplyDeletethey both have violence
mindless behavior
and shots that don't work
T I T S 2 !
ReplyDeleteMake that P L E X X X E !!!
ReplyDeleteSUPERPLEXXXE!
ReplyDeletePleXXXe!!!
ReplyDeletewv: eforts
O_______________________O
ReplyDeleteCan ya feel the cbc hate?
ReplyDeletewas just thinking how hungry they came out
ReplyDeleteand it's a one goal game
GHG and kick some Bear ass
12 minutes left. GYMFHG!
ReplyDeletegary galling sucking bear dick, again. Why?
ReplyDeleteBe still ...
ReplyDeleteso close
ReplyDelete(and yet so far)
*screams into pillow* !!!
ReplyDeleteLucky win.
ReplyDeleteNOOOOOOOOOO
ReplyDeleteNo booing.
ReplyDeleteNo leaving.
Not boston.
and the nail in the coffin
ReplyDeleteoh well
there is the next game
Nice effort over the second half, even though it was a tad too late. More business needed.
ReplyDeleteON. TO. THE. NEXT. ONE.
Was good 'til they pulled Price for the empty netter. A little less head out of their asses and more alertness next time please. That first half they played like crap. A fry up Pouliot on the BBQ. He's done. Also someone has to bury those wide open nets with a little more gumption. Trickling it to the net won't work 'cause Thomas over-works himself to make it look like OMGSPECTACULAR! when really a snail moved faster than the puck.
ReplyDeleteYes. This game was only partially competent. NEEDS MORE COMPETENCE! And fuck you Chara. If Patches weren't out 'cause of that ape he'd have buried those rebounds...
Everytime hnic showed "hilights" of Chara, he was getting away with uncalled penalties.
ReplyDeleteIt seems whenever Habs get 1st power play in a game and don't score, they lose.
Gotta like the effort after being down 3 zip tho. They did not quit like sometimes in regseason.
Bodes well for Thursday. I am confident they'll be competent.
Is CBC doing the happy dance?
ReplyDeleteI think it's my fault as I sat next to a Bruins fan at the bar and we were civil towards each other. I knew I should've stabbed him in the face.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, at least they didn't lie down and die when they went down three goals. We'll get 'em back on Thursday.
Go Habs Go.