- Fuck da Broons, fuck the media in general and CBC in particular. Habs 2, Bs NOTHING. Major props to TFS of course, but also Gio and his two goals, The Mexican American and his sweet, sweet passes, Plexxxe for goading the shaved gorilla into the dumbest penalty to ice the game, PFK and the whole defense frankly for keeping most of the 31 shots low quality, CHokula even, well let's face it everyone. Even if we lose the next 4 straight, this was awesome. More later today;
- Die PHucktards, die! Sabres 1, Flyers 0;
- Joe Pavelski had the OT winner for the Sharks as they beat the Kings 3-2;
- Vincent Damphousse has been charged with six counts of assaulting his wife. Innocent until proven guilty, etc., but ick. Nothing funny about domestic violence.
Friday, April 15, 2011
The Morning Skate for Sexy Friday, April 15
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of WAGs in Playboy...
Thursday, April 14, 2011
CBC Hockey Night in Canada Live From Boston! - Bruins Game Preview and Open Thread
Maclean: Less than one year after they suffered a catastrophic semifinal defeat to the Philadelphia Flyers after leading the series 3-0, Zdeno Chara, Tim Thomas and the rest of the Bruins resume their quest for Lord Stanley's Mug on CBC tonight at 7pm in Beantown. Cam Neely watches on from the President's box as the Big Bad Bruins go for some silver to match their traditional black and gold, tonight on CBC Hockey Night in Canada! With me as always is Boston's favourite son, Donald S. Cherry.
Cherry: Whoooaaaaa!!! The Boston Garden loves me. I gotta say, that Karboorlay, he's from the Leafs, that guy is dynomite. And that Chara, Looocic, those guys are just like Bobby and Cashman, who I had back in the day. We're ready tonight, that's for sure!
Maclean: Don, what do the Bruins have to do tonight to get past last year's collapse?
Cherry: Well, you know that sort of thing can make you a bitter, angry, xenophobic jerk if you aren't careful, kinda like it did to me when we lost the 1979 semifinals. You know, kinda like how Leaf fans feel about Kerry Fraser in 1993. Those Leafs though, next year, they're gonna do it, you betcha! That Ryemar, he's somethin'.
Maclean: Well noted. Over to the panel for more on the Bruins.
Panel lead by Maclean with Mike Milbury, Garry Galley, Glen Healy and PJ Stock.
Maclean (out of breath after running up stairs from ice level): First game of the 2011 playoffs for the Bruins tonight, with a supercharged atmosphere due to the recent history between Boston and their opponents. Thoughts?
Milbury jumps in immediately: Well, their opponents are obviously a bunch of cheating, diving, whining pussies who can't even handle a routine hockey play like driving a man's head into the stanchion, hitting him with an elbow pad in a scrap or going into the crowd to wail on a man with his own shoe. Fucking pansies.
Healy: Plus, the Bruins have better goaltending, defence, forwards, size, speed, looks, fighters, celebrity fans, colours and tv advertisements than their opponents tonight, who are all tiny ballet dancers with no heart and pee their pants at the slightest hint of contact.
Stock: I love Bruins. I love ... hockey player. I love ... lamp.
Maclean: Well said, PJ. Love Bruins indeed. But what of the pressure on Boston's opponent's goaltender, who must try to emulate his predecessor who cost the CBC untold millions when we picked another first round matchup to show last season and ignored millions of viewers?
Milbury shouts over everyone: Why, that guy can barely fight. He could have killed Tim Thomas if he was a real man, but he didn't even try to beat him to death with his blocker or a stanchion or a shoe, like any self-respecting Bruin would have. If I was the GM of that team, I would totally trade him for the 2011 equivalent of Oleg Kvasha and Mark Parrish and choose a far inferior, injury prone goalie 1st overall in the draft, ignoring two bonafide 50 goal snipers in the process. That'll teach him.
Stock: I killed a man with a trident.
Milbury: CAUSE YOU'RE A MAN, PJ!!! THAT'S WHY YOU KILLED A MAN WITH A TRIDENT!!!
Stock: I don't know why we're yelling. Loud noises!
Galley: See, that's the problem right there, is the Bruins opponent doesn't have any trident killing skill. They're all busy shutting teams down defensively, getting superior goaltending, trying to be opportunistic on the powerplay. But that sort of thing won't work against this big, tough, talented, stanchion crushing Bruins team, just like it didn't work all season long or last playoffs. They're just not good enough to be a National Hockey League team at all. No wonder they lost every game versus the Bruins for the last 50 years and only made the playoffs due to luck and shootout wins. It's scientific fact that the Bruins are better in every single possible way.
Maclean: Speaking of scientific fact, we've got Cassie Campbell down outside the Bruins dressing room with noted medical expert Dr. Mark Recchi. Cassie?
Cassie Campbell: Right, thanks Ron. I'm here with noted concussion expert and Bruins veteran Dr. Mark Recchi. Dr. Recchi, what are your totally valid and not at all inflammatory feelings about Zdeno Chara's obvious hockey play from earlier this year?
Dr. Recchi: Well, Cassie, if there's anything I learned from my numerous medical degrees from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, the University of Animal Husbandry of West Monrovia, and Queen's University, plus the stuff I learned through careful study of every single documented case of concussion ever in the history of the world, it's that no one would ever watch a movie ever again after a concussion. And walking with any concussion symptoms or tweeting or even speaking coherently means that the person is obviously faking to get Zdeno suspended. In fact, I would wager all those knee injuries to our opponent's defence are all fake too, since they all seem to be able to give interviews and eat in restaurants, and as my extensive knowledge of medicine shows, those things are impossible with a knee injury. I also notice your lips seem incredibly bright and glossy; you should get that checked because it is definitely polio. I'm a noted medical expert, regularly asked my opinion on greater Boston media outlets, so you should heed my advice.
Cassie: Uh, I'm wearing lip gloss. It's not polio.
Dr. Recchi: Well, that's what I expected you to say. The mind is the first thing to go with polio. Look at poor Eric Lindros.
Cassie: Lindros doesn't have polio, and neither do I.
Dr. Recchi: Aren't you a trooper. Remind me of my good friend John Cullen after he was diagnosed with rabies. Lost all his hair from the leeching we performed.
Cassie: Ron?
Maclean: Cassie, PJ says he has a question for Dr. Recchi.
PJ: Excuse me, Cassie?
Cassie: Yes? What is it, PJ?
PJ: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
Cassie: Excuse me?
PJ: [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with pants?
Cassie: PJ, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that I'm invited?
PJ: That's it.
Cassie: Did Milbury tell you to say this, PJ?
PJ: No. Yes. He did.
Cassie: Okay. No. I don't want to go to a party in your pants.
PJ: Very well. Glen, would you like to go to a party in my pants?
Healy: No, PJ.
Cherry interrupts: Ya know who deserves a pants party? Nazdaq Kaldrah, that's who! Why Brian Burke didn't keep this kid up all year is beyond me! Scored 3 goals in the preseason and was a plus 1! And faceoffs! If they had kept that Ziger... uh, Zeegah ... uh, Zig-oh-man-is up to kill penalties and take faceoffs, the Leafs would have won the division! Makes me sadder than when one of our beautiful boys or girls in the army comes home dead because some Liberal pinko cancelled a jet fighter project!
Milbury: YOU KNOW WHO NEEDS TO SHOW RESPECT? THAT KID, YOU KNOW, THE UPPITY ONE. NO SHOWBOATING, NO BACKING AWAY FROM FIGHTS. HE NEEDS TO MAN UP, JUMP INTO THE OPPOSING TEAMS BENCH AND SMASH SOMEBODY IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL. NONE OF THIS DIPSY DOODLING, SCORING GOALS AND PLAYING GREAT DEFENCE. THAT'S NOT HOCKEY! DISRESPECTFUL.
Cherry: Ya, that Pee-Kay Sooblab is a real troublemaker! Could learn a few things about respect from a good Canadian boy like Mike Richards.
Maclean: To be fair, I believe PK Subban is Canadian.
Cherry: Not MY Canada, he ain't. Same as all those frogs in Frenchietown. Leafs don't have any of those guys. Just good, solid Canadian boys like Phanoaf and Koolieman and Kessel.
PJ: I ate a big, red candle. It didn't taste like the Kool-Aid man at all.
Maclean: Alright, we're almost ready for puck drop. Predictions for the series?
Milbury: Bruins in 4.
Healy: Bruins in 4.
Galley: Bruins in 4.
PJ: Foreign Bruins.
Cherry: Leafs in six. Let's go!
Maclean: Now, up to Bob Cole in the booth. Bob?
THE GAME ONE DAY SKATE WOOOOOOOO
Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being found guilty of obstruction of justice...
- Hey the playoffs started last night! The Rangers almost pulled an upset, but Alexander Semin ended his playoff scoring drought with the OT winner for the Caps;
- Alex Kovalev scored in the playoffs to no one's surprise and the Pens skated to a 3-0 win over the Bolts;
- Luongo gets a shutout to open the Hawks-Nucks series;
- We think we would root for the Preds if they weren't playing Suku: Preds 4, Ducks 1;
- Detroit won, yawn;
- Canada's team for the double eye is pretty much set;
- Some good stuff to read from: JT, Number31, Kyle Roussel, Boston Globe, Hickey, and Boone cleverly sneaks a fellatio reference past his Gazette editors.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
The Boston Globe editorial staff previews the epic hockey series that is Habs-Bs
TWO AND NINE? Can you believe that? The Sox have gone 2-9 to start the season. This may be the most disappointing season in the history of this glorious franchise. This is a disaster. We need to get rid of Tito immediately. There is no doubt he has lost the players in the clubhouse. How else can you explain this epic failure? Sox Nation will not stand for a loser. We once waited 86 years to win a World Series; we will not wait more than five years to win again. Drastic action is needed immediately. The season can still hopefully be saved. The most storied franchise in the history of baseball will not be denied.
Goodness what is wrong with the Celtics. They have fallen all the way to third in the Eastern Conference. This is completely unacceptable heading into the playoffs. This team has just collapsed since the Kendrick Perkins trade. It ruined everything. We even lost to Miami the other day! This team is critically struggling. It's been a whole three years since this team won a championship, and we can wait no longer. Drastic action is needed immediately. Danny Ainge was responsible for the Perkins deal; clearly, he must be fired. The season can still hopefully be saved. The most storied franchise in the history of basketball will not be denied.
On the plus side, only three months until the Patriots report to training camp! We here at the Globe are extremely optimistic about the coming season. Yes, last year's disappointing loss to the Jets in the playoffs still stings, but unquestionably Jets' coach / foot fetishist Rex Ryan must have cheated. Our coaching staff would never do that; Rex Ryan makes us sick. But it's time to look forward not back, and Tom Brady will undoubtedly once again lead us to the Promised Land. It's been a whole seven years since the Pats found Super Bowl glory; there is no doubt that epic drought will end this year. The most storied franchise in the history of football will not be denied.
The sporting event that we here at the Globe are most looking forward to however is the Boston Marathon this coming Monday. So many interesting story lines this year. Can Cheruiyot win his sixth race in the past nine years? And the emotional return of Marathon legend Joan Benoit Samuelson has touched a resonant chord in all of us. But once again, it will be the stories of the lesser known runners, and the sight of 25,000 marathoners lining up to start that will make the Marathon the wonderful spectacle it's been for over a century. The most storied race in the history of running will not be denied.
Bruins-Canadiens Eastern Conference quarter-final starts tomorrow night at 7 PM at the TD Garden
Drunken*(ramblings + laughing + WOOOing) = Pants!cast!
Pants!cast!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!! Do you enjoy 75 minutes of drunken idiots talking? Then have we got entertainment for you! At Hurleys on Monday night yours truly gathered with Pants!cast regulars LG77 and Chris Aung-Thwin, and a very special guest. I don't want to spoil the surprise, but I will say the very special guest came all the way from Calgary to join us. We look back on the season that was and take a look at the Habs-Bs series that will be. Along the way you get LG coughing up a lung, some McGill love, another media-shy Hurleys waitress, commentor questions from Twitter, sexual innuendo of course, and sure, some actual hockey analysis (don't worry, not too much). So clickity-click that play button or hit the download link and close your office door because fuck, we can swear like motherfucking sailors.
Download the mp3
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
FHF's Meta Habs-Bs Playoff Preview of the Media Previews: RDS
This is the first in a series of previews in which we've decided to go all meta and examine the various ways in which the media is examining the Habs-Bs playoff series. 'Cause, you know, this thing is really flying under the radar and needs more hype...
We here at FHF HQ take pride in our ability to leave no stone unturned, no dumpster un-dived potential source unexplored. To wit: we have uncovered the "Talking Points" communiqué that has been sent to the xenophobic blowhards the panelists over at l'Antichambre. It all makes sense now! In this modern day and age, it's clear that no one is actually that blindly nationalistic. They're just following a strict set of talking points/party line that they have to follow in order to stay in those barcaloungers on set.
After sending it off to our crackerjack translation department (or maybe our editorial department - they're basically interchangeable) , here is what we've been able to uncover:
Montreal, April 11th, 2011
Dear puppets and other assorted mouthbreathers,
I know some of you are disappointed. After all, it's clear that everyone wanted the Montreal Canadiens to playagainst the Tampa Bay Lightning in the Eastern Conference quarter final. After all, the interviews with notre cher Vincent and notre ami Martin would have been precisely the kind of soothing balm our pure-laine souls need in this time of election crisis whenthe bastard who can barely speak French the party that pays for premium advertising time on our channel is on the cusp of a majority.
However, we must soldier on and attempt to be enthusiastic about a Habs-Bruins playoff series. As such, here are some of the talking points we suggest in order to help you better feign enthusiasm:
Besides, what other channel are Habs fans going to watch? CBC? Don't make me laugh.
Please note that deviating once from any of the above talking points will lead to immediate and on-airexecution dismissal.
Yours in so-so-so-solidarité,
[name redacted]
Edited to add: many thanks to Lyse a.k.a. @touteparpillee for the idea re: Annie Villeneuve. You're awesome, Lyse!!
 |
| We couldn't bear to mess with Chantal and François... The woman is a saint for putting up with these guys, and François seems like a good dude, if you ignore his creepy yellow teeth. |
After sending it off to our crackerjack translation department (or maybe our editorial department - they're basically interchangeable) , here is what we've been able to uncover:
Montreal, April 11th, 2011
Dear puppets and other assorted mouthbreathers,
I know some of you are disappointed. After all, it's clear that everyone wanted the Montreal Canadiens to playagainst the Tampa Bay Lightning in the Eastern Conference quarter final. After all, the interviews with notre cher Vincent and notre ami Martin would have been precisely the kind of soothing balm our pure-laine souls need in this time of election crisis when
However, we must soldier on and attempt to be enthusiastic about a Habs-Bruins playoff series. As such, here are some of the talking points we suggest in order to help you better feign enthusiasm:
- There are some Quebeckers on the Bruins too! Well, okay, only one, if you consider that Savard was born in Ottawa and is really just another shitty franco-ontarian. Better still, Patrice Bergeron is from Ancienne-Lorette, câlice. You don't get much more pure-laine than that. Which, the Bruins have wisely recognized by giving him an "A" on his jersey.
- Hey - the Bruins had problems with concussions too! And they affected people who speak French, not asshole Americans who go see shitty American movies and then tweet about it.
- Speaking of that concussion, make sure you talk about it, but not so much about Max Pacioretty. Rather, spin it as yet another example of the way in which the NHL and Gary Bettman hate Quebec because they refused to punish Chara.
- Make sure that the audience knows who the real stars of the team are: David Deharnais and Mathieu Darche.
- Make sure you refer to Deharnais as "Le Petit Démon" in order to further cement the fact that he is the team's number one centre and the second coming of Guy Lafleur. We plan to make him stand on RDS milk crates in order to create the illusion that he is Chara's height.
- Until further notice, please refer to Darche as "Le Gros Mathieu" in order to make sure that people think of him in the same way as Jean Béliveau. We need to make sure that he is the next captain of the Montreal Canadiens, even if he's in his early 40s by the time that happens.
- Please refrain from saying anything nice about Andrei Kostitsyn. We need to have someone to blame when the Canadiens get bounced out of the playoffs and we couldn't give less of a shit about his career. Ditto for Scott Gomez.
- If Cammalleri continues to be ineffective, you can start to question his morals and his likeability in the locker room. Otherwise, talk about how wonderful it is that he's taking French lessons and that he has adopted Montreal as his hometown.
- If Pouliot continues to suck, point out every chance you get that he's not actually from Quebec. In the unlikely event he starts to score goals again, never EVER mention that he's actually from Ontario and feature many clips of him speaking French.
- Don't rag on Brian Gionta yet. We just ran one captain out of town, no need to do that to another one yet. Besides, the little prick bought himself some time by introducing his teammates in "French" to start the season.
- Make sure you pick up on every little thing that PK Subban fucks up. We don't want the English to corner the market on racist comments, or else we may lose viewership in the Saguenay.
- If Carey Price doesn't come out as a hero in this series, make sure you show a lot of comparisons to José Théodore in his Vézina year. But make Carey look like a crappier version of Théo. Try to find Annie Villeneuve and get her to sleep with him - way cooler and more relevant than a pute like Paris Hilton. Plus, we can cut to tear-filled interviews with her ex, none other than Guillaume Latendresse! Maybe that way, we can get Price chased out of the city with pitchforks and torches in order to make way for a French Canadian goaltender - dare to dream people...
- Make sure to compare the Lightning's playoff stats to the Canadiens' stats, but only if the Lightning compare favourably. This is especially the case if you choose to compare MAB (*HQ-ordered moment of silence*) to Wizniew-howeverthefuckyouspellhislastnamethatclearlyisn'tFrench.
- When Bertrand Raymond is on the show, make sure you agree with EVERYTHING he says.
Besides, what other channel are Habs fans going to watch? CBC? Don't make me laugh.
Please note that deviating once from any of the above talking points will lead to immediate and on-air
Yours in so-so-so-solidarité,
[name redacted]
Edited to add: many thanks to Lyse a.k.a. @touteparpillee for the idea re: Annie Villeneuve. You're awesome, Lyse!!
The Morning Skate for Tuesday, April 12th
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being the first man in space...
- The Habs-Bs previews are starting to pour in from everywhere except FHF (we're drunk). From the MSM we've got: The Gazette, TSN, and The Globe and Mail;
- From the Boston Globe: Sox let one get away;
- From the blogs we've got JT and Dennis Kane;
- The shaved gorilla "will not be questioned or arrested" when the Bs come to Montreal for Game 3;
- We've got predictions too. Of all the ESPN guys only Burnside had the balls to pick the Habs. THN likes the Bs in 6. And guess who Don Cherry picked. We bet you guessed right;
- Puck Daddy ranks the first round series in terms of excitement or watchability or something. Guess which series is the best. We bet you guessed right;
- The Leaf are Cup contenders, according to a delusional Ron Wilson;
- The Wild fired coach Todd Richards;
- The NHL will start next season in Europe;
- Ken Hitchcock will coach Team Canada at the IIHF championships in Slovakia, a team that will be loaded with Leafs.
Monday, April 11, 2011
The Morning Skate has playoff fever for Monday, April 11
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the Masters or winning the World Curling Championship...
East
Caps-Rangers
Phucktards-Sabres
Bs-Habs
Pens-Bolts
West
Nucks-Hawks
Sharks-Kings
Wings-Yotes
Ducks-Preds
- After watching the Blackhawks lose in the afternoon, the Stars had their playoff destiny in their hands, but choked under pressure with a 5-3 loss to Minny;
- Boston prepares for the Habs by losing to the Devils, as Jacques Lemaire coached his "final" game (for the third time);
- Pens gave a bunch of players the day off, and they still beat the Thrash;
- The Avs 4 Edm 3 game was only notable for the final game of Adam Foote, the last guy in the league to don a Nords jersey;
- For the record, Corey Perry wins the Rocket Richard trophy, Daniel Sedin the Art Ross and Luongo / some backup the Jennings;
- We'll be checking the Boston Globe all week. Right now the Globe reports that the Celtics are down to 3rd in the East and the Sawx won;
- Jack Todd recaps the Habs season;
- Here's PJ Stock's take on Mon-Bos. Guess who he picks.
East
Caps-Rangers
Phucktards-Sabres
Bs-Habs
Pens-Bolts
West
Nucks-Hawks
Sharks-Kings
Wings-Yotes
Ducks-Preds
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Blazzin' BitCHes! ~ WaCHo kids, Sheriff Subban and DepuTFS™ saddled up to save the season for us locals ~ Habs 4 - leaf 1 ~ Willkommen. Bienvenue. Welcome. C'mon in to the rock ridged for your pleasure Game Review thread
The Canadiens came riding into Hogtown, not looking for twouble, just a stopover, maybe get a dwink or two, see some dancing girls and have some vittles. Only thing 'standing' in their way were those pesky Toronto varmints and dem hnic twits. Captain Gio was locked, stocked with two smoking' barrels, leading the CHarge into the playoffs against bears dressed up as mongorillas). So throw up your hands, stick out your tush, hands on your hips and give 'em a playoff push.
~ Down Goes Brown ~ Howe sweet was BAMF (Blanche Ass Mother Fucker! credit goes to N31)? Bring on round 1 tout suite! Nice bump kid.
~ Get Von sCHtupped! ~ Another sad season for the piss-ant cbc twats. Who can satisfy their lustful leaf habits? Up yours!
~ No lollygaggin' around ~ PleXXXe picks up his shorthand shovel and scores a beauty shorty.
~ Leaf of faith ~ Ride off into the sunset leaf fans, enjoy the greener pastures, of the fucking golf course. Fucking losers, face it, evewything below 8th ... is kaput! You're finished. Fertig! Verfallen! Verlumpt! Verblunget! Verkackt!
~ Fool's Gold ~ What in the wide world of sports is going on here? cbc/hnic leaf love doesn't pan out, again, go figure.
~ Stinkin' badges ~ Gave em out already.
~ Puppets pwan your fwiggin pensions ~ Redfaced and raging town drunk donald (S)aloon cherry has been drinking heavily, just string him up with another leaf losing season and watch him rant into retirement, bonus is keeping an eye where mclame's head and hands are.
600 Johnsons ~ Congwats CHowula, now win a Stanwey Cup pwayoff seewies or four.
200 ~ 29 sends this, just add your favourite whiskey.
Let's play CHest with the new Sheriff ~
The gold road's sure a long road
Wind on through the CHills for 16 gamesThe pack on Max's back is aCHing
The stanchions seem to cut him like a knife
Bruins are clowns, Habs won't back down
I don't need hnic to tell me who's going down
Down down down...
leaf standing alone, I'm watching them fall
I'm seeing them sinking
leaf standing alone, you're faking their gold
I'm watching cbc stinking
Fool's gold
These Habs were made for winning
The Marquis de Sade never wore no Pants! like these
Gold's just around the CHorner
Bs breakdown's coming up round the bend
Sometimes you have to Anon to get along here
I know the truth and I know that we're winning!
Bs are going down down down...
Bs standing alone, I'm watching them fall
I'm seeing them sinking
Bs will be home, in their black and gold
I'm watching their playoffs stinking
Fools of black & gold
Saturday, April 09, 2011
The lunatics have taken over the asylum - FHF readers preview the Leaf and open thread
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