Friday, November 20, 2009

Mr. Pleks goes to Washington - Caps preview and open thread

Yes, I recognize Pleks cannot technically be President due to his not being from the United States and all. But his inspired play this year is earning him mucho respect around here. Hard-working, industrious, diligent, and a good team player. Aren't those all qualities you would want in a world leader?

Waiting in line to get frisked before you go into the Capitol building - 7 PM start at the other Phone Booth. There will be hot McSplooging action. First of four meetings this year, last year Caps won 3 of 4.

Looking for a good tour guide - our old three-way friends Shmee and CapsChick seem to have closed up their respective shops, though rumour has CapsChick hanging out at at Japer's Rink.

Hot like DC in July - the two featured players in FHF pics today - TFS with a .952 save% over the last two games and Pleks with 5 assists over the last 3. Despite our desire to see the Urologist in Panger's trunk, he actually has 4 points over the last 3 games.

Cold like a the wind blowing off the Potomac in February - Scott. Gomez. 0 points in 4 games. Seems totally disinterested. Blech. Gui still pointless in his last hundred games (estimate only) but showed some life Tuesday. Jaro 2.0 pointless in 4.

Sharp like the top of the Washington monument - Let's start with some team stats. Caps lead their division and the Eastern Conference. They lead the league in goals. Second best home record in the league. 2nd best PP. This game will be a piece of cake.

Individually, look for Ovie (duh) who's making his home debut since coming back from injury, Fleischmann on a 10-game point streak and Varlamov who's allowed a mere 4 G in his last 3 GP.

Sign me up for the FBI - With extensive snooping, I have found that there is a Caps weakness! They're only 1-3 in OT. Mix that with the Habs' 4-0 OT record, and it's a recipe for a win! Right? RIGHT? [/end delusions]

Broken like an attempt at a bipartisan bill - Caps aren't much better than the Habs in the injury department, missing Semin and Knuble especially. 2008 first-round pick John Carlson makes his debut in the absence of half the Caps' D. For the Habs, TFS gets the start, and the Habs actually have some returning players! Rhino and BGL are expected to be back in the lineup. Rumour has MOEmaN on the first line. I would tell you what the other lines were at practice yesterday, but they'll be changed by the end of the first by Carbo 2.0, so don't even try to follow. Suffice it to say, those combinations did not include our boy CHips.

Post-game entertainment - head over to my favourite place in DC, the rooftop terrasse of Marvin. Heated and partially covered for your year-round smoking needs. Packed full of young attractive professional types and many Belgian beers.

Let's talk American politics in the comments! Or not.

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The Game Day Skate for Sexy Friday has a thing for TFS

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Carmen Electra's lesbian sex tape...

  • In the Battle of Suck, Leafs lose to the Canes, with all sorts of whackiness like the Leafs blowing a 3-goal lead (well not so whacky), both a go-ahead goal and a tying goal in the last 30 seconds, and another stupid "intent to blow the whistle" calling back a goal in OT;
  • Sens dominate the Pens, wow;
  • B's snap the Thrash win streak with a SO win;
  • The Christo-Wall seems to be good again;
  • Marty Brodeur actually loses a shootout.
Habs in DC tonight for some hot Ovie action.

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Thursday, November 19, 2009

BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING BONES! INJURY REPORT It's time for that Photo Again

This just in. Injury Report for November 19, 2009.


Brian Gionta: Broken foot, out indefinetley

Andrei Markov: Torn thingy in his knee. Out till spring, maybe longer. maybe he'll never be back.

Hal Gill: Torn something something. Out 3-5 weeks. That's impossible because injury periods are always estimated in even numbers.

Georges Laraque: Back busted up real good. Out like Neil Patrick Harris at a club in Ibiza.

Ryan O'byrne: Tugged purse strings. Out on bail.

Jaro Halak: Burned forehand making stew for team. Out of ideas for next Jaro post.

Matt D'Agostini: Razor burn from first shave. Out for the season.

Jaro Spacek: Severed ass cheek. Now has two but cracks, but ass wide enough to handle the added perforation.

Roman Hamrlik: Exploding appendix. 30 to 32 days.

Andrei Kostistsyn: Cracked ri, uh,.... no, no, just crack. Likes to smoke crack.

Scott Gomez: Ruptured vein in third finger of left hand. Out for the season.

Mike Cammalleri: Cataract in foot. Out indefinitely.

Glen Metropolit: No Rapid Eye Movement. Out of Time.

Kyle Chipchura: Four concussions. Out of his mind if he thinks he's making a career in the NHL.

Guillaume Latendresse: African Sleeping Sickness. Get out of Bed, Gui!

Carey Price: Harpooned at sea. Out of the water.

Josh Gorges: Drowned in failed attempt to rescue Price. 2-4 gallons out of his body, following CPR with tongue performed by Kyle Chipchura.

Max Lapierre: Dislocated location. Out 2-3 hours.

Tomas Plekanec: Unhealthy scratch following a night out with a girl met at a bar.
N.B.!!! (This just in from GG: Too bad Pleks isn't playing like a girl. You could've used "has his period, out 3-5 days and then cranky like a bitch for the rest of the month")

Sergei Kostitsyn: Deep bruise in the belly button. Out of the womb already you impossible child.


Tomorrow's lineup:

Forward Lines

Pacioretty - Moen - Stewart

Defense Pairings

Mara

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The Morning Skate for Thursday, November 19th

Bullet points for waht you missed while dreaming of Carmen Electra's lesbian sex tape...

You knowwhat we need? A Habs injuries drinking game. Anyone got any good ideas? All we can think of is any time a Hab gets injured, we get drunk. But there has to be something more creative.

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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Glorious leaders lead the way! Habs 3, Whalers 2 (shootout of death)

Bertrand told us he was very disappointed in our ratings yesterday. He thought both Max and Gui! deserved 5 of his heads and maybe a couple of his other heads while we're at it. He told us, in a strongly worded email in surprisingly good and colloquial English, that his boys would come out strong just to shove it in our faces. BR is psychic!

Planifiez le défilé - yes, it is true, Mad Max and Gui! played what may have been their best game of the season. Couldn't put the puck in the net to save their lives (despite each of them trying at least a dozen wraparounds), but at least they worked and looked like actual NHL players. And give Max credit for learning, after FIVE shooters, that you should just SHOOT (high) on Legace instead of trying the same move everyone else did.

Other good stuff included some scoring from people besides GMS and Pleks, in this case PatCHes and Tits, who may have even smiled after he scored. And Pleks' Czech sausage over to PatCHes' tape on his goal was a thing of beauty, like just about everything Pleks has done this season.

But this win belonged to TFS. After the 55-save spectacular Saturday, he came back just as as strong (though a bit less busy) to win his first home game of the year(!). Not much chance on either goal, and he was nothing short of heroic in OT, stopping 7 shots. Whatever is better than heroic is what he delivered in the shootout, stopping 6 of 6 including a total miracle on the last one to win it. And his reactions after he inevitably wins a shootout are just priceless (no pun intended). It's like he's saying "fuck off, everyone, I'm good and I don't give a shit what you say. Fucking right I just won this game."

The sky is falling - let's face it, there are serious problems with this team. We're uh, not good. Time to realize that. We needed a goal with less than 3 minutes to go to tie the worst team in the league. The worst team in the league without its three best players (Cam Ward, Staal, Pitkanen). We needed a shootout and an amazing goaltending performance to beat the worst team in the league. There were huge parts of the game where we were dominated by the worst team in the league. We didn't generate any PP scoring chances at all against the worst team in the league. You got the point? Well, the worst team in the league got a point too.

I could go on about turnovers, crappy D, our inability to start a breakout, and the fact that it's becoming clear in his absence that it's the G that makes GMS go, but I have a life to get back to.

Chez Parée bound? Tits, Pleks, Max, and Gui! have a seat near the stage. TFS is boning three chicks in the back room, while everyone else is sort of standing around waiting for him to finish.

Next evil, evil foe - big loss in DC coming Friday night.

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The Morning Skate for Wednesday, November 18th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being attacked by pirates again...

Please enjoy these highlights after a win. It's rare lately.

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Ladies and gentlemen, it's our 24.39% season evaluations (and a Canes open thread)

7:30 tonight at the Phone Booth, Habs get one chance to win this week before they get crushed by the Caps and Wings this weekend. Gionta is out, Rhino not quite ready. Consider that your preview. Now on to the reason you're all here. Boredom at work.

Yes, it's the one-quarter season player review! Of course, it's not quite one-quarter, more like, oh, I don't know, 24.39% (rounded). We all said we'd give this team 20 games before really evaluating them. Well, those 20 games have come and gone, so it's time to bring on the fucking expletives. We're using our FHF-trademarked scale of zero to 5 Bertrand Raymonds, representing how well the player is living up to the past of nos glorieux. On to the ratings!



Pleks - RIP ZombiePleks? The only player that belongs here. The only player that shows up and scores game in, game out. Leads the team in scoring despite having NO WINGERS. I repeat, NO WINGERS. It's like last year didn't happen. I'm still freaked out by the whole thing.



Squid - just behind Pleks in scoring. Leads the team in goals with 8, but I feel he hasn't really exploded, know what I mean? (Not a sexual euphemism. Or is it?)

Gionta - right there with Pleks in the "show up for every game" department. Just make him captain already.

Métro - 10 points for a supposed 3rd / 4th liner is fucking top notch. Time on the PP, and making the most of it.

Please Hamr don't hurt 'em - in case you hadn't noticed (and you hadn't, which is the sign of a solid D), he's our #1 D now. Putting in major minutes in Vodkov's absence, and playing his heart out. Mostly.



MOEmaN - a pleasant surprise. Maybe slowed down recently, but still working. Unlike some people.

The goalies - I think this seems reasonable. TFS may have had a struggle or two and some bad luck, but overall (especially after facing 55 shots Saturday), he seems alright. Jaro pley weel. All in all, seems like a serviceable tandem.


The M in GMS - six or seven games ago he would have been 3 or even 4 BR's, but lately, ugh. Well not really ugh, more like invisible. Turning into a waste of $8 mill in cap space?

USS Hal Gill - I have no fucking clue what to make of him. Some games he seems like a functional D, other games, well, less so.

The Urologist - got half a BR for a good nickname. Some whacky passes and defensive gaffes have him as the prime candidate for Panger's trunk.

Other 2 BRs - Jaro 2.0 (maybe 2.5 BRs), PatCHes, Gorges


Mad Max - Bertrand's wet dream is a fucking nightmare.

Our boy CHips - Zero points and -8. Yet there was a stretch there when I thought he played well, and might deserve 2 BRs, and was getting screwed with the lineup as usual.

Tits - Oh Andrei, we're rooting for you, we really are. But you're not making it easy.

Other 1 BRs - Dagger, Mara


Gui:( - 'STIE CALICE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Every chance in the world and you have 3 points in 20 games. On pace for a 12.3 point season. Well done.

Incompletes - Markov, Rhino. BGL, Leach, Stewie, Carle, Pyatt, White, Belle, Weber. Is that everyone?

Please disagree with my ratings in the comments. Personally, I trust Panger's hockey analysis more than my own. Either way, which Hab will bump up his BR rating for the half season review? I'm sure a WhalerCanes game will clear it all up.

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The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, November 17th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Joanna Krupa in Playboy...

Canes tonight. There's a chance!

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Monday, November 16, 2009

The Morning Skate for Monday, November 16th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of going for it on 4th down and not making it...

We got a feeling it's going to be another day of recriminations around here.

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Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Habs Sucked in Plain View: Preds 2 - Habs 0


My first thought goes to Guillaume Latendresse who owes a big bag of gratitude to the ailing Brian Gionta. Gui! was penciled out of this one against the Preds, and we all know what kind of music he would have faced back home as a result of this intended benching.

Unfortunately, Gui! came about as close as one can get to have as much impact on the face of a game as a healthy scratch. The open net in the third period that he couldn’t wrap his brain around didn’t help his chances to avert another imminent decision to keep him on the gallery.

My next thought goes to the rest of the team, sans Price. I would bench them all for the next game and call up every Bulldog.

Ensuite, the shots. It read 24-4 in favor of Nashville after one period. At this point, the numbers are so staggering that you just start to cheer for the math, hoping the trend will continue and leave the Habs on the wrong end of a 72-12 total. 55 shots. That’ll do.

One of the best games of Price’s career. Turns out the rest of the team couldn’t be bothered. The stage was right for a performance to remember in Nashville for the young country music loving cowboy, but a fortunate son he wasn’t. A great save by Carey in the early moments of the second period and another on Legwand midway through the third made it obvious that without TFS in nets the score would have pointed to how badly Montreal played on their night off. No, thanks to Price this is a game you had to watch to seize how terrible Montreal was, otherwise the close score could falsely conjure up unsuspecting thoughts of a tightly played game.

Does Big Tits want to play in this uniform? How does hockey sense just vanish? The flashes aren’t there. The effort is gone. It’s like a silent protest. It’s high time to send Andrei to wherever Gui! will be going for the next game, and that means nowhere near the ice.

Gomez is officially slumping. He’s not creating anymore. He doesn’t look like he’s taking time off but the jump is MIA. Like a kangaroo that’s been amputated at the knees.

The Lapierre experiment on the first line was a total bust. That won’t be happening again soon. Mathew Broderick and Helen Hunt had more success with a monkey in Project X. If the chimp’s still alive, get him fitted for a pair of skates.

As GG said: Fuck are they bad. No goals in Nashville. Wow.

The boys better take a very deep breath and give those muscles a deep stretch because the coach is going to run them to the ground at the next practice. No pucks, sand weights at the ankles, lots of cookies and no milk, type of practice. There will be puke.

What a crappy Saturday evening. Even SNL sucked.

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Saturday, November 14, 2009

Yee-Haw! It's a country-fried Nashville Preview and Open Thread, Dagnabit!

The Canadiens, fresh off a win over the desert dogs, roll their double-wide into Nashville's barn to take on the Predators. Yep, I went there twice in the first sentence. Listen, you can't have a place called The Grand Ole Opry as your claim to fame and expect a cliche-free preview.

Waiting in line at the honky-tonk bar details: Live from Nashville's Sommet Center at 7:00 pm, on RDS

Hotter than a Taylor Swift/Carrie Underwood "duet": Pleks continues to lead the team in scoring with nary a dependable winger to be found. Squid and Gionta still scoring. Price stopped everything that didn't involve an illegal kicking motion or a spear to the throat. The Urologist made one of those plays we all hoped he would. For the Preds, JP Dumont is scoring at almost a point-per-game and Shea Weber and Ryan Suter are the stud defenders all Habs fans can cast envious glances at.

Colder than the corpse of Tennessee Ernie Ford: Same old song and line dance for the Habs: Gui! Max, AK46. When do we stop giving Gomez chances and turn on him? Nashville is 29th in goals scored and dead last on the powerplay, so let's just assume their cold side is everyone else.

A hurtin' kinda feelin':
Jaro 2.0 limped off to possibly join Markov, O'Byrne & Gill in the defence infirmary. Other than the fact that they have stone hands, the forwards seem healthy. Colin Wilson is the only long-term Predator injury.

Between the fence posts: Win and you're in should see Price play in the spiritual home of that crap music he loves so much. For the Preds, Dan Ellis and Pekka Riine have almost identical records. Whether Nashville trots out Brooks or Dunn, the results seem to be the same.

Fussin' and a feudin': Wait, there's a Predators blog? Yep, and it's called On the Forecheck.

Post-Game Country Bear Jambaroo: Check out some of these hee-hawtees, then hit the nearest bar with swinging doors and a hitching post out front.

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Friday, November 13, 2009

GoldenGirl11 makes her reviewing debut - Habs 4, Yotes 2

HF29 fell asleep, HF10's kids don't let him stay awake that late, HF4 has real life stuff today and Panger is dead. As a result, we have turned to GG11 for the game review. Her efficient use of words is a tribute to fine blogging everywhere. This kid's got a real future. Without further ado, here's GG11's debut as a game reviewer:

"They sucked. We sucked less."

Pretty fucking accurate.

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It's a Sexy Friday the 13th Morning Skate

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Sophie Monk in a bikini...

  • Well, you can imagine our surprise, when after a 0-0 first period that literally put us to sleep, we awoke to find the Habs had scored 4 goals! 2 on the PP! And won in regulation! Then we looked at the shot totals (20 apiece!) and are impressed the rest of you stayed awake. More later;
  • Ray Emery gets some sweet, sweet revenge, then possibly kicks the crap out of someone, beating his former team 5-1;
  • Boston loses in a shootout in a real goalie battle;
  • Devils take care of the Pens, in Pensburgh, going to 9-0 on the road. Wow;
  • Kovy comes back, gets 3 points to help the Thrash beat the Rangers;
  • We're pretty sure there were some games involving Western teams;
  • In case you missed it in the comments yesterday, Komi is out for 3 weeks.
Here are your highlights. Includes actual Habs goals!

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Thursday, November 12, 2009

Meh, whatever, it's a Coyotes game preview and open thread

My excitement for this team has hit bottom. I'm not gonna say rock bottom, because there are still like, a bunch of games to go. Plenty of time to really bring out the suckage. But we're almost a quarter of the way into the season, and my attitude can be nicely summed up in one word, meh. Is that even a word? Who the fuck knows. Let's hit the bullet points to discover why I'm so blah about this team:
  • We can't score. 2 measly goals in our last 3 games;
  • This team really doesn't play anything that could be described as "entertaining hockey";
  • Losing. This team has more regulation losses than any team in the league except the woeful Hurricanes;
  • Beyond the Giant Mexican Squid and Pleks, no one seems to be doing anything out there except "skating" around in a purple haze;
  • There is no way I can envision this team doing anything in the playoffs, if they even make it that far;
  • The man who should be our most exciting player, TFS, seems to be rife with issues, maybe media-imposed, maybe self-imposed, who knows;
  • This whole cash grab 100th anniversary celebration has turned into a farce, if not a downright embarrassment;
  • We suck.
Your reasons may differ.

OK enough with my old man complaining about you kids on my lawn, let's go back to the bullets to set up the game. I'm too meh to do anything else. And it's a game that I'm totally meh about, given that it's Phoenix. Ooh, feel the history. Of bankruptcy court.
  • 9 PM ET start at Jobing.com Arena. I'll be sleeping by midway through the 2nd;
  • Habs have lost 3 of their last 4, as have the Yotes. This is the only meeting this season between the teams;
  • Five for Howling is a good source for all things Phoenix;
  • There are no hot Habs;
  • Conversely, everyone is cold. More specifically, The Urologist has zero points in 8 games (and counting);
  • Did you know the Habs lead the league in minor penalties? You do now. I think about half of them have been for shooting the puck over the glass;
  • Yotes riding some great golatending from Bryzgalov, who's in the top 5 in the league in GAA, save %, and shutouts;
  • Shane Doan is worth a point per game. Gang Bang Lang (god I miss that) has 8 points this season;
  • Lines at practice yesterday were GMS, Pleks-Tits-Pyatt, Metro-Moen-PatCHes, Laps-Gui:(-White. Once again, CHips gets screwed;
  • My favourite quote from all my reading for this preview, from Jaro 2.0: "If we scored three or four goals a night, we’d be a totally different team." Amen, Jaro;
  • For your post-game adult entertainment, just go walk around an Arizona State campus. Here's some of what you'll see.
Let's hear your thoughts in the comments Or not, I don't care. Meh, whatever.

UPDATE - oh look, there's a game review from 4 just below this. Go read it.

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Flames 1 - Saint-Nicks 0 ... No, I mean Flames 1 - Wild 0, ... No, I mean Flames 1 - 80s Devils 0


Just wanna squeeze this one in before we start commenting on the game tonight at Do Not Pass Go Do Not Collect 200$ Arena.

Quantitatively, I will offer you as many words on the game as the Habs gave you goals.

Have a nice day.

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The Game Day Skate for Thursday, November 12th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of FOX canceling yet another Joss Whedon show...

Habs head to the desert tonight for what I'm sure will be a huge crowd in Phoenix.

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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Morning Skate Remembers for November 11th

After another loss, it's always good for some perspective. And today is a good day for perspective. I think I said this in last year's Remembrance Day Post but I want to say again - I hate it when sports announcers and journalists and even players use war metaphors to describe games. War is war; sports are a diversion. Sports aren't life and death, even though sometimes we treat them that way. Soldiers fighting to protect our freedom is really life and death. Remember that.

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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Golly! It's an old-timey Flames Preview and Open Thread

Who does this floozie think she is?

I reckon the Club Athletique Canadien is having a pretty average National Hockey Association season. While we have some dillies playing, the squad is hovering around the .500 mark. And we are coming off a depressing loss to the Renfrew Creamery Kings. Tonight's match starts promptly at 7:30 at the Montreal Arena. Get yourself all gussied up, catch the #11 streetcar at Craig Street and ride it all the way there.

Our club has some very keen players right now. Newsy Lalonde is tearing up the league at more than a goal per game pace. Didier Pitre is right there with him. Georges "I hope some day they name a trophy after me" Vézina is continuing his outstanding rookie campaign, leading the league in GAA. The rest of our boys - Poulin, Bernier, Laviolette, and Betrand nous font fiers, unlike those English pig dog Wanderers. I do find this English-French divide depressing however. I'm sure one day it will all be cleared up. I can only imagine that some day the newspapermen of the future will applaud the ethnic and cultural diversity this Canadiens team will have, if only the Czar would stop oppressing the Russian players and let them seek their fortune in North America.

But nuts! This team is really getting my goat. We are making a lot of boners in our defensive zone, leaving poor Vézina alone to get fed to the wolves. Maybe the rigours of the 16-game schedule are finally catching up to us. Gee willikers, playing like this, there is really no way we can catch the Ottawa Hockey Club in the standings.

For your post-game naughty entertainment joint, head over to Sammy's in the basement of 231 St. James Street (knock four times and ask for Jimmy). Rumour has it the ladies are exposing their ankles there now.

Are you jazzed for the game? Let's hear it in the comments.

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The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, November 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Marissa Miller in a bikini...

Habs lose to play the red-hot Flames tonight.

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Monday, November 9, 2009

It's the obligatory classy and snark-free Hall of Fame post!

Mazel Tov to the incredible Hall class being enshrined today:

  • Stevie Y
  • Brett "I'm an American, dammit" Hull
  • Luuuuuuc Robitaille (I actually had a CEGEP class with him once, but that's a story for another time)
  • Brian "Who me? I never played for the Leafs" Leetch
  • Evil genius and satanic servant Lou Lamoriello
OK, some snark. But seriously, that's some fucking group. Next year, Lindros will sully them all.

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The Morning Skate for Monday, November 9th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the fall of the Berlin Wall...

New week, new hope. Maybe not.

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Saturday, November 7, 2009

Lightning Crashes Habs INSTA-REVIEW - Tampa 3 - Montreal 1

We just need the creepy bald angel from the "Lightning Crashes" video for the entire Lightning cliche catalogue

Well, the CBC hasn't even taken us over to Don Cherry's Maple Leaf lovefest yet and here's the Lightning Fast Insta-Review. Bear with us, cause this is going to be even more stream of consciousness than usual:


Plan the Parade: Uh, no. There will be no parade this year, unless Andrei Markov is WAY better than we all think. However, some pluses for tonight included:
  • Pleks, still decidedly un-Zombielike. Another solid performance, even doing Mad Max the Pussy's (tm Pee-air McSplooge) job by getting so far under Vinny Lecavalier's skin he was itching like he just slept with one of the girls he met back in junior in Rimouski. Days until the gnashing of teeth because Pleks prices himself out of the Habs range: 134.
  • Big Tits, less Zombielike with each passing moment. A few nice moves, seemed engaged, even threw himself a big hit. Baby steps for the epileptic dullard, eh?
  • The kids, Max-Pac, Carle, Whitey, Pyatt. None of them are burners, none of them have can't miss written all over them right now, but none of them looked out of place. Once again, Panger's boy Chips is getting passed by on the depth chart. Poor bugger.
  • The Urologist, not looking like he learned defence from a correspondence course (tm Moeman). This evening, abysmal he was not. Well, that's something, I guess.
  • Price, not giving up a backbreaking, stupid goal. Of course, he's not off the hook entirely(see below).
  • Coach Martin, who appears to have a plan in place. The Habs came out flying at the start of each period, adjustments seem to be made during intermissions, and when the lines start shuffling it doesn't seem to be desparate grab-bag bullshit. I think he's a very good coach and may actually win this team some games by outsmarting someone on the other side.
  • Giant Mexican Squid, not infalible but hella fun to watch. AnnTaylorNinnyChicomaki made a half dozen stops when GMS was buzzing that would have made this game look a whole lot different.
  • Glen Metropolit, still awesome. That is all.
The Sky is Falling: Remember when a loss to the Lightning would have been a disaster? I can't remember when the Habs just trampled one of these fucking Southern division teams and it pisses me off. I grew up watching this franchise steal the lunch money of teams like LA, Pittsburgh, the old Atlanta Flames and Minnesota North Stars week-in, week-out. This new NHL shit blows. Also blowing:
  • The defence on the first goal. Hey, Hamrlik, how about fucking hitting the guy in front of the net before he gets his FOURTH free whack at the puck?
  • The defence on the second goal. Hey, Hamrlik, how about fucking tying up your man on the backcheck instead of letting him get a free shot on the rebound? Which brings us to ...
  • The big, fat whale Cari rebound on the second goal. Ugh. And come to think of it, Price should probably have had that third goal too. It beat him and hit the post, then the refs got it wrong on the replay, but an inch lower and it was in clean. Bad luck, but he needed to do better.
  • Seriously, I know Hamr is doing some heavy lifting right now, but there was a point late in the second where the man had a wide-open shot from the point and his shot was so weak he wouldn't have broken Alex Tanguay with it. Someone get him some time in the hyperbaric chamber or a night off.
  • Oh, of course Mr. Glass Tanguay comes back and scores a goal. Stupid pussy fucker. Naturally, he also left the game with an injury at one point. Probably his ovaries.
  • Hey, notice I didn't mention Gui or Mad Max yet? It's because they did sweet fuck all. Again. Sit both their asses for fuck's sake.
  • ABC is showing Cinncinati/UConn as their primetime game. Is it an Elite Eight match-up in the NCAA tourney? Why no, it's a fucking football game. Because you know, a match-up full of hot babes in the stands like USC/Arizona State or a legendary traditional rivalry like Oklahoma/Nebraska isn't on right now somewhere in the continental US. Yeah, I know that has nothing to do with the game, but fuck me, Cinncinati/UConn?!!?!
Chez Paree bound? Well, I wouldn't kick any of the guys mentioned in the Plan the Parade section out, but I sure as hell ain't letting them skip the line. The Habs didn't play all that bad tonight, but AnnTaylorNinnyChicoMaki played great and they lost. Unfortunately, this looks like the lot for this team unless GMS starts potting two a game or Pleks gets some damn help. This team looks more and more like a 7th or 8th seed that's going out in the first round, unless Price continues to morph into the actual TMS and Markov comes back as some sort of Orr/Lidstrom hybrid (the Orrdstrom?).

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Vinny vide vice - Lightning game preview and open thread

Let's step back to both last spring and last summer when The Cavalier was the subject of all sorts of rumours (since confirmed) that Bob was trying to get him to Montreal. Any idea what this team would have looked like this year? Vinny leading the first line with Tanguay on his wing? It's a Bertrand Raymond wet dream! Well, you and BR can imagine what that would have been like tonight as those two skate together on Bell Centre ice.

Waiting in line details - 7 PM at the Phone Booth, on CBC for those of you who don't live in CBC Leafs country. So like, everyone but Quebec? These teams are pretty equal - sitting on the Eastern conference bubble, hanging around .500. Clash of the titans.

Pay your cover charge to - Raw Charge is "the static cling that brings Tampa Bay Lightning fans together." I like to think of FHF as the virtual strip club that brings Habs fans together.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Carey? Price? Maybe? My god did he show something in our last game. Will it continue? Has he turned some sort of corner? Ha, I keed. It's one fucking game. Let's see. Pleks and Squid continue to tie the team lead with 14 points. Métro is almost a point per game over his last 8 games, and 2 goals over his last 3 games. He's our secondary scoring now.

Skanky Habs to watch - can we call the Urologist a failure yet? No points in 6 games. Where was he on the 5 on 3 the other night? His "defense" is a joke. The Subbanator could do the job better, and with better post-game quotes.

Hot sexy Bolts to watch - Stamkos leads the Bolts with 17 points. St. Louis right behind at 16. After a slow start, Tangy has 6 points over his last 6 games. Some decent goaltending too, with Niittymaki 1-0-2, 1.60, .950 in his last 4.

Skanky Bolts to watch - D Andrej Meszaros pointless in 6.

On the main stage - Usual suspects on the shelf for the Habs. Rhino was seen yesterday "skating vigorously." Bolts will be deprived of prized rookie Victor Hedman, victim of a nasty (though I think legal) Chris Neil hit Thursday. No real lineup notes as of this writing, but I'm guessing TFS will be between the stripper poles.

In the VIP Room - I don't know if you've caught the little Mad Max - McSplooge cat fight going on. Basically McSplooge thinks Mad Max is a pussy. Max denies it. Anyway, what's really lost here is that Mad Max and his compatriote Gui:( are playing like shit. They've been given chance after chance, especially as Pleks' wingers, temps de glace up the wazoo, and are doing nothing except sucking. Gui has 3 points for fuck's sake, Max 5. Wake the fuck up, 'stie.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - Walking home from work the other day I noticed a very large sign on Ste Catherine for Club Temptation. Is it new? Did they just get a big sign? Did one of the other places rename itself? I need to investigate further.

Join me in the comments wishing GoldenGirl11 a hearty Mazel Tov for her son's bar mitzvah today. I have it on good authority Mr. Dr. GG11 forced her to leave her iPhone at home from synagogue this morning, but I bet she sneaks out of the party tonight to watch the game and comment.

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Friday, November 6, 2009

Shades of 93: Habs 2 - Bruins 1 (S.O.)

The 2009-10 edition of the Montreal Canadiens does it like it's 1993. Take it to the extra frame and win it there. The Habs won 10 of 16 playoff games in overtime to capture the Stanley Cup. This year's Habs have won 7 out of the first 16 games of the regular season to solidify a firm grip on 7th place in the Eastern conference (watch out for those 8th place Flyers who hold 4 games in hand on the Habs). So, sure, it's exactly the same thing.

It starts in goal:

1993: Patrick Roy
2009: Carey Price or Jaro Halak: Both are Roy's equals and both could make the "I'm going to Disney World" chant confusing. One would say it in an impossible eastern european accent while the other wouldn't offer sufficient decibels to make himself understood. Roy invented the butterfly, Price invented the jellybutt.

Top forwards:

1993: Kirk Muller
2009: Scott Gomez - just as Kirk is work as Muller. Call him Scott is work. Just as shifty a player, a better skater and makes a far more convincing taco than your assistant coach. Would never let Don Cherry kiss him on the face.

1993: Brian Bellows
2009: Brian Gionta. The better Brian. Much denser hairline. Capable of scoring goals at a better pace and will often do so on one leg. Could play in the NHL even if one of his legs were amputated at the knee. Bellows needs all four limbs to operate which reveals a striking weakness.

1993: Vincent Damphousse
2009: Mike Cammalleri. This guy takes Damphousse out to lunch and sticks him with the bill. Not in the same class. Can probably score 40, just in overtime.

Supporting forwards:

1993: Stéphane Lebeau
2009: Andrei Kostitsyn: Far more mature and focused than Lebeau. A natural leader and a great role model to a younger brother who is really blossoming under his brother's guidance. A much better influence than Stéphane was on Patrick who spent most of his days with bikers.

1993: Gilbert "The King" Dionne
2009: Tomas Plekanec: Shedding the "supporting" tag by the minute. Would point to himself to gain credit for a goal more rapidly than Gilbert, thus avoiding long delays at the scoring table. When he plays like a little girl, his facial hair doesn't offend as much as the one on Dionne's rabid face.

1993: Mike Keane
2009: Guillaume Latendresse. The real leader on this team. A single parent which is something Keane will never accomplish. Allows his baby to be breast fed by strippers that lap dance for him at strip clubs, allowing him to care for himself and his child at once.

On the blue line:

1993: Mathieu Schneider
2009: Roman Hamerlik. A much better Jew than Schneider despite having changed his name from Roman Hamerlitz.

1993: Éric Desjardins
2009: Marc-André Bergeron: Impenetrable force on the blue line. Can back-check better than any defenseman the Habs had in 93. Versatile and able to play in numerous situations. A perennial plus player. A great guy.

1993: Patrice Brisebois
2009: Patrice Brisebois. He'll come out of retirement after the remaining 4 Ds on this team come down with H1NI or some sort of groin pull.

The comparisons with the 93 squad are totally accurate. This team is just as good and it's a good sign for things to come. Now, if we can just get Jacques Martin fitted for a nice pink suede jacket.

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The Morning Skate for Sexy Friday, November 6th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a sexy Rachel Bilson...

  • From Big Fat Whale to puck throwing-back Franchise Saviour in 65+ minutes. TFS leads the Habs to a 2-1 SO win over the Bs. The ladies above are confused. Shout out to Tits as well who did all the work on the Habs goal. More later today;
  • Spezza gets his first goal of the season, the OT winner over the Bolts;
  • Chris Higgins actually scores a goal in the Rangers win over the Oil;
  • Nucks win their 3rd straight with a lineup almost as depleted as the Habs;
  • Kings beat the Pens 5-2. Wait, that can't be right. [checks] It is. The Kings are 6-0-2 in their last 8? The Kings have the NHL's leading point getter? That can't all be right? [checks] It is.
Mmm, long form video highlights after a win.

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