Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Habs Sucked in Plain View: Preds 2 - Habs 0


My first thought goes to Guillaume Latendresse who owes a big bag of gratitude to the ailing Brian Gionta. Gui! was penciled out of this one against the Preds, and we all know what kind of music he would have faced back home as a result of this intended benching.

Unfortunately, Gui! came about as close as one can get to have as much impact on the face of a game as a healthy scratch. The open net in the third period that he couldn’t wrap his brain around didn’t help his chances to avert another imminent decision to keep him on the gallery.

My next thought goes to the rest of the team, sans Price. I would bench them all for the next game and call up every Bulldog.

Ensuite, the shots. It read 24-4 in favor of Nashville after one period. At this point, the numbers are so staggering that you just start to cheer for the math, hoping the trend will continue and leave the Habs on the wrong end of a 72-12 total. 55 shots. That’ll do.

One of the best games of Price’s career. Turns out the rest of the team couldn’t be bothered. The stage was right for a performance to remember in Nashville for the young country music loving cowboy, but a fortunate son he wasn’t. A great save by Carey in the early moments of the second period and another on Legwand midway through the third made it obvious that without TFS in nets the score would have pointed to how badly Montreal played on their night off. No, thanks to Price this is a game you had to watch to seize how terrible Montreal was, otherwise the close score could falsely conjure up unsuspecting thoughts of a tightly played game.

Does Big Tits want to play in this uniform? How does hockey sense just vanish? The flashes aren’t there. The effort is gone. It’s like a silent protest. It’s high time to send Andrei to wherever Gui! will be going for the next game, and that means nowhere near the ice.

Gomez is officially slumping. He’s not creating anymore. He doesn’t look like he’s taking time off but the jump is MIA. Like a kangaroo that’s been amputated at the knees.

The Lapierre experiment on the first line was a total bust. That won’t be happening again soon. Mathew Broderick and Helen Hunt had more success with a monkey in Project X. If the chimp’s still alive, get him fitted for a pair of skates.

As GG said: Fuck are they bad. No goals in Nashville. Wow.

The boys better take a very deep breath and give those muscles a deep stretch because the coach is going to run them to the ground at the next practice. No pucks, sand weights at the ankles, lots of cookies and no milk, type of practice. There will be puke.

What a crappy Saturday evening. Even SNL sucked.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Yee-Haw! It's a country-fried Nashville Preview and Open Thread, Dagnabit!

The Canadiens, fresh off a win over the desert dogs, roll their double-wide into Nashville's barn to take on the Predators. Yep, I went there twice in the first sentence. Listen, you can't have a place called The Grand Ole Opry as your claim to fame and expect a cliche-free preview.

Waiting in line at the honky-tonk bar details: Live from Nashville's Sommet Center at 7:00 pm, on RDS

Hotter than a Taylor Swift/Carrie Underwood "duet": Pleks continues to lead the team in scoring with nary a dependable winger to be found. Squid and Gionta still scoring. Price stopped everything that didn't involve an illegal kicking motion or a spear to the throat. The Urologist made one of those plays we all hoped he would. For the Preds, JP Dumont is scoring at almost a point-per-game and Shea Weber and Ryan Suter are the stud defenders all Habs fans can cast envious glances at.

Colder than the corpse of Tennessee Ernie Ford: Same old song and line dance for the Habs: Gui! Max, AK46. When do we stop giving Gomez chances and turn on him? Nashville is 29th in goals scored and dead last on the powerplay, so let's just assume their cold side is everyone else.

A hurtin' kinda feelin':
Jaro 2.0 limped off to possibly join Markov, O'Byrne & Gill in the defence infirmary. Other than the fact that they have stone hands, the forwards seem healthy. Colin Wilson is the only long-term Predator injury.

Between the fence posts: Win and you're in should see Price play in the spiritual home of that crap music he loves so much. For the Preds, Dan Ellis and Pekka Riine have almost identical records. Whether Nashville trots out Brooks or Dunn, the results seem to be the same.

Fussin' and a feudin': Wait, there's a Predators blog? Yep, and it's called On the Forecheck.

Post-Game Country Bear Jambaroo: Check out some of these hee-hawtees, then hit the nearest bar with swinging doors and a hitching post out front.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Friday, November 13, 2009

GoldenGirl11 makes her reviewing debut - Habs 4, Yotes 2

HF29 fell asleep, HF10's kids don't let him stay awake that late, HF4 has real life stuff today and Panger is dead. As a result, we have turned to GG11 for the game review. Her efficient use of words is a tribute to fine blogging everywhere. This kid's got a real future. Without further ado, here's GG11's debut as a game reviewer:

"They sucked. We sucked less."

Pretty fucking accurate.

Read the whole fucking thing...

It's a Sexy Friday the 13th Morning Skate

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Sophie Monk in a bikini...

  • Well, you can imagine our surprise, when after a 0-0 first period that literally put us to sleep, we awoke to find the Habs had scored 4 goals! 2 on the PP! And won in regulation! Then we looked at the shot totals (20 apiece!) and are impressed the rest of you stayed awake. More later;
  • Ray Emery gets some sweet, sweet revenge, then possibly kicks the crap out of someone, beating his former team 5-1;
  • Boston loses in a shootout in a real goalie battle;
  • Devils take care of the Pens, in Pensburgh, going to 9-0 on the road. Wow;
  • Kovy comes back, gets 3 points to help the Thrash beat the Rangers;
  • We're pretty sure there were some games involving Western teams;
  • In case you missed it in the comments yesterday, Komi is out for 3 weeks.
Here are your highlights. Includes actual Habs goals!

Read the whole fucking thing...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Meh, whatever, it's a Coyotes game preview and open thread

My excitement for this team has hit bottom. I'm not gonna say rock bottom, because there are still like, a bunch of games to go. Plenty of time to really bring out the suckage. But we're almost a quarter of the way into the season, and my attitude can be nicely summed up in one word, meh. Is that even a word? Who the fuck knows. Let's hit the bullet points to discover why I'm so blah about this team:
  • We can't score. 2 measly goals in our last 3 games;
  • This team really doesn't play anything that could be described as "entertaining hockey";
  • Losing. This team has more regulation losses than any team in the league except the woeful Hurricanes;
  • Beyond the Giant Mexican Squid and Pleks, no one seems to be doing anything out there except "skating" around in a purple haze;
  • There is no way I can envision this team doing anything in the playoffs, if they even make it that far;
  • The man who should be our most exciting player, TFS, seems to be rife with issues, maybe media-imposed, maybe self-imposed, who knows;
  • This whole cash grab 100th anniversary celebration has turned into a farce, if not a downright embarrassment;
  • We suck.
Your reasons may differ.

OK enough with my old man complaining about you kids on my lawn, let's go back to the bullets to set up the game. I'm too meh to do anything else. And it's a game that I'm totally meh about, given that it's Phoenix. Ooh, feel the history. Of bankruptcy court.
  • 9 PM ET start at Jobing.com Arena. I'll be sleeping by midway through the 2nd;
  • Habs have lost 3 of their last 4, as have the Yotes. This is the only meeting this season between the teams;
  • Five for Howling is a good source for all things Phoenix;
  • There are no hot Habs;
  • Conversely, everyone is cold. More specifically, The Urologist has zero points in 8 games (and counting);
  • Did you know the Habs lead the league in minor penalties? You do now. I think about half of them have been for shooting the puck over the glass;
  • Yotes riding some great golatending from Bryzgalov, who's in the top 5 in the league in GAA, save %, and shutouts;
  • Shane Doan is worth a point per game. Gang Bang Lang (god I miss that) has 8 points this season;
  • Lines at practice yesterday were GMS, Pleks-Tits-Pyatt, Metro-Moen-PatCHes, Laps-Gui:(-White. Once again, CHips gets screwed;
  • My favourite quote from all my reading for this preview, from Jaro 2.0: "If we scored three or four goals a night, we’d be a totally different team." Amen, Jaro;
  • For your post-game adult entertainment, just go walk around an Arizona State campus. Here's some of what you'll see.
Let's hear your thoughts in the comments Or not, I don't care. Meh, whatever.

UPDATE - oh look, there's a game review from 4 just below this. Go read it.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Flames 1 - Saint-Nicks 0 ... No, I mean Flames 1 - Wild 0, ... No, I mean Flames 1 - 80s Devils 0


Just wanna squeeze this one in before we start commenting on the game tonight at Do Not Pass Go Do Not Collect 200$ Arena.

Quantitatively, I will offer you as many words on the game as the Habs gave you goals.

Have a nice day.

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, November 12th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of FOX canceling yet another Joss Whedon show...

Habs head to the desert tonight for what I'm sure will be a huge crowd in Phoenix.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Morning Skate Remembers for November 11th

After another loss, it's always good for some perspective. And today is a good day for perspective. I think I said this in last year's Remembrance Day Post but I want to say again - I hate it when sports announcers and journalists and even players use war metaphors to describe games. War is war; sports are a diversion. Sports aren't life and death, even though sometimes we treat them that way. Soldiers fighting to protect our freedom is really life and death. Remember that.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Golly! It's an old-timey Flames Preview and Open Thread

Who does this floozie think she is?

I reckon the Club Athletique Canadien is having a pretty average National Hockey Association season. While we have some dillies playing, the squad is hovering around the .500 mark. And we are coming off a depressing loss to the Renfrew Creamery Kings. Tonight's match starts promptly at 7:30 at the Montreal Arena. Get yourself all gussied up, catch the #11 streetcar at Craig Street and ride it all the way there.

Our club has some very keen players right now. Newsy Lalonde is tearing up the league at more than a goal per game pace. Didier Pitre is right there with him. Georges "I hope some day they name a trophy after me" Vézina is continuing his outstanding rookie campaign, leading the league in GAA. The rest of our boys - Poulin, Bernier, Laviolette, and Betrand nous font fiers, unlike those English pig dog Wanderers. I do find this English-French divide depressing however. I'm sure one day it will all be cleared up. I can only imagine that some day the newspapermen of the future will applaud the ethnic and cultural diversity this Canadiens team will have, if only the Czar would stop oppressing the Russian players and let them seek their fortune in North America.

But nuts! This team is really getting my goat. We are making a lot of boners in our defensive zone, leaving poor Vézina alone to get fed to the wolves. Maybe the rigours of the 16-game schedule are finally catching up to us. Gee willikers, playing like this, there is really no way we can catch the Ottawa Hockey Club in the standings.

For your post-game naughty entertainment joint, head over to Sammy's in the basement of 231 St. James Street (knock four times and ask for Jimmy). Rumour has it the ladies are exposing their ankles there now.

Are you jazzed for the game? Let's hear it in the comments.

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, November 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Marissa Miller in a bikini...

Habs lose to play the red-hot Flames tonight.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Monday, November 9, 2009

It's the obligatory classy and snark-free Hall of Fame post!

Mazel Tov to the incredible Hall class being enshrined today:

  • Stevie Y
  • Brett "I'm an American, dammit" Hull
  • Luuuuuuc Robitaille (I actually had a CEGEP class with him once, but that's a story for another time)
  • Brian "Who me? I never played for the Leafs" Leetch
  • Evil genius and satanic servant Lou Lamoriello
OK, some snark. But seriously, that's some fucking group. Next year, Lindros will sully them all.

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Morning Skate for Monday, November 9th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the fall of the Berlin Wall...

New week, new hope. Maybe not.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Lightning Crashes Habs INSTA-REVIEW - Tampa 3 - Montreal 1

We just need the creepy bald angel from the "Lightning Crashes" video for the entire Lightning cliche catalogue

Well, the CBC hasn't even taken us over to Don Cherry's Maple Leaf lovefest yet and here's the Lightning Fast Insta-Review. Bear with us, cause this is going to be even more stream of consciousness than usual:


Plan the Parade: Uh, no. There will be no parade this year, unless Andrei Markov is WAY better than we all think. However, some pluses for tonight included:
  • Pleks, still decidedly un-Zombielike. Another solid performance, even doing Mad Max the Pussy's (tm Pee-air McSplooge) job by getting so far under Vinny Lecavalier's skin he was itching like he just slept with one of the girls he met back in junior in Rimouski. Days until the gnashing of teeth because Pleks prices himself out of the Habs range: 134.
  • Big Tits, less Zombielike with each passing moment. A few nice moves, seemed engaged, even threw himself a big hit. Baby steps for the epileptic dullard, eh?
  • The kids, Max-Pac, Carle, Whitey, Pyatt. None of them are burners, none of them have can't miss written all over them right now, but none of them looked out of place. Once again, Panger's boy Chips is getting passed by on the depth chart. Poor bugger.
  • The Urologist, not looking like he learned defence from a correspondence course (tm Moeman). This evening, abysmal he was not. Well, that's something, I guess.
  • Price, not giving up a backbreaking, stupid goal. Of course, he's not off the hook entirely(see below).
  • Coach Martin, who appears to have a plan in place. The Habs came out flying at the start of each period, adjustments seem to be made during intermissions, and when the lines start shuffling it doesn't seem to be desparate grab-bag bullshit. I think he's a very good coach and may actually win this team some games by outsmarting someone on the other side.
  • Giant Mexican Squid, not infalible but hella fun to watch. AnnTaylorNinnyChicomaki made a half dozen stops when GMS was buzzing that would have made this game look a whole lot different.
  • Glen Metropolit, still awesome. That is all.
The Sky is Falling: Remember when a loss to the Lightning would have been a disaster? I can't remember when the Habs just trampled one of these fucking Southern division teams and it pisses me off. I grew up watching this franchise steal the lunch money of teams like LA, Pittsburgh, the old Atlanta Flames and Minnesota North Stars week-in, week-out. This new NHL shit blows. Also blowing:
  • The defence on the first goal. Hey, Hamrlik, how about fucking hitting the guy in front of the net before he gets his FOURTH free whack at the puck?
  • The defence on the second goal. Hey, Hamrlik, how about fucking tying up your man on the backcheck instead of letting him get a free shot on the rebound? Which brings us to ...
  • The big, fat whale Cari rebound on the second goal. Ugh. And come to think of it, Price should probably have had that third goal too. It beat him and hit the post, then the refs got it wrong on the replay, but an inch lower and it was in clean. Bad luck, but he needed to do better.
  • Seriously, I know Hamr is doing some heavy lifting right now, but there was a point late in the second where the man had a wide-open shot from the point and his shot was so weak he wouldn't have broken Alex Tanguay with it. Someone get him some time in the hyperbaric chamber or a night off.
  • Oh, of course Mr. Glass Tanguay comes back and scores a goal. Stupid pussy fucker. Naturally, he also left the game with an injury at one point. Probably his ovaries.
  • Hey, notice I didn't mention Gui or Mad Max yet? It's because they did sweet fuck all. Again. Sit both their asses for fuck's sake.
  • ABC is showing Cinncinati/UConn as their primetime game. Is it an Elite Eight match-up in the NCAA tourney? Why no, it's a fucking football game. Because you know, a match-up full of hot babes in the stands like USC/Arizona State or a legendary traditional rivalry like Oklahoma/Nebraska isn't on right now somewhere in the continental US. Yeah, I know that has nothing to do with the game, but fuck me, Cinncinati/UConn?!!?!
Chez Paree bound? Well, I wouldn't kick any of the guys mentioned in the Plan the Parade section out, but I sure as hell ain't letting them skip the line. The Habs didn't play all that bad tonight, but AnnTaylorNinnyChicoMaki played great and they lost. Unfortunately, this looks like the lot for this team unless GMS starts potting two a game or Pleks gets some damn help. This team looks more and more like a 7th or 8th seed that's going out in the first round, unless Price continues to morph into the actual TMS and Markov comes back as some sort of Orr/Lidstrom hybrid (the Orrdstrom?).

Read the whole fucking thing...

Vinny vide vice - Lightning game preview and open thread

Let's step back to both last spring and last summer when The Cavalier was the subject of all sorts of rumours (since confirmed) that Bob was trying to get him to Montreal. Any idea what this team would have looked like this year? Vinny leading the first line with Tanguay on his wing? It's a Bertrand Raymond wet dream! Well, you and BR can imagine what that would have been like tonight as those two skate together on Bell Centre ice.

Waiting in line details - 7 PM at the Phone Booth, on CBC for those of you who don't live in CBC Leafs country. So like, everyone but Quebec? These teams are pretty equal - sitting on the Eastern conference bubble, hanging around .500. Clash of the titans.

Pay your cover charge to - Raw Charge is "the static cling that brings Tampa Bay Lightning fans together." I like to think of FHF as the virtual strip club that brings Habs fans together.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Carey? Price? Maybe? My god did he show something in our last game. Will it continue? Has he turned some sort of corner? Ha, I keed. It's one fucking game. Let's see. Pleks and Squid continue to tie the team lead with 14 points. Métro is almost a point per game over his last 8 games, and 2 goals over his last 3 games. He's our secondary scoring now.

Skanky Habs to watch - can we call the Urologist a failure yet? No points in 6 games. Where was he on the 5 on 3 the other night? His "defense" is a joke. The Subbanator could do the job better, and with better post-game quotes.

Hot sexy Bolts to watch - Stamkos leads the Bolts with 17 points. St. Louis right behind at 16. After a slow start, Tangy has 6 points over his last 6 games. Some decent goaltending too, with Niittymaki 1-0-2, 1.60, .950 in his last 4.

Skanky Bolts to watch - D Andrej Meszaros pointless in 6.

On the main stage - Usual suspects on the shelf for the Habs. Rhino was seen yesterday "skating vigorously." Bolts will be deprived of prized rookie Victor Hedman, victim of a nasty (though I think legal) Chris Neil hit Thursday. No real lineup notes as of this writing, but I'm guessing TFS will be between the stripper poles.

In the VIP Room - I don't know if you've caught the little Mad Max - McSplooge cat fight going on. Basically McSplooge thinks Mad Max is a pussy. Max denies it. Anyway, what's really lost here is that Mad Max and his compatriote Gui:( are playing like shit. They've been given chance after chance, especially as Pleks' wingers, temps de glace up the wazoo, and are doing nothing except sucking. Gui has 3 points for fuck's sake, Max 5. Wake the fuck up, 'stie.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - Walking home from work the other day I noticed a very large sign on Ste Catherine for Club Temptation. Is it new? Did they just get a big sign? Did one of the other places rename itself? I need to investigate further.

Join me in the comments wishing GoldenGirl11 a hearty Mazel Tov for her son's bar mitzvah today. I have it on good authority Mr. Dr. GG11 forced her to leave her iPhone at home from synagogue this morning, but I bet she sneaks out of the party tonight to watch the game and comment.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Friday, November 6, 2009

Shades of 93: Habs 2 - Bruins 1 (S.O.)

The 2009-10 edition of the Montreal Canadiens does it like it's 1993. Take it to the extra frame and win it there. The Habs won 10 of 16 playoff games in overtime to capture the Stanley Cup. This year's Habs have won 7 out of the first 16 games of the regular season to solidify a firm grip on 7th place in the Eastern conference (watch out for those 8th place Flyers who hold 4 games in hand on the Habs). So, sure, it's exactly the same thing.

It starts in goal:

1993: Patrick Roy
2009: Carey Price or Jaro Halak: Both are Roy's equals and both could make the "I'm going to Disney World" chant confusing. One would say it in an impossible eastern european accent while the other wouldn't offer sufficient decibels to make himself understood. Roy invented the butterfly, Price invented the jellybutt.

Top forwards:

1993: Kirk Muller
2009: Scott Gomez - just as Kirk is work as Muller. Call him Scott is work. Just as shifty a player, a better skater and makes a far more convincing taco than your assistant coach. Would never let Don Cherry kiss him on the face.

1993: Brian Bellows
2009: Brian Gionta. The better Brian. Much denser hairline. Capable of scoring goals at a better pace and will often do so on one leg. Could play in the NHL even if one of his legs were amputated at the knee. Bellows needs all four limbs to operate which reveals a striking weakness.

1993: Vincent Damphousse
2009: Mike Cammalleri. This guy takes Damphousse out to lunch and sticks him with the bill. Not in the same class. Can probably score 40, just in overtime.

Supporting forwards:

1993: Stéphane Lebeau
2009: Andrei Kostitsyn: Far more mature and focused than Lebeau. A natural leader and a great role model to a younger brother who is really blossoming under his brother's guidance. A much better influence than Stéphane was on Patrick who spent most of his days with bikers.

1993: Gilbert "The King" Dionne
2009: Tomas Plekanec: Shedding the "supporting" tag by the minute. Would point to himself to gain credit for a goal more rapidly than Gilbert, thus avoiding long delays at the scoring table. When he plays like a little girl, his facial hair doesn't offend as much as the one on Dionne's rabid face.

1993: Mike Keane
2009: Guillaume Latendresse. The real leader on this team. A single parent which is something Keane will never accomplish. Allows his baby to be breast fed by strippers that lap dance for him at strip clubs, allowing him to care for himself and his child at once.

On the blue line:

1993: Mathieu Schneider
2009: Roman Hamerlik. A much better Jew than Schneider despite having changed his name from Roman Hamerlitz.

1993: Éric Desjardins
2009: Marc-André Bergeron: Impenetrable force on the blue line. Can back-check better than any defenseman the Habs had in 93. Versatile and able to play in numerous situations. A perennial plus player. A great guy.

1993: Patrice Brisebois
2009: Patrice Brisebois. He'll come out of retirement after the remaining 4 Ds on this team come down with H1NI or some sort of groin pull.

The comparisons with the 93 squad are totally accurate. This team is just as good and it's a good sign for things to come. Now, if we can just get Jacques Martin fitted for a nice pink suede jacket.

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Morning Skate for Sexy Friday, November 6th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a sexy Rachel Bilson...

  • From Big Fat Whale to puck throwing-back Franchise Saviour in 65+ minutes. TFS leads the Habs to a 2-1 SO win over the Bs. The ladies above are confused. Shout out to Tits as well who did all the work on the Habs goal. More later today;
  • Spezza gets his first goal of the season, the OT winner over the Bolts;
  • Chris Higgins actually scores a goal in the Rangers win over the Oil;
  • Nucks win their 3rd straight with a lineup almost as depleted as the Habs;
  • Kings beat the Pens 5-2. Wait, that can't be right. [checks] It is. The Kings are 6-0-2 in their last 8? The Kings have the NHL's leading point getter? That can't all be right? [checks] It is.
Mmm, long form video highlights after a win.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Ooohhhhh yeah, it's a Boston game preview and open thread

GG11 really outdid herself with this one

Well look at what we have here. A mediocre Bruins team against a mediocre Habs team. This should be epic! Well not really. And it's tough to get the Bs hate on with both teams so meh. Maybe HF10 should have written this; his Bs hate always burns hotter than a Wooderson joint. OK, so I'm just gonna ramble a bit while you don't pay attention because you're staring at today's game pic. I'm not paying attention either, so don't worry about insulting me by barely reading.

The game starts at 7 in Beantown and there will be hot McSplooging action. Though given the mediocrity of the two teams, it may be difficult for McSplooge to find someone to splooge over. This is the first of 6 meetings this year. Including last year's playoff nightmare, Habs have lost 9 straight to the B's. Bring on the double digits. No Bs preview would be complete without a link to our good friend Cornelius.

Your hot Habs worth watching are the only players who seem to be able to score, GMS and Pleks. On the lettuce and tomato cold side, there's just about everyone else. Of course we don't need to mention Tits, pointless in 6 games now. The Urologist is pointless in 5. And take a deep breath before you read TFS' stats in his last 7 games - 0-6-0, 4.24, .851. But he's chill about it.

For the Bs, there is no one hot at all, unless you count Krejci who has a fever because of the Swine Flu. The Bs can't score. They've been shut out in their last 2 games and their PP is dead last in the league. They have managed to stay in games with some good goaltending though. Particular shout out of suckitude to Michael Ryder, pointless in 6. Oh man that's a jinx.

This might be a very long injury paragraph. The internets were saying that Gio is a game time decision, but RDS has him playing. Hal Gill might be out a couple of weeks at least. Dagger's concussion will keep him out for a week. Bs aren't faring much better on the injury front, without Savard, Lucic, and the aforementioned H1N1'er Krejci. Stubbs' and RDS' Tweets have TFS starting, and the news that Pyatt and White are playing, while Stewie and CHips are out. No offense JM, but CHips is not the problem here.

For some post-game semi-adult entertainment in the Boston spirit, enjoy this photo gallery of NESN sideline babe Heidi Watney. Feel free to let it start a Heidi vs. EA debate in the comments.

Sorry you're stuck with our old-fashioned blogging comments unlike HI/O's fancy-schmancy new live chat. Feel free to go over there if you want. Just make sure not to swear or say anything bad about anyone. Good luck with that.

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, November 5th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning your 27th championship. Habs are never gonna catch up now...

Not-so-big not-so-bad Bruins tonight. Not that that will help us.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Alright alright alright: Atlanta 5 - Habs 4

Let me tell you what Melba Toast is packin' right here, all right. We got 4:11 Positrac outback, 750 double pumper, Edelbrock intake, bored over 30, 11 to 1 pop-up pistons, turbo-jet 390 horsepower. We're talkin' some fuckin' muscle ... huh? The game? Alright alright alright, so there was this game last night. It's all fuckin' games, man. All fuckin' games. Like this thing between me and the Jaroman, alright? Like I'm no fat whale, man, just like he's no Dodge Charger drivin', beer swillin', rodeo bustin', Garth Brooks lover like me and Gorges, you know? Man, I love Gorges. I love me them redheads more, but Gorges is cool. He can always get a joint when you need one. Say, man, you got a joint? It'd be a lot cooler if you did. Alright alright alright.

Anyway, Pleks, man, he's just doin' what Pleks wants to do man. He and the GIant Mexican Squid? They just keep livin', man. L-I-V-I-N. Nothin' the coach or Rich Peverley or that Russian dude in the other nets could do about that man. Those dudes are alright.Hey, man, did you see that girl behind the net with the really tight Price jersey on? Man, I totally missed that third goal because of that chick, man. Playin' in Montreal is awesome man, with all these friendly young CEGEP girls. That's what I love about these CEGEP girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age. Last year, when me and Higgins and the Tits brothers would fire up a joint and ... what? Game review? Alright alright alright my man. Man, you got more rules than Coach and Gainey. The older I get, the more rules they try to get me to follow. Stop smokin' joints before games. Stop sleepin' with CEGEP girls. Stop the puck. Man, I'm just tryin' to be Carey Price, you know?

Anyway, man, it's alright we lost, you know? 'Cause we're just out there to dog some chicks and smoke some joints, and drink some beer you know? Everyone's all "man, you're so laid-back Price, show some fire" you know? And I'm all "listen man, if Jaro wants to play, let the little dude play, you know?" But that's all right, we'll worry about that later. We need someone to be worryin' about that defence, my man. No Markov, no Rhino ... man, you remember when Rhino scored on his own net? Crazy, man. Coach Carbo was all "man, that ain't right" but you know what? In the end, all it did was cost us a game, man. Just a fuckin' game. Rhino, he's just gonna be the man who keeps on keepin' on, you know?

Game review? Man, you gotta slow down a little about this game review shit, man. It's gettin' tiresome. Alright alright alright where were we? No Markov, no Rhino, no Hal Gill, Carle and Bergeron givin' the puck up like a CEGEP girl on Crescent Street, you know? Listen man, you got a joint? It'd be a lot cooler if you did. I already asked you that? Alright alright alright.

So that game, man, it was some sort of game, you know? Like I saw at least three new Molson Zone girls, man, and they were alright alright alright. I love those Molson Zone girls, man. Anyway, we lost, man and let me tell you this, the older you get the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow so whatever, man. We'll be better with everyone healthy and doin' their thing, man. I think we're playin' the Bruins next, man. That Lucic dude he's from BC too, alright alright alright. I bet he has a joint.

Aerosmith, 2 weeks. Don't forget.

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, November 4th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of geeking out with Olivia Munn...

  • Crap crap crap. Habs come back a bit in their 5-4 loss, but really need to learn to play defense. Your October player of the month TFS made a bunch of great saves, but also let in a weak one, maybe two. More later today, if one of us can stomach it;
  • At least the Leafs lose too;
  • As do the B's;
  • Pens tie an NHL record with their 7th straight road win to stat the season;
  • Nucks take care of the Rangers.
Last night's game put us in a really shitty mood. Look out world.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

It's a Habs V. Thrashers Preview and Open Thread

Sometime in the near future, we will be Visited by aliens. Count on it. Or are they here already? Perhaps in the form of struggling Belarussian forwards? Will they be of peace? Do they have the cure for cancer? Will TFS ever win a game? You can find out all the answers tonight at 7:30 on RDS, or 8:00 on ABC. We will be Visited.

Take me to your leader - Pleks continues to be the Habs scoring leader, with 13 points (tied with Squid). Game in game out, he's been our best player. I hope I never get tired of writing that. For the Thrash, Rich Peverley also leads with 13 points and is riding a 7-game point streak. Your alien leader is Anna (pictured above), played by Brazilian hottie Morena Baccarin, who the Whedonites will remember as "companion" (high-class prostitute) Inara from Firefly. Your Earth-bound leader is FBI agent Erica Evans, played by Elizabeth Mitchell, Juliet from Lost. (Is Juliet dead? Can you survive a nuclear blast if said blast resets the past and / or future? Man I am geeking out in this preview.)

The real lizards - first off, I don't even know if these new Visitors are in fact lizards underneath, like their Visiting counterparts from the 1980's miniseries that this V is a remake / reinterpretation of. But roll with me here for a second. There is something wrong with 46DD (© L Dude). He's unhappy. The most recent theory is that he doesn't have anyone to talk Russian with on the team. Or is it really that he has no one to talk alien with? We're through the looking glass, people.

As for the evil ugliness on the new V, we really don't know who's skanky yet, but I vote for smarmy newscaster Chad Decker, played by Scott Wolf. I still haven't forgiven Bailey for his performance during the intervention.

This preview idea is starting to lose steam. You know what would help? Guinea pig eating!



Your 3-man resistance cells - at practice yesterday, GMS was together. Pleks had La Connection Française on his wings. That put 46DD on the 4th line again, with CHips and Stewie.

In the pressbox watching V - looks like Dagger is still out. BGL has back problems again. Can we just cut him to get some cap space? As we reported in TMS, Hal Gill was injured at practice yesterday. On the good news front, Rhino skated this morning (alone, before the team). Stubbs is tweeting that Carle is in fact playing for Gill, and that TFS is getting the start.

Post-game alien adult entertainment - the 9 Greatest Human-Alien sex scenes.

Try and keep your comments V spoiler-free, for those of us DVR'ing

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, November 3rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of sending it back to NY for Game 6...

Miss Scarlett, I do declare it's Atlanta tonight.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Monday, November 2, 2009

Karma's a mofo'ing bitch


No really, I don't think I could have been angrier Saturday night when the fucking fucktard fans started singing with 4 minutes left and a two-goal lead. The next time that happens, if you're at the game, go ahead and punch those fucking fucktards in the face. Tell 'em HF29 sent you. I'll get you bailed out, gratis.

I almost wish we would have lost the game, just to get the fans to never fucking do that again. Almost.

I actually do like the song though. Enjoy the original below, with the worst lip-synching you ever saw. Damn stoned hippies.


hockey vid via Puck Daddy

Read the whole fucking thing...

The Morning Skate for Monday, November 2nd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning in your return "home"...

  • Red alert! Ovie with an "upper body injury" suffered in the Caps' OT loss to the BJ's. No one's talking about what it is, or how long;
  • B's lose again. Bruins schadenfreude is the new Leafs schadenfreude;
  • Andrew Raycroft cools off the red-hot Avs with a shutout;
  • BR is complaining about something this morning, we're really not sure what exactly. Something about the Richard Zednik trade. Seriously.
Earliest. TMS. Ever. The time change is really fucking with us.

Read the whole fucking thing...

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The Boos on Halloween: Habs 5 - Leafs 4 (S.O.)

Bravo to this man last night for telling it like it is

This is going to be short and there may be more later on.

How in the name of Gui! do the Habs need to resort to a shootout when they're holding a 2-goal lead at home against the last place Leafs with less than 4 minutes left in the game.

This after our fans start karoaokying na na na na heh heh goodbye.

This after CBC's Hughson recalls how signature Jacques Martin team can just shut down the opponent when leading in the late stages of a game.

The best thing about this game is the fact that I missed it live to go to a Halloween party where I dressed in the lamest costume ever.

If you want me to post a picture of it, you need to give me reasons why.

A- Why I should post the pic.
B- Why the hell this game went to a shootout.

Komisarek got what he deserved and the scuffles with Max and Gui! suggest something may have been brewing beneath the surface in that locker room for some time. Otherwise, it was just business with the douche now being on the other bench.

This is Jaro's team, by the way. Tough for all TMS lovers. TMS can wait. The time is Jaro.

Read the whole fucking thing...