The Weekend Open Thread of Love is really fucking hungover

Holy crap I'm not as young as I used to be. Happy 35th to the K-man. I need to stop drinking vodka.

ANYWAY, I bring this up because before the boys got totally ripped, there was some real hockey discussion last night. The consensus seemed to be that the Habs haven't improved, and people have lost faith in Bob. Even with, or because of, the Mara and Moen signings. Is that true? Discuss.

TWOTOL is off to the land of the 56k modems after he has some aspirin and maybe a bloody mary. Hair of the dog, kids.

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Welcome Depth Defenceman!... and Sexy Friday!

In Bob We Trust just signed someone named Paul Mara. He's 29, 6'4, shoots left, and enjoys long walks in the park.

Start planning the parade.

UPDATE: This post has been Sexy Friday'd by HF29. Meet Alexis Skye, who's also 6'4". She shoots left as well, and enjoys laying her tits on top of the heads of 5'8" forwards.

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The Morning Skate for Friday, July 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of putting up 50 points...

• Turns out the Habs were sold for $633 million. And somehow all parties have avoided paying any taxes on the deal. Fucking lawyers;
• Really enjoyed La Presse's François Gagnon taking on the Koivu haters with the headline: "Who you gonna blame now?"
• Pleks denies the rumours he wants to go to Russia;
• Boy there was a lot of crying at the Sakic retirement announcement. We thought Pierre Lacroix was particularly embarrassing;
• The Lightning ink 2nd overall pick Victor Hedman to a 3-year deal.

It's a beautiful Sexy Friday in Montreal. Enjoy it.

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Au revoir, mon capitaine

Lap dance to Sonia who put this in the comments yesterday. It made mom of HF29 cry. Everyone should watch.

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Koivu a Duck

Now that just doesn't seem right.

One year, 3.25 M.

Plays with close friend Teemu. Buys house in Orange County. Stars in The O.C reunion episode.

Ed's note (well, HF29 note) - please scroll down to the next excellent post from HF10 for a little more analysis on what Koivu meant to us all.

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Kovalev? Goodbye. Koivu? Good luck. Komisarek? Good riddance.

Not shown: traitorous fucking pigdog defensemen.

So it's been a week since the grand free-agent frenzy started, and the Canadiens are a mixed bag of what the fuck that really won't get sorted out until we see if Bob actually had a plan or just threw money at anyone who wasn't part of last year's monumental cock-up of a season. Those types of arguments will last as long as Leaf fans gloat about how Flyers North will beat the Hobbits/midgets/Lollipop Guild/Roloff Family into submission next year (which should be until they realize that at some point, all those thugs will take penalties and pay dearly for it - we hope.) I'm reserving judgement on who the Habs kept, solely because I don't have a fucking clue what will happen. I'm resigned to hoping for the best and expecting something far less. Sort of like the last 15 years.

No, today is the day to talk about the ones who went away, got away, or were shamefully pushed away. Kovalev. Komisarek. Koivu. In that order.

Kovy, the Superstar that Never Was:

And so the era of Kovalev ends fittingly, with all sorts of rumours, mystery, rabid fans defending "L'Artiste", just as many rabid fans wishing he would fuck off, and an anticlimactic finish (the Sens? That's it? Not the Penguins to play with Malkin, not LA to mess up the young kids, not a reunion with Jagr in Russia?)

On any given night, Kovalev was the best player in the rink or the worst. He was dominating and controlling the puck for minutes at a time, or shying away from contact on the boards. He was making a mockery of physics with a wrist shot from an impossible angle or taking a stupid penalty. He is, for a generation of younger Habs fans, the closest thing to a non-goalie superstar they have ever known. To the older generation, he's a modern day Pierre Larouche; talented beyond most mere mortals and never able to put it all together in the package it deserved.

The stories surrounding Kovalev run the gamut from "slacker/cancer/bad influence/only tries when Koivu is out" to "great teammate/amazing work ethic/great mentor for the kids". Given what I saw on the ice and the implosion of the dressing room last year (including Kovy's infamous walk in the snow with Gainey) I lean more towards trouble than terrific. And with Gainey clearly looking to take this team in an entirely different direction on ice and in the room, Kovy's time was clearly up. I will remember the fantastic performance in the playoffs against Boston, the epic comeback against the Rangers, the night he crushed Darcy Tucker, the countless one-timers that sizzled into the top corner, the myriad of tricks, the goal he destroyed Chara and Thomas on. But I'll also remember the bizarre pronouncements, the amount of times I shouted at the tv because it looked like Kovy was taking a shift or a night off, and that I knew I would kill to put his talent into the body of a guy who played full-bore like Steve Begin just to see what would happen.

In the end, I don't have any ill will towards Kovalev. I appreciate that he came to Montreal and then re upped with them when they were struggling badly on ice and off. But I am not about to shed a tear for his departure or curse at him for going.

I will save my bile for ...

Komisarek, the ungrateful turncoat:

(Note to Leaf fans who seem to think this Komisarek hate is irrational: Please review what you said about your former captain when he was contemplating his future about one year ago. That's a pretty big glass house you live in.)

It's not that he went to the Leafs. I hate the Leafs, but I hate the Bruins more. What drives me (and so many other Habs fans) to white-hot-levels of "Komisarek is a Judas" hatred is the perception that Komisarek essentially gave the finger to an organization that:

a) Announced he was priority number one in free agency, over the beloved team captain, the talented Russian fan-favourite, and the French-Canadian scorer the team gave up a first-round pick for just a year earlier;
b) Thought so highly of his input and contributions that they asked him to coach while he was injured this year;
c) From all reports, bent over backwards to help him and his family when his mother passed away; and
d) Made no secret of the fact that they considered him future captain material.

Komisarek received an offer from Bob Gainey that was reported as 5 years, $20 million. He left for the Leafs for 5 years, $22.5 million. According to reports, Komisarek never even gave the Habs the opportunity to match the offer. He bolted. That, more than anything is what hurts. The franchise drafted him, taught him, had plans for him. The fans adored him, defended his questionable tactics when other teams accused him of late hits, not fighting, or cheap shots. We all suffered the guffaws and countless youtube replays of Komisarek getting destroyed by Milan Lucic and stuck by him. The Canadiens and the fans invested in Mike Komisarek, and he didn't invest anything back. That's why we're mad. That's why we turned so quickly. That's why next year, I will cheer every time he gets caught out of position trying to make a big hit, every time he gets thumped by Lucic, every time he takes a stupid penalty. That's why he's getting his ass booed at the Bell Centre for the rest of his life. Like that fucker Grabovski, he looked the Habs franchise in the eye and spit; So fuck him. He could have learned a thing or two from:

Koivu, the man who deserved better:

Lost among the rage over Komisarek's departure and the stupidity of a rally for an enigmatic 25 goal scorer was the shabby treatment doled out to the most important Montreal Canadien of the past decade. Saku Koivu never became the elite scorer his early seasons promised due to a combination of bad luck with injuries, bad linemates, lack of size, whatever. He never lead the Habs to a Cup, which is how legends usually get made in Montreal. He was never fully embraced by a large segment of the fan base, either because he wasn't Francophone, or didn't score highlight reel goals, or because he had the misfortune of being the leader of the most rudderless, Three Stooges-esque collection of Habs teams ever (thank you, Mr. Corey and Mr. Houle and Mr. Tremblay).

The measure of Koivu's worth to the team and city can't ever be quantified in points-per-game or trophies won. His tireless charity work, his ability to come back from knee injuries and cancer and almost losing an eye, his calm and dignified response to the barbs lobbed at him over language by the Guy Bertrands of the world, his willingness to get on with the business of playing hockey without complaining about his contract, or his linemates, or his lack of support from certain fans all speak to the man he was. Koivu was a throwback to an earlier incarnation of Montreal Canadien; The class of Beliveau, the guts of the Richards, the little big man tenaciousness of Joliat. He isn't as fast as he used to be, and he isn't strong enough to continue to battle for 25 minutes a night against the Getzlafs or Malkins of the world anymore. But his time with Tanguay and Kovalev last year and his work with kids like Little Tits and Gui! Gui! Gui! surely show that he had something to offer on the ice to go along with all he brings off it. Obviously none of us know what transpired between Koivu and Gainey over the past year, and we don't know what kind of offers or counteroffers were made. But in my opinion, Koivu deserves better treatment from the franchise he has served so well for so long. If by some miracle he returns, I will welcome him with open arms. If he is indeed done as a Canadien, I will wish him nothing but the best and hope that his next appearance at the Bell Centre results in a deafening ovation. He deserves that. He deserves better than what he's received so far.

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TMS Salutes Joe Sakic

After twenty years in the league, Joe Sakic is expected to announce his retirement tomorrow. Here are his stats and awards, but they don't really tell the whole story, do they? And it's a fucking amazing list of what he's done. But he's one of those players who just exudes class and leadership, our two favourite intangibles. And he may turn out to be the last player ever to stay with the same franchise for 20 years.

Enjoy retirement Joe. The 2010 Olympic team will miss you, but you deserve a nice vacation, not to mention every single accolade that's coming your way. And we're sure you'll kick some ass in whatever you do next.

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UFA-Day + 7

I maintain that Megan Fox can attract a quality UFA or two...this is certainly not a lame excuse to post hot chicks.

A week and a half after UFA Day and with the ensuing chaos reeked on the Habs roster, FHF thought it would be fun to provide it's devoted reader(s) with a little breakdown of what next season's roster would look like if the season started tonight - especially given the Habs don't have enought money to spend on any more mpact UFAs. For the next 5 years.

First line: this is based on Bob's statement that they may put some "muscle" on the top line because Scotty & Brian are midgets:

Max Pack-Gomez-Gionta

Which leaves the second scoring line looking like this:

Calamari-TurtlePlek-Big Tits

Thankfully this means Gui! will not be relied upon for scoring and can play next to Mad Max on the third line, with Dagger an upgrade (hopefully) on Greek Lightening in the scoring department. Maybe he'll fight a little more next season like Greek Lightening, too. (I'm going to miss writing "Greek Lightening." Greek Lightening Greek Lightening Greek Lightening. Ok. I'm good.)

Gui!-Mad Max-Dagger

Fourth line has some interesting options:

Stewart probably has a spot to lose, but hopefully Swedish import Mikeal Johansson will show enough skill to merit a spot, either on wing or at centre. Metro could also play here. The only prospect I can think of with a shot is Ryan White, who has Mike Keane-like upside, in Pierre Maguire-speak.

At centre, I hope My Boy CHips finally sews up a roster spot, with Metro or MJ as depth players. Ben Maxwell is in the mix as well. Guys like Brock Trotter (a porn name if I've ever heard one) and Louis Leblanc would have really long shots.

On RW, BGL's groin/back/carousing will limit his games-played, so let's hope Little Tits has a breakout season without Kovy the Kancer (just bitter...and he hasn't even lit up the Hab for a hat trick yet). If not, then I'm hoping Bob keeps one of his 10 UFA's - El Dandy, whose late season play hopefully earned him that 7th defencemen/spare winger contract Bob is looking to hand out.

Stewart/MJ - CHips/Metro - BGL/Little Tits/El Dandy

Defence and goaltending are a little easier:

Markov-2.0

Hamr-Georges

Big Wood- Rhino or Weber or Carle or PK

Unidentified UFA (El Dandy?)

TFS/Halak

So that's the way we see the Habs lineup looking on an early July afternoon. What are your thoughts?

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Farewell MJ

The only gloved hand that matters today.

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The Morning Skate for Tuesday, July 7th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of your girlfriend buying a gun...

• Habs' (or at least Habs fans') dreams of Francois Beauchemin end in Toronto, where he signs for 3 years at 3.8 mill per. Saw an interview with him on RDS this morning and he said he hoped to play in Montreal, but Bob's offer was not what he wanted in terms of years or numbers;
• Jacques Martin is happy with the midgets (minus Big Wood) Bob gave him, saying we got younger and faster (again, minus Big Wood). He also said he would consider the "group captain" thing;
• Jacques gets some help - Perry Pearn as assistant and Pierre Groulx as goalie coach. I think I speak for everyone when I say to Pierre LEAVE CAREY THE FUCK ALONE;
  
• Here's a headline that will make your morning: "NHL to investigate Leafs for tampering";
• Blackhawks have trouble with their fax machine;
• Canucks sign Andrew Raycroft. Pencil Luongo in for 80 games.
  

From the department of self-pimping
Montrealers may be familiar with the excellent local blog Midnight Poutine. Yours truly took a spin on their Métro Roulette. Writing without swearing or naked chicks wasn't easy. Someone go comment over there please. It's fucking embarrassing.

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Kovy jogs down the 417

Peace right back at ya, Kovy. Alex Kovalev, Ottawa Senator.

May your enigmatic ways frustrate SLC for years to come.

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Millio...Uh 200 Man March Won't Bring Kovy Back

200?

I've seen more people protest bans on rottweilers in Westmount.

Kovy, ciao bella.

Minister Farrakhan claims 4 million people marched for Kovy at the Bell Centre yesterday.

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The Morning Skate for Monday, July 6th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning your 15th major...

• Pleks is going to arbitration. "Mr Arbitrator, I would like to present evidence that Mr. Plekanec is, in fact, a zombie";
• Some people who wasted $300 on an authentic Reebok Kovalev jerseys protested for his return yesterday outside the Bell Centre;
• There was no such protest for Saku.

Can Kovy just sign somewhere else already so we can end this foolishness? And someone please sign Koivu, it's not fair to a guy that's all class.

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Happy Fourth of July American Comrades

Once again on this July 4th we are reminded that there are Habs fans everywhere. From New York to Tennessee to Cali, there are FHF readers. So to you, we wish you a damn fine Independence Day with much fireworks and beer. We'll even go so far as to chant "U-S-A! U-S-A!" But only because you produce so many fine babes, as seen in the American Flag bikini collection over at KSK. And you produce thrilling political drama like Sarah Palin resigning yesterday. My god that was fantastic - the rambling, the grammar, the honking geese in the background. Never change America.

Interesting piece over at La Presse this morning. Mathias Brunet thinks that all the Habs UFA's were overvalued, considering only one of the ten has signed somewhere, and Bob was right not to offer contracts. A La Presse reporter who says Bob knows what he's doing! It's bizarro world. Around the league, Rick Nash re-upped in Columbus for 8 years, and Ryan Smyth was traded to the Kings.

Will there be moves over the U.S. holiday weekend? Who knows. Consider this your weekend open thread of love. We'll check in with a new post when one of those petitions works.

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The Morning Skate for Friday, July 3rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a naked Bar Rafaeli video (no seriously, click on it, it's a naked Bar Rafaeli video. Greatest. Sexy Friday. Ever.)...

• We're starting to think Dany Heatley may have to slink back into the Ottawa dressing room;
• Hockey Canada unveils its invitees to Team Canada training camp for the Olympics. Notably absent are Spezza, Osgood, and Stamkos. Notably present is Lucic;
• El Dandy is waiting patiently for a Bob phone call. Actual quote from the article: 'I have my cell on me!"

If you're still trying to decide nicknames for the new guys on this Friday, make sure they're sexy. I hereby name Hal Gill Big Wood.

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The Morning Skate tries to catch his breath for Thursday, July 2

Whew. That was some kind of day yesterday wasn't it? With the Als winning their opener? We kid. Frenzy indeed. Bob spends like a drunken sailor to create the new #1 line of midgets pictured above. While we sat there mouth agape, deciding whether the signing of Hal Gill deserved its own post, Panger was working like a maniac trying to keep up. Well done Panger. Let's try to recap the Habs and ex-Habs from the previous 24 hours:

Welcome: Camalleri, Gomez, Gionta, Gill, Spacek.
Goodbye and thanks for your service: Bégin to B's
Fuck off and die: Komisarek to Leafs
In limbo but we're not optimistic: Kovy, Lang
In limbo but really probably no chance we'll see them: Koivu, Tangy, Scneider, Breezer (please, please)

The rest of the league was pretty busy too, most notably Rangers signing Gaborik's groin to a huge deal, Hossa going to Chicago and Havlat going to the Wild. But the day will always be remembered around these parts for Bob's giant fuck you to everyone who says he never does anything. Happy now?

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Welcome Little Gionta!

Add Brain Gionta to the top line with Gomez and Calamari.

5 years, $25M.

According to Eklund (I know, I know), the Habs have about $7M* left to sign Pleks, Dagger, CHips and Tenderness, for the following roster:

Gionta-Gomez-Calamari
Big Tits-Pleks-Little Tits/Dagger
Patches-Laps-Tenderness
Metro-CHips-Laraque/Stewart

Markov-Gill
Hamr-Jaro 2.0
Georges-O'Byrne/Weber

TFS
Jaro 1.0

Doesn't seem like there is a lot of dough for Kovy or Tanguay or Saks or Lang. Doesn't look like a Cup winning roster, either.

*Editor's note: ok it's still me. I looked again and remembered why I'm not an accountant. It's more like $12M, so plenty of room to sign Kovy at $4.5 and maybe Lang for cheap. So how about this forward lineup:

Gionta-Gomez-Kovy
Big Tits-Lang-Calamari
Patches-Pleks-Dagger/Tenderness
Stewart-Chips/Metro-Laraque

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Bob rebuilding the 2005-2006 Devils

Brian Gionta at 5 mill per for 5 years.

As the RDS headline says, Bob is on fire. This is exhausting.

UPDATE: I swear that link said "Bob est en feu" for at least 5 minutes.

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Buh-Bye DOOM. We Hate You Already

The Leafs? Really? Wouldn't want to be Komo those Saturday night's the Leafs are playing at the Bell Centre. You think the fans hated Grabs...

At least Brian Burke showed his true idiot colours by overpaying for a guy who couldn't score with a fist full of Euros in a Amsterdam brothel.

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Welcome Midget Mike!

OK so maybe I though he was fishy, but now I'm hoping for the best out of Mike "Calamari" Cammalleri ($30M over 5 years). I saw him play in Calgary and I can tell you that he didn't put up all those points just because he was playing with Iginla.

Buy-Buy Tanguay. Oh well, we never figured out a good nickname for Alex T. anyway.

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Welcome Giant Defenceman!

Hal Gill, 2 years, $2.25M per. Now TFS (tm) won't be taller than all of his defencemen.

So it's looking like this for next year:

Markov-Gill
Hamr-Jaro 2.0
Weber/Rhino-Georges

Buh-bye Breezer. Rejoice!

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Welcome Jaro 2.0!

Jaroslav Spacek, 3 years/$11.5 million. Can't wait for the first "Jaro Twins" post from HF4.

Buh-Bye Komo. We miss you already.

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Happy CanadaUFA Day

OK everyone take a deep breath and look at this practically naked babe. Breathe, breathe. It'll be fine. Scott Gomez is a good player, and he's excited to come here.

So Happy Canada Day eh? Fuck I love my country. Canadians don't say that enough. But damn it's good to live here.

And Happy UFA day. No doubt shit will go down today. No doubt we'll be here making stupid comments about it and making lame excuses to post hot chicks. Should be fun. C'mon Bob, we still have faith! JayBo may be gone, but Heater is available. How about a Gomez-Kovy-Heater line? Not bad, eh?

Mmm, these fine Molson products go so well with cereal.

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Bienvenido Señor Gomez!

Well it appears to be true. Chris Higgins has been traded to the Rangers in return for Scott Gomez.

Finally, the overpaid undersized center we've been dreaming of.

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FHF 2009 UFA Preview/Transformers 2 Review

Maybe she could convince Jay Bo to come to Montreal...

So much promise, but such a let down. Still, it could have been worse.

That's how I would describe Transformers 2 and how I anticipate I will describe the Habs UFA situation in a few days.

I admit, I'm a Transformers fanboy. I cried when Optimus died in the cartoon movie. What can I say, blame my parents for letting me watch back-to-back Transformers and GI Joe for 5 straight years of elementary school instead of forcing me to go outside.

Luckily I was a few years older when the Habs traded St. Patrick.

The first live-action TF movie was pretty good. I certainly didn't hate it - except that I thought it was a slap in the face to not only make Bumblebee a Camaro, but to see him punking an old Beetle. I was excited about this new one, and not just because of Ms. Sexy and her, um, assets, but because the studio apparently handed the producers a blank cheque to draw up a boatload of robots instead of the handful afforded in the first film.

Kind of like the potential offered by having the most salary cap room of any team in the NHL.

The TF producers had great characters to choose from between all the toys produced for the 80s cartoon and all the follow ups. Just like the Habs have a bunch of UFA's to choose from.

Most troublingly, though, TF2 did exactly what I didn't expect, and it didn't turn out the way I had hoped.

Anyhoo: guys, go see it for Megan Fox. Ladies, umm, enjoy the popcorn.

Defence

Jay Bo - sweeten the $5M that Komo wants. I love him, but the Habs should not pay more than $3.5-4M per for Komo. Ohlund if probably the second best option, but if so no more than 2 years cause I see a Hamr-like decline on Mattias' horizon. Johnny Oduya might be a good fit, but I recall reading Eklund say that it was "certain" that he would end up with the Habs, so that won't happen. Please not midget Beauchemin. Being tough doesn't change being a dwarf. If they need to sign another french guy, spend less on MA Bergeron (but Weber should have that job). Zubov should retire already. If Komo goes, McKee or Scuderi might be options for a defensive D-man. I have seen Adrien Aucoin play for Calgary. Do NOT sign Adrien Aucoin.

Wingers

Hossa - he's the best, but for the money he wants, keep Kovy and Tanguay. If not Hossa, then Havlat is #2. As for Gaborik, but you might as well sign Guy Lafleur for the amount of icetime he'll see if he signed in MTL. Gaborik wouldn't hit 20 games a season in a Habs uniform. Gionta is too small, Guerin too old, Bertuzzi too much of a sourpuss a-hole, and something about Callammeri just seems fishy to me. I say he's this summer's Jason Blake - a big payday after a fluke season. It sucks that it's inevitable that Eric Cole would suck as a Hab.

For depth wingers, if they sign anyone I would imagine it'll be Greek Lightening or Ian Laperriere. (Somewhere Pierre Houde's tongue just shivered.)

Centre

The only #1 centre out there is Henrik Sedin, and the Twins are going to eat up a stupid amount of someone's cap space for the next decade. It better not be MTL. Nick Antropov is the 2nd best option (Saku not included). No.

Trade please.

Goalies

If Halak goes in the aforementioned trade, I'd love to see Manny Legace back up TFS(tm) - or Roloson if he would take a crazy pay cut. Mathieu Garon will be out there, too.

So what are you predictions for UFA day?

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