The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, January 13th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of making the Hall of Fame (you're getting closer Hawk!)...

• Bob gave his mid-season state of the Habs presser yesterday, and as usual didn't reveal anything. The only nugget is that he's disappointed in Rhino (aren't we all), so we need defensive help. Then, blah blah blah, we don't comment on rumours, blah blah blah...;
• Future Hab Vinny scores in the Lightning's win over the Kings;
• Stars beat the Wings in OT;
• Luongo says he's ready to go. No such statement from TFS(tm).

Bruins tonight. FUCK YEAH. Let's get it on.

Keep Alive: The FHF Half-Assed Half-Season Sorta-Kinda On Time Review

Did you know the Habs hit the halfway point this weekend? Did ya? Huh?

Really? You knew? Well, bully for you Mr. Checking the Schedule Smartypants Fuckface. I guess you can stop reading right now.

Whatever. For the rest of you, in the grand tradition of the one other time I did this, here's The FHF Half-Assed Half-Season Sorta-Kinda On Time Review. In handy stream-of-consciousness form.

We're what? You're fucking joking. I'm pretty sure this team sucks!: Last year at this time? 2nd in the Northeast, 5th in the conference, 21 wins, 13 losses, 8 OTL. This year? 25-10-6, 2nd in Northeast, 4th in East. For all the whining and gnashing of teeth that gets done around this team, for all the worries about the Bruins morphing into the 1970 Bruins and destroying the planet with their awesomeness, the Habs are ahead of last year's pace and riding an 8-1-1 streak. Fuck, really?

All-Stars! All-Stars! All-Stars!: And so, after all the ballot-box stuffing, all the complaining, all the embarassment that is fan voting, your Eastern All-Stars feature Carey "TFS" Price as starting goalie, Markov and DOOM on defence and Kovy skating with two guys playing for the tenth place team in the conference. Of the four, Markov certainly deserves it, Price's numbers are good but not as good as some others (Tim Thomas immediately comes to mind), DOOM is an FHF and neutrals favourite for his hitting and general all-around badassery, and Kovy shouldn't be anywhere near the rink that weekend. If you look at DOOM as the fan's acknowledgement that maybe fancy-pants goals and stickchecking isn't all you want in a defender, then his election is a good thing. My only wish? That all Kovy and Tanguay's votes had gone to Koivu so he could be named captain, start, and get the ear-blistering ovation he so richly deserves from his hometown crowd. Now I get to hope DOOM breaks someone in half instead. I'll see the replay because I ain't wasting any time watching the game.

The New Guys: Gang Bang Lang is leading the team in goals, points, missed open nets, and ability to mesh with anyone. He's currently leading the charge of the Tits brothers and can also be found hanging out with Kovy in the "former Pens with groovy mullets on the downside of their careers who still weave magic sometimes" section of the dressing room. As a Plan B from "Fuck You" Mats Sundin, he's been terrific.

BGL keeps getting hurt, and he's slow as death when he plays. If he tears Chara's or Lucic's head off before the season is done, it's a successful signing.

Tanguay is also hurt after a promising start. He showed more goal-scoring skill than I anticipated, and the promise of Koivu/Tanguay/Higgins was enticing. Jury still out.

The New Kids: Dagger! Max Pack! Chips! Maxwell! (Okay, not really Maxwell). Weber! As the injuries piled up, Dagger provided a jolt of goal-scoring electricity and helped the team over a rough patch. Max Pacioretty continues to give us all glimpes of awesomeness, and makes the Rivet for Gorges and a 1st (Pacioretty) trade take on mythic proportions of one-sidedness. Chips finally got the call back up, and has looked fine ... which is what you want from your checking line centre-types. Maxwell needs some work. Weber looks to be struggling a bit with the speed and I shudder to think what might happen against a top-flight team. Still, Dagger! Max Pack! Whoooo!!!!

The Subbanator deserves his own damn paragraph!: PK F'in Subban is great. I hope Bob doesn't trade him. He's not even on the team and he might be my favourite Canadien.

The stat that made me go WTF? more than any other: It's not that our leading scorers (Lang and Kovy) are on pace for 64 points. It's not that Mad Max has more goals than Gui! Gui! Gui! and Little Tits, and only one less than ZombiePleks. It's not even that Max Pack has a shooting percentage of 33%. It's this: Josh Gorges, plus 16.

Habs would be dead in the water without: Mad Max and his fucking crazy channelling of Guy Lafleur the past few weeks. Josh Gorges and his mystifying chicken-head-cut-off style of defending resulting in a plus 16 and all sorts of important ice-time (he's averaging over 20 minutes a game!). Dagger and his timely goals. Lang and his timely everything. Breezer, routinely making the safe play and chipping in with a dozen points and a plus 6. Whoa. That and an inexplicable ability to pull games out of the fire. Hold on, kids.

Things to look forward to or worry about: What happens when all the walking wounded return? Where do Higgins and Koivu and Tanguay and Laraque and El Dandy fit in? Can Gorges keep it up? Is Price hurt worse than anyone is letting on? If he is, can Jaro keep winning? Is Bob going to mess the chemistry up with a monster deal for Jay Boumeester or Vinny Lecavalier or Ilya Kovalchuk? Can I get an indication of what sweater number PK F'in Subban is getting, so I can order it now? Will the fucking Bruins please fall back to earth, and will someone shoot Milan Lucic down off a building King Kong style before the playoffs? Can the Habs keep winning, hold down a top-four spot, and avoid a trip to Jeff Carter and Mike Richard's house of goons for at least two rounds? If Bob trades for Tomas Kaberle, do I have to refrain from calling him soft as Craig Janney? Can you believe El Dandy finished that shift with a fucking broken arm??? What the hell is with all the road games in the next few months? Will someone please explain how this is the 100th anniversary, so the Leaf fans can find something else stupid to complain about?

Fuck it, let's perpetuate rumours!

Look, we're not Eklund. We hate this shit. But given we found this great picture of Vinny and a hot chick (his wife?) to post, we figured wtf. You guys are already talking about it in the comments anyway (lap dance or Jack Bauer-style torture to Shutdown for being the first, your call).

So everyone and his mother seems to think there is all sorts of truth to these Lecavalier to Montreal rumours. Even crappy TSN anchors. He's got Pleks + Higgy + Subban + half of Hamilton + draft picks going to Tampa (e3).

Alright, have at it in the comments, who would you give up for Vinny? Or should Bob just chill until everyone is healthy? Or focus on Bouwmeester? You too can be a GM. All it takes is someone else's money and some minor math skills.

The Morning Skate for Monday, January 12th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of heading to your Conference Championship game (the Cardinals? hosting? really???)...

• Oilers take the Blues;
• Ducks take the Devils;
• Hawks take the Preds.

I'd expand or be funnier, but, you know, it's the Western Conference.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your All-Star assistant coach...

Thanks to last night's win over the Caps, Habs have the second highest winning percentage in the East (or something, I'm really not sure how it works). This grants Carbo the honour of standing behind the East bench. I will admit, the potential sight of Julien and Carbo next to each other behind the bench has me amused. Since there isn't much coaching to do, Carbo can spend his time dreaming about his Breezer love.

Ah yes, Breezer, he of the FUCKING UGLY GIVEAWAY. Gotta give him credit, that was one of his best last night. I like how he always tries to top himself. This time he added a little spice by giving the puck to one of the best Capitals. The TSN story says Semin "stole the puck", but we all know better, right?

At least we can kid, thanks to heroic Tits.That was some kind of third period. Too bad I missed it.

It's a mid-season test - Caps Game Preview and Open Thread

So tonight the Habs play their 41st game of the season. And the Habs are ostensibly hot, going 8-1-1 in their last 10. But seriously, who have we beat? The Laffs? Florida? Meh. Tonight we get a real test - the Capitals, winners of 12 of their last 14 and second in the Conference to the Broons. The only reason they aren't 13 of 14 is a hot Steve Mason last night. And they've already beaten us twice this year. So in honour of this test, Miss Behavin' up there has a little quiz of her own for your preview tonight. Skip the quiz? That's a paddlin'. Get an answer wrong? That's a paddlin'. Premature ejaculation during a paddlin'? You better believe that's a paddlin'.

1. The game tonight is:
A) At 7 PM
B) On CBC (Quebec only)
C) At the Phone Booth
D) All of the above

2.Japer's Rink is a fabulous Capitals blog with a reach far beyond D.C.:
A) True B) False

3. Which of the following are hot Habs to watch?
A) Big Tits
B) Lang
C) Breezer
D) That Breezer answer must be a typo

4. Rank the following players in terms of their expected return to the Habs lineup from soonest to latest: TFS, El Dandy, Koivu, BGL, Tangy, Higgy

5. Alexander Ovechkin gets the puck at his own blue line with 4 opponents in front of him and the rest of the Caps on a line change. How long does it take him to score? (show your work)

6. José Theodore is:
A) Hot
B) Really hot
C) Really, really hot
D) Kill me

7. Touching a dancer at Wanda's after the game will get you:
A) Kicked out by the bouncer
B) Kicked in the balls by the dancer
C) Arrested
D) A date (NHL players only)

Let's get your answers or hear all your hot teacher stories in the comments

It's Love-In Friday!!!

Well, HF29 loves Trish Stratus and HF33 loves midget wrestling and Toronto getting a beatdown. Me? I love being back in my own bed after two nights with my kid in the pediatrics ward at Toronto East so much, I thought I'd end the week with the official things HF10 is loving today. Maybe HF4 will have some love to give later; possibly not. He's a cranky fuck.

Things to love:

Leaf fans. Fat, drunk and delusional is not the way to go through life, sons. If you have time, check out PPP's rage, and Chemmy's angry response to 33's review. (Chemmy, check the archives before you slag 33's name! And check the comments for where your partner in crime praises Tosksalad. And stop talking about the mortal wounds you keep getting on your penis!)

Grabs. Leaf fans aren't sure why the Habs hate him so; maybe skipping out on your teammates and whining to the press is kosher in TO. I don't know. Again, the archives are your friend. I still think he's less Rocket Richard and more mentally unhinged Sergei Berezin.

Being ahead of last year's points pace is nice. Especially if the Pens keep sinking.

The Bruins pace is disconcerting, but wouldn't you rather beat a good Bruins team in the semis than a lousy Bruins team in the first round? Actually, I'd rather the Bruins finished ninth, but it's the post of love, baby! All positive!

I love the Alex Semin fight. No link. You've seen it.

Love that Frankie B tried to fight Brad May. He had no business trying (as we all saw) but he tried. Love that Bill Watters and Nick Kypreos had to fall all over themselves trying to praise May for fighting a guy half his size without slipping up and mentioning "The Code", which I'm pretty sure says you aren't a tough guy if you fight "a squirt", to use Watter's word.

Love that Jaro played better.

Love that Mad Max thinks he's Guy. Don't wake him up!

Love that the kids are contributing. Love that Chips is finally back!!!

Hate that a Leafs/Canadiens tilt was on a fucking Thursday, not in the proper Saturday prime slot it always deserves ... but I love Canadiens Thursday hockey games.

Love the prospect of HF29's favourite college coach coming to revive the Fighting Irish, since he's named after a Pope and it is his "dream job".

Love that it's Friday afternoon and we're almost done for another week. Love it up this weekend, folks!

(Live) Game Review: It`s awsome to see the Habs crush the Leafs in person Edition

Mikael Grabovsky and Sergei Kostitsyn continue their battle in the alley behind the Bell Centre after the game.

Ah, life is good. Out of the hospital, airways clear, and on top of it, due to the generosity of loyal FHF blogger LG77, got to watch the Habs beat up on a crappy Leafs team live. First post in a while, so I`m a bit out of the loop - got nothing clever, so let`s hit the bullet points, random stream of consciousness style:

• Special thanks goes out to Toksalad's (FHF nickname award (non-Habs division) winner, 2008-2009 season; take a bow, Moeman), who ensured a Habs victory and the fulfillment of all my pre-game wishes after giving up several weak ones, especially the second to Mad Max.
• On the other hand, nothing but praise for Jaro (especially after he got bashed after the Devils/Panthers games): solid-to-spectacular play, to the point that was surprising to see the Leafs ahead in shots all game. As HF4 might say: Cari seet in sick room and have sexy massage of brokeen groin, so Jaro seev meeny shots from Leaf and help Mentreal ween.
• Kovy is great when he's interested. (I just wish that was more often.) And he could have been a porn star: he can get it straight up in tight in the blink of an eye.
• Yet another rookie made his Habs debut. Wearing no. 68 (what with the 60`s digits? what`s wrong with 24 or 15?? Or something in the 30s? This is bugging me way more than it should.) Weber didn`t do anything spectacular on the PP, but got off one rocket of a slapshot in the third, and held his own during regular shifts in the third alongside Hamr. It was nice of the Leafs to suck so badly that Carbo could play him like that without worry.
• What`s with Georges up front? Dude clearly plays defence for a reason.
• D`Agostini can probably make travel plans back to Hamilton when Saks returns (fingers crossed) on Saturday. Hit the net on a breakaway, rookie.
• I can`t believe the refs kept Grabs and Little Tits apart - but loved that it seemed like the linesmen was going to toss Grabovsky like a dwarf for a second. Apparently Grabs said he`d fight him in the street - which I`d pay to see.
• Also can't believe the league is going to look the other way after that dust up - seems like Grabs is getting the Curtis Joseph treatment. (Ed. note: RDS reports that Grabby got 3 games.)
• Most unbelievably, I think it`s time to let Breezer out of the trunk after moving into 5th all-time in Habs scoring among defensemen after his 3-assist game. He's played within his capabilities alongside Cube, and (shudder) has probably been our second best offensive defencemen. That being said, if Gainey doesn`t substantially upgrade the quality of puck-moving defencemen before the deadline they`re going nowhere in the playoffs.
• Is Brian Burke going to do something besides goon the Leafs up with the likes of Brad May? I guess he's returning to the good ol' Conn Smythe days of "beat'em in the alley" - cause they clearly aren't going to be beating many teams on the ice.
• Both Greek Lightening and Franky may have lost the technical decision in their fights, but Cube hanging in there with a guy 6 inches taller energized the team - and the crowd. And proved that "intimidation" tactics are not going to win hockey games when you have no talent.
• Speaking of fighting, where is Georges Laraque? How does one get hurt by not playing? Maybe someone should tell BGL that the massage places he's been frequenting, while temporarily improving the feeling in his groin area, really aren't a recommended long term medical solution.
• OK, so now we have a good PP again? And Mad Max`s line plays half the time? OK.
• Speaking of whom, I'm away for 3 weeks and Max turns into Rocket Richard? WTF? I guess that makes Tenderness Toe Blake.
• It is an experience to watch the Habs beat the Leafs live. Taunting Toksalad the whole way through. Sixty-seven, clap-clap-clapclapclap in the first. Olé in the second. Hey-hey goodbye half way through the third. (Usually I`d say too early, but the game was never close. Plus it`s the Leafs.)
• Especially sweet victory with 6 regulars out. Of course I`m sure Leafs Nation has some sort of excuse for the fact that the Bulldogs probably could have beaten them last night.
• Speaking of Leafs Nation: One member got tossed 5 minutes into the game after throwing a plastic bottle down 15 rows, nailing a guy in the back of the head (he was fine). I don't know what Leafs Fan was thinking because no one was even taunting the Leafs or their fans at that point. Then again, if he was rational he probably wouldn't be a Leafs fan.
• Not-something-you-see-everyday department: two Hasidic jews with Habs baseball caps in the front row of the whites. I guess god really is a Habs fan.

Great game. Leafs Suck indeed. I`m off to watch some midget wrestling to get in the mood for the rematch.

The Morning Skate for Friday, January 9th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a National Championship. Go Gators!! FUCK YEAH!!!!...

• Wheeeeeee, that was fun. Habs take care of the Leafs 6-2. Scrappy affair. Suspensions to come? Panger was there, he'll dissect it all later today;
• Ottawa loses 6-4 to the B's, its 7th loss on an 8-game road trip. Oy;
• Speaking of former Eastern Conference powers, Pens' freefall continues, their 6th loss in their last 7, 5-3 to the Preds;
  
• Thrashers shutout the Devils. Okaaayyy;
• Wings crush the Stars in your token Western Conference bullet;
• Back to the East, your All-Stars include Mark Streit and no more Habs. Well, except maybe Bouwmeester. Or Kaberle.
  

Happy Friday everyone. We're in a good mood.

Right, there's a Leafs game!

I really didn't want to put this up, but I really, really have a thing for Trish Stratus. Thank god for MS Paint.

Last minute quickie preview and open thread. Game at 7:30 at the Bell Centre, and it's on Sportnset Ontario. Leafs suck, Habs suck less. If you want to read something, scroll down to HF4's brilliance about the Rangers game.

Let's get it on! With hot ex-wrestlers!