Bienvenido Señor Gomez!

Well it appears to be true. Chris Higgins has been traded to the Rangers in return for Scott Gomez.

Finally, the overpaid undersized center we've been dreaming of.

FHF 2009 UFA Preview/Transformers 2 Review

Maybe she could convince Jay Bo to come to Montreal...

So much promise, but such a let down. Still, it could have been worse.

That's how I would describe Transformers 2 and how I anticipate I will describe the Habs UFA situation in a few days.

I admit, I'm a Transformers fanboy. I cried when Optimus died in the cartoon movie. What can I say, blame my parents for letting me watch back-to-back Transformers and GI Joe for 5 straight years of elementary school instead of forcing me to go outside.

Luckily I was a few years older when the Habs traded St. Patrick.

The first live-action TF movie was pretty good. I certainly didn't hate it - except that I thought it was a slap in the face to not only make Bumblebee a Camaro, but to see him punking an old Beetle. I was excited about this new one, and not just because of Ms. Sexy and her, um, assets, but because the studio apparently handed the producers a blank cheque to draw up a boatload of robots instead of the handful afforded in the first film.

Kind of like the potential offered by having the most salary cap room of any team in the NHL.

The TF producers had great characters to choose from between all the toys produced for the 80s cartoon and all the follow ups. Just like the Habs have a bunch of UFA's to choose from.

Most troublingly, though, TF2 did exactly what I didn't expect, and it didn't turn out the way I had hoped.

Anyhoo: guys, go see it for Megan Fox. Ladies, umm, enjoy the popcorn.

Defence

Jay Bo - sweeten the $5M that Komo wants. I love him, but the Habs should not pay more than $3.5-4M per for Komo. Ohlund if probably the second best option, but if so no more than 2 years cause I see a Hamr-like decline on Mattias' horizon. Johnny Oduya might be a good fit, but I recall reading Eklund say that it was "certain" that he would end up with the Habs, so that won't happen. Please not midget Beauchemin. Being tough doesn't change being a dwarf. If they need to sign another french guy, spend less on MA Bergeron (but Weber should have that job). Zubov should retire already. If Komo goes, McKee or Scuderi might be options for a defensive D-man. I have seen Adrien Aucoin play for Calgary. Do NOT sign Adrien Aucoin.

Wingers

Hossa - he's the best, but for the money he wants, keep Kovy and Tanguay. If not Hossa, then Havlat is #2. As for Gaborik, but you might as well sign Guy Lafleur for the amount of icetime he'll see if he signed in MTL. Gaborik wouldn't hit 20 games a season in a Habs uniform. Gionta is too small, Guerin too old, Bertuzzi too much of a sourpuss a-hole, and something about Callammeri just seems fishy to me. I say he's this summer's Jason Blake - a big payday after a fluke season. It sucks that it's inevitable that Eric Cole would suck as a Hab.

For depth wingers, if they sign anyone I would imagine it'll be Greek Lightening or Ian Laperriere. (Somewhere Pierre Houde's tongue just shivered.)

Centre

The only #1 centre out there is Henrik Sedin, and the Twins are going to eat up a stupid amount of someone's cap space for the next decade. It better not be MTL. Nick Antropov is the 2nd best option (Saku not included). No.

Trade please.

Goalies

If Halak goes in the aforementioned trade, I'd love to see Manny Legace back up TFS(tm) - or Roloson if he would take a crazy pay cut. Mathieu Garon will be out there, too.

So what are you predictions for UFA day?

The Morning Skate has some questions for Bob for Tuesday, June 30th

So Bob here's our principle question for you this morning - WTF? We're just not sure we understand what you're up to. Yesterday you confirmed you made an offer to Kovalev, but then said "it's not possible" to offer Tangy or Koivu contracts before July 1st. Tell us how this makes sense Bob. We are on the verge of losing the Captain, he would probably sign for cheap, yet it's "not possible" to offer him a contract. Some dinky 2 or 3 mill contract is not gonna make a lick of difference in signing Vinny or the two-headed Sedin monster. So what's "not possible" Bob? Is your phone not working? Can't you just borrow one?

Anyway, we'll give you some props for the new Hamilton coach and for making sure you did the paperwork to get qualifying offers to all the restricted FA's (we guess the fax is working). In other positive news, good to see HF4's numbersake get an honourary captaincy to the 2010 Olympic team. And in really positive news, we swear Panger will have that UFA preview for you today. Those fingers crossed behind my back are due to an unrelated arthritic condition.

But that's all the positivity we can muster this morning. We're starting to worry we'll have no players come October. At least maybe now our boy CHips can get some playing time. You know, assuming some other team doesn't snatch him up.

The Morning Skate for Monday, June 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of blowing a two-goal lead...

• RDS reports that Bob wanted to announce a Vinny trade at the draft, but was rebuffed by the Lightning owner. Hmmmm;
• Jay Bouwmeester has been traded to Calgary. Hope he enjoys the two days there.

Two days left 'til Free Agent Frenzy Day (©TSN). Panger tells us he's got a UFA preview for you. If it's as good as his Draft preview, watch out.

HF29's in-depth review of attending the draft live

There's three hours of my life I'm not getting back.

And I never even met the PPP gang. What a total waste of an evening.

Oh yeah, Louis Leblanc, bla bla bla hometown boy, bla bla bla.

The Draft Day Skate for a Hockey Mom Sexy Friday, June 26th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of having your death overshadowed by another death...

• Bob meets the media, tells them he'll get a good player, hopefully a big centre, at the 18th spot (yeah right) and that Mike Komisarek is the only Habs UFA he has given a firm offer to;
• Say goodbye to Franky B and see who Bob wants to sign;
  
• Everyone wants Mike Tomas Kaberle;
• There won't be a second outdoor game this year after all, though the article hints a Big O game is a possibility;
• You can head over to Cycle like the Sedins for yours truly's pathetic excuse for draft thoughts.

Well, this is it. The drunken rampage Hockey MILF-hunting goes tonight. We look forward to meeting the PPP gang and puking on them. We are still holding out hope for a Panger actual hockey draft preview, so check back for that on this glorious Sexy Friday.

The Morning Skate for Thursday June 25th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of trading for the Big Aristotle...

• Vinny, Montreal, blah blah blah.
• Pierrre Boivin says the fans shouldn't worry during the ownership transition. Too late.
  

Let's talk draft. First off, welcome out of town bloggers! We have rumours of hordes of them descending on our fair city for the strip clubs. I think Wrap is drunk already. A reminder that yours truly and HF4 will be attending the draft (allegedly - we still haven't seen the tickets, and HF4 may be dead as usual) to get drunk, and uh, get drunk. Finally, Panger has promised some sort of draft preview before the shindig so be sure to check it out.

Bonne fête nationale, 'stie

Fuck politics, fuck language, fuck Québecor one last time. In this province, the only thing that matters is the Habs. Well, unless you're an old Nordiques fan.

Enjoy the holiday, my fellow Québecois. Maybe this is the day Vinny will come.

Kirk Muller loses cellphone, continues as Habs assistant coach

(Québecor Wire Services) - Habs Assistant Coach Kirk Muller reported losing his cellphone late last week. Reached in person at his off-season home in Kingston, Muller was visibly distraught at the loss of his iPhone. He said "it was brand new, and I hadn't backed up my contacts yet. All that time wasted."

Muller was nervous and shaking as he described his lack of communication. "No one can get in touch with me. Who has a landline anymore? Do you think I missed any important calls?"

When informed about the firings of Hamilton head coach Don Lever and Habs assistant Doug Jarvis, Muller said "that's hockey. I'll miss them, but life goes on. Now where the fuck did I put that phone?"

Better Know a Molson Brother: Geoffrey

Geoffrey (right) with wife Kate and Habs Prez Pierre Boivin.

Welcome our new swill-producing overlords! In an effort to get to know the Habs new owners (pending league approval), FHF is pleased to present our three-part series Better Know a Molson Brother. Today: Geoffrey.

Name: Geoffrey E. Molson, aka "Geoff" aka "the good-looking brother." You'll know why when you see photos of the other two.

Current Molson position: Vice-President Marketing of Molson Canada and member of the Board of Directors of Molson Coors. Also serves as Molson Coors' rep on the Habs' Board.

Favourite Molson product: Heineken. This guy is class. Think he's drinking any actual Molson crap?

Family line: Great great great great grandson of Molson Breweries founder John Molson.

Bio: At age 38, Geoff has done more than you. He played hockey at St Lawrence University and went on to get his MBA from the Babson School of Business. He then worked at Coca-Cola and CSC Consulting before being forced at gunpoint to join the family business in 1999. He has climbed the ranks, working as a director and in several Vice-President positions. There was no nepotism involved. He is active with numerous charities including St Mary's Hospital. He has four kids.

Fun facts: His wife is from Boston, thus destroying the old hockey axiom not to date within the division. Loves puppies and the History Channel. Once got drunk at a charity function (on 30-year old scotch) and jumped on the bar screaming "Sig heil, Herr Coors!" Would appreciate the humour in this paragraph because he can bring the funny himself:

The Morning Skate for Monday, June 22nd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of getting a new liver...

• The post-sale analysis and recriminations have begun! Pat Hickey calls Québecor the biggest loser in the deal. Well, duh. Guy Lafleur thinks the Molsons will make the team more francophone. Huh? Shut up, Guy;
  
• Somehow Le Fonds de solidarité de la FTQ are partners with the Molsons, or at least has some sort of investment. There goes our feeling of superiority over the Pension Planners;
• In other news, looks like Brent sutter will be the new Flames coach.

In an effort to play nice with the new owners, we at FHF would like to take a moment to profess our love for the wide range of fine Molson products. Except for Coors Light, that shit is gross. Oh and Ex ain't so great either. And who drinks Molson Dry anymore? And is Laurentide still a beer or did it go out of production in the 80's? We guess what we're saying is, please keep widening the distribution of Creemore.

The FHF Salutes All the Dads

A father's love ... sometimes misguided, always genuine.

Michael Farber calls the Canadiens the most self-reverential franchise in pro sports. Part of the franchise's allure is it's own sense of history; the Habs can and do feel like family. Sometimes, that family atmosphere actually manifests itself on ice or in the head office. The Cleghorn brothers preceded the Richards and the Mahovlich's all the way to Big and Little Tits. But there's also a rich history of fathers and sons: Emile and Pierre Bouchard. Dick Irvin Senior and Junior. Boom-Boom and Danny Geoffrion. Boom-Boom and his father-in-law Howie Morenz.

With the news that the sons of Molson are in the pole position to return Molson Canadiens Hockey to the world, the FHF salute to Father's Day takes on an extra special tone. The Molson family has a long and storied link to this franchise, and the family can lay claim to some part of 11 of 24 Cups in team history. The Molsons purchased the Habs in 1957; my father was 20 years old and already loved the team thanks to his Dad. The Molsons became a part of his obsession and were still there when he sat Baby HF10 down to see what this Montreal Canadiens thing was all about. I suspect Dr. HF29, HF4 Senior and PangerPere have a similar history and life-long connection with this special franchise that they passed on in much the same way. Fathers (and Moms ... but this is a Dad's day thing) fall in love with a team, fall in love with their sons, and those two come together to create the lunatic passion that results in sites like this.

Canadiens icons can make exceptional, brave dads who carry a grieving family on their back like Bob Gainey; they can be misguided albeit loving dads like Guy Lafleur; they can be flawed role models like Patrick Roy. Our dads aren't perfect, but they do their best. One of their best moves was passing on a love for this great team, it's city, and it's family of fans. It's a love I plan on passing on to MiniHF10 and MiniHF10 Deux too. Dads pass love on. On Father's Day, make sure you pass some back.

Happy Father's Day, Dads. Whether you agree with the content or not, the passion that this site engenders in its writers, readers and commenters is down to you. Thanks.

SOLD! Habs kept out of evil Québecor hands

Well that caught me napping. Literally. Damn you Molsons for interrupting my favourite Saturday activity, the nap while watching golf. But it seems to be true - everyone is reporting that the Molson Brothers have bought the Habs and related properties for more than a half a billion dollars. Ch-ching, George!

Pending league approval we guess. We'll sort it all out when I wake from my nap.

The Morning Skate hands out the hardware for Friday, June 19th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of having 400 pounds of marijuana... or having nightmares of getting caught with it...

• The NHL hands oout its awards in Vegas, baby! Ovie is your MVP, both Hart and Pearson versions. We've got Broons up the wazoo, with the big gorilla, Timmy boy and Julien taking home the Norris, Vezina, and Adams. Datsyuk takes the Lady Bing and Selke double for the second year in a row. No current Habs won anything. They gave HF4's numbersake a lifetime achievement award, like it was the Oscars or something;
• The NHL seems to be considering having a doubleheader Winter Classic in Boston and Clagary;
• Be sure to scroll down to see HF10's post about The Flower's uh, "sentence".

Sexy Friday wants to know how come you haven't called her back after that torrid night last week.

Guy Gets His Early Father's Day Gift

No one this pretty could survive jail!

In glorious, yeah-I'm-a-homer-because-Guy-is-the-shit news today, a very wise, awesome judge has decided to allow that paragon of fatherhood St. Guy of Thurso off with a suspended sentence and a $100 fine for doing what any mega-talented, greatest hockey player ever coolest man on earth dad would do for his horrible delinquent scumbag borderline child predator son. Guy lies to the judge, admits he helped his son break curfew to hook up with a child and gets a $100 fine? Was Colin Campbell the judge? If Knuckles Nilan had done this, he'd be looking at life with no parole. The stars do get all the calls in this fucking league.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, June 18th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of finally having a decent backup QB...

• René Angelil believes that that the Habs need to be "reborn" and to "show some fucking pride in the CH". We're paraphrasing that last one;
• Brian Burke is all pissy about how Heater asked for his trade;
• Guy Lafleur will be sentenced today. At least he should be able to get some smokes in prison.

83 days til training camp opens. We just made that number up. Doesn't seem so bad!

My role, my role, what's my role again.

So I've been thinking about something. The Heatley trade in the makings.

From what I understand, Heatley and coach Clouston got together at season's end (does that mean January SLC?) a few weeks ago to discuss the sniper's role on the team. Apparently they disagreed on what that would be but, in good faith, they agreed to meet again after the World Championships.

When they did, they were no closer to coming to terms.

Um, I'm a bit confused about this one. HIS ROLE ON THE TEAM? Heatley scores 40-50 yearly now.

His stats:

2005–06 Ottawa Senators 82 50 53 103
2006–07 Ottawa Senators 82 50 55 105
2007–08 Ottawa Senators 71 41 41 82
2008–09 Ottawa Senators 82 39 33 72

So here's what I'm thinking. Here's what this meeting shoulda sounded like.

Clouston: Hey Dany, gotta sec?

Dany: Sure thing.

Clouston: Look Dany, I just wanted to discuss your role with the team next year.

Dany: Uhuh.

Clouston: Just score like between 40 to 50 goals.

Dany: Cool.

Clouston: K have a nice summer.

Dany: K bye.

Have fun replacing one of the best scorers in the league, Clouston (to be read in Seinfeld hello Newman voice)

The Morning Skate goes on semi-hiatus for Wednesday, June 17th

Heya! We're looking at an honest to goodness summer day here in La Belle Province, and that means it's time for reflection. You may have noticed the lack of TMS yesterday, with a an actual post in its place. Well, that was just a flavour of things to come. Over the next month or two, some days TMS may not even get out of bed. W00t!

In all seriousness (ha!), really, looking around the internets this morning it's all too clear that this is one of those off-season mornings where there is just no need for TMS. Nothing relevant happened yesterday. I mean, the RDS Sports 30 lead story wasn't even hockey this morning! So we decided that TMS should no longer be a five days a week endeavour for the near future. Not to worry, there will still be plenty of posting, it just may not be first thing in the morning. TMS is recharging the batteries in preparation for the Habs' glorious run to the Stanley Cup in 2009-2010. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Now go out and get some sun. You look pale.

Judge to Jimmy Balls: Suck It

Some other minor news this morning (a Paul Maurice contract extension, the Wild's new coach, Derian Hatcher retiring, some parade), but undoubtedly the only story worth even mentioning is the judge's decision in a Phoenix bankruptcy Court. Stick with us here, because it's messy.

So Judge Redfield T. Baum rejected the sale and move of the Coyotes. BUT, and this is a big BUT, he didn't really. He only said that there wasn't enough time before Jimmy Balls' self-imposed deadline of June 29 to sort out all the details. Damn playoffs got in the way. The other BUT is that he ruled that the NHL did not violate anti-trust laws by giving the Tronna Leafs veto power. If you're a masochist (or a lawyer), you can read the whole decision.

Jimmy Balls' spokesman was quoted as saying that this is just another step in the process. Bill Daly was quoted as saying the NHL was looking forward to finding a local buyer to keep the team in Phoenix. Yeah, plus ça change...

We'll continue to monitor this situation, if anyone cares. Please tell us you don't.

The Morning Skate for Monday, June 15th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning of a world title, or having nightmares of Kobe winning another one...

• Handshake-gate;
• La Presse reports that despite earlier reports, Saputo is not, repeat not, involved in the Bronfman bid to buy the Habs. TMS isn't sure he can make it through the summer at this rate;
• Lidstrom had testicle surgery during the playoffs. Insert "it took balls to come back from that" joke here.
  

Islanders on the clock. 12 days to make their selection.

Congrats Pittsburgh, we guess

Congrats to the Fucking Pens and Conn Smythe winner Gino Malkin. We didn't really care, but we guess it's better than Detroit. And we liked seeing Hossa suffer. Malkin, Sid, Staal and Fleury are all under 25 and signed forever. That's a scary thought.

May I take a moment to say "suck it Jim Hughson"? Normally I love the guy, a real pro. But his call at the end of the game - "Sidney Crosby and the Penguins have won the Stanley Cup" - made me fucking wretch. Sid hadn't even played for the second half of the game! He scored one fucking goal in the last 2 series!!! I don't know if he was ordered to do that by the CBC, but jebus. Here, take a look:



Okay, seems like a good time to remind you all that FHF will in fact be posting before September. HF4 and I are off to see the draft live, we've got UFA's and the ongoing ownership saga to keep track of. The season may be over, but the semi-nudity and bad taste has just begun. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to see the sun for the first time in 8 months. Auuuughhh, my eyes.

Sexy Friday wants to do things to the Stanley Cup

Sexy Friday congratulates the winner of the Stanley Cup tonight, whoever that may be. May you surround the Cup with hot babes.

Sexy Friday would also like apologize if some of these pics have been on FHF before, but there are only so many pics of hot chicks with the Stanley Cup out there.







Lap dance to The World of Isaac
Sexy Friday as always copyright KSK

The Morning Skate is ambivalent about Game 7 for Friday, June 12th

Top 'o the morning, bitches! You know how excited we were a couple of days ago when we realized there will be a Game 7? Yeah, well now not so much. Our excitement is tempered by the realization that THE FUCKING SEASON ENDS TONIGHT. No more hockey. Just baseball. Ugh.

So the Journal de Québec is reporting that the highest bid for the Habs is the Saputo-Bronfman bid. Wait, what? Saputo? When the fuck did that happen? That's all according to their "sources", as Saputo denies even bidding. This is turning into the stupidest, secretest, most ridiculous, going-to-kill-the-UFA-season-for-us process we could have imagined.

In other news, contrary to other reports Tanguay's agent has in fact been in contact with Bob. No doubt to get the answer "sorry we can't sign anyone until we have an owner." Fuck me. Marc Crawford is the new Dallas coach. For shits and giggles, please enjoy SLC's handy user guide to Ray Emery. Funniest thing on the interwebs this week.

Happy Sexy Friday to one and all.

Who is Rejecting the Habs Today?

Lots of people may want to buy them, but apparently no one wants to work for them.

First Mats, then Pavel, most recently Alexei, now Francois. Which one of those names doesn't belong? Well, apparently it belongs in Toronto because Brian Burke just hired Francois Allaire to be Toronto's new goaltending coach. Guess Habs fans better get used to hearing that Allaire is going to turn Justin Pogge into a better tender than TFS(tm)...which we'll be hearing at least until Pogge gets into his first exhibition game.

I was only half joking when I said a couple of days ago that yEmelin's (I've seen it spelled both ways so this about covers it) rejection of the Habs cast a pale over Bob's anicipated UFA efforts come July 1st. Well I'm not joking anymore. This team is fucked if even hometown guys don't want to come back home.

p.s. Dave Stubbs: please don't steal our headlines again. It took us all of 15 seconds to come up with.

HF29 UPDATE - If anyone cares, I'll be on CBC Radio today at 3:35 PM. Here's a link to listen live. I'm sure, you know, that no one cares, you know, so carry on.

The Morning Skate is officially finally for sale for Thursday, June 11th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of finally getting dumped as Miss California...

• So we know that two offial bids for the Habs were deposited yesterday, making the team that was never officially for sale really for sale for real now. The two groups we know are the Quebecor Group and Molson brothers Larry, Moe, and Curly. Quebecor's Group includes les Fonds de solidarité FTQ, and René Angelil's management company. Their bid was conditional on Céline singing My Heart Will Go On before every home game;
• Oh look, La Presse reports it's three groups. And the Journal de Montréal reports it's four groups. They add the Graeme Roustan group and the Bronfman group;
• It looks like the asking price for the team, the Bell Centre, and the Gillett Entertainment Group was in the $400 to 500 million range. Gillett wanted to throw in Benoit Brunet, but everyone refused.

We'll continue to make Céline Dion jokes and post chicks covered in money as circumstances warrant.

The Morning Skate makes the key saves for Wednesday, June 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of setting a Finals record for team shooting...

• Let's face it, M-A Fleury is a great goalie. In Mellon Arena only. The huge stop in the video above was just, uh, huge. He also had several other huge ones, esepcially in the third, leading the Pens to a 2-1 win to set up Game 7 on Friday. Osgood was really pretty good too. Credit also to the Pens team defense (no, seriously!). Did I mention we have a Game 7? I am FUCKING GIDDY;
• So Heater wants out of Ottawa. As you can imagine, SLC has his usual bitingly witty take. Also as you can imagine, Dany Heatley Speedwagon of Scarlett Ice is not taking this well;
• Excitement in the Phoenix courtroom yesterday! Well, not really. It's fucking bankruptcy court. But the NHL may be able to fleece (extort?) Jimmy Balls out of another 100 mill and just price hime right out. I hope they do, then Jimmy Balls can sue them;
• Dave Stubbs is now stealing headlines from Panger. Well, except for the cockteaser part. Is there a lawyer in the house?

Did I mention we have a Game 7?

I was wearing an onion on my belt 16 years ago

So 16 years ago today the Habs beat the Kings to win their 24th Stanley Cup, which will most likely be their last at this rate. To make you feel better on this dreary gray day about the further delay of Alexei Yemelin, please enjoy this compilation video of the 10 OT winners from the 1993 Playoffs. Highlights include:

• Ron Hextall going apeshit;
• The little prick Gilbert Dionne thumping his chest in a "me, me, me" move;
• Jacques Demers holding what we now know to be a prop playbook;
• Rob Ramage. I swear I don't even remember him being on the team. But then again, back in 1993 I did a lot of drugs. Not like now.

Happy Anniversary.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, June 9th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of having acid dumped on you (and not the good kind of acid)...

• In case you missed the news late yesterday, scroll down to Panger's post to see which Russian has fucked with the Habs this time;
• Things should happen in the Phoenix bankruptcy court today;
• Some Sutter brother will step down as Devils coach today;
• Just the thought of Ovie at the MuchMusic Video Awards has me laughing already.

It all comes to an end in Pittsburgh tonight. Or does it?

Another Russian Cock-Teaser Says 'Nyet' To Bob

Hot on the heels of Pavel Valentenko's mid-season departure comes news that another Habs Russian draft pick, Alexei Yemelin, will stay in the motherland for another one or two years. This is the second time Alexei Y. has cock-teased Bob with rumours of his intention to cross the Atlantic, only to bail in sketchy circumstances - doesn't sounds from the RDS article like his agent knew anything about it until after it was done.

I'm betting the Habs will not be calling a name that sounds like an old James Bond villan at the draft any time soon.

First a big goofy Swede and now a small gooney Russian slap Montreal in the face. This does not bode well for UFA season. Oh well, seeing Alexei getting his face smashed in by Alexander Svitov will make you feel better:

The Morning Skate for Monday, June 8th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the career Grand Slam...

• Just in case you were dead all day yesterday, you should know that Detroit dominated Game 5 Saturday night, winning 5-0. Datsyuk played, at about maybe 80%, but that was more than good enough. Sid and Geno decided to take stupid penalties instead of scoring. That was not too bright.

Not much else is happening in the hockey world. Is it too late to start a Formula One and strippers blog?

The Weekend Open Thread of Love was made possible 65 years ago today

Heya! So I got to thinking this morning. You know, if it wasn't for the brave Allied forces storming the beach of Normandy on June 6, 1944, we wouldn't have the freedom today to post pictures of babes kissing. Think about that.

The focus of our weekend is of course Game 5 tonight in Detroit. The Wings expect Datsyuk to play barring some sort of accident on the way to the Joe. Has Pensburgh ripped momentum away permanently? I highly doubt it. Wings are just too good to let it slip away like that. They may be tired and old, however. Should be a doozy.

In other hockey news, the NFL, NBA, and MLB stuck their noses in the Coyotes situation and filed a court brief and bla bla bla we should keep our iron control over everything, bad precedent, bla bla bla. I'm a lawyer and I even I find this shit boring already. Elsewhere, we've got French Open Finals, Mike Weir in contention at The Memorial, and Game 2 of the NBA Finals tomorrow. Go ahead and comment to your hearts' desire. You can say anything you want, thanks to the brave soldiers 65 years ago today.

Live blogging Jimmy Balls

As i sit here at work, I am listening to Tirico and Van Pelt on ESPN Radio. They are currently interviewing Jim Balsillie. I am going to try to report this as it happens, because I am bored as fuck on a Friday afternoon.

Tirico: What is the biggest stop sign in Bettman's eyes?
Balls: I don't know. You'll have to ask them. Basically I said, "here's a check, if I can relocate them to Southern Ontario."

Tirico: Was the South a mistake?
Balls: Dangerous to generalize. My purchase attempt is not part of a larger picture.

VP: Is Canada a "bigger seed to plant"? (or something)
Balls: Yes, Canada is very fertile. Second Southern Ontario team will only bolster the league.

Tiricio: Do you have support among NHL and hockey people?
Balls: I won't get specific about my conversations. I have no intention of doing anything but playing by the rules, building friendships.

VP: It all seems to make sense coming from you. good luck to you and Canada.

/fin

Sexy Friday whips out the video

A couple of videos for you on Sexy Friday. First up, our favourite anonymous blonde hockey talker goes outside to have the wind swept through her hair and talk about Games 1 and 2. Amazingly, lots of what she says comes through for the Pens in the last two games. I'm telling you, she's a brilliant analyst! She's also cute trying to pronounce Justin Abdelkader. Finally, I like the way she has to sort of lean forward to be in the camera frame.

Recently we had a complaint about the lack of strip club stuff around here. Agreed! This has nothing to do with hockey, but here's a CNN story about some dude suing a strip club when a stripper allegedly kicked him in the head. Lawyers and strippers! FHF in real life.


To make up for that not being about hockey, I have some hockey news. Mario Tremblay will not be rehired by the Wild, he's now free to join the Habs. He said of course, would love to come here. Did that just make your Sexy Friday flaccid?

As always, Sexy Friday copyright KSK

The Morning Skate is taunting the Wings with dance for Friday, June 5th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning 300 games. We still think the Langston trade was a smart one...

• Helloooooo, series. Pens offense comes alive in a 4-2 win, evening the series and grabbing Moe and his brother Mentum by the throat. Sid and Geno with 1G 1A each. Wings actually looked befuddled for a while there in the second, after TMS turning point Staal's shorthanded goal. MAF is now outplaying Osgoode. Hossa is possibly now regretting his decision. We could ask, but we can't seem to find him;
• Blah blah blah, second team in Toronto, blah blah blah;
• CKAC reports Habs have a new goalie coach, so you know it's not true;
• George Gillett has money issues, in case you didn't know.
  

Happy Sexy Friday to all. Hey, it's Grand Prix weekend in Montreal! Oh, right.

The Mid-morning Skate for Thursday, June 4th

Bullet points for what you missed while FUCK YOU VIDEOTRON...

• In case you missed it in the comments yesterday, Jacques Demers could have been our next coach. Also on tap, Benoit Brunet and Eric Desjardins as assistants. Mmm, 1993. But since Serge Savard sort of pulled out, the plan is down the tubes. Whew;
• Avs clean house;
• Phlyers look to Ray Emery to be their goalie and kick some ass;
• Here's a full transcript of the Ron Maclean-Gary Bettman interview from Tuesday night's HNIC broadcast. Well worth the read. Ron should have been a lawyer. Standard Bettman response: "I’m not exactly sure what you’re talking about".

Pivotal Game 4 tonight. Datsyuk is a game-time decision. I love his quote about sitting out: "Oh I tell you, this is not fun to watch. I take in lots of beer." You and me both, Pavel.

The Morning Skate counts to six for Wednesday, June 3rd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of trying to Tweet from China...

• Well, for one day at least we have a series. Thank fucking god. Max Talbot pots two in the Pens' 4-2 win over the Wings. MAF finally won a goalie battle with Osgood. Sid is still a zombie, but Malkin came alive with 3 helpers. Two PP goals for the Pens, including Gonchar's winner after one of those interference calls where you think to yourself "Seriously? It's the 3rd period of a FUCKING STANLEY CUP FINALS GAME". And the refs did more too, ignoring about 20-25 seconds of Pittsburgh too many men on the ice. Your photo evidence is above. I'm sure Bettman had nothing to do with any of this;
• In case you missed it in the comments late yesterday, Quebecor Prez Pierre-Karl Péladeau was suprised the Habs hired a coach before an ownership change. Keeping his mouth shut does not seem to be one of M. Péladeau's strong suits;
• The French press dreams of François Allaire as the new Habs goalie coach.

Seize the Wednesday people.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, June 2nd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being a Deadspin commentor...

• Not much happened yesterday. It was pretty quiet around here;
• In all seriousness, let's try to recap. Jacques Martin is the Habs new head coach. Brilliant reaction from HF10 is in the next post down. In the process, somehow Rollie the Goalie Coach got axed. Weeeeee! Vicious rumours of Mario Tremblay being hired as an assistant were unfounded. As BGL chimed in, "people will be happy here (in Montreal) because he's bilingual." There's a vote of confidence;
• Jimmy Balls filed an application for team relocation with the league last night. We don't know what that means either. Like Bettman cares about your "procedures";
• With Joe Nieuwendyk as the new Dallas GM, Brett Hull is now "executive vice president and alternative governor" aka "stay away from the hockey team Brett."

Hey look, hockey! Finals Game 3 tonight. God forbid the Pens make this a series.

Now We Have Your Attention!

Enemies of Les Glorieux! Do you quake with fear at the announcement of our new leader? Are you not paralyzed by your own inadequacies, now that the most exalted mind of Jacques Martin, Defensive Guru, has taken his rightful place amongst the titans in Les Habitants dressing room? Do you not know that this mastermind, the winningest coach in the history of TWO of the most storied expansion franchises of the 1990's has made it his mission to right the wrongs of the past decade for the most storied franchise of all? Tremble as you face the might of this newly reconstituted managerial, coaching, and hockey playing juggernaut!

And you! The ungrateful proletariat scum that alternately worships at and grovels before the altar of awesomeness that is your Montreal Canadiens! Do not trouble us with your namby-pamby concerns over the Defensive Guru's perceived faults! Do not cite "boredom" as a reason for slighting the glory of the Defensive Guru, who turned Jason Spezza into the Selke winner in waiting he is today! He who took an Ottawa Senators organization from the depths of despair into the Eastern Conference champions, only vanquished in the Finals by corrupt referees and an Anaheim team featuring 14 Hall of Famers! Do not play mosquito to the ear of the Gods, complaining that the Senators and Panthers were defense-oriented, not when the official Party records show that the Defensive Guru's teams regularly average 15 goals a game, and that every Florida Panther ever coached or managed by the Guru set career highs in goals, assists, points and highlight reel appearances every year! This is a man so confident in his own Defensive brilliance and so cunningly subtle in his offensive wizardry that he could allow them to trade Roberto Luongo away just to win without him! Because he can! Only God himself can devise an offensive game plan sophisticated enough to crack the armour of the Guru!

Do you not know the offensive arsenal that can be unleashed, now that our players are secure in the knowledge that the Guru has devised a defensive masterpiece so airtight that they can merely relax and attack with relentless, remorseless fury? Witness the wizardry that our masters of puck sleight-of-hand like Kovalev, Kostitsyn and Gorges will dazzle with, now that the Guru has come to guide them!

Do you not know the genius of a man who took a downtrodden Senators franchise to heretofore unseen heights on the back of Patrick Lalime? Can you imagine the futility of attacking the Guru's system backstopped by all-universe goalie Carey Price? Our enemies will gnash their teeth and weep like children, unable to muster any answers!

Do you not realize that our Defensive Guru hails from Greater Rockland, neighbour to the venerable birthplace of St. Guy of Thurso? Are you not aware that our St. Guy first demonstrated his otherworldly talents as a member of the Rockland Boomers? Who do you think was the architect of his magical acension into the pantheon? The Guru was there from the beginning! Tremble as he wields the might of the power of St. Guy on a new generation!

You fear the arrival of Mario Tremblay? The man who singlehandedly delivered two Stanley Cups and countless successes on the weaklings known as Colorado? Adding a man of such unique talents and abilities, aligned with the genius of the Guru will only cause our enemies more consternation! The power of a man who can stare down St. Patrick compels you to genuflect!

Yay, I tell you that there will be those amongst the non-believers who crow at the Guru's lack of success versus the infidels of the Blue and White. Let them know that God himself needed to rebuild the entire earth before finding his chosen people! The Guru's time with the Senators and Panthers was but the impetus for the new Genesis of glory that comes from finally being united with the chosen, Les Habitants! The Don River will run red with the blood and tears of the non-believers after the Guru brings hell to the House of Sodom known as the ACC! We will not be denied! The Guru will stand astride the NHL as a bilingual, stoic, shining beacon of fantastic! He will become the collosus that crushes all before him in a vice-like grip of defensive acumen married to the Canadiens already otherworldly offensive talents! You will not doubt him, or you will not be party to the glory and joy of victory!

Welcome our new classy overlord

Sure he's bilingual, but he's from Ontario. The 110% guys won't like him.

So lap dances to FHF reader QLess for reporting that Team 990 is reporting that Jacques Martin will in fact be the Habs next head coach. A punch from the bouncer to the same QLess for forcing me to listen to 20 minutes of Team 990 to confirm this. I can confirm that yes, Team 990 is reporting it as a "done deal" as QLess said. He has gotten out of his Panthers contract, and will be put in front of the Montreal media pretty soon.

I'm sure you're waiting for the FHF insta-reaction. Problem is I've only had 3 minutes, and I need 10 minutes in blogworld. So the pros - bilingual, experience, defensive discipline. Cons - defensive discipline. Good luck teaching that to Kovy.

OK FHF'ers, make my mind up for me.

UPDATE - Habs I/O is reporting that the Habs have a 2 PM press conference to introduce the Martinizer.

The Morning Skate for Monday, June 1st

June 1st? Fuck me...

• Well, this series is over. Wings take Game 2, 3-1. It's too bad, the Pens are playing pretty well, but Osgood was too good again. The real excitement last night was the Malkin-Zetterberg lightweight division tilt at the end of the game. You read that right. Here's the vid;
• Habs strength and conditioning coach Scott Livingston is leaving the club. Good fucking riddance;
• Dallas will have a new GM today, and it's Joe Nieuwendyk. Brett Hull has been reassigned to the golf course.
  

In case you think the series is not over, here is our favourite anonymous blonde woman previewing the Finals. Her Pens in 6 prediction may now be mocked openly.