CRITICAL SYSTEM FAILURE - Bruins 8, Habs 6 (no, really!) - a TMS review

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a coach who might actually react when his heart exploded out of his chest...

• Apologies for the review style, but man we just have so many jumbled thoughts about that game we just have to spit them out somehow, and we have no time for coherent thinking, we've got to prepare for the Islanders tonight! Woohoo! Islanders!
• WTF was that?
• No, seriously, what. the. fuck;
• Despite our rapt confusion, that was as entertaining a hockey game as you'll see in the Jacques Martin era in Montreal;
• OK, how about some stats: 182 PIM with 14 fighting majors and 4 game misconducts;
• Two of those fighting majors were to TFS and Timmeh. They were just adorable! Carey seemed to enjoy it. Price on the fight: "I think we were just play-fighting more than anything". Then they sticked-tapped as they left the ice after the 2nd. Again, so adorable!
• The penalties led to some great penalty box photos;
• The Habs' defence as a corps was, uh, porous? Pathetic? Really, really, really, really crappy?
• We are really starting to get annoyed at the Mexican. He couldn't have been more terrible last night, what with the ill-timed penalty (AGAIN), the lack of any offensive spark whatsoever, the inability to win a faceoff, the crossing of the blue line only to give up the puck and a goal the other way, the complete inability (or lack of desire more likely) to cover someone in the defensive zone, the steadfast refusal to SHOOT THE MOTHERFUCKING PUCK despite being in perfect position to do so (alone, uncovered, in the left slot, on a PP). At least CHokula noticed it too and benched him for most of the 3rd;
• The Broons are a bunch of motherfucking goons. Fine, have some fights, we like fights too, but stop with the gooning it up in the final minute, you goons;
• So FUCK YEAH when CHicken of all people pounded the shit out of Krejci;
• On the other hand, SpatCHes, uh, no fight good. Those were 30 quality blows he took to the face;
• Credit Tommy Pyatt for taking some quality blows too while getting nicely bloodied with a Bruin goon elbow or something;
• Fuck TSN. No seriously, Habs were not DOMINATED. Habs were not OUTMATCHED. Habs were not EMBARRASSED. I seem to recall scores of 2-2 and 5-4. Shots were 33-34 for the game. That sounds pretty close to us;
• Fuck Mcsplooge in particular:

• Don't forget, Lakers-Celtics tonight on TSN2!
• RDS, we're not letting you off easy. Fuck Benoit Brunet and his cackling laughter every time someone scored. The Bruins scoring is not fucking funny you asshat;
• CHokula, how about FUCKING DOING SOMETHING DURING THE GAME. Your System was in the tank, do something about it. Sending out Alex Auld to start the 3rd would have been a good place to start;
• TFS having to do his own work clearing his crease is really fucking embarrassing for the Habs D. At least it would be, if we had any D;
• Want to know how whack this game was? According Elias Sports Bureau, after 709 games between these teams this was the first time ever there was a period where each team scored 4 goals;
• Is this game just an aberration or has it showed a really flawed Habs team?
• Congrats to Gio getting his 200th career goal, and Swiss Mister II getting his first NHL regular-season goal;
• Congrats to Double D for playing a decent game. The Mexican could learn something from him;
• Congrats to the Habs PP for coming back to life;
• Congrats to you for reading all these bullet points.

Paging Doctor Mulder - Sabres 1, Gutsy Habs 1, Refs 1 (OT)

You know, I generally really hate people who blame the refs. It's a pet peeve of mine.Yes, the reffing may have been crappy in a particular game, but give it up dude. You lost, you didn't score enough goals to win, etc. etc. Even if the team that was allegedly screwed was the Habs, I hated falling into that blame the refs trap. I thought it was cowardly and just idiotic. Man up; you / we lost, get over it.

But not anymore. Because I am now one of those people. I blame the refs for last night, and deservedly so.

Do I think the Gomez penalty in the last minute of a 1-1 game was a penalty? Absolutely (though I believe the recipient clearly embellished, and Gomez' stick really didn't connect, his hand did). Do I blame Gomez for taking it? Not in the fucking least, even though he himself has taken full responsibility and others have blamed him. I don't blame him because he believed that the refs had put their whistles away in the last couple of minutes of a tie game, if not the whole fucking last two periods. How could he not when CHeez Whiz was absolutely CRUSHED, FROM BEHIND, INTO THE BOARDS by Gaustad I think it was, with no call whatsoever, no more than a minute before Gomez got called. I tried to find video of it but the NHL powers that be have removed all traces of it from the internet. You could point to a bunch of other non-calls too, from Lego getting hacked IN THE FACE and repeatedly cross-checked and manhandled and roughed and boarded and molested by Tyler Myers to a blatant holding the stick of Moen to other shit I'm too angry about to try and remember.

What REALLY pisses me off is that the refs seemed to have been influenced by Lindy Ruff's little temper tantrum early in the game when one of his players actually did get called for a penalty. Lindy railed into the refs, and from then on out, they seemed to be scared of him. DO YOU SEE NOW CHOKULA WHY SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO SCREAM AT THE REFS??? I hate this fucking league.

Anything else happen in the game last night? No? Moving on then.

Oh right, right, we had a couple guys get dinged. Let's go to the bullet points:

• Squid's shoulder goes crashing into the boards (with a shove from behind btw, no call), looks to be separated, TSN reported minimum two weeks out;
• Max PatCHes' giant heart takes a CHeez Whiz slap shot, he's rushed to hospital though he flew home with the team. RDS reports it's his ribs, no word on seriousness;
• CHallah disappears in the first sometime, returns to the bench but barely sees any action;
• PFK blocks a shot with his foot, limps / crawls off the ice but returns;
• Hal Gilligan injures his wrist, looks to be ok;
• JM appeared to be unconscious (well, ok, that's every game);
• Mcsplooge seemed to be suffering from some horrible laughing disease. Fuck you you asshole, your Hamilton jokes were not funny.

In the wake of all that, the Habs played the game with essentially three lines, a mere 24 hours after a tough win over the Flames. They deserve all the credit in the world for fighting though it and earning a point. Carey played some heroic hockey, and many others really stepped up (PFK, Lego, Gio, even Gomez and Swiss Mister II). I could go on about how courageous they were, but I will close by paraphrasing one of my favourite moments from Lloyd Bridges in Airplane II:

Gentlemen, I don't find it easy to talk at a time like this, but I got to say something about that team up there, and I can sum it all up in just one word: courage...dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle, and G-U-T-S, *guts*. Why, The Habs got more guts in their little finger than most of us have in our large intestine, INCLUDING THE COLON.

/ falls over drunk

What the fuck is wrong with this fucking team they fucking suck - Caps preview and open thread

When I get angry (and GG11 is on the road), it's time for fat CHicks

"I am just more and more pissed with Martin. Tell FHF it's time to have a conversation about whether he's the right man for the job"
- Mom of HF29

Consider it done mom. In the absence of TMS, TMS Rants has been moved to the preview. NSFW (language) ahead!

What the fuck is wrong with this fucking piece of crap fucking team of shit? I was enjoying a lovely holiday up at Casa Norde del 29, and I was sort of ignoring things to the best of my abilities, but the shittiness of this fucking team is dragging me down the fucking rabbit hole. I settle in to my first broadcast of TSN Habs feed (we've got Bell up here) only to find out fucking Rod Black was doing play by play. Urge... to kill... RISING!!! Fine, I could live with that crap. Sure, Rod's the worst fucking sports broadcaster in the history of the universe, but whatever. Nobody in the fucking stands due to a giant snowstorm, but whatever. Habs coming off their only win on this road trip so far, we're going to turn this whole road trip around, right? NOT FUCKING BLOODY LIKELY. Instead, we turn in one of the most miserable fucking performances in the history of fucking hockey. Well, maybe I'm exaggerating. The Habs didn't put in any performance at all. They just fucking showed up. Well, not showed up in the metaphorical sense. Their bodies were on the fucking ice, but their minds were buried in the fucking snow. Or with some Long Island road beef or something. They certainly didn't have their fucking heads in that game I'll tell you. Yeah, we had an advantage in shots, but so fucking what? At no time did I have any fucking belief we'd win that game. AND IT'S THE FUCKING ISLANDERS. It's not like they were, I don't know, a real team, like the Caps or something. Is it time to panic? IT IS ABSOLUTLEY FUCKING TIME TO PANIC. This team is fucking falling apart before our eyes. Shall we count the ways? I think fucking not. OK, 3 ways. 1. We can't fucking score. 2. We have no fucking defense. 3. Carey has become human. And possibly tired already. Oh, and Chokula is destroying this team from the inside out, according to my mom. And as you know, mom of 29 is always right.

So if the whole "maybe we're just a fucking shitty team" wasn't bad enough, now the fucking Habs are falling apart IN PRACTICE. THEY'RE FUCKING FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER. I don't know the real story behind what went on and who said something stupid to who and who is a fucking idiot (Chokula) and who has lost control of this team (Chokula) and who is to fucking blame for our current woes (Chokula). One person I don't blame for any of this? PK FUCKING SUBBAN, that's who. He is now getting the royal fucking shaft. Has Swiss Mister II done any better than PFK? Has Captain Picard done any better than PFK? FUCK AND NO. They have not. They are FUCKING WORSE. They are just as fucking shitty in the defensive zone if not worse, and their upside potential is nowhere near what PFK's is. Yet who gets the benefit of the doubt? ANYONE BUT PK FUCKING SUBBAN THAT'S WHO. Do we have one D on this team who can skate with the puck and make a fucking pass and create offense? Yes, one. PK FUCKING SUBBAN THAT'S WHO. Yet who sits in the pressbox? PK FUCKING SUBBAN THAT'S WHO.  He better be fucking playing tonight or we'll soon be three(-ish) Habs Fans as I'll be in Bordeaux for murdering a fucker.

And if the PFK crap wasn't bad enough, now after the Bruins won last night the Habs are in EIGHTH FUCKING PLACE IN THE EAST. There you go. The collapse is upon us people. Matt will be here any fucking minute to tell you that. And it says so in the fucking sidebar! I'm not looking forward to watching this piece of shit team play this fucking game tonight. The only plus side is that Panger is in town and we'll be watching together at Casa del FHF, aka Hurleys. That'll be fucking awesome. The 7-1 final against will not be.

7 PM start from the DC Phone Booth, on RDS and TSN Bell Habs with hopefully not Rod Black. Let the expletives fly in the comments. Go You Fucking Juniors Go.

The Game Day Skate gets just a little rant-y for Thursday, November 18

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of another Olympic medal for our favourite redheaded Canadian...

• Having to go play a hockey game after you've just been to a memorial service for your coach's daughter who committed suicide is not a recipe for winning. Canes 7, Sens 1;
• That game came in the wake of a fascinating trade between the Canes and Flames for all sorts of reasons. 1. Greek Lightning was involved. 2. Darryl Sutter traded his son Brett. 3. Darryl Sutter traded his son Brett who had been arrested for assault the week before;
• Jaro lets in 7 goals in the Blues' 7-3 loss to the Wings, their fifth straight loss. Even worse, he scored on himself. That is not a typo;
• The Bruins were down two men in the 3rd but Tim Thomas held the Rangers off for a 3-2 win;
• New coach, but the Isles are still bad;
• The Pens ended their futility against the Canucks with a 3-1 win;
• Look, originally I had planned to go all out rant-y on Mike Richards and his PFK comments. It was gonna be epic stuff in the best TMS Rants tradition. Then I thought to myself, well, maybe he's not worth my energy. Fuck that little pussy. You lost, your team lost, your team gooned it up and I'm not gonna waste my time on a piece of shit like you and your threats to one of our favourite players around here. Take a look in the mirror you David Booth-destroying asshole. Take a look at your own fucking teammates. You, who wanted to fight Andrei fucking Kostitsyn, want to talk about respect? Fuck you. And fuck the media outside Montreal for thinking his comments may have some merit or something. Oh, a rookie is supposed to WAIT to have to defend his teammates and play hard and do everything he can to help his team win? Fuck you. And fuck the NHL for not even thinking about doing something about one player threatening another. Some have suggested an undercurrent of racism in the comments. I like to see the good in people so I'm not going to fall into that trap. Mike Richards is just an asshole, pure and simple. Not worthy of being a captain. Well, worthy of being the Flyers captain I guess. That is all.

Tits vs. Tits tonight.

Fuck Vidéotron in the ass: don't expect to see any Habs regional coverage any time soon

So we were all excited when TSN announced a package of 24 Habs games to be broadcast in Eastern Canada. Not that we don't enjoy RDS, but a break from Benny Brunet is always good. And those TSN games seemed to be McSplooge-free! Bonus! Of course the games are on BellTV, given that TSN and BellTV are all part of the same happy family giant media conglomerate. But most people in Quebec, and thus a huge majority of Habs fans, have Vidéotron as their cable or satellite provider. We figured it would only be a matter of time before Vidéotron got those games on. Alas, I have bad news. An inquiry to Vidétron's "customer service" about the TSN games has yielded the following response:

Sir, Madam,

We thank you for having taken the time to write to us.

TSN announced that it has acquired the rights to broadcast 24 games of the regional Montreal Canadians in English. These games will not be presented or TSN or TSN2, but at another position which will not in itself be an official channel and will be functional only when these games will be broadcasted.

Please note that TSN already has broadcast rights to 16 games of the Montreal Canadians who will be featured on their regular channels. The games for which the chain has recently acquired the broadcast rights are not and were not presented by any other English broadcasters before this new agreement. The broadcasting of games on Saturday are the property of CBC, while RDS has the exclusive broadcast rights for all Canadiens games in French.

For now, no agreement has occurred between TSN and Videotron on the possible introduction of these 24 games. Since your opinion is important to us, we have forwarded your interest for this channel to our marketing department. New content generating strong demand may lead to its inclusion in our services in the future.

We hope this explanation has been helpful.  Do not hesitate to contact us again for any further information you may need.  Our customer service department will be pleased to answer you as soon as possible.
 
[name of unhelpful customer service rep redacted]

Yes, this explanation has been extremely helpful! In telling me I'm never seeing these games in my lifetime.

Sexy Friday would like TFS to FUCKING SIGN A CONTRACT ALREADY

"You know how I am, roll as you go," Price said. "I'm a restricted free agent, it's pretty much wait and see and come to an agreement that is fair to both sides."

Yeah, we know how you are, Dude. You roll as you go, you Phat Wale, that's for sure, no bongs for you. But some of us are starting to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Negotiations are ongoing, everyone tells us. HOW MUCH FUCKING NEGOTIATION DO YOU NEED??? Seriously, it's not as if Habs management is out there swinging all sorts of deals and signing all sorts of free agents. They FUCKING HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO. So what is the major malfunction here? What is the holdup? Are the Habs low balling? Is the Phat Wale holding out for bigger bucks because of how instrumental he was in the Habs' run to the Eastern Conference Finals? Seriously, as a lawyer I have negotiated much more complicated deals in much less time than this has dragged on. I looked at a calendar today; it's almost fucking August! The summer is OVER. The season is just around the corner, and Cedric Desjardins will be our starter. GGGAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

TMS Rants - this looks pretty close to a Hall of Fame lineup to me

WTF is wrong with the Hall of Fame? FUCK THE HALL. Look, I am not necessarily saying that Adam Oates is a Hall of Famer. Or the Russian Rocket. Or even Lindros (though if the Hall excuses Cam Neely's stats / career length because of injury, they should fucking do the same for Lindros). But they are all certainly worthy of discussion at least. I am most definitely saying (imho) that Gilmour and Nieuwendyk are Hall of Famers (there are enough stats to back me up, go find them yourself, I've got ranting to do). And don't get me started on Pat Burns. There is a special circle of hell for dicks who ignore Hall-worthy good people who will be fucking dead in 6 months of a horrible disease.

What I really mean to be saying here is that when the best you can do for a Hall of Fame class is Dino Ciccarelli and a couple of chicks (mazel tov to all of you! well deserved!) why the fuck could the fucking Hall not add ONE of that group up there??? I don't fucking get it. They can have up to four MALE players. So they put in one? Good fucking luck now Dougie. If you can't get in alongside Dino and the chicks, you're fucked forever. Look at me, I'm fucking pissed about a LEAF (he's always a Leaf to me) being fucked over. That's how fucked this is. Who would you rather have on your team, Doug Gilmour or Bernie Federko? Or Clark Gillies? Exactly. Two of those are the Hall. Fuck the Hall.

We now return you to our regularly-scheduled off-season signing news.

TMS is both speechless and ranting for Thursday, April 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of water from space...

• We know we've said this before, but !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Un-fucking-believable. Habs complete an epic comeback from 3-1 down in the series to win, thanks to Jaro, The Urologist, and Dominic Moore who led us to a 2-1 win over the Caps last night. Really, there are no words. More later today;
• Okay, here are some words. FUCK YOU NHL AND NBC AND BETTMAN AND ANYONE ELSE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE FUCKING SCHEDULE FOR THE NEXT ROUND. GIVE US A FUCKING BREAK. No, you can't give us a break. Less than 48 hours after an epic win we have to get back on the ice against Pensburgh. THAT'S NOT THE WORST PART. Maybe you could ride some adrenalin and get some wind back after that BUT NOOOOOOOO. Game 2 is SUNDAY FUCKING AFTERNOON. THANKS ALL YOU SCHEDULING FUCKTARDS FOR PUTTING US IN A TWO-GAME HOLE TO START. Take your fucking precious Sidney and GO FUCK YOURSELF NHL. Boston and Philly have been jerking off for days already and THEY ONLY FUCKING START SATURDAY. Here's a headline from TSN: "After four days of waiting, Penguins ready for next round." OF COURSE THEY FUCKING ARE;
• Ooh, that felt good;
• There was only minimal rioting in the streets last night;
  
• The Lester B Pearson Award is now the Ted Lindsay Award. We have no problem with that;
• Joe Sacco (Avs), Dave Tippett (Yotes) and Barry Trotz (Preds) are your Jack Adams finalists.

Long-form video highlights after a Game 7 win? Heaven.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE JUST GET A POINT - Hurricanes preview rant and open thread

Listen up, you fucking Habs. We're all pretty disappointed in your behaviour in the face of possibly clinCHing on Tuesday. You came out as flat as a pair of non-Marisa Miller tits, and it wasn't pretty. Oh sure, you fought back a little bit to take a couple of leads, but can you fucking hold a lead? Of course not, because, well, I don't know why. The defense sucks? Count Chokula sucks? You just don't care? (Gio and Moore excepted) Who the fuck knows. All we wanted was some FUCKING DESPERATION. Did you watch the Rangers play last night? Oh sure, they played the Leafs Suck, but they played with desperation. They knew they had to come out strong and win and they did. Are you fucking worse than the pathetic Rangers? No, you're fucking not. Well, SHOW US. Show us how you are desperate to make the playoffs. Show us YOU FUCKING CARE. Go to the fucking net. Dig in the corners. FUCKING WORK FOR 60 MINUTES FOR FUCK'S SAKE. All we need is one measly fucking point to clinCH a playoff spot. Do you think you can manage that you fucktards? This entire season has been a roller coaster ride from hell. You've got two fucking games to show us you mean it. And do you want to go down to the wire, against the Leafs, to have to do it? No you fucking don't. I know most of you weren't here in 2007 when in that same situation the same fucking Leafs of all teams denied us a spot in the playoffs. That wasn't fucking pretty, and no one around here (except eyebleaf) wants to have to live through that shit again. So go out there, at least pretend like you care and FUCKING GET A POINT FOR FUCK'S SAKE. DO NOT BACK INTO THE PLAYOFFS LIKE A BUNCH OF FUCKING PUSSIES. I gave you a naked Marisa Miller. That should be all the fucking motivation you need.

OK, that's enough. 7:30 PM in Carolina and it's on TSN. The starter hasn't been announced as of this writing though I assume it's Jaro, and Squid and CHicken better fucking wake up soon. The end.

A final note. Before I decided to rant, we were working on a preview theme of The Wizard of Oz (you know, hurricane and all that). It included some killer work from GG which I didn't want to be lost to the dustbin of FHF history. You can see it here. The Wicked Witch will give you nightmares.

Canadian Olympic Hottie of the Day for the Ladies

Ladies, say hello to Stefan Read, part of Canada's young and upcoming ski jumping team. Stefan will be jumping in qualifying on the big hill today, but don't expect any medals from him or any Canadian, they'll probably be happy to make it to the finals. If he does, go easy on him during the celebration party; he's only a spry 5'9", 132 lbs. Half of it abs and smoldering eyes.

Around the Olympics yesterday, GOLD MEDAL BITCHES!!! Christine Nesbitt takes the 1000m long track. She was the overwhelming favourite coming in and she actually lived up to the billing. That alone is a brilliant accomplishment imho. Thank Darwin for the long blades, because...

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WE SUCK AT HOCKEY. Not to get all alarmist here (too late), but fuck a 3-2 OT win AGAINST THE FUCKING SWISS AGAIN THOSE FUCKING SWISS was really unpleasant. A PP failure of epic proportions. Sure, call it a great performance by Hiller, and sure, the boys got it done in the end, but fuck, I still say that was a failure. All sorts of weaknesses exposed. I know I say this a lot, but meh.

In more fun hockey news, Jaro was dominant against the Russians, leading the Slovaks to a 2-1 (SO) upset. 36 saves and he stopped Ovie twice in the shootout. Just wow.

The Morning Skate thinks it's time to let the fucking expletives fly for Wednesday, December 2nd

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THAT WAS EMBARRASSING. On home ice, no less. In front of the CFL champion Als no less. TO THE FUCKING LEAFS. Habs fucking suck. These fucktards couldn't play their way out of a peewee tournament in Spain.

When asked whether it was his team's worst game at home this season, Martin said, "Bang on. Without a doubt. Definitely."

YOU'RE DAMN FUCKING RIGHT THERE JACQUES. Now why don't you get off your fucking ass and do something about it? We cannot believe we are wasting our valuable time on this piece of shit team when we could be doing something more fun like maybe repeatedly poking at our own eyes with a pointy stick covered in poison.

In other news, the Molsons are your official owners now. Hopefully they kept the receipt and can get a refund. Ovie got two games for the knee on knee stuff. Heater helped beat his old team. Other shit probably happened, we really don't care.

Welcome to December.

TMS reports that Captain Markov won't be captain because when he was asked he was never asked

So everyone follow along if you can. Yesterday morning, The Gazette's Pat Hickey reported:

"The Gazette has learned that Markov, who wore an "A" on his jersey as one of the assistant captains last season, was asked whether he wanted to wear the "C", but told the Habs he wasn't interested."

Then yesterday afternoon on Habs I/O, reporting from their own post-scrimmage audio:

"Today's news: Andrei Markov says he hasn't been approached about the captaincy"

Alright then, simple enough. Either Markov is lying, or Pat Hickey is a crappy journalist. Either way, fun times at FHF this morning!

OK enough fun, let's go to the TMS mini-rant. Jesus fucking Christ, Montreal media, GET A LIFE. Go listen to the Markov audio linked to above. No wait, don't. It's too fucking much. What seemed like a half hour of one fucking idiotic repetitive question after another about Markov as captain AFTER HE FUCKING TOLD YOU HE WASN'T ASKED AND DOESN'T WANT IT. Why don't you leave him the fuck alone and let him play hockey; that's all he wants. Or fucking ask him some, you know, HOCKEY questions. How do you feel about all the new guys? How long do you think it will take to gel? What do you think about the revamped defence? Do you think you can match or exceed your point total from last year? How's the new coach treating you? See, we can do it and TMS is NOT A FUCKING TRAINED JOURNALIST.

It's gonna be a long season.

lap dance to you know who by now for the Photoshop

Fuck this fucking team

No seriously, fuck this fucking team (Mad Max excepted). If it wasn't for wanting to entertain you fine readers and commentors (like poor Kristin, who traveled many kilometers to cross the border to witness that crap), I wouldn't waste one minute of my time on this band of no-effort fucktards. I will write these three sentences to say fuck you team then go out and enjoy everything else life has to offer.

p.s. still 10 games left. Plenty of time to turn it around Boob.

The Morning Skate Gives Up on Thursday, February 12th

Fuck this fucking team.

On the plus side, I just read through the game thread and was quite amused. Well done kids - you're all much funnier when we're losing.

TMS considers ritualistic suicide for Friday, January 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of your bus strike finally ending...

• My god the level of suckitude of this team has now reached epic proportions. Congrats guys! Habs get embarrassed by Florida 5-1. We're embarrassed to be wasting half our life on a blog dedicated to these guys;
• Even the fucking Senators won;
• Even the fucking Leafs won.

How about Vigneault for Carbo straight up? It's one of those trades that could help both teams. This is not the way we wanted a pre-Super Bowl weekend Sexy Friday to begin.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, October 16

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of going to the World Series...

• Habs win! Habs suck for two periods! Habs maintenance workers who put the boards together need to be fired! More later today;
• Rangers finally lose. Start fearing Buffalo, people;
• Ryan Hiollweg gets a 3-game suspension for his boarding game misconduct.

We know we promised a TMS rant for the Ryder booing, but we seem to have been outvoted in the comments. Here's a rant: fuck you, economy. You suck.

The Morning Skate Gets Political for Thursday, October 9th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of eating some delicious-yet deadly Maple Leaf meats. Again...

• Looks like Higgins, Frankie B and Laraque (seriously, nickname? the fucking season starts tomorrow) will not make it to the ice Friday night for the opener. After being virtually injury-free last year... we can't finish this sentence;
• Lap dance to FHF regular grrrreg for pointing out Craig Rivet has been named captain in Buffalo. Uh, he hasn't even played a game there yet;
• TMS Mini Rant time! Thanks to Panger for clueing us in to the fact that Sarah Palin will drop the ceremonial puck at the Flyers opener. Fuck that miserable attack dog bitch and Republican stooge and Flyers owner Ed Snider. Injecting politics into the fucking season opener? If I was a Philadelphian I'd be pissed (well, more than I am). Now, normally I wouldn't have a problem with this - it seems like just another campaign stop. But fuck, that unqualified lying cunt reaps all the benefits of public events without the other side of the coin, i.e. ANSWERING ONE FUCKING QUESTION FROM A REPORTER. Oh, she's just a simple little hockey mom, dontcha know? Sorry you ignorant slut, if you want to be one 72-year old heartbeat away from being leader of the free world you'll have to answer a question or two. Maybe be able to name a fucking newspaper and not just call your opponents terrorist sympathizers. Take your Republican-cliché spewing, know-nothing, gay-hating, Troopergate-avoiding, no abortion-allowing even after rape (and make victims pay for their own evidence) lying admittedly-hot ass back to Alaska. You're a fucking embarrassment to real and intelligent hockey moms and all women everywhere. But you're a folksy MILF, so I guess that qualifies you for something. It ain't the Vice Presidency.
  

And we're back! Looking forward to the big finale of the preview today as Panger takes a look at TFS, Jaro, and the rest in our goalie preview. Real games tomorrow! W00t! Go Hockey!

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, September 24th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of seeing a Yankee-free Playoffs for a change, or nightmares of seeing the fucking Red Sox again..

• Big Tits in Roberval! Habs get their first exhibition win, 3-2 over the Sabres in Hockeyville. Pleks gets two and Big Tits gets 1G, 1A as the Habs show all is right in the world. For one day;
• The Stamkos era begins in Tampa as he pots his first NHL goal in leading the Lightning to a 3-2 win over the Rangers.

TMS MINI-RANT FOLLOW-UP

You may recall us telling Videotron to suck our dick over their dick-ass response to our inquiry about TSN2. Well now it turns out TSN2 will not be broadcasting just darts, but another 34 fucking hockey games, including Habs-Sens exhibition Saturday night. Fuck you Videotron, get off your fucking asses and throw a fucking switch already. Your'e fucking pathetic.

TMS Rants: Fuck Videotron and Fuck the CRTC they can suck my dick

So a couple of weeks ago we started seeing commercials for TSN2. We really didn't know what the fuck this was, but damn it sounded at least interesting. More poker and lumberjack sports? Giddyup! Alas, a quick inquiry to our cable or satellite provider (Videotron) about the availability of said channel yielded this response (actual email, though we edited some more bullshit out for length):

Mr TMS,

Thank you for taking the time to write us concerning the channel TSN 2

This channel is not currently available with our illico service. At the moment, we have no information concerning its future availability.

Each month, there are new channels which become available as well as international channels already in service and which may be in demand. The cable companies have the advantage of being able to offer a more innovative selection of products than the those offered by direct satellite signal, as well as being able to offer a more stable signal reception. But we must also face certain restrictions in the choice of available channels.

Thank you for your understanding.

Here's what we understand, fuckfaces. We're held prisoner by the CRTC who won't let us watch ESPN or HBO. You can get ESPN in Cuba, for fuck's sake. TSN - the test tube baby of ESPN and the CRTC - does something to make our lives more bearable and our cable or satellite provider who also holds us prisoner tells us to fuck right off if we want to watch it. While they're sending us a form letter telling us to fuck right off, they take the opportunity to get a dig in at their "competition". Their only "restrictions" are their monopolisitcally inflated profit margins. This latest shit just reminds us that the cable TV system in this country is a fucking joke.

Good morning sunshine.

TMS Rants: What the fuck is wrong with you people?

By "you people," of course TMS is not referring to our three awesome readers, but the fucking idiots who chose to riot after the Habs' Game 7 5-0 win last night. Sure, FHF readers may have trouble with the law on occasion (welcome out, free4life!), but you're not a bunch of fucking idiots.

I awoke at my usual ungodly hour this morning full of excitement. Ready to write TMS in all its post-series win glory. I was even going to praise Coach Carbo! That'll tell you what kind of mood I was in. Sure, the praise was going to be tempered by the first of many "act like you've been there before, Habs fans" mini-rants that you're going to get from me over the next day or two. But as I turned on CJAD, the news hit me like a ton of bricks. And my immediate reaction was what the fuck is wrong with you people?

Look, I enjoy a good riot as much as the next guy. I've been there. But after a Round 1 win? Are you fucking kidding me? The fine people at Reebok and Foot Locker (TMS wears a size 9, thanks!) did not deserve to have their stores smashed and looted. The Montreal police did not deserve to have their cars burnt like in the video above. And the happy Montrealers who just happened to have parked downtown last night certainly did not deserve what they got.

Now I'm sure it was not a majority of celebrators who did nasty things. It was undoubtedly a small group of people who were hell-bent on destruction probably no matter what happened at the game. But the "one bad apple spoils the bunch" axiom is staring us in the face here. We'll have to watch our step walking downtown this morning because of all the broken glass on the streets thanks to those bad apple fucktards.

Montreal is the greatest city in the world. I'm proud to call this city my home for nearly 40 years. But now we look like idiots to everyone else. So this morning, I am no longer proud. I'm just fucking embarassed.