The Taking of Game 1, Not 2 3: Flyers 6 - Habs 0 Game 1-Movie Review

Some of you may know this. Since last night felt a lot like the regular season, we decided we'd go back to one of our features, the game movie review combo where we split our commentary between the game and a movie we've seen recently.

The Taking of Game 1

Not a whole lot to talk about from a Montreal perspective. Philly did exactly what it needed to do in the best of worlds. Get in Halak's face, hit our smaller forwards, make PK look like a rookie and win game 1.

4 days off took Montreal out of that zone that they hadn't lived a minute without over a month's time, until they dispatched the Pens in Game 7. The team finally had a breather and it probably did them in. No groove, totally out of sync, going through the motions with the indifference shown in an exhibition game. Had Philly not scored early, one would think Montreal would have slowly gotten into a rhythm. No chance, the Habs were so soft in all aspects of the game that they made life easy for the home boys.

Anything to worry about? Sure if you consider that coming home 2-0 again puts the Habs in that insufferable must win scenario because anything but a sweep at home sends them back to Philly down 3-1. Game 2 is a must. The Habs were killed in parts of Game 2 against the Caps, in Game 3 at home, and in Game 1 in Pittsburgh. It's far from over despite the killer score. It was only Game 1, the best game to tank. It wasn't 2 or 3. Chillax kids, and shelf the bubbly Philly fans, you're not in bed with the Finals yet. And give me back my license plate.

The Movie

Seriously. How many times is Denzel Washington going to play the negotiator in a hostage suspense flic? I saw this movie 20 times before, I saw it in the Denzel Washington is a type cast hostage negotiator in Manhattan documentary on the Denzel type cast channel.

Ouf! How old was this recycled script? Good guy Negotiator who takes a bribe to feed his kids is black listed at work only to save the day with his people skills and superior intellect that only lands him a job as a subway conductor, but at least his wife loves him and can't wait for him to come home? C'mon guys, even Shrek 27 would be more innovative. At least they'd make the Donkey learn Swahili or something.

Travolta as the Bin Laden 9-11 let's make the markets tank and take a subway cart hostage so I can make a bundle of the selling ploy resulting from the instability my actions have caused? Are you shitting me? A subway hostage taking is going to make the price of gold shoot up and cause a huge incline on Wall Street. What's next? Honey we're out of garlic! Holy fuck look at what that's done to the price of copper. Fuck you to the directors, writer and actors of this shithole of a story and please mail me a refund as well as the 2 hours I'm afraid I'll never get back, The best thing about this asshole movie is that by the looks of the title, they rolled the original and both sequels all into one.

Two for One Game Review Movie Review - This Kovy is a Genius Too, Wall to Wall-e: Atl 4 - Habs 3 (O.T.)

OK, last time I tried this, my post was devoured by the ogre that is known as the worst Internet connection of all time, courtesy of Second Cup No Internet.

Review:

Very able effort by both teams to get a good game of hockey going in the middle of Georgia.

To me that's like getting:

• good cricket in Nunavut
• awesome synchronized swimming in the Serengeti
• great figure skating in Mumbai
• under 10% unemployment in Quebec. Ohhhhhh!!!!!!

The Thrashers showed why they've been holding on to a playoff spot this season and the real Kovy showed how tremendously good a Kovy can be. Does anybody beat a guy on the outside the way this Kovy does? Does anybody combine the amazing reach, heavy wrister, incredible acceleration, all-world hands that this Kovy can throw at you? He was my choice for best player in the NHL until Kovy sans K showed up and showed us how to redesign the way the game is played.

Two saves that make the best of the season list, as far as this game goes for Carey. There was a time when 4 goals against spelled another night of heads hanging low and what ifs for TMS, but this was as good a loss as they get for a goaltender. He's totally finding his game again and this is what the team will need to make the top 8 by year's end.

Good point on the road, but not if it comes after relinquishing a 2-0 lead. The Habs stopped skating midway through the game and the Trasher work ethic took the momentum away from Montreal.

Full points to Big Tits for showing this Kovy that the two play a similar game when both in their respective groove. Goaltending and secondary scoring, Markov and Gionta, and things could start getting interesting.

The movie review: Wall-e

It's amazing how this movie can claim the rights to being one of the best animated features of all time.

It's amazing because this is the movie's script:

......

.....

......

30 minutes in.....

Wall-e: Aghhhhhh!!!!!!

......

.......

.......

Wall-e: Ooooh!!!!!

Eve: Directive

Wall-e: Wall-e

Eve: Eve

Wall-e: Eva

Eve: Eeeeve

Wall-e: EEEvva

Eve: EEEEEVE!

Wall-e: EEVAAAA!

.....

......

......

One hour later....

.....

Wall-e: Eeeeeevaaa!!!!

Eve: Walleeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Wall-e: EEVEEEEEEEEVAAAAA!

Eve: Wall-eeeeeeeeeeee

The end.

Gone Baby Gone - Two For One Game and Movie Review: Habs 5 - Sens 3

The Game:

This is horrible news. Our beloved Canadiens are missing. The team that doesn't play defense, can't score, can't hit the net, won't hit a human being, likes to take a hit of crack was NOWHERE to be seen yesterday afternoon.

It seems that the operation began as early as 12 pm when masked men started making their entrance in luxury cars at the Bell Centre parking lot. The masks worn were inspired by the Mission Impossible series, and appeared as exact representations of the players' faces. The shrewd tactics eluded building security and the 22 men were allowed to trickle into the Canadiens' dressing room unsuspectingly.

Meanwhile, in a St-Henri warehouse nearby, the real Canadiens laid in a dark room, tied up, and helpless, grimacing in fury despite the handkerchiefs stuffed in their mouths to muffle the screaming. Only Andrei Kostitsyn was able to let out a few words from the side of his congested mouth: "It's 2 o'clock and I'm going to miss my happy finish on Parc Avenue!"

Coach Guy Carbonneau entered the dressing room to find the men half dressed and quiet. He delivered a 4-minute sermon reminding the team of what they had learned in practice the day before. The men shrugged their shoulders in confusion. "What was the lesson we learned yesterday?", Carbonneau insisted. After a tense silence that needed to be broken, the man who looked exactly like Francis Bouillon said "Team, it's all about the team". Carbonneau accepted the answer reluctantly.

The players made it on the ice to start the game and things went remarkably well. The man who looked EXACTLY like Kovalev made a perfect pass to the PERFECT imitation of Tomas Plekanec. On the bench after the goal, the Kovalev imposter frantically pointed towards the guy with the Plekanec mask "You're mustache!!! It's falling off! Fix it! Fix it before they see it!".

Then the Kovalev imposter jumped back on the ice and stopped a Senator from leaving the zone, hopped on the puck and wristed it past Ottawa's goalie. "This is strange", he said, laying on his back, the puck sitting behind his goal line.

The fake Canadiens jumped to a 4-0 lead and everything was going according to plan. At the warehouse, Pasquale Mangiola was montioring his squad's progress on the various screens he had set up in his headquarters. "Perfect", he relished. "This is perfect". His right hand man. Vinny de la Vinny looked at him in awe: "Boss, I can't believe those Tits brother's gave you all this info without asking questions! Players addresses, DNA samples, doubles of their house and car keys! I mean you got EVERYTHING! Now we can just let the boys do this job and we'll make millions off the bets! Boss! You're a fuh-king genius! It's a beautiful thing!" Pasquale looked at Vinny de la Vinny confidently: "On Tuesday, Vinny, we win 8-3, we put Vitto, I mean Carey, back in nets. Vegas won't know what hit'em, badabing, badaboom!"

The team was locked-up for the entire afternoon. Andrei realized what he had done and was horrified. How long would they hold them in here. How long till the next happy finish. What about Sergei? Would Sergei catch on to this plot? Would he save us?

The impostor team played a strong game, but still did not want to leave all traces of normalcy behind. For these reasons, they still allowed nearly 50 shots on impostor Halak, and looked very much like the real Canadiens in doing so.

This team of impostors we saw last night may turn out to be made of the stuff fans have been longing for. We may never want to real team to be rescued. The entire team has been kidnapped and nobody knows. To find them, AXE marks the spot. In the meantime, the real Habs are Gone Baby Gone

The movie: Gone Baby Gone

Morgan Freeman, sit your pansy, sagging narrating ass down for TWO minutes and tell me what the hell you were thinking when you kidnapped that girl!!!! Fool, are you trippin?!!!!

Ben Affleck, all is forgiven, even Jersey Girl. No, not Jersey Girl, that's unforgivable. But Daredevil is forgiven and forgotten. That was some smooth directing son. Glad you were original enough to remake Mystic River, the movie that was released two years before, we really needed a fresh, new, modern perspective of that film.

Casey, if it looks like an Affleck, talks like an Affleck, quacks like an Affleck, has a last name that is Affleck, then we know it's an Affleck. Good performance playing Mark Wahlberg.

Ed Harris, you slip into the villain's shoes so easily and we love you. You can be an astronaut, a dying poet, or a badass corrupt cop, it's all good baby. You can play nude Macbeth and we're in for the treat. You can play Norbit's twin, it's fine by me.

Strong movie. Weird breakup at the end, which was very Affleck like. This was probably Ben's secret wish to have J-Lo abducted and killed. Good luck, Benny. As MJ once said, Heal the World, Make it a Better Place.

E.T.: Extra Time - TWO FOR ONE MOVIE AND GAME REVIEW by Jaroslav Halak

The game

Thees jast great game for me but teem pley like crep. But all hole game I look at Otawa and they make me sad in my heart. Like if my heart have litel eyes and litel heart teers come out of eyes in my heart and I cry inside. Otawa you so diferent now! Before, last yeer, I go to Otawa and have very soft poo in my ass becase so nervous otawa so good! Otawa you before like King Kong of hackey and stupide teem like Mentreal like Empire Building and you climb all on us teem I cry on bus every time to Otawa becase I know Otawa you Kong and me litel great Jaro like butterfly with eating deesorder.

But Otawa, you change! You no Kong! You like alien, like agly alien in the space outside from the planet of erth! Hahahahahaha! Otawa so like alien.

You have Elliott in teem! And he like bicicle. And he so young and stupide. And you have big guy with long neck! He always say to pleyer on his line "Heatley phone home". And everybady on teem eat peeces of reeses! Otawa like alien teem! From the space!

Mentreal so bad teem to pley I had big dreeem. I lose tooth in last game and make pray to be trade to fentestic teem Toumpa for Mentreal receeve agly Vinnie. When i wake up in room I feel all disgasting saliva on my face like 20 guys kiss me on mouth! Gross! (I wake up with my penis that go down to my pads again - it heppens every time!) But no trade for now and I still share jab with clown Cari who alweys say "Hey Jaro, I feel good, I pley tomorro!" And I laf becase Cari so clown! This is my teem now Cari and I hate Mentreal becase its asshole teem but its my asshole!

....

Otawa you pley like lost alien that crash to Otawa. You have so bad lack Otawa! You crash in city so boring and sleep city! You have big space wessel and you crash in Otawa and make so mistake! If you crash a bit more away you crash in Hemilton most great city and beeautiful in world! Home!!!

i make fentestic saves against alien Otawa even when Mentreal wining 4-2 in third periood and i hev to pley good to win for teeem. But Otawa make treeks to me and score 2 gols! Ha! So you score alien gols Otawa and you think you win game? I pley like genious in extratime and shootout and Otawa go back to the wessel.

The movie

E.T. My favorite movie with beautifoul Dru Barymorore. She look so old when she 4 I want to marry to her!

Eliott he so scare to see the ET he give him beeer to make him relax and dress sim in costume of girl so ET can be soft like woman. Eliott so smart in movie! He so brave to when he let all frogs go out of can! Eliottt you are Schindler of frogs!!!! This is other Speilberg movie soon.

But Eliott brather and Mom so scare of ET becase he have so bad breath and Eliott mom tell Eliott to brash teeth every night. Also he want to phone home all time and Eliott Mom say, "look ET this is 1982, we no have cell phone! so you cant just call home!" Poor ET! He not know what to do!

So Eliott say 'hey! lets fly bicycle across moon to make poster for movie!" And ET jump up and down and so happy! Then CIA come and want take ET to make ET soup but Eliott protect ET and take him to forrest to go back home becase alien friend is a bit boring all the time. ET show Eliottt treeek with finger that glow and Eliiot think "this is so good idea! i can invent pen that have red light that go out of it and point at people in movie and at women boob in bar and have lats of sex!". Then ET go home and everybady cry in movie.

Wow, so good movie.

QUANTUM OF SOULLESS: Habs 3 - Blues 2 (so-so) - Our Inaugural 2 in 1 Game and Movie Review

This is a new feature here on FHF, where we combine a commentary about the previous night’s game along with a review of a movie we have recently seen. Fresh on today’s menu: The Habs’ win over the St-Louis Blues and the new 007 flick, Quantum of Solace.

The Game: Soulless

How unbelievably kick-a-frying-pan-into-my-forehead boring. I’ve been more captivated by dust particles reflecting off light bulbs on my night table.

It starts with Andy McDonalds breaking his leg. I’m loving it. That takes care of the Blues’ number one centre.

Now if we could just find a way to infect Keith Tckachuk with tckolitis, or give him tckataract, or have him come down with tcklamydia.

Coach Carbs decided to energize his dormant lineup and threw out a first line comprised of Koivu, Tanguay and Kovalev, probably to jumpstart Kovy who’s been feeling the effects of that second hand smoke blown by Tomas Plekanecamsonov this season.

Laraque and Lapierre were both Labenched. Too bad. Until Laraque decides to quit the Nivea Defence face washing every opponent that freaking STEAMROLLS OVER EVERY ONE OF OUR PLAYERS WITH A CIMENT TRUCK, he can sit lefack down. Hey, Lapin Lapierre, the Man upstairs decided to grow two healthy, perfectly functional legs on each side of your genitals. HOW ABOUT USING THEM TO PLAY HOCKEY!!!?

La shit, la merde. Futck.

Habs play 3 full periods of some of the most incohesive, the autistic passes the puck to the dyslexic, brand of hockey seen on RDS since, hum, … saturday night.

Even the “highlight goal” scored by Big Tits felt like a sham. Did Blues goalie
Manny Legace look like an octopus masturbating or what? AK’s power skate through the time zones of the earth was a sight to behold; but the finish was served on the finest sterling silver one can find.

The team came back from 1-0 and 2-1 deficits, and looked plenty bad doing it. Kovy sealed the deal in a shootout, none for the ages, with a signature move that often culminates in a shot gone high or a post hit hard. This time, the move was calibrated to perfection.

Carey Price looked alright, with the Blues controlling play for the better part of the game. He looked alright, in the bland way, not the cool, Bob Marley sounding way.

Nevertheless, and let this stand as the true Manny Legace of the night: it was a tckrappy game and it was soulless.

I repeat: the game had no soul.

The movie: Quantum of Solace

What the Aston Martin fuck were they thinking when they made this complete waste of my time?!

Daniel Craig may have had 6 lines in the whole movie, tops. Action scenes that so tested my ADD, leaving me asking, how did this start?, what’s happening now? What’s with the title?

I felt immediate comfort in turning to Mrs. HF4 who asks me with this blunt look on her face “are you totally lost too?”. Yup, babe. Lost, bored, should have stayed home and vacuumed the place.

If Casino Royal was to Bond fans what the first 10 games of the season were to Habs’ fans, then this aneurysm of a movie was as painful as the team’s slide of late. As soon as the movie ended, I turned to everyone I was with and just said, “Quantum of so-so”.

No beginning, get over your girlfriend drowning in the elevator it happens to all of us, thank the good Lord for Judy Dench, a plot as loose as the connections in Darcy Tucker’s brain shitty brand of suck movie. No blood crying, metallic asthma inhaler puffing villains to drool over. A Bond girl on a revenge mission that was so damn obvious that they just should have called her Cliché, or Die Right Now in this Next Scene Bond girl.

This movie, it too, had no soul, making it soulless.