Quest for the Grail Continues: Habs 4, Panthers 0

Florida Panther Knight (FPK): None shall pass.

King Carey Price (TFS): What?

FPK: None shall pass!

TFS: I have no quarrel with you, good Florida Panther Knight. But I must cross this bridge and lead the Canadiens to the playoffs.

FPK: Then you shall die.

TFS: I command you, as Saviour of the Greatest Franchise in NHL History, to stand aside!

FPK: I move for no man.

TFS: So be it!

[Hal Gill goal.]

TFS: Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!

FPK: 'Tis but a scratch!

TFS: A scratch? Your arm's off! You've traded your top two defencemen!

FPK: No, I haven't! It was only Bryan McCabe and Dennis Wideman!

TFS: Well, what's that then? Bryan Allen?

FPK: I've had worse.

TFS: You liar!

FPK: Come on, you pansy!

[Andrei Kostitsyn absolutely blows one past Tomas Vokoun.]

TFS: Victory is mine!

[celebrates goal - cut off by FPK kicking him and attempting to crash crease]

FPK: Come on, then.

TFS: What?

FPK: Have at you!

TFS: You are indeed brave, Sir Florida Panther Knight, but the fight is mine!

FPK: Oh, had enough, eh?

TFS: Look, you stupid bastard. You've already pulled Tomas Vokoun and put in Scott Clemmensen! You've got no arms or offensive talent left after the trading deadline!  No one on that bench is scoring tonight!

FPK: Yes I have. We didn't trade Stephen Weiss.

TFS: Look!! Half the crowd are wearing Canadiens jerseys!!

FPK: It's just a flesh wound. [Panthers muster some offence.]

TFS: Look, stop that.

FPK: Chicken! Chicken!

TFS: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!

[David Desharnais scores Montreal's third.]

FPK: Right, I'll do you for that!

TFS: You'll what?

FPK: Come here!

TFS: What are you gonna do, bleed on me? Trade us Steve Bernier? Shoot from the red line?

FPK: I'm invincible!

TFS: You're a loony.

FPK: The Florida Panther Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.

[Lars Eller with a beautiful tip to make it 4-0.]

FPK: All right; we'll call it a draw.

[Pacioretty and Kostitsyn ring shots off the post.]

TFS: To Tampa, to seek the Grail!

FPK: Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

[Price stops a final flurry and earns his 7th shutout of the year.]

TFS: Triple low fives all around, Sir PK!

The Totally Shocking NHL All-Star Fantasy Draft Goes Live! - All-Star Weekend Preview and Game Open Thread

[AP] Raleigh, NC - In a stunning turn of events, NHL All-Stars unanimously voted to change the 2011 All-Star game captains last night. NHL All-Star representatives have revealed the results of the new vote: Nik Lidstrom and Eric Staal are out, and Montreal Canadiens stars Andrei Kostitsyn and Carey Price are in. We now go live to TSN with James Duthie, Bob McKenzie and Pierre McGuire as they provide live analysis of the picks for Team Kostitsyn and Team Price.

James Duthie: Here we are live from the NHL Fantasy All-Star draft on TSN. A surprising day when NHLPA reps said they would go on strike if mega-talented Andrei Kostitsyn wasn't added to the All-Star game and made captain, opposite his superstar goalie teammate Carey Price. Kostitsyn has won the toss, so he gets to pick first. Andrei, you're on the clock.

Andrei: I pick for All Starring game Sergei. My brother all-star yes?

Duthie: Um ... no. Ruling?

NHL Reps: Fuck it. Sergei's in.

McGuire: That's a huge pick by Andrei Kostitsyn! The Tits brothers ride again! Monster! Double Dion!!!

Duthie: Carey Price, you're on the clock.

Price: This game's in Carolina, right? Gotta pick a man who knows where the good shit goes down. Eric Staal. I remember that bachelor party him and his bros had. Hell, gimme Marc and Jordan Staal too man. Let's fuck shit up!

McKenzie: Looks like Team Price is building strength down the middle and on the backline. Great picks.

Andrei Kostitsyn: I am picking Pasquale Mangiola for being All-Star friend.

Duthie: Off the board choice there for Team Kostitsyn!

NHL Rep: Oh, for fucksakes ...

Price: Awesome! Dude, I got Patrick Kane. That guy can party like nobody's business, amIrite?

McGuire: Patrick Kane's a party ANIMAL!!! Team Price is getting loaded! Dion!!! MONSTER!

McKenzie: Christ, McGuire, will you zip it?

Andrei: Is my turn? Tomas Plekanec.

NHL Rep: But he's not ... he isn't even in ... this fucking moron hasn't picked anyone in ... I quit. No, I'm out. Fuck it.

McKenzie: Great two-way player, Tomas Plekanec, but technically not on the All-Star roster. Interesting move for Team Kostitsyn.

Price: Hey man, have the Sedins and Kesler flown in from Vancouver yet? They're supposed to be bringing me a "care package" from home, you know? West Coast baby! [Agent whispers into Price's ear] Didn't get through customs? Five to ten years? Shiiiiiiittt. Alright, I pick that stripper from Supersexe. You know the one. Gotta give Kaner and the Staal boys some motivation, eh?

McGuire: That's a SEXY PICK FROM CAREY PRICE! CAREY PRICE!! CAAAREEEEEE PRIIIIICE!!!!

Duthie: Andrei?

Andrei: Carey Price.

McKenzie: Wait. What? Can he ... holy shit, there's nothing in the rules says he can't do that.

Price: Mindblow. Andrei, you just blew my fuckin' mind dude! I'm taking Ovie. Ovie's the man.

Andrei:  Ovie is good pick. I will take Ovie too.

Duthie: Fuck me, you're stupid. HE JUST FUCKING PICKED ... Seriously, I'm gonna beat your ass Kostitsyn.

Price: Hey, is my cousin here? Lord knows nobody else on the Coyotes would be. My mom says I better take him or my Aunt Milly will never let her hear the end of it.

Duthie: Shane Doan adds some punch to Team Price.

Andrei: My cousin Vadim Sushko is playing for Shakhtar Soligorsk. He also all-star for me.

McKenzie: I'm done. [Walks off set].

McGuire: Just took Bobby McKenzie's coffee! AWESOME BY ME!! PHANEUFOSITY!!!

Price: Kaner says Toews is a funny dude stoned. Plus him and me kicked it old school in that shootout in Grand Forks, dude. Man, I was sooooo high for that game.

Duthie: Okay, let's move this along. Andrei. Lord help us.

Andrei: Malkin.

Duthie: FUCKING HELL, ANDREI! Hey, that pick makes sense. Wait - no, no it doesn't. Malkin's hurt. Fuck my life.

Price: Hey, Jeff Skinner still on the board? Need a back up to show me around Raleigh if the Staaler gets arrested.

Andrei: Tim Thomas.

Duthie: Huh? [leans over to McGuire] I think that dunce might actually have a clue.

McGuire: TOTALLY!!!!! HE'S A DOUBLE DION PICKER!!!!!

Duthie: Shut it.

Price: Carey ... Corey. Carey ... Corey. Hey man, did anyone else notice that Corey Perry's name and my name are really close? It's like one letter off. Nice. He can be on my team.

Duthie: Alright dumbass, who do you like?

Andrei: I like Double Cheeseburger.

Duthie: No, for your pick, Andrei. You pick?

Andrei: I pick Double Cheeseburger.

McGuire: DOUBLE CHEEEESE!!!!! BAMMO!!!! BLEAAARRRGHHH!!!!! [Head explodes].

Price: Hey, who do you think would pull more chicks, Shea Weber or Steve Stamkos?

Duthie: Take them both so we can get the fuck out of here.

Price: Duthie, dude! Done.

Duthie: Andrei?

Andrei: Phil Kessel.

Duthie: That's the dumbest fucking pick yet. [Throws chair and storms off in disgust].

Andrei: So I is winner, yes?

Price: Dude, totally. Let's go get some fucking tacos.

Insert trite and tired "Price is Right" joke here

It's official, Habs have signed TFS to a 2-year deal. As per club policy, financial terms yada yada, but Team 990 is reporting $5.25 mill over 2 years.

Hurray I guess? This seems anti-climactic for some reason.

MEDIA-WHORING UPDATE! I just recorded an interview for CBC Homerun, which will be broadcast today "sometime between 3 and 6 PM". Oy. It was more about A Goat in Vermont than TFS though.

Is this the Master Plan? Carey-fication??

Hi, I'm Petey, this is my goalie Carey, and this is my other goalie Karri.

So now that's we've had a little time to consider this Karri Ramo for Cedrick Desjardins deal, we've come up with two explanations.

Explanation Number One (which makes at least some hockey sense): The Goat intends for Karri to join Carey as his backup next season. More than that, based on the fact that the 25-year old Ramo already has two 20-plus NHL seasons, and last season had a pretty good year as full-time starter in the KHL, he'll challenge for the starter's role. If Carey The First falters this year as full-time, undisputed starter, the Goat has a 'backup plan' (heh, pun) in Karri The Second next year.

And let's not get too wrapped up with Cedrick the Puck-Stopper being the next coming of Georges Vezina. He was undrafted, and was the 17th ranked Habs prospect at Hockey' Future. His NHL upside was likely only to be a backup. I like the kid, he obviously knows how to win, but at 24 he hasn't played an NHL game. I'll wait a season and take the KHL starter, thank you.

Explanation Number Two (which admittedly is less likely, but would enshrine Geoff Molson into the Crazy/Rogue Owner Club with Harold Ballard, Jerry Jones and Mark Cuban. Hey, the Habs didn't win any Cups under the caretaker Uncle George, why hope for a different result with the same approach?): Geoff Molson and Pierre Gauthier have a plan, including several more planned acquisitions.

Not just a plan, but a Master Plan. A great vision for the franchise, which they have dubbed "Carey-fication."

Acquiring Karri to back up/challenge Carey as soon as next year was only Step 1.

Step 2: Anoint new goaltending coach.

Next, the Master Plan calls for hiring former NHL goaltender Kari Takko as a special goaltending consultant. With the acquisition of a young Finnish goaltender, it was important to introduce someone with similar experiences: like being a marginal NHL talent who runs back to Europe when the going gets rough.

Step 3: Acquire new National Anthem Singer (and husband).

Hey, Mike Fisher can play on my team any day. Has some size, decent hands, and a good work ethic. Problem is, The Goat will probably give up PK to get him. All to Carey-fy the pre-game rituals by adding Mrs. Carrie Fisher. She may be NHL WAG #1, a good singer (if you call country 'music'), and obviously she was properly named. But I still prefer the original.

Step 4: Hire New flexibility coach.

Remember all those injuries last season? Forget strength and conditioning, it's all due to lack of proper stretching. Duh - even the Vikings knew the importance of stretching before a battle. So why not hire a former Olympic gold medalist who's all about the bendy? Plus, Keri Strug didn't turn out half bad. (And, I hear she's a gymnast in bed.)

Finally, Step 5: Add New Assistant to the GM.

Hi there, Carrie Prejean and Trump's boobs. Why? Because The Goat needs someone to make him look smart.

You know you're despereate for puck when you're googling "Carrie Prejean". Fucking sign someone already, Goat. We're bored.

Independamn-what-the-hell-was-that? Day - Habs 3 Caps 2

Holy motherfucking crap how in the blue hell did that happen? Did aliens kidnap the crap team we've been watching and replace them with the nation's capital destroying monsters we saw tonight? That might be the only explanation. (Note to self: stop writing reviews after putting down a buncha beers, especially if the Cardiac Canadiens are gonna spend half the game playing Stalingrad to Washington's Germans but still win. This might be the first ever all superlatives review, people. McSplooge might have nothing on me. Fair warning.)

Plan the Parade: You're goddamn right I'm planning the parade! I'm delusional! I'm crazy with Canadiens fever! Pleks! Price! Hamr and Jaro 2.0! Squid! Coaches! THIS FUCKING TEAM IS PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER AND IT'S STANLEY CUP TIME BABY!!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Seriously, though: Pleks played another excellent game at both ends of the rink, and his linemates Big Tits and Max Pack actually gave him some support. It's early doors on this line, but please oh please let these two be the answers for Plek's cries for help. McSplooge McSplooged all over Hamr and Jaro 2.0, but they kept Ovie and Backstrom relatively quiet all night. Price didn't make any "holy shit" saves, but he was solid and calm and there when he was needed. Oh please oh please keep this going. Travis Moen provided some quality diggin and muckin for Squid and Gomez and potted a goal. Pyatt and White are constantly working hard. And here's a special mention for Mr. Jacques Martin: Hey, do you think Carbo would have had a game plan like that ready for Ovie and the Caps, or would that sucker have ended 9-3 with Ovie getting 5? Martin came into this going with Hamr and Jaro 2.0 against Ovie, shifted lines like a maniac to keep that match-up on the road, and did some clever juggling after something happened to Gomez early in the third. (Here's hoping Martin just told him to take off his fucking jersey, drive back to Montreal and apologize to the Molson's for stealing their money.) Oops. There goes the feel-good portion of our show. On to the angry-I'm-never-truly-happy-plus-I've-been-drinking rant!

The Sky is Falling: Jesus Fucking Christ on a bike Scott Gomez is fucking terrible right now. Anyone who had 22 games in the "That Lazy Overpaid Fucker Gomez is Gonna Drive HF10 Over the Fucking Edge" is the big winner. At one point I made a mental note to compare Gomez to 2007 Kovy, who essentially kneecapped Pleks and Big Tits for the entire year. Gomez was killing Squid and Moen tonight until he mysteriously and fortuitously left the game. I dub him The Albatross, for his contract and the fact that he will haunt Gainey until a) Gainey gets fired; b) Gainey can get rid of him or c) That ridiculous contract runs out sometime next decade.

Jacques Martin nailed Latendresse's ass to the bench at some point. I didn't notice for 15 minutes because Gui! was invisible when he was on the ice anyway. He has had enough goddamn chances and now it's time for an extended trip to the pressbox, aka Chips House (sorry Panger.) Finalement.

Max Pack looked good at points, but please tell me he hasn't inherited the Michael Ryder snakebitten stick of death. He'll need to start potting goals to make Pleks-Patches-Tits a viable second scoring option.

Urologist. Ah, fuck me. Panger, where the hell is your trunk!?!?!

There were points where you could see the Caps smelling blood in the water and it was white knuckle time. At one point I squinted at the tv and pretended it was 1977, the guys in red with the best/most exciting player in the league, the best offensive defenceman going and the goalie getting bored from lack of work was the Habs and it was the hometown white-clad Caps getting shelled. Ugly. But whatever, it worked.

Chez Paree Bound: Pleks gets his regular table. Price gets his regular bed in the champagne room. Squid gets behind the velvet ropes (excellent signing so far, it must be said.) Hamr and Jaro 2.0 get to be two wild and crazy guys in the booths. Martin and the coaches also get some special attention for their Operation OvieStop. Moen, Metro, Max Pack, even Big Tits can have some drinks in perverts row. Basically the Urologist and Gomez get stopped at the door. Hell, I don't even have too many bad things to say about BGL.

Next terrifying, offensive juggernaut in red opponent: Detroit. Saturday night. Summabitch.

Alright alright alright: Atlanta 5 - Habs 4

Let me tell you what Melba Toast is packin' right here, all right. We got 4:11 Positrac outback, 750 double pumper, Edelbrock intake, bored over 30, 11 to 1 pop-up pistons, turbo-jet 390 horsepower. We're talkin' some fuckin' muscle ... huh? The game? Alright alright alright, so there was this game last night. It's all fuckin' games, man. All fuckin' games. Like this thing between me and the Jaroman, alright? Like I'm no fat whale, man, just like he's no Dodge Charger drivin', beer swillin', rodeo bustin', Garth Brooks lover like me and Gorges, you know? Man, I love Gorges. I love me them redheads more, but Gorges is cool. He can always get a joint when you need one. Say, man, you got a joint? It'd be a lot cooler if you did. Alright alright alright.

Anyway, Pleks, man, he's just doin' what Pleks wants to do man. He and the GIant Mexican Squid? They just keep livin', man. L-I-V-I-N. Nothin' the coach or Rich Peverley or that Russian dude in the other nets could do about that man. Those dudes are alright.Hey, man, did you see that girl behind the net with the really tight Price jersey on? Man, I totally missed that third goal because of that chick, man. Playin' in Montreal is awesome man, with all these friendly young CEGEP girls. That's what I love about these CEGEP girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age. Last year, when me and Higgins and the Tits brothers would fire up a joint and ... what? Game review? Alright alright alright my man. Man, you got more rules than Coach and Gainey. The older I get, the more rules they try to get me to follow. Stop smokin' joints before games. Stop sleepin' with CEGEP girls. Stop the puck. Man, I'm just tryin' to be Carey Price, you know?

Anyway, man, it's alright we lost, you know? 'Cause we're just out there to dog some chicks and smoke some joints, and drink some beer you know? Everyone's all "man, you're so laid-back Price, show some fire" you know? And I'm all "listen man, if Jaro wants to play, let the little dude play, you know?" But that's all right, we'll worry about that later. We need someone to be worryin' about that defence, my man. No Markov, no Rhino ... man, you remember when Rhino scored on his own net? Crazy, man. Coach Carbo was all "man, that ain't right" but you know what? In the end, all it did was cost us a game, man. Just a fuckin' game. Rhino, he's just gonna be the man who keeps on keepin' on, you know?

Game review? Man, you gotta slow down a little about this game review shit, man. It's gettin' tiresome. Alright alright alright where were we? No Markov, no Rhino, no Hal Gill, Carle and Bergeron givin' the puck up like a CEGEP girl on Crescent Street, you know? Listen man, you got a joint? It'd be a lot cooler if you did. I already asked you that? Alright alright alright.

So that game, man, it was some sort of game, you know? Like I saw at least three new Molson Zone girls, man, and they were alright alright alright. I love those Molson Zone girls, man. Anyway, we lost, man and let me tell you this, the older you get the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow so whatever, man. We'll be better with everyone healthy and doin' their thing, man. I think we're playin' the Bruins next, man. That Lucic dude he's from BC too, alright alright alright. I bet he has a joint.

Aerosmith, 2 weeks. Don't forget.

Look Ma, No Suspensions! Not-the-Flyers 4, Sens 0

Plan the parade: Hey, remember when we all thought Higgins was gonna be a 40 goal, 40 assist, Cup-hoisting Captain for life? Oh, it's back on, baby! Hey, remember when TFS was TFS, and shutouts, Vezinas and Cups were going to rain like ... um, rain? Plan the parade! Remember when we feared the Sens juggernaut and the inevitable SLC smackdown? Nah, me neither. Remember when Gui! was the next John Leclair - except we weren't going to trade him just before he exploded as a first-line force of nature? Well, he snapped home a nice goal last night, so that's something. Remember when the Habs were a clean, hardworking skill team, not the bunch of cheap-shotting quitters who showed up in Toronto on Saturday? Let's hope Carbo made a tape of that speech.

The Sky is Falling: Forget Marian Gaborik or Ilya Kovalchuk or Mats Sundin and get a large, angry, top-four defenceman who will punch someone in the fucking mouth if they get to close to TFS, please. Saturday was an abomination, with Leafs running rampant through the crease and dressing room poison Grabs throwing a butt-end with no consequences. Last night wasn't as pitiful, but the Sens sure had a lot of time to shove their way into the blue paint. It's got to stop.

Know what else needs to stop? Big Tit's penchant for tripping/slewfooting guys on races for the puck. The one on Saturday against Leafs saviour Luke Schenn was bad enough, and he pulled the same thing last night. He's gonna kill someone. It's a dirty play and someone needs to tell him to knock it the fuck off and start scoring goals.

Somewhere, Jacques Parizeau weeps: The Flying Frenchmen sent out this power play unit: Two Belarussians, a Russian, and two Czechs. Later, on a four on three, it was a Finn, a Russian, a Czech and a Belarussian. Damn moneyed ethnics are ruining everything!

Chez Paree bound: Post a shutout? Get right in. Throw up a "who needs Gaborik?" first career hat-trick? Get right in. Put all the power of your 5 foot 2, 93 pound body into your fists to avenge a head shot on your teammate? Get right in. Spend an entire penalty kill buzzing the opposing net? Get right in. Play a full sixty minutes like you mean business? Get right in.

You know, I hate to say this sort of thing, but: Alex Auld played fantastic and deserved a better fate.

Of course, saying things like this might explain why he didn't have a better night: I heard the names Spezza, Heatley, Alfie, Fisher, and Neil last night. I may have heard "Winchester" once, and Foligno was mentioned when he fell down on the third goal. That's seven forwards. Most teams dress 12. It's not a good sign when almost half of your attackers are invisible. I think Spezza and Fisher each played 45 minutes last night.

Meanwhile, on the Ocho (er, TSN2): The Pens and Wings took Rememberance Day to a whole new level by remembering what the NHL was like in 1988-89. 7-6 in overtime after the Wings blew a 5-2 lead in the third. Yzerman to Gallant looked like the winner until Lemieux set up Robbie Brown for the tying goal, then won it in overtime himself. Yowza.

Next Evil, Evil, Blackhearted,(did I mention Evil?) we-need-to-crush-them foe?

Bruins. Thursday. Urge to kill ... rising! Milan Lucic is ON MY LIST.

Who's Worried?

Looks like no FHF wants to write a review of last night's 4-2 loss. My feeling is that we're all starting to secretly worry about TFS and we're scared to admit it. Totally outplayed by Marty Biron last night. Ick.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, March 12

Bullet points while you dream about where a rookie goalie can take a team ...

• Good triumphs over evil, fans of actual hockey rejoice as Habs take first place back from dull Devils;
• Leafs continue to drive their own fans crazy, storming back from 3-0 down to win but gifting Flyers a much-needed point;
• Andrew Cogliano makes history with third straight overtime goal as Oilers make late Leafs-esque charge out of the lottery.
• Has Heatley righted the Sens ship? We'll find out Thursday, I guess.

First place is nice, isn't it?

Breaking News from the WTF?!? Department

The Habs just announced that TFS(tm) and My Boy Chips have just been sent down to Hamilton, and Jaroslav Halak and Corey Locke have been recalled from the Steel City.

As HF29 pointed out in the pre-game thread, reports were that TFS(Tm) had the flu and Halak was taking his place on the bench tonight. However, this looks like a more semi-permanent move. Ostensibly it's because the Habs have few back-to-back games plus the All-Star breat in January, but it could also be motivated by TFS's less than stellar performance against Washington. Or, it could be a showcase for Halak in hopes of garnering some interest in a deadline deal.

As for Chips, who knows; although he hasn't had the impact of Little Tits, he's been a solid checking line center IMHO. While HF29 is a big Locke booster, we're reserving judgment on the unmotivated string bean midget with the slick passing skills. Wait, didn't a guy just like that sign for $5M a year... On the plus side, this has prompted HF10 to offer Higgins back as My Boy until Chips returns. HF10 thinks he jinxed My Boy Higgins (I think it had more to do with being put on Milk Carton's line), so now he's picking Breezer as his new Boy in order to prove/disprove the jinx. Maybe jinxing Breezer will make him play better...if so, you are brilliant man, HF10.

Although we're concerned about two of our favorite young players getting a bus ticket, for now FHF stands by our mantra: In Gainey We Trust.

Ow! My groin!

We reported in TMS this morning that Jaroslav Halak was recalled from Hamilton to back up Huet, because The Franchise Savior (TM) was sick. Now it looks like Halak may be doing alot more than just backing up.

As it turns out, the Christo-Wall pulled a groin (ouch!) during the game Saturday Night. May explain the 3rd period and shootout. He's listed as day-to-day. With Price having the flu, the door seems open for Halak to make his season debut tomorrow night against Detroit. Lots of luck, kid.

Second Verse, Same as the First: Price Punks Leafs a Second Time

Second verse, same as the first! Tucker is a punk, Stajan is a runt ...

Remember this? It's deja vu all over again as Carey Price guarantees Christobal Huet has seen his last start against the Leafs in a Montreal jersey.

Plan the parade - The Christo-Wall might become the first guy to start the All-Star Game while playing back-up for his actual team. The Franchise Saviour (TM) was the difference again, turning aside 43 shots and holding off 4 of 5 Leafs in the shootout. Jason Blake finished the night with 8 shots and a shootout miss, and will be seeing a ten foot tall Price in his sleep for weeks. I'm seriously running out of ways to say the Franchise Saviour (TM) is calm, cool, steady, unflappable, always in position, and brilliant. Canadiens 31 jerseys will be flying off the shelves for Christmas this year.

The "Number 1" power play looked like it at times, going 2 for 5 thanks to brilliant passes by Markov to Kovy and then Smolinski to Kovy. El Dandy showed some jump tonight, using his speed to create chances and frustrate the Toronto defence. He looks comfortable up front. Gui! Gui! Gui! added some muscle to line 4A and potted a goal to boot. After an awful first period the Habs righted the ship and played a desperate Leafs squad to at least a standstill for the next forty minutes and overtime. The penalty kill was solid. The Habs even won more faceoffs than they lost, a remarkable feat considering they were around 30% after one period. Two points in the bank is always welcome, especially against the Leafs.

Special mention to one Michael Ryder. The FHF slams Mr. Milk Carton as much as anyone, but despite all his struggles this year, the demotions to line 4C, the benchings late in games, the calls for him to hit the bricks or sit in the pressbox, Ryder has not quit once this year. He works his ass off every night and deserves credit for that at the very least.

The sky is falling - 46 shots given up to a horrible Leafs team ripe for a beating. A first period that could have been a disaster if not for the Franchise Saviour (TM) and the Leafs tendency to aim right for the big CH on his chest. Our "shutdown" defence pairing of Markov and Komisarek let Chad Kilger pull a Mario Lemieux move for the second Toronto goal. Once again, a team coached by defensive wizards Carbo, Jarvis and Muller couldn't hold the lead with less than a minute to go, with Captain Koivu not getting enough wood on a clearing attempt in the last 30 seconds. Someone needs to look at the conditioning of this team, because they always look more gassed at the end of games then their opponents. Two points is good. Crushing the Leafs and eating their souls would have been better. Giving them a point is a bitch.

The League offices are upstairs? We'll save a stamp sending the tape. - Someone needs to fire every damn official involved in this game. The refs were atrocious in this one, and both sides have legitimate beefs. The next time Hal Gill and Andy Woznewski finish a shift without high-sticking someone will be the first. Stajan set a pick on El Dandy that got the Dandy two minutes for a brand-new on the spot penalty called offensive interference. Koivu probably thought a steel chair was the next wrestling staple someone would try on him, they even fucked up an icing call that lead directly to a Habs penalty. I'm sure there is a Leafs blog somewhere right now rhyming off just as many bad calls the other way. That was a stunningly inept performance. The only guy who had a worse night was the bloody moron on the Zamboni.

Chez Parée bound? - Franchise Saviour (TM). Kovy for the two goals and the shootout beauty. Big Tits for the shootout winner. Ryder, because he works like hell and deserves it after all the bitching and moaning he's heard. Leaf haters everywhere, because JFJ survives another day (and Glen Healy thinks he saw JFJ making a trade late in the game ... 2008 first rounder going where?)

4 lap dances out of 10. - Honestly, this was an awful, awful game to watch. The Habs were listless in the first, and if you take out a four minute span in the second and the overtime, this game was dismal start to finish. The fans were lifeless, the refs were bad, and my hoped-for curbstomping of the Leafs never materialized. Now we get to hear a few days of "Price stole you another one ... you can't beat the Leafs without your goalie stealing it" crap from the mouthbreathers. Deep breaths, everybody. Remind them that Messrs. Belfour and Cujo stole games aplenty for the Leafs over the past decade and they didn't apologize for it once.

Next evil evil foe - Habs travel to Newark to meet the Devils. If you're planning on attending, bring your kevlar and leave your valuables at the hotel ... and don't look Lou Lamariello in the eyes; you'll end up trading your plane ticket home for a Bon Jovi tape and the rights to Alex Mogilny.

Plan the Parade: Price and Pleks Put the Hurt on Bears

Not the most scintillating performance, but any time the headlines read "Habs win, Bruins lose" it's a good day at FHF Headquarters.

Plan the parade - Bruins lose. Canadiens win. We can't stress enough how much we enjoy those words. Hate the Leafs all you want, but always reserve a special place in your soul for an uncompromising, blacker than the fires of hell hate of the Bruins, the boorish, black and gold lunchbucket yin to Montreal's glorious bleu blanc et rouge firewagon yang.

The newly constituted Danse a Dix line provides all the offence, Kovy getting credit for Plek's first and Pleks undressing Tim Thomas for the second after a splendid pass from Big Tits. Habs outshoot another opponent and spend the last five minutes not only protecting a lead but going for a third to kill the game off. Panger's boy Chips has so much of Carbo's confidence he's out there with less than 2 minutes to go suffocating the Bruin's last gasp. A potentially disasterous 5 on 3 Bruins powerplay late in the third is successfully killed off, with Carbo noting guys were jumping up on the bench wanting to kill them off. Plus, there's that fellow named Price.

Carey Price yet again plays with ice-water in his veins, mature beyond his years as he calmly swats away 29 shots and makes Pierre Maguire weep tears of joy. So far, so great, and we agree when Maguire says "I wouldn't want to be the Eastern Conference, facing this guy for the next ten years." In other news, Jaroslav Halak bookmarks U-Haul on his laptop. All in all, a solid if unspectacular road game ends with two more points in the bank against a divisional foe.

The Sky is Falling - Michael Ryder remains on the side of the milk carton. Thirty shots and only two goals, and a relatively silent night from Messrs Higgins and Koivu. Greek Lightning ends up on the first line late thanks to Ryder's ineptness. Love Greek Lightning, wish there was a better talent to fit on the top line until Ryder's head is out of his ass. Kovy shoved a puck that looked like it was going in over the line to steal Plek's goal. Nitpicking, I know. Frankie B got tangled with Aaron Ward and Ward hit the ice motionless; video was inconclusive but most agreed there was an elbow thrown. You don't like to see that, and Bouillon might get called on the carpet by the league for it.

Chez Paree Bound? - Price and the Danse a Dix line get VIP treatment, and the rest of the team is coming in too because the Habs won and the Bruins lost. After too many years in which the B's held sway, the Habs have taken 5 straight in this rivalry and order has been restored to the universe.

6 Lap Dances out of 10. - Always tempted to give a 10 for wins against teams I hate, but I'll refrain. This was a solid win with some nervy moments. Continued absence of anything from Ryder and the Ward elbow temper my enthusiasm a little.

Next Evil Evil Foe: The 2000-pound gorilla of the East, the Sens on Saturday afternoon in Kanata. Five for Smiting is already sharpening his number 2 pencil in anticipation.

On Stage for your Viewing Pleasure: The Saviour (TM)

Let the record show that on Wednesday, October 10, 2007 Carey Price made his first NHL start, his first win, and his first 1st Star selection, in a Habs uniform. He made his first save, and a tremendous one, at 0:53 of the first period, robbing Mark Recchi in close. Does this mean he is The Saviour, the Future Face of the Franchise, the Man-child who will lead the Habs back to their Glory days and bring the first Stanley Cup to Le Centre Bell? Yeah, we don’t know. But lets take a closer look at The Saviour’s (TM) first game.

Price is the prototypical goalie for the New NHL. He’s not a true butterfly goalie in the mould of Patrick Roy; he’s a “hybrid”, which basically means he’ll do whatever it takes to stop the puck. People who know way more about goaltenders than FHF talk about a goalie’s “tool box”, or the set of different save skills they use to keep the puck out of their net. Just like a great NHL goalie, a great Strip club needs a variety of young ladies who bring their own particular talents to the stage for your viewing pleasure. And of course, as with everything else, the best way for FHF to explain Price’s attributes is to use some kind of stripperiffic-like rating system, so here goes.

The first thing The Saviour has going for him is size. At 6’3” 212 he covers a lot of net right off the bat, something the Habs have not had in between the pipes for a while. A perfect example occurred in the second when a Penguins player took a shot from the high slot and Price went down in the butterfly and it just deflected off his shoulder and into the corner. If that was 5’11” (in Paris’ heels) Theo, he’s fishing that puck out of his net.

Stripper equivalent: obviously, breast size. Price would be the blond with the DD’s, and not the kind you have roll up when you’re done with them. No, these are sitting right her the chin (see the pic for the Pens preview).

Then there’s Price’s athleticism; while he made lots of technically sound saves, he also had to scramble for a few. All night long you could see how quickly he recovered when he went down.

Stripper equivalent: Working the pole. Oh yeah, don’t pretend you don’t know what we’re talking about. FHF has seen you working you way up to the stage when that petite raven-haired goddess comes on stage, the one who can do the upside down splits at the top of the pole. As Timmyyyy put it, yowza.

Then there are his reflexes. In the third, Christensen got off a shot through traffic that Price couldn’t have seen before it was two feet from him, and he threw up his blocker, knocked it out of the air and smother the rebound.

Stripper equivalent: The brunette who always looks half drunk, the one who does all her lap dances with a Vodka-Red Bull in one hand. Never spills a drop - not that we noticed, anyway.

Young and nubile (just ask LG77), Carey’s got the flexibility thing going. Again in the second there was a mix up behind the Habs net and Crosby almost managed to stuff it in. Give credit to Komisarek for helping his ‘keeper out, but The Saviour appeared to make his spine disappear as he twisted around to keep the puck from crossing the goal line.

Stripper equivalent: Remember that cute redhead with the B cup who put her ankles behind here ears? She says she’s 23 but she looks 18 (and that’s just because, well, even we have limits). Yeah, we remember her too…

Probably the most important skill for a goaltender in the New NHL is lateral movement, getting from, post-to-post as quickly as he can. Without this, NHL goalies don’t last long (ask Bill Ranford). The Saviour made about 5 saves over the course of the night coming across, one of the best off Old Man Roberts half way though the first.

Stripper equivalent: The 6’1” chick with the black hair who goes from the stage to the back, stage to the back. Just a blur in between and always a guy waiting when she gets off stage. She’s not only putting herself through college, but the club owner’s 17 kids with 8 different wives, too. When she leaves you move on to the next peelers arena that opened up down the street.

The flashiest move in goaltending is the glove save, and The Saviour pulled out a few (although admittedly Fleury had the glove save of the night). A couple of times, though, you could see Price just pick the puck out of the air like he used the Jedi Mind Trick to slow it down first.

Stripper equivalent: The hottest girl in the place, the one with perfect tits and the defined abs and legs who you (or anyone else) can't take their eyes off while she's gyrating on stage. The reason you keep going back ever night for more, you degenerate.

One of the perks of being a goalie is you get to have more individuality than your teammates, mostly reflected in your mask. Carey's new one (seen above) is the best Habs mask since Roy left, IMHO. If replicas go on sale, Panger will be the first in line for one.

Stripper equivalent: The tall lean one with the long blond hair who wears the great outfits - the ultra short jeans with pink fishnets peeking out, to go with the thigh high fuck-me boots. Just try to look away. Or not.

Another key element in today’s game is rebound control. In the third, with Malkin lurking on the doorstep, Whitney stepped into one from the point, and Carey when down butterfly style and squeezed that bullet for a face-off. Otherwise, 2-2 and it’s a different game.

Stripper equivalent: The smoking hot black girl who is constantly trolling around the room, looking for her next victim. No guy can say no to her, and none of her targets manage to get away before dropping next month’s car payment.

One thing that seemed to need work was communication. Although Bouillon said on RDS during the 1st intermission that this was fine, the mix up behind the net when Price left the puck behind the net and Koivu skated past it. Thankfully it didn’t result in a goal.

Stripper equivalent: The French girl who doesn’t speak English, dancing for the guys from Texas who don’t speak French. Somehow everyone seems to figure out what they should be doing, though, and everyone leaves happy.

Puck handling skills have been sorely lacking in Montreal since the halcyon days of Jeff Hackett. Theo was a disaster and Huet is not much better, although at least he seems to realize his limitations. Price, on the other hand, is fantastic. While a couple of his shots off the boards landed on opponents’ sticks, you could see the velocity on them. And at one point he has the puck behind the net with a Pen closing in, between him and a Habs defender (can’t recall who). Anyway, Price calmly flipped the puck over the Pens stick right on to the tape of his teammate. He’ll set up his share of goals with long bombs, and probably will score a goal to finish it off.

Stripper equivalent: We’ll leave this last one to your imagination. Let’s just say it doesn’t take place out in front of the club, and you usually have to pay extra. And it definitely has a happy ending.

1984 Draft Redux Tonight???

Jean-François pointed out in the comments to the Game Day Skate this morning that the (most likely) two biggest draft picks of 2005, Sid the Kid and Price, will face-off tonight. This to him was eerily reminiscent of the 1984 draft, where the biggest names ended up being Mario and St. Patrick. Then, out of nowhere, HF33 digs up the awesome historic photo above from 66 and 33's days in the Q and sends it to me.

Like, whoa, dude.

Carey and Chips to be Fed to Penguins

According to reports, Coach Carbo has announced that Franchise Saviour (TM) Carey Price and Franchise Captain in Waiting (TM) and Panger's Boy Kyle Chipchura will both make their NHL debuts on Wednesday in Pittsburgh against Crosby, Malkin, Staal, and the rest of Oilers 2.1 (TM). Apparently Chips will replace Pleks between Begin and El Dandy so Pleks can replace Grabs on the Dance à Dix Line.

I can already hear the gnashing of teeth from fickle fans, worried that Sid the Kid and the rest of his high-flying Penguins will bomb poor Price back to the Stone Age and destroy, in order:

1) His confidence.

2) The Habs season, after their uber-rookie gets whacked.

3) The franchise for the next ten years, as the Franchise Saviour (TM) is exposed as a paper lion. (Ignore the excellent goaltending depth in the system and the host of other prospects ... the sky is falling!)

Please. Sid the Kid is the best player in the league and the Pens are exciting to watch, but this isn't exactly like throwing Price into the Spectrum in 1974 with Kate Smith doing the anthem and the Flyers and their fans baying for blood. It's the PENGUINS, a team the Habs have owned forever, and they play in the IGLOO, which might as well be a library for all the menace it's denizens muster. What Carbo has done is what coaches have done forever; start the highly-touted rookie on the road against a tough opponent. If the rookie loses badly, play the "it's to be expected" card. If the rookie loses but plays brilliantly, the "future is bright" card comes out. If the rookie wins it's a total windfall. Couple that with the fact that Huet did not look great on Saturday and Grabovski has looked lost, and I don't have any problems. Price is a talented kid and he seems totally unflappable. He's a winner, he's ready, and he's not going to have Breezer in front of him.

Because, in other FANTASTIC NEWS, Breezer will be a healthy scratch in favour of Josh Gorges, although it could have been Josh Groban for all I care. (Cue Breezer apologists with "hey, he hasn't been that bad" defence in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... here's the thing: Breezer will always do something Breezer-like, and I hate having that sword of Damocles hanging over the team. My 70 year old Dad's heart doesn't need the abuse of watching games while wondering when the Breezer will hand it away. Breezer should have never come back, and needs to go. Now. I will beat this into the ground until someone gets him off the payroll for good.)

So, Price and Chips and Gorges take their bows, Breezer takes his hopefully-soon-to-be permanent seat in the press box, and Pleks takes a place between Kovy and Big Tits (I don't know what "Pleksing" is, but Kovy-Pleks-Tits still sounds dirty, so Dance à Dix Line stays). Works for me. Will it work for Les Canadiens? Let us know in the comments.

With My Head Up My Ass - An Autobiography

Introducing a new feature on the FHF, entitled The Life of HF33, With My Head Up My Ass.

Over the years, despite wonderful intentions, HF33 has made some foolish predictions he wish he could take back. This is all chronicled in the various chapters of his autobiography. You'll find heartwarming moments in this book's many chapters, such as Jordan, Shmordan: The Chicago Bulls' Next Bust, Crosby Show Cancelled After Pilot, and Muhammad Ali Punches Like a Girl. Here are the latest entries of this ever expanding volume.

Maxim Lapierre: This kid is not going back to Hamilton.

Right of reply: What! the kid's mug is on every poster in town including those Dove fat women billboards. Look at them! He's in a RDS commercial too! C'mon!

HF29 update - thought everyone should see the Lapierre billboard too, for the love of irony:

Jaroslav Halak: He will be our backup.

Right of reply: What! He was the reason we even had a pulse against the Leafs in the last game of the season. You figure the team would want him to build on that experience and give Price maximum minutes in Hamilton! He'll be back, you just watch.

Here it goes....

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima fucking culpa.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, October 2nd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of your team losing a one-game playoff in the 13th inning when the runner still hasn't touched the plate...

• All the talk is about Carey Price making the big club and Habs PR department poster boy Maxim Lapierre not making it. Lost in those discussions is the fact that Mikhael Grabovski is now your number 2 center. TMS is loving that Kovy-Grabs-Tits line, which we are dubbing The Contact Dance Line, because Kovy grabs tits. Heh.

FHF has a big two days planned before the fucking puck finally drops tomorrow night. We'll bring you Huet today and Kovy tomorrow in the big finale of the stripperriffic season preview. Then we'll have our money-back guarantee predictions headed into the first regular season open thread for your game comments. Real Habs hockey is upon us. Everyone take a moment to thank your respective deity or deities.

BREAKING NEWS - FHF Resists Urge to Make "Price is Right" Joke

Well the final cuts have been made - and Carey Price will back up the Christo-wall to start the season. Maxim Lapierre and Ryan O'Byrne get the shaft and are off to Hamilton with Halak. The Breezer plays on.

Welcome Home, Carey

The Carey Price era begins.

While the FHF did anticipate the great hope starting the season in Hamilton, it seems Gainey convinced Carbonneau that Price would be better off backing up Cristobal Huet. The Canadiens are trusting that whatever the capacity in which they choose to play him, his time is now.

In another surprising move, Max Lapierre is still a Bulldog. Coach Carbo is clearly telling the kid that while he performed well in a Habs uniform last year, he hasn't proven anything yet and cannot play as if a roster spot should be taken for granted. This is a punishment, a severe one at that, but he'll be back.