Habsbuzz Exclusive Malkin to Montreal? - Pittsburgh Game Preview and Open Thread

Habsbuzz has been hearing from sources all day today that "something big is going down in Montreal" tonight, where the Habs are hosting the Penguins at the Bell Centre at 7:30, on RDS, and TSN-Habs. Remember, Habsbuzz only reports the rumours it hears or makes up its own rumours to get site hits, so this one is definitely an E5 blockbuster. It's bigger than the 8-1 beating the Pens laid on the Lightning last night. Bigger than the great start from the Wizzinator. It's Richard Park big.

It's no secret that the Habs are struggling and they need a big centre, and as Habsbuzz knows, Malkin needs to be "the man" on his own team. Habsbuzz knows this because that one time Malkin scored a lot of points when Sidney Crosby was hurt and so therefore Habsbuzz's brilliant hockey mind deduced that Malkin wants out of Pittsburgh to be the man on his own team. But with Crosby entrenched at number 1 in Pittsburgh (and fresh off a 50 points in 25 games streak) and Jordan Staal back from injury, the Pens can move a centre for Crosby's wingers, even though Chris Kunitz had 3 goals last night and Crosby is tearing the league apart with Kunitz and Dupuis as his wingers. Listen, Habsbuzz doesn't claim its rumours make sense, or that we are even thinking before we write shit. We just make up ... er, report what our many, many, very highly respected and mysterious sources tell us. Lots of respected sources who speak to us unqualified, anonymous bloggers ALL THE TIME.

It won't be a trade of Carey Price for Marc-Andre Fleury, because new All-Star Fleury and the currently struggling Price (4.14 GAA and .833 SP in his last two) aren't being mentioned in the rumours my respected, well-connected sources are discussing. It also won't be injured Canadiens defenders Andrei Markov (out indefinitely) or Josh Gorges (sore knee) or crocked Pens Mike Comrie (hip surgery, out indefinitely), Eric Godard (day-to-day with broken nose) or Alex Grant (broken wrist, out indefinitely) because they are injured, as I know from my trusted, super-secret sources at TSN. Wait, I mean, my super-secret informants in various high-level positions all across hockey. Yeah, that's it.

The trade also won't include struggling rookie PK Subban or excellent power-play QB Kris Letang (36 points in 41 games) or ice cold Habs centres Tomas Plekanec (suddenly only on pace for 65 points after running over a point per game to start the year) or Scott Gomez. Habsbuzz's uber-super-secret but highly influential and never too busy to talk to us even though we are an anonymous hack making shit up on the interweb and they are highly-regarded, Stanley Cup winning GM's, presidents, scouts and other fans making shit up and (mostly) Darren Dreger and Bob McKenzie's tweets - wait, forget I said that - would only tell me the most outlandish - I mean, perfectly reasonable - trade rumours. Even though they aren't rumours but actual, honest-to-goodness made up facts. Um, unless they aren't true, then it's because something got messed up and the teams backed off. Totally. Habsbuzz has to report what Habsbuzz hears...That's Habsbuzz's job. Yours is to debate why such a thing would happen. Habsbuzz tries to not censor with Habsbuzz's own opinions.

Of course, Habsbuzz's opinion is (according to my highly imaginative, made-up super KGB level secret sources) that the Pens are ready to make a move that will bring Malkin to Montreal, if he isn't there already. Malkin to Montreal, along with Pascal Dupuis, with Mike Cammalleri, Andrei Kostitsyn and Yanick Weber going the other way. This is imminent and will be confirmed as soon as today, or later than that, or possibly there will be another big deal otherwise. Look for Langenbrunner to Toronto and Pavelski to Toronto and the Rangers to make a deal and Calgary to send Iginla off right away or sooner or later too because Habsbuzz's super-secret M15 Kremlin insiders Gary Bettman's secretary Brian Burke-cause he never shuts up- Reggie Houle's lovechild in the know sources said something might happen. E5 E5 E5.

Got an outlandish but in the realm of possibility by 0.0000000000001% rumour or trade happening?  Leave it in the comments. 

The Unforgiven: Nashville Game Preview and Open Thread

 Unforgiven: The Return of Sergei

Tonight on RDS and the mystery TSN secondary feed, noted troublemaker Sergei "Little Tits" Kostitsyn returns to the scene of his (alleged) crimes against team unity to face stone-cold killer Carey Price and a showdown with his long-lost-in-a-fog-but-better-now brother Andrei. Sergei left the wild frontiers of Montreal and headed to Music City to join big gun toting Shea Weber and learn some honky tonk but tonight he and the Predators come into the Molson's saloon looking for a fight after being blown away like tumbleweeds in Toranna last game. Saddle up!

Cast of characters:

The Stone-Cold Killer: TFS stats for the last four games: 4-0, 0.75 GAA, .979 SP, 2 SO. That sound you hear is the wind whistling through the Preds dressing room as they contemplate those numbers.

The Gunslingers: Big Tits and Cammy each have 3 points in their last 2 games. Captain Gio has 5 in his last 2. Pleks has 6 in his last 2 and is on pace for 94 points. These boys are shooting the lights out, I reckon. For the Preds, youngster Cal O'Reilly and old warhorses JP Dumont and Steve Sullivan are leading the way, although none are exactly dead-eye shooters at the moment.

The Sheriffs: The Preds win with defence, and their defence starts with big gun Sheriff Weber and his deputy Ryan Suter. Along with former Hab Frankie Bouillon, the Preds usually make life in their zone tougher than a night at the OK Corral on Wyatt Earp's worst day. Habs D makes second appearance without Russian Gun Andrei Markov. Can old saddle hands Roman and Jaro keep rustling forwards away from the net? Can the Lightning Kid PK avoid distractions from the Mike "Coward of the County" Richards interview? Will Josh Gorges be the unsung hero who gets to kiss the rancher's daughter in the end?

The Wounded: Russian Gun Andrei's six shooter is holstered indefinitely. Halpern's bell got rung off the saloon doors on Tuesday so he might be shakier than a farmhand on hooch. Nashville's Matt Lombardi got conked on the head by a flower pot off the brothel's second floor during a shootout last week so he's concussed.

The Drifter: Funny as hell but still menacing tough guy Wade Belak won't have much to do tonight so he'll drift around unless someone like Travis "Prairie Gumption" Moen stupidly decides to take him on.

The Angry Loner: Yeah, this is the part where we discuss that low-down dirty scoundrel Sergei "Little Tits" Kostitsyn. Word by way of the wagon trail is ol' Sergei is strugglin', with 3 points and a minus 4 in 12 games. He's also reputed to have had some run ins with boss Barry Trotz. What with the Habs playing so well and Sergei still letting his ten-cent head mess up his million dollar skill set, it looks like the Habs win that trade even if they only have tumbleweeds in the press box to show for it. However, keep an eye on that varmint tonight, because the return to the saloon he was run out of on a rail might motivate Little Tits to go guns a blazin'.

The Pony Express: Get yer news on those dirty low down dawgs from Nashville via On the Forecheck.

The Posse: Final word goes to the posse, which has something to say to anyone disappointed this post isn't an epic Tits versus Tits fest. For entertainment purposes after the game, rustle up a posse for yourself!   

Got anything else to say, cuss, or croon about?  Put it in the Grand Ole Opry of comments.

Oh Big Tits, It's Nice to See you Again. Habs 4, Sens 3

We're lucky to have such a talented artist as GG11 here at FHF. Sometimes I can't believe she puts up with our adolescent requests. Like: "The boobs need to be bigger!!!"

Oh Habs, you had me going there for a while. What with losing the last 8 of 9 to those pesky Senators, including 5 of 6 just last year.  And having apparently played a "perfect game" the night before (although calling any non-shutout game 'perfect' is an insult to the entire goaltenders' union), you had an excuse for a let down. I admit it, after Mic-A-lick walked around the-Jaro-everyone-now-wishes-Goat-had-traded-in-the-offseason, I thought that was it. It just seemed that despite the lopsided shot count, everything the Sens threw at the net seemed to find a way to hit the twine - and that is in no way a reflection of TFS(TM)'s play, who was solid when he needed to be, yet again.

Even after the fluke Halpern goal that started the comeback, I pointed out to Mrs. Panger that 2 of the last 4 goals scored were actually scored by the opponents. Um, not good.

And then Big Tits, who has been downright perky all season, decided to pull his second Ovie impression of the year off a beauty pass from Turtlepleks. And the whole team seemed to shake off the memories of having to visit Buffalo, and perked right up, too. Oh Big Tits, how we (I) missed you. You could have just sagged along without your Little brother, sulked in your silent-type of way, and generally left a gaping hole in the Canadiens top 6. But instead, it seems like you figured out how to work the toolbox, cause it's clear you always had the tools. (For you Leafs fans, what I mean is that it was all in his head.) 

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but Yannick Bouchard (who looks really comfortable next to the bench - as opposed to on the ice; guess he's used to it) was absolutely right: instead of playing on the periphery like some kind of loosie-goosie pond hockey game (I wonder where you learned that from? **coughkovalevcough**), the Large Breasted One has been driving to the net hard, with and without the puck. To McSplooge what I'm saying: his compete level is high, he's engaged and, at times, Bit Tits has been Monster Tits. And lookie lookie, he's got a nice pair (of goals) in 5 games. Just hope he's really, truly figured out what it takes, and he's not just flashing us again - 'cause he really does have a very nice rack of talent.

[As an even greater aside, can someone please point me in the direction of the "FIRE MARIO TREMBLAY" website/facebook page/congregation of disgruntled postal workers? Please? Fucking fool. I still hate that boob. I keep dreaming about Alain Crete punching him righ in his stupid head, right out of nowhere.]

By no means does that mean I'm satisfied. Hamr, the-Jaro-everyone-now-wishes-Goat-had-traded-in-the-offseason, and - gasp - even Subbanator need to stop letting pucks skip off their sticks in the defensive zone, whether or not when they're under any particular forechecking pressure. Gio scored a goal, but the so-called "First Line" needs to start scoring like one. Squid needs to score against someone not wearing antarctic water fowl on his jersey. CHicken needs a goal to bounce in off his ass or something. So does Lars - but then again, look who's feeding him the puck, and he has had created some nice scoring chances to go with his Danish turnovers.

But the Double G's, Josh Georges and Hal Gill, look like they've picked up where they left off in the playoffs, and Georges even looks like he's figured out where they keep the other net used in most hockey games. Captain Picard even looked pretty good last night. TurtlePleks is actually more than earning that contract so far. Halpern, Boyd and the other roster filler has been solid. And one loss in 5 games is pretty darn good, anytime.

But you don't win without scoring goals, so again I say: Bit Tits, it's nice to see you again. I can honestly say I can never get enough of what you've got to show us.

Like run-on sentences and boobs as much as I do? Tell us about it in the comments.

Tits! Habs 3, Pens 2

So I come back from the land of the 56k modems to discover Big Tits is (are?) awesome with a hat trick and TFS(tm) may have stole one. And ZombiePleks thinks he's Wayne Gretzky.

That's alright.

The Morning Skate loves him some Tits on Friday, November 21st

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of having awesome readers like Booche who send in photos from their trip to watch the Habs in Philly...

• Habs pull two points out of their ass with a 3-2 shootout win over the Sens where they played like crap. To be fair, Benoit Brunet thought they played like peaches and cream. More later today;
• While I am sure no one in the East noticed, Vancouver is hot as hell, unbeaten without a regulation loss in 8 after a 3-2 win over the Wild;
• Kipper shuts out the Avs 1-0;
• Finishing up this morning's focus on Canada West, Oilers go down to the Wings 4-3;
• We hesitate to even bring this up, but Bob and Mats met in L.A. Maybe they went to The Body Shop together.

A hearty Mazel Tov to the Als' Anthony Calvillo who took CFL MVP honours yesterday. Go get 'em Sunday Anthony.

Where am I?

Move along Sergei, nothing to see here.

Maybe we'll be along with a full game review at some point, but for now just wanted to give you a place to discuss Big Tits and a forearm of Kurt Sauer to the face. Into the boards. Not to worry, though, refs said it was a clean hit. And if the refs say it, it's sure to be true.

Lap dance to anonymous in the thread last night for catching Kurt Sauer's Wikipedia entry, already changed to reflect the incident. God bless the intertubes.

UPDATE - the line about the incident is gone from the Wikipedia entry. Lap dance to Doogie2K for getting the screen cap (check the comments for link).

Photos of Large-Breasted Women to Live On at FHF

Restricted free agent Andrei Kostitsyn, aka Big Tits, has signed a 3-year deal reportedly worth $3.25 mill per.

Whew. On so many levels.

Big Tits Brings You " The ORRVECHKIN" tm

Andrei Kostitsyn, aka Big Tits, showed us that you've always got a bit of room left for imagination when you're on your back and seemingly out of the play. As Don Cherry would say: "Remember that kids, never quit on the play. Also kids, remember those stupid Europeans and their visor wearing mothers can all go to hell. I'll piss pints of blood out of my flailing penis before I ever give kudos to those soft defecting pussies."

If the Ovechkin goal marveled us live, the Big Tits goal did need a replay for us to understand the genius required to adjust so quickly to what 99.9% of the players in this league would have deemed a dead play.

The Ovie goal (this Alex the GR8 - terrible nickname ..."remember kids, ya can't trust those bloodsucking communists" - shut up Don) is a thing of immediate beauty.

If Ovie had a backhand in creating Big Tits' amazing goal, you can't overlook THE goal scored by THE man who with this legendary play, wrote the book on the meaning LEAP OF FAITH.

Now, here's the link to Big Tits' latest oeuvre d'art. We did need the replay to deconstruct this play that unravelled too quicky for people at home to comprehend.

There you have it, Half Bobby Orr leaping to score the Stanley Cup Winner, half Ovie tucking it in with a rolling backhand.

The Orrvechkin.

No need to choose here. They are both fantastic plays. Ovie definetley laid out the canvass for Big Tits to paint on. 3 incredible goals by Andrei, and counting. Keep them coming on your back, Andrei. Uh, wait a minute...