A New Hope

That's right, we're invoking the Holy Trilogy. Jump back on that bandwagon, all you bandwagon jumpers, the Evil Philadelphic Empire and their eviler leader, Darth Bobby, are blowing up.

Not so long ago, in a part of the NHL not all that far away...

HABS WARS

Episode IV - A NEW HOPE

It is a period of playoff war.
Rebel Canadiens, inspired by
a huge fan base, have won
their first victory against
the evil Philadelphic Empire.

During the battle, Hab
spies managed to steal secret
plans to the Empire's
ultimate weapon, the MICHEAL
LEIGHTON, an armored crease
dweller with enough quickness
to destroy an entire city's hopes.

Pursued by the Empire's
sinister agents, Princess
Martine relaxes at home solo,
custodian of the
stolen plans that can save her
players and restore
Tradition to the Habs' galaxy....

Princess Martine: [in a holo message] General Kirk Kenobi: Years ago, you served one of my many predecessors in the '93 Wars; now the same organization begs you to help it in its struggle against the Evil Empire. I regret that I am unable to present the fan's request to you in person; but I'm afraid to speak to the players during the game and I'm afraid my mission to bring the Cup back to Montreal has failed. I've placed information vital to the survival of the Canadiens into the memory systems of this R2 unit. The players will know how to retrieve it; I just don't know how to communicate with them. You must see that puck is safely delivered behind LEIGHTON. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Kirk Kenobi; you're our only hope.

Kirk: I have something here for you. The fans wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but Uncle George wouldn't allow it. He feared you might follow old Kirk on some damn fool idealistic crusade for the Cup like the fans wanted.
Squid Skywalker: What is it?
Kirk: Easton's lightest composite. This is the weapon of a Habs Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a wood stick; an elegant weapon for a more civilized age. For over a thousand generations, the Habs Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Hockey World. Before the dark times... before the Empire.
Squid: How did the Tradition die?
Kirk: A young, ugly skater named Darth Bobby, who was a hero of mine until he turned to evil, tried to help the Empire hunt down and destroy the Habs Knights in the 70s. He betrayed and murdered skilled hockey. Now the Tradition is all but extinct. Bobby was seduced by the dark side of the Hockey Force.

Squid: So. You'll get your reward for two rounds and you're just leaving, then?
Jar Solo: That's right, yeah. Got some old debts in Bratislava I gotta pay off with this stuff. Even if I didn't, you don't think I'd be fool enough to stick around here, do you? With Carey Price still around? Why don't you come with us? You're pretty good in a fight. We could use you.
Squid: Come on. Why don't you take a look around; look at all those towels. You know what's about to happen, what they're up against. They could use a good goalie like you, you're turning your back on the fans.
Jar Solo: What good is a reward if you ain't around to use it? One more game in that crease and I'm a dead man. Besides, attacking that MICHEAL LEIGHTON is not my idea of courage. It's more like, suicide.
Squid: [angry] Okay. Take care of yourself Jar. I guess that's what you're best at isn't it?
Jar Solo: [as Squid walks away] Hey, Squid. May the Force be with you.
What're you lookin' at? I know what I'm doin'. Got us through two rounds already, didn't I?

Darth Bobby: I've been waiting for you, Kirk. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner; now *I* am the master.
Kirk: Only a master of evil, Bobby.

Darth Bobby: [zeroing in on Squid's knees] I have you now!
[one of Bobby's Storm troopers, Scott Hartnell, is stoned by Jar Solo]
Darth Bobby: What?
Jar Solo: YAHOOO!
[the Millenium Glovehand appears]
Rhino: Look out!
[Jar fires out his glove again, a second storm trooper, Mike Richards, collides with Hartnell, sending him careening away]
Jar Solo: You're all clear, kid, now let's *blow* this thing and go home!
[the Millenium Glovehand leads the remaining rebel Canadiens to the offensive zone; Squid fires, the puck dives down behind the goal line as the MICHEAL LEIGHTON explodes]

Back on the Tradition bandwagon? Tell us about your favorite Habs/Star Wars memories in the comments.

Magical Game 6 Preview and Open Thread

How are the Habs juggling all the blueline injuries and still coming up with a Big D? Magic!

Do or die. There is no tomorrow. Backs against the wall. Am I forgetting one? It's the fourth such match for the Habs this year, so they've heard 'em all. Several times. Just in the playoffs.

We've been posting little crazy little blog nazi's for the past few weeks, and since you obviously have internet access and some sort of an affiliation with the Habs (whether pro or con), there's not much I can tell you in terms of a game preview that you don't already know.

Apparently I am forbidden from praising any head coach of the Montreal Canadiens on this blog, given all the blame foisted upon Count Chocula Jacques Martin and Carboner before him. So how about a little praise for an assistant coach?

Perry Pearn runs the defence for Montreal, and has done a great job line matching in the playoffs. Impressive in and of itself, given the reputation of the opposing forwards faced through two rounds. With injuries to Paul Mara (yes, apparently he is still on the roster), Markov, Spacek and now Gill, combined with a rookie defencemen playing over 20 minutes a night and MAB's inability to turn and skate backwards once he has gained any forward momentum, we only have one conclusion:

Perry Pearn is a wizard.

Jaro provides a helping hand, of course, and between the two of them they've been making defensive magic behind what all the cool blogs are calling (graciously) a "patchwork" defence. So, consider this our tribute to the Magical Mr. Pearn and his apprentice, Jaro.

Now if only Kirk Muller can trap some of that magic in a bottle for his group of midget attackers and we might see a game seven on Wednesday...

[Ed. Note: for those who repeatedly hit "refresh" like HF29, you'll notice I originally posted without a title, just to be different. Well, some people - like HF29 - like to click the title to get all the comments on screen with no pop up, so I've added an admittedly lame title for you and your ilk. So much for thinking outside the box. Heh, I said box.]

Who else has been magical for the Habs? Okay, let's talk more about PK in the comments.

Caps/Habs GAME 7 Preview and Open Thread: 2004 Inspiration Edition

Okay, so let's try this again.*

Details: if you don't know starting time and roster news etc. by now, perhaps you would be more comfortable here.

Good omens: Remember the 2004 series? Second place Bruins versus seventh place Habs (despite the fact that both teams actually had the same number of wins.) Here's a game by game recap to refresh your memory.

In a few words, the improbable comeback story then was about Theo's saves, Kovy's goals and Jumbo Joe's choke. If the Habs pull this off, the storyline will be Halak's saves, Squid's goals and Ovie's choke. Now, we're not saying that last one is necessarily fair to Ovie, we're just suggesting that maybe, perhaps, Caps fans may be less than satisfied with their new captain's first playoff series if the Caps lose tonight. Then again, maybe Ovie buries Jaro the Cult Hero tonight. (Hedging now over.)

Bad omens: The Caps finished with a bunch more wins than the Habs and are WAAAY better than the '04 Bruins. Even if the Habs win, in '04 they then lost 4 straight to the eventual Cup champ Bolts. If the Habs win, they will play the Pens. Hmmm.

Now playing the part of the Koivu/Kovalev/Zednik line is Squid/Turtle/Big Tits meaning just like in 2004, one line is probably going to have to get it done, scoring wise, to win the game.

Also meaning that just like the Little Fuckity-Fuck and that waste of space (cap and ice) Micheal Ryder utterly disappeared in 2004, Gomer and CHicken have been abysmal, meaning Habs management still needs to do a better job stocking the second line.

More importantly, Markov has to play like Markov, meaning...some more things haven't changed all that much in half a dozen tours around the sun; Skillsie (or Georges - somewhat ironically - or as I now like to call him, Forth Star) has to play like a Rivet meaning the Habs need a guy to keep shutting down the Caps' PP and eat up minutes on D since Hamr and MAB are useless; and Jaro has to play like that guy who started in the series but is now warming the end of the opponents bench meaning - wait, what?

However the on-ice roles play out, one thing is clear: defence is the key.

2004:
first 4 games: 11GA
last 3 games: 3GA

2010:
first 4 games: 19GA
last 2 games: 2GA

So the game plan is pretty simple: allow 40 plus shots (just like Jaro like!), wait for Turtle to score a couple and go ahead and book that flight to Pittsburgh.

GO YOU FUCKING HABS, PANTS OR WHATEVER ELSE HELPS!!!!!

* That 1971 analogy before game 4 was totally flawed and doesn't count. If anyone is like Dryden, it's Halak: Jaro has been around a little longer, but he's closer to Dryden's age in '71 and, like Dryden, earned a starters role in a platoon situation down the stretch to get the playoff call. Plus, I was lazy and didn't commit to the premise. Yes, I am nuts - but if I didn't think my actions had some influence on the outcome, what would be the point of being a fanatic?

We like comments, and unless you're Anonymous the Gay-Bashing Troll we won't shut down or delete any comments on our site...unlike some other people.

Caps/Habs Game Four Preview and Open Thread

Move over Breezer, there's a new Franco-Canadien defencemen in my trunk who couldn't cover my sister if she was standing in the slot.

That smell you noticed wafting from Le Centre Bell the past couple of days is the smell of desperation. CH-CH-CH-CHanges.

Darch is out, Rhino is in. Can't wait to see Rhino play smash mouth, crease clearing hockey - moslty because that would be a first for a Montreal player in this series. I can wait to see Ovie coming down on a rush while I hold my breath waiting for Rhino to trip over his own feet. Love DarCHVader but this may be his last game; I call Ryan White taking his place next season (if White learns to skate, that is). Yes, I am already talking about next season.

Jaro out. TFS in - he of the zero victories in the past 50 days. Last one right after the Olympic break. (Remember cheering for a team that won something? Yeah, good times; long times ago, though.)

Habs may be down two Jaros, as Spacek is apparently a game-time decision. If Jaro 2.0 is good to go (please please please) The Urologist moves back from defence to forward. Thank darwin, because he was FUCKING AWFUL on the last goal and has basically been a whipping boy back there all series. And I am less than impressed with his PP work (heh).

If not, DarCHVader is probably back in while Little Tits wonders if he'll get traded to the same place as Grabs in the off season. (Yes, I am talking about next season again.)

Lots of CHanges and perhaps more to come, but will it make any difference?

Alright, it worked for Game 1 so I'll try it again:

CAPS/HABS GAME 4 PREVIEW, 1971 Inspiration Edition

Ken Dryden = Carey Price meaning stop everything they throw at you, Mr. Franchise Saviour, or it's back to Fat Whale Offseason Training and maybe a new postal code next season.

Post comments below this line:

Little People Can Do Big Things - Habs 3, Caps 2 (OT)

So the gang over at MYFO discovered the secret about how the Habs managed to win last night. Thanks to some secret spies they must have, their Habs-Caps preview was able to transcribe a meeting at Hurleys between the four HF's prior to Game 1 (this is all pretty meta, I know). But MYFO's spy missed the follow-up meeting at Hurleys this morning. Here's what transpired.

HabsFan29: Hair of the dog, bitCHes. If there is an Irish invention that has had as much success around the world as Irish coffee I'd like to hear it.

HabsFan4: Bono's pretentiousness?

Habsfan10: Hey where's Panger?

4: Calgary?

10: No there he is down there. Hi little buddy!

Panger: Fuk offf.

10: I love the way he typo-talks. So cute.

Panger: Luk, if it wasn't for the littel peeple last night Habs would have been blownn out of the water.

10: You got that right Panger (well, sort of). Did you see the Mexican on the tying goal? Isn't that the type of thing Ovie usually does? End to end rush, the defense backs off, make a nice move then a nice play? That was fucking incredible.

4: Brought tears to my eyes. All the haters of the little people can suck it. And speaking of Ovie, damn our little adventure with him yesterday really worked. No shots. Zero! Zip! Nada! Bubkis!

29: Not sure if it was the strippers that brought about the rumours of him being less than 100%, or if was the work of Jaro 2.0, but shutting down Ovie like that was a dream come true. It probably was a dream. We suck.

Panger: Hey can sombudy passmy bear? I can't reech.

10: Here ya go little buddy [pats Panger on the head]. Truly the little people are triumphing. So amazing to see Squid get off the schneide just at the right time and fire that bullet on the PP. And to see our Jaromir Plekanec get the OT winner against notMiller-notMarty was the highlight of the playoffs so far.

29: [takes meth hit] I'm sure it will be the only highlight for the Habs.

4: Isn't it a little early for that 29? And why can't you fucking be positive for change? Anonymous commentors will take us to task. We can't have that.

29: Fuck the anonymous commentors. This was one fucking game. Sure it was great, sure I'm high it was a high, but there is still a ton of work to do. And I don't trust anyone.

10: But all of a sudden we have a head coach! When the fuck did that happen? He must have really made some adjustments during the first intermission because we blew chunks in the first, when Jaro kept us in it. He did a great job getting matchups on the road. And he actually called a strategic timeout after an icing to rest tired players! And he even showed some sort of emotion, I think it was "slight concern," on that total non-call on Gio on a partial breakaway in OT.

Panger: Can sumwon pass mee a napkin pleese? I spillt some beer.

10: Here ya go little buddy [pats Panger on the head]. And 29, shouldn't you be impressed with the way all four lines seemed to work hard? When was the last time we saw that? We need to give serious props to Laps, DarCHe, Little Tits, all of those guys. They put in quality minutes and helped to tire out the Caps D.

4: I agree with that. This was the best team effort we've had since the good run right after the Olympics. And not just the forwards. The D as a squad was pretty solid too,especially after the first. Yeah, we let up a bunch of shots, but overall they played well. Even The Urologist! And the signing of Hal Gill's 8-foot stick is paying dividends.

29: I'm not convinced.

Panger: zzzzzzz

10: Aww, so cute. The little guy is all tuckered out after a half beer [pats Panger on the head].

4: Let's hope the Habs' little guys have more stamina than Panger.

29: We'll find out tomorrow.

Late afternoon update for no apparent reason - thx to commentor moeman for finding this, it deserves to be posted:

Caps/Habs Game 1 Preview and Open Thread: 1993 Inspiriation Edition

It has been 17 years since the Habs won a Cup. That means if they don't win this spring, next year there will be fully grown, adult Canadiens fans who can drink liquor and fornicate but have never witnessed a Stanley Cup parade proceed along the usual route. And you need to be able to do all three to call yourself a true Montrealer.

I'll let that reality sink in for a monment - sspecially for you old people like HF29 who grew up hanging off of light poles on Ste Catherine Street every spring.

So what's it going to take to return Lord Stanley's mug to its rightful and favorite home? It's going to take a number of key guys playing waaaay over their (usual) heads - just like in 1993. As a favour to the current Habs lineup, who may not have obsessed about that '93 team quite as much as I may have, here is FHF's guide to what each of our key players need to recreate if there is a Parade to be Planned:

Captain Kirk = Squid meaning he has to score in the clutch and bring both heart and leadership

Vinnie D.= Gomez meaning he has to play like a true #1 centre and lead the playoffs in scoring

Keaner = Little Giant meaning he has to skate like the wind (okay, that would be more than what Mikey did), hit anything that moves, play aggressive and constantly hound the puck carrier. Keane actually had 13 assists, but we'll take 10 goals from Gio instead

Bellows = CHicken meaning he has to use his size and natural scoring ability to prove the Habs didn't trade Russ Courtnall Gui! for nothing

LeClair = Big Tits meaning he's got to show some break-out scoring ability - although I must admit I as surprised to learn that Johnny only scored 4 goals in the playoffs. I remember it more as 50.

DiPietro = Moore meaning someone has to score unexpectedly and The Goat's first trade acquisition seems a likely candidate

Desjardins = Markov meaning he's got to lead the blueliners, play Norris-like defence and score a hat trick in the finals

Odelin = Gilliweed meaning the heretofore nicknamed "HMS" has to be the unsung defensive rock and bring a physical presence to the blueline

Haller = Urologist meaning he'll be forgotten in 8 months, but needs to be the unsung offensive hero on the blueline in the next 8 weeks

Roy = Jaro meaning "your 2010 Conn Smythe winner". Realistically, it's the only way any of this is gonna happen

Racicot = Big Fat Whale meaning he'll play 18 minutes when Jaro has to take a dump.

There it is. That's all these Habs need to pull off a monumental upset in the first round (just like 17 years ago), Then, if last night is any indication, all the lower seeds will do the Habs a favour and knock off the other contenders. After the Caps, it will be smooth sailing into the finals.

I wonder who will tell Jacques which stick to measure.

Yes, yes I am delusional. I do think the Canadiens have a shot, especially if Phoenix can beat Detroit. But ask me again after the first when Alex already has a hat trick.