Original movie directed by Barry Sonnenfeld,
based on the novel by Elmore Leonard,
screenplay by Scott Frank,
parodied by moeman.
RATED PB - Contains strong language,
mild violence, great hair, tits.
FADE IN FROM BLACK ~ R.I.P. PB
MAN'S VOICE; Looks fuckin' cold out there.
EXT. Wienstein & Gavino's ~ MONTRÉAL NIGHTLIFE
It is cold. leaf fans walk by hugging themselves, pulling up their blue and white collars (to hide their shame)
INT. CENTRE BELL CENTRE ~ GAME TIME
CHili PRICE, early twenties, stands in his crease with P. F. KARLO, a (supposedly) low level mob type. CHili smokes a cigarette, stares out his mask at the people in the crowd, CHanting CHili! CHili! CHili!
P. F. KARLO; Guy on the radio said it's gonna get down and dirty in Philly.
CHili PRICE; Let's play this one first. Don't be too cocky tonight.
CHili watCHes a gorgeous #31 Habs-jerseyed woman in the reds pause to tighten the scarf around her CHest . . . She looks through the glass, sees Chili looking back.
P. F. KARLO; CHeck out the CHest on that thirty-one ~ those are a thing of beauty, for CHrist sake! (then) Yo, CHili, you're spacin'.
CHili CHuckles.
~ ~ ~
1ST PERIOD - PLAYERS ON THE ICE, PUCK DROPPED
BOBCOLD; Let's game the game started.
CHili turns to his net and studies P. F. Karlo a moment, then . . . the game starts.
CHili hears LAFFTER on the ice, in the stands and then FOCUSES on the pressbox so that CHili can now see a GROUP OF TORONTO BUSINESS MEN sitting there, one of them is 1000th GM game Brian Burke, the other, Phaneuf. We hear MORE LAFFTER and now CHili turns and looks over at . . . the leaf, even more LAFFTER.
CHili and Bageldog standing by the crease. P. F. Karlo, sucking on his mouthpiece, smiles.
P. F. KARLO; Bageldog, how ya doin' ya mensCH?
BAGELDOG; Okay, P. F. Karlo. You?
P. F. KARLO; I'm feelin' kinda but not quite cocky. Savin' it like CHili.
BAGELDOG: Feels like I gotta fifth of Manischewitz in me, watCH me score tonight.
END OF FIRST, 0-0 ~ TFS™ and Blue Monster can't be beat.
~ ~ ~
INT. CROTCH'S CORNER - stale air, smells like an old unwashed AHL jock.
CROTCH; (back from fighting with his tailor Boudoir Glam) I'm telling' ya, da mob'll kill him. Nobody crosses da mob. Hey, Kid Kadri, polish my shoes.
MCLAME; (smirks, sneers, almost swallows but spits the still warm splooge on Crotchs' clown shoes, flips Kid Kadri a HNIC plug nickel) ; Yeah, I'm with you on that.
~ ~ ~
2ND PERIOD - PLAYERS BACK ON THE ICE, PUCK DROPPED
BOBCOLD; Let's game the game started.
Bageldog focuses on the face-off (Habs won 36 of 54 on the night), goes to the net, tips it, scores a fuckin' SHORTY, waits for acknowledgement.
Chili PRICE (smiles) ; Thats all I need.
END OF 2ND, 1-0
~ ~ ~
INT. HOTAIR HOTSTOVE, (nice new Boudoir Glam suit for Eric Francis)
MADMIKE; Send Collie Campbell a horse's head.
~ ~ ~
3RD PERIOD - PLAYERS ON THE ICE, PUCK DROPPED
BOBCOLD; Let's game the game started.
BACK AND FORTH PLAY, A GAME PB WOULD'VE LOVED
PICARD GETS A STICK TO THE FACE, HABS DON'T DECLINE THE POWERPLAY, YEAH!
SQUID'S MAGICAL STICK; Cammi, scream out Dou$harek's name.
SQUID: Dou$harek! Over here, I'm in the clear!
SQUID (RIPS A HIGH HARD ONE-TIMER, FALLS TO HIS KNEES); Fuck Dude, next time CHeck out the colour of my Pants! Crowd roars with laughter and glee. Burke rips out his hair. A stunned Phaneuf looks over to find his girlfriend.
BLUE MONSTER; FUCK! (Thx Esther)
END OF 3RD, 2-0, Game over.
~ ~ ~
CHilly outside. CHili inside. It's a regular fuckin' CHili-fest. Hey, waiter give Mr. CHili Price a big fuckin' bowl of First Star CHili!
CHili turns from net and low-fives P. F. Karlo!
CHili points to another hot babe in the crowd, flips her the game puck. She whispers 'Call me' or something like that.
INT. POSTGAMESTOVE Again the men all laugh respectfully at BOBCOLD's stupid calls.
CHili smiles the best he can at the idiot . . . Bageldog smiles for the camera.
BOBCOLD; Let's game the game started.
~ ~ ~
OUTAKE ~ Rocket Richard and BoomBoom Geoffrion greet Pat Burns at the pearly gates.
ROCKET; We gave you two extra minutes for the nice hair Burnsie.
BOOMBOOM; Hey Pat, did cbc/hnic broadcast your tribute?
FADE OUT to Bleu, Blanc et Rouge.
