Lightning Crashes Habs INSTA-REVIEW - Tampa 3 - Montreal 1

We just need the creepy bald angel from the "Lightning Crashes" video for the entire Lightning cliche catalogue

Well, the CBC hasn't even taken us over to Don Cherry's Maple Leaf lovefest yet and here's the Lightning Fast Insta-Review. Bear with us, cause this is going to be even more stream of consciousness than usual:


Plan the Parade: Uh, no. There will be no parade this year, unless Andrei Markov is WAY better than we all think. However, some pluses for tonight included:

• Pleks, still decidedly un-Zombielike. Another solid performance, even doing Mad Max the Pussy's (tm Pee-air McSplooge) job by getting so far under Vinny Lecavalier's skin he was itching like he just slept with one of the girls he met back in junior in Rimouski. Days until the gnashing of teeth because Pleks prices himself out of the Habs range: 134.
• Big Tits, less Zombielike with each passing moment. A few nice moves, seemed engaged, even threw himself a big hit. Baby steps for the epileptic dullard, eh?
• The kids, Max-Pac, Carle, Whitey, Pyatt. None of them are burners, none of them have can't miss written all over them right now, but none of them looked out of place. Once again, Panger's boy Chips is getting passed by on the depth chart. Poor bugger.
  
• The Urologist, not looking like he learned defence from a correspondence course (tm Moeman). This evening, abysmal he was not. Well, that's something, I guess.
  
• Price, not giving up a backbreaking, stupid goal. Of course, he's not off the hook entirely(see below).
• Coach Martin, who appears to have a plan in place. The Habs came out flying at the start of each period, adjustments seem to be made during intermissions, and when the lines start shuffling it doesn't seem to be desparate grab-bag bullshit. I think he's a very good coach and may actually win this team some games by outsmarting someone on the other side.
  
• Giant Mexican Squid, not infalible but hella fun to watch. AnnTaylorNinnyChicomaki made a half dozen stops when GMS was buzzing that would have made this game look a whole lot different.
• Glen Metropolit, still awesome. That is all.
  

The Sky is Falling: Remember when a loss to the Lightning would have been a disaster? I can't remember when the Habs just trampled one of these fucking Southern division teams and it pisses me off. I grew up watching this franchise steal the lunch money of teams like LA, Pittsburgh, the old Atlanta Flames and Minnesota North Stars week-in, week-out. This new NHL shit blows. Also blowing:

• The defence on the first goal. Hey, Hamrlik, how about fucking hitting the guy in front of the net before he gets his FOURTH free whack at the puck?
• The defence on the second goal. Hey, Hamrlik, how about fucking tying up your man on the backcheck instead of letting him get a free shot on the rebound? Which brings us to ...
• The big, fat whale Cari rebound on the second goal. Ugh. And come to think of it, Price should probably have had that third goal too. It beat him and hit the post, then the refs got it wrong on the replay, but an inch lower and it was in clean. Bad luck, but he needed to do better.
  
• Seriously, I know Hamr is doing some heavy lifting right now, but there was a point late in the second where the man had a wide-open shot from the point and his shot was so weak he wouldn't have broken Alex Tanguay with it. Someone get him some time in the hyperbaric chamber or a night off.
• Oh, of course Mr. Glass Tanguay comes back and scores a goal. Stupid pussy fucker. Naturally, he also left the game with an injury at one point. Probably his ovaries.
• Hey, notice I didn't mention Gui or Mad Max yet? It's because they did sweet fuck all. Again. Sit both their asses for fuck's sake.
  
• ABC is showing Cinncinati/UConn as their primetime game. Is it an Elite Eight match-up in the NCAA tourney? Why no, it's a fucking football game. Because you know, a match-up full of hot babes in the stands like USC/Arizona State or a legendary traditional rivalry like Oklahoma/Nebraska isn't on right now somewhere in the continental US. Yeah, I know that has nothing to do with the game, but fuck me, Cinncinati/UConn?!!?!

Chez Paree bound? Well, I wouldn't kick any of the guys mentioned in the Plan the Parade section out, but I sure as hell ain't letting them skip the line. The Habs didn't play all that bad tonight, but AnnTaylorNinnyChicoMaki played great and they lost. Unfortunately, this looks like the lot for this team unless GMS starts potting two a game or Pleks gets some damn help. This team looks more and more like a 7th or 8th seed that's going out in the first round, unless Price continues to morph into the actual TMS and Markov comes back as some sort of Orr/Lidstrom hybrid (the Orrdstrom?).

Alex Tanguay Speaks, Calice 'Stie!

Yesterday Alex Tanguay gave an interview to RDS. As our usual public service, we are happy to offer up a translation for those of our readers who don't speak the language of Molière.

Le style que préconise le Canadien me va bien.
Mike Keenan is a prick who destroyed my career.

Je dois avouer que je n'ai pas encore pensé avec qui j'allais jouer. Cela reviendra aux entraîneurs.
I have full confidence that Coach Carbonneau will find me some decent linemates. I've heard that once he makes a line combination he sticks with it. Is that true?

Le Tricolore est une bonne équipe qui possède beaucoup de bons joueurs.
I'm just happy to be here, I hope that I can help the ball club. I just want to to give it my best shot, and the good Lord willing, things will work out.

J'étais un grand partisan des Nordiques de Québec.
Habs Suck.

(re what number he will wear) J'aimerais beaucoup avoir le 13, mais je vais attendre encore quelques semaines.
When Mats Sundin gets that fence out of his ass, the rest of us can get on with our lives.

2008 Draft: Habs land a playmaker and a bunch of kids Carbo will never see in a Habs uniform

In Bob We Trust - specifically, we trust that the guy he just traded for isn't the second coming of Denis Savard circa 1990. At least he got in on the trade action, which saw 13 first round picks traded.

...Oh, and the Habs picked a few 17 and 18 year olds that won't be wearing a Habs jersey before Guy Carbonneau gets the axe. Here's a quick recap (of the picks)/preview (of the players we may one day see at the Bell Centre - probably because they bought tickets).

1st Round/25 Overall
TRADED FOR Alex Tanguay (LW)
Key Stat: Born in La Belle Province
Grew up a Nordiques fan, but after enduring Iron Mike and the defensive shackles in Calgary for a couple of years, he should be feeling good about a move to an offensive-oriented team - he did waive his No Trade clause to come to MTL. Time will tell if he's better than Greg Nemisz (the guy Calgary drafted 25th), but right now - and more importantly, for this centennial year - there is no question Montreal won this trade. It's also nice to see Montreal pick up a player at a discount, instead of giving them away at 10 cents on the dollar (see Lemieux, Claude. Damn you Sylvain Turgeon!).

2nd Round/56 Overall
Danny Kristo (RW)
Key Stat: 18 goals in 47 games (USHL)
Shockingly, the Habs reach out for an American for their first pick. Sound familiar? Timmons must be banging some NCAA recruiter. Anyway, there is no way this guy is in the Komo/Fisher/McDonough/Pacioretty category. Playing the equivalent of high school hockey, Kristo seems to be in the Marty St Louis mould: a small, quick scorer with soft hands. Also extremely young, he's a year away from even starting college. It'll be awhile before we hear about him contending for a roster spot.

3rd Round/86 Overall
Steve Quailer (RW)
Key Stat: 6'3"
Tall, but lean winger with "lots of potential" i.e. "we hope we didn't screw up with this pick because he was rated 130th overall before the draft." Also off to college this year. This also adds another winger to Montreal's stable of prospects, a position in which they had the least depth going into the draft

4th Round/116 Overall
Jason Missiaen (G)
Key stat: 6'08"
Dude's big. Really big. Has been the backup to Trevor Cann (OHL All-Star) in the Pete, getting off the bench just 18 times last year, but at least improved his stats this season. Hopefully he will be their starter next year. Likely another long-term project destined to go the Yann Danis route in Hamilton as Carey Price racks up Vezinas in Montreal.

5th Round/138 Overall (acquired from Calgary)
Maxim Trunev (F)
Key Stat: 1 game in Russian Elite League this year
Supposedly a highly skilled winger, this will likely be one of those home run or strikeout type picks. Let's call him the next Datsyuk, just for kicks, rather than the next Perezhogin. Even if he's any good, who knows when we might see him come over to North America **coughAlexeiEmelincough**

7th Round/206 overall
Patrick Johnson (C)
Key State: 7th Round selection
Oh look, another young American kid on his way to college. Way to think outside the box, fellas. That's ok, we're too distracted sewing Tanguay's name onto our old Ryder jersey to care.

Now that the draft is over, 10 days to UFA season! We'll hopefully get around to previewing that for you. And hopefully said preview will involve the signing of a certain Swedish centre who used to play his hockey on Quebec. If so: suck it, T.O.!