Ten things we LOVE about... the Boston Bruins ~ Preview and Open Thread

REVENGE. BLOOD. WAR. THE BATTLE FOR PATCHES AND THE SOUL OF HOCKEY. These are the themes that are swirling around the sixth and final meeting of the regular season between the Habs and Bruins tonight. At least if you're watching TSN. Blood lust is very exciting! But then we read yesterday that Chara has tried to reach out to PatCHes. What a lovely gesture! Who cares that he has yet to apologize or anything. I'm sure that's exactly what he was trying to do! You always apologize to the guy you almost maimed privately before you do it in public. That's just good manners! And any Canadian loves good manners. So that got us to thinking - a nice gesture, some good manners, maybe there are some things to love about the Bruins. Ten things even! Sure, anyone can list 10 things they hate about a rival, or even 20, but can we find ten things to love? Of course we can! We're drunk and / or high. Anton, drumroll please...

10. Delightful Bruin fan visitors to FHF! Like Cornelius! And Cornelius! And, uh, that other guy! Come back Cornelius.

9. The rise of former Bruins coaches Don Cherry and Mike Milbury to prominent positions at the CBC has granted us precious time to eat and masturbate during intermissions because we have to turn them off.

8. Bruins futility and skinflint ownership long ago forced The Sports Guy to abandon his Bruins fandom. Can you imagine if we had to deal with his pompous ass talking about the Bruins and hockey all the time? Ugh. We've been saved! We love you for that Bs!

7. They've got the second or third best jersey in the league. Sure, their old 3rd jersey was an abomination to mankind, but the original black and gold is solid. And black is always classy, like a tuxedo. Just look at the Raiders!

6. Ice Girls! We love ice girls. Ok maybe they're not Atlanta southern belles or anything, but it takes something special to be one of only two original six teams with ice girls.

5. The TD Garden provides valuable marketing exposure for our Canadian corporations.

4. Mark Recchi! Always nice to see players I loved in a Habs uni remembering to bring up their old club in interviews.

3. Their coach used to be our coach. That counts for something, right?

2. This Bruins Commercial. A giant bear beating the shit out of a Bruins fan and a cute CHick wearing a Habs jersey. What's not to love?

And the number one thing we love about the Bruins...

1. Without them, who we gonna hate?

7:00 PM start from Boston, on the regular blood lust-y TSN. There's nothing to preview, you know as well as I do what's happening, who's good and who's bad and who's injured and who's a game-time decision. Go read a real preview or use the Google if you want actual information. I would just love to see the fucking puck drop already. And for no one to get hurt.

Bring your own drunken-high passive-aggressive love-hate in the comments

OK, get out the pitchforks and torches. Now I'm pissed. (with a little legal lesson thrown in)

"So if you're looking for someone to lead the angry pitchfork mob, you've come to the wrong place. Until the NHL decides Bob McKenzie is right and gives Chara a token one-game suspension. Then we can go apeshit."

- me, in the last post

So I don't need to tell you that the NHL decided that it was even more of a pussy than Bob McKenzie. At least Bob thought Chara would get a couple of games. The NHL's wheel of justice landed on zero. Zero games. Zero fines. Zero condemnation of a sickening, sickening act. One that has left one of the brightest young stars the team has in a hospital bed, with a fractured C4 vertebrae and a severe concussion. PatCHes won't play again this year, and may never play again. He may never be the same person again. So before we go apeshit, let's once again remember what's important here - PatCHes. Please get well. We're hoping and praying for you.

On to the apeshit.

Actually, let's get to the legal lesson first. Bear with me here, it's important. Let's start with one of our resident lawyers, Panger, who wrote the following in an email to me and HF10, that was sent before the ruling came down:

I’m not sure that Zdeno should get away with that hit regardless of whether he “intended” to nearly kill him. Frankly, I doubt he intended to seriously hurt him. But the fact is that he’s 6’9, has been playing hockey his whole career, and ought to have known the potential danger to Patches. Isn’t the rationale behind the blind-side head shot rule to protect players when they are vulnerable? How much more vulnerable could Patches have been? But did Chara turn away? No, he clearly rubbed him out. He knew it; he didn’t care about the consequences. Reckless disregard. Maybe it’s not first degree murder, but it can still be murder if you’re reckless. He’ll get two games and someone will have to be killed on the ice for the NHL to start protecting its players.(emphasis added)

A criminal lawyer will tell you that you need to prove two things for a guilty finding - the "actus reus" and the "mens rea". The actus reus is the criminal act. I think we can all agree that Chara performed the act. Want proof? Here:

Mens rea literally translates to "guilty mind." The average non-lawyer person thinks that the guilty mind means intent. The NHL thinks it too. I walk into my girlfriend's house and put a bullet in her head because she was sleeping with my best friend (I'm the jealous type). I intended to pull that trigger. That's easy to understand. But intent is not the only mens rea. Depending on the crime and jurisdiction, you've got all sorts of other mens reas. Two of the most common? Recklessness and negligence. You get into a car drunk and kill a guy? Sure, you didn't intend to kill him, but damn fucking right by getting into a car and driving drunk you were reckless, and you are guilty. In Canada, if you are negligent and your actions cause someone's death, you are guilty of homicide (s. 222(5)(b) of the Criminal Code). You never intended to kill someone, but you are still guilty of murder.

None of this means anything to the NHL "brain" trust. Most of whom, I imagine, are lawyers. But their ridiculous fascination with the phrase "intent to injure" has gone beyond the perverse. To the point where a 22-year old kid almost got killed with zero punishment to the person responsible.

Now Mike Murphy, NHL VP of hockey operations, is not a lawyer. But he's still a fuckface. Here's what he had to say: "I could not find any evidence to suggest that ... Chara targeted the head of his opponent". Right. No evidence. Exhibit A:

No contact to the head there! FuckMurphy continued: "with both players skating in the same direction and with Chara attempting to angle his opponent into the boards." Right. Just a normal check into the boards! When patCHes was nowhere near the fucking puck. Not to mention that if they were both skating in the same direction, Chara would have been staring right at the fucking stanchion.  He would have known what he was about to do. FuckMurphy continued: "This hit resulted from a play that evolved and then happened very quickly." Of course, hockey is a slow game! But this play happened so fast who knows what happened! And one more: "I also took into consideration that Chara has not been involved in a supplemental discipline incident during his 13-year NHL career." Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw. He's just a prince! And the next time he pulls some sort of shit, he still won't have been involved in a supplemental discipline incident. So no punishment then either! I personally have never been disciplined for chaining a stripper to a bed in my basement. So when I do that, no discipline for me!

My rage is no longer targeted at Chara, or the Bruins, or the violent state of the game that seems to excuse this kind of stupidity. My rage is directed squarely at the NHL, who have taken one of the most sickening things I've ever seen in my lifetime and turned it into a fucking joke, just a normal hockey play. I am fucking pissed. I know you are too. What do we do? I don't know. CJAD has started a Facebook group that wants "justice" for PatCHes. Unfortunately, justice in this case seemed to have been lost in a wave of NHL stupidity. But we have to find a way to channel this anger. I'm open to suggestions. It's not just for justice, it's not just for revenge, it's not just for PatCHes. It's for the state of the game.

PatCHes himself said it best: "I'm not mad for myself, I'm mad because if other players see a hit like that and think it's okay, they won't be suspended, then other players will get hurt like I got hurt."

Amen, PatCHes. Again, get well. We'll be mad for you.

Get well, patCHes (oh yeah, Habs 4, Bs 1)

I have to be honest with you. I've been lying in bed awake for three hours, dreading to write this post. When we decided at FHF headquarters eairler this week that I was writing the review of the Bs game, I was so stoked. Now, frankly, I wish I wasn't a Habs blogger.

I kid, I kid, I love this place and all of you guys. But really, I'm just dreading giving my opinion here. No matter what I say, it's going to be wrong. Everyone will disagree with it. Puck Daddy and other hockey blogs will link to this with the "FHF says that Chara hit was dirty" or "FHF believes Chara wasn't intending to injure" or "FHF says Chara is a big fat shaved gorilla". That's just way too much responsibility, and I don't want it. All I ever wanted to do was have some fun and make some jokes and ogle some half naked chicks.

So before I get this over with, let's take a step back and remember what's important here - Max patCHes is lying in the Montreal General Hospital. No matter what you thought of the hit, the aftermath was scary. You seriously could have thought he was dead. His eyes were closed and he didn't move for what seemed like an eternity. For 15 minutes there, I literally felt sick. Thank goodness the Habs organization knows how to use the Twitter machine, and we found out soon enough he was alive, conscious, and moving his limbs. This morning the reports have him suffering a concussion. Compared to death or a broken neck, that's great news. PatCHes, we're all thinking of you. Get well.

OK enough dilly-dallying, here goes. Hmmm...
*looks around*
*makes coffee*
*pours coffee*
*adds shot of Irish whiskey to coffee*
*drinks*
*drinks Irish whiskey straight from bottle*

OK, seriously, here goes. All I can tell you is what I see in the video. And believe me, I've watched it about a 396,567 times by now, on TV and YouTube, in fast speed in slow-mo, backwards and forwards and upside down. Here's what I see. Chara maybe starts hitting Max with his shoulder. However, pretty quickly that shoulder becomes a forearm to the head / neck area, and that arm extends, pushing the head / neck area away. And it's not like you can make the excuse that Chara towers over him, patCHes is 6'2", a giant among Habs forwards. Fact - Max did not have the puck. So what do I think?

Sorry sports fans still anxiously awaiting one stupid blogger's opinion, I still don't know. That may seem like a (possibly drunken) copout, but here's the problem. As HF10 wrote in an email last night:

"Ugly, reckless, stupid yeah. Malicious? Christ I hope not."

That's the thing, you can't really know what's in a player's head, can you? The reactions to this have varied from "a pretty banal hit that just happened in the wrong place" (Big fat Bob McKenzie) to "Chara knew exactly where he was and what he was doing and was getting even for Max's little shove in the back after that OT winner in the January game" (antiCHambre). Chara has denied he had any intent to injure. Do I believe that? Well, no, but I frankly have a hard time believing that even a shaved gorilla wanted to see a player killed or paralyzed. I think Arpon Basu summed up my feelings nicely: "I can't convince myself that Chara wanted that exact outcome. He wanted something, but not that."

So if you're looking for someone to lead the angry pitchfork mob, you've come to the wrong place. The problem is, this is just Day 1 of this discussion. We've all got to take a deep breath, be rational and civil, and politely disagree with each other. Until the NHL decides Bob McKenzie is right and gives Chara a token one-game suspension. Then we can go apeshit.

Oh yeah, Habs played a dynamite hockey game, using their skill and speed to cruise to a 4-0 lead before the incident. Too bad a dandy 40 minutes was forgotten in 2 seconds.

Pretty Hate Machine - Bruins versus Canadiens Game Preview and Open Thread

Hatred is the madness of the heart. - Lord Byron

The Bruins. Tonight. 7:30 on RDS, TSN-Habs and NESN. The first meeting since the black and gold went with their usual modus operandi bullshit 70's throwback tactics in front of their baying, loutish fans in that cheap-ass rink they own. Both teams remember the last meeting, but only the Habs remember that they've won 8 of 9 versus the their ancient rivals. Canadiens have won four straight, Bruins six. Revenge? Maybe. Hatred? Definitely. The Pretty Hate Machine starts now.

Hatred comes from the heart; contempt from the head; and neither feeling is quite within our control. - Alfred Schopenauer

The Bruins stir feelings of hatred more than any other. The Leafs? A hate born of national pride, but tempered by years apart. The Bruins and Canadiens have played more games against each other than any two franchises in NHL history and not one of them has been pleasant. Grown men froth at the mouth at the sight of a Bruins toque on the Metro or a Habs jersey in their local Southie pub. Familiarity breeds contempt; contempt begets hatred, hatred gets out of control quickly. Richard/Laycoe. Lafleur/Milbury. Nilan/Byers. Jonathan/Bouchard. Canadiens/Bruins always teeters right on the edge and it is the hate that does it.

To enjoy the things we ought, and to hate the thing we ought, has the greatest bearing on excellence of character. - Aristotle

Why do we hate the Bruins so? We hate because Eddie Shore was a dirty cheap-shot artist, because Jonathan, Wensink, O'Reilly and Milbury brawled their way through the 70's, because Esposito, Orr, Bourque and Neely were stars, because Neely always broke Montreal's back with a shot over Roy's glove, because Lucic demolished Komisarek, because Cheevers and Moog and Thomas and Frankie Brimsek gave the Canadiens fits. Because Bruins fans piss on visitors to their rink. Because the Boston Garden was a cramped, rat infested cesspool and the TD Banknorth visitors dressing room is the size of a closet. Because B's fans are proud of their team's lunchbucket, beat em in the alley ethos. Because for 100 years the Canadiens have emphasised Gallic flair, speed, skill and firewagon hockey and the Bruins have spent almost as long trying to choke the life out of it. We hate because Zdeno Chara is still among the league's best, because Tim Thomas is having an otherworldly season, because for all our taunts about Lucic being a talentless thug, he's on pace for almost 40 goals and we would kill to have someone like him.  We hate because being a Bruins fan shows a deficiency of character that can not be redeemed.  Because cheering for the Canadiens is a virtue, a guiding light, a truth. 

Let them hate, so long as they fear. - Lucius Accius Telephus

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not. - Andre Gide

Why do the Bruins hate us so? Hatred is often born of fear - and the Canadiens as a franchise have often been something to fear. Many a Bruins team has been swept aside by a Canadiens team that was more talented, but it is the shared history of talented Bruins teams being upset by heavy underdogs (1971, 2002, 2004) or being beaten by the slimmest of margins when the talent equation was nearly identical (1977, 1979, 1989) due to bad breaks, boneheaded mistakes, or Forum ghosts that tears a seam in the Bruins heart. They hate because they cannot win. They hate because Montreal's light continues to shine against their dark. They hate because Montreal stands up to bullying and triumphs more often than they lose. They hate, because as Lord Byron noted, "He who surpasses or subdues mankind, must look down on the hate of those below. " For most of their existence, the Bruins have been subdued. Their hatred is for what the Canadiens were then, and are now. The Canadiens are not the Bruins.

We have enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another. - Johnathan Swift

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us. - Hermann Hesses

Both franchises hate because deep down, despite their divergent philosophies, there remains a part of the other in each. Montreal harbours a dark side that the Bruins bring out. Montreal fans revel in the memories of John Ferguson, tough-as-nails Dickie Moore, Larry Robinson's mystique as a fighter, Chris Nilan and John Kordic. The solution to Zdeno Chara and Milan Lucic was supposed to Georges Laraque. Shouts for Gauthier to call up muscle from Hamilton for tonight's game were deafening in some quarters. The Canadiens darkness is ever-present; nowhere does it manifest itself more clearly than in the days leading to a Boston game. In contrast, Boston's darkness has always needed the light to guide it. The Big Bad Bruins would have been no more than an afterthought without Orr and Esposito's offensive fireworks. Gentleman Jean Ratelle, Rick Middleton, Brad Park? All lauded for their exemplary play and conduct, despite their allegiance to black and gold. All the Lyndon Byers, Keith Crowders and Don Sweeney's of the world wouldn't have lifted the Bruins to Cup finals in the late 80's and early 90's without the talents of Ray Bourque. Even patron saint of overrated power forwards Cam Neely needed soft-as-tissue Craig Janney or passer extraordinaire Adam Oates. The current Bruins go nowhere without all everything centre Patrice Bergeron, smart vet Mark Recchi and Chara. Boston hates because no amount of bullying, brawling and thuggery wins without skill to guide it. Both clubs share parts of each other's religion, but never fully embrace the aspects they need from the other. They hate that part of themselves almost as much as they hate the image on the other side of the divide.

I hate victims who respect their executioners. - Jean-Paul Sartre

There is no honour in Milan Lucic fighting Mike Komisarek after Komisarek's shoulder was injured. Or in his engaging players already involved with others. Or his refusal to answer when called. There is no honour in Greg Campbell using a weapon on Tom Pyatt, or John Boychuk continuing to hit Jaro Spacek as he lay on the ice. There is no reason to respect Zdeno Chara's cheapshots, or Claude Julien's complaints or bush-league move of putting out goons to end a game. The Bruins have spent the better part of a century trying to smother the Canadiens in their sleep. There is no respect on their part, and as such, they deserve no respect in return. It's possible that the Bruins will win handily tonight; that they will bully and beat the Canadiens in scrums and on the scoreboard. That won't garner respect. Better Bruins teams than this one have fallen at the final hurdle. The Bruins have tried to be executioners to the Canadiens for their entire sorry existence and HAVE NEVER FINISHED THE JOB.  One should not respect an executioner.  One must refuse to be a victim.  Montreal time and again has refused.  They do so again tonight. 

My hate will die with you. - Robert the Bruce, Braveheart

Tonight, our hate lives again. Win or lose. First or second. Our hate sustains us until the next. Montreal has its weapons of choice. Boston has its own. Fuel for the Pretty Hate Machine is never in short supply. 

Hello... Timmeh: Bruins Preview and Open Thread

Hello... Timmeh

Ah, a nemesis. There's nothing quite like a rivalry to get your blood going. We've talked a lot around here about how much we loathe the Bruins, but, truth be told, I somehow feel that the Habs' storied dynasty wouldn't be as much fun without our perennial whipping boys in black and gold.

I mean, even when the Habs suck enough to let the Bs actually win a game or, horrors, a playoff series, we know it's only a temporary setback and that soon, the Natural Order of Things will reestablish itself. I think that was why the 2009 playoffs were so painful. We were worried that maybe our domination had come to an end.

So, here's to you, Bs. You are the Newman to our Jerry. We hope to continue our kickage of your collective asses (8-1-0 in our last 9 games vs. Boston) tonight.

But even if we don't, we know it's not forever and we'll get your black & gold asses and your shaved gorilla next game. It's only a matter of time...

***********************

If Newman were to have a career in broadcasting, would he work for TSN or RDS?: Game starts at 7:00 on RDS and TSN. Seriously not sure which feed to watch - both aggravate me to no end. Why can't we just get a channel with the noise from the rink and that's it? I think it would be more informative than Benoit's bullshit and McSplooge's, well, splooging...

Climbing trees like a "ring-tailed lemur" (a skill they learned in the Pacific Northwest): Wait a second, the Habs could pull even with the Bruins in the Northeast with a win tonight? Whoa. Crazy. And PK is on a 3-game point streak, so apparently he's not as much of an "asshole" as some moronic (and likely racist - yeah, I said it) scabs would have us believe...

Hiding bags of mail in the storage locker: Well, the Habs didn't suck on Saturday, but they laid a big 'ol turd on Sunday. So, while no one will go into this column, yet, you're on notice... Habs.

Broken, like a bar code reader on Publisher's Clearing House Day: Marc Savard has a concussion. Again. Dude, for the love of humanity, please retire before you're sucking all of your meals out of a straw for the rest of your life. We keep getting teased that Squid will be making a triumphant return back into the lineup, but, at this point, I'd lay better odds on the Tooth Fairy ringing my doorbell and offering me some money for my wisdom teeth. I'd talk about missing Markov and Gorges, but it still brings a tear to my eye.

Newman-esque proportions: I would post a link towards fat chick porn, but a) I'm grossed out by what I'm seeing with my Google search and b) Habs don't need a slumpbuster right now after having served once again as the Devils' perennial slumpbusters on Sunday.

Besides, I'm not in the mood after hearing that the NHL only gave Cooke a 4-game suspension for his ridiculously dirty hit. Does someone have to impale another player's head on their hockey stick in order for the League to wake the fuck up and protect its players, already?? Why isn't the NHLPA doing anything about this, dammit??

Okay, kids - have at it! Give us your super-sized thoughts about nemeses and all things hockey in the comments.

A Swift Review: Price and the Lilluputians Down Giant Bruins on their Travels (Habs 3 Bruins 1)

Too busy to write a review today folks, so I've turned it over to our Sexy Friday correspondent, noted satirist and famed skewer of Kings, Johnathan Swift, (not to be confused with noted stopper and saviour of the LA Kings Jonathan Quick.) 

• Yeah, verily, on this most glorious of days (any dawning of the morn after a win versus ye auld enemy the Bruins of Olde Towne Boston is, truly, the most glorious of days, my friends) let us tarry and wax poetic about all that was excellent last evening, the day of Remembrance:
• Who amongst thou wouldst turn thy noses up at a further five regular season conflagrations, and a further dalliance with ye auld enemy in Ursine colours in the playdowns for that most hallowed of goblets, Lord Stanley's Cup? Not I, forsooth. Give me a veritable plethora of such examples of ice skating majesty and I will turn all the Colonies of the Americas on to this Nordic game of skill and speed in a fortnight.
• Hath thou every been privy to such a duel of young masters such as that proffered by young Saviour of yon Habitants Carey Price, Esq.,and his counterpart in the Olde Towne Team's gilded cage mask, Mr. Tuukka Rask, Esq.? Fie on those who wish other than to bear witness to a decade of these two premier puck preventers facing off in glorious bleu, blanc et rouge and sinister noire et or, for glory and the challenge of Northeastern Supremacy. I tell you, that pie-shaped Tim Thomas can off to the colonies of New France's Southern ports to play with the Bossier-Shreveport Mudbugs forthwith.
• Yon former denizens of the Garden State of New Jersey hath thrown off the shackles of their oppressive slumps and both slyly slid the round disk of vulcanized rubber into the vainly guarded goal. Huzzah!! Well taken, Messrs Gionta and Gomez.
• A jaunty tip of the three-cornered hat and a click of my buckled shoe to others who shone as bright at the sun on the Union Jack last eve, including young Master PFK, whose display of strong armed tiptoeing across the blueline whilst holding off Boston defenders as the East India Company holds back the pirate hordes is a sight to behold; to our brave friend from the Court of Katherine the Great Mr. Markov, who is rounding into top form; to our unsung and brave footsoldiers Darche, Halpern, Eller, Pyatt, Spacek and Hamrlik. A special huzzah reserved for the resurrected Chicken, who is trying to marry his considerable talents to the hardwork of a London dockworker to good results.
• Sadly, all is not tea and crumpets, as our fiery Gallic saviour Mad Max seems a shadow of himself still. Perhaps a dram of mead and some figgy pudding in the observer's box for a match or two would reignite his passions!
• Our stratagists often receive the sharp barbs of our whipped tongues, but last night our generals Chocula, Pearn and Muller laid forth a plan that rivals those of Wellington versus Napoleon. Well played, yon goodly leaders of men! Master Julien was right soundly matched.
• A pair of markers whilst enjoying a rules based numerical advantage? A perfect defense of same numerical disadvantages? A barrage at the opposing goal that resembled the volley of arrows that the Spartans faced at the gates of Thermopylae? Ye Gods, I approve heartily!
• Wouldst thou like to celebrate Sexy Friday with a Sexy Pirate? Does a Jacobite toast the King over the water?

If we flame out, let's at least do it in style - Bruins Game 3 Preview and Open Thread

I see your calls for Marisa Miller, and raise you four other Victoria's Secret models

"Jesus, I hope they win tonight, if only to salvage some pride. And enough of the cheapshot bullshit; you're the Montreal Canadiens. Act like it."
-HF10, in a morning email

I hope 10 will forgive me for using his email without permission, but it so perfectly summed up my feelings going into this game tonight. The Montreal Canadiens are not playing like the Montreal Canadiens. Have some fucking pride. Skate. Work. Follow Métro's example. Play hard, play fair. DON'T FUCKING TAKE STUPID PENALTIES. Well, unless you want to jab your stick in Chara's neck. Then feel free. Some very very quick bullets to set the table:

• 7 PM start at the Phone Booth. Over / under on the sound of the first booing from Habs fans? I've got 7:24;
• I think by now you should know all the B's blogs to read;
• Habs have come back from a 2-0 series deficit five times in their history, most notably in 2004 against the Bruins;
  
• Bob was totally silent after the morning skate today on his line-up. No mention of goalies, Tits, Daggers, or anything. Maybe hiding the surprise return of Lang?
• Post-game adult entertainment has been suspended pending the Fucking Habs ability to show they can actually win a hockey game.

You've got 7 hours left to get drunk before the game kids. Make 'em count.

Put up your dukes, bitCHes, things are getting ugly and it's only the Game 2 Preview and Open Thread

That was quite a little ending to Game 1, wasn't it? As HF10 so level-headedly put it yesterday, "neutral corners 'til Saturday, all." Well it's Saturday. Time to come out fighting.

The ending of Game 1 had it all. Well, except an actual fight. DOOM's face wash / eye gouge. Kosto's flying elbow. Kovalev's stick thief (kudos to Stanley Cup of Chowder for tracking down the fan). The whole melee started by Mad Max being Mad Max. And I would love to give you my take on the whole thing, except for one serious problem.

I totally missed it.

As soon as the empty-netter went in, I got up in a huff and went to the bathroom (2 Boréales and 4 Irish Whiskeys; please note the bizarre coincidence between those numbers and the final score). As I walked out of the room, I changed the channel. I was so annoyed at the loss, I couldn't take dealing with any discussion of the game. I think I turned on 30 Rock, but not even Alec Baldwin could make me laugh at that point. I was angry, and my hate of the Bruins was reaching HF10-level proportions. And the Bruins didn't really do anything wrong. I just fucking hate losing to them so much. So please, Fucking Habs, take this one tonight so I can know it's a series. Crush those fucking bitCHes. Here's some bullets to set up the fight for you:

• 8 PM start in Boston. You hear that, EIGHT PEE EM. An extra hour to drink pre-game!
• My new thing is to watch RDS during play, then immediately switch to CBC when I hear a whistle to avoid hearing Benoit speak. It's heaven;
• The Big Bad Bruins brings the homerism, but bring it with teh funneh so I can live with it;
• The line-up at practice yesterday was the same as the Game 1 lineup;
• I make the hot Habs as the Métro-Higgy-Tangy line. Fuck those guys were fun to watch;
• In the so beyond cold he may really actually be dead department, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only ZombiePleks! I like what Bob said yesterday, "he's our only option at centre." Nice vote of confidence there;
• As a little aside, have you heard the Habs are for sale? Bring on Céline! Well as it turns out, George Gillett doesn't want to sell. He just wants someone to give him cash for minority interests in his three sports teams. Serge Savard, NASCAR owner!
• In the vaguely good news department, Andrei Markov has been skating;
• For your fight-based post game adult entertainment, check out Ultimate Surrender (majorly NSFW).

Take your best shots in the comments

Bruins 4, Habs 2: Everyone Go to Your Corners and Come Out Irrational!

I've already read a lot about last night's game, and the consensus seems to be that the Habs can take some sort of moral victory away from their 4-2 ("3-2 with an empty netter!" you might say) loss to the Bruins last night. Price played pretty well, the Canadiens didn't wilt under the B's physical pounding, BGL was a relatively effective foil for Chara, and but for a stupid penalty by Josh Gorges, or a late whistle on the first goal, or terrible reffing, the Habs had the Bruins. "A couple of bounces" you say ... "one more call going our way" ...

Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Fucking bullshit. This series might not go five.

The Sky is Falling: They lost. To the Bruins. Chara was dominating, Kessel was flying, Lucic levelled a dozen people. The Habs spent huge chunks of time scrambling in their own end. Breezer was a fucking abomination, ZombiePleks was/is a fucking disgrace, D'Agostini looks like a career AHLer and Big Tits has lost the plot being stuck with those two millstones. BGL on the first line was a nice change-up that messed with Chara's head ... but Koivu and Kovy essentially played shorthanded on offense. Every time the Bruins looked interested, they nearly ran the Habs out of the building. The first Bruins goal was a gong show, with FOUR Canadiens allowing Krejci and Kessel to pop the puck loose and put it in. Argue whether the whistle was late all you want, but that was a joke. The bottom line from my point of view was this: The Bruins played like crap for long stretches and still won. The Canadiens played as well as they could (save for a couple of bounces) and still lost.

I'll get to the shit at the end of the game in a moment, but believe me, if it wasn't getting it's own paragraph, it would be in this section.

Plan a very short, token Parade: That was a hell of a performance from Price (not properly covering pucks notwithstanding.) He played calm, and looked square to the shooter. He made some very nice stops and gave the Habs a chance to win. If he keeps it up, the Habs won't suffer the humiliating beat down that every expert has predicted. The BGL experiment was an inspired gamble by Bob; it worked to a point. The Metro/Higgins/Tanguay line looked fantastic. The defence held its own under an onslaught of large, angry black and gold wearing fuckers carrying sticks. There are things the Habs can work on. It might just be too late for this year. At the very least, the Bruins know that they can be beaten. That's something positive, I guess.

And now, we come to the ranting, WTF is anyone thinking? portion of our program: Oh hell. Where do I start with this one? The bullshit at the end of last night's game has caused pretty well everyone to voice an opinion, and let's just say there is quite a range of viewpoints. Robert L at Eyes on the Prize has one viewpoint. Stanley Cup of Chowder has a different one. Naturally, Habs-haters worldwide can't resist jumping into the fray . Here's what I think:

I love Robert L's passion for the Habs and think his site is a treasure trove of history, game talk, and general Habs love. But he's off his rocker blaming that scrum on anyone other than Mad Max. I don't see Kessel saying or doing anything to warrant Lapierre's idiotic "message sending", and while I hate his Cro-Magnon guts, I see nothing wrong with Lucic jumping in to defend his team's leading goalscorer. Unless we discover Kessel insulted his Mom and sister, Lapierre acted like a classless shit.

I appreciate most of what Greek Lightning does for the Canadiens, but his brain must have left his body before he tried to throw that elbow at the end of the game. When you've already levelled someone from behind in a nationally televised game this year, you might not want to pull more stupid shit. Now, that being said, I've watched Greek Lightning for two full years in a Habs jersey and those are the only two times I've thought "oh fuck, that wasn't right", so everybody needs to lay off the "he's the scum of the earth" stuff. There's a big difference between Daniel Carcillo or Ryan Hollweg and Greek Lightning.

Ah, DOOM. Was it an eye gouge or a facewash? It looked a lot like DOOM, his arms being held by the ref, was pawing at Hunwick and got him in the eye. Intentional eye gouge? I hope not. But where is this camera angle where Hunwick is being held by anyone? In the video I see DOOM's arms mostly tied up and Hunwick's not. Later, there is a linesman between them, and DOOM definitely fires some punches into Hunwick (and Hunwick looks like he's trying to fire back.) I'm not arguing that he didn't do it, but somebody needs to stop fucking crying that DOOM took on a defenseless child in a streetfight. Fuck me, last week DOOM got mugged from behind by that asshole Lucic while he was tussling with Thornton and his face got shoved to the ground Steve Moore style. No outrage? Of course not. Habs haters are too busy cuing up the time Lucic beat a one-armed Komisarek and claiming he never drops the gloves.

Anyway, it all makes Saturday very interesting, and it gives all of us internet experts one more thing to bitch about. Classless Habs fans? Thug Bruins fans? No dog in this fight Leafs fans? Neutral corners 'til Saturday, all. (Hey, at least there won't be any ratings arguments about which team is getting the national broadcast, right?)

Ten More Things I Hate About ... The Boston Bruins

Photo courtesy of fellow Bruin hater and valued commenter LG77

It's the playoffs, and it's Habs vs Bruins. While we reserve a special place in our hate-filled little hearts for the B's all through the year, the springtime is when we ratchet the hate to new, bile-filled levels. And even though we did this last year, there's plenty more to hate about our black and gold suited bastard Original Six foes. Thank God for Vermont, otherwise the Massholes would be right across the border.

Ten More Things I Hate About The Boston Bruins

10. Donald. S. Cherry. Sinden and the Bruins gave this xenophobic, loud mouth ignoramus his first shot at the big time, and ever since he blew the too-many-men-on-the-ice game he's been an annoying dick. Thanks, Boston.

9. Hey, speaking of moronic talking heads on the CBC who used to bleed black and gold, it's Mike Milbury! Look Milbury, we all know you hate the Habs. We all know you held a grudge against Lafleur for so long you refused to name him to the All-Star team until the NHL stepped in and made you. We just don't need to hear you rip the Habs every time you open your mouth, especially when they AREN'T EVEN FUCKING PLAYING.

8. Last time we hated on the Bruins, someone mentioned I missed hating one Ken "The Rat" Linesman. Consider that snivelling, dirty little fucker duly noted and hated on. Bonus hate points for the fact that Linesman was a Bruin, Leaf and a Flyer. You can't get much more hated than that around here.

7. Stan Jonathan. Butch Bouchard. Fuck. Every time the Bruins and Habs get into it, some idiot Bruins fan brings up the night Jonathan demolished Bouchard. I assume it's because it was the only thing the Bruins won vs the Habs in 45 years.

6. The Richard Riot happened after a brawl with the Bruins went off the rails. Coincidence? I like to think not. Rocket should have found Hal Laycoe in the parking lot and eaten his heart.

5. We're at number 5 and we still haven't mentioned this. Good God. The mustard yellow. The jagged edge. The lame fonts. The severed Yogi Bear head. You're a goddamn original six team, for the love of Guy. Have some dignity.

4. This whole Michael Ryder was disrespected crap is starting to piss me off. Robert L has the right take on it here. Ryder, his lousy plus minus and his one-dimensional game can bite me at this point.

3. The night the lights went out in the Garden during the Finals ... seriously? A pro sports franchise can't even keep the fucking power going? Oh, wait, the Garden was old, you say? That was the problem, you say? Listen, the lights in Fenway don't just randomly go out and it's older than the Garden was. The fucking Bruins were too damn cheap to renovate, that's the problem. That night made the entire NHL look fucking bush league.

2. Look at the roof of the Bell Centre. 24 Cup banners, 14 numbers retired for 15 players. The Bruins? 5 Cup banners. 10 retired numbers. Banners for President's trophies ... conference championships ... division titles ... the only things missing up there are the banners for the third place finish Esposito had in a hot-dog eating contest in 1969 and Tim Thomas's first runner-up ribbon from a Drew Carey look-a-like competition held in Cleveland in 1997.

1. It's the playoffs, Habs vs Bruins, and I haven't read anyone, anywhere, who thinks Montreal can win. I hate that most of all.

32nd Semi-Annual Habs-Bruins Playoff Preview: Goalies and D-Men

If the Fucking Habs are to have a chance at winning this series, TFS (tm) will have to be this hot.

Defense wins championships, as the cliche goes. Right now I'd settle for a first round series win - and if that's gonna happen, the Fucking Habs had better figure out a way to shut down the Broons second-ranked offense. Seriously. The Boo-ins finished right behind Detroit. So let's see how the goaltending and defense stack up.

Masked Men

The Good

TFS (tm) has played way better down the stretch and seems to have gotten his groove back. Halak is way better than Emmanual F.

The Bad

The Broons goalie duo of Tiny Tim and Manny the A-hole won the Jennings trophy for the team giving up the fewest goals. Tiny Tim will also likely be a Vezina trophy candidate (although Luongo is gonna win).

The Ugly

Montreal, on the other hand, finished 20th, giving up 51 more goals. Yeah, that sucks.

In fact, all the stats favour Boston, so lets forget about those.

The Prediction

Let's go with our gut, which tells us that TFS(tm) is going to play every game of this series like game 7 of last year. Meanwhile, Tiny Tim is going to play like a castoff from a second tier European team.

Just keep in mind that our guts have shit for brains.

Blueliners

The Good

Ummm...I think Bob will manage to find 6 healthy defensemen come Thursday. I think.

As dominate as Chara can be, he's also not the most mobile dude at 6'9, and skill guys like Kovy can make him look like Treebeard coming out of the corners. Although he pretty much always looks that way anyway.

The Bad

It starts and ends with the B's Shaved Gorilla. He'll probably play about 45 minutes a game, including all PPs and PKs. Really the Habs best bet is if he gets hurt again. (I hope BGL is reading this. If you are, Google "Bobby Clarke" and "Valeri Kharlamov".)

I hate to say it, but it's clear Montreal has no one to match Treebeard. Two weeks ago I'd have no problem saying that, as a unit, I'd pick Montreal's group 1 through 6 over the Broons collection of Treebeard and 5 guys no one outside Bahsten has ever head of, except maybe Wideman. But after the fucking Leafs game...well, just another reason to wish that Grabitchski gets gang raped in a Belorussian prison.

The Ugly

Markov is hurt and even if he plays he won't be the impact player he has to be. The Semetic Saviour has been an inspiration playing hurt, but a 39-year-old with a bad wing isn't going to carry a team into the finals. DOOM needs to play like he did last year, not the mediocre play of this season. And he needs to plant Lucic 5 times a game. Hamr's contract is looking like more and more of an albatross. I love Georges, but he's not a difference-maker. And if Breezer is among our leading scorers again...kill me now. Franky B is probably playing for a contract - and Rhino for a career - but neither is likely to have much of an impact, if they play at all.

The Prediction

I fucking hate to say this, but the Shaved Gorilla is the major difference here - unless someone can render him ineffective (read: Gillooly him). Of course, IF: Markov makes a miraculous recovery; Hamr forgets he's old; Gorges morphs into Guy Lapointe; and Breezer spontaneously combusts; THEN, we have a chance.

So what I'm saying is that we have hope.

And not much else.

FHF Rates the Supermodels, er, Previews Habs-Bruins: The Basics

Brooklyn Decker rates an 8 out of 10. She loses 2 points for agreeing to marry Andy Roddick

Welcome one and all to the always highly-anticipated FHF posting of hot chicks, er, playoff hockey analysis! The annual FHF board meeting / group meth binge has finally taken place, and the only thing we could all agree on through our meth-rage was that supermodels are super. So here they are.

Over the next couple of days we'll take a look at the forwards, D, goalies, and maybe some other crap in this epic battle that we've all seen before. We'll top it off on Thursday with our first ever sequel, "Ten More Things We Hate About the Bruins." To set it all up, here are some basic facts that you will not know if you have been hiding out at Chez Parée for the last 30 years, Actually, given the number of hockey players who go to Chez Parée, being in there for 30 years you probably know more about hockey than us:

• This Adams Division semi-final Eastern Conference quarter-final is a best of seven series in a 2-2-1-1-1 format (I told you these facts are basic). Who remembers the best of three series that existed in the 70's?
• A Habs-Bruins playoff series has happened thirty-one times already. 31! That's fucking INSANE. Habs have won 24 of the 31 including last year's, meaning... absolutely fuck all;
• Habs only managed one measly shootout win against the B's this year;
• Bruins ended up with 23 more points and 12 more wins than the Habs;
• With that said, DOOM had this to say about the series: "It doesn't really matter what's gone on in the season. What people care about is how you finish and what you do in the playoffs. We've accomplished our goal (of) extending our season and now that we're here, anything can happen. It's all about the now, not what's gone on in the past." Amen, brother. And we'll just ignore that "how you finish" part;
• Here's the series in a nutshell, courtesy Robert over at EOTP.

As HF10 said, it is so on, you black and gold wearing fuckers.

Seriously,

We weren't kidding. The Habs and their fans are coming to your town, and you cuddly, overrated, soon-to-be-exposed teddy bears are in for a right good ass-whupping, pundits be damned. Your black and gold wearing asses are getting fucking kicked all up and down the Causeway come Thursday, and not even your sainted Red Sox or Celtics will ease the pain. Book it, fuckers.

Dear Bruins,

This is you, 4 to 7 games from now. It is so on, you black and gold wearing fuckers.

We Still Loath the Broons, but Tonight's About the Penguins: Game Preview and Open Thread

After seeing this picture, Panger bought a Tuxedo and booked a flight to Antarctica.

Last game of the season? Wow, has it been 90 games (including 9 exhibition) already? It seems like just yesterday the Fucking Habs were getting pasted 8-3 by Boston in Halifax. It was September 22 you say? Wow. No more time t0 look back - although I'm sure that will happen soon enough - as the Fucking Habs must win today to avoid playing the Broons in the first round. Is facing the Ovie-led Caps any better? I say yes, because frankly I'm just sick of playing Boston, and if we lose to them (I have a sneaking suspicion this is not an upset year) I'll have to join HF10 in ritual hari-kari. Yes, we're both samurai.

Anywho, me likie the bullet points as much as HF29, so let's set up this regular season finale, FHF style:

• 7:00pm EDT/ 5:00pm MDT, Bell Centre, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, The World.
• Saturday night means CBC and RDS. Although I'm not sure if the Montreal game will be available anywhere but Quebec as the CBC will probably pimp two non-playoff Southern Ontario-based teams nationwide (I'll let you figure out which), giving Don Cherry one last chance to give the Leafs a verbal blowjob.
• I'm praying the this is the last regular season game for Homer Brunet. Fucking idiot. Please wake up, Mr. Head-of-RDS-On-Air-Talent, and bring back Yvon.
• While they are still officially in Fucking Habs territory with three straight losses, it was encouraging to see them outplay Boston in the last half of the game, and not fall for Boston's goonery/bafoonery. Speaking of which, I'm now officially gay for Micheal Komisarek: all is forgiven Doom. Just wanted to share.
• Oh, and before I forget: fuck that little fucktard Lucic and that Shaved Gorilla, Chara.
• After looking like they'd be playing golf come April only a couple of months ago, the Pens have a shot (albeit slim) at 4th. They've won 3 in a row and 7 of 10, and they've got something to play for. Terrific!
• Apparently Bob is panicin...err juggling his lines tonight: Saks plays with the Hands of Stone, BGL and Stewart (do we not have a nickname for this guy yet?), Metro plays with Kovy, Tangy gets a rest and Rhino gets his ass nailed to a press box seat. TFS (tm) starts - not surprising since he loves to play the guy who went higher than him in the 2005 draft.
• Headline: Penguins Summon Satan. I haven't even read it, but I can tell you that this is a great article, just for the title. Here's praying (pun intended) he signs with the Devils in the offseason. Of course I've said that for the last 10 years.
• ZombiePleks has now gone 12 straight without seeing red. But he promises he'll turn it on in the playoffs. Peest, Pleks: It's not a switch. It's called going to the net. Look into it. Big Tits has taken up residence in this bullet, too.
• Gino Malkin has to qualify as the hottest player in the league this season, as he leads Ovie by 4 points with a game left for each. Sid the Kid gets an honourable mention for sticking up for his league-leading teammate by fighting Keith Ballard. Here's the tape. I can only assume this is from a Cats broadcast because there is no way that Ballard "cleaned Crosby's clock". (And yes, broadcasters, when your team's leading scorer gets hammered, you DO have to respond.)
• After starting out hot playing next to Sid, Bill Guerin has come back to earth like John Glenn: too old to think he'll ever go back up. MA Fleury is cold, too, giving up 4 goals a game the past couple, with a GAA well below .900 (that's bad).
• For more Pens-friendly fare, follow Rhonda's Penguin Obsession.
• No strip club tonight kids, it's Holy Saturday. Go pray to your gods.

Two quizzes for the commentators tonight: first, who would you rather play, Boston or Washington, and show your work. Second, let's get Gregory Stewart a nickname, he's earned it.