Welcome goalie who will eat your children while they sleep!

Habs have announced the signing of goalie Curtis Sanford to a one-year, two-way deal. Financial terms of the deal yada yada.

In 19 games with the Canucks last year, Sanford posted a 7-8-0 record with a 2.59 GAA and .906 save%. Hey, that's alright. We'll just ignore the back spasms and groin that put him on IR. And we won't even mention his just-above Panger-esque stature.

With Marc Denis gone, Sanford will either be the number one guy in Hamilton or the backup to TFS after we package Jaro, Pleks, two defencemen and a prospect for a less zombie-like center. Or he's just a little insurance.

The mask comes from his nickname "The Sandman." Unfortunately he doesn't wear it anymore after he had a contest for fans to design his new mask last year. But if you think we're gonna pass up the chance to say "Sandman" so we can post the video below, you're crazy. Wake the fuck up.

Welcome Depth Defenceman!... and Sexy Friday!

In Bob We Trust just signed someone named Paul Mara. He's 29, 6'4, shoots left, and enjoys long walks in the park.

Start planning the parade.

UPDATE: This post has been Sexy Friday'd by HF29. Meet Alexis Skye, who's also 6'4". She shoots left as well, and enjoys laying her tits on top of the heads of 5'8" forwards.

UFA Review: In Gainey We (continue to) Trust

So Habs GM Bob Gainey's big signing in the UFA sweepstakes was ...Georges Laraque.

No Mats. No Hossa. No problem.

While some in Montreal are all in a tizzy over the Habs striking out on Hossa and Sundin (possibly) - some even suggesting that the playing field needs to be equalled by giving Canadian teams more cap space - the fact is the Habs can be better than last year with this line up. If Mats does end up signing, it will be (barring injury blah blah blah).

Alex Tanguay is a HEE-Yuge improvement over Milk Carton Mike. Dance a dix is intact - thanks to a great deal with Big Tits - Gainey's best signing so far. Little Tits and maybe Tenderness occupy the third line wings, while Slowinski's 3rd line centre spot will hopefully be upgraded by My Boy Chips' emergence as a full-time NHLer - a centre that can get from point A to point B on the ice without the help of a walker. Laraque, all 6'3, 243-pounds of muscle, will be a welcome addition to a line up that relied on 6-foot 200-pound Greek Lightening to fight it's battles - yes, yes, Komo and Rhino are huge, but the team needs them on the ice, not the sin bin. The French interconnection Forth line (Bagin'/El Dandy/Mad Max/Georgy Boy) plus Greek Lightening is serviceable and can certainly play with the big boys - unlike the days when Patrick Poulin patrolled one of those wings.

On "D", nothing much had changed except for the loss of part time forward Swiss Mister. Arguably, his blueline spot presumably being taken by Rhino results in an upgrade in team defence, but that was not what the Swiss Mister was all about: the Habs are losing an integral part of their #1-in-the-league powerplay. And unlike last year after Sheldon Souray's departure, there does not appear to be any natural replacement. Only Markov is truely an offensive defencemen on this blueline (all due respect to Hamr, but those days are behind him). Anyone out there relying on the inevitable return of Breezer and his playoff point work? Didn't think so. In terms of minor league options, Mathieu Carle is probably a year away. Hopefully, as we at FHF dearly pray, the Subbanator grabs a roster spot - along with, presumably, most of the microphones in the dressing room. Of course, he's going to have to fight Georgy Boy for them.

So who's left? My pick would be Jason Williams, formerly of Chicago. He's a winger, but plays the point on the power play. He's relatively young at 27, and unlike Slowinski, has wheels on the ice. Plus, he would be a good addition to the 3rd line, allowing Tenderness to slip down to the 4th line - a kick in the ass that he needs, IMHO.

There's also Bryan Berard. To that, I say: In Gainey We Trust. Then again, I also called Slowinski a "journeyman" who Gainey wouldn't touch last off season - and that's why none of the FHF are NHL general managers. Just in case you were wondering.

Next week: Brushes with Habs' Greatness - Brent Bilodeau Edition (yes, seriously)

TMS Reports on UFA Eve Live from Sweden

This is Elin Nordegren, a.k.a. Tiger Woods' wife. It would be quite easy to dream of her while missing these bullet points about possible Sundin-related items...

• "Mats Sundin in no rush to decide his playing future." There's a quality lame excuse to post a hot Swedish chick of a TSN headline;
• Lightning sign Ryan Malone and Gary Roberts away from the Pens. Sure, you need some players, but 7 years $31.5 mill for Malone? Does the NHL have a salary cap or no?
• Speaking of $$$, 5 mill per year for Jeff Carter???
• TMS would like to take a moment to say goodbye to Michael Ryder. We still don't know which female relative of Carbo you slept with to piss him off so, but we always liked you, even when we called you Milk Carton Mike.

Just 20-something hours left til the frenzy begins. Stay tuned to FHF for all the breaking news from Sweden.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, July 4th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of the U.S.A. taking over our game (though I would sure love if they took over our Sportscentre)...

• The Habs finally make a big signing, and it's Tom Kostopolous! All our problems are solved;
• Flames get Iginla and Regehr to sign long extensions;
• The Gazette's Pat Hickey recaps Gainey's press conference from yesterday. Bob's basically done spending. Bring on 10th place.

Well with the Habs' UFA season essentially over, FHF can now turn to important questions, like will Kobayashi's jaw injury be a factor in today's hot dog eating contest. Happy 4th of July to all the U.S. hockey fans out there. May all your game feeds be from the CBC, unless it's Cole-Neale announcing.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, July 3rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the Habs playing in the second round of the playoffs. Man our expectations have been lowered...

• The author of The MS is on vacation and thus The MS will be a little late this week, or not posted at all, depending on the hangover level;
• You've time-travelled back to 1996. Scroll down to the next post if you don't believe me;
• Apparently, Souray refused a four-year, $22 million offer from the Habs. Insert Mrs. Souray or child support joke here;
• Nylander to the Caps, Lang to the Hawks, Handzus to the Kings, Bertuzzi to the Ducks. We're getting down to the dregs now for the Habs.

Alrighty we're still waiting for Bob to find some scoring. Check back for all the FHF snark when we decide Pierre Turgeon is the anwer to all our problems.

Free Agent Frenzy III: No Big Name UFA's at Chez Paree This Year

After Panger reported on the big Rangers splash last night, by this morning it looks like the Habs have lost out on two more big names as Ryan Smyth goes to Colorado and Paul Kariya goes to the Blues. Not that I wanted Kariya, but boy Smyth would have been nice.

So the only real viable big name left looks like Nylnader. But he's not big or physical and is 34. Habs need some scoring dammit. Yeesh. Maybe we can get Mickey Ribs back in a trade. [[pauses to clean vomit off of keyboard]]

Free Agent Frenzy I: Bye Brière, We Hardly Knew Ya

Thank goodness I didn't live blog the 2 hours of TSN's Free Agent Frenzy, because nothing happened. No really, nothing.

But later in the day Brière signed with the Flyers, for 8 years and $52 million. 10 mill in the first year!!! In related news, Francophone media in Montreal begin drinking heavily.

Elsewhere, Red Wings get Raflski and Ducks get Schneider. Flyers, Red Wings, SoCal. Yup, parity in the NHL is working.

The Big Day Is Finally Here!

So after a well-deserved day off prior to the big day, the FHF is back for, well, the big day. It's about an hour until the UFA period begins, and we're giddy with excitement!

Teams are made or broken on this day. Well, maybe that's an exaggeration, but one good UFA signing can change a team as easily as one bad signing can.

TSN's Free Agent Frenzy will be on in the background as we do laundry and clean the bathroom today, so we'll pop in with insta-analysis of any news possibly as it happens.

Oh yeah, and it's lke, our national holiday or something. Happy Canada Day, eh?

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, June 27th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Kyle Turris' mom...

• St. Patrick weighs in on Espo falling to 20 and the Habs not picking him. Obviously supports his boy. Go hit the parking lot, Paddy;
• Habs extend qualifying offers to a bunch of players, including Ryder, Plekanec, and exiled-t0-Russia Alex Perezhogin;
• Vinny Damphousse leaves the NHLPA to focus on his Scandinavian spa business. Saskin politics vs. massages from tall blonde women - tough choice;
• Columbus blog German Village Media breaks down Simmons' NHL Draft diary better than we did, AND with random photos of hot chicks instead of our Larry Legend photo;
• Panger brought you part one of the Tom Clancy thriller The Hunt for Red First Line Center;
• We can now start counting down to the UFA period in hours instead of days - 88. Hmm, Lindros fits Panger's description of what we need in a 1st line center;
• HF33 is back after being on IR with a lower-body injury, the NHL code for spending too much time in a strip club.

Be sure to check back in the coming days. With HF33 back on the ice, Panger readying part two of the thriller, and the long-awaited world premiere of HF10, it's sure to be busier than a newly-released Paris' social calendar.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, June 26th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the parade on the usual route...

• The language debate of the draft rages on. The Gazette's Pat Hickey defends Bob, while the RDS.ca commentors are at each other's throats as usual;
• The "Should we have drafted Esposito?" debate seems like it will rage 'til the end of time. Marc De Foy of Le Journal de Montréal is actually the voice of reason and is telling people to chill out;
• Fuck the draft. It's over. Timmins and Bob know what they are doing, so let's move on to the UFA period, a mere 4-day work week away;
• Finally, special thanks to HF29's work colleague and D.C.-based HF Wendell, who designed our awesome new header. Really brings out the Youpster's eye colour.

The FHF wil be checking in all week with UFA analysis and snark. The Habs' 15-year search for a first-line center drags on.