Ladies and gentlemen, it's our 24.39% season evaluations (and a Canes open thread)

7:30 tonight at the Phone Booth, Habs get one chance to win this week before they get crushed by the Caps and Wings this weekend. Gionta is out, Rhino not quite ready. Consider that your preview. Now on to the reason you're all here. Boredom at work.

Yes, it's the one-quarter season player review! Of course, it's not quite one-quarter, more like, oh, I don't know, 24.39% (rounded). We all said we'd give this team 20 games before really evaluating them. Well, those 20 games have come and gone, so it's time to bring on the fucking expletives. We're using our FHF-trademarked scale of zero to 5 Bertrand Raymonds, representing how well the player is living up to the past of nos glorieux. On to the ratings!



Pleks - RIP ZombiePleks? The only player that belongs here. The only player that shows up and scores game in, game out. Leads the team in scoring despite having NO WINGERS. I repeat, NO WINGERS. It's like last year didn't happen. I'm still freaked out by the whole thing.



Squid - just behind Pleks in scoring. Leads the team in goals with 8, but I feel he hasn't really exploded, know what I mean? (Not a sexual euphemism. Or is it?)

Gionta - right there with Pleks in the "show up for every game" department. Just make him captain already.

Métro - 10 points for a supposed 3rd / 4th liner is fucking top notch. Time on the PP, and making the most of it.

Please Hamr don't hurt 'em - in case you hadn't noticed (and you hadn't, which is the sign of a solid D), he's our #1 D now. Putting in major minutes in Vodkov's absence, and playing his heart out. Mostly.



MOEmaN - a pleasant surprise. Maybe slowed down recently, but still working. Unlike some people.

The goalies - I think this seems reasonable. TFS may have had a struggle or two and some bad luck, but overall (especially after facing 55 shots Saturday), he seems alright. Jaro pley weel. All in all, seems like a serviceable tandem.


The M in GMS - six or seven games ago he would have been 3 or even 4 BR's, but lately, ugh. Well not really ugh, more like invisible. Turning into a waste of $8 mill in cap space?

USS Hal Gill - I have no fucking clue what to make of him. Some games he seems like a functional D, other games, well, less so.

The Urologist - got half a BR for a good nickname. Some whacky passes and defensive gaffes have him as the prime candidate for Panger's trunk.

Other 2 BRs - Jaro 2.0 (maybe 2.5 BRs), PatCHes, Gorges


Mad Max - Bertrand's wet dream is a fucking nightmare.

Our boy CHips - Zero points and -8. Yet there was a stretch there when I thought he played well, and might deserve 2 BRs, and was getting screwed with the lineup as usual.

Tits - Oh Andrei, we're rooting for you, we really are. But you're not making it easy.

Other 1 BRs - Dagger, Mara


Gui:( - 'STIE CALICE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Every chance in the world and you have 3 points in 20 games. On pace for a 12.3 point season. Well done.

Incompletes - Markov, Rhino. BGL, Leach, Stewie, Carle, Pyatt, White, Belle, Weber. Is that everyone?

Please disagree with my ratings in the comments. Personally, I trust Panger's hockey analysis more than my own. Either way, which Hab will bump up his BR rating for the half season review? I'm sure a WhalerCanes game will clear it all up.

TMS Looks Back at the (FHF) Season That Was

Whew. 82 games, 620 FHF posts. That's alot of snark, bullet points and strippers. My arms are tired. And my brain hurts. And it's not the meth. As our pre-playoffs respite begins Day 2, let's look back at the season that was through the lens of the FHF's Greatest Hits (So Far):

And yea, the emails begat the blog and the blog began. And nay, the people did not read nor comment. And yea, we thought we would chronicle the Habs sucking. That would have been funnier.

And yea, the first half-naked woman doth appeared for no reason. And there was much rejoicing. The off-season dragged on, we posted Angelica Bridges. And there was much rejoicing. We signed Breezer. And there was, uh, less rejoicing.

Panger, looking for an off-season UFA center, descibed Slowinski as a journeyman, and said "and Gainey ain't looking for no journeymen." If you say so Panger. Koivu had a tough off-season with the press, and HF33 showed he was the thoughtful one around here. But he quickly put that to rest when he said "Hate brings in traffic. Let them hate" - and there was trouble. Later in the season we hated the Flyers, and the Philly fans were strangely quiet.

As the season approached, the stripperriffic ratings were born. And we'd never be the same. Yours truly re Milk Carton Mike in our previews: "He’s the only 'natural' scorer we’ve got." Riiiiight. HF10 had the sense to say about Big Tits "I think the Habs have a future star on their hands and I can’t wait to see what he can do on a scoring line." Well done sir!

The season started sort of blech, highlighted by an OT loss to the Leafs. But very soon after, the Franchise Saviour was born. We were brought back down to Earth by the Sens, and SLC and his gambling ways. HF10 cheered us up with some killer Leafs-bashing disguised as satire, and the FHF revealed its superstitions in the form of pectoral muscles.

Larry Robinson's #19 was retired, and HF33's mom may or may not have had sex with him. Later in the year, Bob Gainey's #23 was retired, and the Habs celebrated by sucking.

The season dragged on through December, and we discovered HF33 was a Sopranos fan. The Habs were embarassed by the Wings. The bottom of the barrel had been reached. But could Little Tits light the way? Pairs of tits would quickly light the Philly sky.

[[As we pause for a commercial break, like the Oscars, here's the death montage. Quite a sad year for the Habs family, and we treid to always capture their spirit. John Ferguson. Sam Pollock. Tom Johnson. Kenny Reardon.]]

The New Year brought Andrei Markov, All-Star. It also brought Mickey Ribs, All-Star. Fuck you, you fucking ungrateful little fuckity-fuck.

Bob's first-half report gets lost in the translation. Mom of HF29 tells it like it is after her wonderful yet unmarried and no grandchildren lawyer son takes her to a game. With the Habs beating the Devils, the impossible was now possible. Talk about impossible - the FHF had a threeway.

As February began, the Sens continued to spank us, and our season was turning into a big fat ass. Especially with Rhino the purse snatcher. But we were rescued by Big Tits and his "Orrvechkin" miracle goal. Then Jaro speek for feerst time, and an internet sensation was born. And the Habs miraculously came back against the Rangers, and we all knew we could sleep with the hottest chick in the room.

The trade deadline came and went, with the Habs dumping HueT (we miss that "T" *sniff*) and we cried when Hossa went to the Pens. But the ship stayed afloat, and HF33 asked world leaders if the Habs were really that good. As March began, a long-awaited win against the Devils showed we were.

As the season wound down, Habs headed West and took some time off to masturbate. We still couldn't beat the Sens, and had moments of sucking late into March. But 8-0 against the Broons was a tonic, and we clinched a playoff spot by finally beating the Sens. And soon we'd clinch the divsion the same way. And we clinched the Conference by having an afternoon nap.

And yea, HF33 begat HF4. And it was good.

See you in the playoffs. Can you fucking believe that? Go hockey.