Happy Birthday Rogie Vachon

I know it's his birthday because it's also mine. Me, Rogie and Pink. I think I'm the most famous one. This video is all kinds of awesome. Well except for Leafs scoring. But even I cannot deny the awesomeness of the Mike Palmateer mask at the end.

/returns to hangover (these might help)

This pic works on so many levels

What's the opposite of "winning!"? via

Oh and Die Bruins Die. If they win a Cup I'll be sick. Fucking un-suspended Nathan Horton. Fucking Shit fuck fuck.

Never fuck with a winning streak - Leafs preview and open thread

Look, if a wet shirtless actor stud was responsible for victory the last time we played the Leafs, I am not gonna be the one to step on the streak here. Apologies to you ladies if this is not to your liking, but from the reactions of my female friend I used to watch Lost with whenever Sawyer appeared shirtless, this should be alright.

I would replicate the style of LG77's preview to really not fuck with the streak, but Josh Holloway's resume is pretty thin compared to Hugh Jackman. We'll have to make do with the old-fashioned stripperriffic format.

Waiting in line details - 7:30 PM start from the Bell, on TSN-Habs and some Sportsnets, but who knows which ones and what blackouts will be in effect. Possibly on in other places, but you didn't here that from us. Tronna 6-2-2 in their last 10, they're the GREATEST TEAM IN THE UNIVERSE. Teams have split four so far this year, with the home team winning all the games. According to TSN/CBC, the Leaf is in the playoffs and will win two rounds before an illegal Flyer hit takes out the best Leaf player (TBD) and robs them of the Stanley Cup. In all seriousness (ha!), they really are only 6 points out of 8th in the East with a game in hand. Ugh.

Pay your cover charge to - We've barely had any interaction with PPP lately. Sometimes, mommy and daddy just don't love each other anymore and grow apart.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Hysterically, the Faceoff preview page lists absolutely no one as hot. I'm really not one to argue, though plenty of Habs (PFK, DDD, TFS, TITS TITS TITS) played well against the Nucks.

Hot sexy Leaves to watch - James Reimer is the GREATEST GOALIE IN THE UNIVERSE. Ke$$elTracker says Phil is the GREATEST FORWARD IN THE UNIVERSE. Brian Burke is the GREATEST GM IN THE UNIVERSE.

Skanky Habs to watch - PleXXXe pointless in 3, but he ain't no skank. I guess we'll see what Mex does tonight. He's always a candidate for skank.

Skanky Leafs to watch - Grabs pointless in 3, meaning he's sure to have a big breakout night tonight.

Not dancing due to too many vodka Red Bulls - Literally TFS, as his late night drinking has him benched in favour of Big Bald Alex Auld. This preview says Jaro 2.0 has gone on IR. Is that true? News to me. DarCHe is nursing a tweaked groin. With Jiggy and Gustavsson both hurt, GREATEST GOALIE IN THE UNIVERSE will start. Colton Orr is concussed.

Post-game adult entertainment - to make it equal for the guys, here's Sawyer's love (well, one of them) Kate taking her clothes off in the water.

See you bitCHes in the comments

Habs need a slumpbuster... Habs vs. Leafs Preview and Open Thread

Wow? Three losses in a row, eh?

So much for consistency... This whole great-month-followed-by-shitty-month pattern that they're setting is really starting to get on my last nerve.

So before things get completely shitty like they were before the December Road Trip of Death, behold the Habs slumpbuster for tonight's game.

The way I see it, they need all the help they can get. A fourth defeat in a row, at the hands of the Fugly Leaf no less, would be unacceptable.

But, if it happens, at least I can stare at the pretty that is Hugh Jackman...

*drool*

Oh... right... a preview... Okay, let's set this shit up.

IMDB information about the lovely Hugh: Puck drops after 7:00 at the Bell Centre. Game is probably on CBC, but why would a non-Leafs fan subject themselves to that dreck??

Hot like Hugh in Wolverine (Terrible movie, but he brought the purty. And the nekkid): Pleky has been playing like, well, Pleky, with four points in his last five games. Much as it pains me to admit it, Grabby the Bitch has been playing well for the Leaf, although "not being a minus in the past 7 games" seems like a pretty dubious accomplishment.

Cold like Hugh in Kate & Leopold: Losing a one-goal lead 3. Fucking. Times. To the worst team in the league? THE REST OF YOU BITCHES ARE ALL IN HERE. Especially you, Gomez. And you, Saggy Tits. What's worse, though: having them underperform for us, or trading them to another team where they will inevitably have 30 goal seasons? Hmm...

Injured like Hugh on Oprah: Apparently both Gill and Darche are out right now. Darche hopes to be back on Tuesday. Squid is still out. Either way, this means that our top 3 d0men Gill, Gorges and Markov are out of the lineup. In some ways, a prolonged losing streak seems inevitable.

Oh, and speaking of Markov - watching the Nos Canadiens featuring him yesterday was hearbreaking... in spite of how friggin' boring that guy seems to be. I mean, painfully shy Pleky (and his crazy hot and intelligent girlfriend) looked like a prize winning orator compared to Vodkov. Very sad.

Nekkid male celebrities (that still aren't as hot as Hugh): This is my gift to the ladies. Men, tolerate this. The male strippers worked last time against the Leaf... And we should do everything in our power to halt this slide before it gets truly scary.

Celebrity crushes? Hot Hot pic links to share? General bitching about all things Leaf? Talk about it all in the comments!

Habs/'Nucks Preview and Open Thread

Middle-aged Madison Avenue advertising executive Roger O. Thornhill (played here by Carey Price) is mistaken for a government agent by a gang of spies. He gets involved in a series of misadventures and is pursued across the States by both the spies and the government (Trevor Linden) whilst being helped by a beautiful blonde (not pictured, for some reason). As so begins the Hitchcockian adventure that is: NORTH(EAST) BY NORTHWEST showing exclusively at the Bell Centre tonight at 7pm EST/4pm PST

I bet TFS(tm) would have preferred running from government spies rather than continue to tend goal for the Habs over the last few games...

Finally, no more Tyler Myers or Alexi Kovalev or Charles Wang. Tonight the Habs play their first of 2 very special (i.e. league-mandated) all-Canadian matchups with the Stanley-Cup contender Vancouver Canucks. I throw in "Stanley Cup Contender" because there are lots of parallels and links between the teams, but that's not one of them:

• Both teams' most important players are their goaltenders, who were each prodigies and top-5 picks. Not just that, but each is from the other team's home province. Ooohhh, eerie.
• Both teams' attacks are led by twins: everyone knows about Daniel and Henrik, but it was recently discovered (not really) that Giant and Gomer are actually fraternal twin brothers from different mothers. While the Habs twin munchkins seem to have lost their traditional chemistry early this season, the Sedins are still rolling along together, as this **actual** photo shows:

• Both are getting unexpected scoring from late-signed third line centres (Halps and Manny Malhotra)
• Both have a disappointing veteran D (Jaro-that-should-have-been traded and Keith Ballard, who at least has the excuse of playing hurt)
• Both have underachieving "agitators" (aka "skating a-holes") in Mad Max and Alex Burrows
• Both have virtually identical average ages and sizes, and how the teams were assembles is eerily similar
• Apparently both fanbases are "annoying" - but this is coming from the Centre of the A-Hole Universe , so take it with a grain of salt. (Okay okay, the original article is from EPSN, but whatever - are you against the Leafs or not? That's what I thought.)
• Both have awesome strip clubs to relax at after games
• Vancouver is presently 6th overall in the NHL, Montreal 7th
• Vancouver stole one of the Canadiens nickname's for their own
• Vancouver stole one of Montreal's ex-coaches for their own
• Vancouver stole one of Montreal's best players - ever - when they reaquired Trevor Linden (okay maybe not, but I LOVE that guy. Ever since he won the Memorial Cup with the Medicine Hat Tigers I've been a fan, and ever since he got drafted I've had a soft spot for the Canucks)

Of course, these are all superficial similarities. Where is really counts - like for tonight's game - Montreal doesn't look so hot by comparison:

• Vancouver has won 6 in row and already scored 8 more goals
• The Sedins have 5 more points - each - than Turtlepleks
• Vancouver's "cold" list isn't virtually identical to their top two lines: besides TurtlePlek, all of Gomer, Giant, Squid and Big Tits closely resemble glaciers
• On the bright side, Vancouver's IR is longer that the Habs': top-4 D-men Dan Hamhuis and always injured Sami Salo are out. Unfortunately, Vodkov is playing like he's still on the IR - or he's just trying to make Jaro-we-should-have-traded feel better.
• Did I mention that only Vancouver can be considered a legitimate Stanley Cup contender? Oh, okay. Well it's still true.
• Have I also mentioned that SpaceKadet should have been traded instead of that other Jaro? Yeah well it needs to be said until someone listens, dammit. 

It's fair to say that this is a measuring stick game. No game 15 into the season can be said to be "key," but the Habs have already made one minor move by waiving Boyd. If they lose again tonight (say 7-1), heads might roll, or the Goat may even pull the trigger. I'm not sure about the last one - are we happy with the CHicken/Gui! trade again now with the "PhD" line and Gui! on the shelf? Whatever, I'm sure everything will be fine once they bench Gomer and promote Desharnais to the top line.

I just threw up a little in my mouth.

I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't be the last time I feel sick today. Share your nervous energy about this 'measuring stick' game in the comments.

The Hockey Sweaters - Canadiens at Leafs Game Preview and Open Thread

The winters were long, long seasons. We lived in three places - on the internet, in front of the tv, and at work or school. But our real life was on FourHabsFans. Real battles were won on FourHabFans. Real strength appeared on FourHabsFans. The real leaders showed themselves on FourHabsFans.

I remember very well the winter of 2010. We all wore the same uniform, the red, white and blue uniform of the Montreal Canadiens, the best hockey team in the world. We all shaved our heads like Scott Gomez. We laced our skates like Tomas Plekanec and taped our sticks like Andrei Markov. We did drugs and drank beer like Carey Price. We hung out with Russian gangsters like Sergei and Andrei Kostitsyn. Truly, we knew everything there was to know about the Montreal Canadiens.

One day, my Mike Komisarek Montreal Canadiens sweater was covered in tape that said "traitor". My mother said, "if you wear that old sweater, people are going to think you cheer for Komisarek still." My mother started to look over the internet for a new sweater, and did what she always did. My mother did not understand a word of English, so she sent an email to Monsieur Eaton:

Dear Monsieur Eaton,

Would you be so kind as to send me a Canadiens' hockey sweater for my son, HF10, who is 36 years old and a little bit tall for his age? Docteur Mulder thinks he is a little too thin. I am sending you $300. Please send me the change if there is any. I hope your packing will be better than it was last time.

Of course, Mr. Eaton's store went out of business many years ago, leaving only a Centre in Toronto bearing his name, so La Baie answered my mother. Two weeks later we received the sweater.

That day I had one of the greatest disappointments of my life! Instead of the red, white and blue Montreal Canadiens sweater, La Baie had sent the blue and white number 81 sweater of Phil Kessel of the Toronto Maple Leafs. I had always worn the red, white and blue sweater of the Montreal Canadiens. All my friends wore the red, white and blue sweater. Never had anyone at FourHabsFans worn the Phil Kessel number 81 Toronto sweater. Besides, the Toronto team had been beaten 3 times out of 4 by the Canadiens this season.

With tears in my eyes, I found the strength to say: "I'll never wear that uniform".

My mother agreed that wanting a Montreal Canadiens Mike Cammalleri number 13 sweater and settling for a Phil Kessel number 81 Toronto sweater would not do. She sent another email asking for a trade. Instead of a proper trade, they sent her three very valuable Bruins sweaters. The letter explained that we could order "Hall" or Seguin" for the sweater in June, and names and numbers for the other two sweaters in June 2011. It is a strange place, Toronto. They have a tres bizarre way of running their business.

When I arrived at FourHabsFans to discuss the game that is going to happen live at the Air Canada Centre at 7:00 pm on CBC and RDS, I wasn't concerned about the three potential Bruins sweaters that had been traded for the one Phil Kessel sweater. I was wondering if the Canadiens could win their seventh straight against a Toronto team that had won four of five. If a red-hot Jaro Halak and the GMC line could keep the momentum going if the Monster was looking for his fifth straight win. I was not concerned about being banned from the comments because of a blue sweater; I was more concerned with Cammalleri's health and what the possible return of the Urologist would do to the lines. I wondered if Mike Komisarek's bum shoulder will make him damaged goods for the rest of his huge contract. I wondered if the rebuilding job done by window-peeping Brian Burke was already on track with Toronto's youngsters playing so well.

Just in case, I went to church and I asked God to send me right away, a hundred million moths that would eat up my three Bruins sweaters, a spate of injuries to the Leafs that would keep them in the lottery, and 11 more wins in a row for the Canadiens.

With sincere apologies to the great Roch Carrier and his classic tale.

The System Works(?) Habs 3 Leafs 2 (OT)

Apparently the Habs beat the Leafs 3-2 in overtime. I say 'apparently' because I only caught the first period live due to family/holiday obligations (I use the term "obligations" precisely - if you, too, have had more shots over the past several days than the Habs opponents' just to get through meals with family you schlepped across continents to escape, you know what I'm talking about).

You know what? I think I've see this game before, so here is your game summary:

• Canadiens score early and then hold on for dear life.
• SuperPleks is a god - or is at least playing like a bona fide first line centre.
• Gomez is looking much better.
• Big Tits is on a role; Saggy Tits, not so much.
• It's good (no, GREAT) to have Markov back.
• The Energized Bunny has nothing on Jaro.
• It's fucking sweet to beat the Leafs, no matter how ugly or undeserving.
• Suck it Dou$charek. Third star, my ass, you pylon.

Besides the gratuitous Leaf bashing, sounds like any one of the past 3 road games.

If the definition of a 'system' in sports is that a team plays the same way every game, the Jacques Martin Era has officially begun in Montreal. JM's version of The System is apparently to get outshot by a ton but deposit more of our shots in the back of their net.

Maybe it's the mix of copious amounts of tryptophan and Captain Morgan's still circulating through my pulmonary system, but I can't figure out if I'm happy or not about this. On one hand, a win is a win. On the other, getting outshot 50-10 every game doesn't sound like a Stanley Cup-winning formula.

I could talk about not letting an inferior opponent back into the game. I could write about taking bad penalties. I could discuss relying too much on your goaltender. There are any number of cynical and/or negative observations I could add about this game.

You know what else? Fuck it. I'm just going to enjoy a win over the stupid fucking Toronna Maple Laffs on HNIC. Go Habs Go. Leafs suck. Plan the Parade along the usual route. Yadda yadda. I'm too worn out and beaten down by the "holidays" to be negative or cynical.

Just don' t think you're off the hook, Canadiens. Because when I do have the energy to care about anything other than when the holidays (and family visits) are over, you're in trouble.

Unless, of course, they keep winning. Then we'll talk about the System working.

It's the waiting in line for fantastic savings early Leafs vs Habs preview

I knew I should have kept that receipt ...

Hello, shoppers! HF10 here, live from the parking lot of Future Shop, waiting in line for the HEE-YOOOGE savings to start. Nothin' says birth of the saviour like 37" plasmas for $499. If your like me, you just got finished seeing everyone else off to bed as the turkey and egg nog worked their triptyphanerific magic, so it's time to evaluate your recent Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa bounty. Get anything good? Got a trip to Old Navy in your future to return some flannel pyjama pants? Somehow end up with Red Wing socks? Tis the season for ...

Waiting in line at the returns desk: Saturday night, the CBC and RDS, 7:00 pm from the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. Bleu, blanc, rouge and blue and white all over. Goodwill towards men fucking ends TODAY, you truculent little bastards.

Hot like an Iphone with 5000 apps: The Super Amazing Story of Wonderpleks, Squid and the Big Tits continues. Mr. Andrei Markov is back and scroing at will. Metro bagged a pair last game after a big drought. The Urologist keeps scoring. Jaro is starting another goalie controversy. Even Scott Gomez escapes my wrath for now with some solid play and a three assist night. For the Leafs, Tomas Kaberle leads them in scoring and has three points in his last three, and don't look now but Mike "Traitorous Douchebag" Komisarek is rounding into hardhitting, make life miserable form.

Cold like the gravy sitting in that pot at the bottom of the dirty dishes: BGL hasn't made a useful contribution since he was a Penguin. Mad Max is more like Max & Ruby at this point. Matt D'Agostini is fucking terrible. For the Leafs, 3 is the magic number: It's the total points scored by Phil Kessel, Matt Stajan, Alexei Ponikarovsky, Nick Hagman and our old friend Grabs in the last six games.

Broken like the $100 toy you gave your shit-disturbing nephew less than 20 effing minutes ago: Habs still missing Gionta, also Mara, possibly Hamr. Leafs Victor Stralberg is questionable, The Monster always seems one cheeseburger from more heart trouble, and here's hoping the massive hole in Toskala's catching hand is still there.

Annoying like your crazy Uncle Milt, but it's the holidays so you've got to talk to them: We get periodic visits from PPP, Chemmy, eyebeleaf and jaredoflondon around here. If you like, you can visit all of them (bring rumballs or fruitcake!) over at Pension Plan Puppets. Be nice, for gawdsakes. It`s the fucking holidays.

Post-game entertainment: Put on the fire-log dvd, grab your third turkey sandwich of the day and your fifth rum-based beverage and relax. You and your family have earned it.

If you got anything good, brag about it in the comments.

The Boos on Halloween: Habs 5 - Leafs 4 (S.O.)

Bravo to this man last night for telling it like it is

This is going to be short and there may be more later on.

How in the name of Gui! do the Habs need to resort to a shootout when they're holding a 2-goal lead at home against the last place Leafs with less than 4 minutes left in the game.

This after our fans start karoaokying na na na na heh heh goodbye.

This after CBC's Hughson recalls how signature Jacques Martin team can just shut down the opponent when leading in the late stages of a game.

The best thing about this game is the fact that I missed it live to go to a Halloween party where I dressed in the lamest costume ever.

If you want me to post a picture of it, you need to give me reasons why.

A- Why I should post the pic.

B- Why the hell this game went to a shootout.

Komisarek got what he deserved and the scuffles with Max and Gui! suggest something may have been brewing beneath the surface in that locker room for some time. Otherwise, it was just business with the douche now being on the other bench.

This is Jaro's team, by the way. Tough for all TMS lovers. TMS can wait. The time is Jaro.

Halloween Habs vs Leafs on HNIC Game Preview and Open Thread

Ah the Bi-Polar nature of Halloween: girls in sexy costumes and cool terrifying masks like The Traitor - more Douc$harek apparel available soon on Ebay from GG11.

It's almost game time, and my stomach is sore. I'm not sure if it's from eating the Halloween candy we're supposed to be giving away - for free! - to neighbourhood brats or from laughing so hard at "Jaro's" game review. Without any hyperbole whatsoever, that was the funniest thing I've ever read on the Internet. Bravo.

My stomach may also be sore from bubbling over in acidic anticipation of The Return of Michael Komisarek. Formerly My Boy Komo finally comes back to play where he was drafted and developed yadda yadda yadda now he's Douc$harek and we all hate him:


Let's hit the Hallowe'en bullet point preview:

• If you're not reading this on your ifone/crackberry, you're likely watching it on your nearest tv right now
• available on virtually all Canadian Broadcasting Corporation channels, before God and a coast to coast audience to determine which team may find some interim relief from their solidly mediocre starts.


• Horrible Haunting Habs really suck on the road, having lost four straight.


• But the Frighteningly Scary Leafs still suck more: only one win all season.
• Habs win and we can all laugh and point and call Leafs' fans names cause their team only won one game all month. On the other hand, it might encourage more Leafs fans to sell their allegiance on Ebay, thereby infecting every fan base with irrational douchebag fan rah-rahism.


• I've done no research whatsoever but I'm guessing since the Laughs finally managed to win a game in Anaheim (and rather handily at that) and then earned road points in Dallas and Buffalo means The Big Ufas of 2009, Niceroad and Penalty King Komo and thir forwards generally must be sucking slightly less lately.


• I heard Grabby scored a shorty late in Sabreland to pickpocket a point last night.
He's still a smurf fucker.


• The GiantMexicanTits experiment was a disaster, each of them finishing -2. Who knows which sap is next up in the rotation. BGL, maybe? Freakin' Stewie??


• TurtlePleks doesn't suck - he's actually good now. Until I said that (reverse jink).
Or does Halloween mean the return of ZombiePleks from the (un)dead?


• A second liner Mad Max is not. Then again, I may have been a bit casual in tagging CHips as a career AHLer. Maybe. Not sure. Same with Stewie.


• BFW(tm) gets the start.


• To answer your question: Big Fat Whale, Carey Price. (Come on, I know it's blatant gimmick infringement of a colleague (sorry 4) but I can't get enough of that joke. "Cari is a big fat wale". Heh.)


• The scariest thing about it being October 31 is that February 2010 is still on long way off and so is Markov.


• Did I mention Leafs suck? God I love saying that. Please let them finish last even if it means the Bruins get a number one pick - the B's tend to give those away like candy on Halloween anyway.


• Both teams playing their third game in four nights, so we may see some goals. These and other actual game preview-like thoughts over at a CBC.ca blog.


• Rather than leave your home to visit a gentleman's club, stay home, surf the net and look at some ladies who, while intellectual and sharp as I'm sure they are, may be there the next time you decide to go out to such a club.


• Oh yeah, and happy Halloween, Habs fans. Let's hope the Habs show more talent and effort than Panger's pumpkin carving

(You can't see it but on the other side is a pumpkin face with a Habs tuque on. More evidence that Habs Rule: this pumpkin was entered in a Calgary office contest and won.)

Let's hears the screams and cries from all you Boils and Ghouls roaming out there this All Hallow's Eve in the comments.

We need to go both ways tonight - Leafs Game Preview and Open Thread

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

It's Love-In Friday!!!

Well, HF29 loves Trish Stratus and HF33 loves midget wrestling and Toronto getting a beatdown. Me? I love being back in my own bed after two nights with my kid in the pediatrics ward at Toronto East so much, I thought I'd end the week with the official things HF10 is loving today. Maybe HF4 will have some love to give later; possibly not. He's a cranky fuck.

Things to love:

Leaf fans. Fat, drunk and delusional is not the way to go through life, sons. If you have time, check out PPP's rage, and Chemmy's angry response to 33's review. (Chemmy, check the archives before you slag 33's name! And check the comments for where your partner in crime praises Tosksalad. And stop talking about the mortal wounds you keep getting on your penis!)

Grabs. Leaf fans aren't sure why the Habs hate him so; maybe skipping out on your teammates and whining to the press is kosher in TO. I don't know. Again, the archives are your friend. I still think he's less Rocket Richard and more mentally unhinged Sergei Berezin.

Being ahead of last year's points pace is nice. Especially if the Pens keep sinking.

The Bruins pace is disconcerting, but wouldn't you rather beat a good Bruins team in the semis than a lousy Bruins team in the first round? Actually, I'd rather the Bruins finished ninth, but it's the post of love, baby! All positive!

I love the Alex Semin fight. No link. You've seen it.

Love that Frankie B tried to fight Brad May. He had no business trying (as we all saw) but he tried. Love that Bill Watters and Nick Kypreos had to fall all over themselves trying to praise May for fighting a guy half his size without slipping up and mentioning "The Code", which I'm pretty sure says you aren't a tough guy if you fight "a squirt", to use Watter's word.

Love that Jaro played better.

Love that Mad Max thinks he's Guy. Don't wake him up!

Love that the kids are contributing. Love that Chips is finally back!!!

Hate that a Leafs/Canadiens tilt was on a fucking Thursday, not in the proper Saturday prime slot it always deserves ... but I love Canadiens Thursday hockey games.

Love the prospect of HF29's favourite college coach coming to revive the Fighting Irish, since he's named after a Pope and it is his "dream job".

Love that it's Friday afternoon and we're almost done for another week. Love it up this weekend, folks!

Run for your life! It's a perspective post!!!

So there's been some pleasant back and forth over this whole attendance "it's a myth!" "no it's not!" thing. I'm tired of it. PPP might be tired of it. You, the reader, are most certainly tired of it. But stubborn old HF10 was ready to fire off another thousand words about it until I realized life's too short for this sort of crap.

The moment of clarity came sometime around 3 am, after a night trying to comfort a feverish, cranky, loaded with antibiotics, sick as she's ever been Mini HF10. This blog is suppsed to be a fun diversion; arguing with Leaf fans who assume that the financial realities of 1998 Montreal and the corporate playground of today's Toronto are the same is an exercise in stupidity.

It's too bad. I thought my response to PPP's juvenile potshots was pretty good. I did finally break down and accept that Damien Cox is solely put on earth to convince Leaf fans to stay away from the ACC. I made sure to defend the good people of the Faculty of Law at the Universite de Moncton* (even though that's not my alma mater.) I used my rudimentary math skills to try and decipher exactly what PPP's "absolute figures" prove (not much). I delved into the psyche and finances of Canadiens owner George Gillett (is he a "collector of toys", as PPP asserts? Random quotes from Gillett's associates suggest no.) I even found quotes from Canadiens president Pierre Boivin detailing the dire financial straits the Habs found themselves in at the turn of the century, contrasted that with the train-wreck that was the Montreal economy a few short years after another divisive referendum, and theorized on whether or not the mass exodus of head offices and lack of corporate muscle might have been a reason why thousands of empty seats couldn't simply be papered over.

But what would it get me? Some satisfaction, sure. Probably a lot more frustration if PPP decided to respond again (and since admits he's no good at letting someone get the last word, that was a distinct possibility). Frankly, it wasn't worth it. I'm not going to convince PPP he's wrong, and he hasn't convinced me he's right. Truth is, neither of us really knows what the effect of those missing Montreal fans was. Opinions are like ... well, you know the rest.

Life's too short to respond to mediocre jokes about my profession and fellow law school grads. It's too short to continue arguing about such a non-issue. It's time to get angry about cheapshot Bruins, rabid Ranger fans, and the terrifying possibility Bob may lose his mind and give away Higgins, Fischer and a #1 for a broken-down goal suck who wants an $80 million dollar contract. That's fun. This little set-to wasn't.

* Why is the University of Moncton's law school ranked so low in "Elite Firm Hiring", "National Reach", and "Journal Citations", but pretty good at garnering Supreme Court Clerkships? It's French. Since the majority of the "Elite Firms" do the majority of their business in English, they probably don't spend their time scouring Francophone Moncton for the next great rainmaker. Likewise, it's probably not a stretch to assume that Moncton's French Common law degree is less "marketable across the country". And the lack of French Common law journals might lessen the number of citations Moncton gets ... Ironic that PPP took me to task over research and the internet but didn't take the time to think before he used rankings from Macleans. Glad to see he won't let a little research get in the way of a juvenile dis.

Montreal, Toronto, Empty Seats and Empty Shells: You Don't Have a Clue, So Please Shut Up About It

There are a lot of weak, weak writers out there. You expect that in the age of the interwebs because now any twit with a modem and a working knowledge of a language (like the average Bruins fan) can set himself up with a blog and write nonsense. The problem is compounded when the "mainstream media" features its own cabal of weak writers; put all the not-very goods in too close a proximity and you get all sorts of stupidity, made-up arguments, convenient twisting of facts, and (usually from us) some childish name-calling that leads to a very uncomfortable awkwardness at the Blueshirt Bulletin summer cotillion.

Wait, it gets longer.

Last year, one of the weakest of the weak mainstream media, (Howard Berger - no links because he don't deserve it) wrote an item about a (probably mythical) conversation he had with a Montreal cabbie. Said cabbie claimed Torontonians were stupid for supporting the Leafs through thick and thin, and that if they all started to stay away from games like they did in Montreal when the team was struggling, Leafs management would be forced to improve the team. Leafs nation went batshit. Over at the CoxBloc (an excellent site that keeps a very critical eye on the weaker links of the mainstream, with a special emphasis on the above mentioned Berger, as well as the Star's Damien Cox and the Sun's Steve Simmons, among others) they wrote a reply. The reply is well thought out. The comments section is where things get a little iffy, as Toronto fans bend over backwards trying to prove a) that Montrealers didn't voice their opinion on the state of the Habs by staying away from games and b) the same strategy would never, ever work in Toronto. Why is this an issue? Because, based on absolutely nothing, Pension Plan Puppets has dragged this argument back into the light, and the same stupid, misinformed, mind-numbingly wrong facts are being thrown out there again.

Damien Cox wrote this piece. Read it. Read it again. Tell me where he even mentions the "stay away until management gets the hint" argument. He doesn't. He does say this:

"5,000 to 6,000 seats were unsold most nights and the team was in the midst of missing the playoffs four times in five years."

Now, from that line, PPP seems to glean that Cox is advocating staying away until Leafs management gets the message and builds a winner. Wait, what? Let's see ... nope, just read the Cox article again. Doesn't seem to be the gist of the piece at all. Nevertheless, PPP uses that as the jumping off point for a rehashing of the misguided arguments and misconstrued facts he and other Leaf bloggers have to prove that a) no fan revolt ever happened, and b) if there was any fan revolt, it certainly wasn't noticed by Montreal management and had no bearing on management's willingness to change things to get better.

Now, the house of cards basis of proof PPP and the rest of the Barilkosphere (their awesome word, not mine) use to prove that Habs fans didn't vote with their wallets is based on a comparison of average attendance figures and percentage of capacity totals from 1993 to 2007. On first glance, these totals might seem to support the theory, as the Habs average attendance figures are higher than those of the Leafs each year. Now, this conveniently neglects one very important fact. As I wrote in the comments section of the CoxBloc article:

"citing "average attendance" figures to show more Montrealers were showing up versus Torontonians is a little misleading since the Forum had 17,959 seats to MLG's 16,307 and the Bell Centre fits 21,273 to the ACC's 18,819. Going back to 1993-94 on PPP's chart, Toronto's percentage of capacity is higher almost every year, even factoring in the curiosity factor a new building would bring to Montreal's totals."

(Kind of a convenient piece of info to ignore, since it pretty well ruins your argument. Lawyers do that and get disbarred. Bloggers do it and get lauded by anyone who doesn't actually pay attention.)

While PPP and his brethren might claim that 97.5 or 94% capacity doesn't sound like Montreal turned its back on the Habs, but that still translates into over a thousand empty seats each night in a hockey-mad city. It also doesn't tell the story on the streets of Montreal: I lived there from 1997 to 2001, and I remember the Habs being raked over the coals every day. I remember a brand-new arena with hundreds of seats for $15.00 that wasn't selling out. I remember fans booing the Habs off the ice on a regular basis. Maybe to PPP, 1000 empty seats a night doesn't sound like much, but in hockey-crazed places it should never happen. You can bet George Gillett and Pierre Boivin noticed. Was it a full-scale revolt? Were the Habs playing to Atlanta sized crowds? No, but in 2000 I was able to walk to the box office and purchase 4 tickets for Mario Lemieux's first game back in Montreal in almost 4 years a week before it happened. That wouldn't happen now. (Before PPP points out that the Habs were still in the top two for average attendance most of those years, I'll repeat: 21,273 seats. Bigger than any other rink in the league. Almost 1000 seats bigger than the next biggest, in fact. Oh, hey, that's the same amount of seats that were going empty every night!)

Now, PPP makes the point that the real turnaround for the Habs happened when Boivin and Gillett went and hired Bob Gainey, and he gets no argument here on that point. But one wonders, if the rink was packed to capacity every night despite the ineptitude of the front office, despite the putrid performance of team trotting out the Trent McCleary's and Karl Dykhuis' of the world, despite the lack of playoff births, let alone playoff successes, would the impetus to go out and get one of the best in the game have existed? It sure didn't when the Molson's had essentially given up and left Ronald Corey to his devices. It sure wasn't an issue for Harold Ballard to hold onto Floyd Smith or Gerry McNamara. It never seems to bother the owners of the Cubs in baseball or Detroit Lions in football (up until two weeks ago), but it sure seems to have been at least one catalyst for the change in Montreal. To shrug off the idea that 95% capacity is good enough in any of hockey's leading cities, and that 1000's of empty seats and a backseat to the Alouettes as the city's darlings was acceptable to George Gillett is disingenuous, naive, or just being blind to the fact that fans can sway opinion through their actions.

Would it work in Toronto? As PPP points out, the sheer amount of corporate dollars in Toronto and truly massive fanbase (yes, I can admit it ... the Leaf fanbase dwarfs EVERYONE else, and there is no sense denying it) suggests that it won't. That's not the crux of the issue here. The issue is a misinformed pointless retelling of a situation that you weren't in on the ground level for. "The Montreal Myth" isn't the version Pierre Boivin tells you ... it's the one the Leaf Nation tells itself.

Habs vs Leafs Preview and Open Thread: Last Minute Edition

Thanksgiving weekend means family commitments and a 3 hour drive to the Chuck (that's Edmonton for non-Albertans), meaning last-minute game previews. Enjoy.

• TV: HNIC and RDS; ironically only one of those will be playing the HNIC Theme, and it won't be HNIC.
  
• Jaro gets the start for the Habs; Toskala starts for Leafs.

• Jaro seeys he weel ween twonite cause he batter then facking Ceerey Price.

• Leafs coming off big win in Detroit while the Habs lost in a shootout to Sabres
• If Habs lose, they'll be riots in the streets in Mtl - and they'll be planning a parade in T.O.
  

Dirty thoughts in comments, yada yada ...

Leafs Decide Poor Haven't Suffered Enough: Offer Free Tickets to Toronto vs Buffalo Exhibition Game

Cause these guys don't have enough problems

The Toronto Maple Leafs have announced plans to torment the poor and indigent of their home city even further by allowing them in to the Air Canada Centre to watch an exhibition game versus the Buffalo Sabres this September. Local activists are outraged at the cruel and unusual punishment being meted out to the city's less fortunate by the evil, marauding corporation known as MLSE. Alt-hippie mayor David Miller denounced the "heinous treatment of our most vulnerable", and called for the federal government to send "money, counsellors, someone to fix the TTC, the army, ... and the rights to John Tavares."

MLSE has announced the plans as a way to allow fans who currently can not afford to see "hockey" at the Air Canada Centre (currently those earning less than $350,000 per year, or those not related to original season ticket holders from the 1931 opening of Maple Leaf Gardens) a chance to see all their favourite Maple Leaf stars in exhibition action, like John Pohl, Anton Stralman, 64 year old goalie Curtis "Cujo" Joseph, and newly acquired punching bag/mediocre agitator/turtling sissy Ryan Holllweg. Leafs acting/semi-permanent GM/Brian Burke seatwarmer Uncle Cliffy announced that the chance to see these Leaf greats was a "once in a lifetime opportunity ... for all you poor fuckers. Enjoy it, because those platinum seats are gonna stay empty at the start of every period forever." Uncle Cliffy then fell asleep in his oatmeal.

Now, we're not usually ones to heap scorn on the Leafs, but what do they have against the good, hardworking poor, lower, middle, upper-middle, and lower-rich classes of Toronto who can't afford to go to the ACC? At least you could take solace in the fact that all the rich assholes in the seats were getting a karmic punch in the face by shelling out so much to watch a crappy team. This just seems cruel, especially if you're going to make people have to drink fucking COKE ZERO for the chance to win tickets. I'm guessing dentists all over the Metro area just made plans for huge home expansions based on the amount of rotted teeth they'll see between now and the fall.

PS - We joke and all, and you can complain about the way the tickets are being distributed, but in all seriousness, what a great idea by the Leafs. Although every preseason game should be free anyway.

PPS - Writing that last bit makes me feel like I need a shower. Ugh.

Uncle Cliffy Grabs ... Well, Grabs, Actually.

Is this what Bob gave up in order to have Mats Sundin hem and haw for the next two months? TSN is reporting that our once-upon-a-time future number 2 centre Mikhail "Grabs" Grabovski has been dealt to the Leafs for prospect Greg Pateryn and a second round pick in 2010.

What do I think? We had high hopes for Grabs last year, and some had him penciled in as Kovy's centreman. He didn't really show a lot early season, and got sent down. He then became everyone's favourite trading chip in deals for Marian Hossa, Mats Sundin, Alex Ovechkin, Ilya Kovalchuk ... you name it, Grabs (and Ryder, Halak, O'Byrne and a pick) were traded for it. Still, we liked Grabs until he went all petulant child and refused to travel with the team after being scratched. Personally, that's the moment I turned on him like a viper. Arrogant little fuck.

With Pleks installed on the first line, Saku on the second, and a host of other prospects in the pipeline, RFA Grabs was probably out the door sooner or later. Bob and Timmins got themselves a useful pick and another high school defenseman from the States. The Leafs got a speedy, offensively gifted prospect, who I hope turns into the next Lonny Bohonos or Luca Cereda. See, sometimes in a trade you wish the guy leaving well ... but Grabs sulked and went against the family. That's usually enough to earn my scorn, but now he's a Leaf too, so fuck him.

Leafs Nation Seeks New Leader / Puppet

Paul Maurice has been fired as Leafs coach. I swear I never saw that coming.

"The Worst Game I Have Ever Attended": Dad of HF10 Reviews the Blechh that was last night.

In the tradition of HF29's Mom, and because I don't feel like rehashing that dreadful performance, here's the review a la Dad of HF10, who was in attendance at the ACC last night, and gave me this review at Sister of HF10's birthday brunch this morning:

Dad of HF10: "That was the worst game I have ever attended. It didn't look like either team wanted to be there at all. The O'Byrne call was bull ... it was a totally clean hit, and with them already short the big guy [DOOM - ed] they were done. The Canadiens never even showed up. If Koivu is out for any length of time, they're going out in the first round, because no one on that second line did anything. Your brother-in-law heard it was a broken foot, out eight weeks. By the way, Son of (Dad's friend who owns the season's tickets) says hi. He's working for the ROM now. The crowd was totally dead. No noise at all. At least it was over quick. They're going to get swept by the damn Bruins in the first round if this keeps up. They were healthy for 75 games and now they'll lose everybody with a week to go. Awful. Just awful. "

Well said, Dad. That was a sorry excuse of a performance for Montreal. At one point, they had 8 shots on net (late second? I don't know). 8 shots on a guy as good as Toskala is NOT GOING TO DO IT. Was the team demoralized after hearing the news on Koivu and Streit? Taking the Leafs too lightly? Coasting because they knew Ottawa had already lost? Tired from their 3 minutes of effort in Buffalo the night before? Whatever it was, the game was dull and boring and made the Oilers/Flames game following look like the 7th game of the '89 Smythe Final by comparison.

Anything else to say? Not really. I'm fully on board with HF29 at this point. The team looks crappy at the worst possible time of the year, injuries are starting to show up, and the Habs vaunted "depth" is no good if Doom, Koivu and Streit are replaced with fucking Breezer and El Dandy. Worst of all? Leafs fans just chalked up another notch for their "the Leafs own the Habs" argument. Super. At least that will keep them happy as they hope for the Habs and Sens to lose.

The Game Preview and Open Thread Wherein We Pay Tribute to the Leafs and Sucking

I agree wholeheartedly with SLC who so elquently reminded us, "As the Nation would say, we may not have won anything either, but at least we got further than you." That's all that matters, isn't it? Remember last year? When we fought to the last day with them for a stupid 8th spot? Compare that to this year. We're in first for fuck's sake, and they will be on the golf course soon. My glee knows no bounds. And I'm sober. We sort of feel bad for PPP and Loser Domi, but not really. Some very quick thoughts and updates headed into tonight's action:

• 7 PM ACC CBC;
• With Ottawa losing this afternoon, Habs can end the Sens' tyranny over the Northeast and clinch the division title with a mere single point tonight. That would be our first division title since we won the Adams in 1991-92;
• Koivu and Streit both have swollen feet from too much dancing, er, blocking shots, and will sit out tonight. Their replacements? Breezer and El Dandy. Oh god;
• Ha-lak! Ha-lak! Ha-lak!
• We will celebrate Earth Hour between 8 and 9 PM by drinking our whiskey without opening the freezer to get ice. Talk about sacrifice.

Thanks to commentors Fezworth, Scott and Anonymous for writing the preview for me. If you have more news, please continue to do my job for me in the comments.