32nd Semi-Annual Habs-Bruins Playoff Preview: Goalies and D-Men

If the Fucking Habs are to have a chance at winning this series, TFS (tm) will have to be this hot.

Defense wins championships, as the cliche goes. Right now I'd settle for a first round series win - and if that's gonna happen, the Fucking Habs had better figure out a way to shut down the Broons second-ranked offense. Seriously. The Boo-ins finished right behind Detroit. So let's see how the goaltending and defense stack up.

Masked Men

The Good

TFS (tm) has played way better down the stretch and seems to have gotten his groove back. Halak is way better than Emmanual F.

The Bad

The Broons goalie duo of Tiny Tim and Manny the A-hole won the Jennings trophy for the team giving up the fewest goals. Tiny Tim will also likely be a Vezina trophy candidate (although Luongo is gonna win).

The Ugly

Montreal, on the other hand, finished 20th, giving up 51 more goals. Yeah, that sucks.

In fact, all the stats favour Boston, so lets forget about those.

The Prediction

Let's go with our gut, which tells us that TFS(tm) is going to play every game of this series like game 7 of last year. Meanwhile, Tiny Tim is going to play like a castoff from a second tier European team.

Just keep in mind that our guts have shit for brains.

Blueliners

The Good

Ummm...I think Bob will manage to find 6 healthy defensemen come Thursday. I think.

As dominate as Chara can be, he's also not the most mobile dude at 6'9, and skill guys like Kovy can make him look like Treebeard coming out of the corners. Although he pretty much always looks that way anyway.

The Bad

It starts and ends with the B's Shaved Gorilla. He'll probably play about 45 minutes a game, including all PPs and PKs. Really the Habs best bet is if he gets hurt again. (I hope BGL is reading this. If you are, Google "Bobby Clarke" and "Valeri Kharlamov".)

I hate to say it, but it's clear Montreal has no one to match Treebeard. Two weeks ago I'd have no problem saying that, as a unit, I'd pick Montreal's group 1 through 6 over the Broons collection of Treebeard and 5 guys no one outside Bahsten has ever head of, except maybe Wideman. But after the fucking Leafs game...well, just another reason to wish that Grabitchski gets gang raped in a Belorussian prison.

The Ugly

Markov is hurt and even if he plays he won't be the impact player he has to be. The Semetic Saviour has been an inspiration playing hurt, but a 39-year-old with a bad wing isn't going to carry a team into the finals. DOOM needs to play like he did last year, not the mediocre play of this season. And he needs to plant Lucic 5 times a game. Hamr's contract is looking like more and more of an albatross. I love Georges, but he's not a difference-maker. And if Breezer is among our leading scorers again...kill me now. Franky B is probably playing for a contract - and Rhino for a career - but neither is likely to have much of an impact, if they play at all.

The Prediction

I fucking hate to say this, but the Shaved Gorilla is the major difference here - unless someone can render him ineffective (read: Gillooly him). Of course, IF: Markov makes a miraculous recovery; Hamr forgets he's old; Gorges morphs into Guy Lapointe; and Breezer spontaneously combusts; THEN, we have a chance.

So what I'm saying is that we have hope.

And not much else.

Play Your Tits Off - The FHF Round One Preview: Goaltenders

Boston's Tiny Tim is going to need to carry his team on his back.

Undoubtedly the most important position in all of sports (not that I'm biased), FHF turns it's in-depth "analysis" to the teams' respective goaltenders, Carey Price - aka The Franchise Saviour (tm), and Tim Thomas - aka Tiny Tim.

Age: TFS is 20, TiTi will be 34 in a week.
EDGE: TFS is green, TiTi is a geezer (sorry HF29). Let's call this a draw.

Playoff experience: both TFS and TiTi go into this series with zero NHL playoff games. In TT's entire professional career, however, he's played 31 career playoff games - and only 2 of those were on this side of the pond. Meanwhile, everyone is Montreal knows by now that TFS led the Hamilton Bulldogs to the Calder Cup last year in the AHL, playing in 22 games. Plus, TFS is cool as a Chicoutimi cucumber and it seems unlikely that he will be rattled too badly or too long by his first playoff NHL experience. Plus it's not like there is no precedent for a 20 year old carrying a team to a Cup. But a soon-to-be 34-year old journeyman?

EDGE: TFS.

Size/Durability: TFS is 6'3", 225 pounds. TiTi is 5'11" and 180 pounds. Who's going to stand up to being run 30 times a night when goalie interference calls require use of a firearm?

EDGE: TFS - his frame guarantees that a couple of pucks a game will simply hit him even if he doesn't react to a shot, which is critical when there are 2 guys with their ass in

Style: TFS is a prototype hybrid goalie, while TiTi style can best be described as "Hasekian" - i.e. calculated guesses and allot of scrambling. The difference is, TiTi doesn't guess right nearly as often as the Dominator at his peak.
EDGE: it's easy (and tempting) to give this one to TFS too, but I'm calling it a draw because when TiTi is guessing right, he can look like Hasek, and he's more prone to streaky play - and I'm not going to tempt fate (and piss off HF10) given the list of marginal Bruins' keepers who stole playoff series against the CH.

Team support: much has been made of the Bruins' commitment to team defence as they cut their goals against by something like 350 goals under Julien. But this category is more about the goalie's place in the team . Remember in TFS's first start against Pittsburgh, when guys were throwing themselves in front of shots to ensure he picked up the win? Meanwhile, the Bruins GM had so much confidence in TiTi before the year that he traded for an assaholic goalie with spaghetti for knee ligaments to be his starter.

EDGE: TFS. You can just see how Montreal has adapted their game to his play. This is TFS's team, not doubt about it (HueT who?). It seems like TiTi is slotted into the backup role every pre-season (next year it could be behind Tuuka Rask).

Intangibles: TiTi has something to prove as he's been doubted all season, where I don't think TFS really does. TFS is getting all the hype, and if I where TiTi I'd be pissed off and looking to prove something. Let's hope TiTi isn't like me (well, maybe if you've ever seen me play...).

EDGE: TiTi.

Backups: burgeoning FHF cult hero Jaro vs. Alex Auld. I'm betting that it is more likely to see Mr. Auld than Jaro. Good for us, because when Jaro's riding the bench he has more time to do interviews with HF4.

EDGE: Auld has more experience, even if he hasn't played an NHL playoff game either.

PREDICTION: TiTi is pulled at least once in the series, and by the end of April TFS can pretty much walk into the back room of any strip club in Montreal any time he wants, sans wallet (and pants).