You all saw the footage of PK singlehandedly making All-Star weekend worth it. You heard him sway the TSN team, heard the cheers of the Raleigh faithful (once they got over the initial "holy shit, Skinner's black!!??!" confusion) when PK made their weeks by donning the Carolina jersey. We are all witness to the electric charge PK has sent through the tired, fading glory that is our beloved Habitants. While there is no doubt that Pernell Karl Fucking Subban is going to return Montreal to the mountaintop, don't think for a second that he's finished. PK has his sights set on reviving or improving every iconic sports franchise in history, starting this week with:
Playing quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers: Sure, the Steelers are in the Super Bowl this weekend, looking for a 3rd title in six years and 6th overall. But Steeler Nation is being lead by a man suspected of multiple sexual assaults, a man whose reckless driving is a terrible example for kids, a man who causes untold consternation in the hearts and minds of the good people of the rust belt every time the sordid allegations come up. Wouldn't Super Bowl week be much more enjoyable with PK's megawatt smile and charm as Pittsburgh's poster boy? Of course it would. PK gladly takes his swift feet and no doubt rocket arm to another Steel City to let Pittsburgh have gridiron glory untainted by scandal.
Playing centerfield for the New York Yankees: The Red Sox reloaded. The Rays are young and talented. The Phillies and Giants have rotations to die for. The Yankees? Squabbling with team icon Derek Jeter over whether or not he will move to centerfield as his already diminished range reduces further. New York is in a (for them) World Series drought that may never end and is alienating their leader and lynch pin by suggesting he move from short to center. What better way to preserve peace between Derek Jeter and the front office and shore up their defence than by having guaranteed Gold Glover, .350/40/125 hitter PK playing the position of Dimaggio and Mantle? Who better to plaster all over Times Square billboards than the most photogenic athlete in his generation? Added bonus: PK is so good at baseball defence, he'll actually catch all the balls Jeter misses at short too.
Noted slam dunk monster for the LA Lakers: Sure, the Lakers are two-time defending champs. Sure they still have Kobe Bryant, a stone-cold killer on the hardwood. But as their old rivals from Boston showed this week, the Lakers are not the juggernaut they should be. Boston battered LA easily this weekend and has plans to do so again in the NBA Finals this summer. But that won't be the case if PK "Tomahawk Dunk" Subban is running Showtime. PK will easily put up Iversen like numbers as point guard, will rebound like Barkley, and as a hockey player, will stare down and beat down Kevin Garnett and the bruising Celtics with ease. His easy charm and smooth moves will make him an instant star with the Lakers Hollywood ties, and a starring role alongside Jack Nicholson will be the icing on his offseason cake.
Star striker for Liverpool Football Club: Sure, they sold their talismanic striker Fernando Torres yesterday. Sure, they shelled out 35 million pounds for a battering ram 22 year old Englishman as a replacement. But who pray tell is heir apparent to King Kenny Dalglish as the creator and scorer of the most gifted goals in soccer? PK "Merseyside Strikeforce" Subban, that's who. His devastatingly cutting passes and no question about it brilliant soccer brain will dovetail perfectly with new strike partner Andy Carroll to lead the Reds back to their rightful perch as Kings of England and Europe. The Kop will chant PK's name to the heavens as LFC fans once again rock Anfield to the tune of "PK Subban! Superstar! How many goals have you scored so far!!"
Believe. And wait til you see what PK has planned for next week.
Got any franchise you think could use a touch of PK? Put it in the comments.
