Sportswriter has insight beyond us mere mortals

So NHL.com's John Kreiser (an NHL "insider" no less) has penned a column outlining the key questions for each of the 30 teams in the NHL. I dutifully ignored the 29 other teams and scanned quickly to find what sparkling insider insight he would have about Nos Canadiens. No doubt it took him hours of research and reflection to come up with:

"Will new coach + new players = better results?"

Fucking brilliant! See the way he takes the most obvious and banal point and makes it sportswriting genius by using mathematical symbols instead of words? That takes work, people. No doubt he rejected such other probing questions as:

Will the Habs win any games?
Will two top forwards who have never played together (except for those two years in Jersey) gel on the ice?
Will the Habs, in fact, play on ice this year?
Will the Montreal media turn on the team after their 10th straight loss?
Does 2+2=4?

On a related note, the FHF season preview has been canceled, as all the important questions have been asked.

via P. Daddy

Habs Offically Suck. Canucks 4, Suckity-sucks 2

Kovy the Kancer sucked, and needs to be traded - or treated with chemotherapy to ensure his attitude doesn't spread to healthy parts of the "team", whatever they may be. Captain K sucked - yeah I said it. HF10's Boy Higgins sucked. Bit Tits, despite the goal, and Little Tits both sucked (well, except if you're Pierre Houde - go watch HF4's TV in the post below). My Boy Chips sucked, especially on faceoffs - you're a centre now, jackass! Mad Max sucked for not growing out his hair again a la Samson (yes, that's a Bible reference. Darwin most certainly does not suck, though). LaWreck sucked for not kicking someone's ass. HF29's boy DOOM sucked (and if he's injured, he sucked for not sitting). Markov really sucked. Cube and Hamr sucked. Price sucked for ... uh ... not getting any good shots to stop? (OK that's just a "retroactive suck" for the Edmonton and Boston games.) Pleks sucked for getting suspended from playing. Tangy and Guimauve sucked for not getting better already.

So who does that leave? Two rookies (Patches and D'ago), a guy locked in my truck (Breezer - yeah, I said it) and two guys who were healthy scratches when the "team" didn't suck (Greek Lightening and El Dandy). And Jaro - well, don't think I'm going to be pointing any fingers at the goalies when the "team" in front of him have given up like 100 shots in the last 7 periods. (I put "team" in quotes because they're really 18 individual skaters right now.)

We suck. So what do we do? Trade 'em all and fire Carbonneau. Riot in the streets if Gainey doesn't trade for Lecavalier, Boumeester and Terry Sawchuk's ghost. Remember that Ottawa - Ottawa - has won 4 in a row under a new coach and feel shame. Declare 2009 "Most Sucky Centennial Season Ever."

[Forget that San Jose and Boston are both currently sucking, and that there is plenty of time to stop sucking before the playoffs. Perspective? Not at FHF. Panic rulz!]

Tell is what you think sucks in the comments. Personally, I think coming into work on a holiday sucks.

...oh, and this review sucked, too.