Friday, December 31, 2010

"Like we won the Cup" - Habs 3, Panthers 2 (OT); and Happy New Year from FHF

GG11 was thrilled(-ish) to take in tonight's game with the entire GG clan in Florida. She shot this video after CHeez Whiz scored to win it for the Habs in OT, sending it to me in an email with the subject "like we won the Cup." Hey, two points is two points. I would tell you how exciting it was to win in OT, but RDS is still having teCHnical difficulties.

Happy New Year FHF'ers! Get out there and drink like I know FHF'ers can. From moeman, reproduced without permission:

Should Auld's acquaintance be not forgot,
And road trip never brought to mind?
Should Auld's acquaintance be not forgot,
With Whiz twanging twyne!


For Auld tween twyne, my Esther,
For Auld tween twyne.
We'll take a Cup o' Stanley yet,
With Whiz twanging twyne!

Happy New Year ~ Bonne Année bitCHEs!

Play safe. Drive safe. Wear a safe. 

Hungover update: here's the long for video highlights after a win. How often do I get to post these anymore? And I really wanted to see that OT goal. It was pretty good! Go to the net, goddammit, things will happen.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Game Review: Fuck it, I don't want you back - Bolts 4, Habs 1 / Half-Assed Game Preview: Panthers vs. Habs, I guess...

(For the record, I started writing this recap with 13:33 left in the 3rd period)

(How I plan to watch tomorrow's game)

Conversation between me and Mr. LG77 during dinner (turkey leftovers, natch) at 6:35 last night:

Me: By the way, I have to recap tonight's game for FHF.

Him: Do we really have to watch that shit? I wanna play Call of Duty. Less of a bloodbath.

Me: Yeah, well, they may not suck tonight. They've sucked way too many games in a row, eventually their luck has gotta change, right?

Him: But didn't you just finish telling me that you had a shitty day? Watching that game is going to be like work for both of us - no fun, just pain. 60 minutes of pain.

Me: We don't normally suck for all 3 periods...

Him: Fine. Here's your fucking recap. Habs played. They lost. They suck. Is this fucking road trip over yet?

Me: God, you're such a pessimist...

During the first period and the leadup to the game, I was so fucking positive, it was nauseating. I mean, Cheez Whiz (Whizzer? Jizzer? Jury's still out on the nickname for me) was doing a ridiculously endearing interview with Pierre Houde at first, and I was thinking that maybe he was the gel that was missing for our beleaguered D-corps.

Then I heard that Cedric Desjardins was getting his first NHL start against the CH and I thought "Oh, fuck. Not another French Canadian goalie." (PS - great coaching decision by Boucher to shield his ass from the Mtl media feeding frenzy before the game)

Then the first period happened and HOLY FUCKING SHIT - we were playing well! Fewer dumping line changes, energy and speed through the neutral zone. I was thinking maybe the Habs were going to have a solid game...

And then the second period happened. I should have known that the Universe was just setting me up for a shitstorm of Biblical proportions.

Two too-many-men penalties in the span of a minute?? Are you fucking shitting me? That is an epic brain fart, akin to O'B's own goal against the Islanders. Symptom of the stink emanating from behind the bench... even if hockey is more difficult to coach than other sports due to the speed and fluidity of the game - LEARN TO FUCKING COUNT, COUNT CHOCULA.

Here's a primer, Jacques:

I don't give a shit whether it's Pearn or Muller who is in charge of the PK/line changes/basic fucking math, the buck stops with the expressionless dude behind the bench. Fin.

And that, ladies and gentlemen was the beginning of the end for the Habs last night. After that momentum killing bullshit, they looked disorganized, disjointed, dispirited and, well, fucking dead.

Dear Montreal Canadiens: my grandparents are coming with me to see the Habs game on Sunday. They live in Quebec City. Going to a hockey game with my grandpa has been a lifelong dream of mine, and I finally get to go with him on Sunday.

Please, please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE at least show up and put up a fight. A win would clearly be too much to hope for at this point, I realize that. But, please... just make a fun game of it. It's all I ask.

Discussion at the end of the game:

Him: Told you it would be like work.

Me: Sigh.


Oh, fuck, there's another train wreck tonight? Great. Just peachy.

I would set this up like a real game preview, but seeing as the team can't be bothered to put any effort forward on the ice, why should I bother putting any effort in previewing teh suck?

Game is at 5:00. In Florida. Sucks even more to be us - at least the Habs are getting some sunshine prior to the game. At least they have the decency to play the game early so that we can all go about our lives again afterwards.

You know, a win would be anti-climactic at this point. Kinda like the ex-boyfriend or girlfriend who comes to try to win you back after they killed your self-esteem for a year. Sure, it's nice at the time, but the disappointment still lingers.

Thanks, Habs. 2010 had been a great year until you coughed up a hairball in December.

Disappointed? Vengeful? Hating your ex? Filled with meh? Ring in the new year with us in the Comments. Oh, you can talk about the game too, I guess.

Habs Nearing End of Dismal Trip: Lightning Game Preview and Open Thread

Okay, everyone is on holidays and I'm guessing very few of you give a rat's ass about the ass-whupping the Habs are taking every night on this trip.  So let's just get this over with, shall we?

The game is at 7:30 in Tampa at the St. Pete Times Forum.  On RDS, Habs TSN.  Canadiens are playing brutal, 1-4 on the seven game trip so far.  Price in net as usual, since Gauthier left us with Alex Fucking Auld as the backup.  Price will be dead by March, btw.

Other stuff you need to know:  Calgary cast off (never forget that ... Calgary has been run terribly for way longer than you think) Marty St. Louis and Steve Stamkos are both top five in scoring.  Hey, remember when we all wanted Vinny and the Lightning wouldn't give him?  Probably could have has St. Louis for peanuts.  Stamkos is probably going to score 5 goals tonight, just so you know. 

Everyone on the Habs looks awful, and I they've clearly quit on that fucktard Chocula.  He's fucking terrible.  Oh, and the guy who should be coach is behind the other fucking bench.  Honestly, I'd rather send PK down to Hamilton so Randy Cunneyworth can rebuild him until Chocula gets stuffed in Panger's trunk.  This team isn't as good as they looked earlier in the year, but they aren't this bad either.  The loss of Markov and Chocula's garbage coaching are twin towers of crapitude. 

Oh, and the Wiz makes his debut tonight.  Wanna bet PK ends up sitting?   Chocula is thinking about it right now.  (I think he hates black people.  Pass it on.  Surely that could get him fired, right?)

Nominations for coach?  I think Bob Berry deserves another shot, whaddya say?

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Add some CHeeze Whiz ~ Caps Game Review and Open Spread

~ ~ ~
Talk about a barf-inducing buffet of bland badness, hope we don't all get fucking food poisoning from that fucked-up and wretCHed mess of a meal. Nice cratering (down to 8th!) job CHocula, maybe be a bit more CHreative in the kitCHen next game. Kirk, as the sous CHef, sharpen your coaCHing skills as you may be called up to help polish the run to the Silver Mug. You've been an apprentice long enough. We dined, now let's dash whilst sticking a finger down our collective throats FHFers. Pass the Alka Seltzer as our Habs are heading down South for what could be a James Whizbang CHeezeburger in Paradise or some leftover KetCHup'd Krapt Dinner served chez Le Boucher de Tampa Bay. Until then, enjoy CHef Giada in her kitCHen. She could crush my tomatoes any day.

~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

What the fuck is wrong with this fucking team they fucking suck - Caps preview and open thread

When I get angry (and GG11 is on the road), it's time for fat CHicks

"I am just more and more pissed with Martin. Tell FHF it's time to have a conversation about whether he's the right man for the job"
- Mom of HF29

Consider it done mom. In the absence of TMS, TMS Rants has been moved to the preview. NSFW (language) ahead!

What the fuck is wrong with this fucking piece of crap fucking team of shit? I was enjoying a lovely holiday up at Casa Norde del 29, and I was sort of ignoring things to the best of my abilities, but the shittiness of this fucking team is dragging me down the fucking rabbit hole. I settle in to my first broadcast of TSN Habs feed (we've got Bell up here) only to find out fucking Rod Black was doing play by play. Urge... to kill... RISING!!! Fine, I could live with that crap. Sure, Rod's the worst fucking sports broadcaster in the history of the universe, but whatever. Nobody in the fucking stands due to a giant snowstorm, but whatever. Habs coming off their only win on this road trip so far, we're going to turn this whole road trip around, right? NOT FUCKING BLOODY LIKELY. Instead, we turn in one of the most miserable fucking performances in the history of fucking hockey. Well, maybe I'm exaggerating. The Habs didn't put in any performance at all. They just fucking showed up. Well, not showed up in the metaphorical sense. Their bodies were on the fucking ice, but their minds were buried in the fucking snow. Or with some Long Island road beef or something. They certainly didn't have their fucking heads in that game I'll tell you. Yeah, we had an advantage in shots, but so fucking what? At no time did I have any fucking belief we'd win that game. AND IT'S THE FUCKING ISLANDERS. It's not like they were, I don't know, a real team, like the Caps or something. Is it time to panic? IT IS ABSOLUTLEY FUCKING TIME TO PANIC. This team is fucking falling apart before our eyes. Shall we count the ways? I think fucking not. OK, 3 ways. 1. We can't fucking score. 2. We have no fucking defense. 3. Carey has become human. And possibly tired already. Oh, and Chokula is destroying this team from the inside out, according to my mom. And as you know, mom of 29 is always right.

So if the whole "maybe we're just a fucking shitty team" wasn't bad enough, now the fucking Habs are falling apart IN PRACTICE. THEY'RE FUCKING FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER. I don't know the real story behind what went on and who said something stupid to who and who is a fucking idiot (Chokula) and who has lost control of this team (Chokula) and who is to fucking blame for our current woes (Chokula). One person I don't blame for any of this? PK FUCKING SUBBAN, that's who. He is now getting the royal fucking shaft. Has Swiss Mister II done any better than PFK? Has Captain Picard done any better than PFK? FUCK AND NO. They have not. They are FUCKING WORSE. They are just as fucking shitty in the defensive zone if not worse, and their upside potential is nowhere near what PFK's is. Yet who gets the benefit of the doubt? ANYONE BUT PK FUCKING SUBBAN THAT'S WHO. Do we have one D on this team who can skate with the puck and make a fucking pass and create offense? Yes, one. PK FUCKING SUBBAN THAT'S WHO. Yet who sits in the pressbox? PK FUCKING SUBBAN THAT'S WHO.  He better be fucking playing tonight or we'll soon be three(-ish) Habs Fans as I'll be in Bordeaux for murdering a fucker.

And if the PFK crap wasn't bad enough, now after the Bruins won last night the Habs are in EIGHTH FUCKING PLACE IN THE EAST. There you go. The collapse is upon us people. Matt will be here any fucking minute to tell you that. And it says so in the fucking sidebar! I'm not looking forward to watching this piece of shit team play this fucking game tonight. The only plus side is that Panger is in town and we'll be watching together at Casa del FHF, aka Hurleys. That'll be fucking awesome. The 7-1 final against will not be.

7 PM start from the DC Phone Booth, on RDS and TSN Bell Habs with hopefully not Rod Black. Let the expletives fly in the comments. Go You Fucking Juniors Go.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Hockey is a Skill Game ~ Isles Game review


Apologies FHFers, got writer's CHramp, had to go out and get my broken heart CHecked (as it has skipped a beat 6 of the last 7 games), see if I had a Pants! pulse, wondering if PFK really has water on the knee, why our wrenCHed ankle Habs are having such a fucking brain freeze, OMG! my nose is so red!. Got butterflies in your stomaCH? GYFHG!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

C+H+N+O = TriptoFHFan ~ Isles Game Day Preview and Open Thread

Click the lab notes to embiggin',

The Gazette's notes.

CHem Bros!

In the meantime study Kari's rubber ovenmitts.

... more later ... gone boxing.

~ ~ ~

TFS™ in, PFK and CHicken out.

Friday, December 24, 2010

~ The Best of the (hockey) Season to all FHFers ~

Habs 3, Canes 2: Whaddya mean it's Christmas Eve??!!

LG77 would post this, but her house is still a mess, gifts aren't wrapped, cookies ain't baked, and HOLY HELL HOW IS IT ALREADY CHRISTMAS EVE.

She hears that the Habs performed a minor miracle last night, thanks to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Price... And the fact that they somehow stayed off the refs' naughty list.

But she was too busy actively contemplating acts of homicide at the mall/grocery store so she missed the blessed event.

So, in lieu of an actual game review, here are her tourtières that are about to go into the oven... And that should have been in there two hours ago if the lineup at the SAQ hadn't been 45 minutes long.


Edited by LG77 to fix iPhone typos... Doh!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen, on stage for your dancing pleasure, the Carolina WhalerCanes - Preview and Open Thread

With GG11 still down with the gastro that is ravaging her entire family, and the Habs in desperate need of a dramatic shift in karma, we here at FHF have dug into the archives to whip out an old style stripperriffic preview. That's twice I've used that word this week. Hope you complainers are happy now. Now how does this go again?

Waiting in line details -7 PM start from beautiful downtown Raleigh. Or is it Durham? The game is on old-fashioned TSN that we all get. Maybe McSplooge is busy prepping for the World Juniors and is unavailable. We can dream. As you well know, Habs have lost five of six and are 0-2 on the road trip. The Canes are a respectable 5-3-2 in their last ten, and have won four of five, sitting just outside the bubble in 9th in the East. The Habs won the only meeting so far this year, 7-2. Wait, the Habs once scored 7 goals in a game? I find that hard to believe.

Pay your cover charge to - Caniac Blog in Brazil. No really. It's in Portugese and everything.

Some reading in between lap dances - BR piles on, and  J.T.'s analysis post-Dallas as usual puts the so-called professional analysts to shame.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - birthday boy Scott Gomez has 6 points in his last 4 games. While Squid was pointless in Dallas, he had a 7-game point streak before that.

Skanky Habs to watch - everyone else with a CH on their chest. If we have to pick on someone, we'll go with CHicken. And the defense. Like, all of them.

Hot sexy Canes to watch - old Habs nemesis Cam Ward, while battling some freak eye infection of late, is near the top in some stats, including a .926. Eric Staal was the NHL's third star last week.

Skanky Canes to watch - Chad LaRose pointless in 14.

Not dancing due to too many vodka red bulls - oh Vodkov, wherefore art though? Despite his infection, Cam Ward will start. Jiri I can never spell his name right Tlusty is out with an arm injury. As for the Habs lineup, your guess is as good as mine as to what goes on in Chokula's head. We'll see at 7 PM I guess.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - Strip Clubs Raleigh (warning - talking Ashley Madison ad on loading the page) suggests that Capital Cabaret is the place you wanna go. Who am I to argue with Strip Clubs Raleigh. Capital Cabaret does have a lovely wine list.

Let's hear your dirty, dirty thoughts in the comments

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Tex-ass Whooping ~ Road Trip Diary Game 2 ~ Stars 5 - Habs 2

Famous bush-league 'Decision Points' quotes
that best describe how "unprepared for war"
the Habs were in a second straight
(and 5 out of 6! PANIC!) loss.

~ "You teach a CHild to skate, and he will be able to pass the blueline, except if your CHicken. Tie your fucking skates!"

~ "You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect the lines to the PP effort."

~ "I'm the commander -- see, I don't need to explain -- I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being a Habs GM."

~ "Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties, um, is Vodkov ready yet?." 

~ "I don't think anybody anticipated the breaCH of the defense."

~ "I know that Josh's stick and TFS™ can't coexist peacefully."

~ "They misunderestimated me." ~ Tits from the press box

~ "This is an impressive crowd -- the Habs and the Habs mores. Some people call them elite -- I call them irate."

~ "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the powerplay." Killer Kirk Muller

~ "I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it...I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet...I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one."

~ "You forgot Pouliot."

~ "I don't know where Dustin Boyd is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority."

~ "I trust Goat speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job."

~ "We found their weapons of mass destruction."

~ "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this fucking system."

~ "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our players learning?"

~ "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for PFK to remain as secondary on defense."

~ "Fool me once, twice, three times, fourth time, WTF! a fifth time shame on --shame on you. Fuck FHFers-- we just got fooled again."

~ "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, they never stop thinking about new ways to harm our goalie, and neither do we."

~ "CHocula, you're doing a heck of a job."

~ "Crêpes? My answer is bring them on."

The Morning Skate is wishing you a Happy Holidays for Wednesday, December 22nd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Megan Fox in a bikini...
  • Well, thank goodness we went out and didn't have to watch that. Stars 5, Habs 2. Carey lets in 5 goals on 17 shots. Habs have now lost 5 of their last 6. Habs have lost the first two on the big road trip. Let's face it, now is the time to panic. PANIC! More later today;
  • Even Buffalo can win a game, for fuck's sake;
  • The Caps are back to winning, 5-1 over the Devils;
  • The Blues cool off the Thrash behind Jaro's backup with a 4-2 win;
  • Jonathan Quick gets the shutout in the Kings' 5-0 win over the Avs;
  • Maybe some Down Goes Brown can CHeer us up, a great NHL Letters to Santa post.
TMS is pleased to announce we are taking the holidays off. Well, pleased for us, those of you who wake up at 6 AM or are in London may be disappointed. FHF has a full schedule with this road trip and TMS needs to catch up on his beauty sleep sleep through some holiday hangovers, so don't expect to see us regularly over the next week and a half or so. Let us take the opportunity to wish you bitCHes a Happy Holidays.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Yonder Stars: Dallas Game Preview and Open Thread

The Canadiens, fresh off a loss in the Mile High City, wander down through the desert to find the elusive and rare Stars, who they never seem to play.  Will it be Stars on parade, or Stars-struck?

Stargazing:  Live!  From the American Airlines Arena in Dallas, Texas.  Puck drop at 9:00 pm Eastern on RDS, TSN Habs! and no doubt some sort of all-powerful Texas based tv megastation.  Habs dropped one and are on shaky legs over the last ten, Stars just whupped the Red Wings and lead their division and most of the NHL.  Oh oh.

Star of Wonder:  Brad Richards leads the Stars in goals, assists, points, travel agents calling, and rumours he's headed out of town.  I'll say it right now:  Brad Richards is the shit.  He's a fucking fantastic hockey player.  Loui "Louie" Erikson and James Neal provide decent offensive support, and Kari Lehtonen has started to show why he once went 3rd overall.  Brendan Morrow busted his nose this week, didn't miss a shift, and scored twice.  He must grind his teeth to stumps every time Mickey Ribs opens his fucking whiny mouth.  For the Habs, Cammy has 8 points in his last 7 and he's still pissed because of the losing.  That's good.  Gomez is having a decent December.  Everyone else seems to be plodding along.

O Little Star: 
Little is going right for Benny Pouliot this week;  minus 2 last game, demoted all the way to 13th forward by Chocula at practice this morning.  Big Tits desperately needs back on Plexxe's wing or he's gone by March.  He might be on pace for an okay 65 points, but Mickey Ribs is a whiny, pussified punk asshole and I hate him.  So fuck him again

Stars on Ice: 
Markov.  Dallas is disgustingly healthy, especially since Brendan Morrow does stuff like break his nose, shrug, and wander back out on the ice to crush someone.  There's always the chance Mickey Ribs strains his ankle walking in his new heels.

Star of the Sea: 
Is Price tired?  Is Price getting sloppy?  Unfortunately, the Habs don't have the luxury to find out because they don't score enough goals.  As if the kid didn't have enough pressure being the man in the blue ice in Montreal, he's on a team that scores very little so he needs to be nearly perfect every night.  When he isn't, the Habs lose. 

Stars in the Bright Sky: 
Everything is bigger in the Texas sky, including the big blog known as Defending Big D

Got any gift suggestions for HF10 or Josh Gorges' Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?  (Sorry, stores are all out of myrrh.)  Put them in the comments.

The Game Day Skate wishes HF10 a Happy Birthday for Tuesday, the Winter Solstice

Bullet points for what you missed while sleeping through the lunar eclipse...
  • The Habs' very tenuous hold on first place in the Northeast continues thanks to the Ducks' 3-0 win over the Bs. Still plenty of time on the road trip to fall to 8th;
  • Waffles were thrown and the alleged Monster Gustavsson was pulled in the Leaf's 6-3 loss to the Thrash;
  • Panthers 5, Flyers 0. Huh?
  • Geno had 5 points in the Pens' 6-1 win over the Yotes;
  • Stamkos gets to 100 goals before his 21st birthday in the Bolts' 5-1 win over the Canes;
  • Chokula juggles his lineup at practice yesterday, promises changes for the game tonight;
  • Great piece form JT on the absence of Vodkov and its effect on the D corps.
Will the Stars align tonight for a Habs win? [groan] Would be a nice birthday present for HF10. In honour of the last of the original four besides yours truly still posting, we go old school stripperriffic for his present.

Monday, December 20, 2010

PFK's Road Trip Diary Game 1 - Avs 3, Habs 2

Location: Somewhere between Denver and Dallas
Weather: surprisingly mild in Denver
Team road trip record so far: 0-1-0
Road beef hitting on me so far: 2. Said they liked my cockiness.

Dear Diary,

I know everyone around here complains about the big Christmas road trip, but it's my first one and I am SO excited! We're going to Florida! Maybe I'll get to Disney World!

Well this epic road trip started off well. We had a nice charter flight out of Montreal. Everyone in high spirits after ending our 3-game losing streak against those nasty Bruins. Me and AK played some gin rummy. Took him for five hundred Benjamins. Andrei is not the sharpest tool in the shed. I kept telling him it takes three cards to make a run. He just didn't understand the concept. Or maybe he just doesn't understand English.

Things even started off well in the game last night. We may have started off a bit slow, but I thought we played a fine first period. Came up with a power play goal (nice shot Mikey!) and everything. We were even doing great killing a penalty late in the first. Then I could have sworn we heard a horn go off there, with about 10 seconds left in the period. Why else would we have just stopped playing like that? Ah well. Late period goals aren't really a problem for us, are they?

Oh diary, I really messed it up there in the second didn't I. I tried to clear the puck and it wasn't very good, and they scored the go-ahead goal. The problem is I was thinking too much. SO many thoughts in my head! I know coach was right to put all those thoughts in there, but sometimes they're just a bit too much. I just want to play! This is just between you and me, diary, but I am not sure coach knows how to help develop young players. I seem to be getting worse, not better. But I'm still smiling!

But then again, all of our defense seems to be struggling. I love the Captain, and it was great to see him get a goal, but he also had a bad play that led to a goal. As a unit, we just don't seem to be so good anymore. I wonder if Marky's absence has anything to do with it? Boy I miss him. We're all just gonna have to work harder I guess.

But then, what a third period! We had all sorts of chances. Sure, we couldn't score, but we had so many chances! I counted at least three wide open nets we could have scored on in the last minute or two. And we had six forwards on there. I was SURE we were gonna score! If only my gin rummy sucker buddy Andrei had been on the ice, he could have buried one of those. I figured if you wanted a goal you'd put out your scoring forwards, but I am sure coach knows better than me. He's always right. At least that's what I keep telling the media.

OK on to Dallas! Texas, yeehaw!!!!!

The Morning Skate for Monday, December 20

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of blowing a 21-point fourth quarter lead...
  • We're still trying to process our emotions about the 3-2 loss to the Avs last night. Actually, we're still trying to process that there was a game on a Sunday night. More soon;
  • The Caps' 8-game losing streak is over thanks to a 3-2 win over the Sens. Too bad, we were really enjoying their epic fail;
  • Dallas is starting to get close to the Wings in the West standings after beating them 4-3. Both teams sitting on 20 wins;
  • Jack Todd loves the Donald Fehr hiring.
CHeer up kids. It's almost CHristmas.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Read it in the Sunday Bloggers ~ Avs Game preview and open thread

Did someone forget to deliver the fucking paper? Was the paperboy CHecked into oblivion by PFK!? Do people still line their birdcages with the ink-stained wretCH Richard Tremblay's latest? Get yourself a cup o' java, dip that croissant into some sweet, sweet jam, squeeze your fresh squeezed, rope up your best bathrobe/smoking/scotCH jacket or just go au naturel and pick up the Sunday paper, lay it out in sections, start with the sports, avoid the car ads and enjoy.

Lame Front Page Headline ~ Habs in the Rockies, seek to climb standings vs. Avs

Weather ~ Cold; look out the window - Hot; PatCHes!

Television ~ RDS/TSN, 8pm, see if you can watCH the entire game without getting to section ZZZ's.

Sports ~ RDS still thinks Avs are the Nordiques, Michel Bergeron still Cupless.

Classifieds ~ For Sale, CHeap, barely used, Dustin 'The Wind' Boyd.

Business ~ QUIDAM!, Molson's (TAP) Bell Centre seeks to make more millions, sends hockey team away for two weeks, media cirCHus follows.

Arts ~ Movie Review, TRONna; Legacy, still sucks, DaftPunk doesn't!

At Home & Road Travel ~ Your Habs are 12-5-5 & 7-6-0, COL is 9-4-1 & 9-6-3

Personals ~ SWM, likes hockey, blogging, drinking wine and downloading apps, seeks SWF who likes hockey, blogging, drinking wine and downloading apps.

National ~ Canada's Top NHL team is Montréal. Deal with it haters.

TeCHnology ~ We test iJuggle, a hockey line generating app, uses shake, GPS still hasn't located Brad RiCHards. Next week we test iJiggle.

Health ~ Look at all that blood, Killer Squid got some stitCHes, Lego works out.

Politics/Editorial ~ HNIC; how to stack a biased hockey panel, its time to exterminate the Cockroach Broadcasting Corporation.

Culture & History ~ Read some J.T.

Xmas feature ~ Advent calendars aren't just for kids.

Jobs ~ Ryan O'Byrne found one in Colorado.

Style ~ Moey is accesorizin'. PFK is lookin' sharp.

Cartoons ~ Funnier than Marmaduke.

Special Advertisement Feature ~ Ice cream, its like meth but better.

Entertainment ~ A Joe Jackson Double Bill (next parody after the intermission)

Milbury doesn't go out any more
Just shits at home and rolls his spastic eyes
But every weekend through the cbc bore
Come words of wisdumb from hnic's worst of guys

If you want to know about the pylon and the actress
If you want to know just read The Star
If you want to know about Burke's stained mattress
You can read it in the Sunday papers, Sunday papers

PJ's wheelCHair stays out in the hall
We should go out when the tvs on
Cockroaches move beyond these walls
He'll know the facts when Sunday comes along

If you want to know about ron & don gone bonkers
If you want to know how to be a left wing pinkers
If you want to know about the leaf fan suckers
You can read it in the Sunday bloggers, read it in the Sunday bloggers

FHF bloggers we ask the questions
FHF bloggers we tell no lies
FHF bloggers we raise objections
FHF bloggers we got no Pants!

HABrothers heading west now with the man PatCHes!
Just read some BR made my hair turn blue
Well I got nothing against most of the press
Gazette wouldn't print Todd if it wasn't true

If you want to know about 0-man's big, um, television
If you want to know how to drive iRiRi iWild
If you want to know about the new PleXXXe position
You can read it in the FHF bloggers, read it in the FHF bloggers

FHF bloggers we ask the questions
FHF bloggers we tell no lies
FHF bloggers we raise objections
FHF bloggers we got no Pants!


FHF bloggers we ask the questions
FHF bloggers we tell no lies
FHF bloggers we raise objections
FHF bloggers we got no Pants!

Read all about it, FHF bloggers!


Saturday, December 18, 2010

Eye of the Squid: Habs 4, Bruins 3

Mr. LG77 (after the events depicted above): "Wow. It's like the Habs' balls dropped tonight. They're hitting people and manning up. Fuckin' weird."

Wow. Beating the Bruins is incredibly satisfying and words can't describe how happy I was to see last night's game in person. The Martin "system" actually looked like a system (well, for 40 solid minutes) and there were so many firsts and other interesting things happening on the ice...

There are so many thoughts going through my head that I can't limit myself to just one theme for this review. So, without further ado, and using a number purely picked at random that is absolutely not important to me at all, here are my 33 thoughts about last night's game, divided up into three periods, typed into my iPhone while I was at the Bell Centre:

First Period:

  • Ugh. Should not have had the Smoked Meat. Definitely not worth the second mortgage on my house.
  • Holy shit! Squid's getting a penalty shot! Bet you anything he's gonna miss this oppor....
  • Do my eyes deceive me? Are the Habs actually doing progressive line changes and having the defence and forwards change at DIFFERENT times? Wow - they may actually get some offence going in this game!
  • GOAL! WOOO! Oh, shit, wait, it's a two-goal lead...
  • Scott Gomez + paintball gun + unlimited ammo + broadside of the barn = not one shot would hit the barn.
  • While Chara may be a big, dumb tree, I still don't get why we boo his ass. Ryder was making fucking paper airplanes in the pressbox and he doesn't get booed anymore.
  • Did the in-game hostess get a boob job, or is she just wearing an exceptionally tight shirt?
  • Shit. They scored. We're gonna lose now...
  • GOAL! WOOOO! Plan the parade, people!!
  • Max-Pac is playing an inspired game. I wonder what the over/under is for when the Martin is going to sink in and beat the creativity out of him.
Second Period:
  • 2-goal leads make me so very nervous with this team. It allows Martin to think we can play passive defensive shell, which then leads to disastrous momentum shifts. And, then, when it becomes time to turn on the jets again, it's too little, too late.
  • Gionta's broken French cracks me up. At least he's a good sport about it... even though he looks like he's trying to pass a kidney stone in these godawful ads.
  • "On veut des ailes" - chanting in cheap seats at the start of the period. A little early to be having visions of chicken wings along with the sugarplums, no?
  • Fuck, how many goals would Big Tits have if he would just stop shooting the puck DIRECTLY at opposing defencemen??
  • Challenging the Bruins in the neutral zone and pressuring them relentlessly has led them to look really disorganized. The Habs are finally using their speed against an opponent! Yay!
  • Argh, they scored off a lucky deflection off of Picard. Sigh. Yep, we're gonna lose.
  • Oddly enough, we're playing better defence in THEIR zone than in ours this period. Our D sucks in our own end, and it's starting to cost us... Getting really worried now.
  • HOLY FUCKING SHIT. An unannounced midget wrestling match breaks out at the Bell Centre and the Squid wins by submission!!
  • Michael "Killer" Cammalleri? To me, that's like naming a toy poodle or a chihuahua Killer. While it may initially have been done for vaguely ironic reasons, both the dog and its owner inevitably wind up looking ridiculous.
  • GOAL! WOOOOOO! I'm going to go pick out my lawn chair for the parade right fucking now!!
  • Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we now have a First/Second/1A/1B line!!
Third Period
  • Some girls ask for jewelry for their birthday, I ask for free chicken wings. I'll make a necklace from the bones, if I have to.
  • Shit, PK just took another penalty. Two blemishes in an otherwise solid game from the rookie. Bet you anything the CBC is shitting all over him right now. Gosh, those HNIC analysts remind me of cockroaches.
  • No, seriously why is the in-game hostess' skin so orange? Does she have some kind of a skin condition or does she use a tanning bed as her sleeping coffin at night?
  • Oh, and now Bill McCreary has decided to start calling shit. Death, taxes, one-sided calls by McCreary in the third. Someone needs to tell him Movember is over.
  • Shit, now it's 4-3. I rescind the chicken wings wish. Now I just want two points in regulation... which we won't get because the collapse is totally imminent.
  • Aaaand, now they're dumping the puck for line changes. SonofamotherfuckinggahIcan'teven... *head explodes*
  • You know, Darche Vader is smart. He hits Chara lower on his body, which messes with his centre of gravity and slows him down way more than when he gets hit by other players. Did he take a physics elective while he was at McGill instead of a bird course like "Moons for Goons" or "Clapping for Credits"? Loser.
  • People two rows behind me are singing "Hey Hey Goodbye" with a one-goal lead and a surging Bruins team. I told them politely to please refrain from singing that song at this particular point in the game. There may have been an expletive or dozen in that sentence. Maybe.
  • Shit, they've pulled Timmie out of his net. Pleasedon'tchoke. Pleasedon'tchoke.
  • YAY! I I don't have to recap another loss to a loathsome opponent!!! Plan the parade, bitches!!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Sportscasters.... er, former Bruin employees in dirty pantries shouldn't throw stones

Hey Mike, we checked out your Wikipedia page and we're fairly certain that you can drop the word professional from your ice hockey analyst bio now. 

TMS hungover Sexy Friday

Hey. Looks like the Habs won last night. Here's the long-form video highlights to relive your Bob Cold nightmare and something sexy for Friday (here's more from that series). More later today. Remember kidz, when you're drinking scotch on your boss's dime, have a glass of water or two along the way. Please keep it down. Thankss.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Trouble Bruin: Free Falling Habs versus Boston Game Preview and Open Thread

Oh hell, it's the Bruins. Usually I'd be all sorts of wound up angry for a tilt with those black and gold wearing fuckers from lower Vermont, but based on the current rudderless Chocula version of the Habs (remember the day before the Red Wings game? Glory Days!!!) I'm assuming we're looking at playing Wicked Witch of the West to the Bruins big pail of water ce soir. Witch way does this one go?

Make yourself a Sandwitch: Game time at the Bell Centre cauldron is 7:00 pm. Do mine eyes deceiveth me, or is that another CBC broadcast, along with RDS and the blatant homerism of NESN.

It's Witchcraft: Habs on longest losing streak of the year at three games, with last night's mess versus Philly fresh in their minds. Bruins on their longest losing streak of the year too after dropping one to Buffalo last night.

Spellbinding: On the Habs, the offensive wizardry isn't exactly overwhelming. "Much maligned" Scott Gomez showed that he does indeed make a difference to this team. Max Pac played with an entirely different mindset than 2009 Max Pac and looked good. Pleks and Cammy have look cursed lately (with a bad case of the stone handed Moen?) but both had points last night. Benny Pouliot looks more and more like a keeper all the time, huh? Bruins win with the fat wizardly toad Tim Thomas's goaltending and the giant troll Chara's defending, but rampaging orc Milan Lucic is having a great season so far, on pace for 40 plus goals. It helps that David Krejci is also off to a superb start, on pace for more points than any Hab.

Toil and trouble: Bruins goalie Tuukka Rask is having a rough season, with only two wins in ten games. What of Blake Wheeler, who is pointless in 5 and limping along with 10 points in 29 games? On the Montreal side, the struggles of PK are well documented, and Big Tits is morphing into Kovy-lite with this funk.

Black cat thrown in front of the bus: Markov cursed. Boston's Trent Whitfield struck down with Achilles spell. Mark Stuart broke his right spell casting finger, and rookie Tyler "Kessel Trade" Seguin is questionable with flu-like symptoms.

A dash of newt, a hand of stone: Look, I don't want to pick on Travis Moen, because he's great at what he does. But what he does isn't "play on a scoring line". It's "play on a third or fourth line" where he can dig and hit and kill penalties with the best of them. But Chocula's insistence on handicapping Pleks and Cammy with Moen lately is killing me. Did he finally see the light and add Big Tits or Chicken to that line last night? Here's hoping. The latest line potion making looks like a Carbo special. I hated the Carbo line shuffle.

The Great Big Book of Evil: Our old friend Cornelius could have written the book on being a Bruins fan, but he's okay. He's like the Draco to our Potter; tries to be all evil and stuff, but in the end there is a grudging acknowledgment that we're good with each other.

The Witching Hour: Nothing good happens after midnight, folks. Get the hell inside and avoid confrontation with evil black and gold wearing beings. If you have to be out, hope that you run into a witch like this:

Quoting Homer ~ game review

~ Homer quotes à propos last night's loss ~

About bandwagoners; "Operator! Give me the number for 911!"

About the third period; "By their own follies they perished, the fools."

About CHocula's 'System'; "You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons."

About FHFers enjoying 4 days off and a shitty loss; "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

About dealing with the losses; "Inflaming wine, pernicious to mankind, Unnerves the limbs, and dulls the noble mind."

About PFK: "Kid, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

About not enough sexy babe pics: "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such." (mildly NSFW)

About mcsplooge; "He knew the things that were and the things that would be and the things that had been before."

About Benoit Brunet's mind: "If something goes wrong at the plant, (don't) blame the guy who can't speak English." 

About making the playoffs; "Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal."

About the defense: "Of men who have a sense of honor, more come through alive than are slain, but from those who flee comes neither glory nor any help."

About losing 3 in a row; "D'Oh!"

About team play; "Light is the task where many share the toil."

About slipping towards 8th; "Umm, beer!"

About PFK; "If you are very valiant, it is a god, I think, who gave you this gift."

About last Saturday night; "Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!" 

About the feared collapse; "It was built against the will of the immortal gods, and so it did not last for long."

About the porous defense; "Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?"

About losing 3 in a row; "The fates have given mankind a patient soul."

About dealing with the losses; "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose : its how drunk you get."

About coming back vs. the fucking Bruins; "There is a strength in the union even of very sorry men."

About slipping towards 8th; "Be still my heart; thou hast known worse than this."

In about 7 hours; "Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it."

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, December 16

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being named person of the year...
  • Well for a while there in the third period that was a great game. Habs had just tied it at 3 and were playing very well. Then a ref missed a slash on CHicken's face right in front of him, but caught whatever penalty the Flyers drew, then it was all kinds of defensive lapses and it was all downhill from there. Flyers 5, Habs 3. First three-game losing streak of the season. Would you say it's time to panic? No comment. More later today;
  • We're still hanging on to first place in our division by a thread thanks to the Bs losing to the Sabres;
  • Sid managed to extend his point scoring streak, but the Pens lose their second in a row, 4-1 to the Rangers, who if you haven't noticed are playing well all of a sudden;
  • Caps lose again, though they manged a point as the Ducks beat them in OT. Anyone who saw the premiere of Pens-Caps 24/7 last night knows Bruce Boudreau is gonna have some fucking choice words in the fucking dressing room;
  • Hey, look what the Devils can do! Brodeur with a shutout and Kovalchuk with 2 goals in a 3-0 win over the Yotes;
  • Took a shootout loss to cool of the Thrashers, 2-1 by the Bolts;
  • Here's a token West game - Halak loses 5-2 to the Wings.
OK Bs tonight. Luckily TMS will be at his office Christmas party and won't have to witness our slide to 8th place in the East.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Facing The Beast - Phlyers preview and open thread

Around these parts, there has been a lot of talk lately about who we are scared of. The general consensus is that it's the Phucking Phlyers. And after the Flyers ended the Pens' streak last night to take over the lead in everything, there is no question that Philly is The Beast (of the East). Be afraid kids. Be very, very, afraid.

Somewhere in Time - 7:30 PM from the Bell. On TSN and RDS. Habs coming off the crappiest weekend ever, Flyers coming off that win last night to the Pens, and are 5-0-1 in their last 6. Habs and Flyers have split their two games so far this year; two very, very entertaining games.

Can I Play with Madness - Ryan and his gang over at Flyers Goal Scored By are quite mad, but fun to play with, so go ahead and play.

Best of The Beast - I defy you to name me a Hab who could be considered "hot" right now. The only answer I guess is Squid, who's scored in three of the last four games. For the Flyers, name your poison. Brière and Giroux are scoring. And now Brian Boucher is putting up quality goalie numbers, 3-0-1, 1.20 GAA, .957 save % in his last 4, though Bobrovsky will probably start as Boucher played last night.

Dance of Death - Tits has landed in JM's funeral parlour (Topham may have found the reason why), probably ruined forever. Philly is the best team in the league, no dying players there right now.

No Prayer for the Dying - Looks like both SpaCHes and Gomez are gonna play, despite SpaCHes saying yesterday he was 50-50.  Swiss Mister II, Pie, and two-time waiver loser Boyd are the healthy scratches. For the Flyers, Laperierre is concussed.

The X-Factor - The AHL's leading goal-scorer PatCHes makes his debut for the Habs this season. Let's all enjoy Chokula fucking him up forever. Or him getting a hat trick.


Richards came across his "C"
He brought PK pain and misery
He killed his smile, he killed his speed
He called him cocky for his own need

We'll fight them hard, we'll fight them well
Out on the rink, we'll give 'em hell
A sold-out Bell, so much to see
Oh please JM, set PK free

Skating through slashing and dirty play
Grueling to play with the pain
Chasing the Phucktards back to their holes
Fighting them at their own game

Shelley suspended, a check in the back
Flyers are assholes and assholes attack

Run to the hills, run for your lives
Run to the hills, run for your lives

Complaining to refs is a fucking waste
Hooking and spearing's their game
Hating their women and wasting the men
Their style of play's always the same

29's drinkin' whiskey and smoking a bowl
Leavin' CHicks to the young 'cause he is too old

Run to the hills, run for your lives
Run to the hills, run for your lives
(guitar solo)

Oh oh oh oh

Run to the hills, run for your lives (x4)


The Game Day Skate CHecks out some cheerleaders for Wednesday, December 15

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the elimination of the penny (or having nightmares of it we guess, if you're the sentimental type)...
  • Last night the Oilers debuted their cheerleaders ("the Octane"- oil, gas, octane, get it?) but it wasn't enough to stop the red-hot Leaf, who won 4-1;
  • The Flyers end the Pens' winning streak at 12 with a 3-2 win. Flyers take over the division, conference and league leads. Wouldn't want to be the team that plays them next;
  • All signs point to Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc! joining Canada's junior team.
More on the Flyers coming up in a bit. Talk amongst yourselves. Or, watch this video of the Octane.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, December 14

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of your streak ending...
  • The Sens did manage to come back from three goals down, they did manage to get some points form their pointless captain, but end up losing in OT 4-3 to the Thrash;
  • The rest of the games were in the West, so really, who cares? Here's a link to an NHL scoreboard. Highlights include Jonathan Quick stopping 51 shots to shutout the Wings, the Little Fuckity Fuck scoring a goal in a Dallas win, and a wild 7-5 win for the Avs over the Hawks, as down 5-4, the Avs scored 3 goals in the last 2:24 of the game to win;
  • A Phlyer got suspended. No really, it's true!
  • Dustin Boyd placed on waivers. Again;
  • Just in case you missed the practice lines in the comments yesterday, let's get them down for all eternity: Gio-PatCHes-Pie, Pleks-Squid-Moen, Tits-Laps-Halpern, and CHicken-Lego-DarCHe. Basically take all your offensive players and spread them around all four lines. You know, because we're such a high-scoring team, or something.
We are really starting to get nervous for this Philly-Bs double.

Monday, December 13, 2010

The Morning Skate drops the gloves for Monday, December 13

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of your stadium roof collapsing. Hmm, maybe we shouldn't make fun, we're pretty sure that's happened around here...
  • If you're upset about the Habs crappy weekend, take solace we're not Caps fans, losers of six in a row thanks to Rangers 7, Caps 0. It was so bad for the Caps that Ovie got into a fight. Vid below;
  • Sedins all over both goals as the Nucks beat the Oil 2-1;
  • Corey Perry has a hat trick in the Ducks' 6-2 win over the Wild;
  • PatCHes gets called up from Hamilton. Perhaps we should have a contest predicting how Chokula will screw him up;
  • Leahy over at Puck Daddy sticks up for PFK.
OK so do we go with the "let's just forget the whole weekend ever happened" philosophy or the "let's drink ourselves blind to forget the whole weekend ever happened" philosophy? Except for LG77's excellent debut, this weekend was a joke. And not in the funny haha kind of way.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Game Review - Heroes vs. Zeroes: Leafs 3, Habs, er... well... GSP! GSP!!

With apologies those of you who couldn't shive a git about the UFC, I'm also a MMA fan. It just so happens that last night, 542.3 kms away from the ACC, another one of Montreal's heroes, Georges Saint-Pierre was taking on another loathesome douchebag opponent, Josh Koscheck. This is the guy who, after he WON a fight at the Bell Centre last year, told the crowd that the Penguins were going to kick the Habs' ass in the playoffs. He seems to be trying to model himself after a Heel in the WWE, but he's unfortunately not smart enough to do so.

Ah, Koscheck, a total idiot poseur, asshole to all, loved by only the truly delusional...

... Remind you guys of anything?


The hated Leaf.

Making fun of the Leafs just isn't as much fun as it used to be. I mean, it's become kind of like mocking the kids on the "Special Bus". Sure, they're wearing helmets, water wings and innertubes on dry land, but they can't help the fact that they were born that way. It just doesn't seem particularly sporting or kind to make fun of them.

A pearl of wisdom from this Mensa candidate to the fighters he was "training":
"The harder you train now, the later you reap the rewards."

But when the special needs kid actually kicks the hero's ass, well it's just humiliating. The hero is tarnished somehow, going from Superman to, well... Bryan Singer's version of Superman.

The Habs played a boring, listless game that they deserved to lose, notwithstanding Squid's spark of life late in the 2nd. To quote Moey in yesterday's game thread: "What's irritating about this game is we know the Habs can skate circles around these douchebags but obviously they can't be arsed."

And, to top it all off, they got bush league reffing for the second game in a row, this time, against a bush league opponent.

All in all, a terrible night of hockey, as forgettable and painful as the bullshit "Homecoming" ceremony/circlejerk that opened the game at the ACC.

Pointing out the fact that JM's system may not be the Bestest, Smartest System Evah (TM MSM) seems to be a major faux pas according to established media groupthink for Habs fans since last year's playoffs. I'll therefore settle for asking three questions:
  1. JM's devotion to short shifts leads to the Habs dumping the puck into the opposing team's end for a line change on almost every shift, thereby allowing their opponents to pick up speed and set up their offence with ease. Wouldn't those types of line changes necessarily kill a speedier team's attempts to build any momentum from shift to shift? (See especially, the first period of last night's game.)
  2. How much of JM's "genius" comes from the fact that, since March, he has been blessed by otherworldly goaltending?
  3. If PK has "learned his lesson" and has renewed his commitment to playing within JM's defence-first system, why does seem to be broken? Shouldn't he be learning how to take wrist shots first?
Mercifully, Montreal won't need a collective prescription for anti-depressants thanks to GSP! GSP! GSP!!!

Winning by unanimous decision, he made Koscheck's face look like badly ground beef after 5 rounds of punishment. After the fight, it became clear that all Joshie-Poo needed in order to get some class and lose the douchey attitude is to get the shit kicked out of him in front of an "olé oléing" and "hey, hey goodbying" hometown crowd of the "French Canadians" he so loathes.

Habs, take note of this phenomenon. We think it MAY apply in hockey too. Your next assignment against the hated Leaf is on February 12th at the Bell Centre. We'll be ready to uphold our end of the bargain.

Don't shit the bed next time.