The Game 4 Day Skate FUCK YEAH BITCHES

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Miranda Kerr in a bikini...

• Double OT mania last night! In New York, the Caps crushed the Rangers' collective soul when they a) scored 3 goals in the 3rd to tie it and b) scored in 2OT to take a 3-1 series lead;
• The Pens did the same thing, minus the 3-goal comeback and over the Lightning;
• Die, PHucktards, die! Ryan Miller 1, PHucktards 0 to even the series 2-2;
• We have our first conference semi-final participant! Wings 6, Yotes 3. Last game in Phoenix ever?
• Saku scored to help the Ducks even their series with the Preds with a 6-3 win;
• The Bulldogs lost and their playoff series is even at 2;
• Everyone's talking about the potential return of CHallah/Matzoh tonight;
• François Gagnon's very important take on... the Rush show;
• From the Boston Globe: Sox finally win a road game and the Celtics bench needs to be better. Though they do have a very nice piece on Gio.

GAME FOUR. PIVOTAL. Yes it's 5 AM and we can't sleep. Wake up bitCHes and get started on that routine early. WAKE UP.

The Game Three Day Skate for Monday, April 18th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Microsoft changing patent law forever...

• Credit to the Rangers for not rolling over and coming out of Game 3 with a 3-2 win to narrow the Caps' series lead to 2-1;
• Don't expect to see a repeat Cup champion this year as Vanc takes a 3-0 series lead over the Hawks with a 3-2 win;
• Preds grab a 2-1 series lead after a 4-3 win over the Ducks;
• The Montreal Juniors are out of the playoffs;
• Jack Todd is reasonable today, albeit his usual over the top bloviating way;
• From the Boston Globe: Ray Allen comes up big with a three to win Game 1 for the Celts, and the Sox are back on track after winning their second in a row. Oh, and the Bruins are desperate.

Matza! Four glasses of wine! It's Passover seder #1 tonight! Oh sure, you could watch Game 3 of Habs-Bs, but then you'd be missing all the fun of five hours of praying. Yes we're bitter about this scheduling conflict. ANYWAY, as we have yet to post this at FHF, here's this year's Annakin Slayd entry. Seems like pretty much the same as previous years, but FOR PATCHES.

THE GAME ONE DAY SKATE WOOOOOOOO

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being found guilty of obstruction of justice...

• Hey the playoffs started last night! The Rangers almost pulled an upset, but Alexander Semin ended his playoff scoring drought with the OT winner for the Caps;
• Alex Kovalev scored in the playoffs to no one's surprise and the Pens skated to a 3-0 win over the Bolts;
• Luongo gets a shutout to open the Hawks-Nucks series;
• We think we would root for the Preds if they weren't playing Suku: Preds 4, Ducks 1;
• Detroit won, yawn;
• Canada's team for the double eye is pretty much set;
• Some good stuff to read from: JT, Number31, Kyle Roussel, Boston Globe, Hickey, and Boone cleverly sneaks a fellatio reference past his Gazette editors.

Less than 15 hours 'til puck drop. Deep breath. Maybe the wonder that is Paul Mara's playoff beard on Day 1 will calm us down:

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, April 7th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of shopping in the U.S. or having nightmares of being an exporter...

• The Whalercanes just refuse to go away quietly. Good for them. Shut out the Red Wings 3-0 to get within 2 points of 8th in the East;
• The Caps are pretty close to clinching the number one seed in the East after beating the Cats 5-2;
• And the Bs are within two points of 2nd in the East after beating the Isles 3-2;
• The Leaf losing is always fun, 4-2 to the Devils;
• Even though the Flames beat the Oil 6-1, they were eliminated from the playoffs because of wins by the Ducks (6-2 over the Sharks in a possible 2-7 preview, where Corey Perry's hat trick got him to 50) and HF10's favourite team (4-3 over the Blues in OT);
• The Kings get an x next to their name thanks to another SO win, 3-2 over the Yotes;
• TSN finally gives PFK some props, thanks to my strip club partner John Lu (here's the vid).

Yes, you read that time stamp correctly. We couldn't sleep with all the excitement of the big Ottawa game tonight.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, March 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of what could have been...

• HUGE night in the N last night, with uh, hmmm, a couple of games out West. Was there Monday night football or something? Forty year old Finnish Flash had a hat trick for the Ducks, and Todd Bertuzzi had an incident;
• Ovie was back at practice following his "rest" for "undisclosed injuries" to "get better for the playoffs" (i.e. community service for killing a Russian hooker);
• Sports Club Stats has the Habs at 98.5% to make the playoffs. Sounds good! And here's some magic numbers table, which after 10 minutes we have yet to figure out. We've put both these links in a new box on the right so you can check them every minute to raise your blood pressure;
• Your power rankings roundup see the Habs take some very expected drops: 8 to 17 (ESPN), 8 to 15 (THN) and 11 to 14 (TSN). Uh, thanks TSN?

Thrashers tonight. One goal, pretty please?

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, March 22nd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Charlie Sheen back on Two and a Half Men...

• Scoreboardwatcher thinks the Wings suck. They come back from 4-0 down to the Pens only to lose in OT;
• Flames lose out on a precious point with an SO loss to the Kings. The win jumped the Kings twelve spots in the West clusterfuck;
• That's it for games? Isn't this supposed to be the busiest time of year?
• PFK is the third star of the week;
• The promotion of sCHrabble to the Habs and the demotion to Hamilton of, um, the other sCHrabble;
• Oh Matt Cooke. Oh NHL. Cooke suspended 10 games plus one round of the playoffs (the 4-5 matchup with the Habs);
• Manny Malhotra's season is over;
• Today's Phoneix / Glendale news is not good for the Coyotes. It's good for Winnipeg;
• Ovie is taking a little vacation, likely through the game with the Habs this Saturday;
• Your weekly power rankings roundup has the Habs in 8th (ESPN), 8th (THN) and 11th (TSN, sigh).

Buffalo comes a-callin' tonight. Here's the view from Buffalo, in a new Game Day Skate feature called, uh, "View from the other city." We're still working on that part.

The Morning Game Day Sexy Friday Skate for March 18th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Brooklyn Decker naked (lap dance to Steve we think it was)...

• HELL to the yes. Hamilton 3, Bolts-Vinny 2 (SO). I have no idea why Dawges went first in the shootout, and from the 7th row behind the Habs bench I told CHokula as much and my section agreed. We all had a good laugh when he scored. Credit Carey and Gio and Tits and discredit CHickenshit, though in his defense there was a non-call on the Bolts right before he got snagged. Bulldogs now 3 points out of both fifth and third. On some personal TMS notes, gros merci à notre chum MC; and LG, sorry we missed you post-game. More later today;
• The 3 points from 3rd is thanks to the Bs only managing a point against the Preds;
• Good job wasting your chance to actually get somewhere in the standings, Leaf! Fla 4, TO 0;
• Devils could have tied the Leaf but couldn't even beat the Sens;
• The Leaf is down to 11th tho as the Thrash are in 10th after their win over the Phlyers in a shootout;
• The Flames move back into 8th with a 5-2 win over the Avs;
• The Stars also leap up in the West clusterfuck with a 5-0 win over the Hawks;
• Dagger (2G) and Jaro lead the way in the Blues 4-0 win over the Kings;
• We assume you know by now that PatCHes could be back for the playoffs;
• 2 game suspension for a Bruin. See, it's possible!
• In case you missed it in the comments yesterday, here's Boone (and yours truly) fawning over Jo- er, GG11 in the Gazette's special monthly HIO synergy thing.

Well, right back at it on a Friday night on Broadway. Before we get there, the TMS Sexy Friday multimedia exxxtravaganza starts with long form video highlights after a win and the best Australian real estate commercial you'll see this week (via). And because we canceled Sexy Friday last week, we'll give you a bonus random Jessica Biel pic, and even offer something for you ladies, hunky Friday Night Lights star Taylor Kitsch. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

The Game Day Skate for St. Paddy's Day

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of MARCH MADNESS BABY!

• The Leafs are in the playoffs!!! The Leafs are in the playoffs!!! Or so we've been told following their 3-1 win over Carolina;
• It took the Wings to do it, but the Caps' winning streak is finally over;
• The Canucks clinched a playoff berth with a win over the Avs. Seems pretty early for that, so well done Vancouver;
• Saku's Ducks get to 8th in the West with a win over the Blues;
• The NHL Wheel of Justice lands on 2 games for Dany Heatley for his elbow to Steve Ott. No word on Marchand yet, the league is still waiting for the envelope from the Bruins;
• Looks like PleXXXe and CHala are day to day, but the Habs called up Nigel Dawes and Aaron Palushaj anyway;
• An Angus Reid poll of Canadians shows that violence in hockey is a problem;
• The biggest issue at the NHL GM meetings is spin-o-ramas on shootouts.

Bolts in town tonight. Yours truly will be in attendance (in excellent seats I believe) and given it's St Patrick's Day, pretty drunk. So be sure to look for a half red half white Habs jersey puking on people in suits in the reds.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, the Ides of March

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Internet Explorer 9..

• Haha, suck it CotU. Tampa 6, Leaf 2. Being reported everywhere as "Leafs playoff chances take hit" . Like they had a chance in the first place;
• The Nucks become the first team to 100 points this season with a 4-2 win over the Wild, though that benchmark means dick all in the charity point era;
• Chicago's first win in over a week gets them to 4th in the West;
• At the NHL GMs meeting, Fuckface Bettman announced his five point plan for preventing concussions. None of the points was "punish the person who caused them". JT has a great take on the five points. The NHL Wheel of Justice has its own answers;
• On the same day, Sid skated for the first time since his concussion;
• Pronger needs surgery on his hand and will be out 3-4 weeks. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy;
• Your weekly power rankings have the Habs 8th (ESPN), THN is incomplete, and TSN DROPPED them a spot to 11th after noting they've won 6 of their last 7. Fuck you. The Rangers, SEVEN POINTS BEHIND US, are 9th. Fuck you. The Blackhawks, with a worse record, who lost all their games last week, are 4th. FUCK YOU;
• Habs Addict has compiled reactions from media and fans (including some dude named "Allen" from FHF) about PatCHes and the lack of suspension;
• For the second week in a row, FHF whipping boy Jack Todd speaks the truth;
• A reader ("WS") sent us some cartoons with Fuckface Cherry. We told him we already have the best Photoshopper around, so he went and started a blog with his work, including good Cherry stuff;
• For Montrealers who enjoy seeing Team 990 suffer, this is awesome;
• Our thoughts and prayers go out to Michael Farber, who has begun treatment for cancer. We actually met him back in the day, when he interviewed us for a Page 3 Gazette piece he did on our 1985 Reach for the Top team (long story). You're one of the good ones Michael, get well soon.

OK Caps visit tonight, preceded by a (hopefully) peaceful demonstration in front of the Bell against the NHL. Given we live 3 blocks away, we'll check it out and report back tomorrow.

The Bruins Game Day Skate for Tuesday, March 8th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of the continuing integration of Canada's media landscape...

• We hope you like more than 60 minutes of hockey;
• Caps need a shootout win over the Bolts to keep first place in their division;
• Stars need an OT win over the Kings to win their 5th in 6 games and jump about 4 spots in the West clusterfuck;
• Blues need a shutout win over the BJs to, uh, keep their hold on 13th?
• TFS was the NHL's third star of the week;
• The lawsuit in Glendale we reported yesterday has been put on hold. We don't know what this means. What are we, lawyers?
• There's a whole kerfuffle about Bruce Boudreau calling Steve Stamkos a diver. Meh, whatever. How does this affect the Habs?
• Another set of GG11 Israel pics, just as good as the last ones;
• Your weekly power rankings roundup has the Habs in 11th (ESPN), 10th (The Hockey News) and 10th (TSN, who have the Bs FIRST. You know, to fuck with Habs fans after ranking their team so high for a change).

FUCK YOU, YOU "FIRST PLACE" BRUINS. You will DIE tonight. We are so excited we cannot sleep.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, March 1

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being as delusional (i.e. full of blow and porn stars) as Charlie Sheen...

• As the Goat said "There were only 16 trades today and four of them didn’t even include any NHL players. That’s not very many." Though we're not sure calling your team "competent" is a ringing endorsement. So enjoy your Habs kids, they are what they are, Mexican and all;
• The Goat's blockbuster was shoring up the goalie situation in Hamilton;
• Here's a trade roundup. The only "big" deal (and we use that term loosely) was Dustin Penner to the Kings. Maybe Jason Arnott to the Caps, but he's well past his due date. The Nucks stocked up on ex-Habs to create a 4th line, Higgins and Mad Max;
• Oh look, a TSN panel member picked the Habs as trade deadline losers. Puck Daddy gave us a B-;
• From around the Habosphere: Number31 writes my favourite sentence of the year: "So in your fat face, Randy Tieman" and All Habs accurately describes Habs fans as restless. They must have been reading squidly77's comments yesterday;
• Just two games last night, both in the West so we don't care.

OK, it's MARCH for fucks's sake. Lousy Smarch weather. That means the season is almost over! Gah! Anyway, your old-look Habs begin the stretch run tonight with the first of three games from warmer climes, in Atlanta.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, February 24th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the fact that alcohol is good for you...

• Sabres snap their losing streak with a win over the Thrash and take over 9th spot in the East, all done in front of their new owner Terry Pegula;
• Ottawa scored 5 goals! Well done! Sure, it was over Florida, but give 'em credit. Sens 5, Fla 1, snapping the Sens' 10-game home losing streak;
• Bolts crush the Yotes (hey that rhimes! sort of) 8-3;
• Pens are now 2-5-2 since Geno went down after losing 3-2 in OT to the Sharks;
• Kings win the battle of SoCal 3-2;
• Mathieu Schneider found a job with the NHLPA;
• Here's the Bieber-Gretzky air hockey match that was all over the intertubes yesterday;
• Looks like RDS will exercise its option to broadcast Habs games in 2013-2014;
• Hickey has a pretty good look at the Habs playoff position.

Leafs in town tonight. Please join us in wishing GoldenGirl11 a very happy birthday. Perhaps for her birthday she would like to have a slow dance with a Hab, as presented in this week's video (lap dance to iRiRi as usual), which is really full of all kinds of win. Gill is awesome as usual at the :20 second mark, and I totally know what he's talking about with the fast part. Been there, done that. And it's "Winds of Change", Hamr, though "Change your Wind" sounds like an even better song.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, February 22nd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being gouged by Apple...

• Caps and Pens always manage a barnburner, so last night must have been... Caps 1, Pens 0. Wait, what?
• Chicago takes care of the Blues 5-3, stays right in that gigantic clusterfuck for 8th in the East;
• 5-3 Isles over the Panthers in a battle of Eastern conf titans, with Matt Moulsen getting a hat trick;
• Plenty of teams trading, just not the Habs. Yesterday was Stars-Pens;
• Sheldon Souray cleared waivers. Remember when he was a defenseman every man wanted to play with and every woman wanted to sleep with
• Rejean Tremblay rips into Geoff Molson for, uh, having the American national anthem played at the THHC? And a lack of French at the game? Like that was his fault?
• Your power rankings roundup could get ugly: ESPN has the Habs down to 17th, and in a crazy twist, both The Hockey News and TSN seem not to have published them yesterday as usual. Well that makes this easier.

Habs' 0-3 Western road trip concludes tonight in Vancouver.

The Game Day Skate is going West, young man, for Thursday February 17th

Today's Heritage Classic alternate jersey is all like "well, maybe if the refs think we're one of them, we'll get some calls"

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of not having a running game next year...

• Well, 5th place was fun while it lasted - Caps 7, Ducks 6 in a wild one, with Semin getting a hat trick;
• The Leaf is only 8 points out of a playoff spot! They're the best team in the league!!!! Leafs 2, Sabres 1;
• Devils continue to be hot (8-1-1 in their last 10) with a 3-2 win over the Canes;
• Flyers win their league-best 38th game;
• Avs lose their 9th in a row, to the Pens in OT;
• The Flames get back into a playoff spot with a 4-2 win over the Stars. We know you don't care about the Western Conf, but take a look at the 4-8 clusterfuck in the West standings this morning. It's pretty cool;
• Get well, Joel Quenneville;
• Be sure to check the FHFunnies today, as we have been zinged;
• Let's get to the really important news - the return of Paul Mara! We think it says something about the state of our kiddie corps defense that we are THRILLED to welcome back a player who we openly derided on a regular basis last year. No doubt SpatCHes, who is not going West, is injured worse than we thought. What was Mara's nickname again?

OK, Habs head West for three games, starting with Edmonton tonight. FHF is thrilled that our West Coast correspondent Panger will be attending both Alberta games live, and will review them for us. You know, assuming he's not too drunk.

The Game Day Skate for Wednesday, February 9th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Olivia Wilde naked, single and available...

• Leafs win their second in a row. From the game story, which is AP so it's everywhere: "It's that kind of good fortune that could propel the Maple Leafs back into the Eastern Conference playoff race." Plan the Yonge Street parade!
• Scoreboardwatcher likes the Canes losing, doesn't like that it was in OT;
• Scoreboardwatcher also digs the Caps getting shut out;
• No Sid, No Gino is starting to become a real problem for the Pens. BJs 4, Pens 1. And Matt Cooke was at it again;
• Sabres score 5 goals in the third to beat the Bolts 7-4. Sabres are a team we'd believe would get back in the playoff race (and now they sort of are) long before the Leaf
• Matt D'Agostini has the game-winner and Jaro had a great game in the Blues' 2-1 win over the Cats;
• Here's your "Gauthier after a year as GM" story wrapup: La Presse, Rue Frontenac, Globe and Mail, J.T. puts them all to shame as usual, and Number31 has a great Mcsplooge-slanted take on it.

Bs tonight. Fuck yeah! If you can't get up for this game, you're dead inside. Face it. Seek help.

The Game Day Skate drags his sorry ass out of bed for the first time in a week for Tuesday, February 1st

NHL Guardian Project villain, The Jackass... er, Jackal

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a march of millions...

• Squid! SQUEEE!!!!! Squid looking good to return pretty soon. Maybe. Possibly. He might even be back for the twin Super Bowl matinees this weekend;
• In that same article, it was pointed out CHokula played with the lines at practice, switching up Plexxxe's and Gomez' wingers. At least he's doing, uh, something? How about adjusting the system coach?
• The NHLPA and CBC conducted a players poll, and the Bell Centre was voted favourite building to play in, yet also has the 2nd-worst boards and glass, though with good ice;
• And Plexxxe made the most underrated players list;
• And the Habs are 3rd-most overrated team;
• Coach players would least like to play for? Ron Wilson. At what point does it become piling on to the Leaf? Ever?
• Power rankings roundup: ESPN (Habs 11th), The Hockey News (11th), TSN (15th). No bias there;
• Props to Number31 who had the stomach to watch the whole ASG. You have more guts than us;
• We wanted to link to the Habs' Stan Lee Guardian story which was published over the weekend, but it was so mind-numbingly bad we are now seeing this: I cannot connect to the database because: Unknown MySQL server host 'mysql50-65.wc2.dfw1.stabletransit.com' (2). Trust us, that was more entertaining than the actual story about the Guardian chasing motorcycles at the Grand Prix (seriously). UPDATE - seems to be fixed. Read it if you dare.

OK hockey tonight! Caps! Offense maybe!

The last Game Day Skate for a while for Tuesday, January 25th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of friending the Pope on Facebook...

• Thank you from standingwatcher, Jonathan Quick! Kings 2, Bs 0;
• No thank you, stupid extra point rule: Rangers 2, Caps 1 (SO);
• Give the Leaf credit for fighting back twice against the Canes. Hahaha, no don't be silly, and of course they lost, 6-4;
• Your token West game was a bit of a surprise, the struggling Nucks crushing the surging Stars, 7-1;
• Marc Savard, concussion, etc. Sounds familiar;
• Here's you power rankings roundup: ESPN (Habs 10th), TSN (12th), The Hockey News (10th). Don't trust the TSN one tho given they have the Bs 1st for some bizarre reason, like the TSN staff being idiots;
• CHallah Halpern will be back against the Flyers;
• François Gagnon has BREAKING EXCLUSIVE NEWS that Kirk Muller will leave the Habs after this season when his contract expires, because he is a good candidate for a lot of coaching positions. Tell us something we don't know.

Philly tonight before the All-Star break deprives us of real hockey for a week.

The Game Day Skate has been sexified for Friday, January 21st

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Brooklyn Decker in a see-though top...

• Scoreboardwatcher ruled last night. Somehow the Sabres managed to beat the Bs 4-2;
• And the Canes managed to topple the Rangers;
• And the Bolts beat the Thrash 3-2, though the Thrash got a point;
• Scoreboardwatcher is less happy with the Caps over the Isles 2-1;
• Look out for the Devils! Brodeur back to form as they beat the Sid-less, Geno-less Pens 2-0;
• Chris Pronger returned for the Flyers last night against the Sens and waddya know, the third period was a brawlfest. We're sure there's no connection. Oh the score was Flyers 6, Sens 2;
• 2 goals for Grabs in the Leafs 5-2 win over the Ducks. Must have been some bag skate Wilson gave 'em;
• Your token West game was a good one, the Wings blowing a 3-goal lead before beating the Blues in OT 4-3;
• After recalling SCHrabble Wednesday, yesterday the Habs recalled Ryan White. Did he get a nickname in his previous stint with the big club?
• Not hockey-related at all, but a fascinating read if you're bored at work today, a GQ profile of Deadspin's AJ Daulerio.

Here's something to keep you warm in Kanata tonight. A little behind the scenes vid of Minka Kelly's new GQ photo shoot. When did GQ become so relevant again?

The Game Day Morning Skate for Tuesday, January 18

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of banning a 25 year-old song from the radio...

• Man there is a LOT to say about last night's 5-4 (OT) win over the Flames. The Heritage tuques. Habs cruise to a 4-0 lead. Habs epically blow a 4-0 lead. Both starting goalies pulled. Some good to see scorers (Squid, Tits, Lego) and a jubilant PFK getting the OT winner and celebrating (FHF version) / being uppity (Don Cherry version). Wings! 6th place! Did I mention blowing a four goal lead? Ugh. Anyway. More later today;
• The big gorilla gets his first career hat trick in the Bs' 7-0 crushing of the Canes;
• Devils manage to win last night's Battle of Suck over the Isles;
• Thrashers get a 3-2 (SO) win over the Panthers to grab a hold on 8th in the East;
• Your token West game has the Sharks over the Yotes;
• Sid to skip the All-Star game?
• For those of you dying to see Benny Brunet back on skates in the CH (and maybe taking a puck to the head), you're going to get your wish!

Deep breath. Back at it in Buffalo tonight. Here's the long-forms after a win to brighten your morning. You can just skip the 2:38 to 4:15 part.

The Game Day Skate for Monday, January 17th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of making it to the AFC CHanpionsh... FUCK YEAH FUCK YOU BILL BELICHICK...

• Hey, scoreboard help! The Rangers lose 3-2 to the Flyers, and Gaborik was benched. Sure, benching always works with enigmatic Europeans;
• Sens almost had something going but the Caps get 3 goals in the 3rd for a 3-1 win;
• The Finnish Used To Be Flash got his 1300th career point in the Ducks' 3-2 win over the Oil;
• We actually almost sort of agree with Jack Todd today, if only he wouldn't write like a 3-year old child sometimes;
• The NHL's Stan Lee Guardian Project All-Star promotion thingy finally gets to the Habs, and we are afraid for our life.

Flames in town tonight. Yay for a Western team for a change!