FOR FUCK'S SAKE JUST GET A POINT - Hurricanes preview rant and open thread

Listen up, you fucking Habs. We're all pretty disappointed in your behaviour in the face of possibly clinCHing on Tuesday. You came out as flat as a pair of non-Marisa Miller tits, and it wasn't pretty. Oh sure, you fought back a little bit to take a couple of leads, but can you fucking hold a lead? Of course not, because, well, I don't know why. The defense sucks? Count Chokula sucks? You just don't care? (Gio and Moore excepted) Who the fuck knows. All we wanted was some FUCKING DESPERATION. Did you watch the Rangers play last night? Oh sure, they played the Leafs Suck, but they played with desperation. They knew they had to come out strong and win and they did. Are you fucking worse than the pathetic Rangers? No, you're fucking not. Well, SHOW US. Show us how you are desperate to make the playoffs. Show us YOU FUCKING CARE. Go to the fucking net. Dig in the corners. FUCKING WORK FOR 60 MINUTES FOR FUCK'S SAKE. All we need is one measly fucking point to clinCH a playoff spot. Do you think you can manage that you fucktards? This entire season has been a roller coaster ride from hell. You've got two fucking games to show us you mean it. And do you want to go down to the wire, against the Leafs, to have to do it? No you fucking don't. I know most of you weren't here in 2007 when in that same situation the same fucking Leafs of all teams denied us a spot in the playoffs. That wasn't fucking pretty, and no one around here (except eyebleaf) wants to have to live through that shit again. So go out there, at least pretend like you care and FUCKING GET A POINT FOR FUCK'S SAKE. DO NOT BACK INTO THE PLAYOFFS LIKE A BUNCH OF FUCKING PUSSIES. I gave you a naked Marisa Miller. That should be all the fucking motivation you need.

OK, that's enough. 7:30 PM in Carolina and it's on TSN. The starter hasn't been announced as of this writing though I assume it's Jaro, and Squid and CHicken better fucking wake up soon. The end.

A final note. Before I decided to rant, we were working on a preview theme of The Wizard of Oz (you know, hurricane and all that). It included some killer work from GG which I didn't want to be lost to the dustbin of FHF history. You can see it here. The Wicked Witch will give you nightmares.

It's a nasty week ahead, let's enjoy Marisa while we can - Sens Game Preview and Open Thread

Rise and shine kiddies! I know it's Monday morning but that's no excuse for you just laying there like that. Yesterday's important East action had the Panthers refusing to die and beating the Pens. That means the Fucking Habs are back to only a 3 point cushion. It also means a win tonight would put them in 6th. Let's lose; I want no part of New Jersey.

Have you looked at the schedule for this week? My fucking god. Sens, Rangers, Bruins, Pens. Not like the Isles, Bolts or Leafs we've been beating. No way we're winning them all. So Marisa, we'll ride you as long as we can, but we really don't expect you'll be around by the end of the week. So if this is our last time together, I wanted to say our relationship has been fun. Maybe we can have some CSBF down the road sometime. Let's hit the bullets to set up tonight's action:

• 7:30 PM from the Phone Booth. It's on Sportsnet East, meaning it's probably blacked out everywhere but Ottawa;
• Habs rocking a 5-0-1 streak, while the Sens are 6-4 over their last 10 and coming off a Saturday night win over the Flyers;
• Habs have taken 4 of 5 from the Sens this year;
• One last tip of the hat this year to Five for Smiting in his new digs. We'll miss you in the playoffs old friend (knock wood);
• Kovy has a million points (or thereabouts) over the last 6 games, Tangy has 10 and Saks has 9;
• This is the night ZombiePleks and the Tits come alive, right? Bueller?
• Spezza and Alfie worth watching of course;
• On the other hand, Heater and Fish not so hot lately, though Fish had the shootout winner against the Flyers;
• Still no official word on Markov or Schneider, and I have no idea if TFS is ready to go yet;
• Your post-game adult entertainment Marisa Miller video is her boxing. Hurt me Marisa, hurt me.

If we break 200 comments again I'll take you all out for ice cream, so get to it.

I've dragged my ass out of bed early to try to keep this streak alive - Leafs Game Preview and Open Thread

Over a quarter million results for Marisa in Google Image search. The streak can go on for a while, knock wood.

Wake the fuck up motherfuckers! I can barely see for the hangover in my head but I've dragged my sorry ass to my laptop to try to replicate the conditions of the Game Day Skate. All in hopes of helping the Fucking Habs. Lots of East action last night, with the Panthers losing but the Flyers and the won't-go-away Sabres winning. Habs still in 7th.

I am not looking forward to this game tonight. Toronto has given us fits all year, and we need this one. Have you checked the schedule for the rest of the season? Four games in six nights with the Bruins and Pens in the mix. Blech. We need these two points tonight. Yeah yeah, I guess we need two points every night. STFU. Now let's set this baby up with the bullets:

• 7 PM start at the ACC, of course it's on CBC;
• Habs on a 4-0-1 run, while the Leafs have lost 3 of 4;
  
• Leafs have taken 3 of 5 from the Habs this year, including the last one which was the bottom of the barrel for the Fucking Habs, spawning the post-game headline from me "Fuck this fucking team";
• Let's check in with Pension Plan Puppets one last time;
• Kovy, Koivu, Tangy, Markov, 'nuff said;
• ZombiePleks, 'nuff said;
• Good 'ol Grabs has 10 points over his last 6 games;
• Any Leafs goalie is on the cold list, especially after getting embarrassed 8-5 last night;
• It looks like Halak will go again. Rumour has Big Tits either not playing because of a cut sustained in the Isles game, or a healthy scratch because of sucking;
• For your post-game adult entertainment, if you didn't follow the link yesterday from the greatest anonymous commentor ever who gave us the Marisa Miller nude video, you'll want to do it. You won't regret it.
  

Please hold off on your Leafs Suck comments until after the game. We don't want to jinx anything. Unless you're a Leafs fan, in which case go ahead.

Sexy Friday spices up your game review - Habs 5, Isles 1

Our new lucky charms would like to welcome you all to Sexy Friday. I've heard they're magically delicious.

Look, we beat the frakking Islanders. The worst team in the league by far. I recognized three Islanders last night, tops. John Tavares won't even be able to help that load of crap. These ain't Brian Trottier's Islanders. It was a game we should have won, and we did. Big fucking whoop. So let's spice things up with a Sexy Friday view of some notes from last night.

Our top line that shall remain nameless dominated once again. If Koivu could really finish, Kovy may have had 6 assists in that game. But they worked it on the PP and worked it 5 on 5. Tangy's goal as he held on to the puck, used Kovy as a decoy and a defender as a screen was outstanding. The Kovy-Koivu-Markov tic tac toe goal on the PP was a beaut. In honour of the hottest line in the league right now, here's the hottest chick in the world according to FHM, Megan Fox:

How about Jaro last night? That was some quality work. Steps in at the last minute for a flu-ridden (GET SOME FUCKING SHOTS NEXT YEAR) TFS and makes the quality saves when he had to. So for our favourite Slovak goalie, here is our favourite Slovak supermodel, Adriana Sklenarikova:

And a shout out to BGL for his good work in his first game after sitting out 4. He played hard, didn't take stupid penalties, and had fun fighting. You know, it must get boring sitting in the press box. You know what else is boring? Cricket. But not in this case: (nsfw)


So that about wraps up the couple of things Sexy Friday has to say about the game we should have won and did. Up next for the Fucking Habs:

Sexy Friday as always copyright KSK
Sexy Friday Game Reviews copyright FHF
Sexy cricket video thanks to With Leather

The Game Day Skate presents our new lucky charms - Isles Game Preview and Open Thread

Some anonymous commentor insisted Marisa Miller was responsible for our last win. Who am I to argue with anonymous commentors?

Top 'o the morning y'all! Some interesting stuff in the East last night. With Toronto beating Philly and the Pens beating the now seemingly crappy Devils, Pitt has moved into a virtual 4th place tie. Remember when they were tenth? Anyway, let's get down to business.

Interesting discussion in the comments yesterday about supporting the Fucking Habs. Do you support at all costs or do you turn on them when they suck? I think you know where we stand around here. It's what separates us from any "official" Habs site - we tell it like it is baby! And now, for one game, through the power of Marisa, we rock. Of course, after we lose tonight, we're back to sucking. It's a rocky ride on the gangbangwagon, but we wouldn't have it any other way. Let's hit the bullets to set this baby up:

• 7 PM start on the Island, and it's on TSN. Who's sick of Maguire?
• Fucking Habs have taken 7 of their last 8 possible points, while the Isles have lost 5 of 6;
• With that said, Isles have taken 2 of 3 from the Habs this year;
• Yes! Islanders is an Isles' blog;
• Kovy has scored goals in four straight games, with 8 points over that span. Saku has 6 points over that same stretch;
• Little Tits is our coldest player, but he's not making the trip because of the always-dreaded upper body injury;
• Kyle Okposo may be the only player worth watching on the Isles;
• Our old friend Mark Streit is injured and may not play. Our other old friend Yann Danis will most likely start;
• For your post-game adult entertainment, here's Marisa Miller's spread from the 2007 SI Swumsuit Issue. That should keep you entertained.

Make sure to describe your dreams of the gangbangwagon in the comments

The Game Day Skate jumps right to the chase and gives you your Blackhawks Game Preview and Open Thread

If we're gonna stare at the same hot chick all day, she might as well be really hot

Good morning sunshine! Hope that Marisa Miller's tits didn't throw you off your breakfast. Or maybe they just made you put more milk in your cereal. Anyhoo, we're trying something new today. After the glory (for me) that was the no effort game preview came to an unglorious end when six Habs couldn't score in a shootout, today we try something else to shake things up. Sure, some stuff happened in the NHL yesterday (most notably the Rangers shutting out the Devils) but you only really care about one team anyway, right?

Anyone look at a schedule lately? The season ends NEXT FUCKING WEEKEND. There are only SEVEN FUCKING GAMES LEFT. Jebus. I thought there was still plenty of time to get things really going, but it's time to get serious, isn't it? No more dicking around, you Fucking Habs. I really don't feel like having to watch baseball in April. I hate fucking baseball. So please, let's win some games and make my life bearable. As no Game Day Skate is complete without some bullet points, let's use 'em to set up tonight's action:

• 7:30 PM start at the phone Booth, and it's on TSN;
• Habs did take 5 of 6 points last week, I guess that's something;
• Before getting shutout by Roberto Luongo, the Hawks had won 3 in a row, and they are solidly battling for 4th in the West;
• This is the teams' only meeting this season;
  
• The Fifth Feather seems like a decent place;
• Tangy (on a five-game points streak), Kovy, and Markov are your hot Habs. And Higgy seems to be reborn on the fourth line and the PK;
• Martin Havlat has 9 points in his last 5 games. I'm sure I don't have to tell you to watch Jonathan Toews;
• Oh ZombiePleks, why have you returned?
• Habs look to get Big Tits back in the lineup, but it's still not set yet. I also don't know who's starting in nets. Who knew you can't get good game notes at 6 in the morning? This idea may have its flaws, I admit;
  
• HueT will get the start after sitting for six straight. I don't like the sound of that. Will he be booed?
• For your post-game adult entertainment, please enjoy this Marisa Miller swimsuit shoot video. Choice quote: "let's just get them wet and make them look beautiful on the beach."

Make your comments entertaining, we've got all day here...