I JUST WANT TO PLAY THE PIANO

Good luck Bob. Sing your heart out. You're free now.

Success: Habs 4, Sens 1. Epic FAIL: Bob's ability to multitask

int., Bob's office

JM: Bob, I'm having problems with D'Agostini. I need to bench him. Can you get Ryan White back up here so I can have that extra body?

Bob: Sure, no worries Jacques. You go back to coaching and being serious, I'll take care of that for you.

Bob: Now where did I put that number for the Bulldogs? Hmm. (into intercom to secretary) Rolande, get me Hamilton on the line. Brrrrrinnngg.

Guy Boucher: Hamilton here.

Bob: Guy mon ami, I need Ryan White up here pronto.

Guy: Pas de problème boss. He's on his way. I'm used to not having anyone around here anyway. BTW, will I be getting Sergei back soon?

Bob: Haha, good one. Merci Guy. (into intercom to secretary) Rolande, make me a reservation for lunch. My work here is done.

int., Bell Centre box, sometime in the first period

VP hockey operations Julien Brisebois: Good to see Ryan up here again. I have big plans for the kid.

Bob: Me too, I like him.

Julien: And you took care of that other thing, right? Sent notification to the league he's on the roster now?

Bob: Um, yeah, I did that... earlier. Yeah, earlier, that's the ticket. I made that call, sure. Spoke to, uh, what's-his-name at the league office. You know who I'm talking about. That guy? Excuse me for a sec, Julien. [leaps up, rushes out of box]

Julien: Where you going Bob?

Bob: Bathroom. I had Mexican for lunch.

Welcome Depth Defenceman!... and Sexy Friday!

In Bob We Trust just signed someone named Paul Mara. He's 29, 6'4, shoots left, and enjoys long walks in the park.

Start planning the parade.

UPDATE: This post has been Sexy Friday'd by HF29. Meet Alexis Skye, who's also 6'4". She shoots left as well, and enjoys laying her tits on top of the heads of 5'8" forwards.

Bob rebuilding the 2005-2006 Devils

Brian Gionta at 5 mill per for 5 years.

As the RDS headline says, Bob is on fire. This is exhausting.

UPDATE: I swear that link said "Bob est en feu" for at least 5 minutes.

The Morning Skate has some questions for Bob for Tuesday, June 30th

So Bob here's our principle question for you this morning - WTF? We're just not sure we understand what you're up to. Yesterday you confirmed you made an offer to Kovalev, but then said "it's not possible" to offer Tangy or Koivu contracts before July 1st. Tell us how this makes sense Bob. We are on the verge of losing the Captain, he would probably sign for cheap, yet it's "not possible" to offer him a contract. Some dinky 2 or 3 mill contract is not gonna make a lick of difference in signing Vinny or the two-headed Sedin monster. So what's "not possible" Bob? Is your phone not working? Can't you just borrow one?

Anyway, we'll give you some props for the new Hamilton coach and for making sure you did the paperwork to get qualifying offers to all the restricted FA's (we guess the fax is working). In other positive news, good to see HF4's numbersake get an honourary captaincy to the 2010 Olympic team. And in really positive news, we swear Panger will have that UFA preview for you today. Those fingers crossed behind my back are due to an unrelated arthritic condition.

But that's all the positivity we can muster this morning. We're starting to worry we'll have no players come October. At least maybe now our boy CHips can get some playing time. You know, assuming some other team doesn't snatch him up.

Habs Respond to Bob's Look of "Fuck with Me and You're Dead": The Children 4 - The Oilers 3 (O.T.)

You want to know what happened to the Montreal Canadiens this week? Very simple. The players have been acting up for weeks and weeks and wound up spinning the situation out of control with horrible performances on the ice and embarrassing conduct off it. Guy Carbonneau's presence did not seem to deter the team from pursuing this destructive disorder. No threats worked, not the benchings, the punishing practice, the pandering, nothing.

The only menace that would send a shiver down the players' spines was : Wait till your father gets home.

Daddy came home this week. And ya don't fuck with Daddy.

Daddy comes through the front door and suddenly the frenetic craziness at home, the jumping on the bed, the bouncing off the walls, the food fights, the screaming to your heart's content, they all stop. Suddenly, you hear the door and it's "Oooohhhh!" Stand up straight, fix your hair, arrange the couches on the sofa, shove EVERYTHING under the bed and beat the clock that starting ticking when Daddy's footsteps are heard from the stairs he begins to climb steadily.

Things sort of look okay by the time Daddy enters your room. You've definitely calmed down, you've stopped throwing the cat around, and for all intents and purposes everything looks normal. But Daddy's pretty smart and he sees you panting behind your attempt to project quiet obedience. He knows what you've done, and now that he's there, you know you're going to stop.

Daddy (actually, granddaddy since last week) climbed down the stairs from his front office this week and entered the room. And I bet you could have heard a pin drop. I bet you could have heard a mime show in Papua New Guinea. 

No more clowning around kids, and it starts now. I'm going to be fair with you because I care about you, but you're not getting away with any of this anymore. Nothing needs to be said when the proverbial daddy comes home (a role often played by the amazing mommies of this world). His presence is sufficient.

Daddy watched the team roar back to life in the first period against the Oilers last night. He watched them spin their wheels in the second, but he did not punish, he empowered. He encouraged. But this was still Daddy talking and you don't fuck with the Daddy. Because you're never going to get away with it. His look will suffice, Daddy doesn't need words.

If Guy Carbonneau can be blamed for a lack of communication skills, for not providing the players with enough information to set them on the right course, paradoxically, Gainey's immense gift lies in the fact that the players don't need his verbal skills to show them the way. It becomes intuitive and it only requires a few words to emphasize, to state what has already become obvious.

The team responded well last night, all things considered. Gainey's words were heard loud and clear, even though he probably never verbalized them. 

It's all up to the porn 'stache now - Oilers Game Preview and Open Thread

Bob, in simpler times. When you could step out for a quick smoke and a Brador between periods.

Bob, Bob, Bob. You've really stepped into it now haven't you? Do you have any fucking clue what you have gotten yourself into? I do not envy you, sir. By way of a preview for tonight's affair (7:30 P.M., Phone Booth, on Sportnset West, check out the outstanding Lowetide for your Oil news), let's take a look at what you need to fix. WARNING - possible actual hockey analysis ahead.

Offense
Totally inconsistent all year. And right now, Faceoff.com lists no "hot" Habs. Players who were consistent last year (Pleks, Big Tits, Kovy) have been up and down all year. Carbo's line juggling seemed to have finally paid off a bit in Dallas (the Big Tits - Tangy duo), but did way more damage than good overall. Bob is going with this tonight:

Tits - Koivu - Tangy
Kovy - Pleks - Dagger
Higgy - Laps - Kosto
Stewart - Métro - El Dandy

We can live with that (even though Kovy on the left wing is pretty out there), as long as Métro doesn't see any time on the 5 on 3.

Defense
Seriously what the fuck is wrong with these guys? This is essentially the same group as last year, which played outstanding Team D. Now they couldn't defend my old intramural "C" league team (Go Chico Resch!). Here's Bob's pairings for the evening:

Markov - DOOM (reunited and it feels so goooood...)
Rhino - Hamr
Schneider - Gorges

With Bob behind the bench, will Breezer ever see 1000?

Goalies
A decent probelem to have, looks like we've got two good ones right now. BTW, in all the hubbub about the firing yesterday, you no doubt skipped Panger's excellent piece on TFS(tm). Go read it now. Panger is prescient - Bob is riding Price tonight.

The PP
After a decent boost right after the Semitic Saviour's arrival, the PP has gone flat, 0 for 13. Good luck fixing that mess Bob.

Intangibles
10 UFA's playing for a contract in front of the GM. The new coach bump. The 100th Anniversary pressure. LG77 shouting at any Habs coach at the Bell Centre until she's hoarse. That's a lot for anyone.

So, in Bob we trust? Or in Bob we trust but sometimes we really don't get it? Time to find out. If only he would bring back the porn 'stache.

Time to cut this day loose? News and Notes

For James, this was the Prowlette of the week for November 2007.

Things seem to be happening, none of them Habs-related:

• Recchi to the Broons;
• Guerin to the Pens;
• Foppa finally giving up and retiring;
• Toskala on IR for the rest of the season, Leafs turn their hopes on Martin Gerber. BWAHAHAHAHA;
• Maguire is really pissing me off.
  

C'mon Bob, less than an hour left!

Rhino getting pretty sick and tired of the 401

Ryan O'Byrne has been recalled from Hamilton. Again. Man he must be nauseous from the up and down business.

On the plus side, we can only hope this means Panger is back from Hawaii and has a certain member of the Habs D corps in his trunk. And only 2 games shy of 1000! Well done Panger!

More likely this means Bob is working and has something in the works?

All that scoring has Kovy tuckered out, ordered to take some nap time by Bob

Tweak, Bob, tweak! Bob has ordered Kovy to skip the next two games in Washington and Pittsburgh, for "relaxation and reflection."

That'll cure him. Plan the parade kids.

Little Tits disappear from Montreal

The supply of Tits in Montreal has been cut in half. Sergei Kostitsyn has been assigned to Hamilton, with Gregory Stewart taking his place.

Bob tweaks while Rome burns. We need a major move already, especially after the Capitals beat us 8-1. Oh, that hasn't happened yet? Sorry.

Fuck it, let's perpetuate rumours!

Look, we're not Eklund. We hate this shit. But given we found this great picture of Vinny and a hot chick (his wife?) to post, we figured wtf. You guys are already talking about it in the comments anyway (lap dance or Jack Bauer-style torture to Shutdown for being the first, your call).

So everyone and his mother seems to think there is all sorts of truth to these Lecavalier to Montreal rumours. Even crappy TSN anchors. He's got Pleks + Higgy + Subban + half of Hamilton + draft picks going to Tampa (e3).

Alright, have at it in the comments, who would you give up for Vinny? Or should Bob just chill until everyone is healthy? Or focus on Bouwmeester? You too can be a GM. All it takes is someone else's money and some minor math skills.

Bob Gainey Hits Snooze Button Again

Habs' GM Bob Gainey, fresh off a very late evening on June 30th, has hit the snooze button once again and gone back to sleep. As anxious Habs fans wait for any sort of move from Bob, he was heard to mumble "just ten more minutes."

Though if takes 6 million per year to sign defensemen who can barely play D, and 10 million to 37-year old Swedes sitting on fences, maybe it's better he sleep in.

2008 Draft: Habs land a playmaker and a bunch of kids Carbo will never see in a Habs uniform

In Bob We Trust - specifically, we trust that the guy he just traded for isn't the second coming of Denis Savard circa 1990. At least he got in on the trade action, which saw 13 first round picks traded.

...Oh, and the Habs picked a few 17 and 18 year olds that won't be wearing a Habs jersey before Guy Carbonneau gets the axe. Here's a quick recap (of the picks)/preview (of the players we may one day see at the Bell Centre - probably because they bought tickets).

1st Round/25 Overall
TRADED FOR Alex Tanguay (LW)
Key Stat: Born in La Belle Province
Grew up a Nordiques fan, but after enduring Iron Mike and the defensive shackles in Calgary for a couple of years, he should be feeling good about a move to an offensive-oriented team - he did waive his No Trade clause to come to MTL. Time will tell if he's better than Greg Nemisz (the guy Calgary drafted 25th), but right now - and more importantly, for this centennial year - there is no question Montreal won this trade. It's also nice to see Montreal pick up a player at a discount, instead of giving them away at 10 cents on the dollar (see Lemieux, Claude. Damn you Sylvain Turgeon!).

2nd Round/56 Overall
Danny Kristo (RW)
Key Stat: 18 goals in 47 games (USHL)
Shockingly, the Habs reach out for an American for their first pick. Sound familiar? Timmons must be banging some NCAA recruiter. Anyway, there is no way this guy is in the Komo/Fisher/McDonough/Pacioretty category. Playing the equivalent of high school hockey, Kristo seems to be in the Marty St Louis mould: a small, quick scorer with soft hands. Also extremely young, he's a year away from even starting college. It'll be awhile before we hear about him contending for a roster spot.

3rd Round/86 Overall
Steve Quailer (RW)
Key Stat: 6'3"
Tall, but lean winger with "lots of potential" i.e. "we hope we didn't screw up with this pick because he was rated 130th overall before the draft." Also off to college this year. This also adds another winger to Montreal's stable of prospects, a position in which they had the least depth going into the draft

4th Round/116 Overall
Jason Missiaen (G)
Key stat: 6'08"
Dude's big. Really big. Has been the backup to Trevor Cann (OHL All-Star) in the Pete, getting off the bench just 18 times last year, but at least improved his stats this season. Hopefully he will be their starter next year. Likely another long-term project destined to go the Yann Danis route in Hamilton as Carey Price racks up Vezinas in Montreal.

5th Round/138 Overall (acquired from Calgary)
Maxim Trunev (F)
Key Stat: 1 game in Russian Elite League this year
Supposedly a highly skilled winger, this will likely be one of those home run or strikeout type picks. Let's call him the next Datsyuk, just for kicks, rather than the next Perezhogin. Even if he's any good, who knows when we might see him come over to North America **coughAlexeiEmelincough**

7th Round/206 overall
Patrick Johnson (C)
Key State: 7th Round selection
Oh look, another young American kid on his way to college. Way to think outside the box, fellas. That's ok, we're too distracted sewing Tanguay's name onto our old Ryder jersey to care.

Now that the draft is over, 10 days to UFA season! We'll hopefully get around to previewing that for you. And hopefully said preview will involve the signing of a certain Swedish centre who used to play his hockey on Quebec. If so: suck it, T.O.!