Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Ten Things I Hate About the Hartforlina Whalercanes - Game Preview and Open Thread
10 Things I Hate About the Hartforlina Whalercanes
10. Cooperalls. My god, the Cooperalls. When your only fashion forward brethren are the assholes in the ORANGE jerseys, maybe it's time to rethink. At least the NHL came to its senses and banned those monstrosities.
9. Speaking of fashion forward, how does one go from the classic Whale colours of green and blue and it's variations to the current mess that is Carolina? Check out this timeline and tell me anything from Raleigh is an improvement. You can't.
8. Hey, I've got an idea! Let's trade three straight first round picks (Kyle McLaren, Jonathan Aiken, and Sergei Samsonov) to the Bruins, the team that dominates the hearts and minds of our entire target market, for Glen Wesley! He'll totally continue to put up 50 points a year NOT playing alongside Ray Bourque! Thanks for reloading the fucking Bruins for almost a decade to get your hands on a second pairing defender, you idiots.
7. Look, I get that you needed a PR boost to draw people to see hockey in Raleigh. I also understand that "Nature Boy" Ric Flair could probably declare himself King of North Carolina and the people would build him a palace made out of the skulls of his enemies, and when he bought seasons tickets you must have been ecstatic. But now Flair's damn trademarked "Whoooooo!!!" gets played after goals in waaaayyyyy more rinks than it should, and it's all your damn fault. Hearing it seven times versus the Bruins last week made me so pissed I was hoping Dusty Rhodes would come out and give virtual scoreboard Flair the bionic elbow to shut him up.
6. I've given some of the other WHA refugees grief for this before, but here it is again: Can you at least try to respect the history of your franchise? The Whalers retired Rick Ley's number 2, Gordie Howe's number 9, and John McKenzie's number 19 (which is problematic in and of itself, since rumour has it the Whalers did that solely to cater to Bruins fans who loved former Bruin McKenzie). Since you moved to Raleigh, you just decided to ignore Ley and McKenzie and issued those numbers again. At least you haven't been dumb enough to let someone take 9. Yet.
5. Made a poster boy out of Rod Brind'amour. Nothing against Brind'amour as a player or a man, but making him captain and the face of a franchise? Hard on the eyes, Whalercanes. Not fun. Glad Rod retired before the HDTV explosion or it could have been really scary.
4. Gave Brian Burke his first GM job in the NHL. Yes, it's all the fucking Whalercanes fault. This should really be higher on the list.
3. April 2006 and the 7th seeded Canadiens go up 2-0 versus the 2nd seeded Whalercanes when Justin Williams nearly blinds Saku Koivu in game 3. Habs lose their lynchpin, Montreal media goes apeshit trying to snap pics of a nearly blind Koivu in his hospital bed, Canadiens lose 4 straight and get bounced from the playoffs. Koivu, the Habs and the fragile relationship Saku had with the city were never the same. Fuck you, Justin Williams. Oh, and to add insult to injury, the fucking Whalercanes won the Cup.
2. Speaking of winning the Cup, remember the Penguins mini-dynasty of the early 90's? Yeah, well, it might have been a lot different if Hartford hadn't handed franchise icon Ron Fucking Francis, rock-hard defender Ulf Samuellson and Grant Jennings for John Cullen, Zarley Zalapski and Jeff Parker. The hockey gods were so incensed by the trade they actually ended Parker's career after only 4 games as a Whaler. Seriously, you traded a guy who finished his career with 1800 points (4th all time) for John Cullen? Cullen was a solid player, but his best years were between Kevin Stevens and Mark Recchi when a guy named Mario Lemieux was out injured. Who the fuck was scouting for you people, Reggie Houle?
1. 1980. Playoffs. Four-time defending champs the Montreal Canadiens, lead by all-world superstar (and 7 year old HF10's favourite player) Guy Lafleur sweep aside the Whalers in three games. However, most evil man in the history of the world Pat Boutette of Hartford takes out Lafleur with a knee-on-knee hit, ending Lafleur's playoff campaign and the drive for five as the demoralized champs fall to Minnesota in round two without their talisman. Lafleur never comes back to full on superstar status as nagging injuries start to pile up, leading to his messy divorce from the team a few years later. Save for a few fleeting moments, the glory of the Canadiens died that day. Pat Boutette can rot in hell.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Ten things we LOVE about... the Boston Bruins ~ Preview and Open Thread
REVENGE. BLOOD. WAR. THE BATTLE FOR PATCHES AND THE SOUL OF HOCKEY. These are the themes that are swirling around the sixth and final meeting of the regular season between the Habs and Bruins tonight. At least if you're watching TSN. Blood lust is very exciting! But then we read yesterday that Chara has tried to reach out to PatCHes. What a lovely gesture! Who cares that he has yet to apologize or anything. I'm sure that's exactly what he was trying to do! You always apologize to the guy you almost maimed privately before you do it in public. That's just good manners! And any Canadian loves good manners. So that got us to thinking - a nice gesture, some good manners, maybe there are some things to love about the Bruins. Ten things even! Sure, anyone can list 10 things they hate about a rival, or even 20, but can we find ten things to love? Of course we can! We're drunk and / or high. Anton, drumroll please...
10. Delightful Bruin fan visitors to FHF! Like Cornelius! And Cornelius! And, uh, that other guy! Come back Cornelius.
9. The rise of former Bruins coaches Don Cherry and Mike Milbury to prominent positions at the CBC has granted us precious time to eat and masturbate during intermissions because we have to turn them off.
8. Bruins futility and skinflint ownership long ago forced The Sports Guy to abandon his Bruins fandom. Can you imagine if we had to deal with his pompous ass talking about the Bruins and hockey all the time? Ugh. We've been saved! We love you for that Bs!
7. They've got the second or third best jersey in the league. Sure, their old 3rd jersey was an abomination to mankind, but the original black and gold is solid. And black is always classy, like a tuxedo. Just look at the Raiders!
6. Ice Girls! We love ice girls. Ok maybe they're not Atlanta southern belles or anything, but it takes something special to be one of only two original six teams with ice girls.
5. The TD Garden provides valuable marketing exposure for our Canadian corporations.
4. Mark Recchi! Always nice to see players I loved in a Habs uni remembering to bring up their old club in interviews.
3. Their coach used to be our coach. That counts for something, right?
2. This Bruins Commercial. A giant bear beating the shit out of a Bruins fan and a cute CHick wearing a Habs jersey. What's not to love?
And the number one thing we love about the Bruins...
1. Without them, who we gonna hate?
7:00 PM start from Boston, on the regular blood lust-y TSN. There's nothing to preview, you know as well as I do what's happening, who's good and who's bad and who's injured and who's a game-time decision. Go read a real preview or use the Google if you want actual information. I would just love to see the fucking puck drop already. And for no one to get hurt.
Bring your own drunken-high passive-aggressive love-hate in the comments
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Pretty Hate Machine - Bruins versus Canadiens Game Preview and Open Thread
The Bruins. Tonight. 7:30 on RDS, TSN-Habs and NESN. The first meeting since the black and gold went with their usual modus operandi bullshit 70's throwback tactics in front of their baying, loutish fans in that cheap-ass rink they own. Both teams remember the last meeting, but only the Habs remember that they've won 8 of 9 versus the their ancient rivals. Canadiens have won four straight, Bruins six. Revenge? Maybe. Hatred? Definitely. The Pretty Hate Machine starts now.
Hatred comes from the heart; contempt from the head; and neither feeling is quite within our control. - Alfred Schopenauer
The Bruins stir feelings of hatred more than any other. The Leafs? A hate born of national pride, but tempered by years apart. The Bruins and Canadiens have played more games against each other than any two franchises in NHL history and not one of them has been pleasant. Grown men froth at the mouth at the sight of a Bruins toque on the Metro or a Habs jersey in their local Southie pub. Familiarity breeds contempt; contempt begets hatred, hatred gets out of control quickly. Richard/Laycoe. Lafleur/Milbury. Nilan/Byers. Jonathan/Bouchard. Canadiens/Bruins always teeters right on the edge and it is the hate that does it.
To enjoy the things we ought, and to hate the thing we ought, has the greatest bearing on excellence of character. - Aristotle
Why do we hate the Bruins so? We hate because Eddie Shore was a dirty cheap-shot artist, because Jonathan, Wensink, O'Reilly and Milbury brawled their way through the 70's, because Esposito, Orr, Bourque and Neely were stars, because Neely always broke Montreal's back with a shot over Roy's glove, because Lucic demolished Komisarek, because Cheevers and Moog and Thomas and Frankie Brimsek gave the Canadiens fits. Because Bruins fans piss on visitors to their rink. Because the Boston Garden was a cramped, rat infested cesspool and the TD Banknorth visitors dressing room is the size of a closet. Because B's fans are proud of their team's lunchbucket, beat em in the alley ethos. Because for 100 years the Canadiens have emphasised Gallic flair, speed, skill and firewagon hockey and the Bruins have spent almost as long trying to choke the life out of it. We hate because Zdeno Chara is still among the league's best, because Tim Thomas is having an otherworldly season, because for all our taunts about Lucic being a talentless thug, he's on pace for almost 40 goals and we would kill to have someone like him. We hate because being a Bruins fan shows a deficiency of character that can not be redeemed. Because cheering for the Canadiens is a virtue, a guiding light, a truth.
Let them hate, so long as they fear. - Lucius Accius Telephus
It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not. - Andre Gide
Why do the Bruins hate us so? Hatred is often born of fear - and the Canadiens as a franchise have often been something to fear. Many a Bruins team has been swept aside by a Canadiens team that was more talented, but it is the shared history of talented Bruins teams being upset by heavy underdogs (1971, 2002, 2004) or being beaten by the slimmest of margins when the talent equation was nearly identical (1977, 1979, 1989) due to bad breaks, boneheaded mistakes, or Forum ghosts that tears a seam in the Bruins heart. They hate because they cannot win. They hate because Montreal's light continues to shine against their dark. They hate because Montreal stands up to bullying and triumphs more often than they lose. They hate, because as Lord Byron noted, "He who surpasses or subdues mankind, must look down on the hate of those below. " For most of their existence, the Bruins have been subdued. Their hatred is for what the Canadiens were then, and are now. The Canadiens are not the Bruins.
We have enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another. - Johnathan Swift
If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us. - Hermann Hesses
Both franchises hate because deep down, despite their divergent philosophies, there remains a part of the other in each. Montreal harbours a dark side that the Bruins bring out. Montreal fans revel in the memories of John Ferguson, tough-as-nails Dickie Moore, Larry Robinson's mystique as a fighter, Chris Nilan and John Kordic. The solution to Zdeno Chara and Milan Lucic was supposed to Georges Laraque. Shouts for Gauthier to call up muscle from Hamilton for tonight's game were deafening in some quarters. The Canadiens darkness is ever-present; nowhere does it manifest itself more clearly than in the days leading to a Boston game. In contrast, Boston's darkness has always needed the light to guide it. The Big Bad Bruins would have been no more than an afterthought without Orr and Esposito's offensive fireworks. Gentleman Jean Ratelle, Rick Middleton, Brad Park? All lauded for their exemplary play and conduct, despite their allegiance to black and gold. All the Lyndon Byers, Keith Crowders and Don Sweeney's of the world wouldn't have lifted the Bruins to Cup finals in the late 80's and early 90's without the talents of Ray Bourque. Even patron saint of overrated power forwards Cam Neely needed soft-as-tissue Craig Janney or passer extraordinaire Adam Oates. The current Bruins go nowhere without all everything centre Patrice Bergeron, smart vet Mark Recchi and Chara. Boston hates because no amount of bullying, brawling and thuggery wins without skill to guide it. Both clubs share parts of each other's religion, but never fully embrace the aspects they need from the other. They hate that part of themselves almost as much as they hate the image on the other side of the divide.
I hate victims who respect their executioners. - Jean-Paul Sartre
There is no honour in Milan Lucic fighting Mike Komisarek after Komisarek's shoulder was injured. Or in his engaging players already involved with others. Or his refusal to answer when called. There is no honour in Greg Campbell using a weapon on Tom Pyatt, or John Boychuk continuing to hit Jaro Spacek as he lay on the ice. There is no reason to respect Zdeno Chara's cheapshots, or Claude Julien's complaints or bush-league move of putting out goons to end a game. The Bruins have spent the better part of a century trying to smother the Canadiens in their sleep. There is no respect on their part, and as such, they deserve no respect in return. It's possible that the Bruins will win handily tonight; that they will bully and beat the Canadiens in scrums and on the scoreboard. That won't garner respect. Better Bruins teams than this one have fallen at the final hurdle. The Bruins have tried to be executioners to the Canadiens for their entire sorry existence and HAVE NEVER FINISHED THE JOB. One should not respect an executioner. One must refuse to be a victim. Montreal time and again has refused. They do so again tonight.
My hate will die with you. - Robert the Bruce, Braveheart
Tonight, our hate lives again. Win or lose. First or second. Our hate sustains us until the next. Montreal has its weapons of choice. Boston has its own. Fuel for the Pretty Hate Machine is never in short supply.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Ten Things I Hate About the Washington Capitals ... Little People being Little and Petty on the Brink of Elimination Game Preview and Open Thread
10 Things I Hate About the Washington Capitals
Hey, any Caps fans remember the above picture of Bob Mason? No, of course not. It happened before Ovie. Yet here we are, in the playoffs, and the lot of you are all Rocking the Red and getting ready to dispose of our beloved Habs. I hate that. Know what else I hate?
9. Wait, that's not correct. At one point we all sat up and took notice of the Caps because they traded for Jaromir Jagr and trotted out some hideous new uniforms in crap blue and gold. Fantastic. Nothing like being the hockey team in the capital of the good old Red White and Blue U S of A and trashing those colours for this.
8. Of course, the Caps wore those terrible jerseys to their only Stanley Cup final in 1998, which happened to be one of the worst finals I've ever seen. Hockey's dead puck era might have reached its nadir with the abject display that final represented. Just terrible hockey and it wasn't Detroit's fault.
7. Dennis Maruk. Dennis Maruk's mustache. As a kid I received a book about NHL superstars. It featured Gretzky and Lafleur and Bossy and Trottier and Dionne and Dennis Fucking Maruk. Ruined the book. Seriously. A full slate of Hall-of-Famers and Dennis Maruk? Even finding a decent shot of Dennis Maruk on the web wasn't easy. Know why? Because it's Dennis Fucking Maruk, that's why!
6. If I hear one more announcer mention the hardscrabble, 17 teams in 13 leagues rocky road to the NHL that fat, bald whiny Bruce Boudreau took to get the Caps job, I'm going to murder someone. Boudreau's a good coach who travelled a lot. WE FUCKING GET IT. Cory Clouston in Ottawa is also an interesting story. So is Dan Bylsma in Pittsburgh. Peter Laviolette's journey over the past few years is pretty interesting too. Boudreau isn't NHL coaching's fucking answer to "Rudy", for fucks sakes.
5. Hey, has Dan Snyder traded for Terrell Owens yet? Did Donovan McNabb buy a house in Arlington? No? Okay, like the rest of the bandwagoning "Rock the Red" Caps fans, I'll continue to pay attention until the Redskins start training camp. Where the hell were all these Caps fans when Rod Langway or even Scott Stevens patrolled the blueline? Where were they 2 years ago when I was in Washington for a conference and Ovie was gunning for his 50th goal of the season and I went to the box office the day of the game and the ticket office basically offered me whatever price point I wanted? ( Christ, they even a student rush ticket. I was 34 years old.)
4. Dale Hunter. Dale "Head" Hunter. Author of one of the cheapest shots in NHL playoff history (you know the one). Guy with the second most penalty minutes in NHL history. Guy who fought with his own brother in an NHL game. Guy who now regularly gets suspended and fined for allowing his London Knights players to leave the bench for fights and abuses opposing coaches, players, and referees with abandon. Yeah, the Caps retired his number.
3. Hey, speaking of cheapshotting pricks, it's Alexander Ovechkin! You know, rookie of the year Ovie was a real treat to watch. He scored, he hit, he looked like he loved to be at the rink. Sure, he was a little reckless sometimes, but what a competitor! But the Ovie of the last couple of years has become a sullen, showboating, cheapshotting ass. He throws out knee on knee hits, he shoves cameramen, he treats reporters like shit, and he's become a miserable fuck. Two years ago if you'd asked me who I wanted on my team, I would have debated Crosby/Ovechkin for days. But today? Crosby deals patiently with the media, doesn't say stupid shit, doesn't throw dangerous hits and wins. Is Ovie bitter that Crosby keeps winning stuff he wants? Good. His whole "black hat" act (if it is an act) is wearing thin. If it isn't an act, he's just a dick.
2. There is a 10-DVD set of the 10 greatest Capitals games ever. Hold on, you say. Aren't the Caps only 35 years old? And didn't they suck for their first oh, 15 years? Oh, don't worry, you Red Rocking fans. The Caps thought of that. The first game in the set takes place in 1988. The second is in 1996. The third is the victory that sends them to their first and only Stanley Cup final in 1998. The other seven discs are from 2005 on. That's right, of the 10 greatest games in Washington Capitals history, seven of them just happened to involve Alex Ovechkin. In fact, one of them is Ovie's debut! There's also Bruce Boudreau's debut (really?) the night the Caps defeated their age-old Southeast Division rivals the Panthers to clinch a playoff spot, and the night they beat an imploding Rangers team to advance to the second round in 2009. Thankfully they didn't include one of the most interesting and famous games in NHL history (the Easter Epic that resulted in our feature photo above) because Caps fans would be confused by the funny star-covered white jerseys that Washington allegedly wore at home BO (Before Ovie).
1. Of course, the DVD collection makes perfect sense to TSN, CBC, Versus and ESPN, because according to them, this Capitals team is the 1955-60 Habs reincarnate, an unstoppable juggernaut of scoring awesomeness and Monsters! (TM McSplooge) that is destined for Cup glory this year and for the foreseeable future. Relax. This Caps team is about the eliminate an over matched, unlucky 8th seed with goaltending issues and the slowest defence this side of France's Maginot line ... however, change a bounce here or a boneheaded play there and they might be down 3-1 in this series. Beating this Habs team doesn't mean a damn thing.
Got comments, final words, funeral elegies? Put them in the comments.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Ten Things I Hate About ... the Tampa Bay Lightning - Game Preview and Open Thread
When your favourite team loses the night before, you carry a certain chip on your shoulder the next day. When they lose to fucking Florida, and only score one goal, and have another game the next night on what has become an annual thorn in the franchise's side Florida trip, you tend to get a bit pissy. And take it out on the next opponent. So in lieu of a preview, you get ...10 Things I Hate About the Tampa Bay Lightning
10. We've covered this before, but ... "Lightning! Avalanche! It's USSF Division 2 soccer, live on ESPN 6!!" It's a fucking stupid name. It's a fucking bush-league name.
9. Of course, we wouldn't expect any less of a city that can't even get its own name right. This is a pet peeve of New Republic editor and Slate/New York Times/Atlantic Monthly/ESPN contributor Gregg Easterbrook, who points out that the city the Lightning play in is actually called "Tampa", and sits at the mouth of a body of water called "Tampa Bay".
8. Lecavalier rumours. So. Many. Rumours. I read one more "The Bolts can't afford him, he's coming home to save the Canadiens" item, I'm killing Brian Lawton myself.
7. Hey, speaking of inept or useless Tampa GM's ... it's Phil Esposito! Big Phil's shameless huckstering and whoring out of the game to make a buck or two with the expansion Lightning was an embarrassment. Of course, most of that was necessary because Esposito's hand-picked financial backer, (Japanese company Kokusai Green) was essentially bankrupt and rumour has it a front for the Yakuza. The perilous state of the Lightning's finances lead to brainstorms like ...
6. Signing Manon Rheaume. Look, like any other red-blooded male, I loved the idea of a hot, hockey-playing babe. I kinda sorta didn't like that she got to play in the NHL (even if it was just an exhibition). Bottom line: Manon Rheaume wasn't good enough to make the roster of a National Hockey League team, even one as terrible as the Lightning. Esposito admitted it was all a publicity stunt after the fact. Well, duh. Still doesn't make it right. Panger gets no shot, but Rheaume does?
5. Wait, is that noted cheapshot artist and general fucktard Steve Downie on the roster? Why yes, yes it is. The Lightning employ a guy the FLYERS thought was a loose cannon. Sweet merciful crap.
4. This. This drives me fucking crazy, in a "screw these Southern-based, undeserving, Bettman-inspired crap franchises winning Cups" kinda way.
3. In a league full of bad jersey choices, the Lightning were the first to take it to a new level of stupid: The nickname jersey. Can you imagine the Leafs trotting out in a "Buds" shirt? Or Detroit or Chicago sporting only "Wings" or "Hawks"? Maybe the Flyers need to wear "Bullies" in script instead of the Flying P? Sounds ridiculous in theory. It's just as stupid in real life.
2. Frankly, the Lightning (and Lecavalier and St. Louis in particular) have a history of biting the Habs in the ass, just like their cousins in Miami. I've counted too many losses to these two johnny-come-lately Florida teams to count, and it pisses me off. Almost as much as ...
1. The fact that Tampa and Florida either a) whine and plead their way to get a visit from the Canadiens around Christmas to help their bottom line or b) are so financially unstable and unsuitable as pro hockey cities that the NHL desperately tries to get asses in the seats over Christmas by forcing marquee teams like the Habs into an annual Florida trip. Fuck that. If you are in such dire financial straits each year that your financial well-being depends on the Habs filling your coffers, MOVE THE FUCK TO A REAL HOCKEY TOWN or FOLD THE FUCKING TEAM. I haven't liked this rudderless, financial suckhole of a team since the day it was founded, and I wouldn't shed one tear to see it go down in flames. Especially if they win tonight.
Oh, right. Tonight. 7:00 pm, St. Pete's Times Forum, live on RDS and TSN. Some guys are hurt, some are healthy. Vinny and Stamkos are hot for Tampa, GMC and Cammalleri for Montreal. Jaro looking good despite last night's loss, but apparently Price gets the start. Mike Smith is hurting for Tampa so look for AnnTaylorNinnyChicomaki in goal.
Got a reason to hate the Lightning, the Panthers, the state of Florida in general? Let's hear it in the comments.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Ten Things I Hate About ... the Pittsburgh Penguins
We hate. We hate a lot. We hate our eternal rivals, thugs, Western Canadian Cup-stealers, Western Conference franchise player-stealers, and big-city blowhards with one Cup to show for seventy years of ineptitude. But most of all, we hate it when Lord Stanley's mug resides in someone else's trophy case. So until further notice, here's some reasons to hate the guys who have our birthright.
10 Things I Hate About the Pittsburgh Penguins
9. They have him and him. We wants them.
8. Pittsburgh. Penguins. Fuck alliteration. You sound like a high school team.
7. The CSKA Penguins. Does anyone remember this? The Pens went out and bought a stake in CSKA Moscow, only the most famous team in Russian hockey, and turned them into a walking joke. For any fan of the game's history, seeing the team of Kharmalov, the KLM line, Tretiak and Fetisov sporting that fucking ugly skating Penguin was a travesty.
6. Ulf Samuelson destroying Cam Neely's leg with a cheapshot ... no wait, that was FUCKING FANTASTIC. I fucking hate Cam Neely. Um ... Rick Kehoe's pornostache always freaked me out as a kid?
5. The Penguins historically comical uniform choices include this, this, this, and this. That's not even half of the changes, in just 42 years of existence. Pick. A. Fucking. Uniform. That. Doesn't. Suck.
4. Play-by-play man Mike Lange was amusing in Mario's heyday, but now he's an uncontrollable geyser of stupidity thanks to a thousand appearances on ESPN and TSN top tens. "Buy Sam a drink and get his dog one too"? Buy yourself a pistol and put us all out of our misery, for fucksakes.
3. Stole Ron Francis & Ulf Samuelsson for John Cullen and Zarley Zalapski. Fuck me.
2. Jaromir Jagr. The hair. The damn Jofa helmet with that hair. The fact that the Pens lucked into him at fifth overall and picked him with fucking awful, awful hair. The ridiculous luck of pairing Jagr with Lemieux (did I mention that fucking hair?)
1. 1975: The Pens creditors come knocking, since the team can't pay its bills. The fans aren't coming, the team is bankrupt, and just before the Pens are contracted or moved, a last-ditch effort saves them.
1983: The fans aren't coming to see the league worst Pens, the creditors are chasing the owners, Roberto Romano is starting games in goal to tank in an effort to get Mario Lemieux. Amazingly, a last-ditch effort saves the team from moving a second time.
1998: Despite having the talents of Lemieux, Jagr, Francis, Zubov, and others for the last decade, the Pens can't draw enough fans to the Igloo and start deferring player salaries. The team files for bankruptcy for the second time in their history, and (wait for it) only a last-ditch deal put together by Mario himself saves the team from moving for the third fucking time.
2001 and on: Still needing to cut costs, the Pens trade off Jagr, Alexei Kovalev, Robert Lang, Martin Straka and anyone else earning a major-league salary, plummeting to the basement a la 1983-84. The Pens end up picking no lower than 2nd for four straight years and end up with Marc-Andre Fleury, Evgeni Malkin, Sidney Crosby and Jordan Staal to show for it.
So, to sum up: The Pens spend years struggling, the fans stay away, the team almost folds or contracts, the fans rally for a few years and fill the building when the high draft picks lead them to glory. Rinse. Repeat. Congratulations, you bunch of front-running fuckheads, you're the Florida Marlins of hockey!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Ten More Things I Hate About ... The Boston Bruins
It's the playoffs, and it's Habs vs Bruins. While we reserve a special place in our hate-filled little hearts for the B's all through the year, the springtime is when we ratchet the hate to new, bile-filled levels. And even though we did this last year, there's plenty more to hate about our black and gold suited bastard Original Six foes. Thank God for Vermont, otherwise the Massholes would be right across the border.
Ten More Things I Hate About The Boston Bruins
10. Donald. S. Cherry. Sinden and the Bruins gave this xenophobic, loud mouth ignoramus his first shot at the big time, and ever since he blew the too-many-men-on-the-ice game he's been an annoying dick. Thanks, Boston.
9. Hey, speaking of moronic talking heads on the CBC who used to bleed black and gold, it's Mike Milbury! Look Milbury, we all know you hate the Habs. We all know you held a grudge against Lafleur for so long you refused to name him to the All-Star team until the NHL stepped in and made you. We just don't need to hear you rip the Habs every time you open your mouth, especially when they AREN'T EVEN FUCKING PLAYING.
8. Last time we hated on the Bruins, someone mentioned I missed hating one Ken "The Rat" Linesman. Consider that snivelling, dirty little fucker duly noted and hated on. Bonus hate points for the fact that Linesman was a Bruin, Leaf and a Flyer. You can't get much more hated than that around here.
7. Stan Jonathan. Butch Bouchard. Fuck. Every time the Bruins and Habs get into it, some idiot Bruins fan brings up the night Jonathan demolished Bouchard. I assume it's because it was the only thing the Bruins won vs the Habs in 45 years.
6. The Richard Riot happened after a brawl with the Bruins went off the rails. Coincidence? I like to think not. Rocket should have found Hal Laycoe in the parking lot and eaten his heart.
5. We're at number 5 and we still haven't mentioned this. Good God. The mustard yellow. The jagged edge. The lame fonts. The severed Yogi Bear head. You're a goddamn original six team, for the love of Guy. Have some dignity.
4. This whole Michael Ryder was disrespected crap is starting to piss me off. Robert L has the right take on it here. Ryder, his lousy plus minus and his one-dimensional game can bite me at this point.
3. The night the lights went out in the Garden during the Finals ... seriously? A pro sports franchise can't even keep the fucking power going? Oh, wait, the Garden was old, you say? That was the problem, you say? Listen, the lights in Fenway don't just randomly go out and it's older than the Garden was. The fucking Bruins were too damn cheap to renovate, that's the problem. That night made the entire NHL look fucking bush league.
2. Look at the roof of the Bell Centre. 24 Cup banners, 14 numbers retired for 15 players. The Bruins? 5 Cup banners. 10 retired numbers. Banners for President's trophies ... conference championships ... division titles ... the only things missing up there are the banners for the third place finish Esposito had in a hot-dog eating contest in 1969 and Tim Thomas's first runner-up ribbon from a Drew Carey look-a-like competition held in Cleveland in 1997.
1. It's the playoffs, Habs vs Bruins, and I haven't read anyone, anywhere, who thinks Montreal can win. I hate that most of all.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Marisa is gone, our playoff hopes aren't; New streak starts tonight - Rangers Game Preview and Open Thread
Well, our wonderful streak with a certain hot SI swimsuit model is done, but there is still business to take care of starting in New York ce soir. Business. New York. Wall Street. Wall Street, the movie. 80's greed. 80's hot SI swimsuit models. Elle. Turn back the clock to when Elle ruled the earth, the playoffs were safely clinched with a month to go, and the Rangers trotted out garbage like Mark Pavelich on the first line.
Despite all the sky is falling talk, a win by the Habs tonight clinches a playoff spot at the Rangers expense. A loss in OT and a Panthers loss clinches a playoff spot too. 3 games to get in ... who would have thunk we'd be this close to the edge? As an aside, after all the fun we've had with the Rangers and fuckheads like the Blueshirt Bulletin, dropping those loudmouth, God's-gift-to-mediocrity, ONE CUP IN 70 FUCKING YEARS, smug asshole fans and their overrated team out of the playoffs might be even better than last year's miracle on de la Montagne. Is there any neutral party out there who likes the Rangers? I think one-time commenter and Bruins fan B's fan for life said it best:
"I would hope you said they suck at life, because they do. But I try not to think too much about them, as I have no time to think about a waste of space such as the Rangers."
Jesus, even Bruins fans think they're better than you.
Drop the Rangers out of the playoffs and the whole hockey world will applaud, Habs. No Sean Avery sightings in the playoffs!
On to the points of bullet-like appearance:
- 7:00 pm from Madison Square Garden, the world's most famous non-hockey related events arena;
- Habs lost to the Sens to halt momentum, now 5-3-2 in last ten. Rangers 5-4-1 but lost last two;
- There's Rangers news out there, I'm sure, but the only one we know of is the aforementioned Blueshirt Bulletin ... and it's now basically a placeholder for a pay site called Blueshirt Bulletin +. Times are tough writing about the 6th most popular pro sports franchise in NYC, methinks;
- Hot Habs list reads much the same as the last week, Kovy/Koivu/Tanguay. Lukewarm Rangers include $300 million man Scott Gomez (9 pt in 12 games.)
- Uh, Zombiepleks? AK46? Anytime you're ready. After a hot start, Nickolai Zherdev has hit a wall. Deadline acquisition Nik Antropov started well in a Rangers uniform before the inevitable knee injury (PPP and Eyebeleaf just nodded their heads knowingly).
- Habs debating activating potential new owner Serge Savard to help out on the powerplay. Schneider is either out for the season or raring to go tonight, depending on who you want to believe. Markov is a definite out, unless he's not. No, wait, he is. Maybe. Rangers appear healthy in body, if not in mind. Sean Avery still an ass, though.
- Word is Price gets the start, if he's over the "flu". King Henrik the Slumping should get the start for the Rangers, unless NY wants to put their playoff lives in the hands of Steve Valiquette.
Your post-game entertainment is either the delicious tears of the Rangers faithful or more pointless blaming of Brad May and Mikhail Grabovski for ruining our season with clean hits.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Ten Things I Hate About ... the Colorado Avalanche
9. Colorado Avalanche sounds like a goddamn MLS name. The Avalanche and Lightning need to go. Now.
8. Pierre Lacroix, the smug, pompous, agent-turned GM who slimed and sleazed his way into a stunning run of success and then slinked away to become Avs president just before the wheels came off. His every press conference made me want to take a shower.
7. Colour scheme? Terrible. Jerseys? Ugly. Logo? Uninspired. Bigfoot print? Pointless. The one time they almost got the jerseys right, they just copied the Rangers ... and then they promptly stopped using them.
5. The Hit and the stupid, overblown rivalry that resulted. You would have thought that Detroit-Colorado was the first and only rivalry in hockey history the way it got discussed. Claude Lemieux was, is, and will always be a prick, former Hab or not.
3. The appalling lack of respect for the origins of the franchise. You reissued the retired numbers of Peter Stastny, Michel Goulet, Marc Tardif and JC Tremblay, but the stellar, monumental, 128 game (including playoffs) Avalanche career of Ray Bourque warrants a place in the rafters? What a slap in the face to the Nords, their fans, and to the actual Avalanche legends who should one day rightfully go to the rafters, (Joe Sakic & Peter Forsberg, for instance). [For the record, the Hurricanes have also neglected their heritage in this way; of the relocated WHA teams, only the Coyotes continue to honour the Jets retired numbers. So Carolina sucks too. We'll get to them someday.]
2. Trading for and winning a Cup with Bourque drove me crazy, but what made it worse was the year-long "16W" campaign, making it seem like it would be a Shakespearean tragedy if poor widdle Ray retired Cupless. Listen, no one has a divine right to get their name on the Stanley Cup. Plenty of superstar players went their entire careers without winning a Cup. The whole "win one for Ray" crap was so overblown and nauseating I actually cheered for the fucking Devils in that final. Fucking Lou Lamariello and the Devils, people. Think about that.
1. If you aren't sure what I would hate most about the Colorado Avalanche, you're on the wrong site.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
10 Things We Hate About the Flames: Game Preview and Open Thread
This is what you get when you google "Calgary Flames Girls". Her favourite book is the dictionary - we're thinking she though the question was "what is the only book that you own?"

Admittedly, this pisses me off way more. At least Rangers' fans know how to treat him.
3. The Red Mile myth. All it is now is an excuse for bars to paint stupid "Go Flames" crap in their windows, being nothing more than a marketing label. Nary a boobie to be seen. At least some academics at the U of C are looking into the phenomenon, for the purposes, I can only assume, of how to re-create it.2. 1989. Al MacInnis. Doug Gilmour. Joe Nieuwendyk. Theo Fleury. Mike Vernon. Lanny McDonald. In roughly that order. I especially hated how MacInnis owned Roy in the finals. It broke my 13-year old heart and forever soured me on the Flames. An unfortunate handicap when you end up moving to the city. Thankfully, we one first in '86. Plus there's the 24 to 1 Cup thing.
1. The collective delusion amongst Flames fans that their hometown team somehow competes with Edmonton's. The Oilers really are much better in every way. 5 Stanley Cups to 1. Gretzky, Messier, Kurri, Coffey, Lowe and Fuhr vs. Gilmour, Niewendyk, Fleury, MacInnis, Suter and Vernon? Please. Even the Oilers jersey's are better.
Alright Habs, let's get a measure of revenge on Calgary for the Stamps' Grey Cup win. Let's hear your thoughts in the comments, and if you're a Habs fan in Calgary, hope to see you at Flames Central!
UPDATE - Ed(HF29)'s note - the following was sent into FHF from reader Hurricane Eye in response to this story. We can't verify its veracity, but we're not journalists so who gives a shit. It amused us.
So I'm walking home around four yesterday when I spot Dion Phaneuf heading in the same direction, on Metcalfe, just north of Ste. Catherine. Since I'm fast and he's slow, I catch up to him. How did I know it was him? Well, he was big and had an NHLPA hat on. Also, he looked right at me and asked how to get to the Sheraton Centre. I told him to head south a block and then west two blocks; since I was heading in the same direction, we crossed the street together, where he bitched about the cold. ("Fuck! It's not this cold where I live." "Where's that?" "Calgary." Aha!)
Once we cross, I point out René-Lévesque - one block from where we were. Except he thought I had originally meant the short little street that runs just south of Ste. Catherine, where the infotourism centre is. Once he realized just how long the block is - about the length of the Sun Life building - he yells, Fuck!, and hops in a cab.
What a wimp. Of course I decided not to tell him that Sean Avery would have walked...
Thursday, May 08, 2008
First Annual Predictions Contest Ends in FHF Victory!
Well, the season has ended for our favourite bleu, blanc et rouge team, which means it's time for ... no, not some sort of silly season review ... it's time for ... the results of the First Annual FourHabsFans/Blueshirt Bulletin Canadiens/Rangers Prediction Contest, featuring noted Blueshirt Bulletin contributor, Dubi sycophant, FHF flame commenter,and overzealous Ranger attack dog Prospect Park! Thanks for playing, Prospect!*
*The inventors of the First Annual FourHabsFans/Blueshirt Bulletin Canadiens/Rangers Prediction Contest make absolutely no guarantees that noted Blueshirt Bulletin contributor, Dubi sycophant, FHF flame commenter and overzealous Ranger attack dog Prospect Park is
a) a willing participant in this contest or
b) even knew the contest existed, since HF10 made it up about a week ago.
The inventors would also like to point out that all predictions were freely provided by noted Blueshirt Bulletin contributor, Dubi sycophant, FHF flame commenter and overzealous Ranger attack dog Prospect Park in the FHF comments section, and as such, we're going to do whatever the hell we want with them.
On with the predictions!!
Category One: The Offseason Moves
Prospect Park said: The Ranger gave their fans reasons to get excited about this up-coming season, the Habs just did nothing.
We say: Fair enough prediction when first made. The signings of big-game stud Chris Drury and assist machine Scott Gomez, the continued excellence of Henrik Lundqvist, Jaromir Jagr, and Brendan Shanahan, and the hoped-for development of kids like Marc Staal and Nigel Dawes had New York fans envisioning a long playoff run. Montreal's offseason of losing Sheldon Souray and signing lower-tier free agents did not look very promising.
Advantage: Prospect!
Prospect Park said: Ranger fans get to talk about adding Drury and Gomez while Hab fans get to talk about adding Roman Hamrlik and Bryan Smolinski.
Prospect Park also said: Rangers have Chris Drury throwing checks and scoring goals, Hab fans get to watch Hamrlik cash more of his paychecks than throwing checks
We say: Looked like it could be true for the reasons above. However...
Hamrlik immediately stabilised the second pairing on the Montreal defence with his steady play and cool head, and proved an excellent mentor to youngsters Ryan O'Byrne and Josh Gorges and a valuable partner to whomever he was placed with, from Doom and Markov all the way down to the Breezer.
Advantage: FHF!
Smolinski took some stick for his slow start, and the team seemed to play better when he was injured early on, but his late-season return gave the Habs a much-needed faceoff man and veteran presence in the room, and his playoff performance between Steve Begin and Montreal's free-agent steal Greek Lightning probably saved the team from the embarrassment of a first-round exit. He was consistent and money well-spent on a cheap one year deal.
Advantage: FHF!
Drury signed a 5 year, $32.5 million deal in the summer and went on to post 25 goals, 33 assists and 58 points in 82 games in the regular season and 3 goals and 3 assists in 10 playoff games. Gomez signed a 7 year, $51.5 million deal on the same day as Drury, and rewarded the Rangers with 16 goals and 54 assists for 70 points in 81 games and a further 11 points in the playoffs. Drury and Gomez ended the playoffs as the second and third line centres behind rookie Brandon Dubinsky. Perhaps if their output and impact on the Rangers had matched their enormous contracts, the Blueshirts would have placed higher than 5th in the conference, maybe even wresting home ice advantage away from their eventual conquerors in Pittsburgh.
Advantage: FHF!
Category Two: The Season
Prospect Park said: The Rangers will be playing meaningful games this season as the Habs will be playing for a lottery pick.
We say: Yep, the Rangers played exactly as many meaningful games as the Habs ... only not at all, since Montreal had a bunch of meaningful games to decide who would finish first overall in the East, and the Rangers didn't. As for the lottery pick ...
Advantage: FHF!
Prospect Park said: Ranger fans are looking at a number one seed in the playoffs, Hab fans a lottery pick that they will have traded away trying to get the 8th seed.
We say: The Rangers weren't even number one seed in the greater New York area. And the 8th seed was in the Bell Centre this spring, but only to get beat by the number one seed Canadiens.
Advantage: FHF!
Category Three: Management
Prospect Park said: Ranger fans will get to chant "We want the Cup", Hab fans will get to chant "Fire Gainey" (but you guys will do it in English and French)
We say: Rangers fans spent most of their time crying "we got screwed by the refs" and "Crosby is a diver". FHF and the rest of the Habs fans repeat the mantra "Trust in Bob."
Advantage: FHF!
Prospect Park said: Tom Renney has a shot at Coach of the Year, Hab Fans wish Guy Carbonneau would just disappear.
We say: While he's not perfect, Carbo made the Habs a more defensively responsible team, made nice with Kovalev, found room for younger players and let them play, and came up with some very good lines, not to mention the almost unbeatable lucky tie strategy. Oh, and he's a nominee for Coach of the Year.
Tom Renney spent the year being second guessed for his use of timeouts, the dismal Ranger powerplay, and his continued preference for veterans over kids. He was then outcoached by Michel Fucking Therien in the playoffs.
Advantage: FHF!
Category Four: The Future
Prospect Park said: The Rangers have said "The Future is Now and Tomorrow", The Habs say "The Future is Someday we just do not know when"
As for Montreal ... Big and Little Tits. Mad Max. Gui! Gui! Gui! Panger's Boy Chips. Rhino. Price and Halak. Grabs. All under the age of 25. Oh, and Higgins & Komisarek are both just 26. Saku and Kovy are still under contract, as is Hamr. Of their UFAs, only Mark Streit would be a huge loss.
Advantage: FHF!
Category Five: In conclusion
Prospect Park said: Rangers are headed towards the Stanley Cup, the Habs towards nowhere, their fans know it and that is why come next spring when you get to watch the Rangers and their fans partying all spring and summer long you guys will be crying about how much you hate the Rangers.
We say: Have you guys stopped crying about the refs yet? We're trying to get amped for the Battle of Pennsylvania here and the wailing is really fucking distracting.
Advantage: Well, you know. FHF!
Final Score: Prospect goes down faster than Ryan Hollweg turtled versus Josh Gorges. FHF 9, Prospect Park 1.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Ten Things I Hate About ... the Boston Bruins
While every week is technically Bruins Hate Week at FHF Headquarters, the almost annual playoff showdown rachets up the hate quotient to another level. So in the fine tradition of apparently hating the rest of the Eastern seaboard...
10. 1979. Too many men on the ice. You had a collective tightening of the sphincter when leading the champs late in game 7, took the most inexcusable penalty in the book because of someone's brain cramp, and lost in overtime. It's over. Quit fucking whining about it, for fuck's sake (Harry Sinden, we are looking in your direction!) You probably would have lost to the fucking Rangers in the final anyway.
9. Swindled the Canucks by handing them injured, overrated, one-career-year Barry Pederson for noted Habs Killer Cam Fucking Neely AND the 3rd overall pick in the draft (Glen Wesley). Jesus. Manhattan for a string of beads and some firewater was less of a robbery. (Incidentally, this trade is going to rank number 2 on the "Ten Things I Hate About the Canucks" right below "Choose a fucking colour scheme and logo and fucking stick to it!")
8. Hey, speaking of Cam Neely ... nobody, and I mean nobody terrified me more as a Habs fan than Cam Neely. But if I hear one more goddamn Boston fan tell me how he was the greatest power forward ever it will be time for a killing spree across New England. Neely had a five year run that featured three very good seasons and two outstanding seasons receiving passes from uber-set up man Craig Janney, then had 50 goals in 44 games after returning from a terrible thigh injury. What Boston fans neglect to mention was Neely took every second game off that year to protect his injured thigh and had assist machine Adam Oates feeding him pucks. Devastating player? Sure. Habs killer? No doubt. Greatest ever? Fuck that. A Mr. Gordon Howe on line one, morons.
8. The Bruins retired Terry O'Reilly's jersey. Terry O'Reilly? It's like the Habs deciding to retire Mario Tremblay's jersey. (Well, not exactly. Tremblay won five Cups. O'Reilly? Zero.)
7. Gillies Gilbert. Gerry Cheevers. Reggie Lemelin. Pete Peeters. Andy Moog. How many damn times has a middling goalie with a spoked B on his jersey given the Habs fits? Here's hoping Tim Thomas never joins the party. (I know, Cheevers is in the Hall of Fame. I still never liked the fat little bastard.)
6. Ray Bourque leaves the Bruins after 20 years in search of a Cup. He wins it in Colorado. The city of Boston organizes and pays for a celebration where Bourque parades the Cup in front of wildly cheering Bruins fans. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???!!!?!?! If the Habs ever go 25 years without a Cup, trade their captain away so he can win one, and he brings it back to the city wearing his new jersey on the mayor's dime, I hope to hell he dies in a hail of gunfire on stage and city hall gets burned to the ground. Bruins fans should be ashamed.
5. Zdeno Chara is a big, dumb, jackass. That is all.
4. Actually, the Bruins have cornered the market on jackasses for years. O'Reilly. Mad Mike Milbury. Stan Jonathan. John Wensink. Derek Sanderson. Wayne Cashman. Don Cherry. 21st century jackasses like Chara, Shawn Thornton and rookie shit disturber Milan Lucic. What the hell is in the water in Boston?
3. Most evil man in the history of hockey? It might be Bruins legend Eddie Shore. A 4-time Hart trophy winner as a defencman, Shore might be better known as a tyrannical AHL coach and owner or as a frequently suspended cheap shot artist. His most notorious transgression ended the career of Leafs star and former scoring champ Ace Bailey. After being decked with a clean hit from Toronto's Red Horner, Shore charged up ice and levelled the first Leaf he saw (Bailey) from behind. Bailey fractured his skull, went into a coma, and never played again. Shore played seven more years and is revered as part of the Bruins defensive Holy Trinity with Orr and Bourque. Classy.
2. 24-7. That's the Habs current all-time playoff series record against the Bruins. 5 of 7 Boston wins have occurred in the last twenty years. That fucking pisses me off.
1. The Bruins are the anti-Habs; Dirty, lunch-bucket toting, grinding, defensive and thuggish in equal measures for most of their existence. Their fans are loud, boorish, and proud of their heritage of hostility and rats the size of dogs roaming the halls of the dump that was the Boston Garden. The Bruins clutch, and grab, and start scrums after whistles, and are the black-hearted, black and gold wearing brutes of the NHL.
The Canadiens are Les Glorieux; the Flying Frenchmen. The bleu-blanc-et-rouge standard bearers of speed, talent and passion for 100 years. For 80 years these two polar opposites have waged war; are you to tell me that there is an enemy we can hate more? There is not.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Top 10 Reasons to Hate the Flyers - Because Our Top 1000 Would Take Too Long
If only that era was truly over....Many NHL franchises have immediately identifiable characteristics: the Canadiens’ will always be the Flying Frenchmen (even when they score at a soccer-like pace); the Oilers are young and fast, the Devils defensive and boring. Meanwhile, the Philadelphia Flyers have staked a reputation of goonish thuggery and have too often given the league a figurative and literal black eye.
10. Center Bobby Clarke might be a Hall of Famer, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was a gap-toothed goon who believed winning was the only thing, to the extent that other players' safety was utterly irrelevant. Shooting pucks at goalie's heads to 'intimidate them' (back when helmets were not what they are today). The ultimate example being the vicious slash on Valery Kharlamov in the Super Series, breaking the Soviet star’s ankle. Just mind-boggling, cowardly, misguided hatred. He should be an embarrassment to all Canadians, not an idol.
9. Cooperalls, circa 1981-82. Those ugly one-piece pantleg things from the early eighties were a fashion crime against humanity. What does is say the Hartford freakin' Whalers were the only other franchise to employ such heinous attire? Go play ringette, you pussies.
8. That stupid fucking Kate Smith rendition of the anthem, which was once cool but is now so overused it borders on comical. Another glorious example of the Flyer's prediliction for not knowing when to quit.
7. Their goddamn idiot, Nazi-helmet wearing fans from the 70's. And yes we realize Ed Snider is Jewish. Only makes it more unbelievably inappropriate.
6. John LeClair and Eric Desjardins turning into superstars after the Mark Recchi trade. Lopsided trade despite Recchi being a valuable addition for several years due to LeCalir absolutely owning the Habs for the rest of his career. Plus made up 1/3 of the LEGION OF DUMB, err, DOOM line. We take small solace from Mikeal Renberg's current occupation, selling used cars in Omsk.
5. G.M. Bobby (Don’t Call me Bob) Clarke. So many reasons, but we'll rehash how he gutted the franchise for Eric Lindros, and in one of the most inexplicable scenarios if all time, turned the Big “E’ and his busy-body mom Bonnie into sympathetic figures. Plus, pieces of the Lindros trade were used by the Avs to shoplift Patrick Roy out from Rejean Houle’s goodiebag (ok fine, that was more the Habs’ fault than yours…) This is only mitigated somewhat by a) the trade blowing up in his face and b) signing the skating Gorillas, Derian Hatcher and Mike Rathje, to long-term deals.
4. The long line of street thugs the Flyers dress up in hockey gear: Bully Boulerice. Steve Downie. Deranged Hatcher. Box Car Hospodar. Wrong Hextall. Hammer (for brains) Schultz. Dupont. Clarke.
3. The 1989 Playoff attack on Chris Chelios; we realize he’s no choir boy and he had to know payback was going to be a bitch after clobbering Brian Propp with a vicious and illegal elbow. But even paranoid conspiracy-theorist Chelios couldn’t have anticipated the premeditated cornering and attack by Hextall, Ulf’s ugly stepsister Shell Samuelsson and the rest. And of course, like cowards, they with seconds left in the Flyer’s elimination game. Simply disgusting.
2. The embarrassment that is and was the Red Army/Flyers game. The fact that the Habs/Red Army New Year's game is one of – if not THE - best ever makes the Flyers actions all the more abominable.
1. President Bob Clarke standing up for Steve Downie after the clearly deranged young ‘man’ proves time and again he can’t draw the line between physicality and outright, bloodthirsty, violence. Just like his idol, Bobby Clarke.
Monday, February 04, 2008
A Tale of Two Cities: Habs Have Best and Worst of (New York) Times
The Canadiens did their usual Super Bowl weekend thing, messing up our posting schedule, our sleep patterns, and their own rhythm, so here's a totally mixed up, totally messy plan-the-parade-the-sky-is-falling post-not-so-Super-weekend review.
Oh, and one more thing: Fuck Ryan Hollweg and Colton Orr. (More on that later).
Why yes, yes it is the roof caving in! Rangers power play ... goal. 24 seconds later, Kovy channels his inner-Breezer ... goal. Rangers start pouring it on ... goal. All in the second half of the second period. Frankly, with the Habs running around, Huet standing still, and the Rangers having sucked the life out of the Bell Centre, the two third period Ranger goals were as expected as a Patriots victory later in the day. If the Habs make the playoffs, pray to Guy that they don't draw the Rangers in round one, because the Blueshirts give this team fits. They can skate, they can score, they have an excellent goalie and they have a number of players skirting the line between tough guy and cheap-shot artist. Which brings us to:
Ryan Hollweg and Colton Orr are a pair of jackass miscreants: First, a disclaimer for any Rangers fans who will read this, totally miss any salient points, and focus only on what they perceive are SLANDEROUS, ILL-INFORMED, YOU SUCK-RANGERS RULE-HOW MANY CUPS HAVE YOU WON SINCE 1994-CHEATING FRENCH BASTARDS-50 MILE RULE slights against their franchise. I saw the Kovalev elbow. It was blatant, it was a cheap-shot, it could warrant a suspension. What Kovalev did was stupid and inexcusable and definitely a penalty. Of course, what Ryan Hollweg did makes him look like the absolute chickenshit asshole he really is. After getting cheapshotted, Hollweg went back to the bench, thought about it, and on his next shift he ran the Canadiens youngest, slightest player headfirst into the boards. Seriously, Hollweg? You get your bell rung by Kovalev and then take a run at Sergei Kostitsyn, the smallest, easiest prey on the ice? And after you do it, and Josh Gorges tries to make you answer for it, you turtle and drop to your knees faster than Paris Hilton in a niteclub bathroom? No goddamn wonder Chris Simon tried to take your head off.
And you, Mr. Colton Orr. Your chickenshit teammate just ran someone into the boards, turtled until the linesman saved him from JOSH GORGES (no offense, Josh ... we love how hard you've worked this year, and how you stepped up to the plate in defence of Little Tits, but you're no Butch Bouchard), a scrum breaks out and you decide to dance with ... Frankie Bouillon? Last time I checked, Frankie B comes up to the "G" in Rangers on your jersey. Maybe you held back, didn't throw em with as much fury as you would against another heavyweight, but you didn't wait for Begin or Greek Lightning or Komisarek (and there was plenty of time left to meet one of them in a corner, Colton) you fought with 5-8 (in skates) Frankie Bouillon. I know the Habs don't carry a traditional goon like you on the roster, but cmon. What, you couldn't get a hold of Koivu? That sequence was a microcosm of how useless your services are. Enjoy your seat in the pressbox in the playoffs when actual hockey players decide everything, lunkhead.
Chez Paree Bound? For four periods this weekend, everybody but Breezer was going. There were moments when I dared to dream about a very impressive playoff run. From midway through the second on Sunday until the end, this team looked like also-rans. Taking the two games as one mashed together New York-a-thon, the final verdict is no one gets in. The last half vs the Rangers was that awful.
Next Evil, Evil Foe: The suddenly reeling and within striking distance Sens on Tuesday. Five For Smiting is drinking heavily already.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
The Final Word: The Right Thing To Do

Thursday, August 30, 2007
The Morning Skate for Thursday, August 30
- WAR IN THE BLOGOSPHERE!!! A slug fest between the FHF and the Blueshirt Bulletin. Scroll down for some quality sparring.
- Jose Theodore will find his seat as the worst backup goaltender in the NHL roughly 5 weeks late, a period the Avs will learn to call "the happiest times of our lives".
- Some Ranger bloggers and fans have no class whatsoever. It saddens me to say that New York, a truly vibrant and wonderful place, has been represented by a bunch of clumsy, abrasive fools.
HF29 lives! We are relieved to have received word from our brave friend. He has much to share with us kind folk. Our anxiety has lessened, our turbulent nights shall once again offer their comforting slumbers, and TMS shall return to its rightful owner.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Our measured response to the Blueshirt Bulletin

Wow. We expected a reaction to our little tongue-in-cheek top ten, but this is fantastic stuff. I'm intrigued by your response to us having some fun at the Ranger's expense, but I think your passion is clouding your judgement. Let's go through your points one-by one.
Your ignorance is astonishing. The NY Americans remained in business -- in the Garden -- for fifteen years after the Rangers came into the leauge. It was MSG's owner in 1941 -- Jim Norris -- who ran them out of the building. Norris, by the way, owned the Red Wings and (illegally) the Blackhawks at the time. He used his ownership of the Rangers' home building to keep them from playing home games in the playoffs, including in 1950 when the Wings beat the Rangers in double-OT of the seventh game of a Cup final series in which five games were played in Detroit and two in Toronto. He also looted them (as well as the Blackhawks) of players, like Gordie Howe (who first came up with the Rangers at age 17) and Harry Lumley. His control of the Garden was wrested from him by an antitrust suit brought against him by the US Justice Department. The NHL, in its wisdom, named the Norris Trophy after him.
1. Rickard promised the Americans that there wouldn't be another hockey tenant at MSG.
2. Rickard and MSG management saw how successful the Americans were at the box office, and decided to go back on their word and get a team.
3. When the Rangers proved an immediate success, it negatively affected the Americans profile in comparison because they were struggling on the ice; naturally, fans gravitate towards a winner, so as the Rangers crowds went up, the Americans crowds went down. As they struggled more at the box office and on the ice, the franchise started a downward spiral that ended when the NHL revoked the franchise. James Norris might have dealt the final blow to the Amerks, but stating that the introduction of the Rangers into the market didn't help bring about the demise of the Americans is either naive, ignorant or both. Tex Rickard went back on his word, founded a team to directly compete with the Americans, and is as responsible as anyone for their end. Those are the facts, whether you like them or not. (Lovely story about Norris, by the way. Has nothing to do with our topic, but thanks for the history lesson. Imagine, some of the founding fathers of the NHL were less than reputable sorts! Astonishing.)
Now Montreal "Canadiens" -- that's an original name. Especially for the biggest city in a province that doesn't even want to be part of Canada.
How many Cups would you have won without the 50-mile rule, eh?
And the Forum, that's a pretty famous arena. I love to visit it whenever I'm in Montreal -- oh wait, it doesn't exist anymore? Since when? Over TEN YEARS! But you said "The Montreal Forum just called" -- where from, a time machine?
Interesting theory on the Montreal Arena. I have no idea if the Canadiens intentionally burned down their own rink in order to destroy the already struggling Wanderers, but I think burning your own home down and being forced to move to your previous smaller home sounds a little counterproductive to running a successful business. It makes for a nice conspiracy theory but doesn't make Tex lying to the Americans about the terms of their MSG agreement any less true. And if "being part of the group" means being part of "every other team in the league" then yes, the Habs up and left Livingstone and helped form the NHL. I'd like to think all those teams didn't take their puck and go home merely because Livingstone's team was successful; it might have also been because Livingstone could be a royal pain-in-the-ass. Of course, you probably know it was the Wanderers ownership who spearheaded the drive to get Livingstone out, but that wasn't a convenient fit for your rant.
And you had to go down to 7th place to find names you can make fun of on the all-time scoring list -- skipping over Rod Gilbert, Brian Leetch, Jean Ratelle, Andy Bathgate, Mark Messier, and Walt Tkaczuk. What, you couldn't come up with any jokes about those guys?
Yeah, I made fun of some of the low-hanging fruit on the Rangers all-time scoring list. If you had paid attention, that's kind of the point. Like it or not, Steve Vickers and Adam Graves aren't on the tip of the tongue when someone says "all-time greatest NHLer's", yet there they are, among the top ten Rangers scorers of all-time. It was a dig at your team's lack of star power over the years, and I think a rather good one. Look at the Habs all time top scorers for comparison:
1. Lafleur
2. Beliveau
3. H. Richard
4. M. Richard
5. Robinson
6. Cournoyer
7. Lemaire
8. Shutt
9. Geoffrion
10. Lach
Stars, every one of them; all Hall of Famers save Lemaire. That's what an all-time scorers list should look like; good God man, can't you see the humour in your team's history at all? Of course I skipped over Messier and Leetch and Gilbert. They are all-time greats and everyone knows it. I would laugh just as hard if somehow Denis Herron or Steve Penney was featured prominently amongst Plante, Dryden and Roy on a list of all time Habs goalies.
You idiots -- your site is pathetic. It sure looks like it has a lot of visitors. Too bad none of them like to leave comments.






