The Totally Shocking NHL All-Star Fantasy Draft Goes Live! - All-Star Weekend Preview and Game Open Thread

[AP] Raleigh, NC - In a stunning turn of events, NHL All-Stars unanimously voted to change the 2011 All-Star game captains last night. NHL All-Star representatives have revealed the results of the new vote: Nik Lidstrom and Eric Staal are out, and Montreal Canadiens stars Andrei Kostitsyn and Carey Price are in. We now go live to TSN with James Duthie, Bob McKenzie and Pierre McGuire as they provide live analysis of the picks for Team Kostitsyn and Team Price.

James Duthie: Here we are live from the NHL Fantasy All-Star draft on TSN. A surprising day when NHLPA reps said they would go on strike if mega-talented Andrei Kostitsyn wasn't added to the All-Star game and made captain, opposite his superstar goalie teammate Carey Price. Kostitsyn has won the toss, so he gets to pick first. Andrei, you're on the clock.

Andrei: I pick for All Starring game Sergei. My brother all-star yes?

Duthie: Um ... no. Ruling?

NHL Reps: Fuck it. Sergei's in.

McGuire: That's a huge pick by Andrei Kostitsyn! The Tits brothers ride again! Monster! Double Dion!!!

Duthie: Carey Price, you're on the clock.

Price: This game's in Carolina, right? Gotta pick a man who knows where the good shit goes down. Eric Staal. I remember that bachelor party him and his bros had. Hell, gimme Marc and Jordan Staal too man. Let's fuck shit up!

McKenzie: Looks like Team Price is building strength down the middle and on the backline. Great picks.

Andrei Kostitsyn: I am picking Pasquale Mangiola for being All-Star friend.

Duthie: Off the board choice there for Team Kostitsyn!

NHL Rep: Oh, for fucksakes ...

Price: Awesome! Dude, I got Patrick Kane. That guy can party like nobody's business, amIrite?

McGuire: Patrick Kane's a party ANIMAL!!! Team Price is getting loaded! Dion!!! MONSTER!

McKenzie: Christ, McGuire, will you zip it?

Andrei: Is my turn? Tomas Plekanec.

NHL Rep: But he's not ... he isn't even in ... this fucking moron hasn't picked anyone in ... I quit. No, I'm out. Fuck it.

McKenzie: Great two-way player, Tomas Plekanec, but technically not on the All-Star roster. Interesting move for Team Kostitsyn.

Price: Hey man, have the Sedins and Kesler flown in from Vancouver yet? They're supposed to be bringing me a "care package" from home, you know? West Coast baby! [Agent whispers into Price's ear] Didn't get through customs? Five to ten years? Shiiiiiiittt. Alright, I pick that stripper from Supersexe. You know the one. Gotta give Kaner and the Staal boys some motivation, eh?

McGuire: That's a SEXY PICK FROM CAREY PRICE! CAREY PRICE!! CAAAREEEEEE PRIIIIICE!!!!

Duthie: Andrei?

Andrei: Carey Price.

McKenzie: Wait. What? Can he ... holy shit, there's nothing in the rules says he can't do that.

Price: Mindblow. Andrei, you just blew my fuckin' mind dude! I'm taking Ovie. Ovie's the man.

Andrei:  Ovie is good pick. I will take Ovie too.

Duthie: Fuck me, you're stupid. HE JUST FUCKING PICKED ... Seriously, I'm gonna beat your ass Kostitsyn.

Price: Hey, is my cousin here? Lord knows nobody else on the Coyotes would be. My mom says I better take him or my Aunt Milly will never let her hear the end of it.

Duthie: Shane Doan adds some punch to Team Price.

Andrei: My cousin Vadim Sushko is playing for Shakhtar Soligorsk. He also all-star for me.

McKenzie: I'm done. [Walks off set].

McGuire: Just took Bobby McKenzie's coffee! AWESOME BY ME!! PHANEUFOSITY!!!

Price: Kaner says Toews is a funny dude stoned. Plus him and me kicked it old school in that shootout in Grand Forks, dude. Man, I was sooooo high for that game.

Duthie: Okay, let's move this along. Andrei. Lord help us.

Andrei: Malkin.

Duthie: FUCKING HELL, ANDREI! Hey, that pick makes sense. Wait - no, no it doesn't. Malkin's hurt. Fuck my life.

Price: Hey, Jeff Skinner still on the board? Need a back up to show me around Raleigh if the Staaler gets arrested.

Andrei: Tim Thomas.

Duthie: Huh? [leans over to McGuire] I think that dunce might actually have a clue.

McGuire: TOTALLY!!!!! HE'S A DOUBLE DION PICKER!!!!!

Duthie: Shut it.

Price: Carey ... Corey. Carey ... Corey. Hey man, did anyone else notice that Corey Perry's name and my name are really close? It's like one letter off. Nice. He can be on my team.

Duthie: Alright dumbass, who do you like?

Andrei: I like Double Cheeseburger.

Duthie: No, for your pick, Andrei. You pick?

Andrei: I pick Double Cheeseburger.

McGuire: DOUBLE CHEEEESE!!!!! BAMMO!!!! BLEAAARRRGHHH!!!!! [Head explodes].

Price: Hey, who do you think would pull more chicks, Shea Weber or Steve Stamkos?

Duthie: Take them both so we can get the fuck out of here.

Price: Duthie, dude! Done.

Duthie: Andrei?

Andrei: Phil Kessel.

Duthie: That's the dumbest fucking pick yet. [Throws chair and storms off in disgust].

Andrei: So I is winner, yes?

Price: Dude, totally. Let's go get some fucking tacos.

We're planning the Habs' All-Star break for this Flyers preview and open thread

Ah, the All-Star break. A time when 1% of the league gathers for a useless 14-11 game and some photo ops, and the other 99% of the league does something else (hookers and blow). With all the Habs but TFS having a week off after tonight, we thought we'd provide a couple of handy suggestions as to how they should spend their time.

PatCHes - chest protector shopping

The Mexican - mentally prepare for traditional second half points explosion; alternative - meeting with financial planners

MOEmaN - dig up more dirt on CHokula to regain top 6 forward status

Tits - studying for kindergarten equivalency degree

Tommy Pyatt - actually get in some ice time

Hal Gill - potluck dinner preparation

PFK - attend Homer Simpson Showboating Academy for additional ideas to really piss Don Cherry off

Entire defensive corps - knee-strengthening exercises, and lots of 'em

Alex Auld - get kick-ass head tattoo

CHokula - sign up for "Get in Touch With Your Emotions" seminar at the Holiday Inn by the airport

CoaCH Kirk - resumé writing workshop

PleXXXe - beach time. You've earned it. Like you earned an ASG invite you didn't get, because the ASG is biased against two-way players.

OK let's set up the Phucktards with a little help from some other All-Star Games from around the world of sports.

Waiting for defense in an NBA ASG - 7:30 PM start in Philly, on Versus for all you 'Mericans. The Flyers are probably the best team in the league right now, and these are arguably the two hottest teams in the league in 2011. Flyers have gone 9-2-0 in January, while the Habs went 6-1-3 over the same span. This is the fourth and final meeting between the teams, the Flyers holding a 2-1 edge. A win would tie the Habs' point total with the Bs, though the Bs would have one game in hand.

Like the WNBA ASG; you really don't want to watch, but you can't turn away from the giant freaks - I expect some Broad Street Hockey drop-ins tonight. Play nice everyone!

Hot like Pete Rose barreling into Bob Ray Fosse in the 1970 ASG - PatCHes 4 points in his last 2, CHeez Whiz more than a point per game over his last eleven (and is now the Habs' 2nd-leading scorer if you count his Isles stats), and even Tits is getting points in his last couple of games. For the Flyers, Claude Giroux has 5 points over his last 2 and Mike Richards has 5 in 3. Bobrovsky is playing some damn fine goalie.

As useless as the Pro Bowl - given the teams' respective January records, it's no surprise that neither team has any really bad players right now. I just wanted to write that the Pro Bowl is useless.

If you get injured in an ASG you're either Ted Williams, Bob Ray Fosse, or an idiot - anyone notice how there is still no official announcement from the Habs on the state of Squid's shoulder? Anyone worried about that? Looks like Halpern should be back tonight tho. For the Flyers, Ian Laperierre is concussed on IR, and James van Riemsdyk (who had the GWG in both wins against the Habs this year) is day to day with a groin and questionable for tonight.

Post-game adult entertainment - All-Star Porn Girls! (really very completely totally NSFW)

Are you an all-star commentor? Prove it.

TMS Reviews the All-Star Game

Kovy!

Ladies and Gentlemen, your All-Star assistant coach...

Thanks to last night's win over the Caps, Habs have the second highest winning percentage in the East (or something, I'm really not sure how it works). This grants Carbo the honour of standing behind the East bench. I will admit, the potential sight of Julien and Carbo next to each other behind the bench has me amused. Since there isn't much coaching to do, Carbo can spend his time dreaming about his Breezer love.

Ah yes, Breezer, he of the FUCKING UGLY GIVEAWAY. Gotta give him credit, that was one of his best last night. I like how he always tries to top himself. This time he added a little spice by giving the puck to one of the best Capitals. The TSN story says Semin "stole the puck", but we all know better, right?

At least we can kid, thanks to heroic Tits.That was some kind of third period. Too bad I missed it.

Habs Suck (Devils 4-1) but they're all All-Stars. Who's up for a WJHC Open Thread?

Well that was a load. I guess we can't expect the Habs to go 4-0 on a road trip but fuck. Jaro was bleh, no forward over the age of 25 showed up, and I may have fallen asleep.

But god love some computer programmer, four Habs will start in the All-Star Game. TFS, DOOM, Markov, and Kovy. I am embarrassed.

But it's Canada-Russia at 7 PM! Always a good time. We'll be here if you care to comment.

Hey, it's ASS (All Star Sunday)!

The FHF All-Star coverage has been either brilliantly rant-y (one last time, fuck you, you little fuckity-fuck) or, uh, well I guess that's been the extent of our All-Star coverage. I think it's because we just don't care. Or maybe it's because it's on a sucky network in the States we're still pissed the NHL re-upped with. (We kid, Versus, you're great! Can we have our magnetic playoff thingy now?)

Anyway, we're about to rectify our lack of ASS coverage, in handy HF29-patented bullet point form!

• Well that fancy-schmancy shootout contest was a total suck-fest. No one could score and beyond Ovechkin's juggle-baseball attempt (which he whiffed on), no one was impressing Dominique Wilkins on this night;
• There is some actual hockey news from yesterday as the NHLPA is pissed about the NHL announcing the Euro games even thought the players haven't agreed to it yet. Pick up the phone once in a while, NHL!
• For some real All-Star coverage, head over to Interchangable Parts. Pookie and Schnookie's desire for the Versus magnetic playoff thingy is insatiable;
• melt your face-off is your one-stop shop for ASS live blogs. hockey's ladies of greatness will have one too.

Well, that's really it. We just don't care. Sure, we'll be watching. But a 14-12 game is not hockey dammit.