Feb. 2, Joliette, QC (AP/UPI) - On this Groundhog Day, Joliette Jacques emerged from his hole and saw his own shadow, thus ensuring six more years of The System, as per the old tradition dating back to 1763. The reaction was mixed.
Joliette Jacques' handler Geoff Molson was delighted with the news. "While I understand some of Habs Nation not being excited, to me this development couldn't be better. The System will ensure the continuation of the tight low-scoring games for which the Habs have become famous over the last couple of decades. We must keep that tradition alive."
The so-called Habs Nation was less than thrilled. This reporter contacted a gentleman named "HabsFan29" (not his real name), a middling to mediocre "blogger" at the pornography website Four Habs Fans (see http://fourhabsfans.blogspot.com/). Given his moniker, it is logical to assume Mr. 29 is a Canadiens fan and speaks for all Habs fans, a notoriously homogeneous group that agrees on everything, when he offered the following comment: "f*ck. F*CK F*CK F*CK. Zzzzzzzzz".
"What Mr. 29 and other Habs fans fail to recognize," stated Mr. Molson, "is that Joliette Jacques is a coach who can speak French. As there are no candidates among the current roster of Assistant Coaches to replace him, it is important that Joliette Jacques and his System be locked up for the next six years. Seeing his shadow was just confirmation for me."
Mr. Molson continued, "The System allows the team to play down to the level of the opponent, which is the key to success in today's modern NHL. When you play the Islanders or Columbus you want to ensure to play at their level, in order to keep it close so you can win in a shootout. The System makes that possible."
Mr. Molson's theory will get put to the test tonight at 7:30 P.M at the Bell Centre as the Canadiens face the 11th-place team in the Eastern Conference, the Florida Panthers. It will be their third meeting this year, with each team having won one in the other's building. This reporter contacted Donny Rivette of the popular Panthers "weblog" Litter Box Cats by telephone for a comment on the six more years. Mr. Rivette stated that "I watched The System, I knew The System, and you Habs, you are not The System. [audible laughter]. You totally are, and you're totally f*cked."
Despite recent solid offensive performances by Habs players Tomas Plekanec (5 points over his last 4 games) and captain Brian Gionta (2 goals plus the shootout winner last night), it is expected that The System will quash these offensive outbursts as night one of the next six years begins. With backup netminder Alex Auld getting his first start after being pulled in a recent game against Calgary, the Canadiens may need as much of The System as they can get.
