Ten Things I Hate About ... the Tampa Bay Lightning - Game Preview and Open Thread

When your favourite team loses the night before, you carry a certain chip on your shoulder the next day. When they lose to fucking Florida, and only score one goal, and have another game the next night on what has become an annual thorn in the franchise's side Florida trip, you tend to get a bit pissy. And take it out on the next opponent. So in lieu of a preview, you get ...

10 Things I Hate About the Tampa Bay Lightning

10. We've covered this before, but ... "Lightning! Avalanche! It's USSF Division 2 soccer, live on ESPN 6!!" It's a fucking stupid name. It's a fucking bush-league name.

9. Of course, we wouldn't expect any less of a city that can't even get its own name right. This is a pet peeve of New Republic editor and Slate/New York Times/Atlantic Monthly/ESPN contributor Gregg Easterbrook, who points out that the city the Lightning play in is actually called "Tampa", and sits at the mouth of a body of water called "Tampa Bay".

8. Lecavalier rumours. So. Many. Rumours. I read one more "The Bolts can't afford him, he's coming home to save the Canadiens" item, I'm killing Brian Lawton myself.

7. Hey, speaking of inept or useless Tampa GM's ... it's Phil Esposito! Big Phil's shameless huckstering and whoring out of the game to make a buck or two with the expansion Lightning was an embarrassment. Of course, most of that was necessary because Esposito's hand-picked financial backer, (Japanese company Kokusai Green) was essentially bankrupt and rumour has it a front for the Yakuza. The perilous state of the Lightning's finances lead to brainstorms like ...

6. Signing Manon Rheaume. Look, like any other red-blooded male, I loved the idea of a hot, hockey-playing babe. I kinda sorta didn't like that she got to play in the NHL (even if it was just an exhibition). Bottom line: Manon Rheaume wasn't good enough to make the roster of a National Hockey League team, even one as terrible as the Lightning. Esposito admitted it was all a publicity stunt after the fact. Well, duh. Still doesn't make it right. Panger gets no shot, but Rheaume does?

5. Wait, is that noted cheapshot artist and general fucktard Steve Downie on the roster? Why yes, yes it is. The Lightning employ a guy the FLYERS thought was a loose cannon. Sweet merciful crap.

4. This. This drives me fucking crazy, in a "screw these Southern-based, undeserving, Bettman-inspired crap franchises winning Cups" kinda way.

3. In a league full of bad jersey choices, the Lightning were the first to take it to a new level of stupid: The nickname jersey. Can you imagine the Leafs trotting out in a "Buds" shirt? Or Detroit or Chicago sporting only "Wings" or "Hawks"? Maybe the Flyers need to wear "Bullies" in script instead of the Flying P? Sounds ridiculous in theory. It's just as stupid in real life.

2. Frankly, the Lightning (and Lecavalier and St. Louis in particular) have a history of biting the Habs in the ass, just like their cousins in Miami. I've counted too many losses to these two johnny-come-lately Florida teams to count, and it pisses me off. Almost as much as ...

1. The fact that Tampa and Florida either a) whine and plead their way to get a visit from the Canadiens around Christmas to help their bottom line or b) are so financially unstable and unsuitable as pro hockey cities that the NHL desperately tries to get asses in the seats over Christmas by forcing marquee teams like the Habs into an annual Florida trip. Fuck that. If you are in such dire financial straits each year that your financial well-being depends on the Habs filling your coffers, MOVE THE FUCK TO A REAL HOCKEY TOWN or FOLD THE FUCKING TEAM. I haven't liked this rudderless, financial suckhole of a team since the day it was founded, and I wouldn't shed one tear to see it go down in flames. Especially if they win tonight.

Oh, right. Tonight. 7:00 pm, St. Pete's Times Forum, live on RDS and TSN. Some guys are hurt, some are healthy. Vinny and Stamkos are hot for Tampa, GMC and Cammalleri for Montreal. Jaro looking good despite last night's loss, but apparently Price gets the start. Mike Smith is hurting for Tampa so look for AnnTaylorNinnyChicomaki in goal.

Got a reason to hate the Lightning, the Panthers, the state of Florida in general? Let's hear it in the comments.

This is the longest off-season ever ... fuck it, let's talk soccer!

Don't worry, we will return to our regularly scheduled waiting for Mats coverage soon enough.

As the offseason drags on and on and on and on and on and (well, you get the idea) we need to find something to talk about. And once upon a time, way back in the beginning (around 1 BJ [Before Jaro, get your minds out of the gutter - ed.]) this blog started with a promise to discuss Soccer, Strippers ... and the Habs. We've done pretty well on the strippers and Habs topics, but our soccer talk is woefully inadequate, especially considering the wealth of hot soccer-themed pics that are out there. So here goes, as I pick up the soccer (or football, for the insufferable purist-types) ball and start running. (Which, ironically, would get me in big trouble were this an actual soccer game.)

My tastes run more towards the English game, with a side order of vehemently cheering against the evil that is Rangers in Scotland because that's what Scottish Catholics do. Scotland is predictable as hell, since Rangers and Celtic have won every league title since the mid-80's. Throw your lot in with one of the others if you don't mind winning the occasional Cup and getting bounced out of Europe early. I recently discovered my ancestors came from Lanark, so I may need to start supporting Motherwell or Hamilton Academical. Let's move on.

The EPL is almost as predictable as Scotland at this point, with Man U (Rangers-like evil, minus the religious bigotry) and Chelsea (new-money West London gate-crashers) looking better than Arsenal (formerly boring boring Arsenal, now slick and fun to watch, but young) and Liverpool (Cup knockout specialists, England's most successful team domestically and abroad, but equally bitten by glory and tragedy). Chelsea buys all the most expensive toys, Man U gets all the calls and is run by the Lou Lamariello of soccer, Arsenal is always exciting but doesn't have any money to spend, and Liverpool does stupid things like buy an entirely unecessary new forward at the expense of wingers, or spend the summer trying to sell their brilliant Spanish midfielder Xabi Alonso and replace him with an older, inferior Englishman named Gareth Barry. God help me. Those four will end up in the top four spots in some order, just like they always do.

Panger is the Italian expert, so I defer to him, but it looks like Inter is the team to beat, with Milan (and Kaka! - unfortunate name, but wonderous player) Juventus and possibly Roma making it interesting. At some point, someone will get paid to fix a game, Juve will get a ton of sketchy calls in their favour, and the majority of the games will be dull 0-0 draws.

Spain = Real Madrid and Barcelona, with a dash of Villareal, Athletico Madrid, and possibly Sevilla tossed in. Keep an eye for the yearly struggle of Athletic Bilbao to stay up; they are one of only three teams (along with Real Madrid and Barcelona) to never be relegated ... but they also refuse to sign any players who aren't Basque. That's pretty remarkable. Imagine the Bruins announcing they would only sign players from New England. Yeah. Not the easiest way to build a contender ... but nothing else works for those cheapskates, so maybe they should look into it.

In Germany ... oh, nobody watches German football. The league is called the Bundesliga. It's a fun word to say. Bayern always wins. Schalke once made Pope John Paul II an honorary team member. Bayer Leverkusen was actually started by the asprin maker. German football is weird. Exhibit A: FC St. Pauli.

In local news, the Impact has a great new stadium, Toronto FC has a great atmosphere, and the Canadian National team just fucking tied Jamaica. Hockey season can't come soon enough. We promise, no more soccer talk when that happens.

Hot Babe With a Tenuous Relationship to Hockey of the Day

This, for those of you living under a rock since the mid-90's, is University of Kentucky alum/sometime actress/race car driver wife Ashley Judd. She posed for the schedule/calendar of the University of Kentucky Hockey Club back in her heyday. Random other C and D-List celebs have done the same, including a disgraced Miss America. While we can't say we approve of the UK hockey team's jersey choices, on a muggy summer day when very little actual hockey news we care about is happening ... (Ron Wilson? Wake me when you get John Brophy back behind the bench!) we salute their "let's get hot chicks to pose in our sweater" philosophy.

Plus, it beats trying to figure out a draft preview. What are we picking, 25th?

Panger's Mea Culpa

I'm feeling blue. Or rather, I wish I were feeling blue.

OK, so at the risk of being hung, drawn and quartered by FHF's 'legions' of fans (both of you, and I'm especially scared of LG77) I admit it: it was my fault the Habs lost. I watched the first period and a half at the Calgary airport while awaiting a flight to London, and when the plane boarded it was 3-1. When the plane landed in London, the Habs had already blown their 2 FREAKING goal lead and lost both the game and the series to the Phucking Phlyers. Phuck I hate Martin Biron. Go Pens.

So instead of watching the Stanley Cup Finals in Montreal (with said LG77's tickets) I'll be watching a Premiership match this Sunday between Chelsea and Bolton that will essentially decide the league winner - even though the race is between Chelsea and Man U, so it's not really a championship game 'cause football/soccer is apparently weirdly non-confrontational. Except in the stands where hooligans try to tear each others eyes out. Coincidently, kinda like Philly fans.

So anyway, enjoy this Chelsea babe as my peace offering.

We Love Flyers Fans

Big thanks to FHF friend Wufpirate of Carolina on Ice who just pointed us to this awesome online photo gallery of Hot Flyer Fans. The Habs Girls group on Facebook needs to pick up the pace.

Yeah, yeah, I know there was a game last night and we'll get to it eventually. But hot chicks!