Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween Habs vs Leafs on HNIC Game Preview and Open Thread

Ah the Bi-Polar nature of Halloween: girls in sexy costumes and cool terrifying masks like The Traitor - more Douc$harek apparel available soon on Ebay from GG11.

It's almost game time, and my stomach is sore. I'm not sure if it's from eating the Halloween candy we're supposed to be giving away - for free! - to neighbourhood brats or from laughing so hard at "Jaro's" game review. Without any hyperbole whatsoever, that was the funniest thing I've ever read on the Internet. Bravo.

My stomach may also be sore from bubbling over in acidic anticipation of The Return of Michael Komisarek. Formerly My Boy Komo finally comes back to play where he was drafted and developed yadda yadda yadda now he's Douc$harek and we all hate him:

Let's hit the Hallowe'en bullet point preview:
  • If you're not reading this on your ifone/crackberry, you're likely watching it on your nearest tv right now
  • available on virtually all Canadian Broadcasting Corporation channels, before God and a coast to coast audience to determine which team may find some interim relief from their solidly mediocre starts.

  • Horrible Haunting Habs really suck on the road, having lost four straight.

  • But the Frighteningly Scary Leafs still suck more: only one win all season.
  • Habs win and we can all laugh and point and call Leafs' fans names cause their team only won one game all month. On the other hand, it might encourage more Leafs fans to sell their allegiance on Ebay, thereby infecting every fan base with irrational douchebag fan rah-rahism.

  • I've done no research whatsoever but I'm guessing since the Laughs finally managed to win a game in Anaheim (and rather handily at that) and then earned road points in Dallas and Buffalo means The Big Ufas of 2009, Niceroad and Penalty King Komo and thir forwards generally must be sucking slightly less lately.

  • I heard Grabby scored a shorty late in Sabreland to pickpocket a point last night.
  • He's still a smurf fucker.

  • The GiantMexicanTits experiment was a disaster, each of them finishing -2. Who knows which sap is next up in the rotation. BGL, maybe? Freakin' Stewie??

  • TurtlePleks doesn't suck - he's actually good now. Until I said that (reverse jink).
  • Or does Halloween mean the return of ZombiePleks from the (un)dead?

  • A second liner Mad Max is not. Then again, I may have been a bit casual in tagging CHips as a career AHLer. Maybe. Not sure. Same with Stewie.

  • BFW(tm) gets the start.

  • To answer your question: Big Fat Whale, Carey Price. (Come on, I know it's blatant gimmick infringement of a colleague (sorry 4) but I can't get enough of that joke. "Cari is a big fat wale". Heh.)

  • The scariest thing about it being October 31 is that February 2010 is still on long way off and so is Markov.

  • Did I mention Leafs suck? God I love saying that. Please let them finish last even if it means the Bruins get a number one pick - the B's tend to give those away like candy on Halloween anyway.

  • Both teams playing their third game in four nights, so we may see some goals. These and other actual game preview-like thoughts over at a blog.

  • Rather than leave your home to visit a gentleman's club, stay home, surf the net and look at some ladies who, while intellectual and sharp as I'm sure they are, may be there the next time you decide to go out to such a club.

  • Oh yeah, and happy Halloween, Habs fans. Let's hope the Habs show more talent and effort than Panger's pumpkin carving

(You can't see it but on the other side is a pumpkin face with a Habs tuque on. More evidence that Habs Rule: this pumpkin was entered in a Calgary office contest and won.)

Let's hears the screams and cries from all you Boils and Ghouls roaming out there this All Hallow's Eve in the comments.

Jaro speek to Talke to Jaro: Choocago 3 - Mentreal 2

Jaro: Jaro! Oh Jaro we so bad to pley when we come to city withe the wind in the air! I so heppy to have brather like you hoo understande to me and speek like me! Oh Jaro, wat we do?! We pley like litel peece of dust to get blow by big manster wind in city of wind in the air.

Jaro 2.0: Look not pale, Jaro, thy coach shall not frown.

Jaro: Wat? Jaro you crazy!

Jaro 2.0: Jaro, dear countryman, you have been an able host and have afforded me your kindness, but you shall trust that thy coach shall not frown.

Jaro: Jaro you speek in Slovak now? Dont you kno we break country meny year ago and now we have own lenguege and you can speek to me in our lenguege?

Jaro 2.0: I bid you to come to your senses, my friend.

Jaro: JARO, YOU SCARE ME! Speek to me like normal! Cam on! We pley so bad in city of wind in air and Cari lose AGEN! Agen Cari lose! He have win amnesouisa. He forget how ween! He like "helo I'm fat Cari, I borne in Britieesh Coolumbia but have no spanish accsent, and I remember everryting in world but not how ween. I dont kno how ween".

Jaro 2.0: Nay, Jaro, I will impart on thee the path to glory.

Jaro: Partonthee? Jaro is this city in Slovakia! JARO YOU TRETOR SPY FROM SLOVAKIA!!! YOU SCARE ME!!!!

Jaro 2.0: You may never be with me, Jaro, if I be afeared.

Jaro: I want cry, Jaro were are you? Helooooo, Jarooo!

Jaro 2.0: Carey, our young tender of goal was once in fact a glorious tender. He is no half a man. And if he were a half, I would be the other half, for to share in the glory of such brilliance is to be a better half. You see, Jaro, I once said, I'll have no halves. I'll bear it all myself. How foolish of me to say. While Chicago commanded us to kneel before them, he shunned their proposal and stood in bold defiance, that Carey. And it became worse and worse. 1-0. 2-0. Yet Carey would not come.

Jaro: Cari is a big fat wale and he no come to Choocago becase he no swim in the wind! And also, I don't speek Slovakian Jaroooo!

Jaro 2.0: Wrong you are, Jaro, he could swim in the wind if it were the path of his choosing. In fact, I heard a Patrick Kane ask young Carey, "Carey, you must come to me forthwith". But Carey declined.

Jaro: Jaro I so tired to leessen to this slovakia proupagandhi. Oh look at me, I so Jaro, I write poems, I have hats with fethers and dvd of balley. Fak you Jaro! You no brather to me. You no even check repoublican! You samboady else! I tell bab ganey to get my brather Jaro away from Bafala becase pooor Jaro alone in Bafala and get fat with chiken weengs. Help my brather came to Mentreal were he can be to bed with meny Mentreal woemen like me Jaro. But no! You Jaro kiss the ass of wale and speeek impassible slouvakian speek!

Jaro 2.0:
The horn on your head reveals the mule in you. Roundly replied, young Jaro, roundly replied, but bare in substance. Your team played a better game than you bring them credit for. You measure your team's sorrows by your blind hatred, and yet now, fair befall thee good Jaro and you have been given your chance and this has become your team. Yet you still spit blood on the fouler fortunes of your mate Carey.

Jaro: there is two words in balley Jaro. Balls and gay.

Jaro 2.0:
Nay, it is intolerable to hear such words. Not to be endured.

De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to sey to you, Jaro! I never been so scare of slovakian since my mam show me slouvakian dracula vampire movie in slouvakian. Wow, good Jaro! You make slouvalikan vampire on halloouweeen! Good Jaro! I pley against Taranto tonight and coch Martoon will love me Jaro and Cari will never pley to the net agen. NEVER AGEN!

Jaro 2.0: Jaro, you will, one day, understand the proper way, and in time you will smell less and less of dirty cabbage, but for now, I will live in regret of my decision to share a room with you on the road, and should this kinship be mended, very well mended then I will lose the regret conceived by me. But anger hits me now. Carey is a soldier. I can thee for the perils he stands in the way of, for the sake of his team. His bravery is magnificent. 'Tis ten to one now, Jaro, it'd maim you outright. Away now, Jaro, away. I've been shot to the heart, and you're to blame, you give Jaro a bad name.

Friday, October 30, 2009

It's a Taxi ride in Chi-town - Blackhawks Game Preview and Open Thread

OK, time to regroup. Deep breath everyone. If we lose tonight, then we can go fucking apeshit.

Waiting in the airport cab line details - 8:30 PM ET start at the United Center. Both teams coming off losses, the Hawks to the Predators last night in a game where by all accounts they were terrible. This is the only meeting of the year between these two teams. Habs have lost 4 straight on the road.

Pay your fare to - Second City Hockey is the best place for all your Hawks info.

The Elaine Nardo memorial hotties - Squid has 5 points in his last 3 games, but really, only TurtlePlek belongs in this space. Remember last year when he was constantly in the skanky space? What the hell happened?

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?" - yes, Gui! and Tits, I am talking to you. And I'm gonna start talking to Mad Max too, who seems to be more and more invisible every game. And every player who had a giveaway in the Pens game. So like, half the team.

Worth way more than 20 cents - The Christo-wall, after some shakiness early this season, is 2-1-0, 0.67, .973 in his last 3 games. Kaner leads the team with 10 points.

The Louie DePalma memorial uglies - while Patrick Sharp is tied with Kane for the team lead in points, he's pointless in his last four.

Who's driving - From yesterday's practice, the Giant Mexican Tits line has been reunited! And it feels so good. Pleks has Squid and Mad Max on his wings. TFS returns to the starting spot to try and S the F. For Chicago, Toews is day to day with a concussion.

Reverend Jim words of wisdom - "The ability to witness two men stand toe to toe in the spirit of sportsmanship and pummel each other into insensibility is what separates us from the animals." Oh BGL, will we ever see you again?

Post-game adult entertainment - more Giant Mexican Tits, in video form.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote (lap dance to the Jamboroo) - "Now let's enjoy the Miami of Canada — Chicago!"

The Game Day Skate is all Sexy Friday'd up

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Alessandra Ambrosio in a bikini...
Still not enough sexy for you? Check out the top 25 sexy Habs fans. It's all sexy until we lose to the Hawks tonight.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Cup Champs Continue Hot Start

Discussion in FHF headquarters late last night:

HF29: Listen, HF4 and I were at ball hockey and missed the whole thing. Who saw it?

HF10: Mini-HF10 2.0 has the croup. I spent most of the night trying to get him to sleep. Oh, and since the free NHL Centre Ice preview is over and I don't have RDS, I couldn't have watched anyway. Panger?

Panger: You volunteered to do it earlier this week, so I didn't watch with my usual analytical goalie awareness. And I have depositions all day so I can't write anything now (random spelling mistake).

HF4: I'm busy. What are we going to do?

HF29: Okay, okay calm down. We'll just post a classic FHF ... no one is gonna know the difference.

Cup Champs Teach Pens a Lesson; Canadiens 6 Pens 1

With the World Series over and the Yankees returned to baseball's summit, the NHL season is starting to pick up steam, with the defending Cup champs already off to a roaring start. And why not? After all, they feature the most marketable and arguably best player in the league (some would plump for another, but they'd be wrong), a bevy of other high-scoring, MVP and Art Ross worthy talents, an all-world goalie and a third line shutdown player who is the envy of every other team in the league. Frankly, with the champs rolling like this, it wasn't going to be a good night for a rebuilt squad starting their back-up on the road.

Fresh off a four game winning streak that featured a come-from-behind win against the Goal-a-Game line Rangers and two wins over the Islanders and their hot-shot rookie goalscorer (mark my words, that Bossy kid can score although his skating needs work ... if the Isles keep that young core together and get a veteran final piece, I see them contending for Cups in the next 3-5 years), the Canadiens rolled home to face a Penguins squad that is in transition; Pittsburgh has made some wholesale changes over the summer, and while their offensive talent looks promising and their goaltending has potential, their defence lacks an all-star presence and might be an Achilles heel.

The Canadiens are not without their own minor troubles, as a manufactured goalie controversy looks to rear its head yet again. Look, we understand that people love Bunny Larocque, and yes, his numbers look superior to Dryden right now. Bunny is an ideal back-up who can win games and even get on a hot streak and carry the team when needed. But Dryden is a big, rangy, calm and cool goalie and the future of this franchise. Now that he has that silly law career notion out of his head, expect him to be manning the nets for Montreal for at least another decade. Bunny is a good little goalie, but his upside doesn't come close to matching Dryden.

Tonight the goalie issue was a moot point, as the defending champs got a hat-trick from Lafleur and one each from Cournoyer, Mondou and defenceman Bill Nyrop. Dryden stopped 17 Pens shots and was only beaten by Pittsburgh second-liner Jean Pronovost on a rare 5 on 3 man advantage. Based on their play tonight, the defending champs are still the ones to beat, with two Art Ross candidates in Lafleur and frequent linemate Lemaire, another potential big-time scorer riding shotgun on the wing in Shutt, wily veteran Cournoyer, and talented defenders like Robinson, Savard and Lapointe in front of Dryden. They will battle the Bruins and Flyers (and possibly the fast starting Sabres) for class of the Prince of Wales conference again.

As for the Penguins, a new coach and a big turnover in the dressing room won't immediately make fans forget a decade of playoff near misses and disappointments. No one really knows what to expect from this team, and they may need a third of the season to figure it out. Based on last night, they are clearly not up to the level of the defending champs, but few teams are. However, they are battling every night and fans seem to be warming up to them.

Next up for the Canadiens is a date with former Habs goalie Tony Esposito and the Blackhawks on Friday, followed by a meeting with the Leafs on Halloween night. No doubt the bombastic loudmouth at the head of the Leafs organization will have something to say (as usual).

The Morning Skate for Thursday, October 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of dominating the Yankees...
  • Oy. Well, you can look at that game two ways. A learning experience, or evidence of the fact we are not a top team. Or even a good team. Sid scores 3, Jaro is pulled and Pleks continues to be our most consistent player (!!!) in a 6-1 loss. More later today;
  • Even Toronto managed to get a point last night;
  • Sabres continue to roll;
  • Ottawa too;
  • No seriously, raise your hand if you thought Ottawa and Buffalo would be the class of the Northeast division.
Happy 40th birthday, internet! Had you never been created, we may have had a life. But then again, porn!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Let's see what this team is really made of - Pens game preview and open thread

OK, no more dicking around. Here's our measuring stick. Do we have the balls to play with the best? Or are we gonna get the shaft from a real team? Suck it up boys, we need to play hard. Let's whip out this preview.

Waiting in line details - 730 PM at the Mellonhead Arena. Habs riding a four-game win streak. Pens actually coming off a loss, only their second of the season. The teams split four last year, and in fact have split their last 12 games overall.

Pay your cover charge to - I don't think I need to tell you about the Pensblog. I feel I do need to tell you about the ridiculous number of ads that seem to be on there now. I implore you not to click on any of them.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Squid is on a point streak, Métro rocks our world, Pleks is ALIVE, Jaro is holding the fort, and the Urologist likes the opening paragraph of this preview.

Skanky Habs to watch - Let's see if Gui! and Tits' efforts last game can actually lead to some points tonight. Speaking of Tits, good piece from All Habs about how Tits may be victim of a double standard and /or racism.

Hot sexy Pens to watch - where to start? Sid 6 points in his last 4, Malkin 11 points in his last 8. Alex Goligoski taking over taking over scoring from the blueline for the now-injured Gonchar. Pens' 3rd line of Cooke, Staal, and Kennedy are racking up points. MAF is 8-1, 2.19 and .917. His backup has a sub-2 GAA and .925. Yegads. That enough for everyone?

Skanky Pens to watch - this space left intentionally blank.

On the main stage - I got nothing as of this writing. Will update later if I feel like it.

In the VIP room - This game is making me nervous. This could be the game where it's proven that this team has some real holes. I hope it's not the case, but I can't help but feel the trepidation. /dick joke.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - Blush Exotic looks nice. They want you to know they are open all day and night on Thanksgiving, for all you losers.

Nervous? Excited? Got a good dick joke? Let's hear it in the comments.

The Game Day Skate for Wednesday, October 28th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of tennis stars on meth...
Huge game tonight. World Series Game 1. Oh yeah, I guess a visit to some Kid.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Behold the power of Czech Sausage - Habs 3 Isles 2 (OT, again)

Mmmmm, sausage. In his post-game interviews, Hamr called the beautiful saucer pass that Pleks delivered to him for the OT winner a "Czech Sausage." I have no idea whether or not the Czechs even make a decent sausage, and I am vaguely disturbed by the sexual euphemism of the whole thing, but fuck with a pass like that, you could call it a pile of piss and I'd still lick it up.

Plan the parade - as I wrote in TMS, it was the unsung heroes that came through. Giant Mexican Squid was pretty quiet, but some other guys came to play. That's a good sign. MOEmaN came on strong, working hard in front of the net for his goal. Jaro 2.0 had a real solid game after a bad one Saturday, getting his first goal as a Hab. Métro was supposedly not even starting, and he came through with 2 assists and another game where we wondered where the hell this guy's been all these years. Pleks continues to be completely un-zombified, and his work on the OT winner was a sight to behold, working around 2 D to deliver the perfect Czech Sausage. The D played pretty well as a unit, even Gill and The Urologist looked semi-decent in the defensive zone. I didn't notice any suckitude on their parts. Gorges had his usual quiet, efficient game. Mara and Jaro 2.0 are really putting in big minutes with the loss of Markov and Rhino. Remember them?

And it's time for Jaro to get his own paragraph. Through the four game win streak, he has really kept us in it. Made the key saves when he had to. Looks comfortable back there, confident. TFS may be the future of the team, but for right now, Jaro is the present. Though I fully expect Cari gets a start at some point this week with 3 games in 4 nights, if he sucks in that start, things could get ugly. Especially in the media, and the blogs. Those bloggers can be ruthless assholes.

And even though they didn't score, I think both Gui! and even Big Tits to some extent had decent games. They seemed to be working hard. As I have mentioned several times, that's all you can ask for. Add an ever-increasingly confident CHips to the mix, and the lower lines were making things happen.

The sky is falling - after the dominance of Saturday, GMS was strangely quiet. They didn't seem to have the same click they had Saturday. It's bound to happen some games, we just need to make sure the rest of the guys can back them up.

Can no one fucking count to 6 on this team? Two too many men on the ice penalties is a disgrace for a coach who is supposed to be great behind the bench. We took some other stupid penalties too. Not that the refs were great, but you can't blame them.

And let's face it, we needed OT to beat a team that's near the bottom of the East. That shit ain't gonna cut it for our next two games.

Chez Parée bound? The VIP room is full of Czechs. A bunch of other guys are lounging around the stage, but no one is really staying late and getting complimentary blowjobs.

Next evil evil foe - A real fucking test, tomorrow night in Pensburgh.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, October 27

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of owning an iPhone...
  • Ok, we'll take it. Call it the night of the unsung hero - Travis Moen, Jaro 2.0, a flu-ridden Métro, and Hamr with the winner in OT. Though goddamn if Pleky didn't do it all on the winner. More later today;
  • Leafs finally win, thanks to a million PP's. At least they won't get their first against us on Saturday;
  • Marian Gaborik's groin now leads the league in goals after the Rangers' 5-2 win. Oh btw, he left that game early not to return;
  • Yotes agree to be sold to the NHL. Well, pending court approval. But we're guessing that will be rubber stamp-ish. Though in this case, who the fuck knows anymore;
  • Kovy (Thrash version) is out 3-5 weeks with a broken foot;
  • BR pens a love letter to The Urologist. Rather, une lettre d'amour.
OK one down this week, three to go.

Monday, October 26, 2009

It's deja vu all over again - Isles Game Preview and Open Thread (with more Jack Todd and some Intellectual Property Law thrown in as a bonus)

I'm pretty sure I wrote this preview last Thursday.

Waiting in line details -7.5 hours after noon at the Centre of Bell. Habs riding the 3-game winning streak, looking to close out the homestand at 4-2. That'd be nice. Isles coming off a 3-2 OT loss to the Caps Saturday night where by all accounts they played pretty well, only to blow it after 60 minutes like they always do (2 OT and 2 SO losses so far).

Pay your cover charge to - Lighthouse Hockey is certainly your main source for all things Isles, but check out A View from Section 317 for uh, another view.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Giant. Mexican. Squid. (© FHF) With a little lemon and maybe some garlic sauce on the side. TurtlePleks (© FHF) continues to be solid without any wingers. The Urologist (© FHF) on the PP.

Skanky Habs to watch - Big Tits (© FHF) continues to befuddle. Would he be happier with Little Tits (© FHF) here? Maybe. Also, Gui! (© FHF) pointless in 7 games, but he played hard, especially in the 3rd period, in the Rangers game. The Urologist (© FHF) in the defensive zone.

Hot sexy Isles to watch - D Andy Sutton has a 3-game point streak, but the Isles are not scoring a lot generally.

Skanky Isles to watch - Okposo pointless in 3, Swiss Mister I (© FHF) pointless in 5.

On the main stage - RDS reports that the morning skate had Gui! as a winger on the 2nd line with Pleks and Dagger (© FHF), with Big Tits getting demoted to the fourth line with CHips (© FHF) and Stewie. Mad Max (© FHF) is back to centering the 3rd line between Patches and MOEmaN (© FHF). Métro is out because of the flu, BGL is injured after not playing in several games, and Jaro will get another start.

"That's why you're the judge and I'm the law... talking... guy" - lap dance to Manny B. for pointing us to Jack Todd's MMQB this morning. First off, kudos to Todd for admitting he may have been wrong. Not that he had much choice, given how we ripped him, and so did others (not that we believe anything bloggers do have any influence on him). But then we read this further down:

"We know Andrei Kostitsyn likes to be called AK-46, although most nights he plays more like a popgun. But we found nicknames at that suit the Brothers Kostitsyn far better: Big Tits and Little Tits."

GAH! Urge to kill... rising! And thus the © FHF you may or may not have noticed throughout this preview. Goddamn it, I don't even know who I'm mad at. No doubt I'm mad at for taking credit for our nicknames. No doubt I'm mad at Todd for not recognizing where those names come from. Or Todd for purposely ignoring the source of those names (not that I have any proof of that). Face it, I'm just mad.

Copyright violation, trademark violation, exemplary damages. We're preparing the lawsuits as we speak.

Post-game adult entertainment - we're angry, not horny. We need to punch something. Oooh, how about some foxy boxing?

Please list all of your copyrighted materials in the comments, lest anyone steal them. Furthermore, the FHF acknowledges the contribution of our commentors in developing the great nicknames we use. Your share of the lawsuit winnings will get put into the "strippers 'n meth" fund, to be used by all of us collectively.

The Game Day Skate is feeling green

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of the Yankees in the World Series...
  • The affront to your senses above will be worn by our juniors this year at the Regina / Saskatoon World Juniors. It's a tribute to the Roughriders or some such thing. Because, you know, CFL football has everything to do with hockey;
  • Luongo becomes the Canucks career shutout leader with a 2-0 win over the Oil;
  • Sharks take care of the Flyers;
  • Speaking of the Flyers, Mike Richards escapes punishment for his Saturday night hit on David Booth.
OK, big week ahead with 4 games in 6 nights, starting with the Isles tonight.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Suck it, Jack Todd. Habs 5, NYR 4 (Oh!-Fucking-T)

Some 0f you may have followed the Jack Todd link Boob gave us in the comments yesterday. Some of you may not have. We wouldn't blame you, because Jack Todd bites a big bag of dicks. For the second time in a week, he threw Bob Gainey under the bus. Look, I'm not saying we don't throw people under the bus around here all the time. We make our blogging living (such as it is) telling people (Hall Gill) how much they suck. But it's always deserved. Todd seems to have it in for Bob for whatever reason. Not even ten games in, he was calling the new team a miserable failure. We like to think that last night's game was a big Fuck You to Jack Todd.

For this is a team we can like. Despite our "in Bob we trust" mantra, we didn't know if Bob knew what he was doing this off-season. How could you? Replacing half the team was unprecedented. But we're not afraid to admit it now - we're starting to like this team. You know what it is? It's work. It's battling hard. Moving your feet at both ends of the ice, for 60 minutes. This team seems to be doing that now. How many times last year did the Habs take at least a period off? I'll tell you - 82. You don't get the feeling this team will do that. I don't know if that's JM, the new guys, or some unholy combination of the two. But it's making me happy.

Let's start with the 8 points of the Giant Mexican Squid last night (Suck it, Todd) and Squid's hat trick. Or let's start with Brian Gionta (Suck it, Todd), who in the best Saku tradition, never takes a shift off. Or let's start with a kick-ass working-hard fourth line of CHips-Gui!-Dagger (Suck it, Todd). Or the rejuvenated Pleks (Suck it, Todd). Or the plucked-from-the-scrap-heap Urologist firing bullets from the point on the PP (Suck it, Todd). Maybe Todd would prefer to have Higgins back, he of the penalty that led to our 3rd goal and he of the being benched in the third period.

Look, the game was far from perfect. The Urologist should not be allowed to play defence, ever. There were times in the first period we looked totally lost. Jaro 2.0 had a pretty crappy game. Big Tits continues to be dead. But that's nitpicking. This team kept coming to work, down 3-1, down 4-2.

Work v. [wurk] 1. giving that little extra effort in getting to the loose puck, or the open space; 2. giving that extra effort digging in the corner; 3. the MexiCAN going 1-0n-3 and continuing to the net to try to get a rebound; 4. Gionta getting a beautiful assist while being down on the ice; 5. forwards falling down low in the defensive zone to support the D; 6. all we ever wanted from a hockey team.

Work - something Jack Todd can't seem to appreciate. Suck it, Todd. We like this team.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Habs v Rangers Preview


Waiting in line details - after reeling off 7 in a row, the suddenly not-so-hot Rangers roll into the House that Ronald Corey Built tonight at 7pm. Blueshirts coming off a rare loss to those 'jerks in Jersey', as Ranger Fan would probably say; Habs coming off an easy win against the Islandgirls. Game will be broadcast in haute definition on RDS and CBC (in Quebec only). First game against their former team for Gomez, Mara and Chris Higgins.

Pay your cover charge to - Check out Ranger Punit. You must respect a guy who first attended a game in Hitler's lifetime.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - things are going so well (jinx) that we need bullet points to survey the hot sexyness:

  • Martin line juggling finally clicked, and the Canadiens may have found not only 2, but three lines that can score.

  • Mad Max looked good on TurtlePleks' wing, providing some size on the top two lines. Finally.

  • Who knew Metro would turn out to be such a key player. He and Max Pac seem to have some chemistry.

  • Lil'Bergy seemed much more comfortable, especially running the PP.

  • Jaro, as we know, rules. Except playing the puck. Get in your net and stay their, wanderer.

Skanky Habs to watch - Was Gui! demoted to Hamilton and nobody told me? My Boy Carey is wearing a ball cap again tonight.

Hot sexy Rangers to watch - Marian Gaborik's groin has 7 goals, and linemate Vaclav Prospal has 9 assists. 19-year old rookie Micheal Del Zotto (yay! another Wop NHLer!) looks like the second coming of Brian Leech.

Skanky Rangers to watch - Christopher Higgins, welcome back to your accustomed spot in the skanky part of our preview! No goals and a pair of assists all season, and a big fat zero in the last 8 games. Nice to see he's the same player in Red White and Blue as he was in Blue Blanc Rouge. (Of course now he'll pull a Leclair tonight.) King Henry, as usual, has been a key to the Rangers success, but he's given up 4 and a half goals a game over the past 4 in Montreal.

On the main stage - now and presumably until he loses: Jaroslav Halak. And while Carey is still My Boy, this is absolutely how it should be. TFS(tm) will get his chance. Otherwise, JM goes with the same lineup. And why not? Rangers are healthy - well, not counting their mental health on (Avery) and behind (Torts) the bench. (Have I yet mentioned how much I hate Torts and his scape-goalieing ways? Not yet? Consider it done: he's an asshole.)

In the VIP Room - can it be? Dare we dream? Is it possible the Habs may not suck as bad as we first thought? Is it time to admit that maybe the Bob Gainey/Jacques Martin era is not yet a complete and utter disaster?

We'll see. Habs beat a couple of weak teams this week, and while the Rangers may be coming off a couple of losses they should serve as the first big challenge since the west coast swing.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - unfortunately it doesn't seem to have it's own website, but here's a review of my personal favorite, Cabaret Les Amazones.

Someone let me know whether Picasso's has reopened yet. I miss 3am pizza after the Zones.

Friday, October 23, 2009

A Chicken Bloodbath; Habs 5 - Isles 1

This chicken looks like Saddam Hussein just after he was executed

It was never in doubt. 26-9, a shots tally favoring the Habs with over half a game left to play.

Jaro was good. Lots of guys scored. In short, the story of the game in numbers would be told this way:
  • 5 goals for
  • 1 goal against
  • 43 shots for
  • 22 shots against
  • 21 273 sellout crowd
  • 8 free wings offered to each fan by La Cage aux Sports for the 5-goal tally
  • 170 184 total chicken wings offered
  • 85 092 chickens murdered to supply sufficient quantity of wings
The only consolation is that Jacques Martin gave us the line combination we have been waiting for. It came on the power play, with Mike Cammalleri joining forces with the second unit, and Andrei Kostitsyn completing a line with Brian Gionta and Scott Gomez. And just like that, the new line was born:

The Giant Mexican Tits line.

Ay caramba.

The Morning Skate for Friday, October 23rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of January Jones' cleavage...
  • Well, we admit it was just the Isles, but we're gonna enjoy it while we can. A very impressive 5-1 win where all four lines seemed to generate offence, the defence looked decent, and we can even laugh at Jaro's gaffe that led to the Isles' only goal. The only bad news is that now we officially have a goalie controversy. More later today;
  • Crazy final minute in Ottawa as the Preds go ahead, then the Sens tie it (shorthanded no less) with less than 2 seconds left only to lose 6-5 in OT;
  • Kovy wins Kovy vs. Ovie, but the Caps take the game 5-4;
  • Devils beat the Rangers in the Batlle of the New York Metropolitan Area;
  • Flyers take care of the Bruins in a SO. Habs have as many wins as the Bs now. Suck on that, preseason predictors;
  • Yotes continue to roll (BWAHAHAHAHA. No, we're serious), with an OT win over the Wings no less;
  • BR finally checks in on the Frog book.
Mmm, long-form video highlights.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Gather 'round kids, it's an Isles game preview and open thread

Oh hello. I thought we could have a nice little chat about tonight's tilt against the Islanders. We've got a 7:00 start in Montreal, and it's on TSN for all your McSplooging needs. Both teams are coming off wins that ended losing streaks. Both teams still looking for an identity. Lighthouse Hockey is the place to go to see if the Isles have an identity besides league doormat and Wang jokes.

Oh Habs, who loves ya baby. Well, if we could score goals we'd love you more. Gionta seems to be the only one doing it on a semi-regular basis, and Squid and Pleks continue to lead the overall scoring. The whole Giant Mexican Squid looked decent against the Thrash. Has anyone seen Gui! lately? No, me neither. ZomGui! in the house. Hal Gill has zero points and is -5. Someone's boy CHips has zero points and is -6. Ugh.

For the Isles, John Tavares returns to the scene of his drafting. He's off to a fine start with 3G 4A. The Isles' leading scorer is actually some dude named Matt Moulson. With a last name like that, shouldn't he be playing for us? Okposo is doing well too. The Isles goalies without DiPietro (i.e. Roloson and Biron) are struggling.

We've got some lineup changes! Métro looks ready to go. He practiced yesterday with Gui! and Dagger. Where was Mad Max? On the second line trying to get some more offence going from the wingers there. You know who would make a good winger on that line? This guy on the left:

Here I am, goin' to Hamilton, my leg hurts, my butt hurts, my chest hurts, my face hurts, and like that ain't enough, I gotta pee all over myself.

We still don't have much to say about this team. Still feeling it out. As HF4 said yesterday in the game review,"Not really convinced I had a good time, but I'm staying polite enough to not appear as if I'm on the fence, which I totally am."

For your post-game adult entertainment, go have sex with your spouse or significant other. He or she misses you. Then tell the rest of us about it in the comments.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, October 22nd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of going to the World Series...
  • So yesterday Little Tits ran away from Hamilton. Good story, GG11 makes us a killer PhotoShop to use this morning. Of course, then Sergei decides to go back to Hamilton after meeting Bob late yesterday. Bob's a good talker;
  • Nucks take the Hawks;
  • Isles win their first, leaving the Leafs as the last team not to win a game;
  • The Savard- and Lucic-free Bruins manage to win thanks to goals by Bégin and Ryder. Wait, what?
Isles tonight. Feel the excitement.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Wanna do this again? Goal Posts 46 - Habs 2 - Thrashers 1 (S.O.)

Learning from the master

We didn't witness the worst start in 68 years, the new Thrashers looked like the old Thrashers, and the Habs blocked 26 shots.

Was it 60 minutes of great hockey as jacques Martin put it? Nope, but it's as good an effort as the team has turned in this season.

It was, take a deep breath, Jacques Martin hockey, and if we had a few more guys who had a nose for the net, it would have looked better because the guys came up with a bunch of chances.

But this is how I am contemplating my feelings about this game. If this game were compared to a first date, would I want to see this date again?

Yes, probably.

Am I swept off my feet, heart racing?


Did I just have a night of insane monkey sex, and have I booked a bikram yoga class to get the feeling back in my legs ?

No I haven't.

But am I curious enough to go on a second date? Yes, yes I am.

So all in all, if last night's game were a first date, and I had to contact the date again for a second date, this is how I would do it. I would not call, cause that's way too forward for an average date. I mean, come on, how long are you going to bore me with your master's degree problems? No, you get an email, no more.

So this would be it:

"Hi Thrasher beating team,

Last night was fun. Hope you had a good time. I can't believe how rude that waiter was! Seriously, some people! Did you speak to your colleague this morning about those research methods? It's pretty innovative stuff.

Anyways, it would be nice to see you again some time next week. This week is so busy with work. We could touch base again on Monday or Tuesday. I may be away this weekend so if you call the cell and I don't pick up, just leave a message and I'll get in touch with you at some point.

I've got early meetings next week so I've got to get back to work. Gotta run!



See? No real excitement, prospective morning plans that seal off late night possibilities if she shows up with funky hair or if the master's talk bores me to shreds. Not really convinced I had a good time, but I'm staying polite enough to not appear as if I'm on the fence, which I totally am.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, October 21st

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being welcomed into the Catholic Church...
Long-form video highlights? Is that something you might be interested in? Relive all the glory of McSplooge.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Wait, Atlanta's good now? Fuck me. Thrashers game preview and open thread

You'll imagine my shock when I started writing this preview and discovered that the Thrash is 4-1 to start the season. You can imagine my non-shock to see the Habs are 2-5. On with the recriminations...

Waiting in line details - 7:30 post meridium at the House of Suck I, and it's on TSN. Habs on a five-game losing streak. If they lose tonight, it will be their worst start in 68 years. Woohoo! There's something to get excited about!

Pay your cover charge to - Check out The Blueland Chronicle. Currently features photos of Bob and Doug Mackenzie, light-sabre fighting squirrels, and a moose fucking a miniature statue of a buffalo. My kind of humour.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - credit where credit is due; this year, the former ZombiePleks is your leading point getter and seems to come to play every night. Squid finally got off the schneid Saturday night with his first tally.

Skanky Habs to watch - Anyone on the 3rd or 4th line, most of the defense corps, and the goalies. Anyone else?

Hot sexy Thrashers to watch - Kovy has 7 goals, 2nd in the league after Ovie. Rich Peverly has 7 points, and Atlanta goalies are playing well (especially Ondrej Pavelec), even with main man Kari Lehtonen out with a hip injury. Evander Kane is the Thrashers' star 18 year-old. Thrashers PP best in the league at an astonishing 37.5%.

Skanky Thrashers to watch - no one really. Like I said, they're 4-1.

On the main stage - welcome the next D stopgap measure, Marc-André Bergeron, paired with Mara and working the point on the PP. Metro practiced this week but still isn't ready to go. No other lineup notes as of this writing.

In the VIP Room - and it's finally time to let the expletives fly! Fucking fuck this goddamn fucking piece of shit cocksucking team is sucking a big bag of dicks.

OK that felt good. But truly, my heart isn't in it. The reason that's so is 'cause we really haven't played that badly over the last couple of games. We've outshot our opponents, and haven't looked that terrible except for the final scores. TFS hasn't come up big since games 1 and 2, so I suppose I could complain about that. And Hal Gillis can be a disgrace. But even though Jack Todd says that this whole "blowing up the team" thing is a miserable failure, I'm nowhere near the "fire Bob" camp. Yet.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - Kamasutra inspires our graphic today. It was the site of HF4's bachelor party and the subsequent immortal lesson, "if you take two girls to the VIP Room with you for a lesbian show, get a firm price in advance."

Let the expletives fly in the comments

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, October 20th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning in 11...
  • Today's "NHL discriminates against Québecois" story, about the Bob Sirois book moeman mentioned in the comments yesterday that is being launched today and is pictured above;
  • Surprisingly, BR isn't writing about that, he's writing about the Flower going to Quebec City;
  • The Bulin Wall leads the Oil to a win over the Nucks;
  • San Jose piles up 7 goals against the Rangers.
Thrashers tonight. Another Kovy comes a-callin'.

Monday, October 19, 2009


How can we let this man go after all he's done for these people?!

Look at what he's done!!!! He's done a ton of things for people. All these things, they're all great.

And it doesn't matter that I don't understand a single thing he's done in this video.

But I'm pretty sure at some point he told the journalist that Carbo was a dickface.

The Morning Skate for Monday, October 19th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of scoring 59 points...
  • Welcome M-A Bergeron! Called up while the Belle of the Ball goes down. Ah Shawn, we hardly knew ye;
  • Is there like a new thing where the NHL doesn't play on Sundays to avoid the NFL?
  • In lieu of any games to report, let's look at a story about Sheldon Souray's hottie ex-wife showing her tits live on stage. This story warrants further investigation.
This is the week the Habs turn it around, right?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

League CHamps! Impact 3, Whitecaps 1 (6-3 agg.)

A stirring win by the home side yesterday! The Impact have taken the USL First Division title for the third time in the club's history, thanks to a 3-1 win over the defending champs Vancouver at Saputo stadium giving them a 6-3 aggregate two-game series win. The victory was especially sweet in a season filled with controversy and bad play where the Impact could have fallen apart at any minute. But the team held together through the adversity and played best when it counted.

The Impact exploded for their 3 goals late in the first half, on strikes by Tony "Tits" Donatelli (penalty in the 30th minute), Joey "Joojoo Shabadoo" Gjertsen (40th) and Roberto "Club Downtown" Brown (42nd). The Impact cruised from there, defending the big lead with skill and determination, a task made easier by the red card on Whitecap defender Shaun Pejic.

Impact veteran and captain Mauro "Bella" Biello, perhaps playing his last game in an Impact uni as he contemplates retirement, was thrilled with the victory, saying that "at this point in my career to be able to lift that championship cup again was unbelievable." He added that "we are going to fucking party all night. W00t! You would not believe the quality hookers 'n blow that Joey Saputo can lay his hands on. Man that dude's connected."

Oh yeah, Habs lose, Kovy has glorious return to Montreal, yada yada. You didn't think I was going to waste my time reviewing that crap did you?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Habs Lose to Sens - Oh Wait, This is A Preview: Habs about to lose to Sens

Which No. 27 would you pick? Yeah, me too.*

Waiting in line details - 7pm start at the new Forum. RDS and CBC in Quebec and the Ottawa area. (Which means HF10 is stuck watching Leafs and Rangers. Haha. Oh wait, me too. Fuck.) Sens 4-2 record mirrors Montreal's 2-4 debacle. Habs coming off another loss - this one at home just to shake things up - while the Sens enjoyed the trip to Montreal after destroying the Lightning 7-1. So they're due for a letdown, right? Right?

Pay your cover charge to - As always, we heart Five for Smiting. We enjoy a sexy party with Senators Lost Cojones any day. Perhaps tonight in the VIP room...

Hot sexy Habs to watch - TurtlePlek is the Habs' leading scorer. Big Tits has 3 points in three games and has looked Kovalev-ish at times (AT TIMES, people - I'm not saying he's L'Artiste or anything). Hottest thing about the Habs is definitely Carey Price's new mask. Most bad-ass Habs goalie mask ever - and a far cry from the pussy-looking ghosts on Huet's mask of a few years ago.

Skanky Habs to watch - As HF29 said last time: Everyone else? Anyone notice that Squid doesn't have a goal yet? Just asking.

Hot sexy Sens to watch - Milan Michalek made Sens fans forget Dany Heatley (ok, maybe they still hate him a little) with a hat trick. We should also mention former Habs pick and cast off Matt Carkner is apparently rocking the back end for Ottawa.

But most importantly, this is Alexei Kovalev's much-hyped return to Montreal after a 4-year run with the Canadiens. It's been beat to death everywhere else, so we'll just say we're not looking forward to his hat trick tonight - each goal via his signature top corner shot from the right faceoff circle. Damn, I used to love that play. That or he'll be invisible after the crowd's warm reception. Whatever, we're still a little sad to see him in a Sens uniform.

Skanky Sens to watch - They're coming off a 7-1 win, so not a whole lot. Chris Campoli has no points yet, which, for a supposedly offensive defenceman, probably isn't very good. I wonder when he'll blame Coach Clousten and ask for a trade to Anaheim?

Not Appearing on the main stage tonight - No lineup changes annonced for the Habs yet (TFS (tm) starts in goal again) which means Max Pac's injury isn't bad enough to keep him out of the lineup. Shawn Belle goes again after a pretty solid outing against the Avs. Sens are pretty healthy, with only Filip Kuba definitely out tonight.

In the VIP Room - Habs suck right now. Let's not sugar coat this. Yeah, they got some bad bounces against the Avs, but they didn't bury their chances when they had the opportunity and let the Avs back into the game. Not blaming My Boy Carey, but it'd be nice if he could steal one tonight, if need be. Sens, meanwhile, are in for a letdown after such a big win. Right? Right? (I figure repeating it enough will make it true.)

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - We're picking Cafe Cleopatra for this one (NSFW, duh). Win, and the boys get a pervert's row view from the ground floor. Lose, and it's up to the 2nd floor for all of them. SLC is picking up our bar tab either way - cause he stole our Kovy.

*As always, photoshopping courtesy of GG11. Please note the Linesbabe. Thank you GG11, I can now hope Linesbabe shows up to ref one of my rec hockey games. So what if I end up giving up 15 goals - as long as I get to ogle her. Let's hear your dirty thought in the comments.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Hockey Night in the E.R. - Avs 3 - What's Left of the Habs 2

Max Pacioretty was not at practice today, and was presumably injured in last night's home opener.

Injury upon injury. They're mounting and have already decimated the team, the hardest blow having almost eradicated the Habs' chances of making the playoffs and dealt during the first game.

So many injuries, it's like the team could be staring in a real weird version of General Hospital.

Something like this:

Casey told Josh Fernando had not called to request the ransom since her baby was kidnapped. Fernando told Andrei that he would meet him down by the pier to discuss what had happened in the cave in Guatemala. Ian made it clear the fans needed to welcome the team loudly and devised a good marketing ploy to have every player introduce himself in French. Roman was seen having dinner with Sebastian while Angela looked on in dismay, confirming her fears that Carlene had told them about their family secret in the Andes. Andrei received a phone call from Carlene who told him about Sebastian's meeting with Roman, which left him so stunned that he forgot to say "Je suis" before introducing himself to the crowd.

Matthew was upset when Rachel stormed into his mansion. Rachel immediately inquired how he could afford a mansion seeing as she had never seen him work a day in his life. Meanwhile, Roman was on the ice trying to shake off the effects of his troubling conversation with Sebastian who had conveyed his intentions of cutting him out of the Garbalando deal. Roman scored a nice goal on the power play but couldn't really alleviate his fears. Stephen tried telling Kathleen that he had feelings for her but the two were interrupted by Kathleen's father who had made it home early from the hospital, where he has been treating the same three patients in alternating fashion over 23 seasons. The Avalanche tied the score and went ahead 2-1 on a couple of strange bounces that went by Carey Price. Jared finally told Cassie about the affair but promised to quit his job if she could give him another chance.

Mitchell experienced mild complications from the explosion in the cave but that did not stop him from ordering Mylena to leave his house when she showed up unannounced at the Paisley home. Andrei made some stunning moves in a great individual effort to dish out a beautiful pass to Tomas Plekanec who fired a one timer to tie the score at 2. Peeps was not able to give the combination to the family safe to Edwardo who threatened to tell Madeleine everything about the ferry ride. Shawn Bell missed an assignment in the corners leading to an easy game winning goal past a stranded Price. Kevin was sure he saw shadows beyond the boxes on the pier while he was waiting for Teresa who never showed up. After making it back to his car, Kevin heard a terrifying scream.

The Morning Skate for Friday, October 16th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning Game 1...
  • Je suis... un loser. Habs get the intros right, play two decent periods but it all adds up to a 3-2 loss. You can blame the refs if you want, or say we got some unlucky bounces. Go ahead, say that, we won't stop you. But we're still losers. More later today;
  • Habs' next opponent, the Sens, crush the Bolts 7-1;
  • Ovie gets 2 in the Caps' 4-1 win over the Sharks.
Here's the introductions for those of you who missed it. Really the only highlight from last night. The real fun starts around the 4:00 mark.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Welcome to the comforts of home boys - Avs game preview and open thread

Home sweet home. Let's hope it fucking counts for something, as this is the first of 6 straight at home for the Habs.. All the comforts of home are just up Stanley Street. Let's get to it.

Waiting in line details -19h30 start at Chez Bell. Actual puck drop will probably be much later. I would write that the Habs have lost 3 straight but the Western road trip never happened. Avs are actually leading the Western Conference with a 4-1-1 record. Believe it.

Pay your cover charge to - Disgruntled Avalanche Blogger is undoubtedly less disgruntled considering the Avs' start.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - I'm happy to say that Pleks has started off the season seemingly on a mission to prove his critics wrong. If only he had some wingers. Gionta leads the team with 3 goals. MOEmaN's good play is earning him a spot on the top line with Gionta and Gomez.

Skanky Habs to watch - Everyone else?

Hot sexy Avs to watch - Career backup Craig Anderson has started the season on fire for the Avs, playing every game and having a sub-2 GAA. Some Polack named Wojtek Wolski leads the Avs with 7 points. Darcy Tucker and David "Bowie" Jones were the stars of the Avs win over the Leafs. Hejduk and Stastny always worth watching.

Skanky Avs to watch - not too many considering their record. Adam Foote is pointless.

Line up du jour - welcome to the next stopgap D plan, Shawn Belle. He's supposed to be a defensive D, and will be paired with Mara. Metro still out injured, so according to RDS' Twitter feed, the 4th line is Dagger-CHips-BGL. TFS set to start.

In the VIP Room - I said four days ago that the Habs get a week before the expletives fly in this space and I'm sticking to it. Over / under on the Bell Centre crowd letting the expletives fly is 6 minutes into the second period. On another note, does anyone even think of the Avs as the Nords anymore? I usually forget.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - The granddaddy of them all and in the spirit of our graphic today, Chez Parée. Rumour has it you can get contact dances there now. Can anyone confirm this? I may have to reconsider my personal boycott.

Real life got in the way of HF4's promised piece from TMS this morning. Sorry about that. Direct your dirty thoughts in the comments at him.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, October 15

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the BSG women in Maxim...
OK big day in prep for the home opener tonight. HF4 has something for you and we'll have your game preview later this afternoon. To get you psyched up, why don't we all enjoy the goal scored off Komi's head again:

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Morning Skate is all BGL all the time

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of naked PETA women...
  • BGL is a great human being, according to the Gazette;
  • BGL is such a great human being he's sorry for his recent sex 'n booze ad. No need to apologize Georges, we loved it. But it may get him in trouble with the league, as it may be in violation of the CBA. Oy. Also, gotta love this line from the story: "If I'd known (the ad's content) I wouldn't have done it - that's for sure." It's not like he was there filming it or anything, how could he know?
  • BGL won't be allowed to wear his preferred number 27, as the Habs expect Kovy to be back any day now;
  • PETA is running a contest with a chance to win a signed puck and photo from BGL. All you have to do is comment on a blog. You guys know how to do that, don't you? Link also has BGL's excellent new PETA video which has been making the rounds (you may not want to be eating any chicken products while watching);
  • Tonight, BGL is the star of a fundraiser at the Corona Theatre for local community animal shelters and to build a new low-cost animal care center. PETA's fake blood-throwing and other media-whoring antics may irk us, but decent affordable care for animals we can get behind. And those Quebec puppy mills make us sick. And as Bob Barker used to say after fucking a spokesmodel, "help control the pet population. Have your pet spayed or neutered."
Jebus that's a hell of a 24 hours you've compiled there Georges.

Lap dances to copyranter for shooting us the new BGL PETA video first and GG11 for feeding us links thus inspiring this special TMS. Blame them.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, October 13th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a 9th-inning comeback to send you to the LCS...
OK, let's all agree the Western road trip never happened. NEVER. HAPPENED. Seems like we say that every year.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving from T.... M.... S

We're taking the day off; hope your enjoy yours. Well, if you live in Canada. What are you thankful for?

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Time to Get Up in the Middle of the Night and Pace Feverishly in Search of Answers: Oil 3 - Gas 102.3/l

Get used to the idea

It's not going to get any better than this.

One or two decent periods of hockey in the last 5 games. Two wins that don't belong and three losses that do.

So here's a little list of what's wrong and will never change, to make us all feel much much better.

  1. Kyle Chipchura is always out of position and has a habit of making the other team like it's loaded with players named Scott Stevens. How many thunderous hits is one meant to be on the receiving end of? How many, Eric Lindros?
  2. Remember Bob Gainey's press conference last season? The one at the end of the Habs' cameo appearance when Bob came to his goaltender's rescue. Where he said' "Man! Look at that guy, man he can play". It should sound more like, "Man! Look at that guy, man he can play when he doesn't suck. Man!"
  3. Remember when Carey told the press like, 20 days ago, that he was going to be more mature, less erratic and not carried away by the ups and downs of a season? His third game of the season he punches a fist through a wall, potentially having an enormous impact on his catching abilities and on the ease of his masturbation.
  4. The boys will go through punishing drills the day after a night off and will often lose the following game, thus enticing the coach to resort to older tactics employed by previous coaches such as taking the guys to movie night and allowing them several play dates.
  5. The Giant Mexican Squid line will remain the best of the bunch but will soon come to terms with the futility of their efforts and scale their productivity back the likes of which we haven't seen since GM revamped its auto line.
  6. Andrei Kostitsyn will make the disappearance of all tits complete when his unbelievably ineffective ass is shipped out of town, leaving us all with the taste of Danius Zubrus in our mouths.
  7. The team will continue to languish in the bottom echelons of the standings (in the NHL) and promotional ads about the playoffs the team will nevertheless be forced to run in the spring will be met with sarcasm and mockery.
  8. Carey Price will no longer be able to masturbate at all.
  9. Alex Kovalev will feel a mix of regret and satisfaction the bittersweet moments of the Habs' six losses against the Senators this season.
  10. This blog will buy out Facebook.
Massive overhaul, but plus ça change, plus c'est pareil - hasn't this already been tried?...

5 days off and we all need them. Not you, Hall Gill.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

We do love GMS, but if he loses tonight you'll never see him again - Edmonton Game Preview and Open Thread

Greetings from the heart of the enemy! Yes, you're looking liiiive at HF29 previewing from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. T-dot for short. Or so they say, that sounds kinda gay to me. Yours truly is here for a wedding, and a chance to see HF10 in the flesh. Well, with clothes on. Now that naked FHF'ers are in your head, let's do this thing!

Waiting in line details - 10 PM EST start at whatever they call the Northlands Coliseum now. Game is on CBC as the second half of the doubleheader. This is the finale of the 5 game road trip for the Habs to start the season. If they win, that'll be 3-2 and we can call it a success. Yeah, right.

Pay your cover charge to - Always on the road. There are Oilers fans in Vanc? Who knew.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - ---.

Skanky Habs to watch - the lot of 'em.

Hot sexy Oilers to watch - some French Canadian Russian named Denis Grebeshkov leads the Oil with 4 points. Comrie has 3.

Skanky Oilers to watch - how the fuck am I supposed to know? I'm so hungover from drinking with HF10 last night, I can barely see.

In the VIP room - Habs get one more week before the expletives fly in this space.

Post-game adult entertainment - in the spirit of our opponent, enjoy this gallery of women wrestling in oil (NSFW, as you may have guessed).

Make sure your dirty comments are covered in oil

Friday, October 09, 2009

The Morning Skate for Sexy Thanksgiving Friday, October 9

Bullet points on the Sexy Friday before Thanksgiving (Canadian Edition) while you think about being President and a Nobel Peace Prize winner ...

  • Baseball playoffs! Dodgers, Angels, Rockies win, Yankees still evil;

  • Ducks hammer Bruins, and we like it! (Cause the fucking Bruins suck!);

  • So many rivalry games last night to mention ... Flames take second battle of Alberta, Wings beat Hawks in Norris showdown, Pens beat Flyers to take Patrick Division lead;

  • Blues unveil statue of uber-defender and glass-shatterer Al MacInnis;

  • Fucking Nebraska beats Mizzou in awesomely rain-drenched Thursday Night ESPN game (have we mentioned the ESPN Thursday Night game rules?).

Jacques bag-skated those useless pricks in the Bleu, Blanc et Rouge jerseys yesterday. To cheer them up, there's a bleu, blanc et rouge Sexy Friday up top.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

I'm not doing IT, 29's not doing it, 10's not doing it and neither is Panger: Vancouver 1 Billion - Habs 1

It takes about 2 and a half hours to watch a game.

I work for a living. I get paid by the hour. It takes about an hour to write something decent. Maybe less if I'm feeling inspired. Sometimes more.

So in light of yesterday's performance here's your review.

The Habs sucked

The Morning Skate for Thursday, October 8th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of a Michael Vick reality show...
  • Oy. Thank goodness we went to bed after the third goal, because that may have been unpleasant, Habs lose 7-1 to the Nucks. All talk of TFS over Luongo for the Olympic team is immediately dropped as TFS gets pulled in front of his parents. Our defence has, uh, issues. Meh. More later today, maybe;
  • Yotes are 2-0! Go Yotes!
  • Leafs get a slap on the wrist for some tampering about the Sedins.
Still 78 games to go. You can look at that two ways.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Welcome Giant Mexican Squid! - Canucks quickie game preview and open thread

So it looks like commentor "robert" was the first to coin the "Giant Mexican Squid" moniker for the top line. It ain't no "Danse à Dix" line, but it's pretty good. And if it gets us Photoshops like this, well...

So sorry about the Flames review. We're sure Panger was stuck in court (hopefully as a lawyer not a defendant) and never got to it. I had not really planned much of a preview either, because I expected you to have his review to read. We suck, I know. We'll give you your money back for this one. UPDATE! we'll take your admission fee now, Panger came through. Scroll down.

So, quickly - 10 PM EST start in Vanc. It's on TSN, let's hope Maguire is doing the early game. Nucks Misconduct is your source for all things Nucks. Price will start in his home province; JM said all other lineup changes will only be known at game time. Sneaky! Hot Habs are MOEmaN, Mara, and Pleks maybe? All of Vancouver's eyes are on the now-sucky Luongo (loved MYFO's take on it) and the Nucks 3-game losing streak to start the season. There's a jinx if I've ever heard one. Because of the late hour of the game on the East coast, your post-game adult entertainment is on channel 213 on Vidéotron (MEXCE), The Muse. "Let adult superstar Stormy Daniels become your own personal seductive muse" says the description. I hope my PVR will catch it for me, I'll be long asleep by then.

Let's hear those Dirty Mexican Mustache thoughts in the comments

The Sky is Falling: Flames 4 - Habs 3 LIVE GAME REVIEW

(Please forgive the lateness of my review. In my defence, I was exiled to Edmonton. Enjoy the redheaded goodness as a reward for your patience and ability to scroll down. Please note the attention to detail, including the Forum chair seat number.)

The Sky is falling - at least in Calgary there's a reason: their arena is very slooowly caving in. (I can't believe no one else has noticed this yet.)

Anyway, I'm tired from twice driving across the Province, so let's hit the bullet points for last's night's "deep thoughts" on the game:
  • Totally agree with HF29's recap: it was an entertaining - if ultimately frustrating - game.

  • Weird there were more fights than minor penalties. And no PP opportunities for Swiss Mister II. Poor Swiss, they never win.

  • The good news includes that there seemed to be some semblance of a "system" being implemented. Good support of the puck carrier; quick, short passes - although the Gomez's passes right through the slot make my heart skip a beat.

  • Halak was pretty good throughout and very good in spurts, but not spectacular enough to steal a point. What I`m saying is that there is no goaltending controversy.

  • Well, right now.

  • My Boy Chips looks like a career AHLer. Yeah, ok, I said it. He seems to finally understand that possibility and his fight in the second, where he acquitted himself quite well IMHO, might have been a sign that he understands his role in the NHL will be as a Steve Begin-type, versatile, gritty defensive player who will drop the gloves and score the occasional goal. But last night I cringed whenever he stepped on the ice. Which leads me to...

  • The Habs lost this game because the Flames' 4th line destroyed theirs. I can out-skate BGL in my goalie skates, Gregory Stewart may actually have hands that are made out of a concrete-like substance, and I already talked about Chips.

OK that's enough actual hockey analysis, after the meth I'm going to go (in all likelihood) yell at the TV for the next few hours while "'enjoying" the Canucks game, while (again, in all likelihood) simultaneously cursing the Habs' failure to deal for Luongo when Clinically Insane Mike Milbury ran the Islanders.