FHF Stripperiffic* WJHC Gold Medal Preview

It's the rubber match.

In the modern WJHC era (conveniently described as the period since Canada started sending all-star teams as opposed to an entire junior club) Canada or Russia/USSR have won 30 of 37 titles. That's right, an even 15 each. Everyone else just borrows the trophy: Canada and Russia own this tournament.

So what I'm saying is that this game will determine, once and for all time, which country and its people are superior.

So let the smack talk begin.

The Historic Rivalry: USA / Canada is the biggest international hockey rivalry based on last year's WJHC and Olympics. The Russians just aren't that much of a threat anymore. (Oh, snap.)

Domestic Leagues: Yeah, the Russians have finally set up their own "rival" league. Ask Nabokov how much it really rivals the NHL. So what if half the number of Russians are in the NHL as compared to pre-lockout? They want to stay home in the KHL, fine. Enjoy the borscht and lack of basic live-saving equipment at your arenas.

Playing Style: the point of the game isn't exclusively to put an opponent through the end boards? That's wussy-Euro talk. (Okay, I may have some grudging respect for their puck skills.) Canadian players know what their goalies look like, unlike most of their Russian counterparts. (Ouch - backchecking burn.)

Marquee Players: really it's no contest: Ovie has won nyet as a teammate. Crosby has a Cup and a couple of Gold medals (WJHC and Olympic). Anyone who would build a team around Ovie and not Crosby hates defence and winning. Plus Ovie is seriously scary looking (to be fair, that passes for "sexy" in St. Petersburg).

Politics: We're a constitutional monarchy run by a nice old lady in a funny hat. They're run by a shirtless, tone-deaf oligarch in a not-so-quasi-authoritarian state. (If I die suspiciously of, say, poisoning in the near future, Putin did it.)

WJHC: Canada already beat the Ruskies once in this tournament, and that was with their fantastically un-Roy like goalie and before starting to pay attention to defence. Russia won two playoff games by playing about 7 total minutes of hockey, and those against other wussy-Euro trash teams. There will be no such epic chokes for Team Canada (jinx).

Louis Leblanc: That's right Habs fans, a Canadian Habs' pick at forward who actually contributes at a WJHC (fuck you again Terry Ryan, Eric Chouinard and Little Fuckity Fuck). Hopefully LOUUUUU is more TFS/Subbanator and less Ribiero. If this tournament is any indication, he looks like a Turtleplek clone: does everything better than average at both ends of the rink and works his butt off. And he's not Russian (prove me wrong, Mr. 'healthy scratch' Avtsin.)

Fearless prediction: Visentin outplays Shikin, Johanson schools Tarasenko and the Canucks skate off with our 6th WJHC gold in 7 years. Russians head back to Russia wishing they were Canadian.

Finally: 1972!

*So what if none of the players can legally attend a gentlemen's club? If they bring back gold tonight, they can get in anywhere along Ste Catherine that their little (horny) hearts desire.

An Interview with Andrei Markov - Pens Game Preview and Open Thread

Famously taciturn defenceman Andrei Markov has shown much more willingness to talk to the press since his return from injury, touching on subjects like Ryan O'Byrne, Mike Komisarek, and his dressing room dust-up with goalie Carey Price. Now, the strong, silent leader of Montreal's defence corps sits down with our own FHF Late Night Host, Jacques Paré for an in-depth look at today's matinee:

"So today's game is at 2:00 pm against the Penguins at the Bell Centre, on RDS and CBC. Do you like playing afternoon games?"

Markov: "I play when I am told to play."

"What do you like about Ryan O'Byrne?"

Markov: "That's a tough question."

"Do you feel bad for Mike Komisarek now that he's out for the season?"

Markov: "Is he here in this room? I have no memory of him."

"Is the defence here better with or without Komisarek?"

Markov: "I have no memory of him. I have no memory of any defence here. It is only me. Mara is a fuck-up."

"Who's better, Crosby or Ovechkin?"

Markov: "For me, Ovie is friend, and better Russian prostitute killer. Crosby never kills Russian prostitutes. Crosby, for me, is a virgin. No Russian prostitute killing."

"Crosby or Malkin?"

Markov: "Never see Malkin with Russian prostitutes. He spends all his time with his Mom, and also needs better linemates, I think. Malkin and Crosby both hot right now, but virgin Crosby is playing better. No Mom."

"Price or Halak?"

Markov: "Halak is hot right now, so you play. Price, I like, we hug, but we have our troubles like any family, you know? Also, Halak has Russian prostitutes all the time. Slovak too."

"Are you better than Sergei Gonchar?"

Markov: "Right now, yes. Right now Kris Letang better than Gonchar. Could change."

"Is there anyone else on the Penguins that worries you?"

"You know, Marc-Andre Fleury is playing good for thirteen-year old. Very good. Also, Bill Guerin not scoring much, but look like Crazy Mischa from alleyway behind house back home in Voskresensk."

"How about your teammates? Has losing Andrei Kostitsyn and Mike Cammilleri long-term ended your playoff hopes?"

Markov: "Not ended, no. We are in playoffs until we are out. First we need win today, then tomorrow, then lose two, maybe three, then Olympics, then play more, and then we know playoffs or not. So we hope."

"Kostitsyns versus Sedins in a street fight. Who wins?"

Markov: "Sweden and the Russians have been at odds since the Novgorodian wars of the late 1400's. By the 17th century, Sweden was a great power, and a brave people. In fact, at one point during the Thirty Years War, Sweden looked to be the dominant power of the Holy Roman Empire. But series of missteps lost them the support of many Germanic allies, and a half century of warfare exhausted the Swedish treasury and arms. Despite that, if the Swedes had pressed their advantage after the Battle of Narva in 1700, they could have destroyed Russia once and for all, but they made the fatal error of attacking Poland first. By the time they met Russia in the Battle of Poltava in 1709, Russia had recovered. The Swedes haven't won a war against a Russian army since, and this would be no different. Also, one Sedin is actually woman. You guess which."

"Do you want to be Captain of the Montreal Canadiens?"

Markov: "Bertrand Raymond say only French Canadian can be captain, so no. I do not want to be French Canadian. Russian. Markov is Russian. Also, would hate organizing Annual Scavenger Hunt."

"Any predictions for the Super Bowl? Are you having a party?"

Markov: "In Russia, party has you. That's joke. I predict D'Agostini will eat too many wings and get sick, and Gomez will bring three-bean dip. Gomez always make fucking three-bean dip. Last year, Lapierre put penis in chili. Also, Saints win."

Comments and interview questions for Markov's next appearance below. Remember, hit 500 comments in any thread this weekend and it's free meth delivered personally by HF29 (or shipped overseas to Grrreeeeggg and others)*

*Not a guarantee.

(Also, Condolences to Brian Burke, who lost his son Brendan in a car crash on Friday. Say what you want about "hated Maple Leaf GM Burke", but his love for his son and the barriers they both helped break down in hockey deserve respect and prayers today. )

С Рождеством Vodkov! Panthers game preview and open thread

Don't think we don't recognize the fact it's Christmas for some of us! Notably the Russians (and other Eastern Orthodox people I guess, what do I know) and probably the Belorussians. I'm too lazy to look this shit up. But I do know today is Russian Christmas. So Merry Christmas Andrei (and probably the Titses). May Дед Мороз bring you lots of presents. Maybe the "C"?

Hey didn't I write yesterday that I would no longer watch hockey? Why am I writing a preview then? Hmmm. Well, it would be a crime to deprive our fine readers of my witty banter, such as it is. Why don't we just ramble on a bit without any clever gimmick? Habs sucking so much does not give me any inspiration for any clever gimmicks.

Game goes at 7:30 tonight at the Centre of Bell Globemedia. Habs coming off two straight losses to start 2010, and the Panthers coming off a loss to Tronna after shocking the Pens over the weekend. Habs won the only meeting so far this season, the 5-4 New Year's Eve day game last week. Thanks to an anonymous commentor for that game, we discovered the other Panthers blog on the intertubes, the quite excellent The Rat Trick.

Hot Habs? Yeah, right. CHicken maybe? Vodkov maybe? Bryan McCabe and Nathan Horton playing well for the Cats. Over the last two games, plenty of coldness for the Habs. Let's just say all the forwards and all the defense.

Once again, we are deprived of the services of Titses. Not to worry, I'm sure that BGL can fill their shoes. Rhino still in B.C. for family issues. PatCHes and Dagger have switched lines. And your goalie will be Jaro. I'm sure he can turn aside the 40-50 shots that will be thrown his way.

For your post-game adult entertainment, in the spirit of Russian Christmas, get all your free Russian porn at the Russian Porn Blog. The term NSFW is woefully inadequate for what you will get if you click on that link.

Merry Christmas to all our Russian readers (NOT our good Finnish friend sleza. i think Sonia speaks Russian). Stoli shots for everyone!

Fedorov returning to the Motherland, leaving alleged ex-wives behind

Lap dance to Sean Leahy over at Puck Daddy for digging through the Russian news to find that Sergei Federov will sign a contract with Metallurg Magnitogorsk of the Kontinental Hockey League. Metallurg Magnitogorsk may be my favourite team name ever. Team logo - metal horns.

Federov leaves as the leading Russian scorer ever in the NHL. Pretty impressive for a guy who also won Selke trophies. But to me he'll always be the dude who banged and possibly married Anna Kournikova.

You really have to appreciate the irony of a guy who defected from Russia going back because he can make more money there now.

Russia and North America Reach Detente - Russian Supermodels Free to Date Anyone

This is Natalia Vodianova. She is a Russian supermodel. That's all we've got.

We bring her up because the NHL and the new Russian Continental League have reached a transfer agreement. It's not really the big trasnfer agreement that still needs to be signed, but at least the leagues have agreed to respect each others contracts. So basically that means Sid and Malkin will play together for at least one more year.

Now if you'll excuse us, we need to return to the difficult work of Google Image searching Russian supermodels. It's tough work, but we do it for you, dear reader.

Capitals in a Buying Mood: Acquire Fedorov, Give FHF an Excuse to Post Hot Russians

Minutes after fleecing the Habs for HueT, Ted Leonsis opens the bank again and grabs Sergei Fedorov from the BJ's.

FHF was suffering today in the hot chicks to serious hockey talk ratio, so we thank the Caps for helping us out.

Ovie and Markov are BFF's, Like Drinking and Hookers

This photo has been circulating around the interweb tubes this week and we'd be remiss if we didn't post it here. I don't know where it was taken, I don't know what the context was, I don't know if in fact the two blonde women are hookers (but damn they look like classic Russian hookers to me, not that I would know of course).

What I do know is that Ovie looks like he's about to puke, Markov looks like he's about to get jiggy, and the two ladies look happy to be there. Oh, and you'd think that with $124 mill, Ovie could afford some new jeans.

(h/t to HFBoards)