Look Ma, No Suspensions! Not-the-Flyers 4, Sens 0

Plan the parade: Hey, remember when we all thought Higgins was gonna be a 40 goal, 40 assist, Cup-hoisting Captain for life? Oh, it's back on, baby! Hey, remember when TFS was TFS, and shutouts, Vezinas and Cups were going to rain like ... um, rain? Plan the parade! Remember when we feared the Sens juggernaut and the inevitable SLC smackdown? Nah, me neither. Remember when Gui! was the next John Leclair - except we weren't going to trade him just before he exploded as a first-line force of nature? Well, he snapped home a nice goal last night, so that's something. Remember when the Habs were a clean, hardworking skill team, not the bunch of cheap-shotting quitters who showed up in Toronto on Saturday? Let's hope Carbo made a tape of that speech.

The Sky is Falling: Forget Marian Gaborik or Ilya Kovalchuk or Mats Sundin and get a large, angry, top-four defenceman who will punch someone in the fucking mouth if they get to close to TFS, please. Saturday was an abomination, with Leafs running rampant through the crease and dressing room poison Grabs throwing a butt-end with no consequences. Last night wasn't as pitiful, but the Sens sure had a lot of time to shove their way into the blue paint. It's got to stop.

Know what else needs to stop? Big Tit's penchant for tripping/slewfooting guys on races for the puck. The one on Saturday against Leafs saviour Luke Schenn was bad enough, and he pulled the same thing last night. He's gonna kill someone. It's a dirty play and someone needs to tell him to knock it the fuck off and start scoring goals.

Somewhere, Jacques Parizeau weeps: The Flying Frenchmen sent out this power play unit: Two Belarussians, a Russian, and two Czechs. Later, on a four on three, it was a Finn, a Russian, a Czech and a Belarussian. Damn moneyed ethnics are ruining everything!

Chez Paree bound: Post a shutout? Get right in. Throw up a "who needs Gaborik?" first career hat-trick? Get right in. Put all the power of your 5 foot 2, 93 pound body into your fists to avenge a head shot on your teammate? Get right in. Spend an entire penalty kill buzzing the opposing net? Get right in. Play a full sixty minutes like you mean business? Get right in.

You know, I hate to say this sort of thing, but: Alex Auld played fantastic and deserved a better fate.

Of course, saying things like this might explain why he didn't have a better night: I heard the names Spezza, Heatley, Alfie, Fisher, and Neil last night. I may have heard "Winchester" once, and Foligno was mentioned when he fell down on the third goal. That's seven forwards. Most teams dress 12. It's not a good sign when almost half of your attackers are invisible. I think Spezza and Fisher each played 45 minutes last night.

Meanwhile, on the Ocho (er, TSN2): The Pens and Wings took Rememberance Day to a whole new level by remembering what the NHL was like in 1988-89. 7-6 in overtime after the Wings blew a 5-2 lead in the third. Yzerman to Gallant looked like the winner until Lemieux set up Robbie Brown for the tying goal, then won it in overtime himself. Yowza.

Next Evil, Evil, Blackhearted,(did I mention Evil?) we-need-to-crush-them foe?

Bruins. Thursday. Urge to kill ... rising! Milan Lucic is ON MY LIST.

No Sex in the Champagne Room: The FHF Season Preview reveals its schoolgirl-crush on Chris Higgins

FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

Look, up in the sky! It's the Habs own Superman, everybody's hero, Mr. Christopher Higgins. We will try to remain objective, but damn, do we love Higgins.

The tits - Tremendous hockey sense and talent to match. Higgins is versatile enough to be the Habs best winger and is a potential number one centre too, and he has great chemistry with Koivu on the top line. A willing and able defender, he's also a very dangerous penalty-killer. He can score in bunches and had 8 goals in the first 13 games last year before an ankle injury slowed him down. Higgins is a workout warrior and spends his summers looking for ways to improve. A potential future captain and team scoring leader, he's hit the 20 goal mark in both of his first two years in the league.

The cellulite - Let's see ... he's a forward for the Habs, so size is an issue. Higgins is a willing forechecker and spends tons of time receiving punishment in front of the net and in the corners, but he's not going to ever be confused with his best buddy Komisarek on the way through the airport. He's listed at 6'0 and 200 pounds but looks smaller. All that battling takes a toll. He can be a bit of a streaky scorer. A lot of teenage girls like him, so there could be ear-piercing screams when he gets his good-lookin' mug on the Bell Centre scoreboard.

The armpit hair - That ankle injury scares me a little; freak occurrence or the start of an injury-plagued, Koivu-esque career that tantalizes but never becomes what we hoped for? For the love of Guy, please let it be the first choice.

In the VIP Room - A lifelong Habs fan, Higgins claims current Habs assistant Kirk Muller was his favourite player growing up. If he moved to the middle he might be Muller with better hands, a legitimate 40 goal threat that takes important draws, kills penalties, sets up linemates with passes that make the Bell Centre go "ooooohhh!!" and collects Cups because of the "C" on his sweater. As it stands now, he's one of the leaders of the young gun Habs, the team's best all-around winger, and, until Kovalev cures his in-game narcolepsy, the team's best chance at cracking a top twenty scoring list. He's the team matinee idol; loved by the FHF, young girls from NDG, tough dudes from St. Henri, grandmothers from Westmount and the working class in the East end. Stay healthy, and the All-Star game beckons. (Oh please, stay healthy so that the All-Star game beckons.)

Chez Parée Bound? - Going in a stretch Hummer with a police escort. Getting the best seat in the house. Having strippers from other joints leave work early to come to Chez Parée to sit at his table, buy him drinks, and make sure he gets home safe whenever he decides it's closing time.

9 lap dances (out of 10). - Higgins says he wants to become a 40 goal, 40 assist man and win Cups. Don't bet against either occurrence. (Okay, you could probably bet against the Cup ... this year.)

Signature Song - Foo Fighters - Hero. I told you we loved Higgins. Our site, our crushes.

4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich:

HF29: I am comfortable enough in my masculinity to say 3 little words to Chris Higgins: I love you. And if I love him, you can bet Panger thinks he’s God.

Panger: Higgins is My Boy. If the injuries are behind him, he’ll be a star by the end of the season and you’ll be wishing you had picked him earlier in your hockey pool.

HF33: When are we talking about Gui! Gui! Gui! Tomorrow? Fine. I'll wait...OK, OK, I'll admit it. Higgins is my favorite Hab too.