Only one thing matters this weekend

BJ's from this woman. And this woman. And this one. And this one. God bless #teambj. Not to mention the Dutch were my team from the beginning. Fuck it will be depressing when they lose 1-nil tomorrow. But for one last time, Hup Holland Hup!



We now return you to our regular summer of hockey-related nothing.

Sexy Friday has a soccer game to watch

Oh, hello. Hope you're doing well this fine morning. Take a deep breath everyone and relax after the FRENZY that was... the Als game last night. Crazy. As for the free agents, meh, whatever. Sort of a wash. We did not get goalie Dan Ellis signed (he ended up in Tampa), but we did get Alex Auld signed. Really? Yes, really. Ugh. We did manage to get Dustin Boyd signed at a nice price, so the Little Tits trade wasn't completely useless. And Curtis Sanford was re-signed too. YAWN. Frankly I thought the most important Habs news yesterday was the news that the Mexican would be switching to the number 11 this year. What about Yvon Lambert dammit?

Around the league, Gonchar to Ottawa, Jokinen and Tanguay are going back to Cowtown, St. Louis reups in Tampa, Volchenkov got a shitload of money from New Jersey, Hamhuis to Vancouver for even more money, and Saku re-signed in Anaheim so you can forget about that dream.

Hup Holland.

Sexy Friday and the FHF get you ready for the World Cup

Greetings soccer fans! Or football fans, your choice. In case you've been dead, the World Cup starts today. Wait, this is a hockey blog? Fuck off with your logic, there's football to watch.

We've asked each of the FHF for their thoughts about the chances of the team they support.

England - Habsfan10
As much as it pains me to say it, England only goes as far as that Man United shirt wearing, random-red card getting manchild with the fire-hydrant shaped head will take them. I LOATHE cheering for Wayne Rooney but he's the best (only?) chance they have unless ...

• Stephen Gerrard returns to being Stephen "Fucking Best Midfielder on the Planet" Gerrard (see Champions League Final, 2005);
• Fat Frank Lampard gets the hell out of Gerrard's way;
• Somebody pulls a Michael Leighton-esque goaltending miracle out of their hats; and
• The slow, horribly overrated defence doesn't get torn to pieces.

Gotta like their chances. At least Scotland won't be embarrassed and home before their postcards this time.

Italy - Panger

Suck it losers, we’re defending champs. Okay, that pretty much guarantees we won’t win, but none of you are from Brazil so your team isn’t winning, either. FORZA ITALIA.

France - HabsFan4

They have no chance. Have a nice summer.

The Netherlands - HabsFan29
You may wonder how a Canadian Jew of various Central and Eastern European descent ends up supporting the Oranje. Three Dutch ex-girlfriends, that's how. The first of whom looked almost exactly like this woman. Of course, many Dutch women look like this. ANYWAY, the Dutch, ranked 4th in the world, look to Arjen Robben to create magic. So then the fucker had to go injure his hamstring right before the tourney. Fuck me. He should still play at some point, but for sure he won't be 100%. Instead the Dutch will look to Wesley Sneijder (Robben's Real Madrid teammate before Real's Great Dutch Purge of 2009) to create the magic. If you want to create some magic in your pants, watch this video of Sneijder's girlfriend. Gah.

As for their chances, they will score some beautiful goals along the way and then lose 1-nil or 2-nil in the quarters or semis, as usual.

Got a World Cup favourite team? Favourite WAG? Bring it in the comments. Hockey is over anyway.

League CHamps! Impact 3, Whitecaps 1 (6-3 agg.)

A stirring win by the home side yesterday! The Impact have taken the USL First Division title for the third time in the club's history, thanks to a 3-1 win over the defending champs Vancouver at Saputo stadium giving them a 6-3 aggregate two-game series win. The victory was especially sweet in a season filled with controversy and bad play where the Impact could have fallen apart at any minute. But the team held together through the adversity and played best when it counted.

The Impact exploded for their 3 goals late in the first half, on strikes by Tony "Tits" Donatelli (penalty in the 30th minute), Joey "Joojoo Shabadoo" Gjertsen (40th) and Roberto "Club Downtown" Brown (42nd). The Impact cruised from there, defending the big lead with skill and determination, a task made easier by the red card on Whitecap defender Shaun Pejic.

Impact veteran and captain Mauro "Bella" Biello, perhaps playing his last game in an Impact uni as he contemplates retirement, was thrilled with the victory, saying that "at this point in my career to be able to lift that championship cup again was unbelievable." He added that "we are going to fucking party all night. W00t! You would not believe the quality hookers 'n blow that Joey Saputo can lay his hands on. Man that dude's connected."

Oh yeah, Habs lose, Kovy has glorious return to Montreal, yada yada. You didn't think I was going to waste my time reviewing that crap did you?

This is the longest off-season ever ... fuck it, let's talk soccer!

Don't worry, we will return to our regularly scheduled waiting for Mats coverage soon enough.

As the offseason drags on and on and on and on and on and (well, you get the idea) we need to find something to talk about. And once upon a time, way back in the beginning (around 1 BJ [Before Jaro, get your minds out of the gutter - ed.]) this blog started with a promise to discuss Soccer, Strippers ... and the Habs. We've done pretty well on the strippers and Habs topics, but our soccer talk is woefully inadequate, especially considering the wealth of hot soccer-themed pics that are out there. So here goes, as I pick up the soccer (or football, for the insufferable purist-types) ball and start running. (Which, ironically, would get me in big trouble were this an actual soccer game.)

My tastes run more towards the English game, with a side order of vehemently cheering against the evil that is Rangers in Scotland because that's what Scottish Catholics do. Scotland is predictable as hell, since Rangers and Celtic have won every league title since the mid-80's. Throw your lot in with one of the others if you don't mind winning the occasional Cup and getting bounced out of Europe early. I recently discovered my ancestors came from Lanark, so I may need to start supporting Motherwell or Hamilton Academical. Let's move on.

The EPL is almost as predictable as Scotland at this point, with Man U (Rangers-like evil, minus the religious bigotry) and Chelsea (new-money West London gate-crashers) looking better than Arsenal (formerly boring boring Arsenal, now slick and fun to watch, but young) and Liverpool (Cup knockout specialists, England's most successful team domestically and abroad, but equally bitten by glory and tragedy). Chelsea buys all the most expensive toys, Man U gets all the calls and is run by the Lou Lamariello of soccer, Arsenal is always exciting but doesn't have any money to spend, and Liverpool does stupid things like buy an entirely unecessary new forward at the expense of wingers, or spend the summer trying to sell their brilliant Spanish midfielder Xabi Alonso and replace him with an older, inferior Englishman named Gareth Barry. God help me. Those four will end up in the top four spots in some order, just like they always do.

Panger is the Italian expert, so I defer to him, but it looks like Inter is the team to beat, with Milan (and Kaka! - unfortunate name, but wonderous player) Juventus and possibly Roma making it interesting. At some point, someone will get paid to fix a game, Juve will get a ton of sketchy calls in their favour, and the majority of the games will be dull 0-0 draws.

Spain = Real Madrid and Barcelona, with a dash of Villareal, Athletico Madrid, and possibly Sevilla tossed in. Keep an eye for the yearly struggle of Athletic Bilbao to stay up; they are one of only three teams (along with Real Madrid and Barcelona) to never be relegated ... but they also refuse to sign any players who aren't Basque. That's pretty remarkable. Imagine the Bruins announcing they would only sign players from New England. Yeah. Not the easiest way to build a contender ... but nothing else works for those cheapskates, so maybe they should look into it.

In Germany ... oh, nobody watches German football. The league is called the Bundesliga. It's a fun word to say. Bayern always wins. Schalke once made Pope John Paul II an honorary team member. Bayer Leverkusen was actually started by the asprin maker. German football is weird. Exhibit A: FC St. Pauli.

In local news, the Impact has a great new stadium, Toronto FC has a great atmosphere, and the Canadian National team just fucking tied Jamaica. Hockey season can't come soon enough. We promise, no more soccer talk when that happens.

Hot Babe With a Seriously Tenuous Relationship to Hockey of the Day

This is a German soccer fan. Soccer is a sport where teams try to put something in some form of net, just like hockey.

Okay fuck it, this is a soccer post. Please note that I have selected a woman from the awesome Euro 2008 Girls site who all the FHF can agree to hate. HF4 is a Bleus supporter, Panger goes for the Azzurri and yours truly is Dutch all the way. HF10's team, sadly, sucks moose cocks and was unable to qualify for Euro. Anyone want to guess who that is?

Panger's Mea Culpa

I'm feeling blue. Or rather, I wish I were feeling blue.

OK, so at the risk of being hung, drawn and quartered by FHF's 'legions' of fans (both of you, and I'm especially scared of LG77) I admit it: it was my fault the Habs lost. I watched the first period and a half at the Calgary airport while awaiting a flight to London, and when the plane boarded it was 3-1. When the plane landed in London, the Habs had already blown their 2 FREAKING goal lead and lost both the game and the series to the Phucking Phlyers. Phuck I hate Martin Biron. Go Pens.

So instead of watching the Stanley Cup Finals in Montreal (with said LG77's tickets) I'll be watching a Premiership match this Sunday between Chelsea and Bolton that will essentially decide the league winner - even though the race is between Chelsea and Man U, so it's not really a championship game 'cause football/soccer is apparently weirdly non-confrontational. Except in the stands where hooligans try to tear each others eyes out. Coincidently, kinda like Philly fans.

So anyway, enjoy this Chelsea babe as my peace offering.

Soccer, Strippers... and the Habs

So when the FHF started this thing we were emailing each other and talking about what we should do, who should be in charge, what rules should we have, etc. But screw that, we said, do what you want, no one is in charge, no one edits, fuck rules. On second thought we decided to have one rule - every post should be about the Habs. That is the whole point of FHF after all.

But the cries went up - what if we want to talk about soccer? (a favourite topic for 2 of us) What if we want to talk about strippers? (a favourite topic for all of us). I said, just relate it to the Habs and you're fine. They said, how do we do that?

Here you go - just put it in a post title and you're done.

I always think about the Habs when I talk with my friend J about soccer and his beloved Liverpool FC. He is fanatical about them in the truest sense of that word. Few sports and/or teams inspire the type of loyalty, craziness, and passion like that. The Habs are in that class. We live and die by every game, every goal, every moment.

As for strippers, nothing in sports goes better with strippers than hockey (well except maybe Pacman Jones). Habs players are routinely seen at Chez Paree or Wanda's. Opposing players always say they love coming to Montreal for the "nightlife." And did you know that if you have your hockey ticket stub at Club Downtown after a game, you get a free beer? Uh, not that I know that.

Rest assured, the FHF will troll the Montreal strip clubs during the season looking for hockey players to report back to our three readers. It's a dirty job, but well, you know, we'll do it for you.