Tweet this bitCHes for 05/31

Fuck all going on right now. #heresbigbaldalexauldtokeepyouentertained

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/30

Nathan Horton fined, oooooh, Congrats Sea Dogs! #lovethewayrdsclaimsthemasaqmjhlteam

This pic works on so many levels

What's the opposite of "winning!"? via

Oh and Die Bruins Die. If they win a Cup I'll be sick. Fucking un-suspended Nathan Horton. Fucking Shit fuck fuck.

Sexy Friday is rambling

Oh hello there. Good Friday morning (not Good Friday morning, but a good Friday morning, if you know what we mean) to you, kind sir or lady. After Tweeting this bitCHes for a couple of weeks now we seem to have a lot of words left over to use. Actually we wanted to Tweet this bitCHes this morning but really there was nothing to Tweet about. No game yesterday. What the hell is gonna happen when the playoffs are actually over? We may go into hibernation. The big Habs news yesterday was the signing of Joonas "The Jew" "Natty Light" Nattinnen. "Joonas is a promising young player with size and skills," The Goat said in a statement. If we had a nickel for every time we heard that. Well actually, we never hear about the size part, so maybe this is a step up? That's really it for the hockey news. Well Doug Weight retired. Yawn. We remember when he was a promising young player with size and skills (5'11" was big back then, in the '40s) . Man we're old. That may be why we're rambling. Here's a tidbit about Bettman, the NHL and ESPN, with a juicy quote that like the Globe's writer, we have no fucking clue what it means. Bettman no doubt is too busy fixing the Bs-Bolts Game 7 tonight (Rollie is starting) to give a shit though. Already he's been busy not suspending Nathan Horton. We believe that about wraps up the hockey story this morning, Memorial Cup results notwithstanding.

Let's see what else is going on around the internets? [checks Buzzfeed] Meh. The big trending news seems to be the engagement of a useless reality star known for having a fat ass and making a really shitty porno and a marginal NBA player. The world is going to hell, face it people. Sports news? The Heat are off to the NBA Finals against the Mavs. The NBA playoffs have been pretty darn good this year. We should know, we've watched enough of them because we (confession time) really fucking hate hockey (once the Habs are out). Just too depressing to watch. Though we imagine we'll tune in to some Game 7 tonight, but only after Friday Night Lights is over. Man we're rambling. Speaking of rambling, have you read Steve's blog yet? It's actually quite coherent! Well sort of. It is Steve after all. And on a wide range of topics no less! Everything from the Military Industrial Complex to the world economy to Bob Dylan to even some hockey. And as to be expected from Steve, he's prolific. Anyway, worth a read in the nightmare of the off-season. What else you gonna do?

OK enough rambling, on to the sexy. Here's LiLo frolicking in a bikini, Bar Rafaeli in a bikini, Julianne Hough in a bikini, LeAnn Rimes in a bikini, and Aubrey O'Day in a bikini. We sense a theme here. Today's vid is gracias à moeman, who found this safe for work porn video. No, really! It's a bunch of pre-sex scenes from porn movies strung together in a music video. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/26

DIE BRUINS DIE!!!!!!!11!!!1111!!! #bonk

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/25

Freak goal puts 'Nucks in final, Hamilton got hosed, Estella Warren will kick a cop's ass. #ifeelbadforthesharksafterthisbounce

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/24

F U Bruins. F U Timmy. #allihavetosay



ADDING (by request): Happy 70th birthday Bob Dylan! Here he is changing the world at Newport '65.

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/23

'Nucks up 3-1, 'Dogs close 2 miracle. #Happyvictoriadaydollarddayjourneedespatrioteswhatever

CRapture ~ Special Sunday still alive on Sabbath post

Always a great day following another Bruin choke job

where they piss away a lead. Oh look, they took out

another Bolt player with a dirty hit. Calling Collie.

See if you can find the best paragraph of this well written article.

Rap this.

~ Epitaph ~ Epicass ~

So glad we're still alive!

G Y F H G !

Sexy Saturday is getting damn close to porn territory (NTTAWWT). And rapture this, bitCHes

Sharks hold on 2 make a series, Booze+Oxy killed Boog, Bulldogs survive again, Burnside on Kirk, RIP Macho Man, FHF fave Kate Upton, 4 MMA fans. #stillfuckingherefundies #idontknowwhatthisvideoisbutyowzathxorblamemoeman


MANUAL FOR BORED GIRLS Teaser from Jesus Plaza on Vimeo.

Gary & The Jets ~ Winni pegs the Thrashers!!! (?)

Fuck you Bettman!

Brunt is rarely wrong.

HNIC has yet another non-Toronto team to fucking hate.

Hey Atlanta, maybe 3rd time will be lucky. Or not.

Pis, Monsieur Maire LeBombe,

qu'est ce qui s'passe à Québec, bonhomme?

GYFHG!

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/19

4:20 is still 4:20 in French. or maybe it's 16h20. whatevs, who cares dude

Nucks go up 2-0 thanks to nudity, surgery for DarCHe, Bulldogs stay alive, Kirk to Stars? #wheresthedefenseintheplayoffs

Basha makes a quality shwarma

As moeman pointed out in the comments yesterday, the NHL has gone after the nice people at Basha for displaying a poster of a man cutting delicious shwarma meat while wearing a Habs jersey. The NHL's cadre of legal professionals demanded that the owner of the Basha at Ste Catherine and Drummond (a fine establishment, eaten there many times) pay $89,000 ($1000 for each day the poster was up) for being a Habs fan.

You'd think this was all some sort of horrible April Fool's joke, but it's the middle of May. The NHL seems intent on, uh, fucking over the little guy? The owner of that fine Basha establishment even covered up the CH on the jersey after receiving a warning, but that wasn't enough for BettmanCo. The lawyers decided that the "Go Habs Go" on the poster was also intellectual property and continued apace. Because if there is one thing intellectual property law was designed to protect, it's delicious seasoned meats wrapped in a pita bread. Or as part of a plate with potatoes, rice, salad, garlic sauce or hummus, and pita on the side for only $7.95. That's a great deal, if a little starchy.

Now, I'm not an intellectual property lawyer but... oh wait, I am an intellectual property lawyer. Hmmm. Fuck Basha and their unlicensed use of registered trademarks! We must protect the intellectual property of our poor starving sports leagues and franchises! One small business owner is just the beginning. You there, with the Habs flags flying from your Hyundai Accent, did you buy those at some souvenir shop downtown? That shit is unlicensed! Pay up for FFS. You, the cute blonde who wants to paint a CH on your cheek before you go to the game you paid $175 to see? Sorry, that's gonna cost you! We never authorized that face painting, and you might show up on TV giving millions of viewers the impression we did. All you people chanting "Go Habs Go" in the streets after a big playoff win - you think we're letting you off the hook? $1000 for each day you chant. We never authorized any of that.

There's only one solution, obvs. Chant or print "Go You Fucking Habs Go" instead. That shit ain't trademarked. Yet.

p.s. Tweet this bitCHes - Bs tie it (meh), (Y)Emelin! 4 realz this year, Boivin on francophones. #stillwaitingforthesun

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/17

Goodbye Boivin, Burnside on Kaberle, Bergeron skates, Winnipeg Thrash? Mad Max a diver? We find that hard easy to believe. #fuckthisfuckingrainalready

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/16

Nucks comeback, Boogard's brain, Barnaby's arrest, Suomi!, Jagr: "Maybe Montreal", Bulldogs 0-2 hole, welcome back True Blood. #reallysorryaboutalltheBloggerproblems

FINALLY Sexy Friday. (and fuck you Blogger)

JEBUS I HATE BLOGGER. Apologies to those of you (Steve) who have tried to comment over the past 24 hours or so. Blogger was totally fucked for everyone, not just us. Google is short of cash, can't afford to pay the hosting bills or something. ANYWAY, tweet this bitCHes: Sharks survive, Canada blows, Goat signs a Euro D but he's Swiss, Victorias Secret, bikinis, lingerie, more Victorias Secret, more bikinis, more lingerie. #FUCKnowyoutubeisdowncantembedavideoheresanoldfashionedTWOTOLpic

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/12

Yemelin! Yemelin! Yemelin! Jagr! Good piece from Brunt. #getoutthereitsgorgeous

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/11

Sharks near collapse, Lous Leblanc! out 4-6 mos., no Jets (for now). #LG77takesgoodpicturesattheBell

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/10

The Canucks in the Western Finals, do we have to root for Canadian team? #fuckno

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/09

Wings staying alive, Bulldogs going to Game 7, famous depressed Habs fan. #seanaveryisalwaysinteresting

Tweet this bitCHes works on the weekend unlike TMS that lazy fuck

You suck PHucktards. The East was the Habs' for the taking. Sigh. Wings still breathing; shootout, eh? #saturdayssuckwithoutahabsgame

The first Sexy Friday Tweet this, bitCHes will allow you to spend less time reading, more time doing other things

Nucks looking good, Leonsis letter 2 fans, Maxim 100 totally outdated, Padmmmma, Brooklyn bikinis. #kateuptonbikinividsnevergetold

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/05

Buh-bye Bruce B, PHucktards blow, Sharks in OT, Vodkov contract? and Bulldogs lose. #sickoffuckingrain

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/04

Caps falling apart, Kesler the OT man, crazy Bulldogs game. #fuckingrain514

Tweet this, bitCHes

TMS is now 140 characters or less: Die Bs Die, Fuck Southern Ontario, Giant tweets. #we'refuckinglazy

The Morning Skate for Monday, May 2nd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of some revenge for 9/11 victims...

• Vinny! OT! Bolts 2, Caps 1. Are we supposed to be rooting for Habs South now?
• The Sharks take care of their second game at home and beat the Wings 2-1;
• Jack Todd likes The Goat;
• Speaking of the Goat, here's notes on his post-mortem;
• In case you missed it from the comments over the dark period of last week, here's Puck Daddy's (technically Days of Y'Orr's) Habs Eulogy.

Oh hello there. Hope you're well. You may have noticed we've turned the lights back on as we try to drag ourselves out of the abyss. T'ain't easy. This is the annual "don't go anywhere over the off-season" message from FHF. No doubt we'll find some filler crap for you with all the tits and meth jokes you've come to love, though maybe not every day 'cause we're really fucking lazy. We think moeman has a season review in the works, and after that we've got, uh, the draft in June? Anyway we're not going anywhere, though you may have some more time to do other things. Like go outside. Now get out there and vote for Steve.