So You think You Can GM? Cruisin' the Goalies and Prospects

So, you think you can GM? Ya, you and all the guys on Antichambre, the louts in the cheap seats, Jack Todd, H/IO's mouthbreathers, and every Jean, Richard and Henri on the street. You know what? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY. Just like our celebrity guest GM's. 
 

Hello. As you all know, I'm Tom Cruise and you're not. Although Tom Cruise has only seen an ice hockey match on the television, as an achiever of 19th level Dynamics and a Hollywood actor, Tom Cruise has great & true insight into what ails your sagging ice hockey franchise. I understand the fans of your ice hockey organization are growing impatient since it's last victorious ice hockey season. You believe your ice hockey team has been waiting a long time? TRY HAVING YOUR SOUL COOPED UP UNDERNEATH A VOLCANO FOR A TRILLION YEARS. Have your ice hockey team's managers made mistakes? As I said as Mr. Maverick in the blockbuster Top Gun:  "This is what I call a target rich environment." Mr. Maverick, I MEAN TOM CRUISE,  has your answers.

The enlightened gentlemen of the FHF (the Operating Thetan is strong in them) have asked Tom Cruise to explain what went wrong with your ice hockey organization's off season goalkeeping choices and pre-season roster selections. Why Tom Cruise? Young men who choose to become goaltenders have obviously been fed prescription medications from a young age.And when it comes to prospects, well, believe Tom Cruise when he tells you - not Tom Cruise - that Tom Cruise knows about the importance of developing younger talent: each of Tom Cruise's partners has been 11 years younger than the last. Also, the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others, and all of life will lead to a deeper understanding of how to establish a relationship with the Supreme Being, the Lord Stanley and his Cup.

1. Goalkeeping Choices

Your ice hockey team OUGHT TO HAVE TRADED MR. PRICE INSTEAD OF MR. HALAK. Your ice hockey club should have attempted to sign Mr. Halak. As Tom Cruise said as Mr. Jerry Maguire in the modern Hollywood classic of the same name: "Show ME the MONEY!!!!" Tom Cruise knows that acquiesing to Mr. Halak's contract demands would have precluded the signing of a certain Mr. Plekanec. As you know, Tom Cruise has a HUGE fan following on Twitter. Despite the 'twits' of his agent, with patience and perseverance and without the use of prescription medication, your ice hockey team would have signed Mr. Halak for EXACTLY the same price as Mr. Price - AT THAT PRICE, THE PRICE WOULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT - UNLIKE THE PRICE NOW BEING PAID TO MR. PRICE, WHICH PRICE IS WRONG!!!

As Tom Cruise said as Mr. Frank T.J. Mackey in the smash feature film Magnolia: "In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve - it's what you take!" Your ice hockey team should have taken Mr. Halak as their starting goalkeeper - no matter the past accomplishments and potential of Mr. Price. What accomplishments? They are extremely limited to championships at every other level - but NOT THE NHL, except for winning that playoff series oh so long ago, a couple of years past. And what potential? Just because every other goalie picked in the top 5 of the NHL entry draft  who managed to stay healthy has become a star DOESN'T MEAN MR. PRICE WILL. More importantly, Mr. Price is already a whopping - WHOPPING! - 23 years old, making him only 9 (not 11) years younger than Tom Cruise's captive partner, Ms. Katie Holmes, SO HE CAN'T GET ANY BETTER.

Even worse, your ice hockey team acquired a Dane in the transaction. As Tom Cruise is constantly trying to indoctrinate explain to Ms. Holmes and her young child, DO NOT TRUST A DANE. All of Tom Cruise's Hollywood contracts require that not a single person working with Tom Cruise can be Danish or of Danish ancestry, from fellow actors to non-key grips. That dirty Dane - Tom Cruisie cannot even write the name - may look like he has soft hands, an absolutely incredible skating stride and size lacking down the middle not seen on your ice hockey club for years, but don't be fooled: he's still a dirty Dane and doomed to disaster and ruin. Unike Tom Cruise's recent film work.

It also stands to reason that despite Mr. Halak's playoff run, your ice hockey team would have acquired much more value in a trade for Mr. Price. In fact, it is so reasonable that TOM CRUISE DOES NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN IT.

Also, how could any professional sports team sign an admittedly bald man? Especially when this mane was available.

C. Roster Selections

Tom Cruise believes on a deep spiritual level, and as a result it is true, that your ice hockey club's management has made several outright and egregious errors - EGREGIOUS ERRORS! - it it's selection of players to be demoted. It appears that positions are dependant on previous exploits and contract status rather than actual skill. Not that I have any experience with such things, but that doesn't stop Tom Cruise from being absolutely infallible.

Second, how could your ice hockey team keep [White/Patches/Maxwell] rather than [White/Patches/Maxwell]? It is obvious to anyone who has watched a preseason ice hockey match involving [White/Patches/Maxwell] that he was much better prepared to contribute to your ice hockey club's season than [White/Patches/Maxwell] and that one decision will be the difference between a 14th place finish and a 2nd place finish.

Fifthly, how could a player as reputably talented as Mr. Ovechkin not even earn a pre-season match? I am of course, referring to the famously great Mr. Avtsin, who was HUGE in Moscow - scoring 3 key goals in a notoriously stingy Russian league - not be pampered and handed a roster spot? IT'S WHAT GOOD MANGERS DO WITH TOM CRUISE.

In the third place, just the addition of a Mr. David Fischer to the roster, being the son of Mr. Red, would have instantly catapulted YOUR ice hockey team back into the top of the tables, through sheer spirit and emotional connection to the glory years of yore. EMOTIONAL YORE, TOM CRUISE SAYS, IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS! Emotional yore is what made the Top Gun volleyball scene great. That and Tom Cruise's 3-sock-enhanced package.

Tom Cruise will leave all you ice hockey fans of this great ice hockey team with on final piece of advice, and as I said as Mr. Vincent in the all-time classic, Collateral: "Get with it. Millions of galaxies of hundreds of millions of stars, in a speck on one in a blink. That's us, lost in space. The cop, you, me... Who notices?"

LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE TOM CRUISE HAS SAID AND BELIEVES, THIS QUOTE IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE IF YOU JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, September 30th

This pic just cracks us up

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of UFOs in Côte St Luc...

•  New Captain Gio does his best to shut up certain media before they get started: “My family and I came here and we’re embracing the culture and enjoying living in Montreal. It’s a great place to be. We’re going to do our best to learn French. I can’t make any promises that I’ll be able to speak it fluently, but I’ll try”;
• François Gagnon wants you to know he was right when he told you Gio would be captain a couple of weeks ago;
• A couple of legendary Habs captains think Gio is a great choice;
• Hamr wants to be ready for the opener next week. He won't be;
• Da Leaf is McSplooging over Nazem Kadri's 2G 1A last night after he sucked most of the pre-season;
• Video of Alex Kovalev fighting from the game is good for a laugh.

So the second to last pre-season game is tonight as we welcome the Sabres. Game is on RDS and TSN, so we can get McSplooge's opinion on the Habs chances this year. Fun! More importantly, the FHF meeting at our (Hurleys) offices went swimmingly yesterday (shit we're hungover), so our season preview will launch later today.  Here`s a teaser: we predict the Habs will finish 19th in the East.

It's official. Seriously, for realz this time

Brian Gionta is the 28th captain in the history of the Montreal Canadiens. No really, this time the news comes from the Habs themselves, so it must be true. Vodkov and Gill will be his assistants.

As we've said all along, this is the right choice., so we have no further comment. Countdown to certain media members asking about his French lessons in 3,2,1...

UPDATE: here's an overly-produced Canadiens video  about Gio carrying the flambeau:

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, September 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of legal prostitution in Canada...

• You didn't realy miss much. We just wanted to write a post to tell you prostitution is now legal in Canada (sort of). Hookers 'n blow for everyone!
• The Sens beat the Sabres in front of a sellout crowd of 980 (not a typo) in Dundas, ON, aka Hockeyville (at least for this year);
• Lately, Puck Daddy seems obsessed writing about Price (and Halak) for some reason. It's like his 3rd or 4th piece in the last couple of weeks;
• Creepy former agent, alleged sexual predator and hit target David Frost is working teaching hockey under an assumed name;
• Francois Gagnon blah blah blah Carey still needs to prove himself blah blah blah.

Hey, did you know the real season starts a WEEK FROM TOMORROW??? Holy fuck. We better get to work on some sort of preview. We'll slap something out after getting drunk at the FHF offices today and we should have something up by tomorrow maybe. In the meantime, here's some RDS talking heads rambling about two players we want on the team, Ryan White and Lars Eller.

TMS Salutes Robert L of EOTP

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a Blackberry iPad...

• Habs have a solid game and beat the Panthers 6-2. SuperpleXXXe was super, and Ryan White did everything to make the team. He won't, because we all want him to. TFS played all 60 minutes, and was just fine, thankyouverymuch. The 2 GA were both rebounds on power plays, and one was in garbage time. Plan the parade;

• Habs cut 18 players yesterday and send them off to Hamilton or juniors or Minsk or wherever. No surprises at this point, obvs. List includes Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc!!!, Tinordi, Avtsin, and Palushaj. After the game, they cut 5 more;

• In case you don't follow Habs blogosphere news, Robert L is leaving Eyes on the Prize, the blog he founded and was his alone for many years. EOTP and FHF go way back, and we wanted to acknowledge the blogosphere's loss. In 2007, the Habs blogosphere consisted of a few Blogspot accounts - basically EOTP, the original Theory of Ice, Lions in Winter, the long-lost Sisu Hockey, and us. It was a simpler time. Back then EOTP resided at the, uh, "unique" URL of http://wwwrealitycheckeyesontheprize.blogspot.com (DON'T put a period after the www). Despite the wacky URL, Robert was doing great things and was truly nice to us. When FHF was nothing but enthusiasm and made-up commentors, Robert wrote posts like this that pointed his audience to us, and we are grateful. Over the years we have had many email exchanges with him and he's been nothing but the nicest of guys; HF4 met him once and he said the same is true in person. Few people know this, but when we turned down SB Nation (because of their strict "no strippers or meth jokes" editorial policy) they asked us who else they should approach, and we immediately told them Robert L. Ironically, it was Robert who had practically invented the genre of "Photoshopping the CH on hot chicks," which SB Nation wouldn't let him do. Most of those classic Habs girls you see around the interwebs were Robert's from back in the day. For that alone he should be remembered. CHeers to you Robert, and good luck.

The Morning Skate for Monday, September 27th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning $10 million just for playing golf...

• So apparently we have a pattern now. Carey lets up a bunch of goals one night then the "B" team comes back with a win the next night. Not sure how we feel about that. Andreas Engqvist scored in the Habs' 4-3 win over the Wild last night. PatCHes looked good and had two assists in his fight for a job, and Brandon Nash (who?) had 1G 1A. Gui! was a non-factor;
• Habs are right back at it tonight against the Panthers, and it's on RDS, so the whole province can see Carey fall apart;
• Who remembers El Dandy? Anyway, he's riding off into the sunset;
• Who remembers Swiss Mister? Anyway, he may be out 6 months;
• Hopefully The Bulin Wall took a cab to the arena to help beat the Canucks 8-2;
• Wade Redden was placed on waivers over the weekend. Didn't he used to be an elite defenseman?

SITE NEWS YOU CAN USE: I know some of you have had problems with comments lately. Our apologies. It turns out Blogger implemented a comment spam system without telling us. So if you post a very long comment and it has a link in it (like, say, a song parody with a YouTube link), it may get flagged as comment spam and not posted, even if you're a veteran commentor (like, say, moeman). And the system doesn't tell us it's flagged as spam because it's stupid. So if you think a comment of yours has been eated by the interweb computers, tell us with another (shorter) comment or an email and we'll release it from the spam queue of death. As an apology for the inconvenience, please enjoy Mr. natural's birthday present. Mmmm, natural.

Plan the parade bitCHes, PFK is in da house

How many times have I watched that PFK end to end rush at about the :40 mark? Too many times to count. Habs win a meaningless game 4-2. In Ottawa tonight and the WIld visit tomorrow. Enjoy the weekend kids.

Oh it's the weekend? I guess that means an open thread of love pic. What are you gonna do? Them's the rules.

CHeer up and CHill out Habs Fans because Sexy Friday has found you a new goalie

And it's Day 2 of the Carey freak out in Habs world. How do you feel today? I'm sure Marisa will make it all better when she "suits up" between the pipes against the Sens tonight. And if you're sick of Carey discussion, not to worry we'll sexy this post up with all your sexy celebrity news of the week, things like Jessica Alba nude and Bar Rafaeli in lingerie. Everyone's happy. On to the links!

• Carey tells Habs fans to chill the fuck out. The "fuck" was implied;
• Sofia Vergara makes chocolate milk in both gif and video form;
  
• François Gagnon: "Jesus Price already crucified." Clever! Not;
• Video of Rachel Bilson making out with another chick;
• Pascal Leclaire (???) jumps to Carey's defense;
• Grace Park in little clothing was the only good thing about the Hawaii 5-0 reboot;
  
• Number31 and her blogging posse are going to find the Carey boo-birds and chop them up and feed them to PJ Stock. Sounds like a plan;
• Mrs. Mike Comrie is walking around in some serious fuck-me boots;
• Is the author of this letter to the editor the same marcintouch commentor from yesterday?
• Finally, the Karissa Shannon sex tape preview (NSFW, duh).
  

Enjoy the sexiness kids.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, September 23rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Katy Perry's tits on Sesame Street...

• Well, it's really not so much that the Habs lost a pre-season game 4-2, it's the turmoil it will cause. TFS lets in 4 goals on the first eight shots he faced. He's booed. He's mocked. He doesn't meet the media after the game. The season is a disaster already. Overreact much? On the plus side, the kids (Palushaj, Tinordi, even LL) played well, as did Pleks, and we totally outshot them;
  
• The Laffs got revenge on the Sens for their opening game disatster;
• The Oil open their pre-season with a win over the 'Nucks, proving that pre-season is irrelevant;
• Pens open the Consol Energy Center (zippy name!) with a win;
• MYFO gets to the Habs in their celebrity preview series.
  

OK uh, "highlights".

Hockey's back, baybeeee!!! B's preview and open thread for shut-ins who have lost the remote

Our long national hockeyless nightmare of a summer is over. At 7:30 PM tonight, live from the Bell Centre and broadcast on RDS, Le Tricolore are on the ice for an actual hockey game. Sort of. It's exhibition for fuck's sake. We're excited, but we're not really excited. We want to watch, but we don't want to watch. Will you watch? Should you watch? Let's break it down to help you decide.

Why You Should Watch: Hockey, fuck yeah!!!
Why You Should Not Watch: Pre-season hockey is usually as exciting as watching a 2-hour Americal Idol results show.

WYSW: Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc!!!
WYSNW: RDS announcers spending 3 hours McSplooging over Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc!!!

WYSW: To see how Montreal reacts to the beginning of the official Carey Price era (p.s. Jaro let in 3 goals on 18 shots last night for a .833 save %. Suck it, TFS haters).
WYSNW: You will feel sick when the crowd turns on him after letting in his first goal.

WYSW: Aaron Palushaj. By all accounts, he's been great so far and Squid is excited to play with him.
WYSNW: There's no chance he'll be in the lineup on opening day so who gives a fuck.

WYSW: It's the Bs for fuck sake! Any chance for hating is good. Cornelius, wherefore art thou?
WYSNW: Without Chara in the lineup, the hate just won't feel the same.

WYSW: What the hell else you gonna do?
WYSNW: Uh, anything?

See you in the comments. Or not.

The Morning Skate is cutting you for Tuesday, September 21

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of getting celebrity justice...

• The Habs have made their first roster cuts of the pre-season. Given we've never heard of any of those players, we guess it doesn't really matter;
• CHicken put on a few pounds in the off-season. More thigh meat for everyone!
• TSN has huge giant video of Halak winning in the playoffs as one of their top hockey minutes from last year. It's like their taunting Habs fans;
  
• Our old friend Grabs needs a lawyer;
• The Whale returns!!!!

WARNING: 12 minutes of l'antiCHambre video ahead. If you make it to the end, you're a better person than us.

The Morning Skate for Monday, September 20th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the Manning Bowl...

• Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc!!!!
• Puck Daddy's preview series gets to the Habs. Despite the stupidity of the short jokes, he actually seems overly generous with his grades and optimism;
• TSN's preview series gets to the Habs too. Did you know the Habs "stunned the hockey world" when they sent Jaro to the Blues? Me neither;
• Sabres unveil their new uniforms. While the blue of the third jersey is hideous (at least in that picture), the return of what looks like a classic Sabres logo on the home and aways is a welcome change from the futuristic pointy humpback sperm thingy.

Your RDS highlights this morning have Louis Leblanc!... getting outplayed by other people.

HOCKEY FUCK YEAH!!!!!111!!1!

It's only an stupid intra-squad game, but Habs hockey is back, bitCHes!!!! WatCH RDS analysts McSplooge all over themselves with Mad Max getting 2 goals (playing wing btw). WatCH the fans politely applaud TFS, quietly praying he doesn't fuck up. WatCH these things and more and squeal like a little girl because HOCKEY FUCK YEAH!!!!!!

Sexy Friday is getting his physical today

Sexy Friday asks that you turn your head and cough, please. The sexiness of Sexy Friday today has thrown off my ability to write anything more clever than that. If you need something to read, Panger has contributed a quality piece about training camp battles over at NBCSports ProHockeyTalk. You go read that and I'll be back in, say, 5 minutes.

TMS is reporting that La Presse is reporting that Gio will be captain

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Paraguayan cellphone babe in Playboy...

• Exclusive! TMS can exclusively report that François Gagnon of La Presse is exclusively reporting that Brian Gionta will be the Habs captain. No one from the Canadiens confirms this, but Gagnon's nameless sources say it's true;
• Things got chippy in the intra-squad game at rookie camp yesterday, with PFK and Ben Maxwell fighting for no reason;
• BR's latest scribe about the loss of the Nords and the effect on the Habs is so mind-numbingly out there it might need its own post;
  
• The Ottawa Senators will host the 2012 All-Star game. Party at moeman's!
• Marc Staal gets a 5 year extension at almost 20 mill. Scares us to think what Vodkov is worth;
  
• Shut up, Bruce Dowbiggin;
• One last True Blood pimping, because Wrap Around Curl's before and after finale videos are worth a view even if you hate the show.

OK after several emails, we have been assured by RDS's technical folks (merci Sebastien!) that the videos should now wo-- ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-CIRCLE. Sorry, still having an effect from yesterday. Here's highlights from yesterday's rookie scrimmage. Maybe.

That's TMS 3 days in a row!

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Ines Sainz' ass in your locker room...

• RDS' report from rookie camp talks Olivier Fortier. Did you know he's francophone?
• Speaking of the Habs and francophones...
• Carbo on RDS is like a dream come true? A nightmare?
• It's official - shootout wins will no longer count in the tie-breaking formula. Now if only they wouldn't count in the standings we'd be getting somewhere;
• Sheldon Souray has been banned from Oilers camp. More tactfully, "not invited." I'm sure soem female FHF readers would be pleased with an invite to Habs camp;
• Ducks sign Bobby Ryan to a 5 year, $25.5 mill (roughly) deal. Ch-ching!
  

Who's up for some terribly edited RDS video that won't work again? Here's Carbo talking about RDS. Maybe he's reporting that their embed function doesn't work. All hail the RDS hypno-circle!

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, September 14th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the U.S. Open and the career grand slam...

• Rookie camp has begun! PFK says all the right things as usual. The kid is the most media-savvy 21 year-old in the world;
• The Goat gave his state of the team presser yesterday. We'll give him this, he seems much more comfortable behind a mic than Bob was;
• Lars Eller is injured. Damaged goods?
• Steve Bégin dropped in to l'antiCHambre to beg for work;
• Dallas has pledged allegiance to the Little Fuckity-Fuck. We'll see how long that lasts;
• Roberto Luongo gives up the captaincy of the Canucks. It was a stupid idea to begin with;
• And we have the final True Blood recap pimping of the season. So sad.
  

Hey look, RDS has joined the 21st century! We can now embed RDS video! We think we'll have to post a vid every morning. It will be good for you unilingual anglos to practice your French. So many choices of hockey videos, where should we start? Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc!!!!!

UPDATE - RDS embed video function does not seem to be working right now. Big surprise! It might fix itself as the day goes on, so we'll leave it for now. Let us know if it works for you.

The reports of TMS' death have been greatly exaggerated

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of LSD-laced gummy bears...

• Rookie camp starts today! Hockey! Sort of! Here's the Gazette preview;
• Speaking of rookies, Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc!
  
• The NHLPA will have its members vote on Donald Fehr as executive director. But what's his position on the alleged imminent return of the Nordiques?
• Gui! gets hypnotised in an attempt to forget his time in Montreal.

TMS is not promising a return to a full-time schedule quite yet, but we're getting close.

It's an old-fashnioned weekend open thread of love

Top of the morning lads and lasses! How y'all doing? 2 days 'til rookie camp (LIW does a nice job profiling the invitees). A mere one week until actual camp. Swoon.

You know what caught my eye this morning? The lead story on RDS was highlights of a QMJHL game. Of course, it was because Louis Leblanc was playing in it. This kid is so fucking screwed. If they're leading off with his Q games, what will RDS do if he actually plays on the Habs some day? It's not just the Franco media - the Gazette profiled him prior to the game. The expectations that we heap on this kid to be the next home town superstar are going to kill him. The media should lay off if they want to him to have a chance. BTW, TNextFS had 6 SOG, 1 assist and a terrible giveaway that led to an opposing goal and his team lost. C'mon Louis!

Lap dance to moe for finding Mario Tremblay's first scribes for RDS. Le Bleuet was kind of dull to be honest. I enjoyed his "don't be negative" about the loss of Jaro line and his plea to let it see how it plays out. You don't know RDS readers Mario.

We've generally ignored the alleged imminent return of the Nordiques around here. Can someone explain to me why it's now such a hot topic? I can't go 5 minutes without there being another rumour, discussion, email from a friend about the alleged imminent return of the Nordiques. What's changed? They're still probably too small a market in the NHL's eyes, they still don't have an arena, and Gary Bettman is still in charge. Fine, Charest said this week he's ready to pay for part of the arena, but that's just politics. Hockey is politics in Quebec? That's un-possible! Get over it people, the Battle of Quebec is dead. We'll always have the memories.

Plenty of non-hockey stuff this weekend. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL??? Here's a gallery of body-painted football babes to help you, uh, get ready, for the NFL opening weekend. U.S. Open finals go this weekend, so here's a gallery of U.S. Open babes to get you ready for that. I'm sensing a theme here. All good movie recommendations and recipes welcome as always in TWOTOL.

Since this TWOTOL is also Sexy Saturday, let's close this up with a lap dance to 25Stanley; their ability to find pics of hockey players and porn stars is unmatched in the hockey blogosphere. Danny boy, if you're gonna go out with Gina Lynn (seriously NSFW oh yeah!) order something besides Bud Light, would you? Have a good one kids, let's hear what you love.

Habs now only 8 short of a minyan just in time for Rosh Hashanah

The Montreal Canadiens, recognizing right before the high holidays they were well short of the ten Jewish players required by the Talmud to publicly pray to Adonai the Hockey God, yesterday added Jeff Halpern to double the number of mensches in the locker room. In addition to his praying duties, Halpern is expected to fill the role of 3rd or 4th line center given the departures of The Dominictrix and Métro, as well as providing some veteran leadership in the spirit of Moses. At a reported $600k for a year, Halpern was quoted as stating "what can I say? I like a good bargain just as much as the next guy."

Mike Cammalleri was said to be thrilled with the news. "With this signing, I'm that much closer to being able to show off my shofar-blowing skills. I know we're still eight short, but it's ok, I've got some cousins we can call and they'll be right over."

Bertrand Raymond could not be reached for comment. Happy 5771 everyone.

Happy Birthday to HF29 on this the last day of 5770

Erin Andrew's (born May 4, 5738) is a reporter for ESPN and we all know just how much HF29 loves the limelight. CBC's Kristen Flacao wasn't available but we think that Erin is a fine replacement. Erin loves oven mits, long walks after dinner in the country even in the rain, eating Cheesies with tongs, media-whoring and thesises?... thesis'?... thesi?... guys with like a bazillion letters after their name. Enjoy your day job hunting just relaxing before you head out to Rosh Hashanah dinner with the relatives. Nothing says birthday fun like a plate full of brisket with a side order of "so you're still not married? why can't you be more like your brother?" guilt.

Is training camp really this weekend?

TMS really doesn't have much to say today, and there was not even a new True Blood this week. But fuck we just had to get that Panger picture off the top of FHF. It was freaking us out, man.

Sexy Saturday wishes Panger a Happy Birthday

We're about 4 days late, but Happy Birthday Panger! We know you love the redheads, so these pics were specially created in your honour. Pay close attention to Christina's tits, not that you wouldn't have anyway.

Insert trite and tired "Price is Right" joke here

It's official, Habs have signed TFS to a 2-year deal. As per club policy, financial terms yada yada, but Team 990 is reporting $5.25 mill over 2 years.

Hurray I guess? This seems anti-climactic for some reason.

MEDIA-WHORING UPDATE! I just recorded an interview for CBC Homerun, which will be broadcast today "sometime between 3 and 6 PM". Oy. It was more about A Goat in Vermont than TFS though.

Wheeling fever, catch it!

The Habs have announced a new minor league affiliation with the Whaling Neelers Whoring Kneelers Hartford Whalers Wheeling Nailers of the ECHL. Given this new association, we felt it was our duty here at FHF to introduce you to the new club. At the outset, you should know the Nailers are also affiliated with the Penguins. But who gives a shit? No doubt the Nailers will feed the best players to the better team. And the better team is always the one who beat the other team in the most recent playoffs. Ha!

The Nailers
The Nailers, according to their website (be sure to click on "get your tickets here" on the right side), are in their 19th season of operations. History! The Nailers are named for, uh, hmmm, I have no fucking clue. We could make the obvious Nailin' Palin joke, but we'll resist. It has something to with industry, or miners, or Rona hardware stores. Or fucking.

Wheeling, West Virgina
The home town of the Nailers, according to Wikipedia had a population of over 31,000 in 2000. It was estimated that in 2009 the population is less than 29,000, so you know the city is growing economically. Wheeling is in Ohio County because it's in West Virginia. Besides Joyce DeWitt, its most famous resident is fictional character Chris in the Morning from Northern Exposure, who went on to nail Sarah Jessica Parker during season 4 of Sex and the City.

WesBanco Arena
Is the home of the Nailers, and the Upper Ohio Valley's "Premier Multipurpose Facility." In that role, they will be hosting such huge events as the "Christmas in November Arts and Crafts Show" and, uh, Nailers games. Multipurpose indeed! On the plus side, Nailers season tickets can be had for as little as $50, or the price of a beer at the Bell Centre.

The Nailers Booster Club
Sporting the most professional website available from GeoCities in 1999, the booster club says that the most important thing they provide to the team is "friendship." Their annual summer Steak Fry is the highlight of the Wheeling social calendar every year. Here's a photo we found of the booster club reacting to the news of the new affiliation with the Habs, from their photo page*:


Nailers fever. Catch it!

*In response to a particularly nasty copyright notice on the bottom of that page, as a lawyer I am forced to write the following disclaimer: screw you.