You all saw the footage of PK singlehandedly making All-Star weekend worth it. You heard him sway the TSN team, heard the cheers of the Raleigh faithful (once they got over the initial "holy shit, Skinner's black!!??!" confusion) when PK made their weeks by donning the Carolina jersey. We are all witness to the electric charge PK has sent through the tired, fading glory that is our beloved Habitants. While there is no doubt that Pernell Karl Fucking Subban is going to return Montreal to the mountaintop, don't think for a second that he's finished. PK has his sights set on reviving or improving every iconic sports franchise in history, starting this week with:
Playing quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers: Sure, the Steelers are in the Super Bowl this weekend, looking for a 3rd title in six years and 6th overall. But Steeler Nation is being lead by a man suspected of multiple sexual assaults, a man whose reckless driving is a terrible example for kids, a man who causes untold consternation in the hearts and minds of the good people of the rust belt every time the sordid allegations come up. Wouldn't Super Bowl week be much more enjoyable with PK's megawatt smile and charm as Pittsburgh's poster boy? Of course it would. PK gladly takes his swift feet and no doubt rocket arm to another Steel City to let Pittsburgh have gridiron glory untainted by scandal.
Playing centerfield for the New York Yankees: The Red Sox reloaded. The Rays are young and talented. The Phillies and Giants have rotations to die for. The Yankees? Squabbling with team icon Derek Jeter over whether or not he will move to centerfield as his already diminished range reduces further. New York is in a (for them) World Series drought that may never end and is alienating their leader and lynch pin by suggesting he move from short to center. What better way to preserve peace between Derek Jeter and the front office and shore up their defence than by having guaranteed Gold Glover, .350/40/125 hitter PK playing the position of Dimaggio and Mantle? Who better to plaster all over Times Square billboards than the most photogenic athlete in his generation? Added bonus: PK is so good at baseball defence, he'll actually catch all the balls Jeter misses at short too.
Noted slam dunk monster for the LA Lakers: Sure, the Lakers are two-time defending champs. Sure they still have Kobe Bryant, a stone-cold killer on the hardwood. But as their old rivals from Boston showed this week, the Lakers are not the juggernaut they should be. Boston battered LA easily this weekend and has plans to do so again in the NBA Finals this summer. But that won't be the case if PK "Tomahawk Dunk" Subban is running Showtime. PK will easily put up Iversen like numbers as point guard, will rebound like Barkley, and as a hockey player, will stare down and beat down Kevin Garnett and the bruising Celtics with ease. His easy charm and smooth moves will make him an instant star with the Lakers Hollywood ties, and a starring role alongside Jack Nicholson will be the icing on his offseason cake.
Star striker for Liverpool Football Club: Sure, they sold their talismanic striker Fernando Torres yesterday. Sure, they shelled out 35 million pounds for a battering ram 22 year old Englishman as a replacement. But who pray tell is heir apparent to King Kenny Dalglish as the creator and scorer of the most gifted goals in soccer? PK "Merseyside Strikeforce" Subban, that's who. His devastatingly cutting passes and no question about it brilliant soccer brain will dovetail perfectly with new strike partner Andy Carroll to lead the Reds back to their rightful perch as Kings of England and Europe. The Kop will chant PK's name to the heavens as LFC fans once again rock Anfield to the tune of "PK Subban! Superstar! How many goals have you scored so far!!"
Believe. And wait til you see what PK has planned for next week.
Got any franchise you think could use a touch of PK? Put it in the comments.
41 comments:
BEST. POST. EVER. And, look! It matches my new profile pic!
Hey, it's the battle of the overrated teams tonight! I'm with o-man (from the previous thread), how can you be overrated if you get further than what people expect of you? Isn't that underrated?
GYFHG!!!
P.S. Why does Gill always have the best answer in these?
OOH OOH MR KOTTA, MR KOTTA! I know a franchise PK can save!
Star Wars. Do a reboot of those horrible episodes 1 - 3. Recast PK as Obi-Wan, to hell with the pouty junior Vader storyline and just have PK's Obi-Wan bang Natalie Portman's Amidala for half of each movie, with a few light sabre fights thrown in for good measure. Fixed.
*off topic - that just made me think about a hilarious movie scene. It was a John Ritter (RIP) movie. He and another guy were in the dark, each with a different coloured glow in the dark condom on. It was like a light sabre fight. I watched that with my mother (RIP also) when I was about 18 and we both had tears running down our face we were laughing so hard. She had an awesome sense of humour. /end reminiscence
Also, this got me thinking. Maybe PFK is actually TFS©, in which case, what does that make TFS©?
@iRiRi: Gill is hilarious. Cracks me up everytime I see him interviewed.
Ooh. Sorry. It just came to me. If PK is actually TFS©, then perhaps Carey is just Brian. "He's not the saviour, he's a very naughty boy."
+1 L Dude. I'm Brian, and so's my wife
Nicely done 10 and GG. I'd like to see PK save the Habs first, then he can move on to my beloved Buffalo Bills. They need all the saving they can get
Great post 10!
@iRiRi
I have a feeling Gill is the most sarcastic dude in that lockeroom...his answers are just awesome!
GYMFHG!
@L Dude
If PKF is TFS© then maybe Price is plain old TFS™ ???
*PFK
Hay .. careful how you talk about Big Ben. I mean who wouldn't want to rapefuck a drunkin teenager in a public bathroom. He's just man enough to actually do it.
Go Habs
Just great stuff 10 and GG.
Love the Liverpool FC take. Still shaking my head over what went down yesterday.
“It’s an anonymous poll so personally, I don’t put much credence into things like that,” Wilson said of the CBC-NHLPA poll which enlisted more than 300 players on various topics, including which coach they would least like to play for.
(Toronto Star)
You mean like every election in the free world?
@the Maritimer - craziest transfer day I ever saw
ok kids im off to enjoy the first period (and before) from the comfort of my local tavern. should see you in the 2nd
I'd sign Gill an extra year for his sarcasm alone. Well, I'd consider, at least.
Ugh. THIS is the team I missed?
That was the most obvious offside I've ever seen not called. Wow.
So during the intermission Dave Hodge will discuss how much trouble the Habs are in to make the playoffs. What universe does this moron live in? Does this idiot just sit around imagining the Habs falling apart?
Oh, for fuck sakes. Listening to this morons jerking off over the Habs not making the playoffs. THEY'RE IN TROUBLE! Apparently the Canes are a shoe in (so in TSN's opinion it's better to be outside the playoffs than inside) and ALT and their and their freefall don't exist, Rangers being 2 pts up with 2 games in hand are irrelevant, the Caps only 4 pts up with the same amount of wins doesn't compute and the Bs up only 4 pts? Meh.
Fuck, they're basically frothing at the mouths over the idea.
Gio!!!
GIO!
What a shot.
Gio!
Fuck, that was beautiful!
GIO x 2
The captain!
Friend just said 'great now the Caps are pressing' and I said 'yeah, that means the Habs will get an odd man rush' and then BOOM!
Seems like the only team the Canes can't beat are the Bs.
Love how the TSN panel buries Wilson's results in the CBC poll. Let's just focus on Torts in NY. And Hodge "The coach players don't like ALLEDGEDLY!" No, it's a fact. No one's alledging anything. Unless Harper is a alledgedly the PM. Moron.
I'm watching on an ethically questionable online stream, and it stays with the broadcast through commercials. So I get to hear the TSN announcers chat during the breaks. And the guy down by the benches just said "Travis Moen has hands like feet." And the group had a nice chuckle about it. This was also after them mumbling about how a play earlier wasn't called a penalty on the Habs.
How the hell does PFK get the only penalty there?
LeBut: I thought you wrote ethNically questionable. I was confused. My regular source has been possessed by Homeland Security. Silly Feds, it's just like squishing a roach and thinking you've solved the problem.
www.atdhe.me Orangeman
I'm there. Although if the Feds are listening, by 'there' I mean at the orphanage reading to the blind.
Ovie one shot
does this mean Habs have his #?
My cardiologist demands the other point!
"And it's underneath Gill's pants"
Jesus Christ, Gill!
The TSN kids say (during the break) they want to see Subban during the shootout.
wOOt! So is that a natural hat trick for Gio? Eat it TSN panel, esp. Hodge.
I think Price ruined the integrity of the game with that fist pump.
Nice night by Gionta.
loved the Price gesture
no pose anymore I guess- too much flack
so I stayed at my local tavern for the whole game. sue me. FUCK YEAH!!!!
Fuck yea! Captain America! Now let's go get some fucking tacos!
(Though who the fuck put WISNIEWSKI in the shootout?! Did JMart not watch PK in the skills competition?! Wiz should have just cranked that sucker anyway).
HOLY SHIT BIZNASTY SCORED A REAL GOAL. BRB buying a lotto ticket.
was visiting a friend tonight (non-threatening oilers fan) and caught OT & Gio win.
then switched to nuckle game in Dallas with over 1000 people in stands. He said, "My dad lives in Atlanta now - gets to see a lot of NHL games for dirt cheap - know what they call hockey in Atlanta?"
"uh .. no"
"Flatball"
wv: 'plepurli' what they call hockey in ... Hungary?
Hey it only took seven attempts but I finally got to see the Habs win in person.
About time.
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