Let's just enjoy this

We'll be along with a full review of last night sooner or later, but for now I just want to watch this over and over. Dryden may be wearing glasses, but he still has reflexes.

FHF looks back on 100 years... of blogging glory

Well this is it. The 100th Anniversary crap finally comes to end tonight against Boston, and we can all get on with our lives. Thank fucking god.

BUT, we are not without nostalgia here at FHF! You may not be aware that the history of FHF is a direct parallel to the history of the Habs. Herewith, please join us as we stroll down blogging memory lane.

December 4th, 1909 - Two barristers and two solicitors are cavorting with prostitutes in Room 127 of the Windsor Hotel in Montreal. Through paper-thin walls, they overhear John Ambrose O'Brien discussing his new team, the Montreal Canadiens. The four decide to band together to create a "weblog" that will chronicle the foibles of the team through sarcastic humour and daguerreotypes of attractive women. Their plan hits a snag when they realize there is no such thing as the "web." A quick call to Al Gore solves that problem.

January 5th, 1910 - FHF presents the inaugural open thread for the Canadiens first game against Cobalt. Users are frustrated by their inability to telegraph fast enough to get their comments in. The most common remark published that night is ..-. ..- -.-. -.-

Late 1921 - FHF goes blue, as the word "fiddlesticks" makes its first appearance. Several users express their outrage at the use of such language, and go on to create HI/O.

October 1936 - Newly-appointed captain Albert Siebert is nicknamed "Babe Magnet" by FHF for his way with the ladies. The mainstream media picks up on it, but a typographical error in the Montreal Star the next morning drops the "Magnet" part by mistake, and the shorter "Babe" ends up sticking. Thus begins a disturbing trend of the MSM taking credit for bloggers' work.

1939-1945 - FHF goes dark as HF4, HF10 and Panger are off practicing law in World War II. HF29 gets a medical deferment for his long-standing opium addiction.

Sometime in the mid- to late-50's - HF4 introduces a character named "Jaro" who appears to be from somewhere behind the Iron Curtain. Jaro writes:

"My gad this agly pleyer Plante has so agly shark face he have to put mask to hide so agly face! Oh Plante! You so shark! Fat Bellyvo so snobb. He so “Hi I Bellyvo I have class, I eat cavyar, oh ho ho ho”. Fak you Bellyvo! And crybaby french pleyer racket Richard make me to laf so hard!!! He so slow and think everybady so scare becase he look at pleyer with big angry eyes. Hahahhaha! Oh I so scare Racket! You look to me with big mad eyes! I go hide now and you make goals meny time wile I hide. Screw you Racket! Nobady will remember your name in three weeks!!!"

Spring 1956 - Commentor moeman makes his first appearance, and immediately becomes a blog favourite with his clever song parodies. His first one starts:

One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock Rocket,
Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock Rocket.
Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock Rocket,
We're gonna Rocket around the rink tonight.

Put your C-H on and join me hon',
We'll have some fun when the Rocket scores one.

We're gonna Rocket around the rink tonight,
We're gonna Rock-rock-rocket, 'till broad daylight,
We're gonna Rocket around the rink tonight.

When the Rocket scores two, three and four,
If our boys slow down we'll yell for more.

We're gonna Rocket around the rink tonight,
We're gonna Rock-rock-rocket, 'till broad daylight,
We're gonna Rocket around the rink tonight.

Buoyed by the support in parody form, Habs go on to win five straight Stanley Cups.

The 1960's - in tribute to the forgotten dynasty, FHF forgets to write.

September 1974 - HF10 is frustrated with his new namesake's third straight disappointing season, and offers the following take in our 1974-75 "René Levesque Le jour pure laine" preview:

"I've fucking had it with that floater Lafleur. Pollock seriously blew it by picking that glorified cherry-picker. Three fucking years of him mincing around the perimeter in that girlie helmet, averaging 28 goals a year? Meanwhile, Marcel Dionne goes second overall, already has a 90 point season, and Pollock just sits back and smiles while this pansy Lafleur does nothing. Dionne's gonna win multiple Cups with Detroit, mark my words, and Pollock's going to look dumb as Robert Stanfield's wage and price control ideas. Lafleur's career is gonna last as long as fucking disco. 130 goals in the QMJHL? Big fucking deal. Dionne scored his points in a real league playing with St. Catherines. Pollock needs to be fired for this shit."

February 23, 1985 - Patrick Roy makes his first appearance as a Hab. FHF goaltending expert Panger had this to say in the next day's game review:

"With a struggling Doug Soetart pullled, the Habs turnd to rookey goalie Patrick Roy last night. While he got teh win and didn't allow a goal, I'm reelly not happy with him. He's gangly-looking and dosn't fill the net. His anguls are all over the place. And this crazy butterfly style he was using just wont fly. I can see why they send him to the AHL after the game. The kid really doesn't have much of a fuchure, and I can't picture anyone ever having their blog handle named after him."

June 1989 - On the heels of the invention of a new software program called "Photoshop" by upstart company Adobe, GoldenGirl11 joins the FHF squad. She is immediately dubbed "Yoko" by several readers. But she quickly wins over the skeptical crowd with her ability to morph Lanny Macdonald's mustache onto 80's video babe Tawny Kitaen, thus cheering everyone up during the painful Stanley Cup loss to the Flames:


June 9, 1993 - Commentors L Dude, kevincrumbs and Boob Gainey are all arrested for looting tube socks during the second Stanley Cup riot in less than a decade. They are bailed out by LawyerGirl77, who amazes police officers at Station 23 not with her legal arguments but her ability to sing "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music in four different keys.

December 4, 2009 - Habs lose to the Bruins after 12 hours of pre-game ceremonies leaves the team drained of all energy and the ability to give a shit. Well, more so.

Here's to 100 more years of FHF!

Bob may need some cheering up on this 100th Anniversary Sexy Friday Game Day Skate

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a naked Joanna Krupa...

• Well there's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is the Habs may have sunk to a new low in getting outshot 15-3 in the first on the way to a 6-2 loss to the Sabres. The good news is that HabsFan4 and yours truly completely missed the game as we were attending our annual law firm Christmas reunion at an adult entertainment establishment. Well I guess that's good news really only for me and 4. Panger, you were missed;
• Sens also give up 6 goals;
  
• Time to admit even the Leafs are better than the Habs now;
• Luongo follows up his beatdown on Marty Brodeur with a 38-save shutout;
• Caps don't need Ovie;
• Sid gets 3 points in the Pens 4-1 over the Avs;
• BR has a nice little piece on Pete Mahovolich. No, really!

Happy Anniversary bitches.

Buffalo! Uhhhh, Buffalo! Preview and open thread

So I had this whole thing planned out about how the Habs were cold, and Buffalo is cold, and well, it was genius let me tell you. GENIUS! So of course today it's a balmy 7 degrees Celsius in Buffalo and thus the preview idea could not be more lame. LAME I TELL YOU. So instead I present you generic preview format #1.

Waiting in line details - 7 PM start in Buffalo. Habs losers of 3 straight, Buffalo winners of 3 straight. The Habs actually won the one matchup of the year so far.

Pay your cover charge to - our old friend Dani over at Sabre Kallisions.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - (looking, looking, looking...). Actually PatCHes has a point per game over his last 4. Pleks 4 points in his last 5.

Skanky Habs to watch - many, many players.

Hot sexy Sabres to watch - Ryan Miller may be the best goalie in the NHL right now, and it's borne out by his league-leading stats - .937 save %, 1.84 GAA and three SO. Up front the usual suspects - Roy, Pominville, Hecht - all seem to be playing well. Good solid group of D as well. Face it, Buffalo is a decent team.

Skanky Sabres to watch - unless backup goalie Patrick Lalime plays (a real possibility given the state of Buffalo's opponent), no one really.

On the main stage - we have a return! Big Tits is a go for tonight. That gives you the following lines:

Big Tits-Pleks-Squid
Pyatt-Gomez-White
PatCHes-Metro-MOEmaN
Little Tits-Laps-Dagger

If Pyatt and White are really our second line forwards now, first kill me, but then we need some nicknames for them. We have more lineup news too, as Jaro will get the start. Also, Gill is good to go, but he's going no further than the press box. For Buffalo, unfortunately for the huge contingent of Craig Rivet fans out there, he's injured.

In the VIP Room - Habs PP 24th in the league, while Buffalo's PK is the best. Buffalo leads the league in goals against. A perfect recipe for breaking out of our offensive slump!

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - you should see the skanks at Mademoiselle Buffalo. AND it's near the airport. If that ain't a recipe for a good time, I don't know what is.

Please continue your death spiral humour in the comments

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, December 3rd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of your alleged mistress even though she denies it having a press conference...

• Gui! has a big game, helps the Wild win in OT;
  
• In a battle of potential #1 Canadian Olympic goalies, Luongo beats Brodeur. Big time;
• Savard, flush with a new contract, helps Boston beat the Bolts;
• Speaking of contracts, the Blackhawks will announce the long-term signing today of Kane, Toews, and Keith. Kane and Toews each getting $6.3 mill per year. Compare that to Scott Gomez' contract. Tear your hair out.

Buffalo tonight. Continuing death spiral or start of a turnaround?

Goodbye, Mr. CHips

I am loathe to bump down HF10's brilliant rant about last night's game and the state of this team (so scroll down to read it if you haven't yet), but I feel we really need a post to announce the CHipchura trade, even though I'm sure you all know about already. He's off to join Saku for a 4th round pick. He's been Panger's boy, all of our boy, and the potential future captain of this team for so long, I just felt we really needed to give him a proper send-off.

So goodbye Kyle. You failed to live up to all of our expectations. The end.

Fuck. This. Team. Leafs 3 - Gutless Useless Sacks of Shit 0

So, anyone else got plans for the rest of their fucking winter? Look, I understand standing by your team when they put together a decent effort that, for lack of talent or the presence of an otherworldly star or a hot goalie on the other side they fall short, but as TMS said below, there is no fucking way I'm wasting my fucking time on such a rudderless, weak-kneed, gutless, no-fucking pulse bullshit team or performance. Laugh all you want and crack stupid "1967" jokes, claim that Taylor Hall is going to be in Bruins jersey next year, yuck it up that Brian Burke may have tossed a million picks away, but I live in Toronto and that fucking team works its ass off 100% of the time. They don't have a single passenger (well, maybe Blake) and even though they aren't as talented as most of the rest of the league, they are a miserable fucking team to play against.

This fucking Habs team is not. With Andrei Markov out, this team is one legit scorer (Cammi), one complementary scorer (Gionta), one smallish second line centre (Pleks), two potentially good goalies, a host of third and fourth liners and kids who do an average job, a few 2nd pair defencemen (Hamr and Jaro 2.0) and a bunch of 4th to 7th guys, a pair of fucking head case Belorussians and one lazy, soft as Charmin never competes albatross fucking monster contract taking up cap space & ice time. I didn't even see this game and I am fucking sick of this team. At least last year Koivu, Higgins and Komisarek fucking laid it on the line every night.

Plan the Parade: Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you, fuck Gainey for that fucking stupid Gomez trade, fuck Timmins for his annual draft pick of an American high school defenceman that we will never see, fuck Gomez for all the reasons Robert L mentions, fuck injuries burying this team again, and fuck Brian Burke and the Leafs for rubbing the Habs noses in the shit sandwich that is this fucking stupid "chemistry experiment". You want to laugh because this team is 2-1 versus Toronto this year so far? They lucked into an overtime win and a shootout win against a goalie so bad that Leaf fans are pleased when he gets hurt. Stop being smug. But for Vesa Toskala, the Habs are already 0-3 against Toronto this year and the Leafs look to be getting better as the season progresses.

The Sky is Falling: Folks, this is your team. A team that doesn't have the brains, guts, skill or will to run off a winning streak of any length. A team that is way too dependant on Cammalleri scoring and Price standing on his head to win. Blame the injuries all you want ... is Andrei Markov such a world-class talent that this team will be running opponents out of the rink when he returns? Bobby Fucking Orr couldn't carry this team past one of Pittsburgh, Philly, New Jersey or Washington to get a top four finish. Buffalo is going to fucking destroy this team this week. Ryan Miller might fall asleep he'll be so bored.

Chez Paree Bound: Someone might deserve it. Maybe Price played all right, I don't fucking know. I turned the fucking game on and it was 1-0. Thirty seconds later Jeff Fucking Finger scored and that was the fucking end of that. So fuck it. If you think someone played okay, mention it in the comments. I don't give a fucking holy hell.

Here's one fucking problem with this team: Mike Cammalleri is an excellent hockey player, fun to watch and seems to really love being a Montreal Canadien. But the problem with Cammalleri is the problem the Habs have had since Guy Lafleur left: Cammy is an excellent hockey player, but he's a second tier guy. Mats Naslund was a second tier guy. So were Vinny Damphousse, Kirk Muller, Saku Koivu and Alex Kovalev. Even the grand experiment of Alex Tanguay was a second (maybe third) tier guy. The Habs don't have a first-tier guy, don't have a first-tier prospect, and don't have the tradeables to get one, and thanks to the fucking albatross, they don't have the cap space to get one unless they gut the team ... and then they'll look like Atlanta or Toronto, with one world-class scorer and a bunch of hopefuls and spare parts. Of course, if your hopefuls and spare parts WORK FOR A FUCKING LIVING, you can certainly beat this fucking shit Habs team lead by one solid scorer who, as good as he is, can't always conjure up that bit of magic when it is desperately needed. What kind of difference would a Marian Gaborik make to the make-up of this team? Or a playing-to-his rumoured potential Andrei Kostitsyn? Or the Alex Kovalev of two years ago, when he almost (almost) reached tier one status? Fuck. Teams that don't have all-star talent need to have all-star work ethics and all-star luck. Again, this fucking team has neither.

Spare me the injuries excuse, the chemistry experiment excuse, the new system excuse, the whatever the fuck excuse you have this week to excuse this fucking mess excuse. This team is well into the season and they are a schizophrenic, soft, not-very potent offensively team with sketchy defending and weird goaltending lapses. They can be fun to watch, some of them do the jersey proud, and they seem to at least be restoring some dignity to the brand after last year's off-ice shenanigans. But here's the bottom line: They failed to fucking do anything of consequence last night, they fucking fail to do anything of consequence far too often, they fucking win one, lose two, win two, lose by a touchdown, get hurt, make a minor move, get us excited because they might have turned a corner, lose a few close ones, and then pull a fucking shitshow again. It's fucking infuriating, annoying and I'm fucking sick of it but I guess we have to get used to it. This is your fucking team, and it's pretty fucking bad.

Next opponent that will hopefully end this fucking stupid 100th Anniversary Embarrassment: I don't know. Is it Buffalo? I know Boston is going to fucking destroy us on Friday. If there's a game before that, it might be Buffalo.

The Morning Skate thinks it's time to let the fucking expletives fly for Wednesday, December 2nd

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THAT WAS EMBARRASSING. On home ice, no less. In front of the CFL champion Als no less. TO THE FUCKING LEAFS. Habs fucking suck. These fucktards couldn't play their way out of a peewee tournament in Spain.

When asked whether it was his team's worst game at home this season, Martin said, "Bang on. Without a doubt. Definitely."

YOU'RE DAMN FUCKING RIGHT THERE JACQUES. Now why don't you get off your fucking ass and do something about it? We cannot believe we are wasting our valuable time on this piece of shit team when we could be doing something more fun like maybe repeatedly poking at our own eyes with a pointy stick covered in poison.

In other news, the Molsons are your official owners now. Hopefully they kept the receipt and can get a refund. Ovie got two games for the knee on knee stuff. Heater helped beat his old team. Other shit probably happened, we really don't care.

Welcome to December.

Welcome to the month of hell, bitches - December preview and Leafs open thread

Anyone look at the Habs schedule for December? If not, look at it now. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Be afraid. Be very afraid. I knew that the Olympics were going to fuck with the schedule this year but I hadn't really noticed much difference. Well I notice it now. Let's hit the bullets to really emphasize the hell the Habs are about to endure:

• We play 17 games overall. To put that in persepctive, if every month was like that you would finish the season in 4.8 months, not the 6+ months it takes normally;
• 4 games in 6 nights twice;
• 3 games in 4 nights four different times;
• The only time there are two days off in a row is Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Won't someone think of the Jew?
• Annual holiday disaster trip to Florida thrown in;
• Oh, did I mention that the Florida trip was part of the last 7 that are all on the road?
  
• Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Ottawa, New Jersey, and Atlanta are all featured prominently. Theoretically we get breaks with Leafs and Canes. Theoretically.

So far, the Habs season has been all about surviving injuries and keeping our head (barely) above water with some grit. December is going to stretch that shit to the limit.

Ok now that you should be sweating, let's hit another set of bullets to set up the Habs-Leafs affair. Fuck me, I'm lazy today:

• Game is at the Centre of Bell, and there are conflicting reports whether it starts at 7 or 7:30. You can bet a Leafs-Habs Tuesday game is on TSN. Do you think TSN got the memo that the Habs are Canada's team?
• Habs have only won 1 of their last 4. Leafs lost last night, but are playing much better, having won the previous 2. Seriously!
• Habs have won both meetings between the teams this year;
• If you only know eyebleaf from his witticims in our comments, you're missing something special over at his Sports and the City. It's not only Leafs, but everything he writes is worth reading;
• Your hot Habs are Squid and Pleks, duh. Hot Leafs (really, there are some!) are Ponikarovsky and Hagman;
• TFS (who's starting again - maybe Jaro will get a start in the crazy December?) is listed as cold in Faceoff's Tale of the Tape, but that's total bullshit imho;
• Toronto Franchise Saviour Gustavsson is 2-3-2, 4.07, .871 in his last 7. Goaltending issues solved!
  
• Lines at practice yesterday were PatCHEs-Gomez-Moen, Squid-Pleks-Little Tits, White-Laps-Pyatt and CHips-Metro-Dagger. Hey look, we got some people back, though Gomez is technically listed as questionable, but HI/O says he's playing. And in case you didn't know, Dou$harek is back from injury for the Leaves;
• Your post-game adult entertainment is to peruse the making of the Toronto Sun Sunshine Girls 2010 Calendar.

K, let's do this.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, December 1st

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of shutting up the naysayers and moving to 11-0...

• Down goes Ovie! Down goes Ovie! Oh, did I mention it was from a knee on knee hit that Ovie got 5 and a game for?
  
• Leafs get a lot of shots, none get by Ryan Miller;
• Thomas Vokoun was taken off on a stretcher, thanks to his teammate Keith Ballard's stick, swung in frustration at giving up a goal;
• Pens get a hat trick from... no, not him, no, not him either... Mike Rupp;
• A somewhat more expected hat trick came from RJ Umberger;
• BR tries to make some point about the Impact, Als, and Habs, but fuck if we know what that point is;
• Pimp my blog time! In case you missed it in the comments yesterday, FHF is up for best Habs blog in some online poll. It's our experience that things like this are only designed to get you to sign up for the site, because you have to sign up to vote. Fuck if we'll let that stop us. So go sign up, give them a fake country (I chose the British Virgin Islands. Virgin. Heh.) and let's win this thing.
  

Big Adams Division / Original 6 / 100th Anniversary week starts tonight with Tronna. Whatever happened to that whole truculence thing?