Caps/Habs Game 1 Preview and Open Thread: 1993 Inspiriation Edition

It has been 17 years since the Habs won a Cup. That means if they don't win this spring, next year there will be fully grown, adult Canadiens fans who can drink liquor and fornicate but have never witnessed a Stanley Cup parade proceed along the usual route. And you need to be able to do all three to call yourself a true Montrealer.

I'll let that reality sink in for a monment - sspecially for you old people like HF29 who grew up hanging off of light poles on Ste Catherine Street every spring.

So what's it going to take to return Lord Stanley's mug to its rightful and favorite home? It's going to take a number of key guys playing waaaay over their (usual) heads - just like in 1993. As a favour to the current Habs lineup, who may not have obsessed about that '93 team quite as much as I may have, here is FHF's guide to what each of our key players need to recreate if there is a Parade to be Planned:

Captain Kirk = Squid meaning he has to score in the clutch and bring both heart and leadership

Vinnie D.= Gomez meaning he has to play like a true #1 centre and lead the playoffs in scoring

Keaner = Little Giant meaning he has to skate like the wind (okay, that would be more than what Mikey did), hit anything that moves, play aggressive and constantly hound the puck carrier. Keane actually had 13 assists, but we'll take 10 goals from Gio instead

Bellows = CHicken meaning he has to use his size and natural scoring ability to prove the Habs didn't trade Russ Courtnall Gui! for nothing

LeClair = Big Tits meaning he's got to show some break-out scoring ability - although I must admit I as surprised to learn that Johnny only scored 4 goals in the playoffs. I remember it more as 50.

DiPietro = Moore meaning someone has to score unexpectedly and The Goat's first trade acquisition seems a likely candidate

Desjardins = Markov meaning he's got to lead the blueliners, play Norris-like defence and score a hat trick in the finals

Odelin = Gilliweed meaning the heretofore nicknamed "HMS" has to be the unsung defensive rock and bring a physical presence to the blueline

Haller = Urologist meaning he'll be forgotten in 8 months, but needs to be the unsung offensive hero on the blueline in the next 8 weeks

Roy = Jaro meaning "your 2010 Conn Smythe winner". Realistically, it's the only way any of this is gonna happen

Racicot = Big Fat Whale meaning he'll play 18 minutes when Jaro has to take a dump.

There it is. That's all these Habs need to pull off a monumental upset in the first round (just like 17 years ago), Then, if last night is any indication, all the lower seeds will do the Habs a favour and knock off the other contenders. After the Caps, it will be smooth sailing into the finals.

I wonder who will tell Jacques which stick to measure.

Yes, yes I am delusional. I do think the Canadiens have a shot, especially if Phoenix can beat Detroit. But ask me again after the first when Alex already has a hat trick.