Tremblay and le Tigre to battle it out on l'AntiCHambre

Mario. Michel. Death match. Should be exciting. This SO means Joel is going to the booth.

The Goat gets some work done, finally makes the most important signing of the summer

No, not him. I meant of course Pierre Allard, our new strength and conditioning coach. In addition, the Habs have added five new front office and scouting personnel. Former Hab Serge Boisvert (integral to the '86 Cup CHampions!) is now amateur scout for the province of Quebec. Now that we've thrilled BR with some francophones, we also have Ryan Jankowski as an amateur scout; he was formerly assistant GM of the Islanders. Because when you need to hire hockey personnel, your first thought should always be the Islanders. Christer Rockstrom will scout Europe, Vaughn Karpan will be a pro scout, and Ken Morin, a former McGill captain, was hired for the new position of "Hockey Information Coordinator." Because the one thing we need more of in Montreal is hockey information.

At least we know what The Goat has been up to while not signing you know who. Now he really has no excuses.

Yes, there's nothing to write about

Can someone wake me up when something happens? Problem is I can't go more than three days without posting something. It's a disease. So here's a preview of the Habs 2010-2011 lineup in highlight form. Give the video guy credit, he managed to find an Alex Auld highlight, such as it is. If you need to read something instead of watching stupid videos, my True Blood recap is up.

Zzzzzzzzzz.....

Sexy Friday would like TFS to FUCKING SIGN A CONTRACT ALREADY

"You know how I am, roll as you go," Price said. "I'm a restricted free agent, it's pretty much wait and see and come to an agreement that is fair to both sides."

Yeah, we know how you are, Dude. You roll as you go, you Phat Wale, that's for sure, no bongs for you. But some of us are starting to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Negotiations are ongoing, everyone tells us. HOW MUCH FUCKING NEGOTIATION DO YOU NEED??? Seriously, it's not as if Habs management is out there swinging all sorts of deals and signing all sorts of free agents. They FUCKING HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO. So what is the major malfunction here? What is the holdup? Are the Habs low balling? Is the Phat Wale holding out for bigger bucks because of how instrumental he was in the Habs' run to the Eastern Conference Finals? Seriously, as a lawyer I have negotiated much more complicated deals in much less time than this has dragged on. I looked at a calendar today; it's almost fucking August! The summer is OVER. The season is just around the corner, and Cedric Desjardins will be our starter. GGGAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

Bettman says Oh God! There's no Way...

Gary Bettman has apparently nixed the 17-year deal the New Jersey Devils inked Ilya Kovalchuk to.

Bettman is reportedly worried that Ilya would be George Burns' age by the time the contract expired.

Just the name Ilya called for nostalgia. Ilya 17 ans, j'ai signé ce contrat de fou avec Lou, mais j'ai arrêté de jouer après 4 ans parce que la KHL m'a offert 3 milliards de dollars sur 54 ans. Je n'avais pas le choix.

So it's obvious Gary doesn't think this visual would be a great seller for the NHL.

These 17-year mammoths are only valid if you're signing your fist contract, after the rookie deal expires. Otherwise, you risk having the NHL tell you that this...

...is out of the question.

Gary, for once you and I see yarmulke to yarmulke.

It's safe to turn on RDS again!

In the greatest news in the history of the universe, it looks like Benoit Brunet will not be providing his, uh, unique brand of colour on RDS' Habs broadcasts anymore. Praise Jebus!

Now, there does not seem to be any news about this on any mainstream site anywhere, and while we love JT Utah over at 25Stanley and his penchant for being even dirtier than us, we'd like some confirmation. RDS seems totally silent, and BB is still up on their site. At the same time, he does not appear on the "animateurs and analystes" page, so that may be a clue, but he doesn't appear on a May 25th Google cache version either, so it's probably not. Look at me with the investigative journalism type stuff!

But whatever, this is a glorious day in the history of broadcasting! That is until he gets replaced in the booth by Joel Bouchard and his mile a minute delivery and we start pining for the days of Benny.

Many lap dances to newbie commentor Para for this most awesome of tips

What the hell, it's an Evening Skate

Bullet points for what you missed while wondering if TMS is in Korea or something, where it's morning. But there are a few things to catch up on. To wit:

• 17 years, $4o billion from the Devils for Kovalchuk. The amount may be exaggerated. The contract length, we assure you, is not. WEDNESDAY UPDATE: haha, just kidding;
• Stevie Y continues his Tampa makeover, acquiring Simon Gagne for Matt Walker and a fourth-rounder. Another francophone not playing in Montreal;
• The BR's of this world can at least be happy that the Habs have hired a local boy, Larry Carrière, as Assistant GM of Player Personnel. What kind of francophone name is Larry, anyway?
• Carey Price remains unsigned.

As you were.

Take me to your leader

So les Habitants have announced that next year, we will no longer be a rudderless team adrift in a sea of mediocrity. Or something like that. Yes, the Habs will have a captain this season, though Count Chokula was pretty shaky on the details. I have already made my choice, and JM says according to the article that it's "an individual who worked hard in our leadership group last year", so that would probably rule out Big Tits up there.

Welcome to Canada Andrei, eh?

Andrei Markov will take some time out from knee-rehabbing tomorrow to become a Canadian citizen. For once my experience as an immigration lawyer comes in handy on FHF! Canadian law says that he won't have to give up his Russian citizenship, he can be both. Of course, I don't know what Russian law says, but I'm guessing with a few rubles, you can do what the fuck you want.

I'd like to say that this is awesome and he's doing it because he loves Canada and wants to show how much he appreciates it here, but it's probably for tax reasons.

Members of Golden Mishpauchah Getting Screwed by Habs

There aren't enough Jews in hockey and this really doesn't help our cause.

Max celebrates: We have a team! Who needs a goalie?

With the signing of Mad Max Laps Lappy Lapierre to a one-year, $900,000 contract, the Habs now have 12 forwards and seven defensemen under contract for the upcoming season. Backstopped by legendary goalie Alex Auld, the Habs are sure to win... some games.

First off, congrats to the Habs for not giving Max a contract of any length whatsoever, at a price I can live with. I think we can all look back on the regular season last year when he sucked. No doubt the Bertrand Raymonds of this province will take this as one more sign the Habs hate francophone players, but this is smart. When he has another sucky regular season, we won't be stuck with him.

Now what's left? Hmmm, ahh, let me think. Nobody really comes to mind. Oh right, a certain Franchise Saviour^TM this franchise has pinned its saving hopes on. Cap Geek has the Habs with about 4.7 mil left, so that is more than enough for Carey, and maybe even someone else! Dare to dream, kids! Suggestions?

It's TMS vacation time bitCHes!

Oh hello there. Hope all is well. We're hot. And tired. As we glance over at our Babes of Curling calendar, we see that we have now officially entered "dog days of summer" a.k.a. the part of the NHL off-season WHERE I FUCKING LOSE MY MIND. Oh, it may be lost already, you say? You may be correct. We are writing TMS in the evening after all.

So given the state of the calendar and our mind, we have decided that TMS is off on a little hiatus. There's no fucking point in trying to scrape together some bullet points every morning when there is fucking jack shit going on. FHF is not closing down, we'll still post every now and then should anything develop. Ha! Like that's gonna happen. Seriously, TFS has to sign sometime, right? RIGHT? And me and the boys (and gal) are coming up with some kickass new ideas for some summer filler, now that the World Cup is over [/cries for 15 minutes over Dutch loss, comes back]. They will be brilliant! Uh, they ARE brilliant! That's what we meant to say. But the fact is even blogs should have a relaxing off-season. You can't write about hockey 12 months of the year. That's why I write True Blood recaps (oh look, latest one is up! and it's got a sexy pic!).

So TMS says asta la vista, or more accurately, gauw tot ziens. We'll tell Bobbi you say hi.

Only one thing matters this weekend

BJ's from this woman. And this woman. And this one. And this one. God bless #teambj. Not to mention the Dutch were my team from the beginning. Fuck it will be depressing when they lose 1-nil tomorrow. But for one last time, Hup Holland Hup!



We now return you to our regular summer of hockey-related nothing.

Sexy Friday is going random

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of playing for the Miami Heat...

• RDS asks if this season is Ryan White's and Ben Maxwell's last chance. Yes it is;
  
• PFK wins some AHL award for outstanding achievement in the field of excellence;
• Legendary Vancouver Canuck superstar Markus Naslund will have his number retired;
• We've been ignoring the TSN / Globe whole 7th team in Canada series because, well, we just think it's a ploy for ratings and pageviews. But they've started on Quebec City, so we'll make an exception.
  

For Sexy Friday today, we went to YouTube and searched for "Sexy Friday." This is the random video that came up. For those of you who don't enjoy the stripping, consider this an opportunity to discuss Lady Gaga's influence on popular culture.

Featuring 100% new footage

So we have our first Zapruder-like footage from development camp. Hey, it's hockey in the summer. Just looking at that ice should cool you down from this heat. This first one is allegedly Andreas Engqvist.



And this next one is the one you've been waiting for, Alexander Avtsin. Marvel how he stands there in the corner playing with himself.



Wow! Do you feel like you just wasted two minutes of your life?

The Morning Skate wonders who will be in the lineup next year for Wednesday, July 7th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of heading to the slammer for 90 days...

• So your Habs lineup next year will not include any of the following who were all UFA's: Dominictrix, Urologist, Mara, and Métro. So that leaves a 3rd and 4th lines of what, Tommy Pyatt and Mathieu DarCHe? Ben Maxwell? Mad Max's non-existent contract? Dustin Boyd? Lars Eller? Ryan White? Andrew Conboy? Can anyone help me out here?
• Jaro cashes in with the Blues to the tune of four years and 15 mill. He meke meny moneys;
• Little Tits will be officially looking for gangsters in Nashville. Considering the dinky contract (550k), he'll need some cash;
• Vancouver's GM Place is no more. Say hello to Rogers Arena. That's original;
• We're sure you were all breathlessly anticipating Bertrand Raymond's reaction to the Boivin-Molson shift;
• I have some sad news. I may be leaving you soon. I found a new job.
  

FUCK YEAH ORANJE!!!!! One game away from blow jobs for everyone!

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, July 6th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of getting arrested for the purple drank...

• The hockey world mourns the loss of Bob Probert, dead at 45 after collapsing on his boat;
• Jacques Demers is in the hospital following surgery. Get well Jacques;
• Pierre Boivin will step down as President of the Habs on June 30, 2011, to be replaced by Geoff Molson. Boivin will stay on as a member of the Board;
  
• Mad Max won't go to arbitration, and a signing could come as early as this week. Here's the full list of the players who will go to arbitration, there are no Habs;
• Say goodbye to the Urologist;
• Development camp starts today. Here's a list of players, which includes a ton of players you know, like PFK, new guy Lars Eller, #1 pick Jarred Tinordi, and the Russian all the kids are talking about, Alexander Avtsin;
• #1 draft pick Taylor Hall signs an entry-level deal with the Oil;
  
• Kovalchuk to Devils?
  

Man, after a quiet morning yesterday, things picked up in a hurry. Not to mention GO ORANJE!!!!

IMPORTANT BLOGGING UPDATE! - Sorry everyone, there is an issue with the comments. It is a Blogger-wide problem apparently. Comments you make are not appearing. I do see them being made (I get comment notification) but they don't show up. Everyone say it with me - FUCK BLOGGER YOU FUCKING PIECE OF CRAP SHIT.

We apologize for the inconvenience. Thanks to all of you who are posting comments anyway. ezzel, N31, Cornelius, soperman - you all get extra credit.

IMPORTANT BLOGGING UPDATE 2! - Comments seem to be showing up now. Please ignore the private conversation GG11 and I had about vacuuming and lint.

The Morning Skate for Monday, July 5th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning Wimbledon...

• Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat.

Right. Just another off-season Monday. Not sure if it was the Independence Day holiday yesterday in the States or what, but there seems to have been a signing freeze over the weekend. When the biggest NHL story is someone not signing, that's a slow news day. To show you how slow, here's various Habs (and now ex-Habs) talking about... household chores.

Sexy Friday has a soccer game to watch

Oh, hello. Hope you're doing well this fine morning. Take a deep breath everyone and relax after the FRENZY that was... the Als game last night. Crazy. As for the free agents, meh, whatever. Sort of a wash. We did not get goalie Dan Ellis signed (he ended up in Tampa), but we did get Alex Auld signed. Really? Yes, really. Ugh. We did manage to get Dustin Boyd signed at a nice price, so the Little Tits trade wasn't completely useless. And Curtis Sanford was re-signed too. YAWN. Frankly I thought the most important Habs news yesterday was the news that the Mexican would be switching to the number 11 this year. What about Yvon Lambert dammit?

Around the league, Gonchar to Ottawa, Jokinen and Tanguay are going back to Cowtown, St. Louis reups in Tampa, Volchenkov got a shitload of money from New Jersey, Hamhuis to Vancouver for even more money, and Saku re-signed in Anaheim so you can forget about that dream.

Hup Holland.

Happy Happy Joy Joy Canada Free Agent Day!

Greetings, fans of contracts and money! Welcome to the FHF post where we expect you will inform us that Ilya Kovalchuk has signed in L.A. or N.Y. or Phoenix or Vladivostok or something at 12:01 PM. This is going to be a hella boring day in Habs world imho. Sure, we'll get some minor things going on, but I'm doubtful any real shit is gonna go down (jinx!). So don't expect much in the way of serious (ha!) posts around here. If it does, sure, we'll post, but consider this an open thread to discuss what Big Fat Frenzy Bob says on TSN.

While you wait for something to happen totally bored, here's some reading:

• Morning news: Gui! signs for 2 years, 5 mill, Leafs get Versteeg, the Flyers sign Leighton, and Brind'amour retires;
  
• Robert at ETOP has a decent take on what the Habs can and can't do in the wake of the Little Tits trade;
• J.T. has a good analysis of the Goat's position and the 2010-11 Habs;
• Lions in Winter on why Ellis won't sign here, even though he wants to sign here;
  
• NHL.com's free agent analysis of the Northeast Division;
• Bird Watchers' Anonymous runs down who has cap space and who doesn't (hint: Habs don't);
• Alyssa Milano is posting at MYFO!
  
• This week's True Blood recap.

Happy Canada Day, eh? If there's anything more Canadian than comedy and fur-trading, I'd like to hear it.